In what cases is this mode installed?
The separation of spouses in a marriage can cause divorce. If one of the spouses does not live in the family home and does not participate in the life of the second spouse, then there can be no talk of a marriage union . This is the first time that it is necessary to establish a separation regime.
The second common scenario is that spouses who live separately wish to divide their property. Here it will be taken into account when, who and to what extent invested money in a particular object that they want to divide.
Separate residence affects the status of property; here personal property may arise that cannot be divided.
A separation regime is also often established when a href=»https://ksprf.com/zakluchenie-braka/grazhdanskiy/rebenok.html»>children are born out of wedlock, or children are born in marriage, but the parents live separately. Then the question arises of paternity and recording the full name on the child’s birth certificate.
How to confirm that spouses live separately
The most obvious activity in a family is running a joint household. If you have checks, receipts and other documents on hand that show that each paid only for personal needs and not for the needs of the family, then this can serve as the first evidence that the spouses live separately.
However, the fact that you made large purchases together, made repairs, and paid bills together may indicate that the marriage existed and you lived together.
The determination of such a regime is influenced by the testimony of witnesses. Neighbors, relatives or friends can confirm that you no longer live with your significant other. The court can be presented with evidence that your daily routine, diet, everything that you used to do together has changed, and now everyone has their own activities. For example, now you have lunch in the cafeteria, do not go to joint classes at the gym, and much more.
live separately in marriage
Our parents dreamed of seeing us healthy, happy, successful. We want the same for our children. However, thoughtless statements from adults can plant a program in a child’s subconscious that prevents the child from growing up as a full-fledged individual. Have you often heard in childhood “You are my dear”, “My eyes would not see you”, “Why am I being punished like this...”, “It’s time become independent, that you act like a little kid”? It is possible that you will not remember such words. However... it happens that you have an important task in front of you, but you want to do anything else (eat, watch TV, clean the room or wash the dishes), just not do the task you have set for yourself... As a result, the completion of an important task is postponed until a critical point and in order to do it, you have to commit violence against yourself. Or maybe it’s easier for you to do anything for others, but you just can’t help but ask for yourself? Do you happily buy gifts for your loved ones and pamper them with delicious meals, but you just can’t find the time to do morning exercises or take vitamins? The root of the problem is not character traits at all. Most likely, it is much deeper: as a child, your parents constantly put you in a situation where you felt guilty for your “selfishness.” As an adult, you continue to experience the same feeling, but without outside help. Why does something like this happen to us? American psychologists have come to the conclusion that in this form, an adult lives with dependence on one of the parents, who at one time supplied their child with code phrases. In psychology, this phenomenon is called “parental directives,” which are implanted in the child’s subconscious before the age of six. Having started researching parental directives, experts identified twelve main, most common hidden attitudes. They are formulated by very specific words and actions of parents. Failure to follow these instructions entails a feeling of guilt towards our parents, which even now, as adults, we cannot explain. For our part, knowing these attitudes, we can try to rid our children of the oppressive feeling of their own imperfection. Installation “Don't live” Sounds very scary and even unnatural? Haven’t you ever heard parents (not necessarily yours) say in their hearts: “My eyes wouldn’t see you!”, “I don’t need such a bad boy,” and even “Lord, I’m so tired of you!” Some “restrained” parents simply have conversations with their child about how difficult it is to raise children, how much trouble, anxiety and hardship the parental lot entails. The hidden meaning of this attitude is to manipulate the child by instilling in him a constant feeling of guilt before his parents. The confidence is born in the child (and many years later in the adult) that he is an eternal debtor to his father and mother. Meanwhile, the decision to have a child belongs exclusively to the parents. If they did not know that this path is difficult and thorny, they should not shift responsibility for their mistakes onto the child. Now try to imagine the thoughts and feelings of a child who hears something like this... He may well conclude that it would be better for mom or dad if he were not in the world. The child most likely will not commit suicide. But one should not be surprised if, having become fully imbued with the “don’t live” attitude, he will receive frequent injuries in early childhood, and later find another way to destroy his health. Another option for reacting to the “don’t live” attitude is the child’s deliberately hooligan behavior. It’s easier to feel guilty for something than to feel a constant feeling of guilt for unknown reasons. In adult life, a person with a firmly internalized “don’t live” attitude will feel worthless and believe that there is nothing to love or respect him for. Perhaps he will spend his life trying to prove his own worth. But most likely you will live like this with a constant feeling of “badness” - even if there are no objective reasons for this. “Don’t be a child” attitude Even the best parents rarely manage to avoid the phrases: “What a little kid you are!”, “It’s time to grow up,” “You’re no longer a child to whine about trifles.” The subconscious message is this: being a child is bad, being an adult is good. We (at least the majority) have internalized this message. As a result, we are afraid or do not know how to communicate with children. We have nothing to talk about with them, it is easy for us to teach and instruct them, but it is infinitely difficult to share their interests and live their lives. If you feel guilty when you want to pamper yourself or carry out some childish madness, the attitude of not being a child at all costs sits in your mind and poisons your life. Therefore, try not to encourage your children to “be an adult” before they are at least 8-10 years old. The “Don't grow up” attitude Practice shows that many parents take pleasure in instilling in their children a sense of their own indispensability. “I will never leave you!”, “I will always help my little child”... Children’s thinking can decipher this concern as: “If I grow up and become independent, I will lose the most important thing in life - parental support.” Growing up, a person with such a directive feels guilty for allowing himself to fall in love. These are very devoted children who agree to live with mom and dad even at the cost of refusing to start their own family. If such a person does get married, family life turns into a nightmare for his chosen one. Often, even after getting married, ungrown adult children refuse to live separately from their