Five types of men you should not marry :: Author Alexander Shakhov

Remember that your spouse’s children became a part of his life long before you arrived. They should not be deprived of his attention and care, even if a miracle happens in your family and a common child appears. Children feel emotions very sensitively and become alarmed at the slightest change in attitude towards them. In a situation where your own children live with you in a new family, and the man’s children only visit on weekends, they may feel uncomfortable. It is possible that they will treat your stepbrothers and sisters or your common children well, but will not like you. Events can develop in different ways. When marrying a man with a child, you need to be prepared for any twists and turns, but you should not perceive your husband’s children as a threat to your children.

When making a decision, abandon all selfishness

You can no longer think and care only about yourself and your chosen one. Your whole life changes. Many melodramas show the conflict-free merging of two large families of lovers, but in life it is often completely different. Your spouse's children may become very accustomed to you and may suffer greatly if you divorce their father. By marrying a man with a child, becoming one family, you take on enormous responsibility for them. But if it happens that you are completely disappointed in a person and do not want to have anything to do with him, try to be prudent and not behave selfishly.

Be ready to take responsibility

Having decided to marry a divorced man with children, take full responsibility for it. Having answered all the difficult questions for yourself, analyzed your doubts, and rationally assessed possible difficulties, you have passed a serious test.

Realizing that there will be problems and obstacles in any case, try to set yourself and your spouse up to the fact that together you can fill the house with love, warmth, and dedication. Be sure that everything will work out for you.

Try living together without marriage

Don't rush to marry a man with a child right away. Try to spend as much time together as possible. Let not only holidays, but also everyday life become common to you. Only in this way will the children of your future husband be able to get used to it, and you will understand how comfortable you are in your new family. But you shouldn’t expect that this trial period will necessarily become indicative for years to come. Relationships can either get better or worse over time.

How to build a life together with a man who already has a child

Most often, women who are married to a man with children face difficulties caused by jealousy of the child and dissatisfaction with the money spent on him. The authors of books and magazine articles devoted to family relationships recommend, first of all, to think about the child, his feelings and needs, understanding how much suffering his parents’ divorce brought him.

In other words, the interests of the child should be placed above the interests of the new family. However, in reality, it is very difficult to suppress the internal protest in oneself: “Why should I ruin myself and my life because of a child that is not mine, even if it is the child of the man I loved?” The situation is further aggravated by the child’s negative mood towards his dad’s new wife, which happens in the vast majority of cases.

No one can develop a universal approach to solving this problem that will be convenient for every woman, relieve her of difficulties and improve family relationships. But there are two options for the development of events, each with its own pros and cons.

Distance yourself from problems
. If you decide to marry a man with children and completely distance yourself from anything connected with your husband’s past, immediately explain to him that you do not want his child from a previous marriage to be present in your life. You are not interested in either joint meetings or visits from your child to your home. But you should not demand from a man that he refuse to communicate with the child for your sake. Even if he makes a choice in your favor, it will not strengthen the relationship between you. It is best to calmly discuss with your husband his responsibilities to the child from his previous marriage. In the process of joint discussion, it is important to choose the days when your husband will spend time with his child, and decide on the amount of money allocated for his needs from the general budget in addition to child support.

This scheme can work subject to agreements, and you should not demonstrate your dissatisfaction with your husband’s child. The advantage of this scheme is that it eliminates the need for you to communicate with your husband’s child and does not allow your interests to overlap with him. However, this approach alienates the spouses and can lead to a break in the relationship. The man you married does not feel your support in an issue that is so important to him and stops waiting for it in other situations, which will certainly seriously harm family relationships.
Show your participation
. If you want to marry a man with a child and build a good relationship with him, try to make friends. You need to be prepared for difficulties and situations from which you will have to emerge from the position of an adult, wise person. The appearance of a stepmother in any case will not please the child, so you will have to work hard to earn his sympathy. But this does not at all mean the need to shower the child with various gifts and tokens of attention. Otherwise, your attempt to refuse something will be explained by the fact that you are not a mother, that’s why you are doing this, and you will get the role of a bad stepmother. Recklessly indulging in all the whims of your husband's child can negatively affect your family's finances. The ideal option would be to build your own relationship with your husband's child. Try to spend time alone with him, in the absence of his dad and especially his mother. Offer to visit an exhibition or take a walk in the park together. This will help you perceive him as an independent person, and not as an annoying addition to the man you love.

