Who got married after 30?
The question is inspired by a question about an unmarried friend and pity for her.
Girls, please tell us your stories. What happened BEFORE marriage, how did you meet your husband and how now? when were the babies born? Of particular interest are the stories of those who got married after 30 without having children. Do you regret the lost time? and do you even think that you missed something? About Me. I’m 31, I make good money, I have my own apartment, I can afford everything I want, I’m happy, I enjoy life. And I don’t regret one bit that I didn’t marry those who proposed marriage to me. there was nothing to go out there for. It's not a question of money. but that these are not the people with whom you could build a family and have children. I was never alone, there were always men around me, all different kinds. But with someone I would want a serious relationship with, they didn't need it. Sometimes I don’t need a serious relationship with someone... There are married friends and well-wishers who advise getting married that it’s high time, otherwise it will be too late. But I don’t want to get married just to be married. I want love, mutual understanding, adults, calm and healthy relationships. But so far I have not met such a person. You come across all sorts of people - sometimes hysterical, insecure, who are trying to blow their minds in order to somehow assert themselves in their own eyes, sometimes not adapted to life, sometimes married. But I believe that He exists! He's just busy with important things right now or isn't ready to meet me yet. Everything has its time, and we will meet and everything will be wonderful for us, to the envy of everyone who now pities me and considers me unhappy. But the truth is, no, no, but sometimes doubts creep into my mind about the upcoming meeting. And I have friends who, having never met Him, gave up on themselves and live, live out their lives in sadness.
I try not to voice my thoughts, but here I will say quietly... One day, before the christening of my godson, in a conversation with the priest. He asked - what is the meaning of life? The godfathers immediately answered - in children. And the priest said - well, what’s the point in them? After all, you will die, sooner or later your children and their children’s children will die, all people are mortal. And I said - the meaning is in love. And he said yes! The meaning is to give love!
I decided for myself - to give love to everyone! To my family, friends and loved ones, and even to those who don’t know me. Well, if suddenly, God forbid, it happens that I don’t meet HIM... I’ll take Lyalya from the orphanage, whom fate deprived of love, give birth through IVF, or use the services donors, but I will have children. But this is an extreme case.
Tell me your stories, inspire me! And girls, who, like me, are free, share your thoughts and considerations about your “unsettled” fate.
I got married at 31 and made a mistake. What to do?
Reader question:
Good evening.
She got married at 31, deliberately. My husband is older. This is both his and my first marriage. I saw my husband’s shortcomings and had no hope of correcting them. I was simply afraid of loneliness for myself, responsibility to his parents and their condemnation (they helped a lot, I didn’t want it to turn out to be “used and driven away”). Before the wedding, it seemed like I was stealing from someone: either from myself or from him. But the feeling was warm towards him and romantic affection also appeared. He offended me even before marriage, pushed me away, but he came to me himself and continued to come, I did not “conquer” him at first. I even consulted with my older friend, who supposedly emphasizes that he’s not in love, but he doesn’t leave, and because of him, no one else can approach me from a decent place—they see that I’m busy. Then I started trying to please him. Maybe because before that I was used to “fighting for feelings.” I went to a psychologist and worked through this. But perhaps that same magnet “to be unhappy and suffer because I don’t deserve good things” has worked. Although I saw that they were different, that it was not quite my thing and that it would be bad with him (or rather, that there was a great risk that it would be bad with him), but she decided on marriage. Partially, I attributed it to my own complexes, that, supposedly, I’m afraid of close relationships, and that’s why it seems so. I even consulted a psychologist. Got married. I was convinced that it was not a matter of complexes. The husband, on the one hand, tries, but... He acts selfishly, thinks first of all only about himself, does not hear me (although even the topic of divorce is already heard from me - he says I’m finding fault). During the year of living together, I lost a lot. He's a good person, really. But if we are talking about intersecting interests, he will think about himself first. Even in case of danger. Out of stubbornness, he can do something obviously bad (for example, in terms of hygiene and women's health). There was already a situation when he didn’t cover himself, but ran forward, forgetting about me in danger. His words and actions often fall into the category of “moral violence and devaluation.” There are unmotivated outbursts of anger, for which he later apologizes. I think about divorce often. But I’m afraid of this: it’s a sin (we got married) and I’m afraid to stay. We don't have children yet. The husband is good and does good things. Sometimes I feel good with him (mostly when everything is mutual, and when there are caresses, tenderness, hugs - although here... I try not to refuse, if he needs it, he can easily refuse). Sometimes it’s hell for me with him. Often enough. Every day there are quarrels. Then he apologizes (not always). Even if he doesn’t know what it’s about, or knows about the harm, he will demand his way. But one of my older friends, herself an unmarried woman, but many of her friends, some happily married, some divorced, made me doubt it. She believes that not everyone can bear what is “right” and as a social concept, and that not every marriage makes sense. He says that divorce is not always bad, even if we are not talking about physical danger or other points of social concept. And that crowns at a wedding are not martyrdom and “who came up with that?” Is divorce appropriate in my situation? If not, what should I do? I understand that I was mistaken. But I don’t want to make even more trouble. Or is everything already irreparable? And then there's only hell?
Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:
Good afternoon Thank you for writing this letter. Maybe someone who is going to get married on the same grounds as you will read the letter and see what can come of it and what difficulties await in the future, and decide, already having this information, the experience you described.
It’s difficult for me to advise you, because such complex cases cannot be considered in absentia; you need to talk only in person, and perhaps more than once.
I therefore advise you to pray very, very hard to God for a resolution to your situation, and as soon as possible, go to church, to confession, and arrange a personal conversation with the priest. If it doesn’t work out with one priest, negotiate with the second. And act based on the results of this conversation.
Your friend is wrong, “it’s right”, it’s not just what a person can bear, but what everyone wants, because what’s right is to marry and be married for love, loving, respecting another person and striving to make his life as good as possible - and in the spiritual sense, to see how one can help, so that it would be easier for a person to go to God, and in the spiritual sense, so that at home, with his spouse, it would be good, warm and cozy, and one could always rely on him, and in everyday life, because we live... then we are in the material world, and the material component of our life should also be decent, good, comfortable, high quality, tidy. This is the “right way”. And martyrdom is, first of all, about love, because the holy martyrs endured all the torment because they wanted to be with God and did not want to renounce Him, therefore they told their tormentors that no matter what they did to them, but from God they will not deny because they love Him and are with Him to the end. And the Lord gave them strength, even made it so that from a certain moment they did not feel suffering. And spouses should be just as faithful to each other - in love and until the end of their lives, no matter what they do to them, no matter how they seduce them, but they are still together, they stand up for each other and do everything for each other. Wouldn't anyone want that? I think that everyone would like it, and Christian marriage is exactly about this, about love.
God bless you!
An archive of all questions can be found here. If you do not find the question you are interested in, you can always ask it on our website.
Photo by Adedotun Ajibade
Find an older husband
Meet a man at 33 and find a worthy man, the father of your future children.
- The most important thing a girl who wants to get married at 33 should remember is herself. You must have healthy self-esteem. Harmony within yourself and balance with your “I”. Forcing someone to love you when even you cannot do it is selfishness of the highest degree. Love yourself and everyone around you will love you.
- Any activity you like, hobby, passion, work will help you find an older husband. Become interesting to yourself, so that you don’t get bored spending time alone with yourself, fill yourself up. You will not notice how at this moment your chosen one will find you and begin to show signs of attention.
Some men are afraid that they will siphon money from them. Therefore, they will stretch out the time before marriage with a girl from a poor family. Try to calm the person down and show altruism, a willingness to sacrifice money and time. But don't overdo it.
- The next piece of advice on how to successfully get married at 33 is unconditional acceptance of your partner. There is no need to try to break it or adjust it to suit yourself, nothing good will come of it. You must accept your chosen one with all his shortcomings. This is the only way to build a full-fledged strong family. But one should not confuse shortcomings with unworthy behavior that should not be allowed into one’s life. Let's remember the first point about self-esteem.
