Most of us have traits that can annoy others from time to time. In the same way, your boyfriend sometimes turns from the man of your dreams into a terrible bore whose girlfriend you wouldn’t wish on your enemy.
Boring type
Excessive pedantry is a characteristic feature of those young people who had to grow up early. These are a kind of “Uncle Fedora” who became assistants to their mothers, playing the role of comforters and advisers for them. They only felt loved and valued when they could provide mature, intelligent support. And now they project onto others the image of their mother from their childhood, for whom they were obliged to solve problems. In the psychological game “Persecutor - Savior - Victim”, boring men always try to play the role of the Savior. They are unconsciously looking for a Victim who will need their wise guidance and whom they will teach. Sometimes such help seems excessive, even persecutory, especially when the Savior is too persistent in his “teaching.” In this case, don’t be afraid to tell the bore “Stop!” Thank him for the advice, tell him that you value his opinion, but you will make the final decision yourself. He may be a little offended for a while, but if you act firmly enough and stick to your decision, your relationship will gradually improve.
Be happy!
Psychologists say that a woman who is ready to put responsibility for her life on someone else’s shoulders and does not want to think and act independently can build a strong relationship with a boring man, or other most dangerous psychological types of men. However, if for some reason the man also needs support, and the girl cannot provide it to him, their union may crack.
I cry and sob
Psychologists note that for such people to be dissatisfied with something is a normal physical reaction to external stimuli, which originates from childhood. This person’s inner child is crying not because something terrible happened to him, he just needs emotional release.
Whining men, as a rule, grow up in families where the father is absent either physically or psychologically. And the mother is overly caring, trying to protect her son from all problems as much as possible. And at the same time, she is very anxious and, perhaps, even slightly jealous of her son’s attempts to do something on his own. Mother and son are in a kind of symbiosis, in which by default the roles are distributed as follows: she is strong, smart, caring, and he is the one who takes this care and needs it. Growing up, a man seeks relationships that are familiar to him from childhood.
Unfortunately, the whiner never managed to grow up. And I didn’t learn to take responsibility for my life. He cries and whines, like a little child desperately in need of a caring mother who should help him cope with this difficult life. As a rule, in a relationship such a man takes the position of the Victim. And she always needs a Savior. A girl who is not ready to just support and be a kind of muse for her beloved, without asking for anything in return, is unlikely to be able to stay with a whining man for a long time. Even if he charms her with his sensitivity and sentimentality at the very beginning of the relationship. But if it is more important for you to love yourself than to feel a strong man’s shoulder next to you, then your couple has a future.
Will not forgive!
Everything is great with you until suddenly something happens. But what this “something” is and why it hurt him so much, you have to guess for yourself. Perhaps later your loved one will tell you what not to do so as not to offend him in the best feelings. But this will happen later, but for now, for several hours you will see the dissatisfied face of your man and hear only one answer to all questions - “normal.” And also suffer from a lack of understanding of what it was about your behavior that he didn’t like so much.
Excessive isolation in a conflict situation, reluctance to talk, as well as a gloomy appearance most likely indicate that he lacks attention. Often this behavior can be a completely conscious manipulation. Your partner's resentment makes you feel guilty, and you are ready to give your warmth just to cope with this unpleasant feeling. The reasons for excessive touchiness, like many other problems, lie in childhood. Perhaps the parents were restrained in expressing their feelings and rarely praised their little son, each time preferring not to notice that he was trying to gain their attention with the help of resentment. And instead of loving himself and accepting him for who he is, it becomes very important for the child how others evaluate him. Not getting what he wants, he accumulates annoyance at the whole world, which in adult life he demonstrates at every opportunity to those who were never able to give him enough attention and love.
The little boy in the grown man is too afraid to ask for something openly and experience his own failure, and suddenly he will be rejected. Therefore, resentment becomes, albeit strange, a way of communicating with the outside world and your partner. Those who are often offended often believe that they are underestimated and need constant confirmation of their own importance and praise. Such a man is pre-set to have a negative attitude towards himself. He can himself initiate situations in which he will feel rejected and unrecognized, receiving a kind of masochistic pleasure from this.
Another common cause of resentment can be unmet expectations. Your man expected from you, for example, an invitation to a party or to visit friends and, not receiving it, with all his appearance he demonstrates universal resentment. He sincerely believes that you, like many others, should have guessed about his desires.
