How to live when children are already grown up?

How to learn to live for yourself when your children grow up. 5 Ways to Start Your Life Once Your Kids Are Grown Up

Many people experience a feeling of devastation, loss and collapse of the familiar world when their children grow up, or even leave the “native nest” altogether. And even if you maintain a warm, close relationship with them, life changes once and for all. Based on the work of modern psychologists, we can give several effective and useful ways to return bright colors to her and find her new path.

Allow yourself to relax

The fact that descendants no longer need parental care gives many opportunities - not to cook a three-course lunch and eat unhealthy candies for dinner, to spend extra money on their whims. Sometimes, in order to save yourself, you need to surrender to the flow and give your brain a break from all the little things and anxieties that accompanied life for the sake of children. It is useful to put aside all serious matters and devote time to introspection, for which best-selling self-development books can be useful. And with a high probability, soon the picture of how to live further will begin to appear like a photograph from a film camera, overgrown with details.

Decide on the impossible

Over the years of raising children, it is easy to accumulate unfulfilled dreams - to go on a kayaking trip, sing rock while cleaning the house, learn to paint with your fingers, or change a stable profession that allows you to feed and put on shoes for children, to a job that is less profitable, but attractive at the call of your heart. To start a new life, it is useful to delight yourself every day with what was previously unattainable or put off as unimportant.

Help others

This classic method of psychotherapy was known back in Ancient Rome - a person should feel better if he finds those who have it worse than him and gives them a helping hand. You can become a volunteer in a charitable organization, for example, visiting animals in a shelter that need communication with people for socialization (and of course, they will always need food and toys). Or you can take part in a “plant a tree!” style event. in the local park - thus, you will be able to make a useful contribution to the world ecology.

Change the world around you

A person’s psycho-emotional state is largely tied to his environment. If it is impossible to make cosmetic repairs in the house, it is worth at least replacing textiles (curtains, bed linen), updating the tableware. And of course, it is useful to change the style of clothing; for a woman, a new hairstyle and makeup are also useful. Changes should affect the deepest layers of reality - you can change the time of awakening/sleep, shower gel, type of tea, add a new habit, for example, talking about good things with gestures.

Keep a diary

Naturally, this must be absolutely secret. After all, it is necessary to openly share all your experiences, throw out negativity, record dreams and, so as not to forget, cute little things. The diary is useful even for those with phenomenal memory - after all, it sets out not only the facts, but also their perception at a certain point in time. And one day, re-reading it, it will be possible to understand how much you can change your everyday life the way you intended.

To summarize, it is worth noting that it is impossible to say exactly how long it will take to start living again. A month or six months? The length of the “adaptation” period is individual, the main thing is not to despair and not to stray from the right course.

How to learn to live here and now. Closer to the present

Any person can learn to live “here and now.” But, as a rule, he doesn’t do this because he’s too busy. The paradox is that simple exercises in order to be more present in the present will take no more than 10 minutes a day.

Start paying attention to where you are at the moment - in reality or in imaginary worlds. You can set yourself an alarm (or a reminder on your phone) for every hour. And when the signal sounds, ask yourself: where am I? If it turns out that you are always not here, but in dreams, memories or plans, you need to do something about it.

You can play with one simple thought (you don’t have to religiously believe in it). Imagine that everything that is happening now is the only thing you have. The past is memories. The future is imaginary pictures. You have nothing but now. It’s a little uncomfortable, but it also “inserts” at the same time. Everything around you becomes an order of magnitude brighter, and life gains strength.

If you accept this philosophy, a simple conclusion follows: everything good in life must be realized right on the spot, here and now. Either it already exists in the form of at least an embryo - or it will never exist. So you can no longer think: I want love, and for the sake of this I will endure the bullying of my beloved for now. I want to live in luxury, and therefore today I will eat Doshirak.

At any moment you can stop, look around and ask yourself: “What do I like here and what don’t?” And what can you change right now (turn off the stupid radio, remove an expensive but disgusting painting from the wall, wipe off the dust, call someone). Another way to put the question is: how can I feel more joy right now, in this very moment, without leaving my seat? This is an order of magnitude more important than any grandiose plans.

“If they had told me about his illness, I wouldn’t have taken him.”

Often the reason for a child’s return to an orphanage is a sudden onset of illness for which the new parents were not prepared. Last year alone, 216 children were returned to orphanages due to health problems.

Irina Suslova and EfimPhoto: Gleb Limansky

Efim was two and a half years old when his mother appeared. Irina wanted to take the girl and looked for her in different regions of Russia, until in one of the Perm orphanages a boy rushed to her shouting “Mom!” They have been living together for more than five years and almost broke up twice.

“Chairs and pots were thrown at me. He could throw a tantrum if we left the kindergarten not by trolleybus, but by bus. He took a stick and began to destroy the bus stop. People shouted at me: “Stop your bastard!” You tell him: “Fima, you can’t tear the wallpaper, do you understand?” “He answered that he understood and went to tear the wallpaper,” says Irina.

