My poor. Should a man earn money?
Although some men are not particularly worried about the fact that they are sitting on their wife’s neck.
My neighbor is working two jobs, and her husband, a creative person, has been looking for work for three years. In one place he is not satisfied with the boss, in another the size of the salary, and in a third he does not see serious prospects for himself. At the same time, you won’t even ask him to throw out the trash.
And there are a lot of such examples - women complain about their husbands who are dragged through life - no money, no help, no care. True, they are in no hurry to leave their unlucky husbands.
This is explained by the fact that such women like the role of the victim. It gives them the opportunity to feel their exclusivity and irreplaceability. Women with low self-esteem gravitate towards playing victims. As a result, by their behavior, they themselves essentially form parasites out of their husbands.
Moreover, sometimes it happens that if another woman is next to this man, then he changes radically. And suddenly it turns out that he is able to support his family and take care of it.
My friend’s husband lost his job just when she returned from maternity leave. For a long time he tried to find a new one, then he got a job as a security guard in some bank. The fact that his wife earned more did not bother him, and at first, neither did she. And then desperate melancholy set in and she filed for divorce.
“I want an interesting man next to me, who strives for something, and does not sit at home watching TV,” she explained.
But the funniest thing is that her ex-husband, having remarried, turned into an exemplary breadwinner. He works hard at two jobs, provides for his wife and newborn child, and, apparently, he likes it.
We tried for a long time to understand why he behaved differently with his previous wife, and came to the conclusion that men often behave the way women themselves allow them.
What to do?
Stop putting everything on yourself. A man should feel responsible for his family. And if the wife constantly strives to put the burden on her, then the husband very quickly gets used to the role of another child in the family. In this way you are only raising an egoist and an infantile person.
Encourage any attempts by your husband to correct the situation, let him understand that you believe in him and need him. Under the weight of responsibility, men usually begin to act.
Another thing is that there are individuals who stubbornly do not want to shoulder this very responsibility. And all the woman’s efforts in this regard will be defeated by the infantilism and consumerist attitude of the chosen one. And in this case, you need to think about whether it’s worth spending your energy and life on it.
What do they think about this?
“Even if a low-earning husband has the most wonderful human qualities, I don’t want to pay for his spiritual comfort and dedication to his profession, and I don’t want family happiness with a gigolo, it’s humiliating.” Mashshsha
“Get rid of these guys!!! or not spend the money you earn on them. What's the point of keeping this ruminant? Marusik.
“If a woman is worried about her income, and a man sees this and does nothing, then the woman is not significant enough for him.” Ilya.
“I think that in a family people have the right to live in a way that is convenient for both of them. And if it so happens that the wife wants (and succeeds) in building a career and working hard from morning till night, while the husband takes care of all the rear issues with children, apartment, cleaning, etc., then this is very cool.” . Svetlana.
“The woman in this case is to blame herself. Why does she even work three jobs, her husband doesn’t earn money and she doesn’t tell him anything? Will this husband look for work in such a situation? Of course not". Denis.
“This is a private matter between the two partners. But only as long as both are satisfied with it. The money in the family should be earned by the one who does it better . Margot.
"New Business"
A man should earn more than a woman
In society, it is customary to equate masculinity with income level. Therefore, it is believed that a man is a breadwinner, and a woman is a “loser” if she has not found a rich man. Moreover, if a man earns less than a woman, he often experiences enormous pressure from society and great stress.
Why is it harmful
I have never heard of a girl being taught: “You are a girl, you have to feed your family.” They only say that to boys. This can affect the model of distribution of financial responsibility in a couple - it simply falls entirely on the man and is removed from the woman, because with such a model, a woman may not take into account the financial aspect when choosing a job or not work at all.
As a result, the man lacks the woman’s financial inclusion in the family budget, and greater responsibility begins to put pressure on him, while the woman lacks fulfillment and, as a result, self-confidence and self-worth. All this increases the distance in the couple and creates tension in the relationship.
Moreover, a woman who is under pressure to find a man who must support her is limited in her choice, deprived of the opportunity to choose a partner who truly interests her, and does not develop the skill of finding and maintaining relationships that satisfy her.
How to do it right
Of course, it will not be possible to get rid of gender stereotypes overnight, because girls and boys have been raised differently for years. But you need to understand that professions in the vast majority of cases are gender neutral in themselves, and not divide them into “male” and “female”.
For example, society believes that men are good programmers. However, as academic performance in specialized specialties at universities shows, women program no worse than men. So women need to be given conditional access to any professions, their opportunities should not be blocked by professional closed “men’s clubs,” and the culture of interaction, cooperation, and leadership should be changed.
The world around us is different from what we manage to “download” into our sons’ heads in childhood and adolescence. Mothers and grandmothers need to control their messages to boys. It is necessary to rebuild within the framework of education in each specific family.
If you are already raising a boy in the spirit of “a man is a breadwinner,” and this phrase habitually escapes you, after a pause, when you gather your thoughts, you can explain: “That’s what I thought before. And now I think that the main thing is to do what you really want, to realize your talents and abilities. To make life interesting and joyful. This is the main thing you owe yourself. I like it when the burden of making money is shared between the couple.”
