There is not a single couple in the world who has not quarreled at least once. Everyone quarrels, parents among themselves, parents with children, relatives, friends, loved ones, colleagues, children and adults, young and old. Conflicts arise for a variety of reasons - from completely seemingly innocent ones to truly serious ones. To avoid such troubles, you need to try very hard, since there are many reasons for them. And it’s worth starting with finding out why people conflict with each other.
What to do
Frequent quarrels are, in principle, the norm. This means that people are not indifferent to each other. And if your partner still remains with you, despite systematic abuse, then this says a lot.
Don't bring up the past
If you have already tried to do this, you probably noticed how you began to overreact to moments that were somehow connected with the past, although before you lived and didn’t think about anything.
They say correctly: the less you know, the better you sleep. Forget about what happened before you and don’t be interested in it, and you won’t have any jealousy, “troubles,” or other “headaches.” This person is already with you. What else is needed?
Don't leave issues unresolved
It would seem that sometimes it is better to simply end a quarrel, bringing it to a “no” with silence or assent. Indeed, this can be done, and life is much calmer. However, this only applies to those cases when you will not return to these situations again.
If you would like to subsequently exclude such actions from your partner, then it is worth talking.
But this also needs to be done correctly:
- talk about what made you nervous: “I was unpleasant when you...”;
- ask, if possible, not to do this again: “Don’t do this again, please, don’t make me nervous”;
- offer an alternative (what a person should do so that it does not cause negative emotions in you).
Important!
Don’t forget the proverb “If you love to ride, love to carry a sled.” This means that you cannot constantly ask without giving something in return. This can be expressed in gratitude, pleasant words, care, tenderness and willingness to respond to the partner’s requests.
Forget the words “You must/must!”
Nobody owes you anything. You are an accomplished person with arms, legs and brains. Even your own parents don't owe you anything. Take it for granted. A person helps - good, no - well, okay, so you can handle it yourself.
A very simple solution is to replace the words “You should/must” with “I would be pleased if you...”. Believe me, the effect will be completely different! A person who didn’t even want to do something will most likely meet you halfway.
And don’t forget about the basic rules of ethics - use the word “please” more often.
Lower your expectations and demands
Most often, the reason for frequent quarrels in relationships is that one of the partners demands too much, and the other cannot give it. In this case, it is worth remembering once again that there are no ideal people. Therefore, there is no need to try to change a person to make you feel comfortable. This is the lot of egoists.
Do you know why calm couples have much less quarrels than you? Because they do not require that boots are constantly out of the way in the hallway - the one who does not like it simply silently removes them himself; they think: if the dishes were not cleared away after dinner, it means that the person did not have the time or mood to do it, well, or he does not bother with it at all.
Don't stop accepting each other
Here are examples of how a person’s worldview changes over time:
- The guy is the “soul” of the company
. He knows a lot of jokes, is always in a good mood, and will support any conversation. At first, for the girl, he is an attractive and charismatic young man who does not want to reveal his problems in front of people. Then, when a couple lives together for a long time, the capricious lady begins to perceive his behavior as “showing off” and carelessness, which is expressed in the fact that the man does not care about everything. As a result, he begins to irritate her, so she begins to “nag” him. - The girl is able to fight back, she is bright and obstinate
. Her partner is attracted to this, he considers this trait special, he says: “Damn it, my cat is showing her claws again!” After a couple of years of marriage, she becomes for him “a bitch who just wants to tame him.”
So why are we doing this... You need to periodically return to those feelings and sensations that arose in you before - at the first stage of the relationship. At a time when you considered all these shortcomings to be advantages that make you smile and say: “Well, yes, that’s how he is - my favorite person.”
Important! If you don’t like something about a person, it’s not his shortcoming, but your whim. What irritates you may be attractive to other people.
Learn to quarrel correctly
So, the quarrel begins. What does each of the interlocutors often do? He begins to defend his innocence. Moreover, not in the most friendly tone. This kind of conversation almost never leads anywhere.
There are ways to make conflict more productive. To do this you need:
- speak only calmly;
- if you see that the interlocutor is heated, say that you will not talk to him in such a tone, it is better to wait until you both “move away”;
- there is no need to prove your opinion, but you need to voice it and support it with facts and arguments;
- you should not interrupt your partner, as this often irritates and leads to a bad reaction;
- remember: it is better to remain silent than to yell and offend your interlocutor.
Control what is said
During a quarrel with a girl or guy, do you like to get excited and say a bunch of nasty things? Then don't be surprised if your relationship deteriorates.
The fact is that no matter how much you later deny that it was said out of spite, your significant other will remember all those offensive words for a long time.
After this, a cooling towards the person often occurs, because we all want to be idolized, not humiliated.
Know how to ask
This point is very important, since, most often, this is where the “dog is buried.” Look at yourself from the outside. How do you talk? Would you like it if someone talked to you the same way? It is not a fact that the answers to these questions will satisfy you.
Know how to admit to yourself if, indeed, there are complaints, instructions, etc. from your side.
If this is your case, then remember:
Start communicating with your significant other the way you would like to be communicated with. See how much your relationship will change! And almost as soon as you start to succeed!
The most important thing is to be gentle. No one likes it when the conversation contains complaints, reproaches, direct criticism, etc.
Here are examples of what was said with the same meaning, but in different words:
- Badly:
“How do you cook? Well, there’s always plenty of salt! It’s impossible to eat!”
