My wife doesn't want to live with me. He says I don't earn much.
Author of the question: Anatoly
Any person in difficult times needs support, and most importantly, he counts on it, especially if there are close people next to him! The fact that today the “need for support” is regarded by some as a weakness is the reality of our difficult times, when consumerism has become the norm. This is especially noticeable in your situation! In our lives, such a division of roles in the family is now actively “broadcast”, when someone must provide, and someone can afford to be dependent. I will not say that such a way of life is not our cultural habit, but was introduced from outside. People say that they get used to good things quickly! So in your case, the desire to “live above average” was so well implanted in your consciousness that the correlation of such a desire with opportunities ceased to influence the lives of our people. Hence, large purchases on credit, and, perhaps, unreasonable purchases that simply satisfy our whim in owning something “unnecessary” or not particularly important. But the feeling that “I can afford it too” corrupts our Slavic innate practicality so much that in difficult periods of life we become unable to remember what it is like to “live within our means” and that it is even possible to live like that! Therefore, you probably shouldn’t blame your wife for taking such a “consumerist” approach to your current opportunities to “provide” her and her family with a “decent standard of living in her understanding”! Another thing is that in your family there is no “revision” of the conditions of existence in connection with the changed situation! Either the “right” words for this are not found, or there is no mutual understanding between the speaker and the listener! I'm more inclined towards the second one. And here there can be many reasons: from the “impossibility of accepting the obvious” as a fact and continuing to be in an illusory perception of the world, to a very difficult conclusion to accept - there are no feelings of love and trust between family members and all this time the “family” has relied on your ability to provide it needs and “because everyone has it”! To realize that “love no longer lives here” for you means to recognize the fact that no matter how you continue to try to “satisfy” your wife’s requests for a “house, garden, car” and other “mandatory” attributes, it is “normal” family in her understanding, in fact, this will not change the current situation. Of course, the greatest harm in any outcome will be caused to your children! Moreover, it is not known which of the developments of the situation is greater! If you continue to indulge all your wife’s demands, trying, sometimes at the cost of your own health, to satisfy ever-increasing demands, then this can develop in your children a distorted understanding of reality, and contribute to the development of a “consumer” attitude towards life in them! In addition, the level of “their dissatisfaction” with their position among their peers will be expressed in ever-increasing demands on you to ensure compliance with their status among classmates or comrades. Reconsider your family relationships. Do you already observe manifestations of such an attitude of your children towards you? It seems that your position as a “man who always has to,” at least through your wife’s attitude towards you, may be accepted by your children as the “norm” in relation to men in general. And if your son is growing up, he will “have” to implement such an attitude in his family, and if a daughter is growing up, then she will “demand” such behavior from her husband. So, you can evaluate the possible consequences of your relationship with your wife and from the point of view of “benefit or harm” for your children whom you love! I cannot say that leaving the family would be the best thing in this case! But perhaps such a decision can change the relationship between members of your family for the “better”. Sometimes, to understand “what you have” you need to lose it! In any case, the solution you write about – hanging yourself – is not a solution at all! Because then the children you love so much will “remain deeply traumatized” not only by the current situation that is developing in your family, but also by the feeling of guilt from the inability to change everything! Gather your thoughts and strength! Demonstrate to all your household that a man has both weak and strong sides! Admitting any failures, experiencing disappointments, but moving on - these are the conditions for the development of any person in life. Even the Chinese say that from any hopeless situation there are at least two ways out! And in your case, there are many more ways out, you just need to not “get hung up” on the seemingly simplest ones now! Perhaps the more painful decisions today may turn into a “greater victory” for common sense and human relations tomorrow! True love can do all this! It’s about its presence or absence that you need to think about in your case! Only for her sake can and should we make attempts to maintain relationships, look for new opportunities to preserve her! And only thanks to her will all difficulties and temporary inconveniences be overcome!
A good but harmful wife
- Break the dishes - I'm crying! - the husband said with a guilty look.
- No, that will not do. First - money! - I laughed it off.
Vitya brought a wallet from the corridor and took out several bills, asking hopefully:
- Is this enough?
I looked at the three thousand lying on the table and began to wonder out loud:
— Plates: soup plates — 300 rubles apiece, flat plates — 220. Salad bowls for 600 rubles, pots and pans — unbreakable. We only have four mugs, worth 400 rubles. If you beat them, more than three pieces will be enough. By plates: I can make 10 soup bowls or 5 salad bowls. Flat ones must be counted. Can you divide 3 thousand by 220?