The advantage of this approach is to build a more trusting and close relationship with your husband, who is grateful to you for these efforts. The downside may be your constant psychological stress, which does not allow you to forget even for a short time about your husband’s former family, in which a child is growing up who requires the love and care of his father. You will have to spend quite a lot of mental energy to establish relationships with him and fill your home with warmth and love. But there are no guarantees that your good intentions will be successful.

Who shouldn't you marry?

Tramp

Housing, even if it is mortgaged or rented, and free finances that a man can spend on his family are the most important conditions for marriage.
This is why many guys honestly say that they are not yet ready to build a serious relationship with anyone. They first need to get an education, find a good job, earn money, buy a home, a car. “In the process of financial development, a man can do odd jobs somewhere, live in a hostel or with friends, or wear a jacket bought three years ago. He does not have the opportunity to support his wife and children, and even if he finds himself in a serious relationship, he will experience guilt and anxiety. All his energy will go to work, and he will not have any resources left to pay attention to his wife and children,” explained Alexander Shakhov.

The expert also emphasized that men quickly get used to it. Many women manage to cook deliciously, keep the house in order, and dress their children in something, even with a husband who earns little. They think: “He will see how hard I try and will start earning more.” And the man thinks: “Since everything is already normal, then why should I try?”

There is another type of tramp - gigolo. They can give a chic impression and not look at all like men with a lack of finances. But these are typical manipulators who spend their women’s money and do not plan to take responsibility for the family.

Sissy

Such a man can be very sensitive, gentle, caring, affectionate. Say beautiful words, send sweet messages, have long conversations about life. But as soon as it comes to making serious decisions, mom comes into play. “We need to consult with mom,” “mom should approve,” “mom won’t like this,” “let’s ask mom.” As a result, it turns out that you married not a gentle and affectionate man who will take care of you, but his mother. And mother will not want to take care of the one who took away her sweet son. Especially if she is lonely and has only one son. She perceives him as her man, and would never give him to another woman.

How to recognize a mama's boy? Firstly, such a man is always sentimental, gentle, sensitive. Secondly, there is a lot of mom in his life. He speaks tenderly of her, goes to her for lunch or dinner, often helps around the house, she irons his clothes or affectionately puts a handkerchief in his pocket.

Young guys

Guys under the age of 28-29 have testosterone levels going through the roof. Inside every man there is a completely understandable biological program so that the human race does not cease to exist. An older man can curb this program with obligations, moral principles, and values. The young guy is not. He sees sexual signals everywhere: a deep neckline, legs exposed by a short skirt, pumped lips, loose hair - and thinks about it non-stop. He is bursting with huge amounts of testosterone. Such a guy can enter into a relationship, but in his partner he will see not so much a wife and future mother of his children, but a sexual object. And, most likely, he will change.

“There is another important biological program that operates in men of this age: to study the world. In nature, old males drive out young ones to explore new territories and form new packs. Men under the age of 28-29 are also more focused on playing, having fun, trying different things, finding themselves, their place in life, and only then starting a family. They are not in the mood for a serious relationship,” said the psychologist.

Othello

Such a man can be serious, stable, decisive. He categorically makes decisions for you, deals with your problems, and this can give you a feeling of reliability. He is somewhat like a dad, onto whom you can shift all the responsibility. You might think that this is a real man. But real men don’t choose infantile partners...

