Gestalt therapist at the Moscow Center for Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy "Alvian" Elena Ilyina will help you avoid disappointment during a joint vacation .
With the start of the summer season, we all begin to make vacation plans. This is not an easy task, especially for married (or non-family) couples. During a joint vacation, people want to get not only pleasant impressions, but also pleasure from communicating with their partner.
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During a joint vacation, married or non-family couples often have disagreements. They may be the result of relationship problems that have accumulated even before the start of the vacation. One of the main problems is the lack of respect for each other: for many people in life there is only “I”, but not “we”. This attitude often manifests itself when planning a vacation - when one of the partners offers something, the other says no, insists on his own, and thereby shows disrespect for the other.
Tip 1. Discuss vacation options in advance
If a couple has been together for a long time, then they already know what kind of vacation they like. If the couple has only recently been together, vacation options should be discussed in detail in advance. This will help avoid disappointments and unpleasant surprises. Ask your partner what he (or she) expects from a vacation together, and tell him how you would like to spend your vacation. Even if your interests do not coincide in some way, you can always find a compromise, but it is better to look for it in advance.
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Try role-playing trips
If you can’t always live like in a movie, then traveling like in a movie is not so difficult. Check out how good Neapolitan pizza is at L'Antica Pizzeria Da Michele, where Julia Roberts enjoyed it in Eat. Pray. Love”, or wait for a vintage car on the steps of the Saint-Etienne-du-Mont church, like Owen Wilson in the movie “Midnight in Paris”.
On vacation, you can not only follow in the footsteps of the heroes of your favorite TV series and books, but also find the house of your favorite writer or the street that is mentioned in your favorite song. You won’t even notice how the walk will turn into a real romantic quest. Check out our guides to the filming locations of Game of Thrones, the latest Star Wars episode or retrace Sherlock Holmes' routes. If you haven’t found any ready-made thematic excursions, create a route yourself - it’s even more interesting!
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Tip 2. Avoid disputes and quarrels
If you experience negative emotions during your vacation, do not rush to take them out on your partner. First, answer yourself a few questions internally: who is in front of me, what situation am I in, what is the purpose of our relationship? If you understand that in front of you is a close and loved one, you are in a relaxing environment, and your goal is to avoid conflict and not quarrel, and in the long term to preserve your family or close relationships, then the negativity and irritation will decrease. You will begin to speak more calmly - and there will be no quarrel.
Tip 3. Try to negotiate
During a vacation, the desires of two people may not coincide: one wants to lie on the beach, the other wants to go on an excursion. In this case, it is important to be able to negotiate. After calmly discussing the desires of both parties, we can come to a compromise: today we go to the beach, and tomorrow we go sightseeing. This will help avoid quarrels and insults. The ability to discuss is very important - in this case, everyone will feel attentive to themselves. If the couple has been together recently, then a joint vacation will give the partners the opportunity to get to know each other better, and in this case, the ability to negotiate will help to avoid discontent or tense situations in future relationships.
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Tip 4. Tune in to intimacy
This advice is especially relevant for experienced married couples and is addressed mainly to women. During a vacation together, the excuses “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” will not be convincing. If, during a long family life, intimate relationships between spouses are absent for a long time, then a joint vacation involves their resumption. A woman may not be ready for this, so she is advised to analyze her attitude towards her husband in advance - perhaps in this case she still needs to rest separately, otherwise a joint holiday can divide this couple even more.
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Tip 5. Don’t tie your partner to you
Very often, during a joint vacation, couples strive to spend 24 hours a day in joint activities. This usually happens on the woman's initiative. If a couple has only recently been together, such a desire is understandable: it is due to the euphoria of novelty and the desire to completely share the partner’s life. But if people have been living together for a long time, it is advisable to give each other a little personal space during vacation. Allow your partner to take a little break from spending time together (of course, not for the entire vacation!) by reading a book or watching a movie on your laptop. If you demand 24-hour attention from your partner throughout your vacation, he will develop a feeling of lack of freedom, and this will negatively affect both his vacation mood and future relationships.
Tip 6. Leave your problems at home
An experienced couple always has some kind of everyday problems - they need to buy something, fix something, pay for something. During your vacation, try not to think about any problems and talk only about pleasant things. Agree among yourself and give yourself the following setup in advance: we left and left all the problems at home, we will solve them when we return, and now the main thing for us is to enjoy the fact that we are together.
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Throw a dart at the globe
Choosing where to spend your vacation based on the principle of “wherever you look” is not fun for everyone. But already on vacation, at least once it’s worth starting the day not with “Now we’ll go here,” but with “Where should we go now?” Get lost in the city - turn away from crowded squares into quiet alleys and watch life. Unlike tourist areas, in secluded neighborhoods you don’t have to weave through crowds and peek behind other people’s backs to see anything.
