Preface to the fourth edition
The first edition of this book was published in 2011. And since then I have constantly received letters with questions, thanks, and photographs of newborn children. According to my calculations, the number of children born with the help of this book, my second book “You Will Be a Mother,” as well as my trainings and webinars, has long exceeded 3000. And with each child born, my soul is filled with joy and light, as if life had given I personally received some kind of gift and the amount of love in the world has increased.
The new, already fourth edition of the book, I have seriously supplemented and changed: there is a lot of new material in the book, because over the years a huge number of new work methods have been developed, I abandoned some things because I found simpler and faster solutions, some was born as an insight, some solutions were suggested by life itself.
I constantly improve my qualifications as a psychologist and psychotherapist, so the book contains many additions that appeared during my personal and professional development. So, I will soon finish my master's degree in the psychology of human reproduction processes at the University of Barcelona (Spain). This is the only master's program in the world in such a narrow specialty, and I am glad to be among the 10 lucky students accepted into the training program. I began to actively and closely collaborate with the world of reproductive medicine, and I am very interested in what comes out of our interaction. So far, active cooperation is taking place mainly in Spain, but I am ready to interact in any country in the world. What is especially valuable to me is that in Moscow, about 30 reproductive doctors refer their patients first to my trainings, and only then they take them into the IVF program. I don’t know these doctors personally, but I see that these are doctors from God who stand on the side of their patients. I am also very pleased that one of the largest state IVF clinics has placed both of my books in the waiting area for patients. I feel that something is changing in the world, and the effectiveness of reproductive psychology is finding its place in the scientific world and in the hearts of people.
And a few years before the above, I received a third higher education in psychology, became a teacher at the Institute of Consulting and System Solutions, where for four years I have been teaching modules and programs for training psychologists in systemic methods of working with the psychology of reproduction. My school of trainers in the psychology of reproduction has been operating for three years now; the third annual training cycle is about to be released - our specialists work throughout Russia and in European countries. For five years I have been conducting trainings in Spain on Mount Montserrat. They are distinguished by their special depth and their results: I constantly take something as gratitude to the monastery of Montserrat Mountain, this is a ritual that is performed after the birth of another baby thanks to completing the training. I usually take a picture of a baby or a bootie, a onesie or a hat. There is a special gratitude room in the monastery where I can leave all this as a token of gratitude to the Virgin of Montserrat for fulfilling my wishes.
And finally, in 2014, the International Institute of Human Reproduction PUER was opened in Barcelona (www.irpuer.com), and I became one of its two founders and directors. I have great gratitude in my heart to my partner in organizing the Institute, Natalya Isaeva, for her active support of my ideas and faith in what I do. And also for the desire to do something good for everyone who dreams of the desired child.
The Institute has a special mission - conducting scientific research in the field of human reproduction psychology and changing existing trends in this area towards a careful and environmentally friendly attitude towards future parents at the stage of pregnancy planning, especially in the field of assisted reproductive technologies. Within the framework of the institute, I created a new generation training program - the FASE (Fertility Activation SEminar) fertility activation seminar. My knowledge and methods are constantly evolving.
That is why there are many additions in the book: I added about 10 new techniques that I began to use in recent years. I would like to pay special attention to the effectiveness of the “Rainbow” technique, bear and sundress therapy. These methods have already stood the test of time. But the “Symbolic Memory on the Hand” technique has been tested over the last year and at the moment it is very effective.
I edited the book for a very long time and couldn’t stop. I wanted to give my readers the best that I have learned and developed over the years. What happened is in front of you. I'm happy with what I do. I am glad that life gives me the opportunity to create and change this world for the better. And help new people come into this world.
I wish your family an easy birth of a healthy baby!
Let this book help you with this!
I really want to get pregnant!!! But, nothing, nothing, the girls don’t work out...
