Emotional boundaries: how to maintain personal space

How far do the boundaries of comfort extend?

The boundaries of the personal zone are difficult to standardize.
It is possible to more or less clearly indicate only the minimal territorial claims of a representative of homo sapiens. It is believed that a comfortable distance of personal space is on average 50-60 cm. How much is it for you or, say, for me? Don't know.

It is possible to reflect on the limits of one’s own closedness only after the fact of a problematic situation, and the identified pattern will turn out to be very approximate. The circumstances of contact will change - the personal zone will shrink or, conversely, expand.

V. Burkova and M. Butovskaya in the article “Personal space and aggressive behavior in Russian adolescents: ethological analysis” (“Personality Development”, No. 3, 2008) say:

The zone of personal space changes even depending on the position of the body: a sitting person, unlike a standing person, tries to reserve a distance between himself and the interlocutor.

There are, however, parameters whose effect can actually be predicted. The already mentioned V. Burkova and M. Butovskaya write about the role of gender:

Personal space in relationships

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Category - Society and people

The development of personal relationships goes through several stages, the first has a romantic name - the candy-bouquet period.

In a process in which a man and a woman spend maximum of their time together.

They do not imagine themselves separately, it seems to them that they are a single whole and nothing can change this.

But, as time passes, the relationship reaches the next stage of development, within which it is necessary to separate from each other, remain in solitude and pursue exclusively their own interests.

When partners are able to conduct their lives without looking at each other, they will be able to maintain a strong and harmonious relationship.

But often a love story develops according to a different scenario. It happens that one of the partners does not see the personal boundaries of the other and is not able to get on with his life.

Maximum involvement of the other half is important to him, otherwise he experiences a whole bunch of negative emotions.

Naturally, he cannot remain silent about this and constantly harasses his partner with negative behavior.

Dependency in relationships

Most often, women begin to reproach their chosen one for spending little time with her.

She doesn't like it when he doesn't answer his calls or refuses to spend the evening with her.

She begins to come up with reasons for his inattention that have nothing to do with reality.

The woman begins to ask herself questions and gives answers to them herself.

As a result, she is able to bring herself to a hysterical state and throw it out on her chosen one.

She does not know how to exist in the context of her own life without his participation.

Her attention is constantly drawn to that side of his life that remains outside her field of vision.

She is sure that she should know everything about her life partner, because they are a couple, which means there should be no secrets between them.

The woman often calls, writes messages, asks questions, throws tantrums. It is important for her to be aware of all events.

Thus, she does not leave the man a single chance for personal space.

She doesn’t understand why it’s needed, because she herself doesn’t hide anything from him and is always ready to be there.

In fact, this line of behavior speaks of low self-esteem and a complete lack of personal life.

A woman voluntarily surrenders herself to the slavery of emotional dependence and feels quite comfortable.

She simply made the man the “highlight of the program” and riveted her attention to him.

Such representatives of the fair sex often lack other areas of activity.

They deliberately refuse them in order to have more time to spend with their loved one.

You can often observe how such women have difficulties at work, their relationships with friends deteriorate, and most importantly, their circle of interests narrows sharply.

In their life, only the man and everything connected with him remain.

But such behavior has never made anyone happy. Representatives of the stronger sex run as fast as they can from such women.

They are literally suffocating from such love and total care.

Sometimes men come to the conclusion that such ladies are a little out of their minds and need to see a psychiatrist. Painful addiction destroys even the strongest love relationships.

Personal space in relationships

In order to build a happy and harmonious relationship, you need to make sure that your own life is bright and interesting.

You cannot turn your partner into the only meaning of life. A living person cannot be a constant source of positive energy; a complete energy exchange must occur.

If a woman has nothing to give a man, sooner or later he will leave her; the same can happen if a man makes his chosen one the “highlight of the program” and tirelessly monitors the course of her life.

Everyone should have a personal space within which both men and women can function independently.

Of course, close interaction must be maintained, which is precisely what gives that energy exchange.

Otherwise, the relationship is doomed to failure.

If a man or woman does not master self-sufficiency, the relationship scenario will be repeated with enviable consistency.

Maintaining your partner's personal space

Here are some practical tips:

1. Respect other people's personal space. By limiting the freedom of his partner in one way or another, a person often forgets that he also has it.

Surely you also have something to do while your other half is away. Consider your free time not as a punishment, but as an opportunity to spend interesting leisure time alone with yourself or with loved ones. You certainly deserve to manage your personal time as you wish.

You can even focus your partner’s attention on this, reminding him that you also need your personal space

2. Find a hobby. This will help you create your own circle of interests that will differ from the interests of your partner. You can take educational courses, or just play some kind of sport. It will be even better if you find a group of like-minded friends. This way you will always know what to do with your free time and will not be so dependent on the presence of your other half. In addition, a hobby is a good way to take your mind off thoughts about where your partner is now and what he is doing.

3. Stop controlling all the actions of your significant other. To do this, remind yourself more often that your partner is not a slave, and you have no right to tell him what to do or how to behave. In addition, you should not check all your/your spouse's phone calls and emails. Most likely, there will be nothing incriminating there, but such interference will leave an extremely unpleasant aftertaste in the soul. And the fact that you are related, for example, by marriage, does not justify such behavior. After all, starting a family is a mutual and voluntary decision, which does not at all imply a renunciation of personal freedom. When entering into any romantic relationship, a person must find more than he loses. Freedom in this case is too high a price that not everyone will be willing to pay. Therefore, before you once again try to force your loved one to do as you want, think about what he gets from this relationship and how much longer he will agree to endure total control on your part for this.

4. Remember: even love and care should be in moderation. After all, excessive guardianship usually involves regular and quite active interference in your partner’s personal space, which can negatively affect your relationship

Even if you think that the more attention you give to your loved one, the more he or she will love you. There is no denying that this happens very often.

However, it is still important not to overdo it, because too much care can tire and bore you. In addition, it often happens that, surrounded by attention around the clock, a person gets used to it and stops appreciating it.