Fine:
Can I ask you to add less salt next time? Please use less salt – I think it will be even tastier!”
- Badly:
“You are so lazy that you can’t even babysit!”
Fine:
“Couldn’t you babysit the child? In the meantime, I would do some things. And by the evening I won’t be so tired, well, you know what I mean...”
Learn to accept refusals. If you receive a “no” in response to your request, try to understand the person why he did it. Perhaps he feels bad, promised to meet/help a friend, is simply tired, or even believes that this is not his responsibility - all these are NORMAL explanations.
If they do not suit you, either accept it or try to act cunningly. For example:
- If your wife has stopped taking care of herself
, tell her how beautiful she was before, especially in that outfit and with that hairstyle, and as soon as she “works magic” on herself, admire her appearance, give a lot of compliments. - Also in the case of a man
: not everyone considers it normal to help his wife around the house. However, you can involve him in this too. For example, when rolling out dough for dumplings, ask him to help you. You need to base your request on the fact that you are so bad at it, and it’s a little hard for you, but he – so strong and “handy” – will definitely help you make perfect dumplings!
In the end, I would like to wish every reader to start applying these tips in their lives. There is no need to be afraid to make concessions, because this is not a weakness, but a strength, a talent that anyone can acquire!
And one more thing: before you pack your things after another quarrel, think about whether you will really be fine without this person? Is the reason why the quarrel occurs so significant? Is she worthy of your nerves?
Video: How to quarrel so that you don't quarrel anymore
In our lives, conflicts and misunderstandings often occur, in which people cannot restrain their own emotions and find a compromise. Let's figure out why people quarrel and how to competently get out of this situation. Conflicts of interests occur in different areas of life: at work, at home and in relationships with friends. A person has a wild desire to be understood and accepted, so he usually “foams at the mouth” to prove that he is right.
Why do people fight?
Various kinds of conflicts can occur not only as a result of a violent temperament, because not all people have such a character trait as irascibility. Sometimes daily stress at work or depression associated with personal life undermine a person’s nervous system. Then a critical moment comes - the so-called when we cannot control ourselves and lash out at the people around us, who, as a rule, do not deserve it. In this situation, a person simply needs rest. The best solution is a vacation, a trip to warm countries. If this is not possible, you need to devote at least one day to yourself: turn off all phones and do what you love, for example, drawing, watching movies or playing sports. As a rule, people quarrel when their patience is full, so in a tense state a person can be enraged by a completely ordinary question or phrase from the interlocutor. After quality rest, the aggression should go away, otherwise you will have to seek help from a specialist who will prescribe a harmless sedative.
Why do people fight? Conflicts between parents and children
The most common situation is misunderstanding in the family. This problem is especially relevant when communicating with children of adolescence, when any manifestation of care and attention is perceived by them as an intrusive interference in their personal life. During this period, children think that they can do everything themselves and do not need the support of loved ones at all. And the colossal hormonal changes in the body excite the nervous system, making a person hot-tempered, aggressive and emotional. In some families, parents are completely unable to cope with the violent character of the boy, and sometimes it comes to the point that in a fit of anger they kick their beloved child out of the house. This is a huge mistake. You need to overcome yourself and give the child the right to independence. Let him make important decisions in his life, learning from his own mistakes. This is extremely difficult to do, but this is the only way to become your children’s best friend.
Why do people fight? Disagreements with the other half
Each of us has had a love relationship with an unhappy ending. Most romances end due to conflicts and rejection of each other. Here everyone has the same reason: they didn’t get along in character. But then the emotionality passes, the relationship is forgotten, and the question remains open: why do people quarrel? In this case, there are a great many reasons, including dissatisfaction of an intimate nature, fear of obligations, and excessive demands. The only thing we can say with absolute certainty is that all these qualities are not inherent in true, selfless love. If it is impossible to find a compromise, a common denominator, then there is no point in tormenting each other, trying for many years to remake yourself and your partner.
Well, here we are again quarreling with our loved one. Once again, anger, anger, and frustration are overwhelmed. No, why does he argue all the time?! After all, what he says is sheer nonsense! And in general we are right, we are right in everything! But he doesn’t! And no nails! None! None... But the quarrel happened with a loved one, and not with the guy in line... And my soul is restless. You don’t want to make trouble with someone you love. With them you only dream of tenderness and affection. So? So! This means that we must somehow maintain the relationship and make peace. How to do it right?
Training session “Why do people quarrel, or how to get out of conflict without losses.”
Topic: “Why do people quarrel, or how to get out of a conflict without losses.”
Goals
To develop students’ ability to understand the causes of conflicts and ways to resolve them.
Tasks:
- Teach schoolchildren to control their state of anger, irritability and aggressive behavior, familiarize them with ways to resolve conflicts without violence.
- Teach appropriate behavior when resolving conflicts.
- Develop self-control, develop the ability to foresee the consequences of your actions.
Lesson “Why do people quarrel,
or out of conflict without losses”
Objectives:
- introduce the concept of “conflict”;
- determine the characteristics of behavior in a conflict situation;
- teach ways to get out of a conflict situation;
Progress of the lesson
I. _ Greetings. Emotional mood.
Exercise “I’m glad to communicate with you”
One student extends his hand to one of the guys with the words: “I’m glad to communicate with you.” The one to whom the hand was extended, takes it and extends his free hand to the other, saying the same words. So gradually, along the chain, everyone joins hands, forming a circle.
