It doesn’t work because the temperament is not the same, because the type of reaction is special, because regardless of upbringing, children in the same family are still different. Next, we’ll talk about this with a psychologist.
Tatyana Kovalenko, musician, psychologist and chronic optimist
Someone is a leader and pushes everyone away with his elbows, while someone hides in a corner and quietly cries. Some people beat other children, while others make peace with everyone and are friends with everyone.
But there are basic principles in education that absolutely all children need. For example, the development of emotional intelligence has now become a trend. And this is no coincidence. Numerous studies by psychologists have proven that a high IQ will not make a person happy and successful. In addition to the ordinary intelligence that we are accustomed to, there is also verbal, social, emotional and others. Scientists agree that emotional intelligence plays a decisive role in the development of a healthy personality.
But it is precisely this that needs to be developed differently depending on the child’s personality type. There are some children who seem to have too much emotion. They would have the will to work and discipline. How can they develop emotional intelligence? But the right approach to their emotions can turn a weak, defenseless and sad child into a unique creative personality.
These are the so-called vulnerable children.
Who are vulnerable children?
At any moment they are ready to burst into tears. The loss of a pebble that was intended for a “very important purpose,” an unexpected memory of a drawing forgotten on a bench, a carelessly spoken word can provoke a sea of tears. It seems that their sensitivity is always at some limit.
A child who once saw a pigeon with its head crushed from being hit by a car can remember this situation for another year, will tell that he was dreaming about it and often remember when he simply sees pigeons. A child cries when someone else is in pain and feels involved or even guilty. It doesn't matter whether it is true or not.
Parents feel like they’re in a minefield with him; one careless step and they’re ready for hysteria.
But vulnerable children also have a number of advantages. They are not so noticeable, because there are always some “unreasonable tears” in the foreground. The strengths of such children are their extraordinary attention to detail, a high level of empathy and a deep analysis of current events. Vulnerable children are true friends, completely selfless; always ready to help, give in, take care of the weak.
How can such a child grow up if parents misinterpret his emotions and correct them according to the type of the average child:
- He may well become “in his own head,” and periodically retreat into his colorful emotional world, not letting anyone in.
- Most likely, he will take a defensive position, create a socially acceptable mask and will be torn between his real self and his artificial self. Internal conflict is guaranteed.
Such an adult “child” will constantly experience discomfort and feelings of inferiority due to his vulnerable nature.
- He may develop a “victim” position in relation to the world and other people. He will perceive his sensitivity as weakness.
- He will not demonstrate or realize the creative talents inherent in him. He will be afraid of disapproval, criticism and, as a result, will never achieve his dreams.
But he will still dream, albeit secretly.
Chazon Ish - about the sensitive soul [↑]
“Sensitive child” is not a newfangled term coined by psychologists. Even Chazon Ish, in his work “Faith and Hope,” wrote about the special spiritual qualities inherent in a certain part of people. According to the Chazon Isha, these qualities are a prerequisite for the most sublime and perfect faith. This is what it says in chapter 1 of the book Faith and Trust:
“The spiritual quality called faith is a subtle inclination, a property of a refined and refined soul. If a person has a tender and sensitive soul... then he is shocked and excited, because the world appears before him as a hidden magical secret. This mystery envelops his heart and brain... All his thoughts are directed only towards that mystery - his soul yearns to unravel it, and he is ready to go through fire and water for it... For what is his whole life to him if it, with all its charm, slips away completely from him, and his soul, whirling in sadness, longs to penetrate into its secret and to know its roots, but the gates are locked...
And the one in whom there is a refined, sensitive soul, he is all an open wound. For his heart saw many things from what he saw under the sun...” And further, Chazon Ish names those sense organs that every person has (eyes, ears, etc.), but in especially sensitive people they are more receptive than in others.
How can studying emotional intelligence help parents?
Firstly, you can learn to help your child get out of difficult emotional experiences easily and painlessly.
