Take this letter for yourself. I just want to write the main thing.
Many people do not understand the “a good spoon for dinner” rule. They are chronically late in their reactions all the time. They were offered marriage, they agreed. In three years, when the second one is no longer needed. They were invited to the cinema, they began to break down for a long time, confident that if a person wants, then he won’t want to, and if he doesn’t want to, then he didn’t want to.
This is the eternal cry of rapunzels from their towers. We slept together twice, but she reported that she was not yet ready for sex. I prepared for the third, but he didn’t want to. Conclusion: he deceived what he wanted. For two years he asked to leave her husband, she hesitated. In the third year she left, and he ran away. Conclusion: he deceived what he wanted.
But in fact, for two nights he clearly saw that he did not excite her at all and stopped being aroused himself. For two years he was aware of the idea that she was not eager to be with him and he himself also cooled down. That's all the wisdom.
Girls. Pavlov's dog salivates at the ringing of a bell if you feed it after the bell. And if you hit it with a stick, it stops flowing quickly. And this is from a dog! And a person’s psyche is rebuilt even faster. No reinforcement, no waiting. Ferstein?
A person will not cheat himself out of nowhere and maintain his passion for you. You overestimate your original importance. She hasn't grown up yet. Support all attractions in your direction if you need them. You don’t have to give it all at once and don’t feed it with damson fish soup. But if you give nothing at all or give too little, it is very doubtful that the person will want to get his hopes up. How?
Rapunzels in their towers are constantly waiting for someone who will be so in love that they will pass all the obstacles on the way to them. Moreover, he must be in love with them genetically or karmically, initially, from birth or even from a previous reincarnation. This is who the rapunzels are waiting for in their big crown.
And love must be grown like a flower, carefully watering, warming, fertilizing, getting rid of weeds. Otherwise there will be no love.
elela_kel
Hello, dear Evolution!
Some time ago I started reading your blog, learning the mind - the mind. Thank you for clearly explaining to ordinary people how they need to live in order to feel joy and harmony. Now, alas, I am experiencing severe discomfort, so I decided to write to you in the hope that you will comment on my situation and direct me on the right path.
I'm 45, divorced for 8 years. The divorce was on my initiative. At that time, I felt that I was taking the right step by destroying the connection with a person who (as it seemed to me then) was indifferent to me. As I now understand, my decision was wrong. The problem was me, not him. For the first 4 years after the divorce, I was in search: meeting new people, starting new relationships, striving to find female happiness. But now I clearly see that my actions were stupid and in the end did not bring me what I hoped for. I suffered a series of disappointments. Now, analyzing my past actions and their fruits, I am amazed - how naive and unreasonable I was!.. Well, what about this now, the conclusions have been drawn...
In the last 4 years I haven’t started a relationship, I’ve gained 20 kg. for stability of intentions, so that no one would look at me. And so it was. I won’t say that I was happy about it, but I took it for granted. The last relationship that ended in failure finally convinced me that I was a loser. Psychosomatics of pure water. But that’s not what we’re talking about anyway. A month ago, events occurred that unsettled me. I absolutely don’t know what to do now.. My ex-husband, having mourned our breakup for about a year, found himself a woman (or she found him, that’s not the point), with whom he lived for 7 years.
And all these years, from time to time, I thought about their relationship with humility and somewhere I was even glad that he was in perfect order, because he was well-fed, well-groomed and all that. I didn't think that a situation might ever arise in which I could hope that our relationship could be restored. Well, a man is married (cohabiting thoroughly) - that’s it. I understood that I could not change anything, although at times I bitterly repented of my unreasonable act. The situation changed 2-3 months ago, when the ex-husband began to re-build a relationship with our adult daughter and her husband. Frankly, I was very surprised by this, because... Before that, he treated his daughter indifferently. Well, do you know how it happens? He divorced his mother and “forgot” about his daughter. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened in our case.
Then the situation began to clear up. It turns out that the relationship with his common-law wife first cracked, then stopped and the ex-husband moved to live with his mother. It was at this time that the relationship with my daughter intensified. My daughter was very happy about this, because... I missed my father all these years. At first, I didn’t attach much importance to the surge in his activity, but my daughter told me that from time to time he spoke nostalgically about me and all that. Therefore, hope arose in my soul: “What if everything can be returned?” I admit, wised up by the experience of past mistakes, I now look more loyally at the mistakes of my ex-husband, realizing that I still played the first violin in a series of family mistakes...
At the beginning of May, he and I met at an evening in memory of a friend who left us untimely a year ago. My ex-husband showed me signs of attention, I received them kindly. We stayed with our mutual friends until midnight, after which we went home by taxi. In the car he shocked me by saying that “now we will live together” and that he “wants to sleep with me.” Somewhere in the depths of my soul I was already ready for this (for part 1 of the message), so I was not indignant when he wanted to go spend the night with me. I was wondering where all this might lead. I suggested that he sleep on the sofa, he was very surprised, but agreed. In the morning we talked for a long time, and we were interested in communicating, which in itself is surprising, because... We practically didn’t communicate for 8 years. By lunchtime he left.