Exercise “Our mood”
Participants are given leaves with squares and are asked to color the first square with any color.
The proposed colors roughly correspond to the following emotional and energetic states:
red – energetic;
yellow – joyful;
blue – calm;
green – bored;
brown – closed;
black gloomy.
This test will allow you to determine the mood of students before and after class and show the emotional state of the children.
Warm-up exercise “Sharing the good.”
Students talk about their mood at the moment and express their wishes for the training participants about how they want them to have this day.
II . Introduction to the topic of the lesson
Today in class we will talk about the causes of conflicts and ways to resolve them.
The topic of our lesson: “Conflicts in our lives.”
- Indian fairy tale.
Conflicts are as old as time. People have always tried to understand the world and each other. Sometimes it's difficult because not everyone sees problems the same way. Listen to an Indian fairy tale and try to determine the reason for the mistake of the sages.
The sage and the elephant.
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived in a small town six blind wise men. One day an elephant was brought into the city. The sages wanted to see him. But how? “I know,” said one wise man, “we will feel it.” “Good idea,” said others, “then we will know what kind of elephant he is.” So six people went to see the elephant. The first one felt the large flat ear. It slowly moved forward and backward. “An elephant looks like a fan!” shouted the sage. The second sage touched the elephant's feet. “He looks like a tree!” he exclaimed. “You’re both wrong,” said the third, “it looks like a rope.” This man felt the elephant's tail. “An elephant looks like a spear,” exclaimed the fourth. “No, no,” shouted the fifth, “an elephant is like a high wall!” He said this while feeling the elephant's side. The sixth sage tugged the elephant's tail. “You are all wrong,” he said, “an elephant looks like a snake.” “No rope!” - "Snake!" - "You are wrong!" - I'm right!" Six blind men shouted at each other for an hour. And they never knew what an elephant looked like.
- Why did the wise men never know what an elephant looks like? (Parents can also answer.)
Each person could only imagine what his hands could feel. As a result, everyone thinks that he has discovered the truth and knows what an elephant is like, no one wanted to listen to what others had to say.
They had a conflict based on differences in perception.
2) Were the wise men actually wise?
3) How could wise men know what an elephant really looks like? The presence of another side.
III .
Introduction to the concept of “conflict”
- Conversation. (2nd slide – definition of the word “conflict”, conflict structure)
Teacher.
Explain what “conflict” means?
Students.
A conflict is a situation in which two or more people do not want to give in to each other and cannot find a common solution.
Teacher.
A conflict is a clash of opinions, interests, choices that could arise between people or groups of people. (The teacher writes the definition on the board.)
Exercise "Associations"
Unfinished sentences on the topic “Why do conflicts occur?”
Psychologist. Raise your hands, who has ever been involved in a conflict situation?
(Children raise their hands.)
Let's remember why your conflict situation arose. What was the cause of this particular conflict? To do this, I suggest you complete the sentence written on the board: “The reason for the conflict was that...”
(Children raise their hands and speak out.)
Psychologist. As we see, conflicts arise for a variety of reasons, but the reasons are similar for everyone: mismatch of goals, desires, assessments, disrespect for others, inability to communicate.
IV . Getting to know the characteristics of behavior in conflict
And in conflict, each person behaves differently. Now we will see this by completing the exercises and choose the most acceptable way of behavior.
Exercise “Unclench your fist.”
One clenches his hand into a fist, the other tries to unclench it (you cannot cause pain). Then the partners change roles. The non-force methods that were used are discussed: persuasion, request, cunning.
Exercise “Meeting on the Bridge”
Exercise “Count of Monte Cristo”
One of the students (at will or randomly) is appointed “Count of Monte Cristo.” Now we will all stand in a circle and hold hands. This circle is the prison on the island of If. “The Count of Monte Cristo” will stand inside the circle. His task is to escape from prison. He can use any techniques (persuasion, cunning, physical strength). But you cannot insult the players in the circle and cause them harm. When the “count” breaks free, he himself stands in the circle, and in his place inside the circle we will choose a new “count”.
— What emotions did you experience?
— Was there a feeling of tension and irritation?
— Did you feel a pre-conflict situation?
— What helped to avoid conflict?
Theoretical part. Familiarity with different styles of behavior in conflict situations, their pros and cons.
"Competition"
- This is a “hard type of resolution of conflicts and disputes.”
You stand your ground until the last moment, defending your position. At all costs, you strive to win. This is the type of person who always thinks he is right. type
is a power strategy of the target, the conflict is resolved by winning only for oneself (dominance).
Focusing only on one’s own interests and ignoring the interests of one’s partner, that is, the desire to achieve one’s interests to the detriment of the other.
Advantages:
negative emotions do not accumulate; suitable for extreme situations.
Flaws:
the conflict is not resolved fairly; constant conflict with everyone
"Cooperation"
- This is a “democratic” style.
You are of the opinion that it is always possible to reach an agreement. During a dispute, you try to offer an alternative, look for solutions that would satisfy both sides. type
is a wise bird, values both goals and relationships, openly defines positions and exit routes in joint work to achieve goals, strives to find solutions that satisfy all participants (cooperation).”
Advantages:
fair, final resolution of the conflict.
Flaws:
It’s difficult to be an “owl” because you have to think not only about yourself, but also about others.
