Have you noticed that lately your husband has become somehow strange: he gets irritated over trifles, falls into melancholy and despondency, ponders philosophical questions: “What have I achieved? Why do I even live in this world?” It’s not that nothing like this had happened before, but before this state did not look like an obsession. Do you recognize him in this description? We sympathize, because you are faced with a man's midlife crisis.
Causes of midlife crisis
What is a crisis in principle? This is the turning point through which the process of growth and development of our body and personality takes place. The feeling of being in it, of course, is indescribable, since right now something “passed” is dying away and some useful new formation is emerging. Simply put, a person’s habitual patterns of behavior and perception of the world collapse, and new ones arise in this empty space.
However, if we talk about a man’s midlife crisis, then we are talking about quite specific reasons. The age of thirty to forty is, frankly, a milestone that signals the passage of half of life. It is quite natural that a person has an internal need to take stock and compare the ideas about life formed at the age of twenty with reality. And this is where sadness comes over him.
A man analyzes his life path, looks down on his failures and achievements and understands that despite his relative external well-being, his personality is far from ideal. On the one hand, he could have managed to do much more useful things, achieve better results - how much effort and time was wasted! At the same time, an understanding comes that all this is “worldly”, external, but what is inside? And inside there is a reassessment of values. It becomes unclear where to move next, and doubts arise in the already chosen direction: am I doing a good job? Is your wife worthy? Did I raise my children correctly?
All this is complicated by inclusion in public life. If at twenty years old a man could behave as his soul pleased, then at forty this no longer works. A man constantly has to meet outside expectations and demonstrate his own achievements to society. He must create some truly significant material or spiritual product, otherwise the question arises about its necessity - maybe it’s worth calling someone younger and more energetic in his place?
The midlife crisis in men is also due to the presence of aging processes and withering of the body. Minor bodily “breakdowns” are becoming more and more noticeable. Appearance changes: wrinkles are more and more noticeable, as are various fat deposits. But the most difficult thing to experience is a decrease in sexual activity. Many men even begin treatment for this completely natural process, pushing themselves and their bodies. Thus, there are many reasons behind the midlife crisis that make this phenomenon especially difficult and unpleasant for a man.
Focus on yourself, not your spouse
You need to stop thinking about your spouse's behavior. It's difficult, but try not to think about what your spouse is doing or where he is. Accept that you have no control over anyone's behavior other than your own.
Set boundaries about what behavior you will accept and stick to those boundaries. Lovingly communicate to your spouse what is acceptable and what is not, and what you will do if they behave inappropriately. Don't let your spouse's crisis behavior cause instability and stress in your life.
How does a midlife crisis manifest itself?
This event in a man’s life simply cannot pass unnoticed for you. Of course, you have faced certain problems before, but for the husband you are used to and know to suddenly turn into a completely different person?! Let's try to describe the whole picture of this state.
- Changes in behavior
A man begins to do things he has never done before. If he was characterized by reticence and shyness, then he suddenly becomes a cheerful person and the “life of the party.” Or vice versa: an active and purposeful man turns into a sloth who cannot be driven off the couch. - Work becomes a burden
As a rule, this is due to the fact that in his youth every man had dreams: to become a pilot, racer, president or rescuer. He compares this with reality and realizes that he has turned into the most ordinary office clerk. If earlier this work brought him joy and satisfaction, now he perceives it as something that distracts him from his “true purpose.” This is precisely what is associated with mass layoffs and downshifting among men in their thirties and forties. - In connection with all of the above, your man’s mood also undergoes unpleasant metamorphoses.
He becomes whiny, angry and irritable. The state of chronic depression is now his constant companion. Laziness and apathy may appear, manifested in an unwillingness to do anything. Oh yes, we must not forget about sudden mood swings: as soon as you get used to his new status, one fine morning he jumps out of bed in an elevated, manic state and strives to express himself in an incredible way, for example, by building a country house. Unfortunately, the fuse lasts him for several days, and then he, as if nothing had happened, lies down on his sofa. - Deterioration in physical well-being, which is associated both with natural physiological changes and with psychological unsettlement.