- If you are interested: where to find a man after 30? Try looking in quiet places like libraries, parks and restaurants. Look around you, people often don’t notice those around them and let candidates pass them by.
- There is no need to quickly move on to intimacy. Initially, you need to go through the stages of relationship building.
- To get married at 33, a woman understands that cohabitation is not for her. You won't put yourself on trial. So you know that you will be a wonderful wife.
By following these rules, you will not only get married successfully at 33, but also fall in love with yourself, your life will become bright, colorful and interesting!
at the age of living without marriage, seduction of men, advice to women
The following two tabs change content below.
- Author
- Posts
Site administrator
Systemic family psychotherapist, Author of personal development programs and publications
Latest posts by the author
- How to choose the right man? Where to find the right one! — 12/14/2019
- How to get married at 37 and find a man? — 10.20.2019
- How to find a man and get married - 3 steps - 10/07/2019
- How to get married using FENG SHUI to attract love and marriage
- How can a poor girl get married? Answers from a female psychologist
- How to choose the right man? Where to find the right one!
Negative experiences in the past
Yes, by the age of 30, both men and women definitely already had relationships. And, most likely, more than once. Perhaps the person had already been married, lived with someone, everything was serious. But the relationship fell apart, it was very painful.
Infidelity and negative experiences with sociopathic individuals can be the reason why people simply avoid new relationships. “Enough is enough, I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated, offended, or enter into a serious relationship” - such conclusions prevent you from opening up to new acquaintances.
With such negative experience, women over 30 often treat all men with prejudice, considering everyone to be scoundrels, cowards, womanizers, parasites, and so on. Men, having been burned once, will also be very skeptical about long-term and serious relationships, suspecting all women of commercialism and promiscuity.
How to get married if there is no proposal. I'm 33 years old and I'm plump
Hello Snezhana!
It’s very good that you can be self-critical - this means you know what you need to change in yourself. Dear Snezhana, no matter how sad this may sound to you, you should know that men love with their eyes. I’m sure that you are not happy with your extra pounds either. Perhaps your excess weight is an obstacle to marriage. I am sure that if you start working on yourself and are able to lose weight, you will have contenders for your hand and heart.
Snezhana, I know what the problem of excess weight is, since I myself suffered from it for a long time. My weight with a height of 163 cm was 87 kg. I devoted several years to fighting extra pounds. Let me tell you this is not a quick process, but a long and difficult one. But everything is possible for those who believe! God can guide us and help us through this.
So, I can give you some tips that may be useful to you:
1) Pray to God and ask Him to help you: “We cannot do anything without Him.”
2) Find yourself a specialist, a nutritionist in this field who can guide you in this process.
3) Check your stomach and intestines for the presence of enzymes and for parasites (this can also lead to obesity).
4) Review your diet and meal times. My problem was that I ate after six, and ate a lot... but spent fewer calories. It is necessary that the nutrition be complete. Do not indulge in foods containing large amounts of carbohydrates. Eliminate fatty, fried, and floury foods. Eat more often, but don't overeat. My rule: All food should fit in one glass.
5) Try to drink more! Drink small sips throughout the day. Do not wash down your meals, drink before meals. I try to drink about 4 liters of fluid a day.
6) Increase the load. Start moving more, walking, swimming... Activate your lifestyle!
Today my weight is 67kg. I have not yet reached my norm, and I continue to overcome my negative habits, which not only affect my shape, but also destroy my health.
Go for it Snezhana!!! I am sure you will succeed, you just need to really want it and put in a little effort. I think you will not only be rejuvenated, but also healthier!
May the Lord give you strength, wisdom, and bless you with a healthy lifestyle. After all, our body is the temple of God! Let's try and take care of our body. A healthy Spirit must be in a healthy body!
Do not give up! You will succeed!
Why do smart and beautiful women in Kazakhstan remain unmarried? A KTK correspondent talked to four girls (far from young and flighty) to find out why they still have not managed to start a family. As it turned out, some people approach this quite prudently, others are waiting for love and feelings. There are also those who have already gotten divorced and do not want to return to their previous problems...
