My husband doesn't want to live with me
We lived with my husband for 15 years. I am 43 years old, my husband is the same. I have a daughter from my first marriage. You can’t say that our life was wonderful, but I decided that the second marriage should be preserved, endured and forgiven if you don’t like something. My husband didn’t like a lot of things about me, and if I or my child did something wrong, my husband would go to his mother. I cried and asked to come back, to forgive me... I came to his mother and asked for forgiveness, my mother gave me a beating, reminding me that my husband took me with the child, and I could not find an approach to him. All this took place in the silent presence of her husband and father-in-law. After my upbringing, they forgave me and sometimes set conditions. We spent every weekend with my husband's parents, and my child stayed with my parents. All 15 years I felt that no one was holding me, and if I didn’t like something, I could be free. Of course, there were good moments and I, because I love my husband, felt happy. All his interests were mine, we decided all his affairs together, I met him from work, we did shopping together, I went with him to the garage and helped him as much as I could, watched films that he liked. But still there were breakdowns: sometimes I was accused of being only concerned with my daughter, sometimes my job was unsuitable (I worked shifts), sometimes I was greedy, sometimes jealous, sometimes just not in the mood, and so on. My husband’s mother measured us, teaching me about life, and everything continued again...... My daughter grew up to study in another city. It seemed like we were left alone and could live for ourselves, but 5 months ago my husband told me that he fell in love with another woman at work. He began to drink and move away from me. He told me about his love and his experiences. He claimed that he had never loved anyone and suddenly love. I didn’t believe it, I thought it was just another idea, but a month later I saw text messages on my husband’s phone, he called her a kitten and missed her very much. I made a mistake and wrote to this woman so that she would not destroy our family, but would think about her family. The husband organized a pogrom at home. The relationship did not improve: I cried, had dinners by candlelight, persuaded me to leave for another job, screamed, begged, everything was useless... my husband became suspicious, continues to drink, does not pay attention to me, forbids me to meet him from work and generally does not go anywhere with me , forbade calling him at work: he is either busy, or turns off the phone altogether, and is deceiving. Now he says that he does not and could not have any woman, all these are virtual fantasies. He just stopped loving me. The relationship is getting worse and worse, now he has gone to his mother and continues to drink. He says he hates me. His mother helped me return my husband to the family, and now she accuses me that it was I who brought him to such a state, that it was I who ruined his life and now blamed him on her. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where the truth is and where the lie is. I live with a feeling of guilt that I cannot keep my husband, he leaves me, I feel that he does not love me. It’s scary to lose him and it’s impossible to live. He lost interest in everything and even in life. I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for his parents, but he doesn’t care about anything. Help, I don’t know what to do.
My husband doesn't want to live with me
The man doesn't want to live together
He wants to live with me, but not in my apartment (he wants his own place, he’s afraid that my parents will reproach him for this
It is completely natural that a man wants to realize himself as a MAN. And any hints that he is taking advantage of a woman’s well-being are unacceptable to him. And such hints may come, for example, from his friends, acquaintances, and perhaps his own parents. Yes, perhaps this will seem unreasonable to you: it would seem that you and your parents are not against it, but the trouble is that he does not feel like the master of the apartment. He cannot establish his own rules there. That is why he has not yet decided to take such a step. Perhaps, if you had already decided on the issue of a wedding, he would agree to live with you, taking responsibility for the financial support of the family, and then he would feel like the owner of the apartment, responsible for the family. But for now he is not ready to build a family, and therefore he is not ready to take on “half” responsibility in an apartment that he does not consider his own.
but he believes that all this is not enough for family life, that first he will buy an apartment, get on his feet, and then a wedding, children, etc. and now it will only hinder him. he's not ready for this yet.
This is also understandable. He is only 25. He does not have any “biological clock” that would rush him to have a child. Therefore, he wants to do everything the way he sees it right - first to earn money, to become successful, and then to have a family and children, so as not to limit himself for the sake of the children, counting every penny. Of course, raising children is easier in all respects when there is financial stability. And perhaps you don’t really need to rush with your child and family right now? You are also very young, and you are still very, very far from the biological “limit” for having children.
I don’t argue, this is a wonderful desire: to achieve prosperity, his own home, but he just can’t understand: I don’t love him for money,
Try to understand that this is most likely not about money as such. It’s just that if you start a family now and take on financial responsibility, you will have to squeeze a lot, especially with a child. But he doesn’t want to limit himself too much. And this is a serious motive. After all, a parent who is unhappy and limited in his personal happiness and well-being will most likely later “take it out” on the child (albeit unconsciously) for the fact that the child limited him in the realization of his goals. Any person, approaching his own realization in terms of his own desires, goals and needs, then unconsciously “takes revenge” on the one or those who somehow plunged him into such a limitation.
It just seems to me that he is used to a carefree life with friends, and a measured family life scares him.
Maybe it's scary. But why did he decide that it would be boring and measured? Perhaps because you behave this way? Do you have any adventures together? Trips? Any general findings? Perhaps it is your behavior as a homebody that gives him reason to think so? What if your behavior changes in some way?…..
And I’m just tired, as a woman, that he comes when he wants, and when he doesn’t want, he stays at home, and I’m always waiting for him...
Again, why do you always wait for him? Don't you have any business of your own? Any hobbies of your own? Why is it that your life is so focused on him? After all, he may be afraid not of family life as such, but of your excessive dependence on him, and it seems to him, perhaps, that by being constantly next to you, he will lose the opportunity to do his own business, because you will constantly demand his attention and presence?
but at the same time I worry, what if he never wants this?