We did not agree to call or meet. Bye bye! That's all. I admit that I was somewhat disappointed, but I didn’t show it. After 2 weeks, he and his daughter and mutual friends were supposed to go to a concert in the regional center, a trip to which he had previously organized. But the concert did not take place due to the fact that not enough tickets were sold. Therefore, I was also spontaneously invited to a spontaneously organized party (since everyone had gathered together). It was not my ex-husband who invited, but our mutual friend, who is interested in us restoring our relationship. I didn’t refuse and went to the meeting. The ex-husband perked up when he saw me, went to the market to buy groceries and was focused on me throughout the evening. He addressed me, joked, was active and all that. I, again, showed visible joy from communicating with him, but did not initiate anything myself. At the end of the meeting, the situation repeated itself with minor variations. We walked the children home and he went to spend the night with me.
We spent that night in the same bed. There were caresses and kisses, but that was all. I clearly made it clear that I was not ready for more, he did not press. The next day he left after having lunch. We spent several hours talking, sharing with each other stories about life events that had happened to us. And again, no agreements. It feels like some kind of scheme has started working.
A few days later I went on vacation to the sea for a week. This was partly due to the fact that I didn’t want to keep having the same thoughts about him in my head, I wanted to switch things up. Switched. Upon my return, my daughter upset me with the message that her ex-husband (her dad) refused to go to his granddaughter’s birthday party, having previously given his consent. Today I went to a meeting with our mutual friends and another disappointment befell me. A friend, wanting to do good, called his ex-husband and invited him to join us. To which I received a categorical “no, I’m busy today.” I was very upset. I realized that my ex-husband was just playing with me and was not interested in resuming the relationship. But I have already become so imbued with this idea that it pains me to accept the idea that the resumption of relations will not happen...
I'm in a complete stupor right now. I don’t know how to react, how to act in general and what to think about. I want a reunion, but I understand that this is impossible. If my ex-husband has no desire to rebuild the relationship, then I am powerless to somehow influence the situation, because... any steps on my part will only convince me that I am a loser. And I know that I’m not even a loser and that over the years of separation I have become much wiser and now I understand the full value of family relationships for me personally. Please help me analyze the situation and draw the right conclusions. I will be very grateful!
Ex-wife wants to come back
Get your wife back
Ex-wife wants to come back
Women are extremely amazing creatures who often do such illogical things that we men can only be shocked. For this reason, we should not be surprised if the ex-wife, who left you earlier with hysterics and scandals, expresses a desire to cling under your strong shoulder again.
And although this situation seems quite ambiguous, we will nevertheless suggest the basic train of thought that you should follow when making your final decision.
Remember that at such moments men most often begin to rush from side to side, dooming not only a possible reunion with their ex-wife to failure.
If you initiated the separation from your ex-wife
This case has practically one of the easiest solutions. If you were the initiator of the breakup with her, then you must clearly understand and remember the reasons that served as the reason for the breakup. You will only need to make sure that these reasons still exist, which means you should not return to the same trough. And if everything is not so bad, then again the initiative comes from you.
As a rule, if a man already has a relationship that he values, then he should not return to the one he previously abandoned himself. Of course, there are small thoughts about the past and a desire to “remember your youth,” but current relationships are still of decisive importance.
If a man is without his other half, then after a couple of meetings with his ex he feels whether there is a spark or not. And then he himself makes the final decision.
Those. all the initiative comes from you, whatever decision you make will be the right one! In this situation, you have no opportunity to make a mistake.
If the initiator of the separation was the ex-wife
But this is a real trap, since you have to make a choice in a situation where you do not know all the terms of the deal. Your wife may be talking to you about old feelings and true love, but she, for example, may be cooling down after her latest romance, or she needs your money, or she just got bored from loneliness and wanted to ruin your life. Of course, there may be a sincere desire to restore a relationship with you, but even this appears after she has been battered by life without you. In general, everything is very speculative.
Situation "Tightening"
. The ex-wife gets in touch with you and invites you to restore the relationship, motivating everything with pure love. Since such a presentation never works, it adds here the desire to give your children a happy childhood and upbringing. Those. she begins to put pressure on you through your children.
On the other hand, you have either already married another woman or are close to it, so your new woman is not indifferent to you. This is where the difficult question arises: “Who to choose in this situation?”
A simple rule applies here: “You should never deal with dubious partners when there are safe options.” Therefore, if you are now happy in your new relationship, then you have no moral right to ruin your happiness for the dubious opportunity of reconciling with your ex-wife. But if you are unhappy in your current relationship, then any decision you make will be correct.
“Lonely breadwinner” situation.
When your ex-wife offers to restore the relationship, and you are not currently in a relationship, then your decision should be cautious and your actions should be slow.
Yes, you don’t have a soulmate right now to easily refuse your ex, and the opportunity to be with your ex again cannot but make you happy. But you must clearly answer one question: “For what purposes is she doing this? Why does she want to restore the relationship now?”
As a rule, you really come across women who, after some time, realize that their decisions were hasty, and they really don’t want to live without you. But there are also those who simply solve some of their problems with your help, or need some kind of help.