“Othello” will gradually begin to force the woman into a framework. For example, he may not like her friends, her place of work, the way she dresses, the way she cooks, walks, sits and breathes. He will set strict restrictions: don’t go there, don’t communicate with that person, don’t do that. No alternatives, only categorical demands. “Othello” can also be jealous, scream, and make a scene.

This is pure manipulator. The longer the relationship with him lasts, the worse it will become. Over time, he will convince the woman that the world around is full of dangers, and only he can protect her. She will feel bad with him, but she will also be afraid to leave. And because he will limit her communication with loved ones, she will not even be able to turn to them for help. Therefore, a good relationship will not work with a man who sets categorical, rigid boundaries, limits communication and interests.

Narcissus

An attractive person who is good on the outside, interesting on the inside, talented, charismatic. The only problem is that he has a completely cold heart.

Everyone around him tells him how handsome, smart, successful he is, and he loses touch with reality. Does not receive constructive criticism from close people, begins to believe that he is better than everyone else. So he looks for someone who is just as good, or even more ideal, but this search is doomed to failure.

Even if it seems to you that the narcissist is experiencing some emotions towards you, in fact, they will not be directed towards you. He can love other people as his frame. To love the way others love him, admire him, adore him. When you run out of resources to endlessly admire a narcissist, you are in a bad mood, you get sick, ask for love and care in return - he will instantly lose interest in you, turn away indifferently and go to those who will praise him.

This is the type of manipulator that causes strong emotional dependence. After all, he is so good, he looks like a prince on a white horse. But it will not be possible to build any serious relationship with him, because he is not ready to respect his partner and take care of her.

How to improve relationships with your husband's children from his first marriage

When choosing a man and marrying him, a woman does not worry too much about his past. The fact that he already has children does not seem to be a problem for her. But then comes the moment of the first meeting and acquaintance with the child, who clearly demonstrates dissatisfaction and perceives her as a personal enemy. The woman is confused and does not know how to behave. Having decided to marry a man with a child, you need to know that even in the most conflicting situation there is a way out and an opportunity to establish excellent relationships in the family.

Organize the first meeting on neutral territory

For the first meeting with your husband’s child, it is better to organize a joint visit to a park, museum, or zoo. The main thing is that the child finds it interesting there. This will allow him not to focus on getting to know you, but to associate the event with something pleasant.

Behave properly

You should not show your child your special relationship with his father. He will be embarrassed seeing your tenderness. Kisses and hugs from dad to someone else's aunt will be very unpleasant for him.

Subtly show you care

Try to always welcome your husband's child well if he comes to visit you. Help your husband, remind him of holidays or any significant events in the lives of his children. Create a cozy atmosphere in the house so that children feel comfortable communicating with their father. Experiencing positive emotions, children can more easily cope with the divorce of their parents and the appearance of other families.

Give them a chance to be alone. If the father takes the child with him for the whole weekend, then the first day you can be together, and the next day you can leave them alone and visit your mother, friend, visit a store or salon, etc.

Don't force things

If you see that you don’t like your husband’s child, you shouldn’t be upset, rush things and try at all costs to make friends with him faster. There is no need to impose your society, you must interest it. At first, let them walk together more often, go to football or the circus together. The child will feel that you are not interfering with their communication, that he can, as before, discuss issues of interest to him with his father without strangers. He won't be annoyed by your constant presence.

Don't "buy" a child

If you married a man with a child, then you should not pamper him immensely with sweets, allow him everything, fulfill all his whims, etc. You will never achieve the desired result. Such permissiveness has a bad effect on children and leads to the fact that they “sit on their heads.” This is all understandable: seeing that a person is trying to buy their location, they simply sell it at a higher price. Don’t curry favor with your child; he will sense the falseness right away. This may push him further away from you. Once he loses respect, he will never take you seriously. The best way out in such a situation is to communicate as equals.

Don't read moral lectures

When you marry a man with a child, try not to make comments to him, even if it seems to you that he is behaving poorly or speaking rudely. You need time to understand what explains this behavior of the child, to find out how his mother raises him. You will be able to read moral teachings only after you have established a normal relationship and are sure that he will perceive your words correctly. You should not interfere in the process of raising a child, because he already has parents - a father and a mother.