Neither you nor any of us know this. But at least you can try to change something and see what happens. Find more activities for yourself, some kind of self-realization, communicate more and more often with friends, in other words, do not create in your young man the feeling of your dependence on him and constant expectation. Maybe then he will have a greater sense of ease in the relationship and will quickly decide to live together?
The man doesn't want to live together. What to do?
Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky, psychologist St. Petersburg
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I don't know how to live with my husband.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, I don’t even know where to start with my question. My topic is probably banal, but I just don’t know what to do and how to live further. I'll try to briefly tell my story. I met my future husband when I was 15 years old, he was 21 years old. We were on friendly terms for a long time, but I fell in love with him at first sight and then told myself that I wanted such a husband. We started dating when I was 20 years old, we got married when I was 22 years old. We don't have children. I’ll describe right away why I fell in love with my husband. My husband is a wall behind which there is no fear, handsome, not stupid, purposeful, gets what he wants, has life experience, honest, strong, with him it is not scary to find yourself in some kind of force majeure situation, loving, protective, affectionate . He was like that. It's not like that now. And I don’t know, is this a crisis in the relationship, or is this just the end of our story?? Now everything is just terrible. My husband sought me out for a very long time, despite the fact that we met very early, he said that he fell in love with me almost immediately, but he suggested dating me when I was 18. Then I refused him, because I was used to us being friends, I I didn’t want to lose such a friend, and at that time I was in a relationship with someone else. We met periodically, just as friends. We didn't have sex before we started our relationship. And so, when I was 20, I broke up with my boyfriend, sat with a friend in a cafe and met my husband. Then we sat amicably, he went to accompany me home, and said that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. At that time, I was already disappointed in love and was afraid to believe again, afraid to love, and I tried to isolate myself from this feeling. But she couldn't resist. So, a month later we started dating. For the first time I admitted to my husband that I loved him three months into our relationship. Almost as soon as we started dating, he proposed to me and we knew and planned in advance when we would have a wedding. The first year of the relationship was absolutely amazing. Nobody loved me so much in my life and I was just flying in heaven. It's indescribable. It was like this for two years. That's why we got married. We took out a loan for the wedding. After the wedding, we lived well for another year, and then everything went as planned. A year after our wedding, my husband lost his job and it was terribly stressful for him. He had a long depression. I was working at that time, my salary was pretty good and I could provide for my family, but we had a loan and paying it off fell on my shoulders. I supported my husband as best I could, never said a word to him about work, I was his support. he was in no mood all the time. He stopped paying attention to me, we stopped making love, we didn't plan for children. The first brick of our relationship collapsed. I waited for a long time, it lasted approximately six months. I begged for intimacy, intimacy began to happen very rarely between us, and quarrels began. So a year passed. My husband found a job, but while he was looking, I also had to take out loans for myself, it’s a long story... about them. To close one I took the second, etc. As a result, we found ourselves deeply in debt. I couldn’t bear family responsibilities alone. And my husband looked for a good job for a very long time. Three years passed like this. My husband had part-time jobs; at most, he stayed at work for six months. But I would like to point out right away that it is not his fault. And I'm not trying to defend him here. We live in a small town and have a very hard time with work. For three years we were deeply in debt, we often quarreled, I won’t hide the fact that there was assault on both sides, but it was my fault (tell me right away, my husband didn’t beat me, he could push me, push me away, once he accidentally hit me on the head, it wasn’t on purpose , and once grabbed me by the neck when I was simply in a hysterical state), crazy people, yelling, mutual reproaches. Because of this, our relationship deteriorated. We had practically no intimacy 1-2 times every two months. My husband and I are almost always together and I know 100% that there was no betrayal on his part. So we come to the fourth year. Needless to say, it got even worse. I can't reach my husband. Now he hasn’t worked for six months again, I work for two people. I have a job with a shift schedule, and I also do part-time work. I have gained a lot of weight because... 2 years ago I had a severe hormonal imbalance. Due to lack of money, I cannot afford to go to the doctor, because almost all tests are paid. All the money goes to pay off debts. You also need to get dressed and eat something. My husband stopped paying attention to me altogether, and when I say something, he says that it’s all because I’ve gained a lot of weight. There are no compliments, no words I love you, nothing. I feel bad that I work, I try, sometimes I can’t even afford to buy clothes because I have no money. And I’m offended that my husband doesn’t appreciate this, that I only ask for attention and support from him. We stopped talking and doing anything. When we quarrel, we touch each other on the most painful topics. I am the provocateur of quarrels. Sometimes my husband and I talk and he tries to calm me down, says that he loves me, that everything will be fine, that I need to calm down, not nag him, and then over time he will cool down and our relationship will improve. But I can’t help it, I’ve accumulated so much resentment that I have nowhere to put it. This is resentment and anger. Resentment for the lack of attention, anger that I support our family, but I’m a girl and it’s not my responsibility to think about money, but my husband’s responsibility. Even in ancient times, men hunted mammoth, and women took care of the family hearth and raised children... Help me please, I just don't know what to do. I don’t want to nag my husband, I don’t want to cling to him, offend him. I tried taking a sedative, but it didn't help me. I don't know what to do. I love him, I want a child from him, but his indifference, unwillingness to do anything scares me, he was not like that, and I don’t know how to get everything back…….
Question author: Lina Age: 26
