My husband left me, the house burned down, I was fired from my job... It's time to find happiness and love!

Life is like a fog

As the head of the family, Oleg was the first to tell his story: “My parents divorced early. I was raised by my mother. She was very good to me, but she passed away very early in life - when I turned 16 years old. My father drank alcohol and also died early. I lived with my grandmother. Like many, he served in the army, returned, and got a job at the Chemical Fiber Plant. At the age of 20, I got married and had a son. Then, like many people in those years, problems with work began. Well, as usual, friends and drinks went. And what kind of friends are with alcohol - you can guess for yourself. There can't be any normal people there.

I destroyed everything I had. The marriage didn't work out. My grandmother was a respected person; she worked in the police for many years. She, of course, suffered with me. I contacted a woman who essentially had a brothel in her apartment. And I don’t even remember how time passed: I just lay there and they brought me a drink. With a height of more than 180 centimeters, I weighed 56 kilograms. My legs were giving out. Grandmother could not stand it all and died. I understood that drinking would not lead to anything good, I tried to quit, but again and again I returned to the damned potion.”

The drinking was accompanied by terrible depression. Everyone gave up on Oleg, believing that he was a complete loser. Poverty and hunger became his constant companions. He stupidly collected the bulls to take out the remaining tobacco from them and smoke. Oleg knew nothing about social assistance, about who he could turn to for support.

My husband was left without work: what to do? Woman's look

Yes, it happened again. Four years ago, my husband also lost his job. For what reasons, he didn’t say, but it seems that he managed to get some kind of “parachute”, and for six months I didn’t even suspect that I was the only one working in the family. Two schoolchildren, and a mother helping with household chores and homework. In addition, there was a mortgage in foreign currency, which my husband paid from his income, and somehow I didn’t particularly monitor the amount of debt and in general I didn’t really count expenses. But six months later the “parachute” ran out and the looming debts became threatening.

His attempts to start his own business, as I understand it, did not end in anything. Yes, I didn’t torture him with questions, I just hinted, sometimes with a scandal, that it was time to start looking for a permanent job. Then it turned out that my husband found a job, and in two years we managed to pay off the rest of the mortgage, while denying ourselves a lot.

But we are already over 40, and it will become more and more difficult to find a job. In such a situation, thinking about a decent pension, your home, where your grandchildren will come, the opportunity to travel, brings great melancholy. How to maintain love for an unemployed husband, how to explain to children why their dad doesn’t work and can’t buy them a dress or a gift, and how to save a marriage after 20 years of marriage...?

I support my husband, I don’t pester him with questions, I don’t pry into his soul - I understand that it’s difficult for him without me. I tolerate! How long will I be able to do this? It's easy to get caught up in reproaches and disappointment. But the understanding that this will not improve the situation in any way stops it. But I don’t know how I can help him in his search. And who even can? Unless this post will receive valuable comments about other job search opportunities. We can only hope and believe that he will not give up and will continue to look for his new path, because he has a lot of experience, a fluent language, a good economic education, although he recently worked in sales.

This text is not to cry about fate. It is for those who sit in the office and complain that they are underpaid for their supposedly deserved work and the appearance of work, or were underpaid a bonus. They must remember that in life anything can happen and they need to be prepared for anything. With rising costs and declining profits, workforces are becoming less secure. Therefore, a man needs to hold on to his job, and the most important thing for a woman is to maintain love in the family.

Photo: twitter.com

Since the text touches on very personal issues, the editorial staff of Executive.ru decided to publish the material as an exception without attribution. We also decided to accompany the text with comments from a financier, psychologist and HR specialist.

Kirill Schmidt, partner at WealthCare.ru
Petr Bochkarev, psychologist, HSE
Tatiana Ananyeva, Apostrophe-Media

Kirill Schmidt, partner at WealthCare.ru
Foreign currency mortgages, fortunately, are no longer a problem for this family. As for passive income... In the current situation, this is roughly like telling a lung cancer patient about the dangers of smoking. The crisis has already happened. Arguing about what should have been postponed earlier will not improve the situation. Without some income and savings, a passive source of income cannot be created. The first thing the hero will have to do is find a job. The author knows this: the last sentence contains a financial and psychological formula for success.

Petr Bochkarev, psychologist, HSE

If the model “Husband is the breadwinner, wife maintains the family” does not cope with the crisis, is it necessary to continue to follow it? There are other activities of a man: raising children, relationships with his wife, friends, hobbies... By “investing” in other roles, the husband feels less vulnerable and finds balance. Tactful support is required from the wife. About shopping. Children need their father's attention more than toys. You can develop a temporary “lean” acquisition strategy. You can overcome awkwardness and talk openly with your children about upcoming restrictions.

Tatiana Ananyeva, Apostrophe-Media

In Russia, it is difficult for candidates 40+ to change jobs. Moreover, there is a habit of changing for the better, but here there will most likely be a “plateau” option. Unless, of course, this is a rare, unique specialist or a person with a reputation or a strong personal brand. It is important not to “hold on” to any job, including the one you don’t like. It is better to choose it carefully. And, of course, you need to calculate the consequences of your decisions: act more carefully, thoughtfully and strategically. And don’t stop developing in order to be competitive. Moreover, there is an important advantage of experience.

Needle time

Oleg led such a lifestyle not for a year or two, but for almost ten years. He was ashamed and tried not to meet his acquaintances. Oleg admits: “Everything was drunk, everything was destroyed. I lost my job, people's respect. I didn’t even have electricity in my house—everything was turned off. And one day the time for the needle came.”