Even if she has a need and such a step is a necessary measure, this generally does not deny your victory over her, but it would still be useful to know the truth. Therefore, before you make a final decision, be a little lazy cat, who seems to caress, but does not give in to your hands.
After a maximum of a month of such a relationship with your ex-wife, you will be able to see the true reason. And this will already help you make the right decision. If you refuse your ex-wife's proposal, then this will also be the right decision.
Women's weapons
To get a positive answer from you, many women resort to quite effective, but still straightforward manipulations. You should know them so as not to lose the ability to think rationally.
Think about the children.
This is one of the most powerful manipulations when a woman prioritizes not your feelings and understanding, but her children. Naturally, any man will be offended by this formulation of the question, because no one wants to be an irresponsible parent. However, you must understand that first of all you are deciding the issue of personal happiness, and only then should you think about your children. You know, sometimes life without a father is even better for children than life in a family where parents argue and fight with each other every day. Therefore, first decide for yourself, then think about the children. This is the only way you can do better for them.
Manipulation of the past.
The more time passes, the more bad memories are forgotten and good ones remain. This is a common practice when a person protects himself from negative memories. That's why women love to remind a man about the past (the good past). Then the man looks back and realizes that their relationship was wonderful, everything was great, and he is such a fool for letting such a woman go. And then he falls into the clutches of his ex.
To avoid such a situation, you need to look at the current state of affairs, and not admire your past. Then your decisions will be more adequate.
I don’t want to add fuel to the fire, but dear girl, you hurt a person, as you yourself said, it’s probably hard for him to survive such a betrayal from a loved one. If he avoids meeting you, it may be difficult for him to see you. Maybe you should give him a little more time to forget your action, this is mental trauma, and such things do not heal easily...
Or maybe he’s also bored and thinks that you have someone and doesn’t want to interfere? How do you feel? It happened to me... we got back together again and again not for long, old problems of resentment surfaced, we’ve been living like this for 4 years now and we want to be together but it doesn’t work out
Men really don’t like it when they leave them, and even more so when they abandon them, but if he really loved you, then you should call him to set up a meeting and talk about your feelings, if he cares about you, he will understand and forgive, more confidence and everything will work out !!!
I had a similar situation. I also left my beloved and loving man, the last six months of our relationship were difficult, I was constantly angry and in the end I decided that we couldn’t continue. But 2 months passed, I realized that I couldn’t live without him and I wanted to start all over again, but on a new wave and in a different way. However, the other day I found out that he has had a girlfriend for a month. Yesterday and today I talked to him, offering to renew. But he refused. He said that he had already been ill, suffered too much and did not want to step into the same trap anymore. He says all his feelings were cut off like a knife. He simply transferred what he felt towards me to another girl who creates peace and comfort for him. And he doesn't want to lose it. Like this. Sometimes our stupid thoughts and wrong decisions ruin our lives. It is very difficult to realize that you have lost what is worth living for - the love of the person who loves you.
Even if you manage to return, it’s unlikely that anything good will come of it. Most likely, you’ll torment each other and part with great disappointment. Alas, you can’t return the past!
It’s worth pulling yourself together, getting over the disease and starting to live again. Be sure to meet a person on your way with whom you will be happy. And you will remember the past with a slight nostalgic sadness, and not with irritation and shame.
I, too, divorced my husband, I’m still sad, he has another family now, I understand with my mind that even a chance meeting will not bring anything good, but my heart hurts. Yes, and I can hardly forgive. It’s a pity for my daughter, he hasn’t communicated with her for a year now. And she she doesn’t miss him, but sees a father in all men. Rarely can there be a normal relationship after a breakup, but you don’t need to miss the chance, so as not to regret later that you didn’t do everything for your happiness.
I've already left 5 times. Moreover, I didn’t have this before - when I left, I didn’t suffer and didn’t doubt, but here it is. I'm coming back. getting better, but not for long. and when you leave, the memories are rose-colored, which is why leaving becomes incomprehensible and unimportant. It's been like this for 6 years now. and neither here nor there, I was already exhausted. There are such men as dogs in the manger - they will say in time that they love you, they will look into your eyes in time, they will make you look miserable and you forgive and come back. I mentally understand that this will lead to nothing, but I’m not yet ready for a final decision. And if it hurts for so long and doesn’t go away, then I think it’s worth meeting and talking. But if a man is vindictive, then there is a chance that he will pretend that you went to the meeting and took the first step.
You never need to go back to the past. If you “ran away”, then it means fate wants it that way. One of my friends returned to her ex, and the man forgave her; in honor of the try-on, they went in their car for a picnic in nature. But they didn’t get there... The car stalled at a railway crossing and they were carried away by the train... Alas, that’s how fate decreed it. This means they were not destined to be together and fate dealt cruelly with them, but.. if they had not returned to the past, perhaps each would have had a different life, but both would have lived... And many such examples can be given, not so dramatic, but life always acts wisely and this must always be remembered.