Dear girls, it’s so hard!!! So, I want to share it with someone... I’ve been wanting a child for a very long time, but at first my husband didn’t want it, then when he decided that he was ready, we didn’t use protection for about 6 months, but didn’t get pregnant, then before the wedding we took protection for some time so that we could travel go.. Naive.. thought that this is how it could happen for the first time (((We got married in June and since then we haven’t taken any protection and are actively trying, but nothing, nothing works... Like everyone else, I probably want things on this site , I do tests every month, I hope I track ovulation.. I measure BT, go to the doctor, but NO pregnancy!!!!
We have a wonderful family, we love each other, we are conscientious and 1000% ready to become parents and want this, but why doesn’t God give us a baby! I read stories of girls who can’t get pregnant for a long time and suddenly this happens... and I don’t believe that this can happen to me... I sit and cry like a river, because I’m already in despair, I don’t believe that this will happen to me that there will be these two stripes, we will have our little one!! What, what should I do for this, how to distract myself? How to get rid of the terrible feeling when your heart shrinks when you find out about the pregnancy of your friends and acquaintances? This is not envy... no... this it’s your heart that shrinks and you think, Lord, why isn’t it me...why isn’t I pregnant!!!! After all, I deserve it!!!!
It hurts, girls, it hurts!!!! I don’t know what to do.. how to set myself up, how to distract myself, how... how...????? Support!!! Please!!!! I can’t tell my husband all this, maybe someone will understand me, not because he won’t support me and won’t understand, but because he scolds me for my despair, and I upset him very much with my tears...
Please support!!!
These stupid thoughts about how long these endless cycles will last, will there never be a baby??? And questions, questions, questions from all your friends, relatives, friends. Well, when are you already? It’s easy for them to ask, they got pregnant the first or second time, how can you explain to a girl who became pregnant immediately after making the decision to have a child... in the first cycle, how can you explain to her why we don’t have a baby yet??? Why is this easy for someone, even by accident, but for some it’s through tears and disappointment? I’m at a dead end, girls, I don’t know what to do... Think, go to the doctor, monitor, etc., or get distracted, forget and come to terms with it and HOW is it even possible to do this? I don’t understand.. I can’t take it anymore((
Introduction How I came up with the idea of writing this book
My life is filled with children. Now one of the most impossible tasks in my life is to be alone with myself, because I have five children, the eldest of whom is already seventeen, and the youngest is four. I am a happy mother of four sons - Vlad, Stepan, Alexander and Vasily - and the beautiful Princess Caroline.
But it was not always so. There was a period in my life when I really wanted, but for a long time I could not get pregnant. At that time, I was greatly helped by the support of one of the Internet forums, where women who dreamed of having a child gathered. In addition to communicating on the Internet, we met every week in a cafe, shared news and supported each other. One of the wonderful “side” results of our communication was the creation by Lyubov Zelenskaya of the website “I Want a Child” (www.wantbaby.ru), and we all helped her as best we could. This was 15 years ago, back in 2000.
At that time, my eldest son was 5 years old, and I had been really wanting a second child for several years. I spent a long time looking for the reasons why I couldn’t get pregnant: I plotted basal temperature charts (my motto was “not a day without a thermometer”), went to ultrasounds, and doctor’s consultations. I was looking for a solution to my problem in the medical field until I was admitted to the hospital to remove an ovarian cyst the size of an apricot.
While I was being prepared for surgery, I read a book about the technique of making wishes come true and applied the gratitude technique to my cyst. Two days later I was discharged from the hospital, as the ultrasound did not reveal the cyst that was planned to be removed. She simply disappeared after I acknowledged her contribution to my life and health and thanked her. After this incident, I thought that not all solutions to our problems with conception are in the field of medicine.
There is also a source from which we can draw options for solving a variety of issues in our lives. This source is located within us: in our desires, beliefs, subconscious programs, our life experiences, in our belief in ourselves and in our ideas about the world.
I began to analyze what reasons within me were preventing the desired pregnancy from occurring. I went through all my settings and then worked them out according to my own scheme.
As a result of this work, I became pregnant within two months. Now Stepan is 14 years old, he was born in December 2001. And the value of a child’s life became so high for me that over the next eight years I gave birth to three more children.