"Compromise"
- This is a “compromise” style.
From the very beginning you agree to compromise. Compromise is a concession in opinions or actions on both sides. By and on the basis of mutual concessions, a resolution of conflicting provisions between the parties is achieved. Can also mean mutual agreement. an agreement between representatives of different points of view and interests based on mutual concessions.
Type
“Fox” is a strategy of cunning compromise; with good relationships, it achieves its goals (compromise).
Advantages:
quick resolution of the conflict, but not always fair.
Flaws:
people may become dissatisfied
"Device"
- “soft” style.
You destroy your opponent with kindness. You readily take the enemy’s point of view and abandon your own. type
is smoothing corners: such people love to be understood and appreciated, for which they sacrifice success (compliance).
Advantages:
Relationships between people are preserved.
Flaws:
conflicts are not resolved, accumulate and return again
"Evasion"
- “outgoing” style. Your credo is “leave on time.” You try not to aggravate the situation, not to bring the conflict to an open clash.”
Type
“Turtle” - going under the shell, refusing to achieve goals and participating in relationships with other participants, one of the options for self-sufficiency (avoidance).
Advantages:
this is “safe style in danger”; A person does not create conflicts himself.
Flaws:
the conflict is not resolved and may arise after some time.
Now you know what styles of behavior exist in conflict.
Teacher.
How do we feel when faced with conflict?
Students.
Irritation, anger, resentment, depression, fear, anger.
Teacher.
In your life, you probably... Faced conflicts. Conflict situations. Describe them and how you felt.
(Children give examples from their lives.)
Judging by your answers, you experienced negative emotions, mainly anger, irritation, and resentment. Could the conflict have been avoided? How?
Students.
Probably possible. I had to talk to this person, or leave, and after a while, when I calmed down, go up to him and talk calmly, perhaps he was right, not me. (But there may be another answer.)
Teacher.
In other words, it was necessary not to get angry and shout (or even rush to fight), but to remain calm. What does it mean?
Students.
Listen carefully to the other person, do not shout, speak calmly, without raising your voice, do not insult your interlocutor, perhaps give in to him in something.
The teacher writes on the board:
Keeping calm means:
Treat others with respect, listen to the other person's point of view to the end.
Control yourself! Don't let anger or fear of violence overcome you.
Speak quietly, do not insult.
Give the other person a chance to back down.
To restrain yourself, for example, it is better to leave, apologizing.
Compromise (give in on something).
Use humor whenever possible.
What is the harm of such conflicts?
- Firstly, human dignity suffers from conflicts.
- Secondly, for every minute of conflict there are 20 minutes of subsequent experiences.
- Thirdly, physical health suffers - nerves, heart, and blood vessels are affected.
V. Workshop. Ways to prevent conflicts
Psychologist. Like diseases, conflicts are better prevented than cured. Now we will learn to prevent conflict situations. There are many ways to do this. We will look at the two most common ones. The first way to prevent conflict is through gentle confrontation. Soft opposition is a strong objection expressed in a mild form. This way you can defend your position without offending the other person. The second method is called a “constructive proposal”. This is an attempt to find a compromise, that is, a solution that could suit everyone. Let's look at specific situations.
Soft confrontation
Psychologist. You don’t like that your desk neighbor never brings textbooks to school and uses yours. Give him a gentle confrontation. Try to gently hint him about this.
(The psychologist gives the floor to children who want to speak. If there are no volunteers, you can invite the children sitting in the front row to speak. Each student, without getting up from his seat, must address his neighbor by name and express his complaints (in the most friendly manner possible). Not It's scary that all the children will say the same words. It is important that they find the right intonation - dignity and firmness in a soft form.)
Example phrases:
- Dima, I don’t want to quarrel, but I really don’t like it when others use my things.
- Sasha, don’t be offended, but these are my textbooks, and it’s more convenient for me to use them alone.
And so on.
Constructive proposal
Psychologist. You are very good at soft confrontation. How can you avoid conflicts in this situation with the help of a constructive proposal?
(Children speak out in the same way as in the previous case.)
Sample answers from children:
- Lena, it seems unfair to me that I’m the only one who carries textbooks to school, let’s do it one by one. Then no one will be offended.
- I understand, Anya, how difficult it is to carry a portfolio full of books to school. Now there are briefcases on wheels and with a retractable handle, like suitcases. Maybe you can ask your parents for one for New Year or for your birthday?
Psychologist. Gentle confrontation and constructive suggestions are two behaviors that can help you prevent conflict and maintain your dignity.
Therefore, it is imperative to learn how to prevent conflicts.
First of all, you should never use prohibited techniques - this is a phrase like: “Come on!”, “What do you understand!”, “You seem to be a smart person, but you’re talking such nonsense!”
On the contrary, words simply have a magical effect: “it seems to me,” “maybe I’m wrong,” “maybe you’ll agree with me,” etc.
Correct behavior during conflict will preserve your health and make not only you, but also others, calmer and happier.
I suggest doing a role play. You have received some ways to resolve the conflict. Let's put them into practice.
(The class is divided into three groups. Each group must find a way out of the conflict situation, which is written on a piece of paper. The guys work for 3 minutes.)
Micro skits:
- Dad scolds his daughter for coming home late from a walk, although she promised to come on time...
- You don’t like that your desk neighbor never brings textbooks to school and uses yours...