I agree with the previous speaker! Left, come back = like amputation... For example, a finger was amputated... Scary, painful, terrible... But it healed and the person learned to do without this finger... Maybe this is a wild and primitive comparison, but nevertheless... And then suddenly they start sewing this finger, but it doesn’t take root, a lot of anesthesia, operations and all that other stuff... But there is no positive result, only the body is poisoned by anesthesia... My opinion is this: you shouldn’t leave to regret and come back... it’s better to immediately think very hard... and or not leave, and if you leave then don’t come back...You know Andrei Voznesensky’s poem:
Do not return to your former lovers, there are no former lovers in the world. There are duplicates - like a decorated house where they lived for a few years.
A white dog will greet you barking, and two groves located on the hill - the right one, and later the left one - will repeat the barking to themselves, in the darkness.
Two echoes in the groves live separately, as if in two stereo speakers, everything that you have done and that I will do, they carry out loud throughout the world.
And in the house the echo will drop the cup, the false echo will offer tea, the false echo will leave it at night when she should have shouted:
“Don’t come back to me, beloved, there are no former lovers in the world, two amazing raisins, although they will deal with you in return...”
And tomorrow evening, on your way to the train, you will throw the keys into the river, and the grove on the right and the grove on the left will shout to you in your voice:
“Don't leave your loved ones. There are no former lovers in the world..."
But you won't listen to advice. Couldn't have said it better...
I understand you... You called yourself an amputee, I call myself a moral monster... I also smile through force... So my nickname is “turtle” (in the sense that I feel just as ancient and wise). And I’m only 47... Made me such a moral monster my own husband... I won’t tell you how he did it... he already did it anyway... I’d better give you poetry:
Why are we here? What are we looking for, Sitting at the table for hours? Why do we scour these spaces, Forgetting pressing matters?
We are Internet addicts, We are drunk with a witchcraft potion! The Internet is the eighth wonder of the world, and we revel in it!
But (don’t take it as a banality) Here we found friends, family... Ah, virtual reality - Sometimes more real than all others!
and one more poem in response to your phrase: “I left, but I want to come back...”
Because no one is promised to anyone - The wind tore the list of lovers into two parts, And the only one out of a thousand women To be found one day is an accidental happiness. Because the Earth does not fly in a spiral - Its closed ellipse is the limit of rejection, And the two lost on the list are hardly destined to meet based on their date of birth. Because time and distances Someone has mixed up the number of dimensions, And for every meeting there are ten farewells, And for ten insults - half a percent of forgiveness... And also the bustle and autumn gloominess Do not allow you to look back and meet your gaze, And when wisdom is finally granted, It’s somehow late and scary to change something nearby...
The desire for peace of mind and life at peace with yourself... With uv.Cherepakha
The strategy for getting your lover back is a science. No one can definitively answer the question: “How to get the guy you dumped back?” However, what to do in this case? How to get a guy's feelings back? Fortunately, there are certain basics that should be enough to start the fight for your own happiness.
What to do at the very beginning of a breakup?
First, you need to understand whether the guy left the girl, or the girl herself decided to break off the relationship. It seems that the situations are similar. But this is fundamentally wrong. The methods of “return” will differ. If a girl feels depressed, unhappy without her loved one, then this undoubtedly causes condolences. But there is a person in the world who should not feel sorry for himself! Has no rights to this! And this is the girl herself in this situation. This is the main attitude that leads to solving the problem of someone you abandoned.
Requests for help Write your story I humiliate myself in front of my ex and want to die. In general: I think he realized that I was hurt. He understands perfectly well that I am humiliated, he even specifically tells me that he loves her more than me. Understand? I have sunk to such an extent that I have humiliated myself. I always humiliated myself in front of him, I always ran in front of him like a dog. I didn’t have my own opinion, I always supported it. It's just, it's weird. And now I write to him and humiliate myself, ask questions about his new girlfriend, and he willingly talks about her. He's probably laughing at me. I'm a fool? I need to go crazy. hospital? It seems to me that a little more and I will tell him about my feelings and commit suicide. Of course it is scary to commit suicide, but there is no point in living any longer. Support the site:
Adena, age: 16/01/14/2018
Responses:
Adena, good afternoon. Please do not despair and do not be discouraged! Darling, this person is simply mocking you morally, manipulating you. Please stop communicating with him. No guy is worth your life, honey. In the future, you will study, meet true love, start a family, and many interesting and joyful things await you! Adena, just try to distance yourself from this person. Shift your thoughts and actions to something else. For example, take up dancing, singing, or anything you dream of! Sports are a very good way to distract yourself. Adena, dear, try and soon you will completely forget about him! The main thing is to live and everything will work out. God bless you!