5. Accept the fact that you and your other half may have completely different interests. Therefore, do not try to prohibit your partner from doing what he likes. So you not only invade his personal space, but also form your negative image of a “supervisor” in his eyes. At the same time, accepting your loved one's interests and hobbies will indicate that you respect him/her as a person. You should also not give your loved one any ultimatums, such as “either me or football”, “either me or my friends”. Thus, you deprive the person of any choice, causing him serious offense.

Of course, in order to follow these rules day after day, you will have to work quite hard on yourself and somewhat change your views on relationships. But believe me, it's worth it. If you learn to respect the personal space of your loved one, your union will be much stronger and harmonious.

Personal space

Maria Alferova, author of the “Private Opinion” program
Recently, my youngest son and I visited a very interesting Moscow museum called “Living Systems”. It shows and tells about how living organisms, including humans, work. All exhibits of the museum can be touched and put into action.

What interested me in this museum was the green ring painted on the floor. It determines the size of each person’s personal zone: the distance at which it is comfortable to approach him. This is the distance of an outstretched arm - from half a meter to a meter. In this zone we interact with family and friends, admission to this zone is a sign of trust and friendship. Even closer contact - up to half a meter - is an intimate zone, where only the closest ones are allowed.

And I thought about the need for personal space for every person. Not only purely physical space at arm's length, but also psychological personal space, into which even those closest to you are not allowed without permission. And this is right when every person, including a child, has an inviolable individual space where no one interferes or breaks into it, and this is his personal space.

For one person this space is wider, for another it is narrower, but the need for such a personal territory, completely controlled and safe, is universal. This space is perceived by a person as part of his own “I”, and therefore encroachments on this territory are so painfully perceived as an attack from which it is necessary to defend. In Prishvin’s diaries there is a thought about the need to protect the “shrine of selfhood” of every person. In the West, this shrine of the self is called “privacy” - in our country it is translated as “privacy”.

Unfortunately, not everyone understands this. And today it very often happens that wives read their husbands’ personal mail and look for seditious SMS messages in their phones. "How so?" - they think, “If I don’t do this, I won’t be able to keep my husband under control, he’ll let go and find someone else. No, I’d rather quietly look through his phone, rummage through his jacket in search of notes...” You can also hear that mothers break into the room of their adult children without permission. Very often this happens because they were treated the same way as children. And there is no experience on how to protect someone else’s personal space, how not to break into places where you shouldn’t break into. And such a mother is even offended when a teenager locks his room and hides his personal notes from her with a password. But it’s still worth learning to respect the personal space of your loved ones. After all, a child whose boundaries are respected by his parents will learn to respect his own and others’ boundaries, will be able to subsequently stand up for himself, will understand what he wants, and will take responsibility for his decisions.

But here they might ask me this question. How can you not check the personal messages of your grown-up child if scary stories about teenage groups on social networks are being told from all sides... How to deal with this? If a teenager doesn’t say anything at home, how can you understand what’s going on in his life if you don’t secretly read his correspondence?

The only way to find out what is going on in my child’s life is to build a trusting relationship with him. Look: our Heavenly Father is very respectful of our personal freedom and never imposes anything. Respect and support, and most importantly, contact with a teenager - this is what will help me at least roughly imagine how and what he lives, what worries and upsets him. Only this way, and no other way: not by violence, not by breaking borders. And they will be grateful to their parents for this. Mutual trust and respect are very fragile and delicate flowers, but they can and should be grown through joint efforts in the family field.

Personal space of a person - relationship distance

This category studies the physical openness of the individual, i.e. the real spatial readiness of a person to allow another person into his presence. It is directly influenced by factors:

The closeness of these people's relationships
Their gender and age definitions
Cultural and ethnic affiliation
Social status and lifestyle

Researchers have noted the following “parameters” for designing the dimensions of a person’s personal space (interesting facts have also been discovered using animals as an example), namely:

The communication distance of males is greater than that of females (explained in the level and degree of dominance or aggression)

In reality, even in different cultures, similar trends can be observed in humans - the communication distance for women is reduced compared to that of men, communication in pairs occurs a little further than for women, but closer than for men. Children violate this pattern due to their age-related curiosity.

The distance of communication and personal space changes according to the age of the individual

So, an infant is inseparable from his mother, so it turns out that he does not have any personal space at all. He begins to defend his privacy by the age of 3-4 years. The factor of gender is added here - already by the age of 8-9 the individual’s claims to his own space begin (boys have more). This trend continues until the age of 16 or until the age of full socialization of a person.

Cultural and ethnic gradations of privacy

This is an obvious fact of the difference in the “normalization” of communication distance in different cultures. For example, the same E. Hall divided all world cultures according to the principle of contact (contact or non-contact). Thus, in contact cultures there is a reduced distance between the participants in communication, high tactility is acceptable (they can touch each other) and emotional connection (look into the eyes, etc.). However, further experiments showed a certain inconsistency of such a division.

Personal space can be normalized not only by culture, but also by a person’s subculture

For example, an urban subculture “requires” less space than a rural one, a youth subculture also requires less space than an elite one, etc.

Boundaries of interpersonal communication and their characteristics

Edward Hall identified 4 spatial boundaries for communication, each of which implies maintaining a certain distance from a person upon contact:

Intimate. A person can be at a distance of 10-15 cm to 40 cm from us upon contact. Only our closest friends, family, and people with whom we have intimate relationships are allowed into this zone. She is characterized by frequent touching, hugs, a quiet voice, and trust.
Personal. This zone has boundaries from 40-45 cm to 100 cm. It includes people with whom we most often come into contact during business communications with colleagues, meetings with friends and acquaintances.
Personal distance only implies confident visual contact with communicating people, and only sometimes socially determined touching.
For example, shaking hands when meeting, patting the outside of the arm from the elbow to the shoulder.
Social. The boundaries of this zone are from 1 m to 3-4 m. It is observed during business meetings in spacious rooms - usually of a distinctly official nature, as well as in classrooms and classrooms when contacting students.
Public. It has boundaries of 4 m. It is observed when speaking in front of a large group of people - for example, at a concert, rally or in the so-called live audience.

