The guy left me, terrible depression, hysterics, I want to stop all the torment

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In half a month it will be a year since my loved one left me. We dated for six months, met on the Internet on a dating site. Five years ago, after a divorce, he moved to his parents from another city. He said that his ex-wife, whom he loved very much, cheated on him, and he could not forgive her for this. I believed him then, but now I don’t know what or who to believe. In my opinion, we had an ideal relationship. We practically didn’t quarrel, we saw each other every day, we went out together somewhere in the city, or watched movies and comedy shows at home. He said that he wanted a child from me, he especially wanted a girl, because he had boys in his first marriage, he called me his woman, he told his cousin that he was going to get married. Last October he asked me to live together. But both his and my financial condition leaves much to be desired. At that time he lived with his parents, I lived in my relatives’ apartment. We would not be able to rent shared housing without compromising some of our other material needs. Therefore, I did not answer him with either consent or refusal, wanting to wait until something changed for the better. But shortly after that he left. The last time we met was on his birthday, I baked a cake, he came to me, we drank tea. He looked somehow depressed, said that the best in his life had already passed and that it would no longer be the way it was before. It was unpleasant for me to hear this, but I didn’t show it. It turns out that he extols the woman from his past, who betrayed him, on a pedestal and considers it the best thing that happened in his life, but he underestimates his present, in which I am,? Before leaving that day, he kissed me dryly. For the next five days he did not come, did not call or write. I also didn’t want to intrude and bother him. because I am convinced that if a man needs a woman, he will write, call, and come. But after five days I couldn’t stand it and still sent him an SMS asking what was going on between us. The answer was laconic: “I’m leaving in English, silently and without explanation.” Six months after our separation, I called him to find out what the reason for his leaving was, and if I did something wrong in the relationship, then what exactly, in order to prevent this mistake in the future. He said, “Don't worry, you're fine. You and I were just grinding and grinding, but nothing worked out. And two months ago I met a woman, fell in love and already married her.” Is this called “grinding in”?! When a person paints you pictures of a future together, says that he wants children from you and that he will carry you in his arms, calls you the woman he loves and says that he will never let you go? I can't believe it was all a lie and a sham. I felt this love not only in words, but also in actions. How he met me from trips to my parents, helped me do shopping and solve everyday problems, and even sometimes cooked me lunch. And if he still loved me, then what happened that this love disappeared? What did I do wrong? Or, when I did not respond to his proposal to live together, he regarded this as my distrust of him and my reluctance to continue the relationship? But is it really impossible to sit down and talk about everything and dot all the i’s, and not think of something for yourself and silently leave? Or maybe he was just looking for a profitable match for himself? Because the woman he married has an apartment and makes decent money. But he initially knew about my financial condition, why then took six months of my life? but in fact, as much as a year and a half, because now a year after he left, I cannot return to normal life. I started having health problems, I was laid off at work, and I started getting depressed. I went to another job but couldn’t fit into the team, so I left after a month. I went to my next job - four months later I was asked to leave. He has already arranged his life for a long time, and I cannot even return to the level that was before him. It became difficult for me to trust men. I can’t let anyone near me, I’m closed from everyone. And even when I go on dates, apparently men read the fact that another person lives in my heart, because it’s rare that a first date is followed by a second. I don't like anyone, I compare everyone to him. I'm looking for the same Lyosha, the same friend and dear one, but only someone who won't leave me. How can I get out of this relationship? How to forget him? I went to psychologists, read tons of articles, wrote and burned letters in which I poured out all my feelings for him, did meditations, practices to cut off attachments, read conspiracies, but still my thoughts return to him, I remember all the good things that happened between us and I regret that further did not come true. This was my first and only serious relationship and I have no one else to remember. Maybe someone has gone through something similar, write how you dealt with it? I don’t want to start a relationship to “unwind”; I can’t give my body to a person who doesn’t touch my soul.

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Violet, age: 33 / 10/16/2017

Responses:

Dear girl, how similar all this is to my story. It's been almost a year since we separated, and you still can't come to your senses! You met the martyr already at a fairly conscious age. At this age, they create families and give birth to children. In your young man you saw a husband, a father to your children. All this was fueled by the fact that the martyr called you that same woman and wanted a daughter from you. However, you couldn’t stand the material component, which is why you lost to another woman. And we still don’t know the true reason for his divorce. Honey, well, the picture of a decent person no longer emerges. Reliable husband and father!!! For a year you have been amusing yourself about something that did not come true, but time flies inexorably! And you still have children to give birth to! You know, it also took me exactly a year to mourn and get over it, and after a year it was like someone shook me up. I even have an explanation for this; for a year I worried about every day of our stay with him. And when the year is over, why not live everything in the second round?! Dear, Author, live out the year of your separation and move on! Go with your life, for the sake of the future, go and don’t look back. Everything is fine there, but it’s time for you to arrange your life. If faith is close to you, pray, the Lord will guide you. I was 31 years old when my illusion of family collapsed. The Lord has not left me. And you know what, everything happened for the better! Everything will be fine with you too. Patience and strength to you!