Secondly, by accepting the characteristics of a vulnerable child as a normal natural phenomenon, you can turn them to his benefit and to your own joy.
First of all, we need to remember how we, parents, need to react in the event of an emotional storm. Each time you will need to go through several stages with your child:
- Recognize the child's emotions
- Accept them and let the child know that you are with him, support him and do not judge him
- Help name feelings
- Identify opportunities for expressing emotions or help return to an even state
- Analyze the situation together and decide how to act in a similar situation next time, discuss ways to solve the problem.
It is imperative to focus on his strengths and constantly remind him of them. Teach how a child can use them.
Let's start by applying care and love for detail. A child can be called an unsurpassed tracker who can always find or discover something that others do not see. A very good help is the cartoon “The Incredible Investigations of the Hackley Kitten.” Your tracker will be happy to investigate and find the answer before the smart kitten.
With a vulnerable child, you need to constantly talk about the benefits of high sensitivity and emotionality. Show examples of famous people with the same temperament. Tell your child about the achievements of these people. Talk together about how being highly sensitive has helped their careers.
It is important to focus the child’s attention on how he can use his qualities in life. For example, empathy can help in personal relationships and friendships. It is necessary to constantly emphasize that vulnerability and sensitivity are an advantage, not a disadvantage. Such a child, when he grows up, will have a good understanding of people and this can become the basis for his future profession.
In general, there are a lot of options for support.
Vulnerable children are an opportunity for us to learn to see the world with different, more attentive eyes. An opportunity to get in touch with the subtle mental organization.
Many parents may notice that their child may often become offended. He “puffs up over trifles”, reacts too emotionally to comments, sits alone for a long time, cries... The little man suffers from his own touchiness, and his parents worry and don’t know what to do in such difficult situations. Our article will help you, dear parents, understand the peculiarities of such a phenomenon as children's touchiness.
Special approach to sensitive children [↑]
Neurobiological differences in such children make them more sensitive to parenting methods - they either wither or flourish. When they grow up under stressful conditions, it takes a big toll on them. As a result of exposure to such conditions, sensitive children are more likely to suffer from mental health problems.
When raising sensitive children, we face a number of difficulties, since these children are strikingly different from their easy-going peers and require special attention from their parents. Such a child reacts very sharply to everything compared to others. Parents of such children often take this behavior of their children personally, considering it their fault and not realizing that these children are exposed to excessive environmental influences. Parents of sensitive children sometimes have a hard time explaining to other adults how their children are different from others. They are often condemned for being overprotective and their actions are misinterpreted.
Sensitive children are easily overwhelmed and overstimulated by their environment. This is especially evident in the early years of their lives, when the brain is still immature and more susceptible to sensory information overload. Moreover, the causative agent can be a factor completely invisible to others - such as the buzzing of fluorescent lamps or a beam of light from a window.
Sensitive children often feel like they are unbearable at times when several unfavorable factors come together: fatigue, hunger and irritation. The feeling of one’s own unbearability leads to new grief and outbursts of emotions, to resentment and resistance.
It takes the average child five to seven years for the brain to fully integrate sensory information with increasing speed and efficiency. It is important to understand that sensitive children may need more time to develop their brains—another year or two beyond that, depending on their level of sensitivity and environment. Impulse control and balanced emotional reactions appear later in these children than in other children.
While they may be intellectually developed as early as age six, their behavior may appear immature due to emotional outbursts, upsets, and lack of self-control. Due to a sensitive child's increased sensitivity to external stimuli, neural connections in the prefrontal areas of the brain take longer to form in order to be able to cope with additional sensory information. Until this happens, sensitive children risk being diagnosed with attention or behavior problems when in fact they are simply “blooming” later than others.
One of the common mistakes we make with sensitive children is giving them too much sensory information based on their natural abilities. For sensitive children, “more” does not mean “better,” and defenses against sensory input are likely to be triggered.
Emotional experiences that include feelings such as fear, concern, joy, irritation, guilt, shame, loneliness and rejection can give rise to quite strong reactions. For young sensitive children, separation can be a difficult experience, accompanied by violent emotional outbursts.
