When we were growing up, no one told us that marriage required serious work. Most likely, we were told something like: find someone with whom you are compatible; have fun together; fall in love; get married; live long and happily.
As we got older, we realized that the path to a happy marriage is not always easy. It takes time, attention, and sometimes... a lot of work. But this does not mean at all that you cannot have a healthy relationship. The most important thing is that both partners are committed to each other and want to make the marriage the best it can be.
Many of us grew up with parents whose example of living together cannot be indicative. Some constantly swore, some did not talk to each other for several days, some did not pay attention to anyone except themselves... The good news is that you can learn how to build happy relationships in marriage.
The most important components of a happy marriage
Confidence . Unfortunately, trust is sometimes difficult to achieve. People usually act in one of two ways: “I don’t trust you until you prove that you are trustworthy,” or “I will trust you until you prove that you are not trustworthy.” Either way, trust is critical to a happy marriage.
Respect. Both spouses should treat each other with respect and kindness. Never call another person in a neuter or derogatory manner, or engage in mental, emotional or physical abuse.
Friendship . Many romantic relationships begin with something other than friendship. However, the best marriage partners are those who claim to be best friends. In such relationships, each partner knows that his rear is covered and can speak absolutely frankly with his spouse.
Communication. To have a healthy relationship, partners need to spend quality time together. This doesn't mean you have to be around 24/7. This means that you should regularly have time for each other.
Compatibility. Compatibility occurs at different levels. From personality differences (introvert/extrovert) to hobbies, likes/dislikes, religion, politics, etc. It is important that the partners’ values are as compatible as possible.
Love. There are many different types of love - from love for a pet or your loved ones, to romance that makes you lose your head. Infatuation disappears, love remains and simply changes its content.
Kindness. Besides the obvious (speak and act kindly), it is important to express your kindness to each other by doing “little nice things.” Simple acts of kindness go a long way. Rubbing her shoulders or bringing him coffee are little things that show that you love the other person. So don't underestimate the power of small gestures of kindness.
Sexual intimacy . Everyone has a different level of sexual desire, so it's important to find a partner who matches yours. Some people don't need a lot of sex, while others don't. Don't lose sight of the fact that if you have different needs for sexual intimacy, this can cause problems in your marriage.
Emotional intimacy . This point is as important as the previous one. Even if a couple has sex every day, that doesn't always mean there's a lot of emotional intimacy between them. Without emotional connection, relationships become distant and cold. So don't forget to nurture your feelings and love each other.
Communication. If you have problems (which most couples have), you can't solve them without talking to each other. This is not about shouting and conflicts. This is about rational discussion of the problem. To do this, you need to constantly maintain communication.
You are ignoring your intuition
People often don't pay attention to their inner voice. Although intuition often unmistakably indicates that our relationship is not working. After all, the inner voice sounds quiet, and it seems to us that these are just our fantasies or fears, not supported by any real facts. However, if such thoughts begin to occur to you, then do not ignore them, but try to ask yourself more specific questions and answer them honestly. So, ask yourself if you feel safe in the relationship, if you receive the respect you deserve from your spouse, if you have the opportunity to express yourself, if you feel happy, etc.
How to improve communication in a relationship and increase intimacy
Your spouse is your priority. Your spouse cannot be happily married to you if he thinks he is somewhere on the second half of your list of priorities. If you put your kids, your job, your friends, or anything else before your spouse, he will feel it. You must make each other your first priority, after yourself.
Time together. Life can be very busy in today's world, but it is important that you always find time to be alone together. Not with family or friends on a picnic, but just the two of us. Have regular dates and try to do it consistently.
Conversation and togetherness. Time spent together should be quality. Sure, you can sit in your living room alone with each other, but if, at the same time, you are both talking on the phone or watching TV, you are not really included in your partner. Talk, discuss, joke, remember... Communicate.
Shared values. We've already talked about values, but it's worth repeating. You don't need to be exactly identical, but you do need to view the world through lenses that are compatible with each other.
Joint plans for the future. Do you want to have children? If yes, how much? How do you plan to live after retirement? What do you want to do in retirement? Where do you want to live? Do you want to travel? All of these questions are important to ensure you have a shared vision of what your future together will look like.