Anna, age: 33 / 10/16/2017

Violet, he was looking for a wealthy woman with a minimum of problems. Found and married before she figured it out. He's an unreliable person, and it's good that he left. It's about you. I would advise you to work in a hospice, in an orphanage. So that you can see someone else's grief. And give yourself a break from the thought that you should meet someone. I understand that age is running out. But this is not your duty, but to be happy. Myself. When you learn this yourself, without men, then they will appear.

Pella, age: 56 / 10/16/2017

Dear Violet, I understand you! My loved one simply disappeared after 3 years of relationship, and then it turned out that he cheated on me and eventually left for someone else. Although right up to the day of his “disappearance” he said that he loved him... All this happened so suddenly. He also always talked about children, about marriage, about the fact that we are together forever. There were a lot of promises and plans. 2.5 months have passed, he is already happy with his new “love”, and I am pulling myself out of a relationship that no longer exists. Because all my thoughts are about him, I analyze everything endlessly. Do you know what really helps me the most? Pray. Constantly, if necessary, with short prayers. I pray for him, and even for her (although I don’t do it very sincerely for her, but with my mind I understand that she may not be to blame at all). This helps to cope with negativity. I pray that God will help me let him go. Read the article “6 steps” carefully, after it it really will be easier. I've read it many times. And I also admire many people who write responses here. Very wise, strong women, there is a lot to learn from them. It seems to me that the first thing you need to do is get rid of despondency with the help of prayers, and then fill your life with self-development. We must learn to be happy with ourselves. And don’t expect happiness from a man, even if he is the best in the world (does this happen?) Play the sport you like, and direct your pain into physical exercise (it helps me). It’s good for your health and good for your appearance. Improve yourself both spiritually and physically, and in the process, block negative thoughts with prayers. You can do it! But you and I have no use for unreliable and irresponsible men. Your martyr is probably also a gigolo, since he took the easy path with a financially wealthier woman. Well, why do you need this?? It would have manifested itself anyway, and it’s good that it happened earlier. And one can only sympathize with their new “victims”. Because you can’t pretend to be good all the time, sooner or later everything will come out there. But it is not important. It is important to make the most of this situation.

Tatiana, age: 27 / 10/16/2017

Violet, you seem to be a healthy girl, but you just can’t get out of the fog into the bright light. You shrouded yourself in fog, you saw in the man what you so wanted to see. Judging by the description, the man selfishly and trivially discharged himself from you after a difficult relationship. Why not - you are a lady, pleasant in every way. Understanding, serious, amorous. But with some problems that did not allow him to immediately reach the required level. And in the near future, no changes were foreseen in solving these problems in alliance with you. Be grateful that he (relatively quickly) found the right and convenient option. He did not waste time, but, without hesitation, so as not to miss the right option, he took the bull by the horns and deftly positioned himself. He could fool you for more than one year, looking for a convenient match for himself. Finally, remove the veil from your eyes - it prevents you from seeing reality. I don’t think that you, Violet, have dreamed all your life of joining your destiny with an unreliable and irresponsible man who used your kind attitude as an alternate airfield for respite - between the past and a comfortable future. Force yourself to forget him, pull yourself together. It's hard, but doable. Turn off the old and trampled road. Enter the new one with a pure heart. We women are strong. We can handle any cleaning. Put things in order in your soul so that it is ready to accept true love, without fog.

Julia, age: 55 / 10/16/2017

You know, sometimes it happens that love doesn't come. What this man had for you was love. But, unfortunately or fortunately, it did not develop into a deep feeling, into love. I wouldn’t blame this man, perhaps it’s really a matter of the material component, but you can’t know that for sure. People break up, it happens. Take care of your career, this is important, a woman should be able to provide for herself, regardless of the presence of a man in her life. Success at work can have a positive impact on your self-esteem and help you take your mind off things. You can get additional education, complete some courses, or study at home yourself. I think this is the first thing you need to think about now.