Nadezhda, age: 32 / 01/14/2018
It makes sense to live on. You have your whole life ahead of you, do you understand? You haven’t started living yet, baby. Do you already want to end everything? And for the sake of whom, for the sake of a person who does not love you! By killing yourself, you will kill your parents, you will leave a feeling of guilt forever in the hearts of people who love you. Don’t lower yourself to anyone, dear! You must respect yourself and value yourself. Don’t let anyone do anything then he humiliated you. Why do you need a person who hurts you? You should love yourself first. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you know how many joyful moments await you in the future? And you want to cross out everything? Suicide is not an option. It’s a sin. Read materials about suicide on this site. It’s scary, it’s a path to nowhere, honey. Honey, you know, sometimes there are unsuccessful suicides that don’t deprive a person of life. But they deprive him of the opportunity to live a full life Life. They deprive him of his health. Is the guy more valuable than your health? Your life, baby? No. No and no again. Time heals, you are strong and you will survive this pain that is in your soul. It’s too early to think about relationships, think about studies, dear .Everything has its time, in the future a person will appear in your life who will love you and appreciate you, dear. Hold on. Try and think about the good, everything in your life will be fine, you’ll see. Hold on. Be sure to read the stories on this site, the materials “I committed suicide”, “Methods of suicide”, “The fate of the relatives of the suicide”. Hold on. Everything will be fine, dear. God will help you.
Ice, age: 26 / 01/14/2018
Dear Adena! You have a sick love with a person unworthy of you! After all, he is mocking you morally!! Knowing that you are so attached to him.. Try to be distracted by something else, it would be better to go somewhere on vacation, change the situation, etc. You will still meet a worthy young man man Definitely!! You are so young and have so much joy and new acquaintances ahead of you. Try first of all to love yourself and become a self-sufficient person. This guy will see that you do not pay attention to him and live quite well without him, he himself will show interest in you , but don’t renew your relationship with him for anything, he’s not worth you. Be patient, don’t communicate with him and break off all relationships via text message... Adena, I assure you that a lot of fans will appear and among them there will definitely be that one and truly best of yours. Let go of this sick relationship, it hurts you, it serves no purpose. I wish you Happiness and long-lasting love, Adena!
Excellent, age: 40 / 01/14/2018
Hello. Read these articles: http://www.realisti.ru/main/love?id=345 https://www.realisti.ru/main/love?id=499 https://www.realisti.ru/main/ love?id=344 Basically, I think you need to break up with him and destroy everything that reminds you of him. Identify the reasons why you are humiliated and work with them. If it’s really hard, you can go to a psychologist or call the helpline. I wish you to find a normal guy in the future and build a harmonious relationship)
Jerboa, age: 16 / 01/15/2018
Hello! If you want, you can talk about your feelings! It's not humiliating. It is a mature act to give a person feedback on his actions towards you. And leave him with it. If he left you without an explanation, did not respect your feelings, then forget him as soon as possible. He is not worth your attention. And there is no need to return it, it won’t work. And in general, don’t leave him the opportunity to think that he can play with girls like that. Thank fate for the experience. The pain will have to be endured. Give yourself time to grieve. Take time for yourself. Your training, work, interests. Develop your human qualities. Look for friends. Everything will be fine.
Daria. , age: 41 / 01/15/2018
Hello! I really sympathize with you. Just don’t despair. You don’t need to go crazy. hospital, you're doing this because you're in pain. But still, in order not to hurt yourself, try not to communicate with him. Perejit.ru I hope this site will help you. I understand that it is very difficult for you now, but life still does not end. https://www.pobedish.ru/main/smysl https://www.pobedish.ru/main/smysl read here) The meaning of life cannot lie in one person; it is much broader and, in general, in my opinion, consists of improvement, since our soul is immortal. You have your whole life ahead of you, do you really want to end it? No matter how painful it is, it will still pass, but after suicide you can’t fix anything... I advise you to distract yourself from negative thoughts if possible, find something interesting and useful for yourself class. Share with your loved ones how you feel and it will become easier) You can also talk to a psychologist online) And also try to turn to God) The Lord loves you very much and will never leave you) If you ask Him for help more often, your life will change for the better) I wish you good health, good relationships and mutual understanding in the family, finding the meaning of life, true friends, success in your studies, always a great mood, more love, joy and peace in life and all the best) God will support you) Guardian Angel to you!
Anastasia, age: 19 / 01/15/2018
Hello girl. Even when loving, if they humiliate you, you need to find strength in yourself and step aside. Nothing good, as you yourself understand, will come from “running in front of him like a dog,” and nothing good should happen. Sometimes, you know, as soon as a girl turns away from a guy and ignores him, he immediately starts running to meet her. Because everything is not so simple in human relationships. Therefore, gain strength and get out of his way.
Olesya, age: 38 / 01/15/2018
Hello! Adena, there is no point in communicating with such unworthy boys. But life is beautiful and love is beautiful, in the future you will understand this. In the meantime, it’s better not to think about relationships. Learn, develop, improve and don’t get discouraged!!! You are a wonderful, bright girl! And you will definitely be happy!
Irina, age: 30 / 01/15/2018
Hello. The first thing you must do is definitely forget about him. Yes, it will be difficult, but you have to do it. He provokes you, don't give in to it. You must understand that he already has a different life. Why do you need this? You shouldn't humiliate yourself in front of people. Have pride. This smacks of psychological addiction. This will not lead to any good - it’s been verified. Try to distract yourself, do what you like.