Ksenia, 27 years old, accountant:
– My parents matched me with one good boy, Sergei, when I was still in ninth grade. He had already finished school by then, was studying in college and working part-time as a baker. He looked after me, gave me valentines, invited me for walks, we even celebrated New Year’s Eve together at our house. He was a good-natured, courteous guy with such blue eyes - just like something out of a fairy tale. But 16 years old! How can there be a serious relationship?! My thoughts were only about studying. I went to study not only in another city, but even in another country. We did not maintain contact at such a distance. At the university I had my own hectic life, and he had his own. I still have one hairpin from him as a souvenir, I don’t throw it away, it’s still in the chest of drawers.
I started thinking about family and children about a year ago. Before this I thought everything would work out. It was more important to graduate and find a stable job. Now we already have an apartment with a mortgage. But for some reason there are no serious offers from men. I go on dates, I don’t refuse anyone, I already want family comfort. But two or three meetings are at their best - and that’s it, the guys disappear. Almost all of my classmates are already married, even if you don’t go to Instagram. You look: one gave birth, another, the third immediately “shot back” with twins. And I want my children even more.
Recently I went to a fortune teller, for company, with a friend. I thought maybe this was the crown of celibacy or some kind of damage. But no, there was only a slight evil eye. She guessed from the coffee grounds and saw that it was my destiny to get married at the age of 18 and give birth to my first child at the age of 19. And that I missed this chance . Believe it or not.
Now I think it would be a sin, if this continues, just find a good man and give birth to him, as they say, for yourself, so as not to be left alone in old age. What's the solution? So you look around, there are girls who are fidgety, silly, and how many gentlemen are running after them. And here she is healthy, and smart, and beautiful, and with an apartment, but... no one needs her.
Dana, 24 years old, lawyer:
– I will not have an official marriage for the next 4-5 years. Maybe only after 30 or closer to that age. It all depends on your financial situation. I don’t want to start a family on pennies, and I don’t want to look for a wealthy person either, then his relatives will point out that I came prepared for everything. I have already seen many such cases. And my pride will not allow me to listen to all this. Most of all, I don’t want to be reproached for eating at someone else’s expense. I wasn't raised that way.
Of course, the husband must provide, spend money on children, support the family. I can’t explain this briefly... I don’t want to live from penny to penny. I want family life to be a joy, and for this it needs to be planned, calculated, in order to financially cope with the same maternity leave. I really want children, if I don’t have children, I’ll probably hang myself, but until I’m sure that I can give them a good future, I won’t risk having them.
Malika, 25 years old, art critic:
- But I only want it for love. I'm 25 now. So what? Age is just a number. In my heart I feel like I’m 19, so that’s how it is! They say that there is no such thing that no one likes. And that’s exactly how it is for me. Neither at school, nor at university, nor now did I fall in love with anyone. Well, there was no one. Sometimes rude, sometimes vulgar, sometimes with yellow teeth, sometimes so illiterate that there is nothing to talk about, and it is impossible to correspond - I simply don’t understand his texts without punctuation marks! If you are not attracted to a person, there is no sympathy, then how to start a family with him? Friends periodically introduce me to young people, many of them have some feelings, but I don’t, and I have to give in. I don’t understand people who say: you’re 25 – it’s time to get married! What nonsense? Is it really possible to get married just because it happened that the mother asked for grandchildren or so that in old age there was someone to give a glass of water? You should choose your spouse not with your eyes, but with your heart . For both of them it will either freeze or beat frequently, and you will understand everything. And it doesn’t matter how old you are!
Valeria, 29 years old, student:
– At the age of 21, my boyfriend proposed to me. Our parents bought us an apartment, got married, and we started living together. A couple of months later I became pregnant, and my husband and mother-in-law forced me to have an abortion. Then there was a crisis in the country, he received only 40 thousand tenge, I was still studying. In general, I had to give up the child. When my mother found out about this, big scandals began in our family. Everyone quarreled with everyone they could. As a result, we lived together for six months and divorced. It took me a long time to come to my senses after that.