If a young man is overly touchy, then you should be patient in communicating with him. Praise him for his achievements and successes, but avoid comparisons with others, for you the best is he, and only him! Try to find the “golden” mean between constant admiration and avoidance of provocations on his part. Switch a man's attention from problems to the positive aspects of life. Show him that talking about grievances may not be so scary and dangerous! And at the same time, do not forget about your own feelings in communication - do not make excuses and constantly apologize where you do not feel guilty.
What to expect from communication if a man is a whiner? He will be buzzing all ears about the dull weather, the boss is a fool and the lack of talented people at work. It is noteworthy that he will tell you everything he thinks about everything around him in 15 minutes during a casual conversation. So, experts say that you need to beware of such people, as very serious problems can arise. Is it possible to somehow change the situation?
To begin with, it’s worth saying that all whiners can be recognized by their concentration on the negative and daily complaints about everything around them. This man is unhappy with everything. People around are looking for solutions to problems, but they are being criticized. The main catch of the phenomenon: whiners do not exist alone; they adapt to life in a company where they are allowed to behave this way. So, at least, S. Artemyev thinks, being a psychologist in.
Why do whining men like to complain?
The answer to the question is incredibly simple. The fact is that at the moment of complaints they receive maximum attention to themselves. Sometimes they blame someone else for their troubles, thereby protecting themselves from all unpleasant emotions. Complainers are people for whom the feeling of guilt and helplessness is unbearable. They spend their energy to make everything around them good, i.e. solve problems, but do not like to be guilty, justifying themselves and blaming everything on the external environment.
Experts say that people who listen to whiners are not without sin. Why listen to them when you can start organizing your life? By taking on the role of rescuer, they feel better, more significant and more needed by everyone around them. They are thus distracted from their problems and do not fall under the assessment of other citizens. Is it possible to demand something from a divorced woman who cares about the fate of her lonely girlfriend?
Modernity
Whining is everywhere today. If you sit down and register on any social network, you can come across a lot of posts in which friends complain about their lives. O. Bykova, being a clinical psychologist, says that complaints about fate are not interesting to anyone in real life, but they are interesting when reading on social networks, since people seem to spy on someone else’s life, they want to read and give advice. The “complainer” complains again and again, because he is heard on social networks. One like under the post, a comment under the article - the whiner’s “ego” will be supported!
Dangers of dealing with whiners
Harm to health;
Development of psychosomatic diseases (receiving negativity - falling into despondency, falling into an exhausting state, leaving behind a feeling of irritation and powerlessness);
An obstacle on the path to happiness (imitation in your life, criticism and negativity towards everything);
Stress;
Development of cardiovascular diseases; etc.
He's a whiner! It's almost a death sentence. The fact is that a whining man causes much more rejection than a constantly wailing woman.
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He's a whiner! It's almost a death sentence. The fact is that a whining man causes much more rejection than a constantly wailing woman. Who does it call? Yes, from anyone you meet, not to mention your loved ones. According to archetypal ideas, a man should be strong, smart, insightful and preferably an alpha male. This is all great. But, meanwhile, the “male whiner” type is alive, well and does not intend to disappear.
There cannot be an equal sign between whining and real powerlessness, the inability to accomplish something. Whiners are capable of moving mountains, making a career, and traveling. And at the same time - complain to everyone about your hard lot. And no matter what they say, whiners lack two things: self-irony and faith in a happy ending.
Whining is not a sign of self-doubt. This is self-pity, the beloved, who is the center of this fragile and unreliable world. But even whining can be done in different ways.
Type one. Common whiner
His principle is simple: you can’t keep whining to yourself, it’s exhausting. His whining is a normal physiological reaction to external stimuli: a frosty morning, cold coffee, a reluctance to leave the house. Anything can fall under distribution. With his grumbling, the whiner seems to be describing the world. But with purely negative characteristics.
How to communicate.
There are two traps that you can fall into when communicating with an ordinary whiner. The first is to behave unnecessarily rudely with him. That is, scold for whining. The whiner will climb into his cozy shell and begin to feel sorry for himself with renewed vigor. Or even pour out your regrets on your more kind-hearted fellow citizens. The second trap is to delve seriously into the whiner’s problems and try to provide him with real help. The whiner's difficulties are most often of a metaphysical nature: I chose the wrong specialty, I have no real friends, I'm so lonely... That is, problems for which there is no one to blame but myself.