parents, and in any case cannot imagine life without devoting their mother (father) to all the vicissitudes of their marital relationship. “Don’t think” attitude Does it sound familiar: “Are you the smartest?”, “Stop talking, get busy with business”, “I’m older, I know better, listen to me - that’s all!” Indeed, adults understand life better. They have more experience. It is much easier to shift the solution of all issues to them. Moreover, they themselves want it. Result? A person who received such an attitude in early childhood often experiences helplessness and a complete lack of ideas when it comes to solving the problem that has arisen. They are often plagued by excruciating headaches, making the very process of thinking impossible. They experience a subconscious distrust of the results of their thoughts, often commit rash actions that leave a feeling of bewilderment: “How could I do this?” The “Don’t feel” attitude Actually, this prohibition can be divided into two parts – it is a shame to experience pain, discomfort and it is a shame to experience emotions. Most often, the emotions of anger and fear are prohibited: “Such a big boy, but you’re afraid of a small fish!”, “It’s a shame to cry!”, “Stop stomping immediately, why are you shouting!” Result? A person experiences negative emotions, but does not know how to release them. Cannot admit that someone or something has made him angry. He accumulates negativity inside, lashes out at loved ones, and feels “basically irritated.” The prohibition on experiencing unpleasant physical sensations also sounds very familiar: “Be patient and it will pass”, “If you don’t have sugar, you won’t melt”... Adults who have internalized this attitude often suffer from psychosomatic diseases - allergies, asthma, migraines, inexplicable pain. The “Don't achieve success” attitude Those who received this attitude in childhood are, as a rule, very hardworking and diligent. But they are definitely haunted through life by an evil fate: at the very last moment, a business into which a lot of effort was invested “bursts” for reasons beyond their control. They do not realize that the subconscious is to blame for the failure, which did not allow them to secure themselves, which prevented them from creating a backup option. What statements form the “failure” mindset? Oddly enough, the most innocent ones: “You should appreciate our efforts, we denied ourselves everything so that you could go to this club, take English lessons, go to university.” Such instructions are often based on parents’ unconscious envy of their child’s success, although consciously they just want their children to achieve more than themselves. “Don’t be a leader” attitude Have you ever heard: “Keep your head down,” “Be like everyone else,” “What do you need more than everyone else?” Parents can be understood: they want to protect their child from feelings of envy and other negative emotions that a bright personality evokes in strangers. But if, as a result, grown-up children are doomed to go through life at home and in the service as eternal subordinates... There is another unpleasant consequence - a person who is afraid of leadership, even having reached some heights, is afraid of panic or is simply unable to take responsibility. The “Don't get along with others” attitude This attitude is often instilled by parents who have problems communicating with other people. They emphasize in every possible way that their child is the only joy of life, the only relative, the only friend. In communicating with their “one,” they in every possible way emphasize his exclusivity, his difference from others, and always in a positive sense. Many people heard in childhood: “You’re not like everyone else.” Result? From an early age, a child gets used to feeling like a separate being. He does not blend into the team, rarely has close friends, although he may have a bunch of superficial contacts. Over time, this begins to get in the way. And even an adult cannot understand the reasons for such a feeling, because he does the same as others and tries to be like everyone else... The “Don’t do it” attitude “It’s dangerous, I’ll do it for you”, “Leave everything to mommy, you can’t handle it yourself” - Have you heard, I suppose? If the attitude has been repeated often enough and has been learned well, a person experiences excruciating difficulties at the beginning of every new task, even well-known ones - be it writing a novel, preparing an annual balance sheet, or washing clothes. These people are painfully short of time, they never learn how to plan things, they always fall short and live in a “deadline” mode, although in fact they could do everything on time. “Don’t wish” attitude: “Wanting is not harmful!”, “Again, you need something!”, “How much can you want and ask for!?” These words inspire the little person that having desires is bad. Growing up, he will happily please others and satisfy their needs, but he will not be able to ask for something for himself, much less insist on the legitimacy of his desires. The internal barrier will not allow it. It is those who have fully internalized the “Do not covet” attitude who are ashamed to defend their interests in court and endlessly give in in family life and at work. The “Don’t be yourself” attitude This attitude is especially often given by parents who wanted a child of the same gender, appearance or character, but got something exactly the opposite. If in a family one of the children is “better” (more comfortable and better meets the parents’ requirements), the second one can also be told: “Be like your brother (sister)”, “Why can your brother do it, but you can’t!” and so on. The most common phrase that everyone without exception has ever heard is: “Well, why don’t you... (fill in what you need yourself).” If such comparisons and reproaches are repeated too often, an adult may grow up who is constantly dissatisfied with himself, living in a state of painful internal conflict, which leads to prolonged depression. The “Don't enjoy your health” attitude In many families, overcoming is highly valued. A child who goes to school with a fever deserves every encouragement. Anyone who allows himself to relax and rest during illness is perceived with some condemnation. “You shouldn’t be sick, you’re the mother of children!”, “It’s okay that you don’t feel well, no one canceled your responsibilities” - common phrases in such families. A child, and then an adult, hearing such a message, is accustomed, on the one hand, to the idea that illness attracts everyone’s attention to him, and on the other, to the expectation that poor health will increase the value of any of his actions. As a result, such people join the army of poor souls who stubbornly sit at work, even if they have a cold. And they are saddened to learn that their labor feat does not deserve any praise. This becomes a reason for feeling undervalued, low self-esteem or resentment. They say that forewarned is forearmed. After reading this article, you can consciously avoid words that can ruin your child's future. However, what to do if you unexpectedly discovered these settings in yourself? Trying to change your parents or sort things out with them about the mistakes of your upbringing is completely futile. At one time, following parental guidelines allowed you, a child dependent on adults, to adapt to the demands of strong, big people. But now the situation has changed. The adult is you. This means that you have every right to consciously change the unconscious decisions that our own childhood imposes on us.