Unhappy marriage or divorce
At the first trial, when 2 months had passed, Polina held on as best she could so as not to cry, so that he would not see her weakness. And Dmitry suffered from the fact that his Polina was leaving, she might not return again, she nevertheless decided and would not tolerate him anymore, would not smile at him in the morning, prepare delicious lunches and dinners, have a good time and forgive his breakdowns. No longer.
When the question was asked at the trial whether they wanted to get a divorce, did they change their minds? Polina stood up and, with a lump in her throat, said that no, she had not changed her mind. “Well, you have a child. Think about it,” said the judge. "I thought a lot. But I don’t love him,” answered Polina. For Dima it was a blow; he did not expect such a turn, just like the judge: “Even so?”
Polina did not name the real reason why she left Dima; she was ashamed. Then the judge turned to him and asked the same question, did he agree to get a divorce? Dmitry said that he really regrets everything, but he doesn’t want to get a divorce, that they have a child and he is ready to do anything to save the family.
- But she doesn't love you, you heard
- “I don’t believe in this and I ask for more time to think,” Dima answered
- In this case, you have another month
They silently left the courtroom. On the porch, he approached her and wanted to say something, she stopped him by raising her palm. She said that she would leave sooner or later anyway.
Every day he called, asked, begged. Polina set the condition that if he wanted to communicate with her normally, he should not return her, try to court her, give flowers, gifts and talk about divorce. This allowed Polina to see Oleg less and maintain a tolerant relationship between them, if only for the sake of her son. There wasn't much time left until the next trial.
Polina and Oleg communicated like good friends, without a hint of family. It became easier for Polina to cope with the divorce. And on the eve of the trial, Dima arrived in the evening, called and asked to go to his car. Polina came out, and then he started talking about how he repents, what a fool he is, that he promises to improve and understands how he offended her and hates himself for it. She looked at him and said that it was all over and he was incorrigible. Polina cried, he asked for forgiveness, but she couldn’t, everything was too serious.
On the morning of the trial, Dmitry got out of the car with a large bouquet of red roses and brought them to Polina. Seeing this, she stood in a stupor for a second, then said with a trembling voice: “Well, why?!” I asked!”, turned around and quickly walked to the court. “Polina, wait!” - Dmitry shouted, “Sorry! If you don't want to, don't take these flowers. I just love you". The eyes filled with tears, both Polina and Dmitry.
What to do if there is no happiness in marriage
Talk about your problems. You can't change or fix what you don't know. Talk to each other about your problems - don't avoid conflicts. During the conversation, be rational and empathize with your spouse. Try to see the situation from his/her point of view, not just yours. Compassion and empathy in marriage are of utmost importance.
Make a commitment. Some “give up” in an unhappy marriage and continue to live by inertia until it becomes completely unbearable. If you are not one of those people, and your partner also wants to improve the relationship, talk and each commit to making the necessary changes to restore your couple.
Seek professional help. Many people cannot cope with the burden of problems on their own - they simply do not have the necessary skills for this. You can always turn to professionals. And this does not mean at all that you will be failures. This means that saving your marriage is really important to you and you have the strength to do it.
Marriage doesn't have to be difficult - it's the people who make it so. Don't be like that!
I don't feel happy in my marriage. Maybe I painted myself into this corner?