- I’ll share it now. So: 2200 for 10 plates, another 800 divided by 220, three and a half. 13, I think.
- Vit, now seriously: what happened and why should I break the dishes? — I put my hands on my hips and deliberately looked angrily at my husband.
— Borya and I want to go fishing. “Saturday,” the husband blurted out in one breath and pressed his head into his shoulders. As I understand it - in anticipation of that very paid breaking of dishes.
- If you want, go! So what? — After thinking for a few seconds, I answered.
- That's all? Won't you scream, throw plates and kick me out of the house?
- Should I? No, if you want, I can... But then I’ll have to pick up the pieces, go and buy new dishes. And this means money for gas and time for shopping and cleaning. Something's laziness.
-Are you serious now? I can go and nothing will happen to me for it?
I took a deep breath:
- Yes, Vitya, I’m serious. You are an independent adult man. And if you want to go fishing, then please go.
The husband nodded, a smile lit up his face:
- Thank you, beloved wife! I'll go then. I'll call Bora.
I nodded, put the kettle on and took milk out of the refrigerator: I love tea with milk. While I was getting the cups, Vitya returned. Sad. Which, however, did not surprise me: I know Larisa very well.
— Fishing is cancelled: Borya’s wife didn’t let him go. — my miracle sighed heavily, sat down at the table and stared at one point.
“This is logical: Bori’s youngest son is a month old,” I noticed and asked: “Tea or coffee?”
- Coffee. So what? We're only here for one day! Borka said that the child only eats and sleeps. Borya is not needed there at all. Bye.
— My three-year-old daughter needs Borya, Larisa gets tired, and wakes up at night to see her son. They don’t let him in - I understand, let the older one take care of it. Why did I have to start breaking dishes and throw a tantrum?
“Mom always did this.” If you count how many dishes she broke, you could buy a plane with that money.
“You’re exaggerating,” she suppressed a laugh.
Vitya nodded in agreement, took a sip of coffee and continued:
- Well, not a plane. But something similar, for sure. Dad was late from work - there were no plates. He began to make excuses - the mugs flew. Somehow I had nothing to eat from for dinner. I ate from an iron ladle. Now they live peacefully, but before they used to riot every other day. Thanks for the coffee, I’ll go, I need to take the car to the service center, something is knocking.
Holy shit. And I didn’t even know about the violent temper of my mother-in-law - God’s dandelion. It’s not for nothing that they say: in still waters there are devils. That’s why all the plates in her house are different, not even two are alike.
“I hope there’s nothing serious with the car.”
- I hope so too.
Hearing that Vitya had left, I took out my phone and dialed Larisa a message:
- Thank you!
The answer did not take long to arrive:
- Please! How did you know that they were going fishing?
Oh, it couldn't have been easier!
— Vitya ordered a new fishing rod, I found it in the computer history. I decided to play it safe, I wrote to you that fishing was planned.
“I wouldn’t have let Borya go anyway, I might not have asked.” If anything, write. — Larisa wrote.
- OK! — I typed, clicked “send” and put the phone away.
Breaking dishes and causing trouble is a thing of the past. It is enough to make friends with the wife of your husband’s best friend and inform her in a timely manner about proposed trips to football or fishing. Larisa definitely won’t let her husband go anywhere and will lock her at home, but Vitya doesn’t go alone - he’s bored. And my husband is at home, and I am a good wife, in his opinion. Especially compared to Larisa. This is exactly how I ruined my trip to the World Cup: I called Larisa. And she saved the family money, and Vitya stayed at home. Anything is better than making a scene and quarreling.
My wife said that I earn little, what should I do?
My salary is 100 thousand rubles. Should I look for a second job?
Well, first, try to explain to your wife that 100 thousand rubles is 10 times more than Karlsson, who had 10 thousand in total: 10 thousand chandeliers, 10 thousand meatballs, etc. Secondly, sit down at the negotiating table and find out whether you are talking about the same period or not: 100 thousand rubles per day, month, year or for a quarter of a century of life together. And in the evening, secretly under the covers, think, maybe it will be easier for you to find not another job, but another wife?
And if you still value your wife (and you value her), then learn to compensate your wife for the lack of a hundred thousand rubles with attention, love or super housework. And in general, please note: her complaints and nagging are a signal to you that she misses you (the man).
Let her go to work, she has no right to sit on someone else’s neck and become impudent.
Three people can live on 100,000 rubles a month and each will have about 30,000 rubles, not so bad.
For some reason she thinks that she shouldn’t earn money, probably like a woman shouldn’t work. How life will make you run like a little girl and value every penny, because you will feel what work and fatigue are like.
