Recommendations from a psychologist for divorce
Do you know what is the most common problem that divorced people have? Fly into a new relationship at the speed of Batman, guided by the principle of “to spite your ex.”
But you understand that the logic here is the same as in the children’s saying “To spite my grandmother, I’ll freeze my ears off”? Grandma will be angry and bite her elbows, but you won’t be happy with frostbitten ears either, right?
When many women, out of spite for their ex-husband, begin to intensively build new relationships, they immediately step on the “grandmother and ears” rake. Needless to say, most relationships built in this way will not lead to anything good?
- First of all, understand that even if your ex married Cameron Diaz and bought a new Porsche, and you can’t pay off the loan for the microwave and got a third cat, it doesn’t matter! He is an ex, your relationship is in the past, his life is something that you should not worry about. If you’re worried, then it’s time to work on grievances and unresolved gestalts.
- Live for yourself, not for show. Do what's best for you. And if you are not yet ready for a new relationship, but “you need to throw a photo with flowers on Instagram so that he bites his elbows,” then delete Instagram from your phone and better learn how to survive a separation from your husband.
- Determine for yourself a time period during which you will come to your senses.
For example, Charlotte York from the series “Sex and the City” had a formula for getting through a breakup: “You need to suffer without a relationship for exactly half the time that you were in this relationship.”
Yes, of course, if you have been married for 20 years, then giving up on yourself for 10 years is not an option at all. And I fully admit that Charlotte’s formula does not suit you, but the principle is clear, right?
Let it take you six months, a year, a year and a half. The main thing is that you recover and do not drag grievances and negativity from the old ones into the new relationship.
Divorce is worse than death. How to get over a breakup and get back to normal life
“The death of a loved one is when a hand is immediately cut off, and a divorce is when they are cut off gradually, along the phalanx of fingers, and not just one, but two hands, in turn!” says psychologist Anna Khnykina . The number of patients who come to her office to get an answer to the question “how to survive a divorce” is growing every year, and these are not only women, but men too. Suffering is not divided by gender. AiF.ru met with an expert to understand if there is a saving formula to help relieve the pain and stress of separation.
Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Many people believe that women experience divorce much more painfully than men, what is the reality?
Anna Khnykina: I would say that women experience divorce more noisily, they tend to cry and shout about their misfortune at all corners. But this does not mean that men suffer less. There are different stories, for example, when the wife initiates the divorce, the husband worries more.
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On the verge of divorce. How to save a marriage?
— Is it possible to give the same recommendations to and women on how to survive a divorce?
— Of course, because we are talking about suffering, and it is not divided by gender. People are experiencing an acute crisis due to a sudden (or maybe not so) change in their life system, which they once built together.
— When a person loses a loved one, I now mean death, psychologists say that he needs at least a year to get over his grief. How long does it take to get over a divorce, because in essence it is also the loss of a loved one, or is such an analogy not very appropriate?
- It is appropriate, moreover, I will now say a terrible thing: if the loss of a loved one in the acute phase is experienced for about a year, the story of the breakup usually lasts much longer. Starting with the decision being made by the spouse who wants to divorce (and this alone can take years), and ending in some families with the division of property, lawyers and courts. That is, if the loss is death, a funeral, then nine days, forty days, and so on until the next repetition of the season in which the tragic event occurred. When divorcing, it often takes three to five years for people to simply establish normal dialogue with each other.
— How much does it take to build a new relationship after a divorce? A year, two, three?
— Let me start with the fact that it is very important to bring the divorce process to a legal conclusion. For some, it drags on for years; people have already managed to start other families, but they do not have the treasured certificate of divorce. Everything that lasts until you receive this “piece of paper” is just the end of the relationship. Even when spouses are at war, it means they are still in a relationship! When the point is made, the legal issues are settled, it takes about a year for a person to close the old story and begin a new romance. Although in reality everything is very individual, some people spend their entire lives jumping from relationship to relationship, and most divorces occur when one of the spouses has already found a new partner.
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- Still, what is better: to take a break after a divorce or to plunge into a new relationship?
