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January 2, 2020 —
Oh, what “wisdom” is passed down to us from mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers... There are dozens of tips on choosing a model of interaction with a man. And, as usually happens, with the best intentions we come to the worst result. The result of a woman’s attitude towards a man from the position of “mother and child” leads to an inability to build an intimate relationship, and, as a natural outcome, a lack of sexual attraction and even satisfaction.
But let's start in order.
A man is a child to a woman, a woman is a child to a man... not a person
Any widely held opinion carries deep meanings. It is not for nothing that such a huge number of people without a doubt accept the statement that men are adult children. This smoke has a source of fire.
We always verbalize our inner feelings. We don’t always know how to do this exactly, it’s not always clear to others, but, nevertheless, we do it. And women’s confidence that men are adult children is rooted in the special bond between mother and children.
The fact is that a woman is a mother by nature. Nature endowed her with a connection with children to ensure their survival. Men do not have this connection. They don't feel their children. A woman feels... both daughters and sons. But this connection does not last long, but only until the child emerges from puberty. As soon as a child crosses this line and ceases to be a child, the connection is severed. Simply because it is not necessary. A woman stops feeling her children, so her attitude towards them always remains at the “parents – children” level. It is always more difficult for a woman to accept that her children have grown up, because in her feelings they remain children.
Video Teenager. Between heaven and earth. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan — lecture excerpt
The same connection with children allows a woman to feel men too. But, again, she feels them only up to the level of puberty. In her inner feelings, the man is a teenage boy. And the opinion “men are adult children” arises precisely from these feelings.
Men don’t feel women as people at all. Where do you think all these diminutive “cats” and “suns” come from? Everything comes from internal sensations.
Playing the victim
I think you know how it goes. You meet your husband from work looking busy and exhausted. So that you immediately understand how hard it is for you. You do everything for everyone else and get angry that they don’t help, don’t appreciate, and don’t even notice. You set yourself a high bar and heroically try to meet it.
Why are we doing this? To feel important. And to be sorry. So that, again, our contribution to the family and the fact that it is not easy for us is recognized. When we lack recognition, understanding, and help, we often tend to put on a pained expression on our face and walk around the house with silent reproach.
But when one in a pair is a victim, then the second is automatically a tyrant, a tormentor. And every person in his close relationships wants to be good.
And, what is especially offensive, although the position of the victim has certain benefits, it does not give us what we need and want: recognition and care. And it destroys ease in relationships, laughter and humor. How was it at Prostokvashino? “Flowers usually wither in those houses where the atmosphere is very strict.” Love too.
The first step to correction: take responsibility for everything you do and don't do. For everything that is and is not in your life. It doesn't sound like much fun, but it's the only way to get out of the victim position. It is your choice to give birth to a child and do for him, for your husband, for the home everything that you do.
Do men – adult children exist?
Of course, there are men who cannot be called adults. They do not know how to take responsibility for their actions. They do not have a sense of duty, an understanding that problems that arise must be solved themselves, and not looking for someone to blame. They simply don't feel responsible for their lives. In psychology, such people are called infantiles. The cause of infantilism is associated with an unsuccessful exit from puberty. They were unable to develop their properties to a level sufficient for successful adaptation in the modern world.
Depending on the vectorial feature, infantiles manifest themselves differently.
Thus, the visual infant constantly dreams, has his head in the clouds, makes grandiose plans, but never comes to realize them.
The anal infantile, knowing to himself that he is a man of great intelligence, cannot realize that this intelligence should not be measured in books read, but in social realization. If he has not done anything useful for society, then he is a useless member of society, even with golden hands and a golden head. The infantile does not understand this and plunges into grievances and begins to accumulate social frustrations.
The anal-sound infantile manifests itself very clearly. His sound detachment enhances infantile manifestations. He feels outside the framework of this life. He has an inner feeling that he was somewhere before this life and will go somewhere after it. And this feeling strengthens his infantilism. He is absolutely not ready to bear any responsibility, you can’t even drive him with a whip - with the fear that he will not survive if he does not begin to take responsibility for his own survival.
But infantilism should not be invoked in defense of the opinion that men are adult children. Among women, infantile personalities are also often found, but nothing like this is said about women.
In general, men can be quite wealthy, mature individuals. After all, whatever you say, it is to men that we owe civilization and all the discoveries that allowed us to live today the way we live. Women have only been allowed into social life for the last 100 years. Yes, women have always stood behind men, and if not for them, men would not have achieved anything, but this does not detract from their merits. Therefore, our modern standard of living can be considered clear evidence of the presence of accomplished men with adult minds and actions.
There is another argument in favor of the opinion that men are adult children. Some men themselves really like to refer to the idea that they are, they say, adult children, and ask women to take this into account. Of course, living an adult life is difficult, and sometimes you really want to feel like a child, to shift responsibility onto someone else’s shoulders. And why not do this if there is a person (woman) nearby who is ready to lend their shoulders?