The husband begins to complain to his wife about constant headaches, aching joints, colic in the heart and shortness of breath. In this case, treatment, as a rule, is not necessary for him, although in some cases this takes the form of constantly visiting doctors. He may even get carried away with oriental medicine and “magic potions” - just so as not to lose his “male” strength. - Multiple Fears
If you once knew your husband as a confident and fearless protector, then you are surprised to discover that your spouse is afraid of aging and death. Sometimes this even takes a very advanced form, when a man switches to a raw food diet or stops flying due to fear of a plane crash. - Global discontent
A husband's midlife crisis threatens his wife with constant complaints and nagging, and for the most insignificant reasons. It turns out that you cook disgustingly, are unable to keep the house clean, do not have time to do anything, do not talk well with children, and as a woman you are not very attractive. Of course, I really want to hit him with a frying pan for saying such words, but that would be wrong.
It is completely logical to be interested in how long this state lasts. Unfortunately, there is no single and truthful answer to this question. Some people manage to live through a midlife crisis in six months and emerge from it refreshed, while others slip into unsuccessful attempts to cope with it and remain at this stage of development.
Crisis in relationship with husband - what to do
One morning Billy the boy woke up in his bed and saw a little dragon on the headboard. Joyful, he skipped down to the kitchen to tell his mother about this, but his mother said:
- There are no dragons.
Billy listened to his mother and tried his best to ignore the dragon: he washed himself, got dressed, and had breakfast. The little dragon carried his pancakes (“dragons don’t exist!”), and grew, grew, grew. Billy didn’t pay attention to his new neighbor (“dragons don’t exist!”) and his mother, although she was forced to walk around his menacing scaly body, also continued to assert this. And the dragon grew, and grew, and grew...
Finally he became larger than the house and carried the house with him. Dad returned from work and had to catch up with the house. Having reached his wife and son, dad asked:
- What's happened?
“It’s a dragon,” Billy answered.
– Dragons don’t exist! - Mom said stubbornly.
But Billy, who was already tired of all this, continued to insist:
- No, here it is, a huge dragon!
And it was at this moment, when the boy recognized the existence of the dragon, he began to shrink in size and became small, like a house cat. Mom took him in her arms and said:
– I like dragons of this size. Why did he have to grow so huge?
Billy, after thinking, replied:
“He probably just wanted to be noticed.”
Don't be silent!
Agree - a very instructive tale. The dragon in it symbolizes our problems. If we do not notice them, then they grow to unprecedented sizes and then, at one fine moment, explode. Our patience bursts, emotions pour out, and a scandal occurs. This is especially typical of married couples, where a woman does not express dissatisfaction with any domestic or other issues for a long time, endures, of her own free will, taking on the role of a submissive silent victim, and then, when the limit of patience is exhausted, she breaks down emotionally. And now - hysteria, scandal, quarrel.
Unexpectedly, it turns out that the woman was dissatisfied with her husband’s late returns from work, with his socks scattered around the house, and with his frequent trips to the bar. The lack of attention given to her, the low salary of her husband, and his lack of ambition immediately emerges.
Just what should a man do in response to such claims? He stayed late at work because he wanted to bring more money into the house. He threw his socks away because he doesn’t consider it a problem at all. He went to the bar because he could have fun with friends, while at home he was greeted by his gloomy and always dissatisfied wife. He was afraid to ask - he didn’t want to run into a scandal. And yet I ran into it. Now what? Now he will move away even more, will come home even later, and is unlikely to want to bring more money into the house.
It would be much better if the woman did not wait until her patience ran out, did not throw a tantrum in which one thing would cling to another, but identified emerging problems immediately, discussing them with her husband calmly and amicably. To remain silent and endure is bad. We need to talk, communicate, discuss, seek a compromise. Then harmony will appear.
Typical mistakes of a “crisis” man
None of us ever studied the science called “life” at university. It’s a pity, because this could have saved a lot of men from the typical mistakes of experiencing a midlife crisis. Ideally, such a period becomes a springboard for new beginnings and ups. Even if nothing major changes in your man’s life, then the very understanding of the correctness of your path and making the necessary changes to it (for example, giving up bad habits) are also useful new developments of a midlife crisis. In general, the ongoing reassessment is an inevitable stage in the life of each of us, and its outcome should be positive.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Oh, how many mistakes men make in trying to survive a crisis! The most typical of them is a deliberate protrusion of one’s own youthfulness. It certainly looks funny when a man with gray hairs suddenly starts dressing in a decidedly youthful way, gets a tattoo, puts an earring in his ear and spends all his free time in clubs with younger guys. And what is sad here is not the attempts to preserve youth themselves, but their artificiality.