- You are very funny in class. The teacher gives you a reprimand. You make excuses (with a smile)
VI . Reflection
Final word
Discussion “Can we do without conflicts?
Why?" Exercise “What does it look like?”
Psychologist. It is impossible to live in a society without contradictions; people will always have different views, tastes and preferences. But these contradictions cannot be led to conflicts. To maintain mental, mental and physical health, you need to learn how to prevent conflicts, and if a conflict has already flared up, you need to be able to get out of it.
Summing up (reflection)
Psychologist. What impression did the lesson leave? Have you gained more confidence in your abilities? Do you have a desire to use ways to prevent and resolve conflicts?
VII . Ritual of farewell
Exercises “I want to wish you...”
Students are asked to pass the candle from hand to hand, continuing the phrase: “I want to wish you...” The psychologist takes the candle in his hands with the phrase: “I want to wish all of you that there are fewer conflicts in your life, and if they arise, they fade away like this candle" (puts out the candle).
How to make peace with your loved one after a quarrel
A quarrel with a loved one is a very unpleasant and painful thing. Of course, you want to make peace as quickly as possible and drive away the tension in the air. But let's not rush. Let's do something, trying in the meantime to look at ourselves from the outside, putting ourselves in the place of our loved one and soberly assessing the situation. It is necessary to accept his right to his own point of view. Otherwise, if we approach him with the words: “Stop arguing, but I’m still right!”, the second stage of the quarrel will begin. But that’s not what we need!
In order to restore peace in a relationship, you don’t have to start proving that you’re right again. Because “either no one is right or everyone is right.” Even if a problem really exists, it should be discussed when both are in a favorable emotional state. And discuss the problem, not each other’s personality. At the same time, we cannot assume that we are always right and the man is always wrong. Like, a woman knows better. In this case, quarrels with your loved one will become regular. Because each person sees the solution to some issue in his own way. And his point of view has a right to exist.
It’s better to start a truce with the words: “It’s very hard for me when we quarrel! Let's not do it again! Our task is to improve relationships, and not to emerge victorious from a most often meaningless battle. If your loved one continues to sulk and does not make contact, you should wait. Well, we’ve already cooled down, but he hasn’t yet! Let's give him time. Let him go. For us, the main thing is to learn to listen. Let your loved one speak out if he wants. It may very well be that there is some wisdom in his position. Or that the optimal solution to a problem will emerge from two opposing points of view. After all, it is viewed from different angles!
In general, in order for quarrels with a loved one not to be too painful for both us and him, we need to learn how to sort things out correctly. Firstly, you can’t conflict anywhere and anytime. For a quarrel, you need to choose both the time and the place. You should not make a scandal in the presence of strangers, before one of the two leaves for work or study, or during a pleasant vacation. The quarrel must be thought out. When it takes on a logical form, it will be possible to resolve any issue without offending each other needlessly.
If a scandal begins to gain momentum and cross the boundaries of what is reasonable, you should pull yourself together and stop. Nothing good will come from such a “dialogue”. Instead of trying to come to a consensus, it will result in mutual reproaches and insults. Therefore, when we feel that we are losing the ability to think, and our throat begins to constrict with rage, we slow down. We go into another room or go for a walk in the park and gather our thoughts. And only then, calmly, do we begin to discuss the problem again. If necessary.
I must say that often this is really necessary. Hiding dissatisfaction with the actions of a loved one, for fear of destroying the peace of the relationship, remaining silent and enduring is much more dangerous than expressing your complaints to him. Suppressed irritation will sooner or later burst out with a force similar to the force of a volcanic eruption. Then it will be very difficult to control your emotions. And who knows how this storm of anger will end. It is quite possible that it will be a complete disaster.
If a man loves, and we express ourselves kindly and calmly, he will certainly hear us. No, perhaps he will even object, but he will take note. And we will listen to him and also draw conclusions. If we don’t understand something, we ask you to explain it so that there is no misunderstanding in the relationship. And we will try to understand our loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. After all, if a conflict arose, it means that he is also confident in the correctness of his position. There is a possibility that we are wrong! People can be forgiven for making mistakes.
Well, okay, someone will say. Learning to quarrel is half the battle. How to avoid quarrels with your loved one in general? After all, this is almost the most expensive person in the world! Why are we fighting?
Picture of a quarrel with a loved one
Seven main reasons for the most typical serial quarrels.
Reason #1. You (of course, if you are a lady!) or your friend are having “critical days” (not to be confused with a critical program!)
As practice shows, for many girls and women, the stress associated with the approach and onset of menstruation has such a strong impact on the psyche that it leads to a sharp increase in irritability and leads to a series of completely far-fetched quarrels from the “out of nowhere” category.
The solution is simple: If you are a lady, learn to control yourself when IT is about to begin or has already begun. If nothing works out, just try not to see each other these days (under the most plausible excuses). It will be better for both of you!
If you are a man, learn to clearly navigate the monthly cycle of your beloved or spouse (It’s very simple! The entire cycle is 28 days, the duration of critical days is from 3 days to a week. And then again plus 28 days. When THIS starts, you will know for sure! ). And having learned to navigate, try to behave as quiet as water and below the grass these days. Surround your beloved with tenderness and attention. Perhaps this will save you...
Reason #2. Your couple hasn't had sex for too long
Let's not talk about this too much. You probably know:
Sex is one of the best forms of emotional and psychological release for a person! Especially a lover...