That he is, in principle, very pleased with the arrangement. The longer and more complaining the whining, the less likely it is that the whiner is going to change anything in his life. In other words, there are no real difficulties in his life.
Therefore, there are only two ways to deal with an ordinary whiner: ignore him (in terms of breaking off all contacts as quickly as possible) or create real difficulties for him. One day we had to take a classic whiner with us on a mountain hike. About which it was known in advance that complaints about an unfulfilled life were his signature number. We took him not without apprehension, wondering what we would do with him in the middle of the road if he suddenly collapsed from self-pity. But miracles! - our whiner, as soon as we left the threshold, became unusually caring - and with everyone at once: he ran for water, made sure that no one was tired, distributed vitamins and redistributed the load. And I won’t tell you how he became a whiner again as soon as we returned home, so as not to disappoint.
Type two. Whiner-Cassandra: “Well, I warned you”
As you know, Cassandra was able to predict only the bad. Good news is not her role. The classic “Cassandra” of modern times is Gromozeka from cartoons or books about Alisa Selezneva and the 21st century. The Cassandra whiners choose the postulate as their motto: “No matter what is done, everything is for the worse.” Therefore, as soon as the slightest trouble happens, a whiner of this type begins to become a nightingale: after all, I warned you! Why didn't you listen? Now blame yourself! And if in case of minor troubles such behavior is more likely to amuse, then in case of large ones it can be very infuriating.
As evidenced by his whining.
He lacks attention. He lacks respect from his interlocutors and attention to his expert knowledge. Grandmothers behave exactly the same way when they tell you: “Have you caught a cold? It’s because you didn’t listen when I asked you to put on your hat.”
Type three. Whiner Peacock: “I’ve suffered so much, let’s have sex”
He is courageous and immediately attracts attention. But on the very first evening of your acquaintance (after the third drink, after the twentieth joke) he will dejectedly rub his stubble and confidentially tell you about his troubles. He is able to present his numerous walks on the rake as an exclusive life experience. You will have to listen to how his first wife left him, what failures he suffered after that, how he once ended up in a sobering-up station and how yesterday he got into a fight with his boss, whose beefy, smug face was begging for a brick.
As evidenced by his whining.
This whole epic about suffering is nothing more than his favorite form of self-presentation, an attempt to press for pity. Most often, women's pity for such men is expressed in instant sympathy and the desire to become a mother and savior to the sufferer. Well, in the future, good sex in the next few hours.
How to communicate
. Don't take this bait. Otherwise, after a while you will have to witness how he again ended up in the sobering-up station, that his best friend turned out to be a scumbag, and that the face of the boss at the new workplace again asked for a brick of notice. And after some time, he can be found in the company of a girl you don’t know, reciting a text about how he suffered and what bitter experience he learned from it.
It is believed that a man should be stronger than a woman in everything, and should protect and defend his chosen one. But what to do if a man whines endlessly and needs protection himself? Let's whisper?
How to recognize a whiner
Sometimes a man’s complaints are caused by real problems - the death of a loved one, dismissal from work. The dark streak can last quite a long time, and the wife needs to help her beloved overcome the difficulties that have arisen. But more often than not, complaints are ordinary whining, which should serve as an alarm bell for the spouse. So how can you distinguish a whiner from a person in a difficult life situation?
The first sign.
A whiner is always dissatisfied with everything. Government, work, weather, food, health. Even if he receives a good salary, has a loving wife and wonderful children, such a person considers his life a failure.
Sign two.
He constantly presses for pity. Whiners are natural manipulators who achieve what they want by putting pressure on the emotions of others.
Sign three.
You have to spend a lot of energy and effort to console your man. You can no longer fully feel like a woman, because it is you who become the head of the family, and not your spouse.
Sign four.
For all the problems of a whiner, it is not he himself who is to blame, but those around him. At the same time, every minor problem in the whiner’s mind is inflated to enormous proportions.
It happens that a man’s behavior changes due to loss of ability to work and acquired disability. He begins to feel flawed and dependent, which is why he often complains about life. This is a difficult situation in which it is necessary to consult a psychologist.
If your loved one is healthy, but does not stop whining, you should think about whether you need to waste time on such a person. Whiners can turn their spouse's life into a real nightmare, and re-educating them can be problematic.
The roots of psychological problems always lie in childhood. People who grew up without a father have a tendency to whine. And the mothers of such people often overprotected the child.
Whiner man: maybe it's time to say goodbye to him and start living for yourself?
