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The mother-in-law said: “I don’t have to sit with my grandchildren”...
- Dima, who will we send the children to this weekend? - I asked my husband - To your mother or to my parents? Last time my mom and dad were sitting, and the time before too.
The husband scratched the back of his head thoughtfully
We have long been accustomed to taking a break from our children twice a month. We sent our two sons, 4 and 6 years old, Mishka and Pashka, to visit their parents on Friday evening and picked them up on Saturday afternoon.
Thus, my husband and I had the opportunity to be alone, enjoying the silence, or go somewhere - to a cafe, to visit or to a concert.
“Let’s go to yours,” the husband answered after thinking, “my mother called yesterday, her blood pressure is going up again.” She will be in bed over the weekend.
“As always,” I spread my hands, “your mother got sick at the most inopportune moment.”
I immediately remembered my recent conversation with my mother-in-law
Lyudmila Borisovna, that was the name of my husband’s mother, suddenly, out of the blue, said: “I don’t have to sit with my grandchildren.” I don’t know what prompted her to make this statement, but it was said quite emotionally. I was even taken aback at first.
“You know, Nastenka,” the mother-in-law began her monologue. – I’m no longer 20, not 30, or even 40 years old. I can hardly stand the scream of your children. They don't listen to me. Everything I suggest doing is not interesting to them.
They don’t want to read, they run and jump all the time, and just in case they hurt themselves. After your children stay with me, I lie flat all week - suffering from pressure. This is not to mention my back and legs, I can’t even sit down with them.
I looked at my mother-in-law and was amazed
And she has enough strength and health to go to the theater and meet with friends, but not for her own grandchildren. Twice a year - sometimes to a sanatorium, sometimes to the sea. And he looks ten years younger than what is written in his passport.
Apparently, Lyudmila Borisovna had a similar conversation not only with me. And since Dima, like a loving son, is sensitive to his mother’s health, we again took the children to my parents.
My dad opened the door
The boys immediately hung around his neck. From the kitchen came the breathtaking smell of freshly baked pies.
Mishka and Pashka, without having time to take off their jackets, immediately saddled up their grandfather and rushed off to fight the enemy, shouting at the top of their lungs: “Hurray!!”
“Dad, be careful,” I barely had time to shout after them, “you have a bad back.”
With children comes maturity, and with grandchildren comes youth.
- folk wisdom
“It’s okay, Nastya,” my mother answered for her father. “When you bring your little boys to grandpa and me, we forget about all our ailments.” It’s as if we’re instantly twenty years younger, and neither my back nor my blood pressure bother me.
I looked at my husband
He sat looking at the patterns on the wallpaper. He looked lost. He probably understood that it was not a matter of age and the number of sores acquired over the years.
“Dima, let’s go home,” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder.
My husband looked at me with gratitude, then at his mother-in-law.
“Thank you, Nadezhda Vasilievna,” he said without specifying why, and we said goodbye.
We drove home in silence. Everyone thought about their own things.
Dima tried to figure out how to awaken love for her grandchildren in his mother.
Well, I mean that children will grow up and figure out for themselves who they love more and why.
Recorded from the words of Anastasia L.
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Why shouldn't a grandmother and isn't obligated to sit with her grandchildren?
Who are modern young grandmothers? These are women from 40 to 60 years old who are still full of strength, healthy and good looking. They found their business, realized themselves, raised children, freed themselves from the hassle associated with them and finally want to live for themselves. Many of them are still working, others have just retired and have those golden years planned out: travel, entertainment, activities, relationships. This is the best time in a woman’s life, when there is still health, but wisdom has already appeared, when a woman becomes internally free and sensual. She enjoys every moment of life - and therefore values \u200b\u200btime and her energy much more.