The indicated boundaries of spatial communication zones may also vary somewhat depending on the following factors:

From a person’s self-esteem and confidence. In this case, a violation of the communication distance or its reduction occurs on the initiative of a more active person who is confident in his abilities. But people with low self-esteem tend to stay a little away from their interlocutor, sometimes even retreating, taking a step back.
From the individual psychological characteristics of a person. Cholerics and extroverts also have more compressed boundaries of communication, while phlegmatic people and introverts strive to expand their intimate zone. At the same time, they tend not only to protect their own boundaries, but also not to violate the intimate area of their interlocutor.
From the conditions of upbringing.
Those people who grew up without siblings and also had their own room in childhood, as a rule, in adulthood need more extensive personal space than children who grew up in cramped conditions. At the same time, the attitude laid down by parents towards a person’s personal boundaries is also greatly affected.
From nationality. Different peoples also have their own traditional distances for communication. For example, they are more extensive among the Japanese and residents of Northern Europe, who avoid touching when communicating and try to keep a respectful distance from the interlocutor, but the more temperamental peoples of the Caucasus, Italians, and Latin Americans allow closer contact with the interlocutor.

Bottom line

Personal boundaries are very important for every person. Absolutely any healthy person strives for autonomy, independence and independence. That is why any person must have a place in the material world where he will be the absolute master, no one will be able to enter his territory, and if he wants to, he will first ask permission.

No one has the right to control personal space in the soul, not even loved ones and parents/children. Everyone is free to push out everyone who illegally encroaches on his personal space.

What does the personal reserve area include?

The personal zone is, first of all, the body

When someone else gets too close to you, your brain signals: “Attention, maximum danger!” The signal increases when it comes to touch

The next most important component of individual comfort is the territory that you regard as your own and safe. It can be not only an apartment, but also a temporary place in the sun - for example, a bunk in a train carriage.

Imagine that you are traveling on the bottom bunk, have already laid out your laundry, and suddenly another passenger enters the compartment. How will you feel when he sits next to you, occupying half of the already inhabited bed? Exactly.

An interesting case is personal space at work. In a cramped shared office, everyone defends their desk to the best of their ability. The traditional way to mark a place is to use markers. I don’t mean a variety of stationery, but any atypical little things - framed family photographs, decorative figures, original pencil holders.

Personal items that are especially dear to the owner - whether on an office desk or at home - play the role of an independent component of a private zone. These things are especially common:

souvenirs that remind you of something important; jewelry (they are perceived almost as part of one’s appearance); objects that provide familiar everyday pleasures - a favorite chair, your own mug; knife, gun and other means of self-defense.

Inviolable values also include purely psychological phenomena - attitudes, habits, tastes.

Let's say a child who is forced to eat his unloved rice porridge instead of his favorite oatmeal feels deeply hurt. His sensations will be similar to those that arise in an adult in response to a familiar pat on the shoulder.

What does having personal space mean to you?

This is the admission of any manifestations of one’s own personality within the circle of protection. Here, as in previous articles, there is no need to defend the right to your own point of view. There is no need to “attack” others in order to win a “place in the sun.” It is enough to allocate your own space for self-affirmation. Thoughts, actions, beliefs no longer need external approval. You give yourself rights and do not require the consent of others.

Expressing your point of view aggressively in advance, designed to protect your previously non-existent space, has lost all meaning. You no longer need to prove anything to anyone, win or defend anything. There is no need to chase external permission to be: the approval and consent of others. You don't even need their attention or hearing.

You do not allow strangers, unpleasant people into your abode, and generally close the door there. Thus, you save yourself from unpleasant attacks and insults. There is no obligation to “show politeness” and contact those who are unpleasant. You build a psychological distance beyond which the offenders have no way.

To stop communicating means to leave and take your world away from the common world. The participant does not lose his “place in the sun”, but maintains the integrity of his nature and protects himself from destructive emotions. And that's normal. It is better to be alone in your own abode than, in pursuit of warmth and support, to bring guests to you who will insult, offend and leave a burden of unpleasant feelings.

And at the same time, you acquire the ability to protect and see someone else’s space. You don’t attack with harsh criticism, you don’t feel the need to express an opinion (usually unkind) at any cost. You share your impressions. But only when you are asked to do so. And then the judgment will acquire the very value, importance and attention that I dreamed of.

You do not impose yourself on any interlocutor you like with the desire to maintain an interesting conversation and, thus, prove yourself. You don’t tighten the stranglehold with the desire to “finally communicate with an intelligent person.” Rather, you maintain mutual interest, which is exciting for all participants, thus not invading someone else’s space. You respect each person's personal emotional territory. And, as a result, you discover contacts in which not only you are interested, but are also passionate about you. And this is a clear confirmation of your interest. Why did you chase for so long and unsuccessfully? Thus, you get healthy, comprehensive communication, and not, as before, based on your worship and admiration for your interlocutor. By the way, the interlocutors no longer scatter in different directions, frightened by aggressive interest.

There is no more need to share. The storehouse of knowledge, thoughts and discoveries does not break, wanting to spill out and fall on the defenseless victims from the last paragraph. The inner world calmly fits into the space allocated for it. Does not require confirmation, attention, or space. Space is designated by its own awareness and thus has an automatic right to exist.

What determines the size of personal space?