Strong desires and feelings of partiality become the cause of enormous disappointments. Sensitive children often imagine much more than they can actually accomplish and become very upset by their imperfections.
Over time, with patience and support from the adults around them, sensitive children will be able to connect with their rich inner world. They need to learn what their emotions are called and have space to express them. What a sensitive child needs most is an adult who can recognize his needs and take the lead in caring for him.
Causes of children's touchiness
Resentment
- this is a person’s negative experience of his failure, his rejection by people. But every person, and most of all a child, would like to feel his importance and value, at least from the people close to him. In some, this natural need is expressed to a greater extent, in others - to a slightly lesser extent. However, both children experience moments that are associated with how they are perceived.
Childish touchiness
- these are facts of the degree of vulnerability and vulnerability of a child in one or another area of self-image (character, appearance, abilities, etc.).
Let's look at the reasons
why a child may be upset and offended:
- The innate sensitivity of a child.
Some children are naturally emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, so they often get offended. Such children especially feel the need for attachment to their parents, their love, and acceptance by them with all their characteristics. - Parents' failure to accept their child's characteristics.
Many parents demonstrate that they will accept their child only if his behavior meets their requirements. Parents who are trying to harshly change a child, as if to “violate the boundaries of his comfort,” shaming him and depriving him of a warm relationship, provoke him to become even more offended. And the constant rejection of the child’s individuality (criticism, reproaches) contributes to the development of insecurity in the child and encourages him to think that he is not needed and is not loved. - The child reacts inappropriately because he senses the hostility of the world.
Faced with constant restrictions on various manifestations of his behavior, the child begins to see even neutral situations. He believes that everything is against him. Lacking the strength to resist external restrictions that humiliate his dignity, the child withdraws into himself and becomes offended. - The child understands that he does not meet the expectations of others.
In such cases, he either gets angry and behaves aggressively, or becomes annoyed and offended. - .
It happens that parents do not believe in the child’s independence, not allowing him to cope with difficulties on his own. Then he develops a fear of difficult situations and stress, and an inability to overcome them. Such a child will grow up with the expectation that everything will be done for him. And when faced with difficulties, he will sincerely be offended by the whole world. - Parents indulge the child's wishes.
In the case when parents strive to fulfill all the desires of the child and allow him to behave as he pleases, he will form the impression that the whole world owes him. A child who considers himself in charge will receive comments about his behavior. And, of course, he will be offended, since he is no less vulnerable than other children. - Child's expectations.
For example, a child thinks: “Mom should buy me something tasty every time,” but suddenly this does not happen. When faced with a different parent's idea of the current situation, the child becomes offended and protests.
"Advice. The best thing parents can do for the proper development of their child’s personality is to begin to perceive him as a unique person. Love the child for who he is."
Impressionable child
Elena, hello!
I just returned from vacation, so I’m only now answering your letter.
From what you describe, your daughter has very strong self-doubt. And it is likely that this is the basis of her irritability and inability to cope with simple matters. When we don't feel at peace with ourselves, we become anxious. And the emotion of anxiety torments and forces you to constantly defend yourself (with aggression, denial, refusal to do anything...).
In order for all the difficulties you listed to pass, it is necessary to deal with the source of this uncertainty and anxiety, and help your daughter become more and more self-confident and calm.
And to do this, it is important to understand the context of parent-child relationships and the history of your family as a whole. Many questions arise about when and under what circumstances the biological father left the girl’s life, and similarly, how the stepfather appeared. The birth of your second child occurs during the period of 6 years - exactly before school and this event could also be significant for your daughter.
It is important to understand that the child’s attitude towards himself is formed precisely in the context of the child-parent relationship. If a child is 100% sure that he is loved and accepted, he loves and accepts himself. And this is how confidence is formed within him. And if your daughter is insecure and constantly expects approval, this suggests that now she is really missing something in your relationship with her. Perhaps the disappearance of her own father or the appearance of her brother was traumatic for her. Perhaps she doesn’t feel love behind one or another of your actions, no matter how you try to convey this feeling to her... It can be very different, Elena. But understanding this context is very important.