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It is believed that men are the stronger sex and do not cry. However, everyone has difficult situations when a person gives up. This is absolutely normal. But there is such a type as whining men. They are constantly dissatisfied with everything and do not miss an opportunity to share their dissatisfaction with others, especially with close people.
Signs that a man is a whiner
You shouldn’t label any man who complains and talks about his experiences as a whiner. Perhaps this is just a black streak in life. There are a number of signs that you should be wary of. Signs that a man is a whiner are:
Such a person is not satisfied with everything: work, weather, health, environment. I am sure that his life was not a success;
Likes to press for pity. Accustomed to benefiting himself by pressuring loved ones for pity;
The wife spends all her energy trying to console her husband and solve his problems, which in most cases are far-fetched. The wife becomes the main one in the family and takes care of everything;
Anyone is to blame for all problems, but not the whining man himself. Every problem is given the dimensions of a catastrophe.
How to deal with a whining man
The wife should under no circumstances encourage such behavior from her husband. It is important to distinguish between support and pity. It is possible and even necessary to support, but when support turns into pity, then problems begin. The more the wife encourages her husband's whining, the more he will continue to do so. If you constantly indulge a man’s whims, you will have no strength left for yourself and your life. Since whiners are accustomed to blaming others for their problems, soon it will be their wife’s turn, no matter how much good she has done for him.
How to meet a girl?
Whining is a habit that in most cases comes from childhood. It is difficult to wean a person off of it, but it is possible. This will probably take a lot of time.
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To wean a man from whining, it can be useful to follow the following tips:
Stop listening. In relationships, listening is very important for both women and men. However, if a man starts whining, then there is no need to keep the conversation going; you need to demonstrate in every possible way that there is no time or desire to listen to his problems;
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Change the topic of conversation. Of course, interrupting your interlocutor and starting to talk about another topic is not nice, but only if we are not talking about whiners. It is important to make it clear that the world does not revolve around them and the interlocutor also has problems. Let the man also learn to listen;
How to regain self-respect after cheating: 9 rules for girls
To say frankly that his far-fetched problems are not interesting. Translating the topic does not always work; some men continue to return to their grievances. In such cases, you need to say that this topic is not interesting. You need to acknowledge his problem, but not listen, but ask what he intends to do to solve this problem.
If these methods do not work and the person does not want to change, then it’s time to leave him. People change on rare occasions, so don't ruin your life. The main thing is to let go in time and start living your life.
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Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment
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Should this behavior be encouraged?
The answer is clear: no
! The more a woman feels sorry for her husband, the more he begins to whine. Over time, whiners often fall into bad habits, because alcohol is a way to temporarily forget about life’s disappointments.
By endlessly wasting energy on supporting a person, you yourself will become exhausted and angry. And anger, as we know, leads to quarrels.
A whiner, accustomed to blaming others for everything, will soon begin to blame you too. It doesn’t matter how much care you give him and how much you strive to support him, sooner or later you will still find yourself guilty of his troubles.
A strong man will be ashamed if he evokes pity from his wife. A person who takes advantage of your pity is unlikely to be decisive and independent.
Another problem for couples in which the man has a tendency to whine is the lack of sex life. After all, a woman begins to perceive her partner as a boy who needs to be taken care of, while in the eyes of the whiner she herself turns into a mother, and not into a passionate lover.
One of the mistakes women make when dealing with whiners is competing in complaints. The logic is simple: “Are you all bad? And look at my problems." This kind of behavior in relationships usually ends badly.
How to stop a man from being a whiner?
Here are some tips from psychologists for those who want to retrain their partner to whine:
- You are a woman, and you must show your husband that you are weaker than him. If he starts to whine, say that you are very sorry, but you cannot help, because you have less strength and cannot cope with such difficulties. This behavior lets a man know that he must solve problems on his own and not rely on you.
- Ask how your spouse plans to solve problems. Support him, but don't feel sorry for him. “I know you are strong and you can handle it” - support. “Of course, they are all to blame, you can’t fix anything” - pity.
- Share your joy with him, praise him for his positivity. Let him know that happiness attracts you much more than endless sadness.
- Listen to him. Maybe he is really in poor health and should see a doctor? If he complains about your actions, then think - what if you really are not always right in your behavior?
- Nothing helps? Ignore. Don’t be fooled by provocations, don’t keep talking about how bad everything is. Your partner will soon realize that sharing complaints with you is useless.