The comfort zone, which is associated with personal space, varies from person to person and its size depends on several factors:

From the individual psychological characteristics of the individual. Choleric people have less personal space than phlegmatic people, and they willingly violate the boundaries of another person’s intimate zone. Not only phlegmatic people, but also introverts in general, on the contrary, sacredly respect the right of others to personal space, but they themselves react negatively to violation of their own.
On the degree of confidence and self-esteem of a person. People with low self-esteem are not confident in themselves or in their interlocutor, so they try to stay away from him. Sometimes they even retreat during the conversation, thereby increasing the distance. An attempt to violate their personal space can provoke aggression. On the other hand, people with high self-esteem tend to violate the personal space of their interlocutor, while simultaneously reducing their own.
From the characteristics of upbringing and growing up conditions. Children without siblings have more personal space than those who grew up in large families. Anyone who had their own room as a child will grow up to guard their personal space more jealously than children who grew up in cramped conditions. In general, respect for the personal space of other people and one’s own is laid down in the process of upbringing and largely depends on the behavior of parents, who are role models.
From the peculiarities of the national character. Depending on these characteristics, peoples are divided into contact and non-contact peoples. Contact groups include many southern temperamental ethnic groups, such as Latin Americans, Italians, and representatives of the South Caucasus. When communicating, they are close to the interlocutor and often touch him. Non-contact peoples, which include the inhabitants of Northern Europe, on the contrary, have a fairly large personal space and avoid tactile contact with the interlocutor.

The size of personal space is also influenced by cultural and religious traditions. For example, in general, temperamental Indians prefer to keep their distance from their communication partner and avoid touching. The same can be said about the Japanese.

How not to violate your children's personal space?

Very often, adults do not attach importance to little things that traumatize the child. For example, I often hear similar phrases from parents: “Well, kiss grandma!” Of course, everyone wants a child to grow up affectionate and loving to his grandparents, but a child does not have to want to kiss his grandmother - this violates his intimate boundaries. Try this behavior on yourself: would you be offended by being asked to kiss someone? This also includes situations when, for example, a girl is bathed by her father or a brother lives with his sister in the same room. At a certain age, children begin to understand the differences between boys and girls, and shyness appears in front of members of the opposite sex. Be attentive to your children and pay attention to whether the child is experiencing discomfort. There are no clear age boundaries here: some are comfortable until adolescence, while others already in kindergarten refuse to change clothes with everyone else. The main thing here is to respect the child’s right to intimate boundaries.

The older a child gets, the more separated he becomes from his parents, and the more personal space he needs, especially during adolescence.

The meaning of adolescence is separation, separation from parents, and it is during this period that it is extremely important to allow the child to have secrets. Yes, most parents are scared, because no one is immune from bad company, smoking, profanity, experiments with alcohol and early sexual activity. But it is important to understand that parental control, on the contrary, will make the child even more willing to break the rules, as well as hide his feelings and actions from his parents. Remember the crisis of three years, when the baby did everything the opposite? In adolescence, the same picture often occurs. Trust your child, because you have been raising him for many years and know him well.

Many parents try to look at their child’s phone, read his text messages, personal diary, and look at his profiles on social networks. The desire to find out more about your child is understandable and natural, but it is important not to forget out of fear for him that he is already an adult and has the right to hide anything from you. If there are trusting relationships within the family, which are established long before adolescence, the child himself will tell most of what is happening in his life. Allow the teenager to dose out this information himself.

During adolescence, the parent-child relationship is very fragile, and if the child finds out that the parent was rummaging through his phone, reading messages, looking at his personal diary, then trust will disappear and he will have to fight for its reappearance. Teenagers react painfully to invasion of personal space, and even such a small thing as not knocking on the door can cause a storm of indignation. Allow your teen to be as mature as is reasonably safe. Believe me, if a child wants to try smoking, he will do it regardless of whether you read his social networks or not. But it will be very difficult to regain trust.

Ekaterina Golovina

Photo from pravmir.ru

How do you spend your leisure time with your child?

Spending time together between parents and children helps not only to lift their spirits, but also to find a common language.
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Personal boundaries: how to set them

And now we come to the most important thing: how to build a territory and what skills are needed for this. As mentioned above, people are not born with a sense of personal space, they work on it throughout their lives

After all, when meeting a new person, you have to put out “border guards”, getting used to the peculiarities of communicating with him.

To make the result noticeable, psychologists give several recommendations:

Start with self-assessment. Anyone who allows himself to be manipulated lacks confidence. Understand that you are also an individual and have the same rights as others.
You know what you want. Anyone who does not understand his desires is easily influenced. Therefore, set goals and do what you love, without taking into account other people's opinions.
Learn to say no. Helping others is good, but not at the expense of yourself. If it's not your responsibility, you can agree or say a firm "No" without feeling guilty.
Let's fight back. Someone else has encroached on your space - don’t remain silent. Know how to stand up for yourself: protect yourself from unnecessary advice or ask not to ask too intrusive questions.
Stop blaming everyone! The only one to blame for your failures is you. Do not shift responsibility to parents, friends or random passers-by. Only you can fix the situation now.
Limit interactions with energy vampires and unpleasant people. If conversations with an acquaintance take all your energy, and your “girlfriend” constantly talks about her own problems and is not interested in your affairs, why put yourself at risk?

How to defend your personal boundaries: 3 ways

When strangers encroach on your personal “territory,” it is necessary to defend it with all your might. We are afraid of offending a person by refusing or we feel too strongly about responsibility. And therefore we act to our detriment.

Does your mother give you urgent advice? Tell her that you know what to do and are confident in yourself.

Does your girlfriend constantly complain about life, not paying attention to your disinterest? Let her know that she can only talk about good things with you.

Psychologists recommend writing down incidents that disturb your mental balance on paper and coming up with specific safe words for them. In order not to hesitate at the right moment, play out the situations and their possible outcomes in your head. And follow the algorithm when communicating that causes discomfort.

To protect yourself from an invasion, you need to take three actions. We will talk about them further.

Feel the disturbance

Imagine: you are planning to spend a day off with your loved one, but then your boss calls asking you to come to work. What feelings do you think will arise? If you are in a great mood and want to work hard, they are positive. What if plans for a joint vacation were made in a week?

In all cases, put “I” first. You should not take actions to the detriment of yourself, so as not to disappoint others.

You are violating personal boundaries

If you are trying to get certain actions from others, start with yourself. Therefore, in order to protect your own space, you need to learn to respect someone else’s. After all, we are not perfect either.