Lena, age: 30 / 10/16/2017

Anna, yes, you are right, so I remember almost every day from the time when we were together: how he congratulated me on my birthday, how he greeted me from vacation, how we spent the city day last year and many more such moments , where a year ago we were together, and now I’m alone. God grant that when a year has passed (and this is already soon) I will feel better and be able to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. Thank you for your response!

Violet, age: 33 / 10/18/2017

Pella, yes, I also often come across this advice - learn to be happy without a man. But what if happiness for me means a loved one nearby, a harmonious family, happy and healthy children. But I don’t have all this, I’m lonely, and I can’t even have a kitten, because I don’t live in my own apartment.

Violet, age: 33 / 10/18/2017

Tatiana, thank you. Yes, you know, I also thought that he left me because I was not a source of happiness for him that would constantly recharge him. I may not have been giving off the most optimistic vibes lately. I wanted to change something for the better in my career, I went for interviews to the capital, but none of them resulted in a job offer. He also tried to find something for himself in Kyiv (at least that’s what he told me) through former business partners he had in Poltava. But, according to him, the former partners, now that he was no longer a businessman, but himself a hired worker, didn’t really want to talk to him. Plus, in addition to all this, my alcoholic uncle lived in the next room, who took the same friends and girlfriends almost every day, and this also did not give me reasons for joy. It turns out that I was such a Violet with a lot of problems. And the woman he married... I looked at her profile on social networks. And you know, really, her eyes sparkle with happiness, even before the moment they meet. And this despite the fact that her child has serious health problems. So he flew to her happiness, like a bee to honey. But when getting married, they take an oath “... in sorrow and in joy...” Life cannot be an eternal holiday. Hypothetically, many people will experience the loss of loved ones, possible health problems, or loss of work/property along the path of life. And at such moments it is difficult for a person to radiate happiness. You can't wear a mask all the time. And then what? Abandon this person in difficult times instead of helping him overcome these difficulties?

Violet, age: 33 / 10/18/2017

Julia, thank you for your response. Yes, with my logical part I understand that maybe nothing good would have come out of our relationship, and if he had left me five years later, when we could have already had a child, it would have been much worse. I understand this in my head. But I can’t turn off my feelings and emotions. At times I tell myself that everything is for the better, I am beautiful, young and I will meet a more worthy person with whom everything will be fine. But I can’t completely get rid of thoughts and feelings about him. It’s as if I’m just pushing them deeper, plastering them over with a mask of the imaginary “I’m fine.” But as soon as this “plaster” crumbles, all feelings and emotions rise out again.

Violet, age: 33 / 10/18/2017

Lena, indeed, there are people who, if one area of their life is not going well, they make a breakthrough in another. But apparently this story is not about me. When I suffered a fiasco in my personal life, I began to have problems with my work and with my health. Over the course of a year, I changed four jobs, and not in a smooth transition from one to another, but with certain periods of forced unemployment. I also thought about training. I would be interested in learning photography or sugaring. But for this, again, you need to get on your feet a little and save some money for training, because... They won’t teach either one or the other for free. And photography also requires investment in technology.

Violet, age: 33 / 10/18/2017

Dear, dear violet, your relationship is half a year old, and you have been suffering for a year already. And who has lived 18-20 years, what should you do? Lie down and die. Shake yourself up and move on with your life.

Olga, age: 38 / 10/18/2017

Violet, you are a very sensible and smart girl. This means you can come to an agreement with yourself. You yourself must find arguments in favor of the fact that IT’S TIME to forget the man for whom you turned out to be a temporary traveling companion. We, girls and women of all ages, tend to invent our relationships and see what is not there and refuse to notice what is. As in the old joke - “He said hello to her, and she already bore him three children.” Surely, in addition to the facts you often recall, the incredible whirlwind of fabulous shots of daily meetings and honeyed words pleasant to the girl’s ear, there were some bells that were not noticed by you. You can understand, you are intoxicated with emotions and desired words and have lost the ability to look and hear soberly. And the person, it turns out, knows how not only to speak, but also to act soberly and sharply, not caring about the pain it causes you. Quietly he tore himself apart and left without explanation. Perhaps you shouldn’t judge him too harshly - he is an experienced man, he builds his life according to his plan, so that there are fewer risks and mistakes in the future. Everyone knows that relationships that have fewer social and financial problems are more promising. Love-carrots in adulthood should already rely on some kind of reliable base (although no one guarantees anything with a reliable material base). But... without her at the age of “well over 30” it’s even more foggy... Well, he decided to jump into a comfortable marriage - it’s his decision and he has to test its strength. After all, to start life from scratch in adulthood, you need mutual strong feelings, faith in them and long-term common goals. Your man, unfortunately, did not have this. But it’s time for you to sober up. Enough time has passed. You've only been in a relationship for six months, but you still can't leave it in the past, locking away the memories of it. You lost another year for some unknown reason. And if you lived with him for half your life, grew into him, had children, grandchildren, accumulated material values from him - how many decades would you have to lick your wounds after such a separation? But this is not uncommon. And women find the strength to continue living qualitatively. So, dear Violet. It's time to learn to control yourself, manage your emotions, tell yourself the inner “NO!” past. No one will do this for you. Take the hit. You'll have to work on yourself. This is up to you.

