Good question “One day they will not be seen”: Adults on why they live with their parents
Since our school years, mom, dad, me and my two brothers lived outside the city in a big house. At twenty-three, I got married, the two of us began to live in my husband’s apartment. His parents were nearby, we constantly called each other, went to visit at least once a week, went to exhibitions on weekends or just for a walk. They communicated with my family much less: either because they lived outside the city, or because my ex-husband was the only child in the family and his parents needed such meetings more - I don’t know. While I was married, I became estranged from my family. It seemed that we could live in our narrow world together and share everything only with each other. Now I think it was selfish of me.
We were happy, but after four years I packed my things and returned to my parents. I didn’t have the habit of boiling over and running to my mother or girlfriend, but the situation was difficult, and living separately for some time was the only right decision. I only took a week’s worth of things - it seemed that this was just a difficult period, let’s live separately, think about it, and everything will work out. But every week I moved more and more things to my parents, and rare meetings with my husband showed that we would no longer be able to live happily together as before. Six months later we divorced.
By that time, my mother was left alone in the four-story house. The older brother got married and left, the younger brother moved abroad, mom and dad decided to live separately. Mom was lonely in the house where a large family used to live. She often said how glad she was that we were now living together. After the divorce, she was very supportive of me, we talked a lot. I really appreciate it. I couldn’t have done it without her, so there was no question of living alone. When the acute feelings subsided, I thought about renting an apartment in the center, close to work. But the road did not take away my nerves and strength, and I realized that I even liked living outside the city.
Now I have been living with my mother for more than a year. We are two close people, not a daughter and a controlling mother. I can arrive at five in the morning by taxi or not come to spend the night at all - this is my personal business. Each of us has two floors. Sometimes we don’t even meet each other during the day, although we live in the same house. There are no questions about the budget: whoever is more comfortable at the moment goes to the store. We eat little at home, but we like to sit together in the evening with wine, cheese and olives. It is very important for me that over the past year I have become closer not only to my mother, but also to my father and brothers. I think you shouldn’t forget about your parents, even when you move. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, and family is the rear that will always accept and support you in any situation.
You have to live separately from your parents!
Relationships even with the most beloved and dear relatives at a distance only become stronger and better. Because if you have your own personal territory, then you don’t have to share it with others, and you avoid all the problems that are inevitably associated with it. A shared resource (in this case, living space) always creates a lot of problems when dividing it. A clash of interests is inevitable.
Even if at first glance everything is good and wonderful, then at second glance it turns out that there are still pitfalls. They cannot but exist. There are no ideal people.
Someone didn't wash the dishes. Someone did not close (or vice versa - closed) a window, a tap, a pan. Someone didn't put the shoes back in place.
There are a million or more reasons for clashes. Any situation in everyday life can cause dissatisfaction with each other. And discontent tends to accumulate.
In case of disagreement, there are usually two options for behavior: either fight for victory or seek compromises. Victory in many cases comes at too great a cost (do you want to be right or happy?), and not everyone is able to be patient with the shortcomings of others and try to find a common language with them.
On the other hand, living separately also does not guarantee that there will be no quarrels with parents. You know, there are such telephone mothers who terrorize their children: “Have you eaten? Did you get enough sleep? Why don't you call? So what if he called yesterday, today is today” - and further down the list. But I would like to hope that this is rather an exception to the rule. There are still more mothers who want their children to grow up and live their own lives, right? Living separately from parents: difficulties
And now, hurray, it has finally happened - by hook or by crook, but you have your own home!
It’s too early to rejoice, we must keep in mind that housing separately has some disadvantages: Freedom. Yes, freedom can be a disadvantage. Because there is no caring control for you, like “put on a hat, otherwise your ears will freeze.” And you'll freeze if you don't put it on. Self-control. Moreover, it is permanent, because a simple pattern is formed: if you go to bed late (and after all, no one is standing over your soul and itching “go to bed, it’s late”), you will be late for study or work. Or you might even start leading an immoral lifestyle! Responsibility. If you don't buy food, you won't find anything in the refrigerator. And go to your neighbors and ask them to borrow salt. Or soap. Or ropes. Financial expenses. Actually, payment for the apartment and repairs, if necessary. And sooner or later you will need it. If you have a pet, you can’t just leave for a long time - who will feed your cat or walk your dog?
Another disadvantage is the possible lack of spiritual intimacy: and there is no one to talk to!.. A telephone is, of course, good, but sometimes you want live human communication, to be hugged and loved.