The simplest example: meeting a friend on the street, we ask where he is going. It would seem that this is a common thing, but it may be unpleasant for someone to answer.

Listen to yourself

How do you feel when others cross the “line” or do you? What is driving you at the moment? Curiosity, inattention - whatever it is, try to get rid of such feelings.

Thoughts and actions that create an opening for boundary violations

Thoughts from the “I should...” series: I should be kind, I should help people, I should be nice, and so on. The inability to say “no” is a clear manifestation of the inability to maintain personal boundaries.
Life seems to be wide open. For example, we lend money and don’t ask for repayment, and again and again we help a person who does not thank or even criticizes. We work on ourselves, improve our mood and condition, and then someone comes and sucks the energy out of us, but we are afraid and do not know how to stop it.
You yourself take from others, realizing that you cannot give back. This is already close to parasitism.
Thoughts about who owes you and to whom you owe.

And it’s better, of course, to stop this: stop giving to those who do not give to you, and if there is an opposite situation, see what you can give. Gratitude or offering a favor in return will already restore the balance.

What does invasion of personal space lead to?

The author of a number of widely cited articles on the psychological space, S.K. Nartova-Bochaver, writes that her research was prompted by her experience working at the advisory center of the Childhood Research Institute of the Russian Children's Fund: “It was noticed that cases of aggressive behavior, vandalism, home and school theft of children and adolescents often occurred in situations where the child’s need for personal living space was infringed (deprived) from the very beginning of his life or as a result of stressful events for the child (for example, the appearance of a stepfather in the family)” (S. K. Nartova-Bochaver, “The concept of “psychological space of the individual” and its heuristic capabilities”, “Psychological Science and Education”, No. 1, 2002).

The more the child suffered from the intrusions of elders into his personal affairs - from the non-recognition of personal ownership of things and toys, from the inability to hide diary entries, etc. - the more sharp his response turned out to be.

To express the idea generally, it was expressed in the development of a “communal psyche” - an unwillingness to recognize the personal space of other people and the desire to aggressively expand one’s own comfort zone.

Constant violation of an adult’s personal space also leads to very obvious results.

In the article “Privacy Theory as a Direction in Foreign Psychology” (“Psychological Journal”, Vol. 27, No. 5, 2006, S.K. Nartova-Bochaver) describes the experiment of A. J. DeLong.

DeLong observed the lives of nursing home clients. At first, older people used common rooms. They tried to strictly define their area - they placed things on stools and window sills. Pensioners were not very willing to communicate with each other and often showed signs of aggression.

Then the clients of the institution were provided with separate rooms. Their behavior changed dramatically. They became more open and friendly towards their neighbors, and stopped “marking” areas of the room with unnecessary things.

This concerns systematic incursions into the comfort zone.

Self-protection during accidental close contacts

From time to time, each of us has to let strangers into our space - use buses during rush hour, enter the elevators of shopping centers.

In the book “Body Language Bible” (Eksmo, Moscow, 2010), D. Morris explains:

While the situation is favorable, participants in casual close contact strive to “put on blinders”:

block the side view with your palm;
cross your legs and arms;
concentrate on the book;
turn on the player.

I note that the feeling of rejection is not caused by any crowd, but only by a random one. Being among many people who have something in common, we do not get irritated, moreover, we experience pleasure.

A living example from the author of www.samorazwitie.ru. I went to the Philharmonic. Before the concert, my seat neighbors annoyed me - they loudly discussed their business and took pictures. The woman on the right leaned on the arm of the chair... As soon as the concert began, I felt that those around me were attractive. We had a common occupation, we became “our own people.”

Shamelessness in dialogue

The consequences of invading a personal zone when communicating with an individual interlocutor are not easy to predict - to do this you need to truly understand the person.

When meeting someone - I already wrote about this here - ignoring boundaries will most likely be perceived as rudeness (unless, of course, we are talking about flirting against the backdrop of a sudden outbreak of mutual sympathy).

When communicating with someone you already know, violating personal space can have a double effect. The interlocutor will either move away or regard the rapprochement as a generally pleasant sign of a transition to a new level of trust. A third scenario is also possible: the interlocutor will be confused, thinking that you are trying to dominate.

Violation

It should be borne in mind that psychology is not a very precise science, since the individual characteristics of each person must be taken into account. Some people are comfortable communicating from afar, while others feel comfortable communicating face to face. It is difficult for those people who have heightened feelings about safety when they need some distance from others. After all, then at concerts they experience panic, on public transport irritation, disgust and anxiety, the same in the elevator, at work, and so on.

Let’s assume that each intrusion is akin to a slap in the face, but now imagine how many slaps in the face a person experiences during the day? In this case, the emotional sphere is exposed, the person is not able to adequately respond to the slightest stimuli, because he had to endure and experience stress, and for a long time. But what about a child who is called capricious, but in fact was “tortured” with hugs and kisses that he did not want?

Have you noticed that there are people who like to talk when their faces are too close to each other? It seems that you move away a little or lean back, and this person approaches again. And he seems to be a good person, but you want to end the conversation with him quickly. And when something has to be endured, we are talking about boundaries. After all, what prevents an obsessive person from telling you to move away a little, otherwise you’re not particularly comfortable?

Examples of violation

It often happens that a person seems to understand this, but is ready to “betray” himself in order to get something. Therefore, women can endure the bullying of their men for years, thinking that through obedience and sacrifice they will win their love, which can change the tyrants. Or because they are afraid to take responsibility and break this vicious circle. Loneliness scares what others will say...

Or, for example, an employee is ready to follow any instructions, even going to the extent of going out on a day off, just to please the bosses, who will appreciate it and definitely give it a raise. Do you know the fables about how a true friend will never leave you in trouble, so he will wake up at any time of the night and rush to help bury a corpse and the like?

There are many reasons why a person ignores his own self, but a more common reason is ignorance of himself or the fact that everyone has the right to their own opinion and personal space.