And suddenly the children present her with a surprise - a grandson or granddaughter. In our country there is a cultural code that dictates that a grandmother MUST give up all her business and devote herself to her grandchildren; she simply, by definition, cannot have anything more important. Most grandmothers will do this. But not all. Some grandmothers will perceive such a requirement as a violation of boundaries, and the need to sit with their grandson as a decrease in the quality of their life. In fact, should a woman, during this period of wonderful self-feeling, take care of her grandchildren? Can she say a categorical “no” to her children and refuse to care for her grandchildren or severely limit the time she devotes to her grandchildren without feeling guilty or coming under a barrage of criticism from her children and all her relatives and friends?
Psychologist Lelya Chizh talks on Rambler/Family about how to distribute responsibilities for caring for a grandson or granddaughter fairly and how to come to a balance in this matter.
Caring for a child is the responsibility of those who made the decision to bring him into the world, that is, the parents.
I propose to take this as an axiom. If you want a child, proceed from whether you can raise it yourself. Even if you have grandparents, consider their help as a gift, as a bonus, and not as an obligation to you.
Young parents complain about their grandparents that at first they promise to help in every possible way, convince them that they can be counted on as a free babysitter, and when the offspring appear, the position changes radically: they can’t, they have to work, it’s too hard, they’ve suddenly aged. As a result, children feel betrayed and conflict increases in the family.
But in fact, circumstances may change for grandparents, they may suddenly find a job they like, or fall in love, get married, move to another city or another country, or get sick. Or it will simply turn out that in practice sitting with a grandson is not at all what it is in theory; it is hard work for which they do not have the strength or desire.
No matter what your grandparents promise you, they are living people, they can change their minds and have the right to do so. Therefore, think in advance how you will cope if you are suddenly left without help.
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A grandmother may have something more important than her grandson.
Yes, yes, just imagine! For some reason, it is believed that a woman should by default love all these children's things: diapers, cereals, lullabies. And if not? What if the grandmother is an interesting, independent woman who, having already gone through the hardships of parenthood, wants to live for herself?
She has a high rank and social status, she loves her job and doesn’t want to quit for anything, she wants to go on a trip for two years with her beloved man, or she (she’s selfish!) just wants to relax and have fun, visit theaters with her friends, learn ballroom dancing and go to restaurants to try the cuisine of different countries.
How can such a grandmother define her boundaries? For example, the children ask her to quit her job (even this is par for the course with us) and look after her grandson. If she doesn't want to, but agrees out of love for the children, she will feel like a victim. How can I refuse her and not feel guilty? For this you need:
Clear agreements.
Type: classic granny
Many women believe that the sacred duty of a grandmother is to take on all the worries about her grandchildren: sit during illness, take them to kindergarten, school, clubs and sections, feed, go for walks, do homework, and let the parents go about their business.
Yes, but... On the one hand, your parents are pleased with your care and willingness to be there 24 hours a day, but on the other hand, it can be stressful. At some point they will want to free themselves from your hyper-presence, but no matter what! You know better how to treat bronchitis in a child and what was assigned in mathematics. It's hard to argue with this - you really know better. They hardly see the child. But subconsciously they may feel uncomfortable because they are constantly in your debt. And consciously - due to the fact that your views on education often do not correspond to their beliefs. For example, they may think that you spoil your child too much. And this irritation can spill out in the form of reproaches addressed to you.
By the way
American researchers have found that caring for grandchildren reduces the risk of developing dementia and Alzheimer's disease. Thus, grandmothers who babysit their grandchildren at least once a week performed better on cognitive tests than those who do not see the younger generation.
What to do
- Distance yourself slightly. It’s one thing to help, but quite another to dissolve. And it is useful for parents to take more responsibility for their child. Otherwise, they will never learn to be independent.
- Think about your problems. For example, your spouse probably feels abandoned if you disappear all day long from your son or daughter's family. And you probably have health problems that cannot be neglected.
- Stop feeling guilty if your parents reproach you for spoiling your grandchildren. Psychologists believe that grandmothers should be pampered! Each generation has its own tasks. The task of parents is to raise a child, to demand. And you have already raised your children, so you can loosen control and just enjoy communication - play, fool around, prepare your grandson’s favorite buns. It is important for a child to have such a rear. This allows him to grow up more confident.