So, if you have had a sexual relationship for a long time, but for some reason you have not had sex for more than a week (let alone two or three weeks!), there is nothing strange in the fact that you have started having serial quarrels! That's how it should be. Finally, get down to business!
In general, when dealing with serial quarrels, I always advise starting with sex. And only if you have sex at least three times a week, and the quarrels continue and continue, does it make sense to start looking for other reasons. For example, from the following list.
Reason #3. You haven't seen your partner for a long time
I will write in more detail about this point in the chapter “Quarrel of Meetings.” For now I’ll limit myself to saying:
Serial quarrels often arise due to the accumulated emotional hunger of those partners who have not seen each other for one or two weeks and involuntarily begin to suspect that the other half “could have someone.”
This leads to the fact that people completely involuntarily begin to “test” each other: they provoke many small quarrels with each other in order to bring their partner to tears and hysterics, to quarrel with him (her) so as to then give him (her) the opportunity come with a guilty head, make peace first.
Immediately after you (or he (s)) understand that everything is in order and you (you) are still loved (love), everything settles down and returns to normal.
Reason #4. You've been together for too long and haven't done anything.
Activity is the main difference between living beings and all nonliving things. Can you imagine your dog or cat (especially young ones), or some tiger, antelope or kangaroo just eating, going to the toilet and doing nothing for a whole week? Of course, this does not happen and cannot be! But some people naively believe that by routinely spending a week together in front of the TV or on the couch, they will greatly strengthen their love or family relationships. Of course they are wrong!
Accumulated physical and emotional energy always requires release.
Serial quarrels are one of the options for such detente!
So, I strongly advise you: If you start quarreling too often, think: “What joint active activities have you and your partner had over the past weeks?” And if you haven’t gone out to public places for a long time, haven’t wandered along the embankment or haven’t gone out of town, urgently compensate for this with some energetic actions.
Shake yourself up physically - release yourself emotionally! Serial quarrels will immediately become much less!
Reason #5. You have accumulated unspoken claims against each other.
Another reason for serial quarrels is the intense efforts of both partners to suppress all current quarrels as much as possible, not to allow them to reach any dangerous severity. As a result of this, people cannot simply “finish the argument,” throw out the negative energy of the argument, or discharge themselves emotionally. But, most importantly, they cannot fully understand each other’s position; without understanding these positions, they cannot restructure their behavior.
Premature winding down, breaking off, or “rounding off” a quarrel is fraught with the fact that partners still cannot understand how exactly they should behave in order to avoid new quarrels.
By shutting themselves and each other up without discharging, the partners remind me of soldiers who are given a box of cartridges with the condition that they shoot it in a month and then hand over the spent cartridges. Being too lazy to go to the shooting range every day, without shooting single shots, in the end, they are then forced to come to the shooting range for a good half day, insert a full clip of cartridges at once and shoot, shoot and shoot in bursts almost to the point of exhaustion...
One of the reasons for your serial quarrels may be nothing more than the absence of single quarrels!
So, try to quarrel without stopping mid-sentence and without preventing each other from coherently expressing their views on you and current situations. It is quite possible that by arguing about once every three to five days, you will avoid serial “queues”!
Reason #6. The status of one of the partners changes
One of the most unpleasant reasons for serial quarrels is a change in the career, social or property status of one of the partners or spouses. Moreover, this is equally unpleasant both in the case of an increase in this status (a higher position, a sharp increase in wages, etc.) and in the case of a decrease in it (especially if a person begins to drink too much or degrades in some other way).
An increase in the status of one partner always objectively leads to a slight decrease in the status of the other partner. Accordingly, a decrease in the status of one partner always objectively leads to some increase in the status of the other. Love or family relationships are always a kind of closed circuit, a system of communicating vessels, where the slightest change in the status of one person immediately directly affects the status of the other...
Keep in mind:
Both an increase and a decrease in the status of the first partner always hurts the pride of the second. In the first case, he (s) begins to envy and feels his dependence and “inferiority”; in the second, he begins to think that he may well lay claim to something better...
There is only one way out: to demonstrate your tolerance, to love, the more successful partner must try to pull up the less fortunate, and the less fortunate must make an effort to pull himself up. Unfortunately, there are no other opportunities for partners to put out serial quarrels and stay together...
More details about this situation in my book “The Anatomy of Cheating.”
Reason #7. You have different speeds of mental and mental reactions
Well, and, perhaps, the most common reason for serial quarrels of three to five quarrels within one or two days is simply that partners have different speeds of mental and mental reactions, different speeds of processing information received during the initial quarrel, different speeds of decision-making . As they say, different rates of “heating” and “cooling”. Scientifically speaking, different characters and temperaments, different speeds of excitation and relaxation reactions.
The best publications in the Econet.ru Telegram channel. Subscribe!
Why do we quarrel with our loved ones?
In general, quarrels usually occur between people who care about each other. If a person is uninteresting, he cannot do anything to offend you. What difference does it make what and how they are told or done? Even if we are caught up in this, it is unlikely that the conflict will be too violent. Well, let's argue, well, make a remark and calm down. Because he is an outsider. Passing. Another thing is a loved one. Our thoughts, desires, dreams are connected with it. Whether willingly or unwillingly, all of his actions and words, even the most innocent ones, are noticed. And something, of course, touches a nerve. After all, the beloved is very close, right next to the heart. It is quite natural that some awkward movement of his causes, if not pain, then discomfort. Because it concerns us.