Oleg injected ephedrine. His drinking buddies got him hooked on drugs. Once the group drank all night, and in the morning Oleg remembered that he needed to go to the factory, to work. Despite his strong intoxication, he understood that absenteeism would threaten him with dismissal, and he panicked: he couldn’t go to work in this state, especially since his bosses said that local television would come to film a story about them. One of his “friends” calmed him down. They say he has a miracle cure: give him an injection and everything will be fine. "Drug?" “Even though Oleg was drunk, he was scared. “No, just a tonic,” the friend reassured. Oleg agreed. And, indeed: he sobered up, worked a normal 12-hour shift. By the way, something didn’t work out for the TV people back then, and they didn’t come.

...A gram of ephedrine cost 5 lats, it was enough for 2 doses. Oleg spent all his money on drugs, took them out of the house and sold all his things. Life passed as if in a fog. To get something hot to eat, dejected and penniless Oleg went to a soup kitchen for lunch, standing in a line that was essentially humiliating for a 30-year-old man. I didn’t go through trash bins, but I had to beg. The donated pack of pasta lasted three days.

“One day I returned home,” Oleg recalls. – I injected myself with a dose and thought: Lord, what am I doing?! Lord, if you exist, bring me out and I will serve you. He stood up with the last of his strength, took the remaining drugs and poured them into the sink. After that, of course, I had psychological withdrawals, but I didn’t regret it. It helped me that I was a believer.”

Shock therapy

Well, if it suddenly happens that your spouse is not particularly eager to look for work, leave the household chores to him and go to work yourself. Someone has to feed the family. Don’t forget to make a list of things for him to do for the day, otherwise, out of ignorance, he may forget something. Cook soup for your arrival or pick up a child from kindergarten... They say there have been such cases. In general, after such shock therapy, a spouse who is not accustomed to housework will quickly understand that housework and raising children is also work, and sometimes also around the clock, without weekends or holidays, except, perhaps, on March 8th. True, there is always a risk that he will like it...

They say money

have a detrimental effect on people. Based on this, their deficiency should awaken the best traits in us. This is exactly what happens. However, this does not apply to the stronger sex, who are sometimes left without work, but to their lovers. It is the female gender that must demonstrate patience, correctness and wisdom. Moreover, this is in the interests of the whole family.

Woman

She is flexible, she wants to maintain harmony in family relationships and strives to continue the family line on an instinctive level. And if a man needs support, then it is the wife who should lend her shoulder and encourage him with her smile every day. Because only his faithful wife can help a man survive during a period of financial difficulties.

Out of grief

Oleg and Vera met in one of the “fun” companies. And it so happened that they were coming out of alcohol addiction together.

“I was born into a full, large family,” says Vera. - Dad was drinking. When Perestroika began, we were already adults; my father lost his job and, together with my mother, began to drink frequently. I had my own family. I was nineteen years old when I gave birth to my first child, and a year later, my second. We lived very well. I always despised people who drank. I didn’t understand them, especially those who had children. But the time came, and I started drinking myself. When my husband drowned, I felt very bad. I was left alone with two children: the girl was seven years old, the boy was six. My nerves couldn't stand it. Friends and girlfriends brought alcohol and calmed me down. It all started with beer, then I switched to strong drinks. And I didn’t notice how I began to drink too much. I lost my job because of drinking. There was no one to help me; all my friends somehow “evaporated.”

Listen carefully

Quitting my job was a very emotional experience for my husband. At times his reaction fluctuated from one extreme to another. One night he would be ranting, the next he would almost cry. His self-esteem took a huge hit, which led him to experience anger, shame and mistrust. I decided to just let him talk. I just listened to him. This became a great outlet for his feelings. Yes, this could not change the situation, but my husband very quickly began to feel better.

No one needs it

Vera's children were taken away and her parental rights were deprived. She stopped drinking, but soon returned to the addiction. She got married again. But there was no stability, and the children were not returned to Vera. The woman was starving; in her refrigerator, as she admits, at that time “a mouse hanged itself.” Ashamed, she went to the soup kitchen for a piece of bread and a bowl of stew. More than 10 years have flown by senselessly.

Vera was sure that she, as a seamstress, would always find work. However, when going around the city sewing enterprises, which were always experiencing a shortage of personnel, he and his friend were refused everywhere.

“I realized that I was nobody and nothing,” Vera recalls. “My despair was so strong that I knelt down at home and began to pray: Lord, if you don’t help me, all I can do is commit suicide. A little time passed, and a neighbor invited me to church with her. There was nothing to eat at home, but they provided food there. From the moment I repented, everything in my life began to slowly improve.”

Vera maintains a warm relationship with her son and daughter from her first marriage. She is very glad that the children understood her and forgave her. The daughter now has her own family, there is a child, so Vera is a grandmother.

Don't make this mistake!

“While I’m working, honey, look for something you like,” - how many strong, brave and intelligent women were burned by this mistake! Today a woman works hard for three, providing for her family while her husband studies or builds a career, starting with a pittance salary, and tomorrow he leaves her for a young secretary or a more promising lady, leaving her alone or, even worse, with children in a very difficult situation. No one is stopping a man from earning extra money and looking for a good job at the same time, or from studying and earning money at the same time. Yes, it’s not easy, but it’s effective. Fortunately, in our high-tech age, only the lazy cannot find a freelance job, even if it is not very well paid, but still a job. Don’t take on everything, give him the opportunity to contribute to the financial stability of the family.

Life after

Everything is fine in the lives of Oleg and Vera now. They have a little daughter. The couple rejoices at her and makes plans for the future. Oleg found a job and dreams of buying a car. Vera is currently staying at home with the girl, but plans to get a job as soon as the child starts kindergarten. Moreover, she has the right specialty.