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. We conclude a peace treaty Read more
My mom doesn't want to sit with her grandchildren
I think that grandparents are not at all obligated to watch their grandchildren. Just as grown-up children should ideally live separately, no one’s interests will be infringed upon, and therefore there will be fewer conflicts. My mother took more care of the primary needs - rations and clothes, for 2 years I generally lived with my grandmother - my mother’s mother (my grandfather died long ago before me) and then spent 3 months in the summer with her (at the same time she also worked at 1.5 times the rate and helped my parents financially, at least in the beginning - then they renovated her apartment and bought furniture and brought imported boots from Moscow) My grandmother and I were friends, even when I grew up, my dad was always on an equal footing with me (he always hung up when he came in into the sales room as a child) and never imposed anything, but demanded discipline - for him my problems were never childish and insignificant. When I became pregnant at 28 and told my mother, she did not react in ANY way (my father had already died by that time) - after the birth of my son, she came to my maternity hospital and then came to visit me a month later - because after 15 minutes the child began to cry and I began She was seriously offended by them, “For once I came to see you and you don’t have time for me, they say, let him cry and calm down - When you were little, I had everything according to the regime...” Until the age of 3, she gave her grandson NOTHING ( I didn’t give him any candy, a couple of times I stayed with him for a couple of hours FOR MONEY when I needed to see a doctor. At the same time I told you that you wanted to rest, and I’m sitting here with YOUR child. At first I was offended by such indifference, but then I let go situation. But at the age of 3, everything changed - I took him once a week to a speech therapist on the other side of the city by bus (the journey to the 2nd end is about 1.5 hours) - at first for money, then like that - sometimes I even went out with him halfway to take a walk in the park at the fountain, I started giving clothes - always to suit my size and to my taste (like I don’t care that you need winter pants - I like jeans and bullshit that you already have 3 pieces) Now my son is 8 and she can just come and visit her for a walk. with him for an hour (during the holidays so that he doesn’t have to sit alone) and sometimes pick him up from school - but only when she wants and is offended if, for example, she decided to come tomorrow at 12 to 14 - but for us it’s not at all like we go to the doctor at 13 and It’s more convenient for me to take him to work in the morning and from there to a doctor not far from work. But I’m grateful to her for such help.
And with the second pregnancy, my mother is like a second youth - already at the very beginning she gave us onesies, calls all the time asking about our health. I have severe toxicosis + fever, so she came specially to take my son out for a walk so that I could lie down. In addition, she continues to work and gets very tired.
But with my mother-in-law, it’s the other way around - the first time I found out, I just shed a tear, handed over the soup when I arrived from the orphanage - but for 2 years, she only fed him treats and nursed him in her arms so that he would fall asleep - and she was so afraid that he was a small child (up to 3 months, she was generally afraid to touch him) - she didn’t come to visit us, but she always invited her to her place. When it was time for me to go to work - my son was 1.8 and we got into the kindergarten at 2 - she left work (now I understand that she did it for herself) she said no nanny, because there is a grandmother - I offered to compensate her for the loss of salary - she refused - we still gave her gifts for the same amount, and I VERY regretted that we didn’t hire a nanny - she didn’t fulfill any of my requests regarding nutrition and regime and lied that she did everything as I asked - we already had a strict regime like in the garden (which is very important for children with neurology) - she has no concept of time at all - for a walk after she feeds the child with a spoon and necessarily the whole plate even through force, she has breakfast herself and drinks coffee - in short, by lunchtime, accordingly sleep when he completely breaks down - around 4 o'clock - which means in the evening he doesn't want to sleep at all and in the morning we all have to go to work. I already explained it to her and brought her articles to read, to no avail, she said she understood, but everything was her own way. I brought my food to the child / (you’ll feed it in the evening) they say it’s very tasty - in general, she cooks tasty but not healthy everything with pork, fried, fatty, spicy and salty - in short, it’s not at all dietary and very high in calories and always sweets and buns - after all, “you have to eat heartily” “- at the same time, it is often allergic (I fed my nephew 30 kg at 1.5 years old - they lived with their parents