Caring wife
In our country, a man passes from under the wing of his mother into the caring hands of his wife. And again it ends up with everything ready: borscht, clean shirts, washed plates. Videos under the general title “I was left at home without my wife” are very popular on the Internet. Men show how they manage the household in the absence of their spouse. Like trying to fry your own eggs or start a washing machine. They fail, and this is considered very funny. Videos like this get a lot of “Yes, that’s how it is, bro” comments. And it's not funny anymore. It's no fun if a grown man who can drive a car doesn't know how to turn on a washing machine.
It’s sad that we, women, either do not consider it necessary to require our husband to participate in household chores (well, of course, this is not a man’s business), or we are simply afraid (what if he finds another woman who will not insist on his personal acquaintance with the washing machine). machine). By doing this we only support male helplessness.
A typical lifeline phrase for many representatives of the stronger sex: “You know that I don’t know how to do this, I’ll only ruin everything, it’s better to do it yourself.” How to deal with this? First, you need to be aware that a person cannot change globally. Just the little things. If we don’t do things for men that they can handle themselves, then we can train the stronger sex to handle the dishwasher themselves or pay the bills for the apartment. If you praise your husband and admire his achievements, he will begin to do things more often to feel like a real man. And, perhaps, you will not try to shift responsibility onto someone else’s shoulders at every convenient opportunity.
Why can't a man be considered a child?
With the legend that all men are grown-up children, we are taught to behave with men as if they were children. There is a lot to forgive them, a lot not to take into account, a lot to decide for them. But this model of relationships is fundamentally wrong.
Firstly, by perceiving a man as a child, a woman loses the opportunity to create an intimate connection with him. But a woman’s sex life is not ideal anyway. Until now, a huge number of women do not know how to experience orgasm, which is a consequence of the fact that they cannot completely trust their man. Well, relationships at the “mother-child” level will certainly not allow this to happen.
We cannot behave with a man like a child for one more reason - we risk actually turning him into an adult child. Man is a lazy creature, and life and realization in it is hard work. Of course, this work bears fruit in the form of a feeling of joy and satisfaction from life, but before you get it, you need to move your paws well. And if there is an opportunity not to do this, there is a great temptation to take advantage of it.
My husband is like a child...
How many of us are there who dream that the man in the family is like a child - sweet, charming, who needs to be looked after and indulged in his many desires? To understand how large the number of women who have infantile men in a couple is, employees of the international training network conducted a study in large Russian cities. 884 respondents took part in the survey - women over the age of 18 who are sexually active. Of all the ladies participating in the study, more than half (51%) consider their partners mature, and 39% admitted that their men are childish.
It’s funny that almost half of the women who consider their men mature admitted that when the question arises about the need for large acquisitions (a car, an apartment) or the choice of vacation spots, the decision still remains theirs, and most of the representatives of the weak Paul is irritated by this situation.
Most of those women who consider their men infantile, to put it mildly, are not very happy about this state of affairs. Only 23% of women are satisfied that they find solutions on their own and are proud of their inner strength; others are ready to put up with the situation solely because they love their partner. But are there any real ways to solve such a problem?
Often, women themselves push men to get stuck in childhood, helping to develop their internal complexes and psychological instability. With great indulgence on the female side, the man returns to earlier, less mature patterns of behavior, which, as it seems to him, guarantee the greatest protection and safety.
Girls often do not understand that by building a model of an “adult-child” relationship with a man who has problems with psychological maturation, they do not compensate for his behavior, but aggravate it. A man who realizes that he does not need to be responsible for the relationship, since there is an “adult” in the couple, will become more and more accustomed to this model of behavior. And this can lead to irreversible mental processes.
Often, male infantilism is promoted by a mother who wants to delay her son’s maturation and does not want to alienate him from herself. In such a situation, a man finds himself in a kind of psychological trap. He becomes dependent on his mother, since she greatly influences his decision-making. But this dependence keeps him from the status of an independent mature person.
Infantilism affects not only the psychological climate in a couple, but also the sexual side of the relationship. The more infantile a man is, the less he will take responsibility for his partner’s sex life and satisfaction, which means that the woman herself will have to make a lot of efforts to maintain the relationship.
How to deal with the immaturity of the stronger sex? This is quite a difficult task. But a competent woman will be able to correct those aspects of the relationship that cause her discomfort, even in everyday matters, even in sex. Psychologists and sexologists can also help her with this.
42% of women solve the problem of their partner’s immaturity radically - they leave the man.
Source: Ekaterina Lyubimiva / Between us, women No. 19-2014
Epilogue
All grandmother’s advice from the series “men are grown-up children” and such a huge demand for them speaks of one thing - we do not know how to build relationships and we feel it. We are grasping at straws in attempts to save our relationships, while there is a powerful tool that allows us to understand ourselves and our partner and interact correctly with him.
Author: Alena Nikolaeva
Written based on training materials on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan www.yburlan.ru/training