— You need to act according to your feelings, if there is a need for something new, you can, of course, run to relieve anxiety and in this way, too, when it helps. But it is important to understand that, firstly, you are now under extreme stress. Secondly, a “rescuer” is brought into your story, who is always needed only so that later there will be someone to blame for everything that happened. Thirdly, without going through a divorce, you will constantly talk about it, i.e. When you get a new partner, you inevitably turn him into some kind of “healing ears” for yourself. The exception is people who go to therapy and cannot stand 24/7 brainstorming with new lovers, mothers, friends, children, co-workers, etc.
— Frankly speaking, I don’t really understand why a person should go to a psychotherapist with such a delicate question, and not to a girlfriend or mother.
— A friend and mother will not help you reach a new level of perception of this issue. Yes, they can be good listeners, but they are not obliged to listen to your whining 24 hours a day, although they will most likely be embarrassed to admit it. Moreover, they will even tell you: “tell me everything, it will be easier for you.” Have pity on your loved ones! When you share your pain with them, you hurt them too. Yes, you can allow yourself such a confession once, twice, but the need to talk about your breakup will last a long time, it will take a lot of time to heal your torn soul, and all this time your loved ones will also be sick.
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— For some people, one of the ways to quickly get through a divorce is alcohol. Is there any alternative?
-What does alcohol do? It turns off mental defenses that, roughly speaking, protect you from worries - you try to look at things rationally, somehow invigorate yourself and not sink to the bottom of suffering. That's why they often drink and cry at the same time.
I see only one alternative here - take advantage of every opportunity to be alone with nature: walk, look at the trees, admire the sunsets. This helps to understand the depth of the situation, accept the inevitability of what happened, and take root with the idea that we need to move on.
— People are often advised to perceive divorce as a new chapter of life and are recommended to change their image or master some new activity that they have long wanted to try, i.e. pretend that nothing serious happened and life moves on. It works?
— It is important to distinguish between natural and manic elation, which at the very beginning can be like so-called ego inflation, when you begin to think: “Now we’ll live, now everything will be different!” In fact, everything will really be different, and we will heal, yes, after we survive the decline that has occurred, we will “burn out.”
Keep an eye on yourself so that after a short time you do not become very depressed. A sudden surge of strength may be its harbinger.
Of course, you need to help yourself in every possible way, but with the understanding that people usually don’t dance on graves. No, if you were married to a tyrant who raped and beat you, you can dance, freed from such a “gift”. But we are still talking about ordinary families and couples who realized that they had made a mistake and were facing a difficult, very sad separation. In some ways, this is even worse than the death of loved ones. When a person dies, you realize much faster that nothing can come back. To understand: death is when a hand is immediately cut off, and divorce is when they are cut off gradually, along the phalanx of the fingers, and not just one, but two hands, in turn! Therefore, you can pretend that everything is cool and life goes on, of course, if you objectively have the strength to do so.
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- How to deal with the obsessive thought that now you are left alone and no one needs you anymore?
“It’s okay, it’s completely normal to think like that when the entire previous system of coordinates collapses.” Look what happens in a year, most likely, the fear will go away by itself, because you will live and adapt to new conditions. In addition, do not forget that we do not live in the 18th century, where in the village there are two streets and one and a half men: one is an old man, the other is a cripple... In such conditions, yes, it is difficult to find new love, but in our time, with modern opportunities , everything is completely different. Therefore, if you want, you will get married, if you don’t want, you won’t get married. It is very important not to lose your sense of freedom.
— Many people begin to blame themselves for divorce, how to stop this process if it has already started?
- Even if you were to blame, learn to forgive yourself and not repeat the mistakes again. We need to talk about this as much as possible, again, I am for a paid psychologist in this matter than for free mother’s ears. In such a matter, you need someone who will put you on the right track so as not to stumble again! It is also useful to write letters to yourself or your ex-spouse. This will make it easier for you to understand why you could have corrected something, but did not fix it in the end. Most likely, there is an explanation and justification for this. We often evaluate the situation from today, and if you go back to the day when the wrong decision was made, then most likely there will be much fewer questions for yourself. Write letters, but don't send them.
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— What to do with the numerous common things that inevitably remain after any marriage?