This can be cured quickly, with work.
Almost no one wants to work.
It’s amazing how men dismiss women and how they don’t respect themselves, because they know very well that they are tolerated only because of money.
It actually turns me inside out when a person wants me to do something for him and doesn’t ask for anything in return.
As they say, “no matter how much you earn, your wife will still not have enough,” “no matter how much you feed the wolf, she will still look into the forest.” Excuse me for being rude, but I think your wife has simply lost the line between “life in poverty/average income” and “life in abundance.” Your salary allows you to buy more things, use some services that are not available to those who earn 15-20 or both spouses receive, but the amount reaches 60 thousand per month. You shouldn’t look for a second job, since at first your wife will only notice the difference between her previous and current salary, but then this will also not be enough, even if it turns out to be 150-200 thousand per month. Because with income, needs grow: today I couldn’t buy a phone for 25 thousand, tomorrow I could, the next day I wanted to pay for 40, but the budget doesn’t allow it yet. Your wife, apparently, does not work herself. If, of course, there are no children, then she can complete a course in makeup or manicure. You can help with renting premises, then her income can reach about 15-40 thousand, but then if she gets the hang of it, materials will be more expensive and of better quality, or she will simply raise prices gradually. Let him spend this money on himself.
My advice to you is to try to show your wife that you live much better than others, that you can’t jump over your head and that you should enjoy what you have. Of course, it’s worth developing, moving forward, increasing your earnings, but not by working 3-4 jobs. If you pull it, then why not? But be prepared for the fact that one day your wife will again tell you that your salary is small and is not enough for anything.
Men's failures in bed and their solutions
Guys also face problems of an intimate nature, and the first on their list is sudden loss of erection. A loving and understanding partner will react calmly to such failure - who doesn’t? But if a girl is not tactful enough, then she can make fun of a man, calling him impotent.
How to react correctly to such failures of a partner in sex? Tips for girls
- If the erection weakens or disappears altogether, switch to other intimate caresses. For example, you can have oral sex with a guy or pay attention to various erogenous zones on his body.
- Monitor the level of stress in your man's life. Partial erectile dysfunction occurs in guys who are constantly nervous. Give your loved one a massage after a hard day at work or take a bath together.
- Use sex toys. In adult stores there are a lot of products that allow you to prolong or strengthen an erection - erection rings, arousal creams, etc.
- Try new positions, play role-playing games, realize your wildest fantasies and try in every possible way to diversify your sex life.
In the article “What to do if a man has lost arousal and interest in sex,” I give other useful tips in this case. Tell me, have you ever used these recommendations? You can answer honestly, all answers are anonymous.
The wife is constantly dissatisfied with her husband: advice for men and women
The wife is constantly dissatisfied with her husband: advice for men and women
An eternally dissatisfied, grumpy wife who tyrannizes her husband is the heroine of many jokes. But it’s not always all about a woman’s bad character. There can be many reasons for dissatisfaction, but, in general, they can be divided into:
- internal problems (complexes) of a woman;
- personal qualities of the spouse;
- lack of strong and mutually respectful relationships in the family.
Many men complain: “While we were dating, the future wife was sweet and attractive, but as soon as they lived for several years in marriage, constant discontent and scandals began.”
The fact is that family relationships need to be built. This is difficult and requires the participation of both spouses. Unfortunately, most men, and even women, don’t even think about it.
A man, changing his status as a bachelor to that of a married man, subconsciously believes that he now has a free housekeeper, not seeing the personality in the woman next to him.
But no one will like the consumer attitude towards themselves. Internal discontent accumulates and breaks out in the form of constant “sawing” of the husband. And now the girl who was once ideal in the eyes of a man becomes a vixen.
But if the husband showed more respect and interest in his wife as a person, it is unlikely that she would become forever dissatisfied.
Women tend to idealize their partner, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Thinking in stereotypes, many believe that you can close your eyes to shortcomings and then change a man. This is where the huge mistake lies: it is impossible to remake and educate either a man or a woman to suit himself.
And so, consciously or unconsciously, the woman does not pay attention to the shortcomings of her chosen one. And after some time in marriage, it becomes clear that no one is going to change. And sometimes a man’s attitude only gets worse. The natural reaction of a person with a healthy psyche to this will be dissatisfaction.
And finding themselves in a “deceived” position, both spouses, instead of calmly talking about their grievances and disappointments and changing together for each other, building healthy relationships, begin to make claims to each other.