Tadakatsu, age: 17 / 01/16/2018
It’s very painful to love without reciprocation, your soul hurts and you don’t know how to distract yourself, you think only about him, and it seems that there is no way out... when you love, you should admit if you really want to, but you have to be prepared that his reaction may not be what it is. you are waiting, you must understand that he does not love, although it is very painful. Theoretically, it’s correct not to ask about that girlfriend of his, if you can, of course, it’s very painful to realize that he chose her. The main thing is to try not to compare yourself to her. And only time will reveal your mental wound, the main thing is not to withdraw into yourself, do not be afraid of anyone. I understand you very much...
Nina, age: 35 / 01/17/2018
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a break up?
Naturally, this is a complex, painful and difficult experience. At this moment the girl thinks about lying face down in the pillow and crying. And then the understanding comes that the guy is really needed and questions begin like “Is it possible to return the guy?” The main thing in this state is not to start taking any actions immediately, under the influence of emotions. In this case, a cake or ice cream can really help - take your mind off the problem for a moment.
As a rule, you need to listen to your intuition. Instincts will not deceive you and will definitely suggest the right decision. However, in this case everything is different. What to do to get your boyfriend back? You will have to do something completely different from what your heart tells you. First of all, put your emotions aside and try to control them. Understanding your desires and goals will definitely lead to the desired result.
Basic rules and behavior patterns for renewing a relationship with an ex
In total, there are four basic rules, or, if you like, patterns of behavior that must be followed in order to positively answer the question: “Is it possible to return a guy?”
It is important to remember that all breakups are individual and can be fundamentally different from others, especially if the girl herself left the guy. However, it is necessary to remember these basic rules, since they are essentially universal. They are the ones who will help you understand what to do when a girl thinks: “I left my boyfriend... I want to get him back.”
When is it worth getting a guy back after a breakup and when not to do it?
You don't always have to try to get a guy back. Yes, there are times when this is truly appropriate, but sometimes it is better to accept your fate and put all your energy into building new relationships.
1) When should you really try to get a guy back?
It cannot be so unequivocally stated that a girl does not have the right to try to return the guy she broke up with. There are cases when taking initiative is a very smart and useful step.
Reasons for breaking up where there is no shame in trying to get your boyfriend back:
Anything can happen in a relationship, especially if both the guy and the girl have difficult characters.
If a banal misunderstanding arose between you (for example, it seemed to him that you were cheating on him, but there was no trace of this), then it is clear that you need to look for the key to reconciliation.
You and your behavior.
The guy loves you and has repeatedly told you about it. But he also repeatedly pointed out character traits or behavioral traits that he doesn’t like about you. He asked to change. You didn’t react and he left you.
If you are finally ready to change and can demonstrate these changes to your guy, then getting him back will not be difficult.
It was you who decided to end your relationship, and then, after thinking about it, you realized that you were mistaken and want to get the guy back. This will be easy to achieve if the young man is not too proud and still loves you very much.
2) When the breakup is a settled issue and it’s not possible to get the guy back...
I am a little old-fashioned when it comes to relationships and am convinced that a girl should not run after a guy if he initiated the breakup and directly said: “I don’t need you.” Attempts to restore the relationship should be made only when mutual love has been preserved.
Forget about a guy after a breakup and don't try to get him back if he:
He left you for another girl.
If a young man left you to enter into a relationship with another girl, and you see that he is happy with her, trying to get him back in most cases will be pointless.
Now, if they break up, then it’s another matter - you can try.
Love is love, but it is useful to look at the object of your desire without rose-colored glasses.
If the young man you are trying to get back constantly humiliated you, offended you, if he has problems with the law, alcohol or drugs, then look at your separation as a deliverance, not a tragedy.
He refused you more than once.
Have you tried to get your boyfriend back once, twice, three times, but have always been refused?
Humble yourself and stop exposing yourself to ridicule. This relationship is over!
Rule number one: be patient and strong
Whatever the grief, whatever pain you feel, remember: no one will return to a pathetic and unhappy girl. So how do you get the guy you dumped back? Swearing, pleading, tears, requests, insults, attempts to “have the last word” or “letters of revenge” will cause rejection in the guy. At best, they will cause pity and compassion. But there is no desire to return. Remember: a guy will never come back out of pity.
Many girls tried to use this obviously losing tactic. On the other hand, just say: “I am strong.” It's harder to do. But here there is a certain technique that will help in this matter:
- You need to imagine a future with a guy, that is, think about how good you will be together. Imagine as vividly as possible the joy of spending time together, feel his touch, hear his voice. Visualize your intention. Make your dreams as “real” as possible in your imagination. A desire is not a simple fantasy, but something that may well come true. Look for stories of breakups and renewals. You will see that even after the most terrible, it would seem, people found the strength to be together again, to build relationships anew.
- Don't forget about the biology of relationships, that is, the chemistry of love. Nature never makes mistakes. If two people were attracted to each other, then this clearly indicates the emergence of a connection, an attraction at the biological (physical) level. The most important thing to remember here is that this feeling does not go away after a breakup. It can remain for years.
- It is also necessary to remember about the psychology of relationships. However, it stems entirely from an understanding of biology. We must remember that even after breaking up, the guy is somehow biologically attached to the girl. The basis of psychology should be an attitude towards one’s own strength and patience.
