There are two children in our family, the age difference between them is small, but the difference in care and education is colossal. Almost like in the famous joke: the first child - everything was washed and sterilized, the second child - sometimes washed and made sure that he did not eat from the cat's bowl, the third child - if the child ate the cat's food - this is the cat's problem. Perhaps it is for this reason that we are afraid to have a third...
But let's not get too far ahead and go back to the time of my first pregnancy. At that time, I knew little about raising children and caring for infants. I don’t have brothers and sisters, so I didn’t have the chance to babysit my little nephews, and to be honest, I didn’t really want to. I never experienced tenderness or great delight at the sight of babies, I didn’t even hold babies in my arms - I was afraid.
Is a book the best helper?
The realization that I would soon have the same baby came with the growth of my belly. And with the comprehension of this fact, fear crept into my head, which only intensified every week, threatening to develop into panic. I was literally overwhelmed by thoughts that I would simply kill my child in the first year of his life.
In order not to go completely crazy, I began to avidly read articles and books on child care: about how best to give birth, what and when to feed, how to swaddle, how much to sleep, how much to walk and when, excuse me, to poop. Very soon my brain turned into a mess of varied and often contradictory information. But the fear went away, apparently, it simply didn’t have enough space in my sore and tired head.
Having calmed down a little, I swapped quantity for quality and chose for myself William and Martha Sears: “Your Baby from Birth to Two Years.” Famous American pediatricians and parents of eight children won over with their knowledge in pediatrics and life experience. The book is written in accessible language and is easy to understand. And the American manner of repeating the same thought from paragraph to paragraph and from page to page only inspired me even more - this way I absorbed the information better and finally sorted everything in my head. In general, by the time the baby was born, I was fully armed. In addition, grandmothers and aunts loomed behind me, ready to back up and give practical advice at any moment.
How to understand that a woman will become a bad mother: psychologists have named 7 main signs
We are accustomed to the image of a woman as a homemaker and an ideal mother being imposed on us, but it would be naive to believe that modern girls strive to live up to it.
The fact is that life has changed dramatically: nightclubs have appeared, an abundance of bars and discos, the opportunity to travel and “search for yourself” as much as your heart desires.
Therefore, if you are looking not only for a partner for life and entertainment together, but also for starting a family, then you should think about what kind of mother she will become.
Psychologists have listed 7 key signs that indicate that a girl will not make a good mother.
Here they are:
1. Immoral lifestyle.
You can accept a woman with all her shortcomings and past, but you should understand that in the 21st century you cannot hide from the sins of youth so easily.
If your girlfriend was not very burdened with moral principles, then what kind of education can she give to the child?
2. Alcohol.
Drinking alcohol does not look good on anyone, but a woman and a potential mother clearly shouldn’t drink. Alcohol, even in small quantities, has a destructive effect on the human body.
In addition, while intoxicated, a person can do a lot of stupid things.
3. Doesn't like children.
It is naive to believe that a girl who openly declares that she does not particularly like children will become an ideal mother: you should either agree with her choice of childfree, or look for another partner.
4. Not adapted to life.
In movies and books, such an image may seem sweet and attractive, but in life everything is different: if you do not have money to provide such a woman with ideal living conditions (au pair, nanny), then she simply cannot cope with the role of a mother.
5. Poor relationship with your mother.
This suggests that the girl saw a bad model of upbringing and will inevitably begin to reproduce it in her family. They need the help of a professional psychologist to develop a new concept of education.
6. She doesn't have a mother.
This does not mean that such women should be avoided, but the fact remains: how can someone who never knew what it was become a good mother?
Such girls will have to catch up - read specialized literature, attend special courses and trainings. After this it will be ready.
7. Selfish.
If a woman does not love anyone but herself, then a small child requiring attention, care and a lot of money will only become very annoying.
Photo: Pixabay
Kid against the rules
But, as it turned out on the very first night after giving birth, my son turned out to be more confident and stronger than me, and in this battle for calm and orderliness I lost miserably. The child did not want to do anything according to the schedule, but I persistently demanded this from him. As a result: during the day I jumped on the fitball with my son in my arms for an hour and a half, wanting him to finally fall asleep and sleep for at least two hours. The son actually fell asleep, but not from the desire to sleep, but from the endless shaking, and dozed for a maximum of fifteen to twenty minutes, after which he began to scream heart-rendingly. And I sat on the ball again and swung it for another two hours. As a result, my day was spent bouncing on a fitball, and my son’s day was spent in perpetual swinging. Soon he got so used to this rocking that he slept at night only when he was rocked, otherwise he immediately opened his eyes.
If the baby forgot to sleep for a while, he slept restlessly and tossed around violently in the crib. He often lay across the bed, diagonally, or slept with his head to the side where his legs should be. And I, reaching the point of absurdity, shifted it to a position that was comfortable, in my opinion.
Feeding was also not easy. I didn’t have breast milk, and my son grew up on formula. And again, according to pediatricians, the child should eat the prescribed 30, then 60, 90, 120 grams of the mixture at a time, then turn on his side and fall asleep sweetly; at night the child should not eat at all. No matter how it is. My baby ate a maximum of 20 grams of the mixture at a time, and after 20-30 minutes he demanded the next 20 grams. As a result, we were in a permanent state of feeding for the first three months of his life. This activity was especially fascinating at night; not only did he have to rock his son all night, he also had to feed him half the night. Not giving the formula until the morning was ungrateful and fruitless; the baby’s cry demanding food tore both my head and eardrums, so I gave up here too.