For a long time I could not understand the meaning of that period of infertility in my life. And only after almost 10 years I realized why I needed this experience. Now I can pass it on to you - to everyone who dreams of a desired child. I will take you along the path to having a baby that I have already walked five times. And I see this as my purpose and calling.
When I realized this, I went through coaching school, entered the Higher School of Psychology and completely changed my life. Before that, I worked in marketing and advertising for 17 years. Since 2004, I have been actively developing my advertising agency, a number of projects and stores on the Internet. Now 95% of my working time is spent working as a trainer and psychological consultant. I found my niche, working in which I feel my strength and usefulness to the world.
My specialization is the psychology of conception, the causes of psychological infertility, the magical time of pregnancy and family adaptation to life with a newborn. I feel like a guide into these areas of life, since I not only have my own personal experience, but also receive a large flow of information on the psychology of infertility, conception and pregnancy: it’s as if they tell me what to say or do to a training participant or a woman in consultation. I don’t know who gives me this invaluable information and why it is given to me, but I believe that I am obliged to pass on everything that is broadcast to me to everyone who is interested in it.
In this book we will go through a very important part of the path - from your current situation to the successful conception of the most desired child in the world.
This is not an ordinary book.
This is a training book.
And you can choose two options for reading it:
1. Obtaining information - this is how we usually read fiction.
2. Completing correspondence training - each chapter contains tasks, exercises and tools for independent work. If you have a great desire to become a mother, then by performing these exercises and tasks, you will be able to independently complete correspondence training and eliminate the psychological reasons for the failure of the desired pregnancy.
You can get feedback and advice on doing the exercises on my website www.kaver.ru, as well as on the website of the International Institute of Human Reproduction PUER (www.irpuer.com) with a central office in Barcelona, of which I am the director.
After you read this book, I really want not to
to see you at my trainings and consultations on psychological reasons for infertility - I’d rather be very happy to invite you to programs for pregnant women.
I suggest you immediately switch to you - I would like to communicate with you as a friend, with all the warmth and sincerity that I am capable of. I suggest drinking herbal tea for brotherhood right now, after which we will be on friendly terms with each other.
So here we go.
And let new people come into this world!
Chapter 1 Finding the culprits: who did all this to you?
Really, who organized such an unpleasant situation in your life? You really want to become the mother of the most wonderful child, but the desired pregnancy still does not occur.
Let's try to figure it out from the very beginning.
Remember the moment when you wanted to hug your unborn child.
● When did you first imagine how happy he would be with you, how he would say “Mom” for the first time, how you would go for a walk with a stroller, and everyone would smile looking at you?
● How long ago was this?
● Do you remember how you felt at that moment?
● How long have you been in a state of euphoria in anticipation of new prospects and events in your life?
Days passed, months passed, for some of you years passed, but the desire to become a mother was not fulfilled. And instead of the first question, “When will I get pregnant?” the following came: “Why can’t I become a mother?”, “Why do I need to live like this?”, “Who is doing this to me?”
Sometimes we start making a list of people to blame for the fact that pregnancy does not occur. Who do we usually assign to this role?
Guilty No. 1: own husband
The very first and main candidate is to blame for the fact that you still don’t have a child.
Perhaps your husband refuses to go do not very pleasant tests, which, according to him, humiliate his manhood. Maybe your spouse claims that all the problems with pregnancy in your family are because of you. Perhaps your husband says that you are an inferior woman and promises to find another wife if you do not give birth to an heir in the next three years.
The list of possible contradictions between you and your husband can be continued for a very long time, but I suggest you figure it out: how guilty is your man in reality?
To do this, I suggest answering several questions.
1. Is your husband the man of your life?
2. Once upon a time, did you choose him yourself?
3. Are you staying married to him of your own free will?
4. Does a successful pregnancy depend less than 50% on your husband?
5. Is your husband categorically against pregnancy?
6. Does your husband support you in difficult situations, when you are sad or not feeling well?
7. Do you have any doubt that you want to have a child with this man?
If you answered “yes” to more than five questions, congratulations, you are a happy woman who made the right choice. If there are fewer than five “yes” answers, there is reason to think.