A man decides how to spend money
Because of this stereotype, many women not only don’t know anything about finances, but don’t even try to learn. It exists both in housekeeping, when the wife is subordinate to her husband, and in work, where it is more difficult for women to make a career due to the dominance of men.
All this creates even greater self-doubt in women. A recent experiment showed that, in general, women always rate their level of knowledge lower than men, although in reality it turns out to be the same, and they are more likely to refuse to participate in competitions because they are afraid of losing.
Why is it harmful
When everyone in a family obeys the same person, everyone loses: the woman will feel bad because she does not participate in anything and does not know how to defend her interests, and the man is weighed down by a gigantic burden of responsibility for the entire family, which he does not share with his wife. As a result, it often happens that a woman does not even know how much her husband is in financial distress (for example, he does not tell her about debts, bankruptcy), and does not help him when she could. Two self-sufficient adults who are willing to support each other are more likely to solve a problem effectively than one who did not even inform the other about it.
There is a popular terrible statement that “a man is the head, and a woman is the neck,” designed to make a woman “wise and meek,” to deprive her of the ability to analyze and, most importantly, to act independently and speak as she sees and how she feels . This leads to problems in the family, confirmed statistically: we live in a country where there are currently 160 billion rubles worth of unpaid alimony. And this happens precisely because only a man makes a decision all the time: he can decide to have a child, and then he can decide to leave the family and not support it financially in any way, creating a new family.
In some families it happens the other way around - the woman makes all the decisions. But this is just as unwinnable, since it is tied to the full responsibility of one person.
How to do it right
Unfortunately, in our country as a whole, the stereotype continues to operate that a man has unspoken dominance, that he works better than a woman, that he is more reliable as an employee. So far, this cannot be overcome only by women believing in themselves, since the maintenance of the stereotype comes not only from their side, but also from employers, which automatically puts women in unequal conditions with men.
To change this, a lot of complex work is needed. First of all, a woman should be an excellent professional. If she makes it clear to the employer that she is excellent at her job duties, and this is true, it will be very difficult to maintain gender stereotypes in this case. A true professional is in demand on the labor market, regardless of his gender.
And of course, a lot depends on society. We started moving towards gender equality later, so the road ahead is longer than in many other countries. Society must recognize that in work a woman is in no way inferior to a man, and sometimes even surpasses him.
My husband doesn't want to earn money
Hello! My husband and I lived for 8.5 years. Have a baby. All these years I “encouraged” him, tried to support him in all his endeavors, both morally and financially. A year ago I started earning 3 times more than before. While his desire to earn money fell every year. He tries to subjugate me, but I have a rather strong character and I assess my position in the family as a breadwinner. And I would even agree to accept the fact that he doesn’t earn money if he didn’t point out to me my household chores, that I don’t fulfill my responsibilities around the house. As a rule, this is “I am a bad mother” - but I cannot physically devote more time to the child because I am constantly at work, I am a bad housewife - for the same reason. And I completely agree with this, but I can’t do anything because if I quit working, the situation will worsen to such an extent that I’ll go ask people. Psychologists advise not to reproach husbands, but this creates a paradox - if it doesn’t work out well? (to help financially and morally), then I begin to try in a bad way (I don’t give money or take it away when I’m insulted, I reproach him for his insolvency when he tries to humiliate me with phrases that I and my opinion are not authoritative for him). And I don’t want money because I’m crazy about fat, but because... that it is impossible for me to pay the bills alone, since there are not enough funds, and he does not go into all the payments. He says he’s trying, but his little business isn’t going well, and he doesn’t want to go to work and has never tried. So what to do if it doesn’t work out either for good or for bad? For myself, I weighed everything and analyzed that if I talk less about the topic of money, then there won’t be any scandals as such and we’ll live normally, but then what about what’s going on in our souls? And periodically ask yourself questions: (How long can I live like this? And how long should I wait?) And time passes, but there is no result. And from time to time I still explode. and I understand that taking the money and humiliating him with reproaches about his insolvency is also not right. I talked to him, as I am writing to you now, and he thinks that he is TRYING enough. But I can’t tell the banks that my husband is trying to pay off his loans every month. And just because he tries, he doesn’t add to the family. How should I behave then??? And how should he behave??? And from your side, as a specialist, what is happening to us??? How to get out of a situation from which I personally do not see a way out. Everything needs time. And I’ll pay off the loans myself and, of course, I’ll survive everything, but I’m afraid that by the time everything gets better for me financially (when I pay off the loans), we’ll separate. I feel like I'm in a vicious circle now. "Lump in the throat. Now we are seriously thinking about divorce. What about all the years we lived together? A child who adores his father. And I have feelings for him. And thinking. that when there are no scandals, he also has them. And how to live separately and explain to the child. Is there really no way out? I will tell him everything about how he needs to look at this situation correctly and advise me on what to do and how to behave. Where should I start and is it possible to start? Is it really the end of the family? My husband is 40 years old, and I am 28. (Maybe this is needed to analyze the situation.
My husband doesn't want to earn money