A quarrel with a loved one is an indicator that in a relationship, for its further development, the time has come to solve some problem. There is no point in avoiding it. Otherwise, the problem will grow to global proportions. How it will be resolved then, who knows. If you resolve the brewing conflict at the very beginning, everything will fall into place. People are imperfect, and each may be dissatisfied with something in the behavior of another. But we don’t know how to read other people’s thoughts. Consequently, we cannot know what someone is not happy with about us unless he says it himself. Well, when a neighbor, passer-by, or colleagues don’t like something, that’s okay. You won't be nice to everyone. But when to a loved one, this is already a serious question. Because if you don’t do anything and don’t try to change, you can lose it.
In principle, clarifying relationships helps people get to know each other better and improve. However, quarrels are only useful when there really is love. If it is doubtful, it is better not to worry yourself and go in different directions. Why empty scandals that will lead nowhere anyway? There are enough difficulties in life without them. Well, what if there is love, but quarrels happen too often? This means that we are too hot-tempered and conflict over trifles.
In this case, it would be advisable to work on yourself. And learn, when you feel tension in communication with your loved one, to internally agree with him. Even if, in our opinion, he is wrong. Then, when the tension subsides, we will discuss this issue. In the meantime, the main task is to avoid a quarrel. Well, when we couldn’t do without it, let’s not yell at each other in two voices at the same time. Let's let the man speak, and then we'll start squealing about our own. So, at least, you can hear something and be at least partly heard.
There is a good technique, the use of which helps to avoid any special conflicts. It is enough to come up with some kind of code word and agree with your loved one to pronounce it as soon as you want to make a row. Let it be a word: “giraffe”, “felt boot”, “umbrella”, “rocket”... Whatever. The main thing is to perceive it as a signal that it’s time to let off steam. Said a couple of times before the start of a conflict, this word will eventually turn into a kind of lightning rod.
Well, in general, of course, in order to reduce the number of quarrels to a minimum, you need to determine what their causes are. Perhaps this is a desire to change someone else or a desire to eliminate bad habits, mistrust, or resentment from a partner. All this does not necessarily result in a heated argument. A quarrel can also manifest itself as a painful silence. That's not what's important. The important thing is that two loving people cannot normally discuss the issues that undermine the foundation of a happy relationship. This should be learned. Love is a rare gift, it must be protected. It would be a shame if she disappeared due to some misunderstandings.
In general, quarrels with a loved one are the norm if people try to understand each other and take the opposite point of view. Only the unity of male and female worldviews can find a solution to any problem, no matter how complex it may be. And only such unity opens the true path to happiness.
From DA
30.08.2018 20:05
"; $(html).insertAfter(this); (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || ).push({}); } i++; }) } } }) function images_share(elm){ var url = $(elm).find(“.fb-like”).data(“href”); var title = $(elm).find(“.post_content_text”).children(“h2”).text(); var desc = $(elm).find(“.short_description_of_post”).text(); $(elm).find(“.post_in_image”).each(function(){ $(this).wrap(function(){ return “
"+$(this).text()+"
"; }); }) $(elm).find(“.post_image”).each(function(){ $(this).append(“
"); $(this).hover(function() { $(this).find(“.soc_image”).animate({“margin-right”:”1%”},200); }, function() { $( this).find(“.soc_image”).animate({“margin-right”:”-192px”},200); }) }) } function ads_comed(elm){ var html = “”; var k=0; $(elm).find(“.post_in_image”).each(function(){ if(k%3==0){ $(html).insertAfter(this); (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || ).push ({}); } k++; }) }
The contents of this Site, such as articles, text, graphics, images and other materials posted on this Site (“Content”), are for informational purposes only. No representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, are made with respect to the Content provided on this Site as to its completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability or availability for any purpose. Any use of the Content is at your own risk. The Content should not be construed as professional legal, medical, financial, family, risk management, or any other professional advice. If you require any specific advice, please consult a licensed professional who is an expert in the relevant field. The Publisher is not responsible for any injury or damage to the reader that may result from the reader acting on or using the Content contained on this Site. . Full or partial copying of site materials without the consent of the editors is prohibited.
What is love? Why do we destroy our relationships ourselves? What is the main cause of family conflicts? How to regain affection, trust, intimacy and stop quarreling over trifles? Clinical psychology professor Sue Johnson answers these questions in her book, Hold Me Tight. And this is what she says.
Many people believe that an adult must be self-sufficient and independent. The image of an invulnerable and undaunted warrior who alone stands in the way of life’s dangers and adversities has been cultivated in society for too long.
But do not underestimate the role of love and reliable, trusting relationships with loved ones. The need for a strong emotional connection is embedded in our genes and bodies. It is as important to life, happiness and health as food, safety or sex.
We need support. To deny this is reckless and even dangerous. Research shows that a secure and strong relationship with a loved one makes us happier and healthier, strengthens our self-confidence, increases our self-esteem, reduces stress and improves our ability to cope with challenges.
People often do not see or understand that the lion's share of quarrels and conflicts is, in fact, a protest of partners against emotional disconnection. When engaged in battle, men and women seem to ask each other: “Can I rely on you? Are you with me? Do I mean anything to you? Do you value me? Do you accept? Do you need me? Do you trust me?"