Don't complain to your husband

You have to understand that this is a child. Do not rush to complain to your husband if he behaved aggressively or disobeyed you.

There is no need for him to consider you a sneak and see your irritation or anger. React to his antics as calmly as possible. Very little time will pass and the child will understand that his negative attitude towards you is not justified.

How to become a good stepmother

There are different life situations when, after a divorce, a child remains to live with his father. When deciding to marry a divorced man with children, you must understand how difficult it will be to take care of them. Not every woman is capable of becoming a good mother, even to her children. Endless problem solving, overcoming various obstacles, sleepless nights - all this comes with great difficulty. Raising someone else's child is many times more difficult. You should stock up on great patience in order to adequately survive a series of misunderstandings, minor dirty tricks, jealousy and outright anger of your husband’s former relatives. The following tips will help you become a good stepmother:

Make a good impression.
Make sure that your child has only good memories from his first meeting with you. His father plays an important role in this. It is he who should introduce you to each other and explain to the child that he is undoubtedly dearer to everything and everyone. But it’s very difficult to live and raise one, and it would be wonderful if you made friends and began to live together. It will be easier for dad to find words for his child, to explain everything correctly from the beginning and to lay the foundation for future strong relationships.
Remember: what Jupiter can do, a bull can’t.
If you are married to a man with a child, never forget that this child is not yours. He does not equate you with your father, especially in matters of discipline, punishment, etc. The right thing to do would be to get everyone together at one big table and discuss your role in their lives in advance, put everything in its place and voice your expectations.

Dad should tell you what behavior is acceptable towards you. He may emphasize that children should obey you as much as they obey him. Or he may insist that he is the head of the family, providing a roof over her head and bread on the table, and for this reason he will make and set all decisions and rules independently. This will apply to both punishments and rewards. Your husband should think through this conversation and tell only the truth, so as not to make you an “enemy” of the family.
Try to interest the children.
Having married a man with a child, a woman must interest him in something in order to establish a good relationship. The baby will enjoy an interesting fairy tale or a joint game. Role-playing play is perfect for children 2-5 years old. Be patient and spend an hour or two in the role of a dog, bunny, wolf, pirate. Play school, hospital, store, hold a sports competition. After this, be sure that you have successfully passed the first test. In future joint communication, try not to lower the bar of authority.

It is difficult to interest an older child, but it is possible. Study his interests, talk to him about his favorite football player, actor, gaming news. Visit together a concert of his favorite band, a zoo, a skating rink, or a circus. Common interests bring people together much more than anything else.
Engage with children.
Marrying a divorced man with children changes your normal life. Now you need to devote time and attention to your children, take an interest in their life, studies, successes and difficulties. Try to share their interests and hobbies, do not shy away from their social life, participate in sporting events, extracurricular activities. But you shouldn’t insist on this if the children don’t want to.
Try not to lose the trust of your children.
In any life situation, try not to lose the trust of your children. If they are disappointed in you, it will be extremely difficult to restore good relations. Communicate with children correctly, respecting their wishes and needs. Never tell your father what they only told you. Don't betray them. The only exception may be critical and dangerous information. But even in this case, ask your husband not to disclose the source of information.
Don't play a role.
When you marry a divorced man with children, try to always be yourself. Strive for a unique relationship with your husband’s children so that it is in no way reminiscent of their relationship with their mother. No one can replace a child’s natural mother, so you shouldn’t even try, so as not to look stupid in his eyes.
Don't talk bad about the children's mother.
You should not discuss his birth mother with a child, much less say nasty things about her. If she is involved in the child's life, then you should try to establish some kind of relationship with her. This will greatly help children cope with the separation of their parents.
Have patience.
Don't wait for sudden miracles that happen on their own. Family happiness does not happen suddenly, even if you married for very great love. Your efforts to create a strong and friendly family, a warm and cozy home will not be in vain. Over time, everything will turn out the way you would like.