Don't focus on the sights - rather pay attention to the details. This is what the Portuguese photographer Andre Gonsalves did and put together a whole photo project about doors and windows in different countries.
Take any commuter bus or train one day and see where it takes you. It is important to tune in to the fact that everything that happens to you is an adventure, not trouble. Then you will not get photographs, of which there are thousands on the Internet, but memories, impressions and experiences.
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Tip 7. Don't criticize each other
Some couples like to criticize each other and do not know how to praise each other. But praising a loved one is very important! Try to forget about criticism at least during your rest and start praising and thanking your partner - no matter what exactly, even for little things (“Thank you for bringing me coffee, letting me sleep”). Criticism, even fair criticism, often leads to conflict and the feeling: “I’m not a person to love, I’m not good enough.” Everyone should feel that they are valued, that they are admired, that they please their partner - this greatly strengthens the relationship.
Have an extraordinary experience together
They say you should collect memories, not things. But combining two in one is even cooler. Brew beer together in Berlin, cook pizza in Naples or create an ikebana in Tokyo - learning new things will bring you closer together and give you moments that will be pleasant to remember. Since it is believed that lovers should have at least one common interest, why can’t it be the dances of the Scottish Highlanders?
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Tip 8. Avoid financial disagreements
During vacation, conflicts over finances often arise. To prevent them, it is also important to discuss financial issues. If a man bears all the expenses for the vacation, and the girl wants to buy something unplanned, then it is better to ask him if she can afford it. If expenses are split in half, you can discuss what you want to spend money on and what you don't want to spend money on. It is useful for a married couple to discuss spending limits so that the vacation does not become a threat to the family budget.
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Go to markets, not shops
“If you want to feel the city, walk through its market,” Vladimir Pozner once said. Unlike shops, people come here not so much for shopping, but for the atmosphere. But if you're lucky, you'll get to take home something special. In many cities, flea markets sparkling with antique treasures are held on weekends in central squares and secret streets. And at food markets, you can often try the main dishes of local cuisine for your own people - and even at several times cheaper than in a restaurant. Grab some takeaway food and replace a candlelit dinner with a picnic in the park - +10 to romance.
The local market is often one of the city's most authentic attractions. For example, the Blumenmarkt flower market in Amsterdam can be found by its scent, while the Thai Damnoen Saduak market can only be navigated by a maneuverable boat.
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Tip 9. Avoid false expectations
To avoid disappointment from your vacation together, try not to have high expectations. If a man pays for the vacation, it is better for a woman to lower her expectations, and even more so, she should not criticize her partner if something turned out not to be as she dreamed, otherwise the man will feel that he is not the hero of your novel, and the relationship will be ruined.
The same applies to alcohol. If a woman knows that her partner has a weakness for alcohol, she should not expect him to be a teetotaler while on vacation (especially in all-inclusive hotels). A woman should be prepared for the fact that her partner may abuse alcohol if this has already happened before. You cannot convince yourself that he has changed and become different and this will not happen again - you need to look at life realistically and lower the bar of expectations: reality may not be very pleasing, but there will not be much disappointment.
Men can also have high expectations: very often they expect a woman to always be in a good and playful mood. But she may have mood swings and feel unwell. It’s good when a woman voices this, then the man understands that the reason is not in him, and does not worry in vain.
Shall we play?
Sometimes on vacation there comes a time when forced idleness befalls us: the weather is bad, the flight is delayed, the bus breaks down or the destination port is not accepting...
Western psychologists suggest in such situations... to play. Here are some simple games for two that you can play with your man when you're bored.
What happened and what didn't happen
For this game you will need: you and your loved one, two sheets of paper and two pens.
Condition. Both must write five short stories about themselves, four of which are true, and the fifth is fiction.
Task. Read what everyone wrote and understand what of what was written actually happened and what was invented.
At first glance, it seems that such a game will simply help you kill time, but when you start it, you will be surprised how much it will captivate you.
- Firstly, you will find out how your man can write essays;
- secondly, this game, without obliging you to anything, will give you some insight into him and discover for yourself how skillfully he can lie;
- And thirdly, you will have the opportunity to talk with him about what each of you wrote about yourself. A confidential and friendly conversation will give you the opportunity not only to laugh together, it will allow you to pass the time and get to know each other better.
Write yourself a letter
Take paper and pen again and both write yourself a love letter.
Condition. This should be the letter you dream of receiving from your loved one.
It should contain those words, phrases, and maybe even poems that you would really like to read in his message to you. Perhaps you cannot say something out loud to him, but you dream of hearing it from him. Write this down.
Task. Exchange letters, if, of course, you see that your man is ready for such revelations. Read both letters to each other: you read “your” letter to him, and he read “his” letter to you.
Such a romantic pastime will let you know what each of you thinks about your love relationship, what you and he are missing in your life, and what each of you is willing to give to the other.