Regime Establishment Agreement
When a couple has quarreled, but has not yet made a decision on divorce, they often begin to live separately, go to relatives, rent apartments or live in hotels. Rarely do people think about formalizing this period. But there are situations when it is better to conclude an agreement on the separation of spouses in the Russian Federation.
An agreement is necessary if in the future one of the spouses risks remaining in a non-profitable position, that is, will need maintenance. An example would be a young mother who does housework, cares for her child and does not work. A separation agreement can provide the required amount of alimony in the event of a divorce.
The agreement also discusses all issues related to the property. There is a clear division of joint property and differentiation of personal property. The procedure for paying utility bills is also established here.
It is advisable to make it in writing, according to certain rules, with the signatures of both parties and the date of conclusion of the agreement. In controversial situations, legal advice is required. For greater formality, the agreement is certified by a notary.
How to understand whether it is worth living with your husband or not?
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elena!
I want to say right away that the situation you are in cannot have a simple solution! Therefore, for me personally, your hesitation is understandable. And yet, you can find many options for getting out of this situation, but they will depend on your position that you take in it, both focusing on your feelings and considering the impact of this situation on children. Let's look at the events that you outlined together! If I understood you correctly, then the marriage itself was not built on “high feelings” for each other! According to you, it was concluded “out of spite” for your ex-husband. It seems to me that the resentment towards him, perhaps due to his lack of determination in defending your relationship, and the desire to prove to him that you are in demand, interesting to others, are not the best adviser in matters of love and marriage! It is possible that you were also driven by the desire to prove to yourself your worth as a woman, especially when the courtship of another admirer takes place at the level of “carries in his arms, looks into his mouth.” When such “requests” for confirmation of oneself “work”, it is very difficult to remain objective and notice some kind of falsity in the relationship! At the same time, a person unconsciously tells another how exactly he would like to receive confirmation of this significance of his! Hence such a response from the other! At the same time, perhaps this other is guided by his own “scenario” for the development of relations. It can be based on a system of regular trading - “today I am for her, and tomorrow she is for me!” Then, upon achieving the goal set by this person, such drastic changes in behavior are possible! After all, now she “must demonstrate to me MY importance”! And this could be a need for support, or a desire to dominate in a relationship, or even an aggressive manifestation of the desire to dominate by any means! Not surprisingly, when such changes occur, an “epiphany” occurs. Why haven't I seen this before? How could I be so mistaken about a person? Why did he become like this? The answer to these questions is simple - for the most part it was like that, it’s just that while you were busy realizing your “own importance”, you did not pay attention to the manifestations of such traits as incontinence, aggressiveness (possibly as a manifestation of the desire to possess you autocratically). Now, over time, you have the opportunity to once again reconsider your relationship, only now taking a more sober look at what is happening. Review and evaluate them - how much do they satisfy you as a woman, as a mother? How long and for what purposes are you ready to continue such a relationship? How can they benefit or harm your children's development? Do you have the opportunity, strength and desire to change your life? When you can answer all these questions for yourself, you will definitely find a solution! Despite the fact that every woman or man has the right to build their relationships according to their own choice, for which they take responsibility, when these same men and women become fathers and wives, the level of responsibility for such a choice increases many times over! Now they also carry it for their children! Their mental state, the present and future of which depends on the development of the parents’ relationship, must also be taken into account when deciding on the development or possibility of continuing the relationship! Whether they will be “traumatic” factors with which children enter adulthood, or whether this traumatic component will be minimal, now depends on you, too! So, gather courage, wisdom and determination so that your decision is as informed as possible from all these angles! And the “scales” on which you will have to weigh the pros and cons, and the weights for them are in your hands! Choice is something that every person makes all the time! Don't give up on it and don't put it off until later, when time may already be lost!
I wish you success and determination in your choice!
Psychologist Gladkova Elena Nikolaevna