Approximately the same tendency forces a man to look for love “on the side.” To the man’s desire to prove to himself and to society that he is still full of love power is added dissatisfaction with his wife, who, oddly enough, is the same throughout the long years of marriage. If a midlife crisis coincides with a family crisis, then there will be trouble, that is, divorce. The wife doesn’t understand why her once loving husband suddenly began to find fault with her. And children perceive their father’s sudden despotism only with hostility, which is fraught with a cooling of parent-child relationships.
Many men exhibit characteristic behavioral changes. Even if he has not found himself a company of young guys, there remain peers, in communication with whom demonstrative “typically male” conversations predominate, boiling down to attempts to simulate a macho image: about football, women’s breasts, cars, etc. ... Naturally, this does not lead to personal growth, but to an increase in the beer belly and the need for alcohol.
By the way, about alcohol. It is not uncommon for men during a midlife crisis to often begin to “pawn by the collar.” At first, drinking is used as a means of combating depression, helping to cheer up and cheer up. Gradually, its amount in a man’s life increases, and within a few years he turns into an alcoholic, finally losing his health, property, career, family and friends. Naturally, treatment of this process in an advanced stage becomes almost impossible.
Some men come close to realizing the “old” dream, albeit with the last of their strength. Unfortunately, they often do this without any logical thinking, which leads to annoying mistakes. For example, a man in a state of excitement gets a tattoo like a young guy on the beach, and later it turns out that it has a funny or even unpleasant meaning. Or he begins to “suffer” from skydiving and other extreme sports, despite health contraindications. All these things differ from normal hobbies in their obsession: the desire to do such an activity does not come from the soul, but solely from the desire to put a tick on the list of personal achievements. Naturally, such gestures end in a far from happy outcome.
Live an interesting life
Go out at least once a week with friends. Enroll in an art class or some courses. Do what makes you happy and fills you spiritually and emotionally.
Don't make plans together for the time being. If your husband has shown you through his behavior that he no longer wants to act like a married man, then don't expect him to want to participate in family outings or go on vacation.
Prosperous image
A self-respecting woman after 45 years old cannot afford to build a new relationship with anyone: her age status is no longer the same. She chooses a companion from among the averagely prosperous men. It is unlikely that she will be interested in a drunkard, a homeless person or a womanizer. She is convinced that it will not be possible to build a strong family with such losers, so she immediately rejects the applicants from among them.
Chronically single men who have not previously been married have a bad reputation among single women. In their eyes they look suspicious, and you can’t help but want to find some kind of catch: maybe he’s impotent? Maybe he has such a disgusting character that no one gets along with him?
Potential suitors are divorced men or widowers who have a secure job and their own home. No, it’s not about self-interest, but about a thorough approach to life. True, housing is not a mandatory condition, but an additional positive sign, a finishing touch to the portrait. An intelligent woman understands that a normal man could leave the apartment to his ex-wife or children during a divorce and is ready to take him in.
Finding a reliable life partner is not easy, which is why many women over 45 no longer believe that a miracle can happen and give up on themselves. But in vain: the Internet is full of happy stories confirming that such miracles happen every day, the main thing is not to get tired of dreaming, believe in luck and look around intently so as not to miss the chance to finally become happy.
Divorced man
If a divorce does occur, then the man will never find peace in women. And the realization that you have made a mistake most often comes soon. And from this a person understands that this freedom from family does not bring joy. Someone continues the search, and everything repeats itself over and over again. Someone goes on a drinking binge. It is extremely rare for spouses to get back together.
Divorce is perceived differently in different cases. Sometimes it brings freedom for both spouses, sometimes it only benefits the wife. For men, divorce most often brings suffering and depression.
Like behind a stone wall
45 is a “berry” age for a woman, but willy-nilly she is already beginning to feel a certain weariness of life from everyday life and endless problem solving. In addition, health involuntarily begins to fail, and some ailments appear.
A woman tired of loneliness dreams not only of peace of mind, but also of a strong, reliable shoulder next to someone who could share at least part of her problems in exchange for affection, home comfort and care. Therefore, among her fans she will choose not a macho, a Casanova or a gigolo who can only surprise in bed, but a man who is adapted to life. Rockefeller, of course, could be suitable, but if there were common interests and life values.
At this age, a woman wants to feel like she is behind a stone wall, and in exchange for this, she is gladly ready to give up her leading positions as a housekeeper, financial manager, completely submitting to her man.