Well, let’s say I don’t like sweets, what should I do now, stuff myself with it in order to meet someone’s expectations? No, you just have to learn to keep a balance between your “I” and the demands of society.

Phone and boundaries: TAKE CARE of your personal space!

You, too, are probably constantly getting calls from these different sales people, violating your personal boundaries, taking up your time, attention, perhaps even money on roaming, and constructing a dialogue something like this:

- Hello!

Pause. Who teaches these guys to pause? All these coaches need to be fired. Instead of being required to at least speak quickly and clearly, they are taught to draw out their words and pause! They are taught to expect that they will also be politely greeted in return; this man, disconnected from his affairs, will greet joyfully this guy, about whom he has no idea, but gloomily guesses that he stole his phone number somewhere, to sell him something unnecessary.

“Yes,” says, say, a person, seeing that the pause has been prolonged, and the person on the other end of the line is proudly waiting for a polite hello in response. That’s what a stupid coach taught him, stuck in the 90s, when advertising had just started appearing, the information flow was sluggish and it still worked somehow.

- My name is Vasiliy! - the dumbass announces joyfully and pauses again. (According to instructions)

Or (more often girls call):

- My name is Anastasia!

(What are they waiting for? “Very nice, Nastenka, and I’m Fyodor. Are you married?” No? Why do I need to know her name?)

The person is nervous because he guesses that it’s the scammer calling him, but he can’t say “Fuck you Anastasia,” because he’s not sure that it’s him and not some friend of his. And he painfully tries to recognize this voice, straining his gray matter.

And then, after a majestic pause, the essence of the proposal begins to be outlined very slowly. Well, the salon offers some kind of shitty promotion or LLC plastic windows, it doesn’t matter. It is important that the person did not ask any of this, did not ask to call himself, was not going to waste time listening to advertising, he stopped watching TV because of advertising a long time ago. But no, he is forced to listen until he hangs up.

Nonsense, do you think? No. This is about petty blood drinking. And also a very low level of communication.

So here it is. Everyone better keep that in mind. I don’t rely on stupid coaches, of course, I rely on my smart readers. In our time, you cannot call a person without prior agreement or without prior written communication.

You cannot invade personal space by calling. No one! It is undesirable even for your friends, even your loved ones, if you have not previously agreed to call at this time. It is forbidden. Everyone has mobile Internet, you need to send a message briefly stating the essence of the matter.

What do you need? What's your problem? What do you want to spend people's attention on? Maybe all this can be resolved in writing? And if not, then let him choose the form himself, if it’s not for him, but for you. And if you call without his request, then you need it, don’t get confused.

That is, write “Can I call?” also not very good in terms of respect for boundaries. You need to briefly describe the essence of the matter about which you want to call. Indicate what you want to talk about, and then the person will decide whether he needs it or not, how urgent it is, whether he wants to hear you right this very minute or whether it is more convenient for him to postpone the conversation until the evening.

Or maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you about this topic at all. It's his right. You are sending a request and you should do it in a way that makes the person feel comfortable.

Well, if you suddenly call without a prior agreement, speak quickly and to the point, without any pauses and “hello... uh... how are you there?” It's not him calling you, understand? He is busy there with something of his own, perhaps very interesting, and you interrupt him and do not save his time.

Yes, even if you are sure that he is a slacker, or you are convinced that he is happy to hear your voice, the rules are still the same. This is very important, this is not a small thing. From such little things here and there, here and here, a person’s fatigue and irritation gradually accumulates from you. Well, in general, it’s very useful to keep track of your boundaries in small things , so that later you don’t screw up in big ways, where it will cost you more.

Some people think that calling and asking: “Is it possible to talk now or call back?” - it's polite. No. Because you didn't say what to talk about. If it’s about his business and his interests, then he has the opportunity, even if he’s busy, but if it’s about some nonsense, then there’s no opportunity and no, no need to call back, it’s better sometime during a meeting or when it’s convenient for both of you phone.

It is especially impolite when a person said that he cannot talk, and you ask him to call you back, and you are not his boss or his wife, mother, but just someone left and you did not tell him what he should call you back about. A lot of people don’t understand this, unfortunately, but they should. This shapes the idea of boundaries.

Do you have examples of such violation of boundaries, like this telephone spam?

When in a store consultants begin to meddle intrusively and profusely and literally pursue you, making you want to immediately leave this place and never go there again - it’s about the same story, yes, but a little better.

Still, at least you came there yourself, maybe you ended up there by accident, and they caught you, but at least the consultant didn’t come to your home. How, by the way, should a consultant behave so as not to push a person beyond his boundaries and not drive him into a corner?

And please remember other examples. Published

Author: Marina Komissarova

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Psychological personal space

If everything is more or less obvious with the boundaries of material space, then psychological personal space is a subtle and complex concept. You can call it the inner world, in which there are very personal emotions, memories, affections, love, friendship, personal human values. It would seem that this ethereal region is difficult to penetrate. But in reality it turns out that doing this is easier than ever. Incorrect questions “Do you want to have a child?”, “Are you sleeping with...” and other questions of a personal nature already mean that your personal space is being invaded. It is especially painful when close people encroach on your inner peace. An alert mother finds her daughter's diary and publicly discusses the entries. Your loved one is trying to control your thoughts, daily routine, and personal correspondence. A jealous wife rummages through your mobile phone or looks for “traces of crimes” on your computer. A domestic tyrant (husband, father, brother) criticizes your appearance and forbids you to wear a dress that is too sexy, in his opinion, or to wear makeup. Your best friend is asking for details about your intimate life. Constant control can make a person restless and unhappy! In such cases, a person withdraws and becomes secretive. And not always because he is guilty of something. It’s just hard to live when someone is constantly looking over your shoulder into your intimate world, unceremoniously prying into your soul.

Personal space is a necessity

Agree that there are some things that we do not want to share even with our closest people. For example, you keep a diary and you don’t want anyone else to read it. This is normal and your loved one should understand that there are things that you write for yourself, and you will be unpleasant if someone violates your personal space.