Julia, age: 55 / 10/18/2017

Violet, dear, it hurts to read how you torture yourself. Don’t pay attention to that woman, don’t go to her page, don’t look for information. You are adding to your pain. Believe me, dear, almost all the women on this site, just like you, imagine happiness in a harmonious family, children, male support, etc. You were very correctly told that this happiness would not have happened with that person; be glad that he disappeared from your life. You are young, you feel deeply, it will hurt, you will burn out. You just help yourself, you take small steps... no need for grandiose plans, and praise yourself more often, low self-esteem is very noticeable in you, start learning to love yourself like this, alone, without everyone, but for yourself, and then we’ll see , be sure..believe, Violet, tell yourself good things every day, throw out the bad, cry... don’t keep it to yourself... and remove all the thoughts that hurt you, just by force, switch your head like a radio to another frequency... at first, just by effort, and then you will notice that it will go easier. Don't give a damn about other people's lives, we need our own, right? Don’t think that I’m so strong, I’m just like you, I still won’t believe in myself, so every word you say resonates with me with pain, but the girls tell us that we SHOULD... so we’ll believe them....

Julia, age: 36 / 10/18/2017

Violet, hello again. As I see it, your ex-man is in deep crisis himself. He is desperately looking for love in another person, hence this beautiful behavior and words to you. You fell for it, but he actually tried, painted a picture of happiness with you, but at the same time he himself did not survive his divorce properly. Falling in love on unprepared soil fades away, and that’s it. He may be trying to fill his inner emptiness that has arisen due to unresolved internal problems and avoiding them. He decided on material issues with the help of his new wife. As long as she feeds him and radiates positivity, he will feel good. But in the end, no woman will make him happy until he himself reaches this state within himself, and seeks recharge and incentive in another person. He left you “in English” because he realized that your battery was not enough for him. But every woman has moments of weakness. And internal uncertainty, and much more. And here we need support, and that’s normal. Imagine if they stayed together and started a family. After all, there would be a lot of situations in which you would not have enough energy for him, you yourself would need support and care, not to mention general problems. And he would leave when you were vulnerable. Well, he turned out to be so weak. Incapable of real relationships. So don't be sorry. You would not solve his problems - until a person understands that he needs to work on himself, it is useless. But decide for yourself. You can decorate your inner world. Don't suppress your feelings, don't bury them deep into your soul. If you suppress them, they will still appear. Live through this pain. I read that there are several stages in experiencing a breakup, and if you don’t go through each of them correctly, you can get stuck. Look for articles on this topic. Do you read articles by psychologists here? Don’t be afraid of anything, don’t be afraid of pain, answer your questions honestly, understand yourself. Don’t go on dates yet, if you don’t want to, you’re not ready yet. I also can’t think about anyone, and I don’t need to, why go against myself? In this regard, the public puts pressure on us that it’s TIME to get married as soon as possible, but without integrity, maturity, harmony of two people it is difficult to build a healthy marriage. Getting married in order to have time to give birth earlier can also ultimately result in failure. So you need to calm down, search for yourself, self-development, and then in the future you won’t start a failed relationship, because you will understand people better and know what you want. And you will be guided not only by feelings, but also by reason when choosing your future husband. But that comes later. Now we have gained valuable experience. The main thing is to learn the right lesson. For me, this was also my first relationship, and in general my first man. I was waiting for the only thing called. I had no experience at all, I didn’t know how to do it correctly, but now I’m starting to understand a lot. Each person is a separate galaxy, and views and perceptions may not coincide. We wait for one thing, make plans, and for tomorrow everything turns upside down, because in his galaxy everything is different, and it is focused only on itself. And all this is for the better, believe me. Man proposes, but the Lord disposes. Take this crisis as a gift from above, because by working on yourself you will come to your happiness. I'm sure.