for 8 months - now the girl is overweight + hormonal disorders) In short, I could barely wait until kindergarten and tried to leave the child with her as little as possible, and when he got older I explained to him that if he doesn’t want to, he may not finish eating / When he was sick, she sat with him. We went to visit my grandmother A year ago, my husband’s father died; for some reason, my mother-in-law didn’t call him an ambulance for 3 days (we were out of the country for those 3 days) and apparently because of this, she was wedged; now she is practically living with her youngest son; it’s really his poop considers it, she copied everything to him, bypassing the elder - and he doesn’t want to pay for anything - lured him away from his pregnant wife and daughter to herself - supposedly he gets very tired there and his wife doesn’t cook soup for him - he lived with his mother for six months, there’s no money for the family He gave it because he decided to examine his health, apparently he bought food for himself; he was not used to saving on himself, but his mother cried all the time that she did not know how to pay for her apartment. She kept asking her daughter-in-law why she wouldn’t have an abortion - like she’d burdened her son and no one needed this child - then she wondered why she didn’t want to communicate with her, and dad wasn’t at all interested in what the family lived on and how the pregnancy was going. She went to see her grandson for the first time and so far the only time when he was 3 months old - now he’s 7, for this reason I didn’t tell her about my pregnancy and don’t want to tell her - my husband is 100% in favor / He calls us only if we need to solve problems for our sons (my husband seems to and it’s not her son who’s her husband, it’s very upsetting)
Type: modern grandmother
Such women are not ready to be just grandmothers. And some are not ready for this role at all: “What grandchildren, I’m still young!” And they are really young inside: active, energetic, work hard, enjoy dancing, don’t miss a single fashion premiere, travel, follow fashion... Lock yourself at home, dedicating yourself to your grandchildren? No, it's not for them. It’s easy to go for a walk on the weekend, go to the circus or the zoo!
Yes, but... Young parents may be annoyed by this position. Remember, in their youth, all people over fifty seem very old. So they are sincerely perplexed as to why you need dancing and high-heeled shoes “at such and such a time!” And some even consider their advanced mothers to be terrible egoists: “Is work really more important to her than her own grandson?!” And, even if they don’t say it out loud to you, rest assured: they mean it.
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What to do
- Explain to your daughter or son that you can look after your grandchildren, but you don't have to give up your life. A child is primarily the responsibility of mom and dad. And you will be happy to help.
- To defuse the situation, ask what kind of help they want from you. Consider how this relates to your capabilities. Again, you shouldn't give up on your plans. But you can certainly make adjustments. For example, move the pool to the evening and devote the day to your grandson. Or take the baby to your place for the weekend. This will be useful for everyone: the parents will take a break from the child, the child will take a break from them, and you will get a lot of joyful emotions.
Of course, there are many more types of grandmothers than the two described. And for sure you will be able to become the best granny in the world for your grandchildren!
Children are the flowers of life
Children are the flowers of life, but caring for them requires a lot of work. This is not the same as watering your flowers once a week.
In addition, parents often have too many rules: what to do with their children in their absence, where they can go for walks, what they can and cannot feed.
That is why one grandmother simply refused to sit with her grandchildren when her daughter-in-law decided to go to work. She said it would turn into a nine-hour day for her caring for her grandchildren, with travel time included, and she probably would have done it for her second son, but "there are a lot of rules around watching these kids."
The children follow a strict vegetarian diet, but the grandmother herself will have to cook. The daughter-in-law is “very strict about language”, how and what can be said to children, what words to use in their presence, and what is prohibited. The daughter-in-law also has strict rules regarding TV. In addition, for a four-year-old son, there is always some kind of homework that the grandmother will have to do together with her grandson.
But that would be nothing. The main reason why the grandmother refused to sit with her grandchildren is the fact that the daughter-in-law dictates what guests can come to the mother-in-law when the children are in her care.
The daughter-in-law is generally against any guests. This has nothing to do with the pandemic, the daughter-in-law simply considers the woman’s friends to be “bad people” who can have a bad influence on the children.