To do this, seek face-to-face help from a psychologist who works with the whole family. A couple of consultations should be enough to see what mechanisms are currently working within your family system, and to suggest which of them may be preventing your daughter from feeling loved and needed. Once you understand this, you can come up with strategies to correct the situation and help your daughter become more confident!
It is very important, Elena, that you do not ignore the problem that exists. And now is the very moment when it is not so difficult to correct it: adolescence is ahead and there is time. Don't miss it!..
Good luck to you! Feel free to contact us if you have any questions or need help!
How to stop being afraid and impressionable?
Karamyan Karina Rubenovna, psychologist, psychotherapist, Moscow
Good answer5 Bad answer3
Dealing with the problem
Have you noticed that your child is in tears and offended? How to behave?
- You need to control yourself.
The crying of a child, especially, drives you crazy. It is important not to break down, even if this happens in a crowded place and for the tenth time. Control your emotions, be calm (at least outwardly): this way you will take the first step towards ensuring that your baby calms down. - We need to help the child calm down.
Be kind to the child, hug him. It is better to sit down so that your faces are at the same level: this way the explanations will be better received. When calming the child, stroke his head, hold his hand, stretching his fingers. This way the bad emotions will be left behind. - We need to sympathize.
Even if your child is just a baby, it is important to voice his feelings. He will understand that his mother is not indifferent to his problem, she understands everything and deeply sympathizes. Say several times: “You are upset, my little one, I understand you...”. - “You can’t” suddenly becomes “you can.”
This little secret will help prevent resentment and hysteria. Yes, you can’t eat ice cream, because it’s winter, but you can have a piece of delicious pie and juice. Yes, you can’t take your mother’s phone yourself, but you can play with it with your mother. To summarize: an unconditional “no” causes resentment, but a partial “no” does not cause such a negative emotion.
How to cope with increased excitability? [↑]
Sensitive people are usually characterized by increased excitability. There are some “secrets” that help deal with it. The most basic thing is to make sure that the child gets enough sleep, to increase the child’s self-confidence in every possible way, and to prepare the child for new situations in advance.
The child himself can also be taught some “techniques” that he can use when he feels that he is “on the limit”: you can drink water, take a walk, breathe deeply, wash yourself, you can imagine yourself inside a glass ball, or close your eyes, or listen inside himself to his favorite music, or simply leave the room where he feels too tense.
You can read more about sensitive children in Elaine N. Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Child.
Games for touchy kids
"Advice. It is important for parents to help their child comprehend his own world, realize his strengths and weaknesses. This way the child’s inner sense of self will be strengthened and there will be no room for resentment.”
Essentially, it is our attitude towards situations. Children often learn from their parents how they react to situations, actions and words of other people. Therefore, it is better for parents to monitor their behavior. And to prevent touchiness, special games are suitable:
- Name calling.
Sit next to your child and take it. Encourage them to say hurtful things to each other. Just discuss in advance what words are allowed. For example, not the rudest expressions, but the names of vegetables and fruits, animals, household items, and fairy-tale characters. Each appeal can begin with the words: “And you... pale toadstool!” Agree that after 5-6 calls, you will start saying pleasant words: “And you... my flower!” Speed of reaction and humor are important here. Point out to the child that this is just a fun game: there is no need to be offended. This game relieves stress. It's good when several children play it. - Zhuzha.
A leader is chosen - a “zhuzha”, around whom they run, tug at him, make faces, and tease him. When the “zhuzhe” gets tired of the harassment, he jumps up and tries to catch up with one of the offenders. Whoever is caught is the “zhuzha”. It is important that each child taking part in the game plays different roles. This game teaches you to manage your emotional state, become less touchy, and look at the world through the eyes of another person. - The Dragon.