Rule number two: you need to limit your contacts
This is the main area where you need to be demanding of yourself, even strict. Especially in a situation when a girl asks the question: “How to get back the guy you left?” You can't contact your ex-boyfriend. You can't even try to disturb him. Naturally, the phrase will follow: “But this will only alienate us.” Undoubtedly. But that's how it should be.
Instinctively, any girl, immediately after the thought “I want him back,” will call her boyfriend to establish contact, but this is categorically wrong! You can’t call, write, or even catch his eye. In this situation, we can say that “time is on our side.”
You need to understand the psychology of a guy in this situation, especially if his girlfriend left him. The guy will regard any manifestation of attention, desire to find contact with him on the part of his ex-other half as annoying, intrusive actions, which he will perceive with reluctance, as if the girl is “pursuing” him. Don’t think that a “couple of bells” won’t make things worse. It will happen, of course. Just this “couple of bells” can ruin the entire strategy for getting the guy back completely.
It is important to remember the following point: since by trying to make contact the girl constantly confirms that she thinks about the guy, he will not miss her, because the lady constantly reminds herself of herself. What to do to get your boyfriend back? Don't call or write! To start.
If it’s difficult to fight with yourself, the desire to call is overwhelming, try to focus on your main goals: to get your ex-boyfriend back. Do exercises to visualize your goal. Keep your motivation high and focus. It is motivation that will help answer the question: “I broke up with my boyfriend - how to get him back?”
What is in a man’s soul before leaving a woman?
Igor, 36 years old, lawyer: “My girlfriend and I have developed a beautiful, romantic relationship. Suddenly a thought pops into my heart: “Stop! Not that one! I already regret that I allowed them to develop and now it’s hard, remembering the phrase of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry “We are responsible for those we have tamed.” She doesn’t know anything yet, but she probably guesses and feels something. We are both already over 30 and here we feel a special responsibility for several months of happiness and fruitless hope, but I absolutely do not see her with me in life and I realized that I was deceiving myself and her. I'm scared to hurt her, but I have to. You can immediately decide how the surgeon “cut it off and that’s it,” but the thought that this wound will hurt her makes her feel uneasy. I don't want to be the cause of suffering. So who am I after this?
Oleg, 23 years old, system administrator: “I leave girls like this: it’s hardly possible to do without tears, but it’s possible to bring the relationship to naught. You need to constantly come up with activities, trips, things to do, while saying: “I’ll see you, maybe,” and then somehow, when he’s lost the habit of our communication, say a cultural goodbye.”
Vitaly, 40 years old, journalist: “A real man is always able to make one woman happy, then another... Left? Why words? Love has passed, and so he left. Why any explanations?
Rule number three: keep yourself interested
This is a rather strange tactic when it comes to the question: “How to get the guy you dumped back?” However, this is a universal effective method. Switching attention to a new activity or hobby will take away the time and energy that girls usually spend thinking about their ex-boyfriend. In addition, in this case, the girl will also regain a feeling of fullness of life, control over herself, and receiving positive new emotions and experiences.
All these factors are very valuable in achieving your goal. Interest in some exciting activity and success in it will give you self-confidence. Moreover, the ex-boyfriend will notice this and understand that you have already “got over” from breaking up with him or are not suffering too much. Perhaps this is the main point about what to do to get your guy back. This behavior has an immediate effect on the stronger sex.
The man abandoned him: what should I do?
It is a huge disaster for a woman when her beloved man leaves her.
She is waiting for an explanation, wants to understand why this happened. But often close people cannot explain themselves to each other. As a rule, a man deeply hurts a woman’s feelings and feels awkward.
And the woman is in despair, but continues to hope that the relationship will be restored. For her, the world has stopped, the pain of betrayal has deafened her, she has no strength to move on. But at such moments, the best advice is to remember the inscription on the ring of the biblical King Solomon: “This too will pass” and treat the situation with patience.
- He doesn't love her, but just wanted to have a good time.
- It's banal, but the relationship did not stand the test of everyday life.
- Tired of her jealousy, tired of going through scandals over nothing. Instead of warm feelings, the woman began to cause irritation.
- Because she changed, almost everything can be understood and forgiven, except betrayal.
- The woman is clearly using the man as a wallet.
- Because he found someone else and wants to build a new life.
- Because for a man, career comes first, and family is so tiring.
- It also happens that a woman “lures” a man, letting him know that he is in charge in their relationship, he decides everything, she is ready to sit and wait for him, that she has fun communicating with his friends and relatives, that she loves kayaks and beer, etc. d. At some point she gets tired of it, she throws hysterics, and the man sees her true face). And yet he leaves.
- He does not want to take responsibility for the relationship, does not want children from her.
Denis, 30 years old, engineer:
“And the answer to the question “Why did you quit?” you won't answer right away. Judge for yourself: it’s much easier to simply ignore it than to tell another person: “I don’t love you” or “I don’t want to date you” - and run into resentment, tears, persuasion - or simply feel like a scoundrel.