I am currently studying for a master's degree in Germany. I study physics. I hope to meet a decent man here. At home, in Almaty, after the divorce, I had an affair with one person, he wanted to start a family, but for a long time I could not get pregnant from him. We decided to separate. I think Germany has very good medicine, maybe after the examination here I won’t have problems with pregnancy. In addition, here, at 29, women are just starting to start families, while in our country the majority have already decided and settled down long ago.
Making a woman happy, it turns out, is not so difficult: you need feelings - love and mutual respect, as well as guarantees for a bright future, supported by housing and a good income. Nothing supernatural. So why is it really so complicated? Psychologist, specialist in psychoanalytic support of business processes Elena Tryakina .
“Our main obstacle is that we have not yet matured to the standards of partnership relations. We have a consumerist attitude in our marriage! The idea of consumption and abdication of full responsibility has been incredibly persistent - since the early 90s. This can be applied to all Soviet women. What kind of long-lasting and strong family can we talk about in modern society?
The classic patriarchal family, of course, also has a place, but it corresponded primarily to the economic, social and other conditions of past years. Essentially, she was honest at her core, but there was no emotional content to her. It was more of a survival . For the first time, the need for emotions within the family appeared only in the 50-60s, after the Second World War, and not only here, but throughout the world. We were not ready for this. If you remember the films of the 70s, for example “Strange Woman,” they are dedicated to the absence of this particular emotional dialogue,” the psychologist said.
People in our (post-Soviet society) began to think about real happiness, one might say, recently, she added. More precisely, take it as a criterion of satisfaction.
“Before this, they mostly fulfilled their debts. Marriage expands the emotional sphere, satisfies our need for security, reliability, intimacy, warmth. Economic conditions in a good marriage are also much more profitable. The family does not die, the need for belonging is a specific feature of man as a species, but now these socio-economic conditions have disappeared. They must be resolved at your own expense. This is exactly the problem,” concluded Elena Tryakina.
Get married - after 30
In Russia, men are abandoning traditional views of masculinity and taking on more and more non-masculine responsibilities. This conclusion was reached by Discovery Networks (a division of the media company Discovery Communications) as a result of the sociological study “Species: The Modern Man from A to Z.” To understand the psychology, interests and life attitudes of the current stronger sex, researchers surveyed 12 thousand men from 25 to 39 years old in European countries and in our country. It turned out that a new stage had begun in the evolution of the ideal of a “real man.” Metrosexuals and males are a thing of the past. Today, men are not allowed to spend a lot of time on themselves or on winning the trophies of love. They are going through difficult times in all areas of life. It has become more difficult for them to find and keep a job in the current rhythm of life. It is no longer enough to financially provide for a family to be considered a full-fledged man; it is normal to share household responsibilities with your spouse. Even on vacation, a man cannot relax. To live up to the picture of a successful life, you have to spend energy and money on “chic, shine, beauty.”
Due to the difficulties that have befallen them, they began to live according to different attitudes: they are in no hurry to grow up, they are financially dependent on their parents longer than men of previous generations, and the average age of their marriage has increased to 30 years.
The study identified four types of men. The Russian research results almost completely coincided with the European average. Thus, the majority of Russian men - 36% - belong to the “Modern and one step ahead” type. They are increasingly abandoning traditional views on the role of men. They try to keep up with work and home affairs, devote time to family and friends, find time for hobbies, while leaving little time for themselves. This type of men today predominates in Europe (34%).
Men of the “ego-ego-ego-running for status” type. They are very ambitious, and they structure their life priorities like this: work, salary, physical fitness.
There are only 22% of men in the category “Burdened with obligations” in Russia. They strive to be ideal fathers and take care of the family. These are earners who consider it their duty to earn money.
The least number of men in Russia—16%—are men who avoid obligations and responsibilities—the “Zero Obligations” type. “Noli” live for today. They want to have fun, are not at all ambitious, rarely have hobbies and put off marriage “for later.”
