how to leave your husband if you have nowhere to go
At the age of 25, I began to live in a “civil marriage” with Alexey, he is 5 years older than me. Everything was fine, the “common-law husband” loved me. I became pregnant at 28 years old, and at 7 months I found out that my “husband” had a mistress who was seven years younger than me. I read a text message on his phone: “Sweetie, what should we expect from you today?” And he left, said that he had business, business, and all sorts of excuses, came in the morning...
To save my marriage, I didn’t show that I knew about her, I did his laundry, cooked five different dishes a day, the house was clean, everything was ironed, starched... And there was no one to complain to, to cry to, I myself am from an orphanage.
When I was in the maternity hospital, he brought her to our house, a neighbor came in in the evening, he, without shame, opened the door, my mistress came out of the bath in my robe... Well, these are all little things. The daughter was born restless, cried at night, he, citing the fact that he could not get enough sleep (we had a one-room apartment), allegedly went to his friend’s, his brother’s, to spend the night. I endured everything because I wanted the child to have a father, I tried in every possible way to save our marriage. He often insulted me that I was stupid, scary, fat (I gained 10 kg after giving birth), that the wives of his friends always looked good, well dressed, and I was an orphanage hillbilly. He began to raise his hand at me: I cooked it wrong, I put it wrong, the child is yelling, shut him up. He started kicking me out of the house, but I had nowhere to go, I was crying, on my knees I begged him not to kick us out onto the street.
I was on maternity leave, I received pennies, my milk disappeared, he stopped giving me money for food. I didn’t eat at home myself, I only spent the night sometimes, washed, changed clothes and left. He often began to beat him, just like that, for no reason, because he had ruined his life, because I lived in his apartment, because I gave birth to him and not she... This lasted five months. And then one “beautiful” day he appears on the threshold of our house with her, with his mistress Irina, and says that I have half an hour to pack my things and leave... (the apartment was his only). I cried and begged not to kick us out, I stood on my knees and said that we had nowhere to go, to which I received a kick in the stomach... He shouted: “Look at you, fat creature, look at Irina (Irina is beautiful, slender, in expensive clothes, with hairstyle) I, how can I live with you”...
That’s how, on a frosty winter evening, I left the apartment with a five-month-old baby in my arms into the street... I remember that day well. It’s dark outside, seven o’clock in the evening, it’s lightly snowing, the lights are shining... I’m standing in an autumn jacket, in autumn boots in one hand, a small bag with things... in the other an envelope with a baby... I didn’t even have a stroller. He didn’t give me his cell phone because... it was he who bought it...
Where to go? There was only 18 rubles of money in my pocket. I was going nowhere, I was no longer crying, I had nothing to cry with and could neither speak nor cry. I had nowhere to go, my “husband” kept all my friends away from me, there were only family friends, his friends. Before maternity leave, I worked as a nurse in a hospital, I went there. I tearfully asked our doctor on duty to let me spend the night in the hospital. I was allowed, but for one night. In the morning I went to the pawnshop and pawned gold earrings and a chain, valued at 7 thousand rubles. On the same day, I rented a room from an old woman in a wooden house for 4 thousand a month. I had no bed linen, no towels, nothing.
Marya Sergeevna, the owner of the house, was 62 years old at the time, she was very ill and could barely walk. After listening to my story, she said that she would help me with the child, sit for me, that I needed to look for a job, she didn’t have any children of her own, her son died. It was difficult to find a job, I don’t have a higher education, I didn’t finish my studies for one year. And then it hit me again, my “husband” drove up to me on the street and said that he would no longer pay the loan for the car. (The loan is in my name, and the car is in my “husband’s name”)... He threatened that if I apply for alimony, he will deprive me of parental rights, because... I don’t have housing and I don’t have a permanent income either. I got a job as a cleaner in a fish shop, for 4 thousand rubles, in the evening I ran as a dishwasher in a cafe for 3 thousand rubles, on foot for 7 km. But there wasn’t enough money for the loan; I had to pay 8,800 rubles. a month for two years... and also pay for the room. At night I knitted socks and mittens and sold them at the market; in the cold I stood in a Bolognese jacket and autumn boots. In the evenings I went to the market for my part-time job to sort through rotten vegetables and fruits, in the cold, with icy hands, I cut off those that were unusable and brought them home to my daughter. I went to work as a janitor from 5 am to 7 am.
I looked at the women passing in expensive cars, they were all beautiful, well-groomed, and for some reason then I thought about them, they are lucky, they have winter clothes, and they are warm, and they are not hungry... Many thanks to Marya Sergeevna, because she was babysitting my daughter. I came home at one in the morning, washed the children’s clothes, went to bed at two, so that I could get up for work at 4.30. I didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t eat enough, was often sick and constantly fainted. My vision deteriorated and I lost 18 kg. My hands were shaking, I was blue. There was a catastrophic lack of money. I didn’t buy things for myself for 2 years, I began to look like a homeless woman. I didn’t have the strength, but I didn’t give up, I worked through gritted teeth, because I didn’t want my child to be taken to an orphanage, I’m from there myself and I know what it’s like. I cleaned apartments, washed entrances, earned money as best I could.
I began to turn to God, or rather, for some reason I began to read the “Our Father” a huge number of times a day, on the way to work, home, at work, I don’t know why. I worked, but in my mind I read and read... And the Lord came into my life! I began to quietly pray to God at night, telling Him how hard it was for me, that I no longer had the strength to live. My dears, it’s not in vain that they say that when everyone abandons us, only God remains with us! If I had turned to God back then, I wouldn’t have had to go through all this...
Two years have passed, the Lord has turned everything around in my life! I began to read the Bible and the Lord answered me there. He said, trust me and rely on me.