If you answered "no" to the first
question, then you and I will think about the topic “Why do I want to give birth to a child without love?” Really, why? If you are not sure that this man in your life is the best, then perhaps your unborn child is much wiser than you. Your child knows that after some time you will meet your only man, his dad. And you will have no doubt that it is he. And while you are hesitating on the topic “How worthy is this man to become the father of my child?”, you are transmitting vibrations of doubt to your future baby. And children very sensitively pick up the vibrations of our soul, you will be convinced of this when the time comes for the first months of life with your long-awaited child: newborns, who cannot yet speak, walk, or even smile, unmistakably sense any of your feelings and fears.
Babies cry if their mother is scared or worried about them, and they feel good and calm if their mother feels good and calm.
Your unborn children also feel the vibrations of your soul - after all, they have already chosen you as their mother, and your man as their father. And if these are vibrations of doubt and anxiety, then your future children may come to the conclusion that this is doubt about their coming into this world. In this case, they may decide to wait for a better time to be born.
And you create this situation yourself, with your thoughts and feelings towards your own husband. Why are you doing this? We'll talk about this in Chapter 4.
If you answered "no" to the second
or
the third
question, then a paradoxical situation arises: if you did not choose your man, then for what purpose do you want to give birth to a child? I admit that you may be a supporter of national traditions: in some nations, even in our time, parents choose a husband, and traditions of polygamy have been preserved. Try to answer yourself honestly: did you have a choice to stay in the traditions of your parents or take a different path? If your freedom is completely limited from birth by your own parents, then I don’t understand how this book came into your hands. By the way, we will talk about parents in the next part of this chapter.
In the meantime, let's see your answers to the fourth
and
fifth
questions. If you answered “no,” then you think that the onset of pregnancy largely depends on your husband. In what situations does this happen? If your husband is categorically against pregnancy and also “categorically” uses contraception. Then I have a counter question: why do you want to give birth to a child from a man who so passionately does not want this? It might be worth:
a) listen to his arguments against conceiving a child;
b) find a man who loves children more than your husband;
c) think about whether your desire to have a child is just active resistance to the actions of your spouse.
If you answered "no" to the sixth
question, then it’s worth thinking about the other questions, plus try to give yourself an honest answer to the question “Why do I even live with this stranger to me?”
If you answered "no" to the seventh
question, then welcome to chapters 6 and 9, where we will look in detail at this topic, which comes up very often in my trainings.
Now let's move on to the promised conversation about your wonderful parents.
Blame #2: Parents
What could they be guilty of? The very first thing that comes to mind is our bad heredity. Was it really difficult to pass on healthy genes to us, our beloved children? It happens that the older generation adds fuel to the fire.
At a family celebration at a common table, the grandmother said to Nastya:
– In our years, we had ecology and a healthy lifestyle. Everything was right, they worked hard, ate healthy food, gave birth to a child every year, or even twins. And now? You, Nastya, haven’t given birth to a baby for two years now! All sick through and through! But in our time...
Common situation? I heard similar stories from participants in my trainings 25 times. We don’t choose parents, we can only love them.
Let me give you another example from my own life.
As a teenager, I was a small, skinny girl who didn’t want to grow up and turn into a girl. My mother began taking me to doctors, who did a lot of tests and even seriously suspected that I was missing some special chromosome responsible for female maturation.
I remember well how the doctor, after reading my chart for a long time, said:
– You need to go out more, study less, be more interested in boys. Otherwise, at this pace, you will not be able to pass the main exam in your life - to give birth to a child.
Apparently, out of a sense of teenage rebellion, a few years later I passed this exam five times.
But if you go back to that time, I could blame my parents for poor genes. How can it be that everyone is fine, but I am not growing or developing physically. Probably, if I had seriously thought at that time about the topic “Who is to blame?”, I would have done so. Fortunately, then I did not think about the prospects of such diagnoses, and as a result, everything became fine: I grew up very quickly, but only after I was 16 years old, without having time to think enough about who was to blame for this situation.