And don’t forget about the endless advice of relatives, according to whom you bathe incorrectly, swaddle incorrectly, or hold your own son in your arms incorrectly. It’s not hard to imagine who I was like just a month after the birth of my son, having gone through all this hell of rocking, feeding and advice. Although there was still one plus in all this torment - I lost weight very quickly after giving birth.
How NOT to become a bad mother?
Of course, there is no doubt that you are, in fact, a wonderful mother. But, firstly, some actions of parents force their grown-up children to give less than favorable reviews about them. Secondly, many mothers, finding themselves in a pedagogical impasse, behave destructively and then feel guilty.
Of course, there is no doubt that you are, in fact, a wonderful mother. But, firstly, some actions of parents force their grown-up children to give less than favorable reviews about them. Secondly, many mothers, finding themselves in a pedagogical impasse, behave destructively and then feel guilty.
Therefore, it makes sense to talk about how you should not behave with a child under any circumstances, so as not to be branded a bad mother.
Read also: Parents and children: 5 relationship problems that can be avoided
Scream
Try comparing phrases such as: “Why did you scatter the toys again?!” and “Please put away the toys.” In what case would you start collecting these same toys? Loud remarks only frighten the baby or cause a feeling of protest in him. They do not serve any useful function except for the emotional release of the mother. But for the latter, there is yoga or a cup of tea with some sweets.
Constantly being attacked by decibels, the child gets used to the background noise, and at some point you will only be able to shout to him using a megaphone.
To overcome the habit of raising your voice, imagine that while you scream, your face turns into a black and white mask with a gaping mouth from the horror movie of the same name. Perhaps such a mental picture will help you pull yourself together.
Read also: Should I give bread to my baby: 4 facts that every mother should know
Physical punishment
By using force, you are showing your child that:
a) you can beat little ones;
b) big girls fight so much that they don’t mind fighting back;
c) the last argument in the dispute is force.
In other words, if you want to raise a person who will beat the weak and those whom he considers wrong, then you can continue in the same spirit. Otherwise, you will have to use more advanced methods of education: explanations, persuasion, searching for a compromise, etc.
"Good" mother
And when my son was four and a half months old, my husband and I went to live in another city for almost a year and were left alone with our little child. It was February on the calendar, and since the city was located in the south, it didn’t really feel like winter. The child still loved to walk in a stroller, and lo and behold, during the day he could sleep in his clothes on the balcony for four hours. I couldn't believe my luck and finally got some sleep. At night, however, we all also rocked on the fitball, but not for an hour and a half, but for no more than seven minutes.
The progress was obvious, and if I had to lag behind the baby with my own rules and schedule, well, where am I, I’m a “good” mother. And the books say that a child should eat five times a day, and his diet must include all cereals, fruits and soups. And this is certainly true. But what to do if the child doesn’t like oatmeal and doesn’t eat bananas, and in general, five meals a day is too much for him? The most correct step here is to feed your baby when he is hungry, and not when, in your opinion, the time has come. But I realized this only now. Then it seemed to me that if my son did not finish this ill-fated soup, he might not die of hunger, but he would definitely get sick or, at least, stop growing. As a result, we fed the child until he vomited, and then we were surprised at the folds on his belly and thighs.
My son and I finished tormenting each other and pushing each other into boundaries closer to his two years. By this age, he had outgrown the highchair and flatly refused to eat on a schedule or eat a proper diet. And he still doesn’t eat porridge, of any kind or in any form. He is soon four and, thank God, he is healthy, developed, moreover, a head taller and stronger than his peers. After two years, the child also began to fall asleep on his own, although lying with him before bed, holding his hand and telling him a bedtime story is a mandatory ritual.
Changing landmarks
So, I drew conclusions from raising my firstborn and did not conduct experiments with my second child. By the way, my daughter also did not want to sleep on a schedule or eat, which is healthy. Moreover, she could not stand frosts or even a weak breeze. And she was born in November, in the very slush and dampness. I slept only at home during the day and walked for no more than twenty minutes all winter; the two and a half hours that someone took was out of the question. As soon as my daughter began to feel discomfort from the cold or the wind hit her face, she began to scream at the top of her lungs, and I hastily brought her into the warmth. Because the prospect of swallowing cold air while screaming and catching at least a cold was at that time more realistic than a possible weakened immune system due to short walks.
I don’t monitor my daughter’s diet so fiercely either. If she doesn’t want to eat porridge today, I don’t give it to her, but replace it with, for example, cottage cheese or fruit. Sometimes she can carry cookies and sausages all day, stubbornly turning away from a full meal. But I know for sure that in the evening her stomach will require a normal, full meal, and she will still eat her soup, and most likely ask for a second one.
Even today I hear a lot of advice on raising children, but I have learned to filter them and not blindly follow all the recommendations. One of my friends keeps her one and a half year old daughter on a salt-free diet, and bursts into righteous anger when her grandmother adds salt to the porridge. She is sure that salt is “white poison” for a child. And the grandmother, in turn, argues for her action by saying that her granddaughter does not eat two plates of salted porridge, but she can eat three of salted porridge at a time. And at the same time, neither the mother nor the grandmother is embarrassed by the obvious excess weight of the child.
Yes, perhaps I go too far when at times I allow my daughter to do things that are not allowed at her age, but I do not encourage anyone to follow my example. Rather, on the contrary, I am writing this article so that you can see what blind adherence to established rules and other people’s advice can lead to. Raise your children as only your heart and your head tell you, of course, not forgetting common sense.