Whiners are one of the most dangerous male psychotypes. They know how to hurt their loved ones and skillfully use it. And if you can’t rehabilitate a whining man, maybe it’s time to say goodbye to him and start living for yourself?
The danger of whining: How to get rid of a whiner
✅Psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich writes about why he believes that whining is a harmful virus. If you are often told that you are a whiner, then perhaps this article is for you.
The Small Academic Dictionary tells us that whining is an action in the second meaning of the verb “whining.” What is this meaning? And here it is: “It’s annoying to complain about anything.”
The definition is not bad, but it misses an important point - how and where does a simple complaint turn into an annoying one? Why is this happening? Here is my version - a complaint becomes a whining when there is no chance of improving the situation.
Psychologist's opinion: What is whining?
If a person comes to you and starts complaining about life, then you can help him - at least by listening. Social support has the most beneficial effect on us. When we feel accepted, the dark colors at least fade. After half an hour or an hour, the complaint resolves - because the person feels better.
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And in the best case scenario, you proposed some solution, the person perked up and rushed to implement it.
Not so with whining. Listening only intensifies it, your counterpart does not accept any suggestions, advice or recommendations - and now you have been listening to essentially the same thing for three hours in a row.
So, it is precisely the impossibility of constructiveness that turns a normal complaint into an annoying whining.
What is the danger of whining?
It is important to understand: when a person whines, he causes serious harm to himself and everyone around him who encounters his whining.
First, such a person focuses on a state that is useful only in small quantities. In large doses, focus on the state leads a person to lose vigor of spirit and body.
Secondly, whining deprives a person of control over the situation , and the lack of such control has an extremely detrimental effect on health.
As a result, a person undermines both his own and others’ health. In fact, communicating with a whining person is the same as being in the same room with a desperate flu patient. The chances of getting infected are the same.
Why do people whine?
I have no scientific data on this topic, so this will only be an assumption.
First, whining provides a legitimate topic of conversation. Scolding the weather, exchange rates and the carelessness of utility workers is a win-win topic. Everyone will agree, everyone will agree, no one will say a word against it.
Secondly, whining is a good way to relieve a person from cognitive dissonance - there is no need to do anything, because everything is useless because of evil barbers and cyclists (or reptilians and Anunnaki, whoever likes what you prefer).
There is no need to correct the situation, there is no need to develop, there is no need to overcome difficulties - you can blame everything on others and continue to consider yourself a good, successful, wonderful person. No cognitive dissonance.
When can you try to stop whining?
Here you need to show some care. Watch the person: if, as the conversation progresses, the emotional intensity begins to subside, if the face brightens, it means that the person complained to you and your attention to the person has already helped him.
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It’s even better if the person directly asked you for a recommendation or advice. And it’s even better if the person asks you clarifying questions to better understand your proposal. It’s absolutely great if he thought about how to implement all this and after a while switched to another topic (or willingly accepted your switch).
If a person does not feel better from listening to you, if he repeats the same thing over and over again, returning for the fifth or sixth visit, then we are not faced with a benign complaint, but a malignant whining.
How to stop whining?
First, don't reinforce. That is, do not feed the person with your attention. When a person realizes that you are “switched off” by his whining, after a while he will stop whining to you.
You can sometimes “switch off” in the literal sense of the word - leave the room (“I have business to do”), interrupt a telephone conversation (“The battery is low”), or even say directly, that’s enough about this, I don’t want to continue this conversation.
Of course, the last option is quite harsh (and not for everyone), but you can always find something less harsh.
Second, ask action-oriented questions. “What can be done?”, “What are your options?”, “What have you already tried?” and so on. The more action-oriented a person is, the less he whines - he has no time. Of course, a person may not succumb to your provocations and continue to whine with concentration... Well, then use the first option - do not reinforce the whining.
How to stop whining yourself?
See the previous section - do not reinforce your whining and focus on actions.
If you find yourself whining, stop. Drink water (your mouth will be busy) and/or leave the contact (listeners will disappear).
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If you feel that whining may begin, think about actions . What can be done? How can I improve the situation? Where to write, who to call, who to involve in solving the problem, where to get information about possible steps? And so on and so forth.
In general, less words - more action. Published by econet.ru.
Author Pavel Zygmantovich
on the topic of the article here
PS And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
Source: https://econet.ru/articles/opasnost-nytya-kak-otvadit-ot-sebya-nytika