At first, Irina thought that this was an adaptation and that it would soon pass, but during one of the examinations the child was given a psychiatric diagnosis. “The worst thing is, when I took Fima, the orphanage didn’t tell me that he had serious psychiatry (the exact diagnosis is hidden for ethical reasons - TD’s note). If they had told me about the disease, I probably wouldn’t have taken it, I would have been afraid. And if she did take it, at least she would immediately go to a psychiatrist, and we wouldn’t have such problems.”

“This happens when an orphanage tries to shake off an inconvenient child, they say that he is a baby doll and a bunny, and they don’t say something. Employees of orphanages should be as honest as possible about what they are dealing with, because if this person returns to them, and he returns to them, they will get an even more serious case,” notes psychologist Inna Pasechnik.

“When an orphanage tries to shake off an inconvenient child, they say that it’s a baby doll and a bunny.”

Two years ago, Irina complained to one of the legal assistance groups for adoptive parents that she could not cope with raising her child and wanted to return him to the care of the state. “This whole story will end either in prison or in a hospital,” she worried, but promised to “fight to save the family to the end.”

Now Irina has stopped thinking about returning the child: “Why didn’t I return Fima? Probably because it's my child. And if I had a child with a mental disorder, if you had such a child, would you return him - your child? - asks Irina.

But not all adoptive parents act like Irina. Situations are quite common when a psychiatric diagnosis is a convenient way for a guardian to return a child, but reserve the right to take another, says psychologist Inna Pasechnik.

How to learn to live alone. How to learn to live alone

Loneliness as a way of life can be chosen consciously due to the characteristics of a person’s character or other reasons. It can also be forced, when a person would be happy to live among close people and friends, but he does not have such an opportunity.

You will need

— a gym or swimming pool membership;
- ticket to a movie or theater;
— emergency phone numbers;
— voucher for a tourist trip;
- Internet.

Instructions

Learn to rely only on yourself in everything, it is difficult, but doable. Remember that you will decide all issues concerning you and your life yourself. This means that no one will dial the emergency number for you if you need her help, no one will run to the pharmacy if you are sick, etc. There is a way out: stock up on the necessary medications and the necessary phone numbers.

If your loneliness is forced, for example, you got divorced and are left alone, consider the fact that time flows, everything changes, nothing lasts forever. Remember the inscription on King Solomon's ring? "All will pass. This too will pass." To quickly get used to loneliness, remove all things that remind you of your ex-husband or spouse away from your eyes. If possible, renovate the apartment, change the furniture, etc. Don’t feel sorry for yourself and don’t live in the past, make plans for the future, gradually erasing from your memory all the exciting moments of your previous life.

Don't get depressed. To do this, get busy - you can get an additional job, enroll in various sections, etc. If loneliness bothers you, remember that no one forces you to sit within four walls; you can always find a way to be in public: go to the theater, exhibitions, cinema, library, cafe, etc.

Use the Internet: participate in various forums, communicate on social networks, find pen pals. And you will no longer feel your loneliness so acutely. Discuss problems that concern you with virtual acquaintances, visit interesting sites with educational information, expand your horizons - this way you will derive undoubted benefits from solitude.

Make your loneliness your own privilege. Just think: many people dream of carving out an extra minute for themselves so they can leisurely read a book, take a bath, listen to their favorite music, etc. You have this opportunity, you are your own boss and can distribute your personal time as your heart desires.

If you are left alone as a result of the death of someone close to you, be prepared to take time to process the loss. In this case, the advice remains almost the same as in case of divorce - don’t stay too long in the apartment, find additional activities for yourself, be in public more often, fight depression, etc. It’s hard to experience loss alone, so if there’s even the slightest opportunity, go visit relatives for a while or go on a tourist trip, change your surroundings, get distracted and unwind.

Try not to go too far with choosing loneliness as a way of life. Don’t avoid contact with people - you live in society and you will still have to communicate with store clerks, doctors, work colleagues, etc. in one way or another. Of course, here too, if you wish, you can find certain compromises, for example, order groceries to your home, use traditional medicine recipes, and use freelancing to earn money. But will you find happiness by achieving complete solitude?

note

Always remember to turn on the gas, water or electrical appliances - if you forget about them, there will be no one to turn off the stove or iron, and a fire may occur. In a word, loneliness, forced or chosen, is also an additional responsibility.

Helpful advice

If you suffer from loneliness, try to change the situation: go to clubs and dating sites, choose crowded streets and parks for walks, develop a positive outlook. Do not cultivate sadness and melancholy in yourself, do not watch sad films or read books whose plot intersects with your problem. Remember that there are a lot of lonely people in the world, strive to help find joy and happiness not only for yourself, but also for them.

How to learn to live for yourself, and not for others. You need to live for yourself, not for others

I don’t know, but I’m frankly annoyed by women who are ready to put their lives and souls on the chopping block of family well-being. It’s better if I don’t get enough sleep, but the house will be clean, and in the morning there will be breakfast for the whole family. I’d rather not buy a blouse or shoes for myself, but I will buy extra dumplings for my husband and children. I’d rather not go to the cinema with my girlfriends, as long as my husband doesn’t swear, and God forbid he has to learn algebra with his eldest son at this time. Yes, there are any number of examples, almost every family has this.