When you marry a divorced man with children, always remember that it was not the children who chose you, but their father. Their demands and expectations may be too high. But you are an adult and wise woman who loves her husband and wishes the best for his children. You will definitely win their love and respect.
Know how to forgive.
Never respond to hostility with hostility. Even if a child has offended you, do not take revenge. Love, patience and restraint should become the best qualities of your soul. Add sincerity to them, and this will help you solve any problems with children.

Married with a child:

Star families where mom or dad are not related

Very often, in celebrity families, children are raised by someone other than their own father or mother. They cope well and love each other no less than their relatives.

Vyacheslav and Ekaterina Malafeev

The tragic death of the first wife of football player Vyacheslav Malafeev in 2011 left him alone with two children - Maxim and Ksenia. A sufficient amount of time passed before Vyacheslav met Ekaterina, who became close to his children and gave birth to his third, their common child.

For Ekaterina, the main thing is that the children feel comfortable in the family. She is sure that she will not be able to replace the place of her mother, whom the children remember very well and whom they miss, but she also does not consider herself a stepmother.

Alexander Zhulin and Natalya Mikhailova

When Alexander Zhulin divorced Tatyana Navka, they had a daughter, Alexandra. Now she is 18 years old, she is trying to build a singing career, taking the pseudonym Alexia. After Alexander’s marriage to Natalya Mikhailova, his relationship with his daughter did not change at all. Tatyana Navka was able to establish contact with Zhulin’s new wife and quite calmly lets her daughter go to his new family.

In 2013, Natalia and Alexander had a daughter, Ekaterina, whom Sasha nursed with great pleasure. Tatyana Navka is sure that her daughter is comfortable in her father’s family, she has a great time with them. Zhulin surrounds her with care, and her relationship with Natalya is very warm.

Oksana Fedorova and Andrey Borodin

Oksana Fedorova and her husband Andrei Borodin are raising two children together, Fedya and Lisa. Andrey has three more sons from his first marriage. Very often a large family gets together and spends time at home. Oksana did not immediately manage to build friendly and warm relations with her husband’s sons, but, having gotten to know each other better, they all have a great time relaxing together: going on vacation, walking, having fun, etc.

Evgeni Plushenko and Yana Rudkovskaya

Evgeni Plushenko always supported his wife in the fight for her two sons from her first marriage.

When the situation was resolved positively, Andrei and Kolya began to live with their mother’s new family. Yana is convinced that through Evgeniy’s efforts, excellent trusting relationships have been built with the children. He did not seek to replace his father, he wanted and became a true friend, protector, and adviser.

Joseph Prigogine and Valeria

Joseph Prigozhin married the singer Valeria when she already had quite old children: Anya, Artemy and Arseny.

Children do not like to remember how they lived with their biological father, but they are happy to state the fact that Prigozhin is a very caring and attentive dad. Now they have a large family, because Joseph has three more children from previous marriages. They often spend time together.

Igor and Olga Krutoy

Composer Igor Krutoy married Olga, whose daughter Vika was already growing up.

Igor adopted Vika and gave her his last name. They have an excellent relationship; Vika considers him her own father. They are united by a love of music and common interests. When Vika decided to take part in the children's competition "Morning Star", her dad was very supportive of her, only asking her to perform under a creative pseudonym so that the judges' decision would be honest.

Thank you for reading this article to the end.

Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!

Love, trust and respect

This is the basis of relationships that will help you learn to talk and negotiate. Without this, it will be impossible to build a happy and harmonious family. If a man doesn’t trust or respect you (you don’t trust or respect him), you shouldn’t start a family with him.

However, this does not mean that you need to share details of your past intimate life or family secrets with each other. Still, revelations must be reasonable. After all, we respect and appreciate a person when in our eyes he looks ideal.

Let harmony, love and respect reign in your family!