All the anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to reach loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Return the emotional response and restore the previous feeling of safe intimacy.
Sometimes our feelings are hurt by some little thing. For example, a lover did not answer the call, forgot to tell about an event that was significant to him, or came home late from work. The fact is that we can perceive such actions as a manifestation of indifference and alienation of a loved one, and this, according to scientists, causes us no less acute pain than a serious physical injury.
As a rule, instead of describing our emotions, explaining to our partner why his behavior alarmed us, and asking for support, we begin to find fault with him and shower him with reproaches. After all, no one likes to admit their own weakness.
Why do people fight
Quarrels most often arise due to the fact that people feel that they are being ignored, are not valued and do not want to be heard and understood.
When they feel bad, it’s hard, they’re tired and exhausted, when they need support so much, but they still can’t get it, they sincerely don’t understand why those around them don’t notice how difficult it is for them to cope alone. what has befallen them and it doesn’t matter that for some this is not a problem. This is a problem for them and they want to be understood and heard. It often happens that they themselves do not ask for sympathy or help, believing that it is easy to guess about it just by looking at them. When this does not happen, conflicts may break out that have nothing to do with what is happening at all. Any reason, the most insignificant, can be the last straw. But the basis of the quarrel will be precisely this hidden resentment, that no one notices how hard it is for a person, no one rushes to help. The one they yell at or make a complaint at may not even understand what he did that was so terrible to cause such a conflict. Therefore, it is important to be able to talk about what worries, offends, worries, and not be shy to ask for support right away. Who else but the one who loves and is nearby will provide it. After all, you don’t have to do anything to do this.
For many women, sympathy and words are enough to understand how difficult it is for her now. True, men are accustomed to responding to complaints by taking actions that they think should help. It is difficult for them to do nothing, and women are sometimes unable to understand this and are offended that instead of words of support, he is going to go and put the boss who offended her in his place. And a quarrel already arises, because the woman did not say what exactly she needs from the man, and he does not understand why all his offers for specific help are rejected, and she again gets upset.
Where love has faded away, or it never existed at all, if one of the partners tries to say or ask for something, they do not understand him or her and do not want to realize how important it is for him or her to be heard. It is not surprising when such indifference hurts. Anyone who does not find time for loved ones, brushes aside their requests, words, suggestions, or tries to calm them down with some general phrases, instead of taking them by the hand and saying that they are ready to hear why it’s hard for them, is doomed to constantly sort things out with those who is nearby.
Because such behavior makes people feel flawed, bad, like those who others do not respect or appreciate, do not understand and do not love. And resentment arises because they do not want to consider themselves bad, they do not understand why they are treated this way and what they did to deserve it. This attitude offends not only when it comes from a partner, but also from management, children, parents, relatives, and friends. And even if a person remains silent for a long time, trying not to say anything and somehow survive what is happening, a moment will still come when he gets tired of being good all the time, trying to earn someone’s recognition, and he will arrange a debriefing.
It’s better to sort things out right away. But it’s scary, because after that you need to make a decision: either break up with someone who is so deaf, blind and used to having everything only for him, or accept him as he is, without reacting anymore. But as they say, most people still hope that after a quarrel something will change, the person will hear them, realize that it is impossible to behave this way, and when this does not happen, out of fear of making a decision, they continue to quarrel further. Due to the fact that it will never be possible to live peacefully with someone whose behavior does not suit you, neither for a person who has a normal psyche, nor for a neurotic person who is accustomed to suffering.
Every quarrel has a reason. And in order to avoid unnecessary conflicts, it is always important to find it behind the mass of words, tears, rage, resentment and irritation that spill out while trying to express in words what is burning from the inside. If you don’t figure out why such a violent reaction occurs, quarrels will break out again and again.
Development of the conflict
If partners do not try to restore trust, talk sincerely about their feelings and understand each other, then they find themselves in a terrible vicious circle: their reactions provoke even more negative responses and emotions. Relationships become more destructive, resentment and disunity grow.
Researchers identify three destructive behaviors that make the situation worse.
1. "Find the culprit"
- a dead-end pattern that quickly and effectively destroys a love relationship. Partners who embark on this path are guaranteed to distance themselves from each other.
The goal of this behavior pattern is to protect oneself, but all means come down to mutual accusations, attacks and reproaches. The “Find the Blame” pattern could just as easily be called “It’s not me, it’s all you!”
In many couples, this model is activated for a short time. In most cases, "Find the Blame" serves as a brief prelude to the "Negative Dance" - the most common and difficult process of dissociation.
2. "Negative Dance"
One partner in this model criticizes and attacks, while the other defends and withdraws. The stronger the alienation of the second, the more desperate and caustic the verbal attacks of the first.
This pattern of behavior is also called “pursuit-withdrawal” or “criticism-avoidance.” At its core lies a deep problem: partners experience extreme emotional hunger. Both feel left out. And they desperately cry out for attention and care.
Washington University psychologist John Gottman has proven that spouses stuck in this type of behavior have an 80% chance of divorcing within 4-5 years.
3. “Freeze - run”, or “disengagement - suspension”.
This is the last stage, which is often followed by a break in the relationship. Partners who take too long with the “Negative Dance” at some point lose hope and give up. They try to freeze feelings and needs, distance themselves and fall into numbness. Both retreat, fleeing pain and despair.