I believe that every person should have his own personal space, which is not encroached upon by his loved ones, accusing him of deception. By the way, problems of parents and teenagers very often arise precisely because of the lack of personal space. Parents continue to perceive the teenager as a small child and invade all areas of his life.

Material boundaries of personal space

Each person has a need for his own things, in his own space, where he feels “at ease” and in relative safety. The wider the boundaries of material personal space, the more protected we feel from the outside world. Let's notice how we feel, for example, in someone else's kitchen. Fatigue from tension sets in very quickly. But we can stay on our own for hours. Personal space begins with your own towel, which no one but you touches, a personal fountain pen, a desk, a personal computer, your own room where you can close the door and feel independent, to be alone with yourself. Where do the material boundaries of personal space end? Most likely, where the “common” territory is located, where you intersect with those who live nearby. A person who has everything in order with his personal space will rarely encroach on someone else’s personal territory. However, there are individuals who easily invade and sometimes subjugate the personal space of another, even if this is fraught with conflict.

Personal space of a person article on the topic

Personal space of a person

It is necessary to talk to children and adolescents about the importance of personal space. In Western schools, there is visual instruction designed for children 5-10 years old. It's called circles of relationships (Figure 1), and can help prevent sexual harassment, physical, and psychological abuse simply because the child will understand that something wrong is happening

1. Purple = me, my personal space. So, the purple first and most important circle is ourselves. Our body belongs only to us, and only we ourselves can decide who can be close to us and touch us. And no one should do this without permission. If someone from _any_ other environment causes us discomfort (it doesn’t matter if grandpa made us sit on our lap or mom’s friend demands to “kiss auntie on the cheek”) we should not hesitate to say so and say “no”, “stop”.

2. Blue = family. This is the circle of our family and those we love. Respect, trust and love - these are the signs by which we determine who belongs to this circle, who is closest to us. But we must remember that even with those we love, we should not neglect our personal space, but we ourselves should also respect the space of our loved ones.

3. Green circle = friends. This is a “far away hug” environment. The circle of our friends and those with whom we like to communicate. Friendship is very important and includes many things. For example, playing together, talking, having fun, and sometimes friendly hugs. Friendship is always based on trust and respect. And such manifestations as hugs should be based on mutual consent. It is important to understand that not all children in the class can behave like your friends. And parents should talk with their children by what criteria we define friends and, in turn, how we ourselves should behave with them.

4. Yellow circle = acquaintances. Circle of acquaintances (wave circle, that is, those to whom we wave when we meet, with whom we are superficially familiar and not too close). It could be children on a school bus, in the yard, on a sports team, it could be friends of their parents. Discuss social norms, different types of acquaintances, and safety rules with your child. The difference between loved ones and just acquaintances. A distance in a relationship that both they and we must respect.

5. Orange circle = people from whom we expect professional help. These people can help us when we need it, but they are not our friends. These are teachers, educators, police officers, firefighters, nurses and doctors. Discuss with your child in what situations who to seek help from. It must be emphasized that these people have identification marks, uniforms, identification, and that they help in case of danger.

6. Red circle = strangers. We don't know these people. (even if they say they know us, it doesn't matter.) Not all strangers are bad, but since we are strangers, we don't know whether the person in front of us is bad or good. We don't trust strangers. We don’t talk to them, don’t tell them anything about ourselves or loved ones. We don't answer questions. We never, ever go anywhere with them or get into the car. We don’t take candy, don’t go “look for the dog” and don’t help find the street, because adults should never ask for help from those who are younger and weaker than them.

That's it in a nutshell. They paint these circles with the children, talk through different situations, and let them guess what is the right thing to do in each case. And they say a hundred times - if you feel uncomfortable, you should say STOP, NO. If someone behaves incorrectly, in your opinion, you should tell other adults - parents, teachers. No one can touch you without your consent. (You also have no right to invade someone else’s personal space without permission). And if you are not understood the first time, you must repeat and repeat until you are heard, until you are understood and helped. You shouldn't look for a solution on your own, you shouldn't hide, you shouldn't be ashamed. Don't be afraid to speak up. Don't be afraid to ask.

Figure 1. Relationship circles

In the animal world

What is personal space and what does it mean? This concept came to us from the science of animal behavior - ethology. Every living creature needs its own corner, which will be jealously guarded from strangers. The animals consider the surrounding territory to be their own. But its size depends on many factors.

In nature, lions can have a “personal space” with a diameter of one hundred kilometers. It is clear that in a zoo this same animal will be forced to make do with ten meters away... These predators will not tolerate strangers on their territory. Dogs and cats, even domestic ones, mark the boundaries of their possessions. The pungent smell stops relatives from taking someone else's place. If someone decides to encroach on territory that does not belong to him, he must be prepared for a fight to the death.

Personal space is a way to hide deception

But there is another side to the coin. Sometimes, under the pretext of personal space, a person hides his deception or betrayal. For example, he doesn't allow you to take his cell phone or look at his email. All this immediately gives rise to doubts and suspicions of infidelity.

Although, it is quite possible that your loved one is not hiding anything from you. It's just unpleasant for them. They need their own “box in the desk.” After all, each of us is very different and some people very keenly feel the need for personal space, while others are ready to open up completely.

Zhenya and I had a similar situation - he flatly refused to give me his phone number. No, I did not suspect him of treason or deception. I just asked once to just look, but he refused and it hurt me. We talked about this and he explained to me that for him the phone is a personal space and he doesn’t like it when someone looks at it.

I can easily give him my phone number and don’t feel any discomfort. By the way, he knows all my passwords :). It’s just that each of us perceives our personal space differently.

What do you think - should a person have personal space? Or is this a great excuse to hide something from your loved one?

Violations of psychological territory

I will give examples of violation of psychological territories

This will help you understand what this leads to, and will show the importance of knowing your boundaries and defending them.