Irrelevant, of course, if you live with friends or a partner. Living separately from parents: joys
As you might guess, all the advantages of living in a separate living space come from the disadvantages, if you look at them from a different angle: Freedom. You do what you think is necessary, and no one can tell you. You invite friends to visit without agreeing with anyone on their quantity and quality. Just keep in mind that there are neighbors, otherwise representatives of the authorities in the form of the police and the housing department will join your fun party at one in the morning! Independence. You and only you decide what is right and what is wrong. And the responsibility for the choice you make falls entirely on your shoulders, by the way. Self-control, self-organization, independence. You do the cleaning, wash the bed linen, buy groceries and cook food, without expecting that someone else will do it for you. Your own style. You decorate the apartment as you please. Either in pink elephants or in severe gothic style. Well, and as an important advantage - sex. No comments here
The most important advantage of living separately is the absence of constant disputes with parents.
There will always be misunderstandings, if only because you belong to different generations. You have different values, worldviews, experiences, ways of reacting to what is happening and to each other, approaches to resolving issues - continue on your own...
And you can explain your own position to your beloved parent, but even if you talk, if the other side doesn’t hear you, or misinterprets your words, or doesn’t pay any attention to them at all, there will be no use in talking. At the same time, your parent can most likely say the same about you...
Therefore, the best option is to leave your relatives. Grow up and start living your own life.
But if you really learn to find a common language with your parents and build harmonious relationships with them, then you will learn to communicate effectively with all other people and solve relationship problems right away.
Another thing is that you can acquire successful communication skills in difficult situations gradually, and not directly during “military operations,” and at a safe distance from the epicenter
Relationships between adult children and parents
Hi guys.
Today we’ll talk about the importance of the relationship between adult children and parents. Have you ever wondered at what point children become adults? Personally, it always seemed to me that this should happen immediately after graduating from school or college, but in reality a person becomes like this when he moves to live separately or begins to be fully responsible for his actions. It is then that grown-up children and parents face serious problems, whose relationships may become slightly strained or cease altogether.
Why does everything happen this way? Are all people doomed to endless quarrels with their children when they become adults? Of course, this doesn't always happen. It is interesting that each person makes his own choice in how to solve such problems. Some people prefer to ignore the situation and pretend that the psychological problem does not exist. Others live in constant quarrels, which make mothers, fathers, and children equally unhappy.
Watch at least one episode of Honey, We're Killing Children. Families with terrible relationships. I sincerely hope that in most families things are not so bad.
It is wrong to put up with a problematic relationship, because you can resolve the issue before it is too late. In any case, parents are the closest and dearest people to us, and time, as we know, does not spare anyone.
What today seems like an irreconcilable disagreement will later become empty and completely unimportant. Should you miss the chance to get closer to your loved one?
If you agree that the relationship between parents and adult children should be filled with love and mutual understanding, we will try to understand the main reasons for the generation gap.
What do parents suffer from?
- “We were hoping you would do as we want!”
If your mother dreamed of you becoming a doctor, but instead you chose the profession of an economist or lawyer, this may well cause a lot of controversy. It's good to follow in your parents' footsteps or realize what they always wanted, but only if you really want it yourself .
Parents need to understand that their lifestyle will not necessarily become yours. There is nothing judgmental about this. However, mom and dad need to explain that this or that decision was not made out of spite. Never forget that your life belongs to you and only you.
- “We dreamed of being proud of you!”
Children will always be a source of pride for their parents, but sometimes they don't show it quite right. Sometimes it is stereotypes that destroy harmony in relationships. The fact is that each person has his own understanding of right and wrong actions, as well as standards of behavior. Bragging about the achievements of their children is more common for mothers, but fathers also arrange small competitions among themselves. In order to please your parents, you don’t have to become an Olympic champion or a billionaire. Sometimes it’s enough just to call on time, pick a bouquet of wild flowers or cook a delicious dinner .
- “We hoped you would appreciate us more!”
Young and promising people who still have their whole lives ahead of them hardly have to think about how their parents feel. From an early age, mom and dad give everything they have to make the baby happy. When a child appears in a family, the rest of the world fades into the background. At one time, you became the meaning of your parents’ lives, so in return they expect at least care. Can you blame them for this?
- Call them
- To pay attention
- Send a postcard
- Give a gift
Show them you appreciate them. After all, they have invested so much love and care in you. The least you can do is show them that you still love them and are grateful to them . Often recognizing how important another person is to you helps resolve many conflicts. If you're wondering what gift to give, I have a tip for the mother-daughter relationship. Many people will like these pendants for parent-child relationships. Any mother or daughter will be pleased to receive such a sign of attention.
The role of parents in the lives of adult children is no longer so noticeable, so they experience a lack of attention and love. Every person, sooner or later, flies out of his father's nest and forgets about his parents. Of course, you need to arrange your personal life and career, but the older generation simply needs your participation.
Spend family holidays together, don’t forget to call for no reason and just find out how you’re doing. When there are difficult moments in life, we all, first of all, remember our parents. However, they need us constantly.