Advantages and Disadvantages of Thirty Year Marriages
Russian sociological statistics show that the majority of women married before the age of 30 file for divorce within 2-3 years. What motivated them in their desire to get married? Do you dream of trying on a wedding dress before your friends? Do you want to start your adult life away from your parents or rather feel the happiness of motherhood?
The obvious advantages that, from a woman’s point of view, are enjoyed by marriages concluded before 30 years of age are usually called the following:
Established social stereotypes
They are the ones who push girls into hasty marriage. Subconsciously, the thought weighs heavily on young ladies: “I won’t get married until I’m 25 and will remain an old maid, not interesting to anyone and not attractive to anyone.” What can we say about thirty? Relatives, acquaintances, and colleagues will buzz all ears about the need for a ring on the ring finger of the right hand, and those who are exceptionally well-spoken will not hesitate to clarify: “No one needs it!” So the girls quickly get married: if she endures it, she will fall in love...
Women's health and happiness of motherhood
Over the years, it becomes more and more difficult for a woman to decide to have her first child: upcoming nightly worries, feedings, postpartum bursts of depression, fatigue and health that is not as strong as at 20-25 years old bring doubts into the decision to have a baby.
Medicine can do a lot, but it is easier for a young body to bear such a pleasant burden, and the likelihood of having a healthy child is much higher
If you have problems conceiving, treatment and restoration of the body may take more than one year, and a woman who gets married after 30 years and belongs to the risk group can postpone the date of her happy day for a long time.
The psychological point is also important: the shorter the temporary distance between mother and child, the easier it will be for them to understand each other in the future. A young mother will easily learn new technologies, knowledge and skills necessary for the full development of a child of the active modern generation: to become a true friend for your child - what could be more valuable in a person’s life?
New facets of the old
One of the striking advantages of marriages under 30 years of age is the ability of the young, unstuck in their habits of the newlyweds to quickly and almost comfortably adapt to each other. The plastic merging in common life, responsibilities and the optimal distribution of shares of responsibility will take place less painlessly, as can be the case in a marriage of more mature people with their own established principles.
The girl’s chosen one opens up to her from new sides - and it’s good if these sides turn out to be only positive or at least neutral. Disappointment in one's expectations is the most common and often inevitable feeling that replaces the joy of marriage. At the same time, it should be remembered that the older a woman is, the more shortcomings she sees in her companion and the more difficult attempts at unity will be: at a younger age, girls look more easily at their chosen ones, without making any special claims against them. And the sex of young partners is brighter and more inventive.
Hope and support
In a marriage, a woman is not alone, and if the chosen one is a worthy and reliable man, then stability and confidence in the future are practically guaranteed. Support and protection mean a lot in such an imperfect modern world. A self-confident and successful man will take responsibility for a strong and friendly family and become a financial guarantor for any life event, and common interests will become the basis for a vibrant family life.
Social regional and federal programs for financial and housing support for young families under 30 can be a significant help in the lives of newlyweds.
The first home or subsidies for its purchase can play a positive role in early marriage
Maybe we shouldn't rush?
While the traditions of early marriage are still strong in villages, modern city girls do not strive at all costs to get married before the age of 30: no quarrels, conflicts, imminent divorce and the likelihood of remaining a single mother without solid ground under their feet.
And it’s time for society to adjust to the rhythm of civilized life: an unmarried girl of 25-30 years old does not at all mean that she is overly freedom-loving or arrogant, has a difficult, quarrelsome character or hidden physical disabilities. She simply did not meet the person who was comfortable for communication and life together.
And what to do with doubts?
Do you have any doubts about choosing the right partner? It is worth postponing a serious decision about marriage! The hesitations that arise at this stage are an alarming sign: if even the premarital rose-colored glasses of a young creature do not allow you to see the situation in any romantic tones, you should not be led by your own weakness of will and/or public opinion and throw in your lot with an unsuitable person. Sometimes a break in a relationship allows you to tip the scales in one direction or another.
