Not so long ago you doted on each other, but today you feel a wave of irritation. With your eyes you persistently look for shortcomings, fixate on them, without noticing good qualities. What is it, where did the happy marriage go? Has love really passed away? Psychologists believe that every family, at a certain stage of life together, experiences a marriage crisis, and those who emerge from it with dignity move to a new level of family relationships.
The beginning of family life
Hello, dear readers of the blog “Mom on the Internet”! This morning, with a smile, I remembered the day we got married, and so I decided to talk about it, since it was not at all traditional, and at the same time remember how our family life began, because for any woman this is so many new impressions at once.
I was finishing my 5th year, my future husband had been working for a long time, he was 27 (by the way, according to statistics, this is exactly the age at which most men live with their mother). It was easier to write a diploma than to constantly do and study something, so I gladly came to inspect our nest and went with my future husband to choose wallpaper and everything else.
As dad always joked, a woman needs to graduate from two universities - a regular one and “Get Successfully Married,” but closer to graduation, he spent a long time trying to persuade me to go to graduate school, because he himself was a great scientist, to which my mother playfully interrupted him and said, “Don’t spoil I have a daughter, we women have our own worries, we need to get married.” Mom also worked in science and published, but then devoted herself to her family.
Why did I want to get married so much? I wanted my man to finally stop coming to me halfway across the city and returning home in the dark, making me worry, I wanted to see him every day, take care of him and feed him delicious food. (As a child, I saw that my mother always gave the most delicious pieces to me and my dad, and I thought that I myself would never be able to do this until I met my man). There was no talk of children then; we wanted to enjoy life and travel together.
Practical advice for parents at the beginning of family life
Today, dear readers, I would like to reflect with you on the lives of our children. I won't make anything up. I won’t go into a children’s pedagogy course to find beautiful phrases. I will not give statistics and numbers. But I’ll just remember how the 20 years I lived together with my own children passed. And my mother and I have seven of them - four sons and three daughters. The eldest is 19, the youngest is 9. They are all different, each has their own character and temperament, personal opinion and special views on life... But in one thing they are similar: our children are in the Church. Both university students and teenage schoolchildren. They participate in the sacraments, pray, fast, and try to live as Christians as best they can. Orthodoxy today has become the most important component of their lives, and I want to believe that they will not leave the Church in the future. But man is a free being and can change his choice at any time. And only the Lord knows how they will live further...
This introduction was necessary so that my word about raising children would be more convincing to you. In everyday life, this is a common practice when the Unified State Exam tutor first shows the parents of a high school student his candidate’s degree and names the universities where his students are already studying. Builders present photos of built houses and cottages, as well as reviews from their customers; tailors - dresses and suits, jewelers, chefs, florists - their products and craftsmanship. A teacher’s calling card is his children. I don’t think anyone brought them up better than us. All happy families are similar to each other, including the upbringing of their children. Children in good and kind families are similar to each other in many ways. There is no need to argue with this. I started with the most important thing - I managed to save the children for a full-fledged church life. We will build on this. This means that no gross mistakes were made in the main line of our upbringing. Naturally, there were small ones; you couldn’t live without them. But overall, I think we managed to create a Christian spirit in our family. And now I turn to specifics.
Spouses should be like a “bundle” of climbers in their unity and movement towards the same goal
The beginning of family life, by the grace of God, was right - with the blessing of the confessor and without nonsense. I did not live with my wife before marriage and therefore I have the moral right to tell all young people that this is possible. Go ahead. Our first-born was born 10 months after the wedding, and my wife and I began to practically comprehend the science of Christian education. If we succeeded in something, the reason was our complete unanimity. We practically did not argue or quarrel with each other. My wife was and remains a true friend and helper for me. We really perceived our children as talents given to us by God to multiply. There was a feeling of enormous responsibility for the new life and immortal soul of man. I’m talking about this after 20 years of marriage. Spouses should be like a “bundle” of climbers or a team of horses - in their unity and movement towards one goal. In our case, in raising children. It is very important in marriage to understand each other perfectly, for husbands to argue less with their wives over trifles, and to do more themselves. Speak kind words to your wives more often and give them flowers, because they are the mothers of our children. If mutual understanding and unanimity are found, then there will certainly be good fruits of education.