- Of course, you need to get rid of other people's things. It is advisable to carefully remove all photographs of you together. I probably wouldn’t destroy them, because someday we will all be 88 and want to remember the past... When time passes, it is no longer so painful for a person to return to the past. But when we talk about the first time after a divorce, of course, the situation is the opposite. Carefully collect your husband's things and give them to him. This is very important because by being around things from the past, you maintain a relationship with the past.
— Some psychologists advise burning things, conducting something like a cleansing ritual, what do you think of this idea?
— The burning ritual is like a funeral, essentially a farewell ritual. In my practice, there were people who greatly regretted that they burned or destroyed their photos together, some memorabilia or small but very meaningful gifts.
Besides, no matter how much you burn, everything remains in memory. And when you try to get rid of some memories, they come to you in dreams, in a drunken state, in various other so-called near-psychotic states. And it is never beautiful or pleasant when it visits us against our will.
I think that a ritual such as containment would be better suited here. Find a specific place where you can put away all things related to marriage, the main thing is that they are not in front of your eyes, but in a closet or in the country, and let them lie quietly there - believe me, the past will leave you alone faster than if you try to burn it. What is important here is to understand the point that you are not destroying memory, but giving it a safe place to store it.
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— What to do with mutual friends after a divorce?
— One of my colleagues who went through a divorce once said this about this: “Ultimately, I stopped all communication with people who support my ex-husband.” This is very painful, at least for the first time, which lasts from 3 to 5 years, when people get used to the fact that they have become strangers, the warm feelings have passed, but some strange, ugly emotions towards each other have appeared. In this regard, it is better to reduce to a minimum contact with people who support the side of the ex-spouse and continue to communicate with him. This will make it much easier for you.
Life after a breakup
The main point is what divorce teaches you. Remember that in any situation, no matter how hopeless and hopeless it may seem to you, there is always a resource. All that remains is to see him.
Yes, I understand, now you are depressed, you have a lot of thoughts, a lot of worries and you are scared. But if you live through these emotions, release them, close the gestalt with unsuccessful relationships, you will understand that you can breathe deeply and be happy even with the “divorced” mark in some document.
divorce
How to recover after a divorce?
Hello, Anastasia!
Our world begins with ourselves, and what is in our heads, in our thoughts, sooner or later becomes reality, reality.
Therefore, before starting a new relationship, you need to end the old ones and understand your attitudes regarding men, relationships and the role of women in the family.
Ending an old relationship means analyzing all its pros and cons, understanding what they taught you, but it was a good lesson - they showed you how to recognize a man you don’t want next to you, what qualities he has, how he behaves. After all, you can describe your husband and what you didn’t like about him. But you didn’t learn your lesson and again entered into a relationship with the same man.
During consultations, women often say that they attract such men, but in reality everything is simpler - they choose them themselves. So you chose again the same as your ex-husband. Therefore, think and answer the question - why do you need such a man?
To better understand, you need to understand the attitudes in your head and the idea of men in general; perhaps these are the men who seem normal and familiar to you, or perhaps you simply do not know how to recognize the signs that indicate deception. It’s better, of course, to visit a psychologist, you can do it online, since it’s difficult to see your difficulties from the outside.
I assume that you have a tendency towards codependent relationships, when you, in the role of “Victim and Rescuer”, invest in relationships, but knowingly choose a Tyrant man, obvious or hidden, and such relationships are simply doomed to suffering.
It’s very good that you want changes, so they will happen. But you need to work on yourself, first love yourself, allow yourself to be with a worthy man. I think you also have prohibitions here, otherwise you would not have tolerated such an attitude from your husband, would not have supported him, and especially would not have regretted the separation after a while. Then figure out the image of a man who will correspond to your ideas about the ideal, then understand by what signs in his behavior and character you recognize him. And then a man will definitely appear - YOURS. In our country there are 70% of divorces and remarriages, so a woman with a child is not uncommon. And then children have never been an obstacle either to marriage or to separation. Therefore, get out of the position of victim, take your destiny into your own hands, become happy both for yourself and for the sake of your daughter.
If you have any questions, please contact us for a consultation, I will be happy to help you figure it out and start looking at men with confidence!
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