It is better to have several participants. Having lined up and holding each other, you need to be the first in the line (“head”) and grab onto the last one (“tail”). When the “head” “grabs” the “tail”, you need to switch roles. It is important that all participants experience both roles. This game helps children who have communication problems become more self-confident and successfully join the children's team.
"Advice. It is important to look at children’s touchiness from the point of view of building the entire educational system in the family. It is important that there is agreement between the parents and that the child receives enough attention. Then there will be much less children’s grievances.”
How to deal with a touchy child
- Try to show your goodwill towards your child more often, so that he does not have to be reminded of this in different ways.
- If a child is offended that others are praised in his presence, explain to him that everyone who deserves it needs approval and praise.
- Build a relationship with your child on a partnership basis, explaining that everyone has their own intentions.
- Work with the child’s emotional sphere, strengthening it and teaching it how to perceive this or that situation and respond to it.
- Choose useful books and cartoons, based on which you can easily explain to your child the causes of grievances and successful ways out of different situations.
- Communicate with your child more often, explaining to him which grievances are appropriate and which are not.
- There is no need to reproach the child for his touchiness. It is impossible to prohibit being offended, but you can only develop the correct educational strategy to mitigate this feature.
- Make sure that the child does not accumulate resentment, but shares his feelings. Learn how to react correctly to offensive situations.
- There is no need to compare your child with other children and do not point out their superiority in something.
- Try to understand the reasons for the child’s excessive touchiness.
A note for the parent of a touchy child
- Show interest in your child's inner life.
- Teach your child to speak out loud about his thoughts and desires.
- When you express your requirements, be more specific.
- Teach your child to put yourself in another person's shoes.
- Explain to your child that the actions of people around are varied; let him realize it and accept it.
- Develop and strengthen your child’s opinion of himself, increase his self-esteem.
- Teach your child to look at many things with humor.
- Talk to your child about grievances and look for ways to overcome them.
video in which a psychologist examines the causes and consequences of adolescent touchiness
Be attentive to your child’s inner world, respect his opinion, accept and love him for who he is. This attitude will help raise an emotionally balanced and optimistic child who is able to cope with problems on his own.
Our expert is psychologist Svetlana Yablonskaya.
“Raise your child in his way...” [↑]
When approaching the education of sensitive children, let us remember the words of King Shlomo: Hanoch le-naar al-pi darko
- “Raise a child in his own way (in accordance with his nature), then even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it” (
Mishlei 22:6
). If we can understand sensitive children, we can help them blossom and unleash the amazing potential within them.
Rabbi Kelonimus Kalmish Shapiro in “The Responsibilities of Disciples” explains: “Since in every Jew from childhood the spirit of the Most High and the Divine soul are hidden, our task is to raise and educate, to prepare the child for the revelation, realization, development of this soul, to make him a real Jew, a servant of the Most High. This is exactly what King Shlomo spoke about: “Educate, Hanoch
...,” penetrate his soul and bring to light the Jewish holiness hidden there, and only then, “when he grows old, will he not leave him.” The path of education depends on the nature of the pupil, on his mind, spiritual qualities, etc., and the educator is obliged to know them.”
Type cannot be changed
At first glance, it may seem that “everything is wrong” for such a child, that he is overly spoiled and capricious.
In Russia, with its difficult history, a somewhat contemptuous and rude attitude of society towards people with a delicate structure has developed. Therefore, even loving parents often strive to “cure” their child of sensitivity in order to help him adapt to the harsh realities of life. But this is a big mistake - not only because such attempts cause pain to the child, but also because the type of nervous system cannot be changed.
In addition, high sensitivity is a rare virtue that gives a person additional opportunities. Of course, if you look at the world as a battlefield, then vulnerable people are not adapted to war. But it is precisely such individuals who are most inclined to bring beauty into the world.
Highly sensitive people are also called “orchid” people. And the orchid is not only more delicate and demanding than many other flowers, but also more beautiful.