This is true for both men and women, but it is much more difficult for men to “get on you” in such a situation, because according to stereotypes they are supposed to be gentlemen and are not supposed to offend ladies, and if a girl who tells a guy in love “I don’t like you” I love you and don’t want to meet you” - is stereotyped as a proud conqueror of hearts, then a man who says such a thing to a woman in love with him is like a goat and a scumbag. And no one wants to feel like that. Because “a real gentleman will never leave a lady: he will make sure that the lady herself leaves him” - and what is more logical than leaving someone who ignores you? And if the lady doesn’t understand this, then this is the beginning of tears...”
No matter how many explanations the men had, most importantly, there was no love, which means his arguments are empty words. Then you should not call him, return him, no explanation will suit you.
Don't write or call. If he just decided to check how much you love him, then in a week he will be tormented by curiosity about where you went and he will find you.
And if he doesn’t write or call, it means he’s decided to break off the relationship. But even if he writes to you, think about why you need him like that? Does a loving person torture the one who loves him?
Alisa, 25 years old, salesman: “The man I loved stopped loving me - he stopped loving me in one day. He constantly tells me that he woke up in the morning and realized that he doesn’t love, that he doesn’t feel anything, that I’m good and he’s bad, that I need to look for someone else, start my own family. I don't understand anything about how this could happen and why. Does it really happen that I lose all my feelings at once, without any reason? I love him so much, I only want to be with him. I’m constantly crying, this is the first time in my life this has happened to me, I’ve never loved anyone like that before...”
Julia, 30 years old, nurse: “A man left me... The reason is that, as it seems to him, he is not living his own life... And the feelings passed. At the same time, he keeps me close, wants to communicate with me. I feel him reaching out to me, but I can’t explain on what level. We lived in a civil marriage, and it seemed to me that this was the happiest period in my life... it was! He abruptly ended the relationship. I can’t put into words what’s going on in my heart! I'm not sure I can get out of the chaos that's happening around me."
Nina, 22 years old, makeup artist: “Today is two weeks since my beloved husband left me. He left me for Christmas without explaining anything, he just packed his things and went to live with his parents. I don’t know how I survived this blow... endless sobs, hysterics, tears, sedatives, sleeping pills.
All week I called him, humiliated myself, wrote SMS, went to his parents, asked to talk, to come back, but in response I received only insults and accusations. He decided that I was his mistake. Now I don’t live in reality, I live in a dream, because only there we are together, the world collapsed around me. I’m waiting for him all the time, I hope he comes back, I’m ready to forgive.”
Don't rush things
There is no need to make the guy's return a goal that must be completed in the coming days. Or even weeks. How to get the guy you dumped back? This is a long process that requires patience and endurance. By and large, it can take months. Gradually, smoothly increase momentum. Drastic actions can only make things worse.
Don't forget about constant self-improvement. You need to look inimitable and irresistible. You need to make an impression. If he notices that his ex-girlfriend has become interesting to many guys at once, then a new powerful tool will play into the girl’s hands - male jealousy.
As mentioned above, you just need to not panic. Pull yourself together. Rest for a while, refocus, clear your mind. Then make a plan and act. Maybe during the rest the girl will understand that she didn’t really need the guy. Such situations also happen. You need to find time to understand yourself. Analyze relationships, remember and conduct a deep analysis of all rubbish and conflicts. Is it possible to get the guy back? If you do everything wisely, then the chances are great.
How to get a guy back after a breakup: steps to take
It's almost impossible to get a guy back if he doesn't want it. You only have a chance if he regrets losing you and is waiting for a signal: you are ready to take him back.
Here are 5 steps to take if you want to get your boyfriend back:
Analyze the reasons for the separation.
Your relationship failed for a reason, there was a specific reason (or several reasons).
If you understand what exactly was the cataclysm for the separation and eliminate it, it will be much easier to return the guy’s love.
Take care of your appearance.
Even if you are a beautiful, well-groomed young lady, there is always room for improvement. If you are still not attending any training sessions, then correct this immediately.
Sign up for a facial, relaxing massage, manicure, pedicure at the spa. After such pleasant procedures, you will immediately feel better.
Changing your image (for example, getting a haircut and dyeing) will give you confidence. Well, shopping to buy a pair of beautiful dresses and new shoes is the best cure for boredom.
Remain completely calm during meetings.
If you study or work together, or for some other reason are forced to constantly cross paths, do not show your excitement, embarrassment and pain. And of course, there is no need to give him the look of a beaten dog.
Behave calmly, reservedly, affably, a little indifferently. And also confuse the guy with a radiant smile. This will make the boy wonder whether he acted wisely by breaking up with you.
Build friendly relations with your ex-lover.
Those girls are stupid who, when breaking up with a young man, cut off all ties with him. You can be friends with your ex.
And you need to be friends with the ex you want back. It is much easier to turn from a friend into a loved one than from an enemy.
Make him jealous.
The trick is simple and not particularly novel, but effective. If a young man still has feelings for you, he will definitely be jealous of you and will want to come back.
If you remain indifferent, well, well - but you will know for sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship. Yes, and take a closer look at the young man with whose help they tried to make their ex jealous. Maybe he's not so bad after all?