And why should a woman live to please the whole family, forgetting about herself? That’s what I don’t want and won’t do. At first my husband also hesitated, asking why you cook borscht-cutlets like others three times a day. But because I don’t want to. And I also need time for myself. Get a manicure and hair done. Moreover, I am frugal, I do everything at home myself. But this takes time. And I like to take a bath for an hour. And in the evening I like to watch my favorite TV series, rather than scrub windows or wash curtains, like my neighbors. I also need time to exercise in the morning to be alert. And the husband can make coffee and sandwiches at this time, since he doesn’t respect sports. Why not?

When I come home from work, I don’t really care what happens around me. Who ever said that only a woman should take care of feeding the family? I offered to cook dinner and breakfast for my husband in turns, but he always refused. I kept thinking that I would break, and I sat there hungry. It’s easier for me, I trampled a leaf of lettuce with a piece of black bread, and dinner was a success. But he needs more calories. So my dear friend learned to cook. Now we take turns and try.

The same goes for household chores. Where does it say that I should wash the curtains or iron the laces every evening? Everyone is an adult and can look after themselves. No one puts a lock on a washing machine. For a vacuum cleaner too. Do you want to pamper yourself? Yes please. But to sit and puff that a woman should do everything is nonsense. My husband didn’t know how to do anything before, but now he’s learned everything. Only his mother cackles forever that I’m bad. I don't care. He loves me, he is with me. The main thing is that we are both happy. Why isn't everyone like this?

I remember once, in the first couple of years of our married life, my husband took away all the clean T-shirts, without thinking about washing and the fact that clean things don’t grow on trees. And when they ran out, this guy comes up to me with a complaint - where are my T-shirts? There isn't a single one in the closet! I tell him - but there’s a whole bunch of dirty laundry in the basket, go and wash it. He's so surprised. Like, what am I doing? You're a woman!

As you understand, we no longer have such problems. And by the way, mothers of sons - stop wiping their butts already, otherwise you might come across someone like me in life.

“I dreamed of becoming a drug addict and marrying a prisoner”

By the time Elena Machinskaya took Nyura into her family, she already had experience raising a child who had twice survived being returned to an orphanage. Anya, Elena’s first adopted daughter, was described in care as follows: “The girl is good, gentle, and wants to live at home.” “As I later realized, they were lying a little, it turned out that the girl was not so fluffy, she was taken into foster care twice and twice returned to the orphanage,” says Elena.

Family of Elena MachinskayaPhoto: from personal archive

“A few days later I came to the director of the orphanage and said: “How can this be? It turns out that the child was returned, the child has problems, he says that he is not going to live with me, that he only came to visit, that he has a mother who will take him. Why then [move the child here and there]?” He replies: “Oh, she started having these behavior problems again? Okay, bring it,” he says so calmly, “bring it back.” She won’t give you life,” recalls Machinskaya. Anya convinced her that her birth mother was collecting documents and would pick her up any day, that she had gotten a job and was no longer drinking.

“Such stories are common if the child lived with his [natural] parents for some time,” explains Inna Pasechnik. - And also if he lives with his adoptive parents and his mother did not disappear, she continued to maintain some kind of connection, even if only once a year. This hope glimmers in him all the time: “Now my mother will stop drinking, and I can return to her. She just got sick. Now she will get better.” And blood parents often feed their children with promises, saying: “Be patient a little, I’ll be there soon.”

“Children love their birth parents very much, they look forward to it. This is some kind of instinctive thing, very biological - to love your parents. The children went to a foster family, but in fact they continue to be faithful to their natural parents,” continues Pasechnik.

She cites the example of a girl who ended up in an orphanage at the age of seven. Her own mother promised to pick her up and named the exact date when she would arrive.

Every year on this day for 10 years, a girl with suitcases went to the gates of the orphanage

Anya, the adopted daughter of Elena Machinskaya, also waited a long time for her mother. Mom called on the phone, promised to pick me up, asked not to get used to the foster family. Because of her attachment to her, Anya refused to study: “Why do I need your school? I’ll go to my mother anyway.” She dreamed of “becoming a drug addict and marrying a prisoner, because drug addicts are cheerful, cool and catch good things in life, and prisoners live according to concepts, they are not some kind of scientific fools,” says Machinskaya.

Elena's second daughter Nyura eventually returned to her birth family. Before publishing the material, Elena told “Important Stories” that she was relieved of her duties as a guardian. ““I ask you to release me from the duties of guardian” of a beloved child is as powerful as giving a divorce to a beloved man,” says Machinskaya. Nyura wanted to live with her blood aunt, who agreed to take custody of the child, closer to her aunts, brothers, sisters, and grandparents. According to Elena, previously Nyura’s birth family could not take her in because of problems with housing and work, but now Nyura “needs roots.” “What if they bring her back?” — Machinskaya answers this question like this: “You cannot return what is already mine. I remained a mother. That's what I'll do to her. And where she will live - here or there - these are details. I love her".