It is important, in order not to find yourself in the role of an eternally dissatisfied wife or a reproachful husband, to talk about your ideas and family before marriage. Such conversations should not be a list of strict conditions, but an exchange of views. And in order to understand whether this woman (this man) is suitable for you to live together or not, you will need more than one conversation.
Dissatisfaction with her husband is caused by a woman's internal problems
Unresolved internal conflicts and complexes can cause dissatisfaction with oneself, life in general, and one’s spouse. It’s easier to take it out on loved ones, such as your husband, without understanding the reasons for your irritation.
Often, the insufficiently rich emotional life of spouses leads to dissatisfaction and reproaches. Mental health requires emotions, but the brain doesn't care whether they're positive or negative. And it’s easier to get negative ones.
Therefore, when you feel dissatisfaction for no reason or not caused by your spouse, you should try not to take it out on him and do something pleasant for yourself. Any little thing that will allow you to enjoy and relax. Take an invigorating shower or bath with sea salt, take a walk in the park or just down the street, get a mask or manicure.
The main thing, of course, is to look for the causes of discontent and eradicate them. If you have a problem with the perception of your own appearance, then you should get acquainted with body positivity.
Books on self-development and positive psychology will help you get rid of a negative vision of the world.
It is important to love yourself and pay attention to your personal needs, develop, and grow as a person. Then causeless discontent will not poison life, and there will be no reason to take it out on your spouse.
The reason for the wife's dissatisfaction is the personal qualities of the spouse
A wife's dissatisfaction is not always associated with her internal problems. Often the reproaches are fair, it’s just that the man doesn’t want to look at himself from the outside.
If a husband drinks, or beats his wife, or does not work for years, or constantly cheats, then society will definitely condemn him. In all other cases, the man is for some reason considered ideal, and the woman’s dissatisfaction is attributed to bad character.
As mentioned above, a man, after marriage, believes that a priori a woman should do household chores, work, and if there are children, do them, and his participation in family life is insignificant.
This male stereotype is extremely dangerous, and it is it that turns a smiling and affectionate wife into an evil fury.
The lack of initiative of the husband, who is unable to either clean up after himself or keep the child busy with something useful, irritates the woman. No less annoying is the lack of sincere interest in your spouse’s feelings and hobbies.
The lack of help and care makes the wife always dissatisfied.
How to correct the current situation?
First you need to change your attitude towards your wife. According to psychologists, people tend to develop in themselves those qualities that others pay more attention to. Therefore, when your wife always hears about herself as a “vixen,” you shouldn’t be surprised at another scandal. Criticism cannot inspire a person to change, only love and respect can.
Thank your wife, don’t take for granted a delicious dinner, clean clothes, and order in the apartment. A sincere thank you and help with household chores works wonders.
A man should get involved in the process of raising children, and not just take them to school (kindergarten). Play, take a walk, help with homework - this will provide an opportunity to build a close and trusting relationship with your son or daughter and give your wife some rest. And when she is rested, she is unlikely to express dissatisfaction.
The husband’s help in solving various family issues will finally allow a woman not to play a “male” role, but to be herself - sweet and attractive.
Family relationships as a cause of wife's dissatisfaction
As mentioned above, both husband and wife need to work on family relationships.
If for a long time family communication is built on mutual reproaches, then both spouses will have to work hard to restore peace.
An open, calm conversation will help, during which everyone will express what exactly they are dissatisfied with in the relationship. And then together find ways to satisfy the needs of both husband and wife.
Usually spouses lack sincere attention and care. What is needed is not routine conversations about how the day went, but interest in each other’s hobbies.
Restructuring the style of communication in the family will require a lot of work on each spouse.
A woman struggling with dissatisfaction with her husband should start a diary. In it, she should write down five words of gratitude to her husband per day.
The husband should do the same, at least mentally at the end of the day, highlight five moments for which he should thank his wife.
But of course, it is necessary to voice these gratitudes (at least partly) to each other.
Spending more time together, spouses will be able to establish trusting communication. It’s worth choosing one or two evenings a week to walk together, go to the cinema or theater, or at least discuss something interesting.
All this will allow the woman to feel the care and attention of her husband and to feel desired again. And such positive emotions are unlikely to leave room for dissatisfaction.
Source: The wife is constantly dissatisfied with her husband: advice to men and women The wife is constantly dissatisfied with her husband: advice to men and women An eternally dissatisfied, grumpy wife who tyrannizes her husband is the heroine of many jokes. But it’s not always all about a woman’s bad character. https://psihter.ru/otnosheniya/zhena-nedovolna-muzhem/