The second example is from my life.
I remember how very offended I was with my mother already during my first pregnancy: during one of the first ultrasounds I was diagnosed with a bicornuate uterus.
“You won’t be able to carry a child,” the doctors said firmly.
For some reason I didn’t believe them, and my pregnancy continued.
My mother was very worried about me. During these experiences, she remembered that, being pregnant with me in the third month, she went to dig potatoes and caught a cold.
– Apparently, that’s why everything turned out so poorly for me! – I made a thoughtful conclusion and decided to be offended by my own mother.
If only I knew how wrong I was!
● Firstly, during childbirth it became clear that there was no trace of a bicornuate uterus.
● Secondly, our parents are the best parents for us, we choose them ourselves even before birth.
● Thirdly, during my pregnancy, my mother was only three years older than me, who was expecting her first child back in 1994. Did she understand what she was doing? Could she wish her child harm?
I looked at myself then and realized the absurdity of all my grievances towards my parents.
If we think about it, we can blame the parents for not seeing the onset of some disease, not taking them to the doctor on time, and leading an unhealthy lifestyle during pregnancy.
But these are your parents! They gave you a life that is in any case greater than all life's circumstances. And this priceless gift is enough to say thank you to them.
We will talk about the importance of relationships with parents later. I also write about this in great detail in my second book, “You will be a mother!” [7].
In the meantime, let’s think about who else might be to blame for the fact that you still don’t have a child.
Baby elephant in my womb. Why I don't want to have children
A few months ago, my husband and I went with friends, another married couple, on an excursion to Los Haitises National Park in the Dominican Republic. You pile into a boat with a bunch of other tourists and sail around Samana Bay to watch birds, check out a couple of caves, swim in the mangroves, and drink rum. The usual thing.
Our guide Rigoberto was a polyglot who spoke three languages. He used his knowledge of English to ask my girlfriend and I if we had children.
“No,” answered the friend. - Only cats.
“No,” I said, without going into details.
Rigoberto laughed and said to the captain of our boat in Spanish: “Do they have a problem with this very thing?” What he meant was that there was something wrong with our husbands’ “tools,” which was, of course, the only reason why two women of childbearing age did not have children waiting for them on the dock.
“No,” I said, this time in Spanish. “I just don’t like children.”
One might have assumed that my unequivocal answer in Rigoberto’s native language was enough to close the question, but he kept grunting (in the universal language) and repeating didactically:
“If your mother didn’t love children, you wouldn’t be here.”
Perhaps this is true. If my mother didn't love children, I wouldn't have been born. And my mother loves children very much, because she not only had two of her own, but also taught elementary school for over 40 years, and all this time she was surrounded by little brats. She says that if she had enough money, she would get herself a whole brood of bark beetles.
But her mother, my grandmother, actually had a whole brood, but I’m not sure that she liked children that much. Maybe yes, but she was a staunch Catholic who married at age 20 in 1946, so you can draw your own conclusions. In any case, by the time my grandmother reached the age I am now, she already had seven children. The oldest was 15 years old, and the youngest was 2 years old.
And while I can't imagine what it would be like to raise even one toddler or teenager that you have to watch 24 hours a day, let alone seven days a week, I do know that I don't even want to try. I'd rather be in mangrove forests infested with alligators.
What I didn’t even try to explain to Rigoberto was that my mother was the only one in her family who had offspring. With a six-year age difference, my brother and I didn't see this as a problem. I socialized with my older aunts and uncles at family gatherings and sometimes spent vacations or summer weekends with my single cousin on my father's side.
This suited me just fine. I never regretted not having a big family or a little sister to play with in the fashion studio. In any case, I am now an almost 40-year-old woman who has never, not once in my life, wanted to have children. I simply have no desire to start this biological clock, and my reasons are extremely simple, for which I am grateful to fate. I don't think I've ever been more confident about anything than I was about this issue in my entire life.
So why are so many people convinced that I will definitely change my mind? And what in heaven's name makes them say this to my face?