Question for a psychologist:
Good afternoon Please help me understand the current situation. I am 35 years old, my husband is 34. This is the second marriage for both of us. I have an 11-year-old son from my first marriage who lives with us. My husband also has a 9-year-old son, who lives with his mother. We have a 3-year-old child together. We have been together for 7 years, married for 5. Our relationship has developed rapidly. We quickly began to live together, and my husband was in a hurry. I wanted the candy-bouquet period to last longer, but I didn’t resist. I must say that he was the opposite of my first husband. Decisive, ready to protect me (at that time there was no one to protect me from), helped with the housework, picked me up from work, and much more, which surprised and pleased me. However, the relationship with my son was strained. But I hoped this would go away with time. I was quickly introduced to my mother, and she gave her approval. And everything would have been fine, but at that moment the husband’s not very good side showed up. He didn't mind drinking. I could drink for several days while I had a day off. On such days he could be aggressive, say offensive things, insult. He didn’t hit me, but he could have thrown something in my direction. I don’t like conflicts, I’ve always tried to avoid them. But with him I began to fight back, I could slap him in the face, push him away. This is exactly the reaction that was expected from me. As soon as I started crying or actively fighting back, he calmed down and even became cheerful. I don’t know why I didn’t break up with him then. I didn’t have the courage or didn’t want my ex to start gloating (after all, I was the initiator of the breakup). I felt like I was in a cage. I couldn’t even take a step with my husband’s knowledge. If I came home a little later than usual, they questioned me about where I had been. The jealousy was kind of sick, even towards the child. But at that time, for me it still had more advantages. We took out a mortgage and bought an apartment. I earned very well, so we didn’t have any serious problems with money. After some time, he proposed to me, I agreed. Of course, the problem with alcohol has not gone away, and the relationship with the child has not become much better. He brought his son to us often, but did not take much care of him. More likely, just for show, he runs around nearby and that’s okay. Throughout our relationship, I often thought about breaking up, but didn’t dare. And I still have feelings for him. He can be good, caring and loving. There is some feeling of kinship with him. And so we decided to have a child. The pregnancy was without problems, but the husband often began to get drunk until he was just a piece of meat. After the birth of the child, he had a long period of joy. But he went to work all the time. He always drinks at home, maybe alone if there are no guests. As a result, my milk disappeared and mastitis appeared. Gradually everything fell into place. I am at home with the children, my husband works (at that time he found a second job, because we would not have enough money). My maternity leave lasted three years. The child has health problems, and he only entered kindergarten when he was 2.5 years old. My husband worked a very busy schedule. We saw each other only at night and on his very rare days off. I tried not to bother him with everyday issues. She decided everything herself. I only asked for help in extreme cases. Our grandparents are far away, so we didn’t spend time together. The first 1.5 years of maternity leave passed more or less smoothly. My emotional state was tolerable, although I was tired. But at times I felt my husband’s support and this gave me strength. All the time I tried to make sure there was always food at home, everything was cleaned, and time was given to my husband along with the children. Then I began to find correspondence with other women. Yes, I am one of those who trust, but check. Alcohol began to appear in our family again. An online game has appeared. I spent the second part of the maternity leave according to the principle “bring it, give it, take it away and don’t interfere.” Stopped helping at all. And suddenly something broke in me... The joy left my life, everything became gray and dreary. I literally forced myself to do household chores, walk with the child, and help with homework. I just wanted to lie there and not have anyone touch me. I even washed my hair only when it was no longer possible to walk like that. My husband was not interested in my condition, he was not interested in our problems at all. He stopped my attempts to share problems. He said he didn't want to listen to it. And I stopped sharing anything with him. All his positive qualities disappeared in my eyes. All the bad things came to the fore. Now I’m already working, my husband left his second job. We still don’t have enough money, since my income has dropped significantly, and our expenses have increased. But this, as my husband says, is already my problem. He worked for three years, now it’s my turn. In everyday life, he also provides either little or no help at all. He works every other day, I’m on a five-day shift. And he's always in the game. He has no more interests. I'm tired emotionally and physically. Tired of playing the role of victim, sufferer and servant. I’m offended that they don’t understand me, don’t sympathize with me, don’t console me and don’t feel sorry for me. Tired of my husband's selfishness. You only need me healthy and in a good mood, otherwise you can ignore me. I’m tired of solving all the problems myself, including his problems. What am I needed for? To serve? Why then do I need it, if I can do everything myself? I don't consider myself ideal by any means. I am a person with both good qualities and bad. And I understand a lot, but I don’t know what to do (or not do)? To go with the flow? Or maybe everything is fine with me and I’m creating problems for myself? Many people reassure me that things can get worse. Yes, but it can be better... And I really don’t want to live like my parents. I don’t want the children to be disgusted and ashamed of their father. But he doesn’t see any problems, everything is fine with him. And I don't feel happy. We are together, but each on his own...
Author of the question: Tatyana Age: 35