Tatiana, age: 27 / 10/18/2017

What a whim, feeling sorry for yourself, isn’t it, Violet? Isn’t it good to live in an apartment that is not your own, focusing your life on unsuccessful love for a year now? Is it true? How sorry I am for how unhappy, unsuccessful, etc. I am. etc.,.. Get up, come to your senses.... People sometimes have no arms, no legs, live, raise children, pay off debts, pay off loans, help orphans, and you???? You feel sorry for yourself, it’s funny, a healthy, smart woman, but she dies from failed love. Go do something good for abandoned children or animals. Everything is learned by comparison, go and compare your life with something or someone, and you will understand what a fool you are...

Morik, age: 35 / 10/19/2017

I got dumped What should I do?

Lena:

We dated for about 8 months, then we started living together, lived for more than a year and a half. We were going to get married, he said that I was the woman of his dreams, he wants children from me and only sees me as his life partner, he swore his love to the grave. I his first girlfriend in terms of love, relationships, intimacy, and cohabitation. We broke up more than once, on my initiative, but he always brought me back. In August of this year we decided to break up, he became less attentive, gentle, constantly slept, or played on the computer, didn’t want to go anywhere with me. Every day he wrote, called, said that he couldn’t live without me, that everything would be different, in the end, a week later he invited me to a restaurant, gave me a bouquet of roses and we got back together .But nothing changed. I constantly cried from his indifference and two months later he offered to break up, I agreed. We met a few days later, he said that he wanted this relationship, that he was ready to fight for it, that he loved me, but he needed time to figure it all out. To be honest, my mind didn’t believe a single word, I perfectly understood that he had stopped loving me and no longer wanted this relationship, but my heart believed. And, as you know, feelings always prevail over reason. In a couple of days we We met and he said that he had cooled down and wanted to be alone. I cried for hours, didn’t eat anything, lost 6 kg in two weeks, hid from the pain in clubs, cafes, bars. I missed him terribly. I called him and offered to meet, I wanted just to see, to communicate, but... I lost my temper, began to say that I couldn’t live without him, cried, but he was cold and said that we shouldn’t see each other, it’s very difficult and so we will never forget these feelings. It seemed to me that I I can’t do this and I definitely need to see him, but after that I realized that it was really much more painful, I just had hope that everything would be true. I still reproach myself for humiliating myself like that, I couldn’t restrain myself. Now I let go, of course I let go only physically, in my soul I don’t know when I’ll be able to let go completely. But it’s easier for me, the main thing is not to focus on myself and my problem, get distracted, laugh, work, study, find a new hobby, hobby, write poetry. There’s a lot of things you can do besides guys, now you have much more free time, look at this gap from a different angle, open your eyes and understand that life does not end, thank God for this invaluable experience and be sure to work on mistakes, work on yourself. The one who blames to everyone else, such a person will never be happy and is doomed to eternal losses. You need to understand that we are all not perfect, look back and analyze relationships and yourself in these relationships, see your mistakes, understand what brought you or your loved one pain and improve , and in other relationships (WHICH WILL DEFINITELY WILL BE, EVEN IF NOW IT SEEMS TO YOU THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE AND THIS IS THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE LOVED AND WILL LOVE.) do not make the same mistakes and try to solve problems, and not put them off in a long box. Relationships - this is constant work and work on oneself, and if you let them take their course, they will fall apart. In general, girls, I’ll tell you this: IF A MAN WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, HE WILL GET YOU FROM UNDER THE GROUND, BUT NO, HE FUCKING DOESN’T NEED YOUR INITIATIVE! Respect yourself and never humiliate yourself in front of men, believe me, they won’t appreciate it. They love confident, proud women. And even if you broke up on his initiative, he will always respect you if you show that you respect yourself and can calmly live without him. Cry, fight in hysterics, throw things around the house, hit the walls with your fist, but don’t touch the person, leave him alone. The more you humiliate yourself, the more he will despise you. A man is a hunter by nature and if you he needs him, he will do everything to keep you close. And the more you try to run after him, the faster he runs away from you and one day you will become so unpleasant to him that he will avoid you at all costs. Forcibly You won’t be nice and even if he returns, he will do it only out of pity and sooner or later he will leave again. Do you need this, to live in constant fear that your loved one is about to leave you again?! Love is a mutual feeling and if one doesn’t love or has fallen out of love, nothing will come of it. A broken vase can be glued back together, but it will be rubbish, which will either get boring or fall apart again. You need to be able to let people go. Remember that the darkest darkness in our lives happens before the brightest dawn. Life is an endless wave of change.