What's the result? I lived like this for 4 years. I will not describe in detail all the horror that I had to go through. Having gone through humiliation, pain, hunger, tears, a loan for the car my ex drives around in, I paid it all off myself, with my own hands, with my health, with my tears. Life began to change rapidly. The Lord sent me a woman - the owner of an elite apartment that I was cleaning, she took pity on me and offered to work for her as a secretary, the salary was 15 thousand, I was shocked... She gave me an advance on clothes, helped me get my child into kindergarten. Everything started to look up. I took computer courses and graduated from college to become a lawyer. Two years later I was promoted, I became a manager, then a commercial director in a large company, with a large salary I took out a mortgage for a 3-room apartment, bought a car, made luxurious home renovations, and recently went on vacation with my daughter to Italy and France. My daughter goes to a private school and doesn’t need anything. She calls Marya Sergeevna grandmother, we help her and go to visit. A very nice man is looking after me, the director of a construction company...
And here is fate! I am buying a country house from an advertisement - a cottage with a bathhouse and a house. The owner said over the phone that she was urgently selling the dacha, because... big debts and some problems and urgently need money. We are approaching the dacha, me, my friend and my daughter. Home sellers are coming out, who do you think?! My ex-boyfriend and his mistress! I am in shock, they are in shock... I look at them and all these years have flown by before my eyes... that same winter evening, when light snow is falling and the lights are on, I am with a five-month envelope... and 18 rubles in my pocket... I am standing by an expensive car, in an expensive fur coat, worth as much as this whole dacha, beautiful, slender and well-groomed, he is bald, pot-bellied, flabby, the one who kicked me in the stomach when I begged not to kick us out, and she is a fat woman of 100 kilograms... So we stood ten minutes in silence... Do you know what I did? I walked up to him and spat in his face, as hard as I could, as hard as I could. He didn't even move...
This is how the Lord turned everything upside down in my life and put everything in its place. I went through the school of life, you know, as they say, through thorns to the stars. The Lord saved me and turned everything around in my life!
Never despair, never, do you hear me? Never! Life will change and you will have everything! Study, work, strive for the best! And most importantly, trust God, only he can save you! I feel so sorry for all of you that you have to go through all this pain and humiliation, I really want to help everyone. Remembering what I had to go through and what has become of me now, I repeat: never give up and don’t let yourself be humiliated! God bless you all!
Where can I leave my drinking husband? The child is sick, there is no work.
Reader question:
Hello, I don't know what to do. We live with the child in my husband’s apartment; I don’t work. The child is often sick, suffered a serious illness in intensive care, and was in a coma. I have nowhere to leave my husband, who has made our life hell. He has been drinking almost continuously for more than two years. She called the police when she was no longer able to cope on her own. It's scary at home when you're drunk. He still works somehow, but has difficulty going to work. The child can’t see this, the apartment is small, you can’t hide anywhere, my husband is already raising his hand against me, he began to treat the child with aggression when he’s sober. A drunk person should not be allowed near a child.
I understand that there is only one way out - I need to leave my husband urgently, but there is nowhere to go, and I cannot earn money, even to feed myself and my child. There is nothing to say about a rented apartment.
What could be the way out of this situation? Tell me, I don’t see it myself.
Catherine
Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:
Good afternoon
Dear Ekaterina, God help you! A very difficult situation. Let's think together about what can be done here. You are right in saying that we need to leave. Alcoholism is also, according to church regulations, one of the reasons for divorce. So yes, we need to save ourselves. Are you sure you don’t have relatives to go to? Are mothers, fathers, aunts, maybe grandmothers alive? If you were able to stay with them for some time, it would be good. And immediately immediately remember what your specialty is and go to work so that you have your own piece of bread in life.
If there is nothing like this at all, then temporary refuge can be found in church shelters. There is, for example, a crisis. Call them and find out if and how they can help you. Contacts are on the website, and the shelters themselves are not only in Moscow, but already in many dioceses throughout the country.
We have materials about his work, here they are:
For 4 years, the Moscow “House for Mom” sheltered 140 women...
Even leaving a child, a woman should have the opportunity...
If things don’t work out with them, ask them for contacts of other shelters, temporary shelters for women with children. People who provide this kind of help probably know where and what is, where there are places where they can help you.
There are also support centers for women experiencing domestic violence. For example, . If you would like to receive their contact information, write a letter to and we will send them to you in a personal letter.
Moving to a shelter is a very serious step. You need to be very careful about your condition. Pray to God and the Mother of God, ask them for help and intercession. You can pray the shortest prayer: “Lord. have mercy." Do something - pray, gather yourself, gain peace in your heart. It's difficult, but... try!
There is no need to persuade your husband, to persuade... You just do what you think is necessary, and that’s all, without entering into a new (possible) confrontation with your spouse. And then similarly discuss your relationship with your husband and your own condition with psychologists from the center. Don't be afraid to talk to them! Your task is to get back on your feet and step into a new life.
And for the future - be sure to have your own ground under your feet, no matter how good it is - do not refuse to participate at least a little in professional life. Even if your husband earns very well and this money seems like pennies, still try not to lose your qualifications. This will greatly support and strengthen you morally, you will be a good example for your child, you will be proud of yourself and your husband will be proud of you too. And in future relationships, I beg you, carefully look at what kind of person is next to you. As soon as you feel that a relationship with this or that person may begin to threaten your and your child’s health and life, run immediately, without waiting for some completely radical situations.
God bless you!
An archive of all questions can be found here. If you do not find the question you are interested in, you can always ask it on our website.
On the screensaver: a fragment of a photo by Tijs Zwinkels