1. Parental control.

Both parents or one parent controls their child. Checks grades at school, a diary, looks at what he carries with him in his briefcase, looks at what the child has in his pockets, checks who called the child, with whom and what he corresponded with, monitors the completion of homework and all other duties, checks all personal belongings, control over money, controls who the child is friends with and what they do during the meeting, what and how to dress the child, etc. This can last a lifetime. For example, when a child is already 30 years old, and his parents choose a bride/groom or a place of work for him. Or they get into his things and start taking over there.

In this example, the child has no personal territory in which the parent is not present. Moreover, the child loses the right to dispose of his own things without parental approval.

This leads to the following consequences:

1) All these actions convey to the child the following message: “You cannot manage your own things, because you are not good enough (not independent/stupid/not experienced/small, etc.). The child develops a feeling of his own inferiority (inferiority complex).

2) The child ceases to take responsibility for his actions. And as a result, in life he turns into an obedient, fearful performer, unable to do anything on his own.

3) In order to constantly control the child, parents suppress him and his aggression. This is due to the fact that aggression is the defense of psychological territory. And for a successful “invasion”, parents need to suppress the aggression (defense) of their child. As a result, the child becomes a “whipping boy” in all groups, since he does not defend himself due to suppressed aggression. This aggression accumulates inside and can manifest itself in the form of psychosomatic diseases. Sometimes when the thicket is overcrowded, it can result in uncontrollable outbursts of aggression.

2. Total control.

For example, one spouse begins to completely control the other spouse. Where did you go? Who were you with? What did you do? Who called? What did you say? From whom is the SMS? Who are you writing to? Etc.

At the same time, the quality of relationships deteriorates greatly.

Total control or overprotection leads to:

- to the complete irresponsibility of the spouse;

- an abnormal change in the self-esteem of the controlled partner (either greatly underestimated or inadequately overestimated).

3. Dissolution in another person.

When, for example, one of the spouses begins to live the life of the second spouse. Completely dissolves in his interests and his life. This leads to the fact that the dissolving person ceases to be a separate person. And as a result, it ceases to be interesting for the partner. Becomes an attachment to your spouse. And this again leads to a deterioration in relations.

This also includes when a mother begins to live the life of her children, but “gives up” on herself.

What is personal space?

Personal space is a place, a territory in which you are the ruler, master and unanimous decision-maker. Personal space means that inside your soul, head or personality you are completely autonomous from other people. No one controls you in terms of thoughts, desires and decisions.

If we take the material world, then you have your own corner, where only your things are, where you can be alone, where you don’t let anyone in, and even if you do, no one has the right to set their own rules there. Personal space is the territory in your soul, thoughts or material world where you are the only ruler and master.

Personal space refers to the inner world of a person: his thoughts, desires, interests, character traits, etc. The state of personal space is how the person himself lives.

Many couples endure various periods of crisis in their personal lives just because their personal space is not harmonious. This space is understood as a person’s internal sense of self, his desires, principles, rules of life, interests, qualities of character. If a person takes care of his personal space, arranges it, ennobles it, makes it beautiful, then his outer life is filled with bright colors. But if for some reason this space is violated, abandoned or does not exist at all, then not only love relationships, but also other areas of a person’s life fail.

Personal space is your inner world. It includes absolutely everything: from desires and simple dreams to views, qualities and unique features. This is the same closed and incomprehensible world for other people as the soul. Only you and no one else can come into contact with this space. However, people do not always protect and arrange their world. They very often forget about it when busy with other people’s affairs, or destroy it when they strive to have the same opinion, the same views, desires, qualities, etc. with someone. When a person forgets about himself or tries to become someone other than himself, his personal space declines.

How to arrange your personal space? Many articles and books have been written about this, entitled with the beautiful word “improvement.” Everything related to growth and development relates to your personal space. You can also arrange it yourself. Imagine that this is a certain piece of land on which you can do whatever you want. Get down to business. You can grow beautiful gardens, trees, or you can set up an entertainment complex. Do whatever your heart desires. This is your inner world, which is visible only to you - and it will be the way you make it.

Your personal space directly affects your mood, well-being, sense of stability, etc. If you are not engaged in your inner world, you feel dissatisfied and unprotected. This is where all the sources come from when you show aggression, anger, cruelty, and discontent. Any disappointment is due to the fact that deep down you are simply dissatisfied with yourself. And all because you do not take care of your personal space, but neglect it or destroy it.

Personal space is your territory, where only you are the rightful owner. This is where your things are located if we are talking about an apartment. This is where your thoughts and experiences are located when it comes to the soul. This is where your creativity resides when it comes to the workplace. Every person needs their own personal space. And even people - relatives, friends and loved ones - to one degree or another are your personal space.

The habit of many people is the desire to violate the boundaries of the personal space of others. Thus, many men have to violate the boundaries of the women they are trying to conquer. Thus, friends often violate each other’s personal boundaries when they interfere with their advice. Often, parents violate their child’s personal space when they tell him what to do and what to feel. The boundaries of personal space are not visible. But a person feels as if other people are beginning to direct him, manipulate him, persuade him, force him - all these are the methods by which people invade someone else’s personal space.

Why don't people respect your personal space? Most often because it is accepted in society. People look at each other, evaluate, criticize, condemn - this is already penetration into someone else's life. If people think that someone is feeling bad, they begin to come forward with their advice and help, which is also sometimes unnecessary, especially if in response they are asked not to help. People often think that others cannot live without their advice and recommendations. So they interfere in other people’s lives, thinking that they are doing the right thing.

Often the reason why others interfere with your personal space is that you yourself do not protect your boundaries. There are very soft, trusting and weak people. They themselves allow other people to tell them what to do, convince them and influence their lives. A person just needs to be a little more aggressive, selfish and arrogant in the matter so that his personal space remains the territory in which he alone rules. And that's your right!

People will never respect the personal space of others. This is simply impossible, because in order to simply get to know someone or help someone, you already need to enter someone else’s territory. It depends only on you how much people will feel like masters in your life. If you yourself do not put them in the place of “guests,” then they will throw you off the throne and begin to command you.

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