Separate housing should be preferred to everything else
The next moment in the life of a young family is communication with relatives. I'll tell you how it was with us. We have always lived separately from our parents. Always, then and now. Our confessor blessed us to live this way, and we are especially grateful to him for this. If we lived with our parents, then... Definitely, everything would be different, most likely, not for the better. Today, living together, in one apartment, with two generations is almost impossible. We, both children and parents, have lost the tradition and culture of living together. In a separate country house it is still possible, but in an apartment it is not. How did we, a student family, manage to live separately? At first we lived in Sergiev Posad, opposite the Lavra, where I then studied at the theological academy. My parents rented out a garage in Moscow, and with this money it was possible to rent a small apartment in Posad. Those were the times! Having moved to Moscow, we looked for different options for separate living, the Lord helped in every possible way... We started our family life very modestly, saved on a lot, but always saved money first for rent, and then for the purchase of a small, but our own home. It was our priority to live separately. Today, many young families live differently - they spend their honestly accumulated funds on an expensive car or purchasing a plot of land, vacationing abroad or buying prestigious and expensive things. But we should save up for separate housing, where a young family can live fully. Separate housing should be preferred to everything else. I am convinced that if you live honestly and according to conscience in marriage, then with God’s help the housing problem will definitely be resolved.
Usually, at the beginning of family life, “parenting days” are discussed. There is no need to visit your parents often, just as you don’t need them to come to your house. These tips are for those who managed to leave and live separately. A young family should be fully established in its independent life. This will be useful for everyone - both parents and children. In many ways, it is much more difficult for those living with their parents, and today I will refrain from giving advice on this problem... You need to carefully ensure that relatives coming into the family do not violate the established routines and rules. Only like-minded people and well-wishers come to the house. Children should feel the action of a single, cohesive team of adults around them. All temptation and sin are excluded. Let me explain from personal experience. A person close to me regularly came to us to “help with the children” while drunk. We had to send him away, and sometimes not let him into the house. There were grievances and tears, but we were adamant - the children should not have seen this disgrace. It is very important that children are raised by their parents, and the participation of grandparents is auxiliary and temporary.
The conditions for Christian upbringing in a large family are close to ideal.
I will repeat the common truth - all children who are blessed by the Lord must be born. The conditions for Christian upbringing in a large family are close to ideal. You just need to use them correctly. It is easier for the parents themselves in such a family, despite the abundance of work and worries, to raise their children to be Christians, and simply good people. Many factors contribute to this. I won’t list them, I just urge you to take my word and that of other parents with many children that this is really so. In a word, born children should be perceived by everyone as the greatest value.
Each family has its own personality. It is created by the good way of life and traditions established in the family. From the very beginning of family life, these traditions must be created. For example, a wife should accompany her husband to work in the morning, and he must call home from work at least once; in the evening everyone gets together for a family dinner; go on visits and spend weekends together. The list goes on, but the main thing is that all of the above creates family life in the spirit of Christian love. It is better not to break these rules and traditions. A good example is the most important thing that our children should constantly see. Christian upbringing of children is mainly based on this. The spirit creates its own form. How many parents remember this common truth? The atmosphere of home and family shapes not only the character and abilities of the child, but also his inner world and value system. It is important to connect external works and their internal content. For example, from infancy, children should see that their parents pray daily - morning and evening, ideally together. First, the baby crawls and plays during prayer, and later becomes a participant in joint family prayer. He understands that if dad and mom pray every day, then prayer is very necessary in life. It is important to observe moderation and prudence in introducing children to fasting, visiting church, participating in the sacraments, and reading the Holy Scriptures. The important thing here is not to overdo it. The principle is well known to everyone - less is better, but with eagerness and joy - it should be fulfilled in life. You cannot perform external labor to the detriment of the development of a person’s good qualities. For example, children fast - and at the same time they constantly lie and do not want to help with the housework; they go to church, and then “sit” on the Internet for hours, talk impudently to adults, or simply laze around. This is a reason for a serious conversation about life, and parents should see and correct these problems. In addition to purely spiritual works, in every family there is simply human good deeds. For example, a child is taught to give slippers to his dad when he comes home from work, to ask permission to eat something tasty, to take a blessing from his parents, to say “magic” words and to remain silent in the presence of adults... It is completely normal when children are not allowed to do everything, and they regularly hear useful words. the words “no” and “cannot”. All these are also components of Christian education.
From personal experience of family life, I will add that if you work with patience and humility for the good of the family, then good fruits will certainly come. The family will really become a small “piece of heaven”, and small children will be somewhat like angels. This similarity varies from family to family, but it exists. I mentioned small children because as they grow older, our children will lose their angelic properties more and more. It's sad to say this, but this is the truth of our life. Christian education with structure and order will “link” children, like living cells, with the single body of the family. If this happens, then the separation of children from their family will be a painful and difficult matter, and therefore unjustified and even meaningless. This means that you will be able to survive not only the vulnerable and painful adolescence, but also other equally difficult periods of life. Why should children from a normal family lose everything without getting anything in return?
If children had a happy childhood, then the memory of it will last a lifetime. It will be preserved as the best and most unique time. Good memories of childhood kept many people from making serious mistakes and steps. A person who had a happy childhood will be able to make his children happy too. And this is the most important thing that we, adults, can give to our children. This is the main pedagogical task that the Lord and our daily life sets before us.
TO BE CONTINUED.
