An increasing number of people are ending relationships that have ceased to bring joy. But what if this is because we idealize love? Where does such confidence come from that everything in a relationship should be perfect? Modern society and culture make us think that there are no problems in love, and if something goes wrong, then we should end it as soon as possible.
As a result, we pay a very high price and we have to pay for it in our own relationships. But they can be saved if you understand in time that you are just going through a difficult stage. Remember that in life there is a place for routine, everyday difficulties, alienation, disappointment and a lot of other things. Realizing this will allow you to grow real feelings and build ideal love.
First stage: falling in love
Falling in love always comes into our lives unexpectedly and unconsciously. It arises on its own; it cannot be prevented or suppressed by force. When they talk about falling in love, they mean the one that arises between two souls. Falling in love is not a conscious choice, but a manifestation of instinct. At the same time, it really satisfies our need for love, but only temporarily.
When we are in love, we feel that someone needs us, we see that we are valued and admired. Falling in love does not tolerate criticism and objections. You don’t listen to anyone, because you yourself know who is right for you. You are ready to devote all your time and energy to your partner, who for you becomes the best person on earth.
Unfortunately, sooner or later falling in love disappears, and we inevitably return to the real world.
Second stage: becoming a couple
Love is already a conscious choice. You can continue to love even when the crush is gone. You begin to feel a strong connection with your partner and feel like a couple. You are comfortable and calm together, you are confident in each other. You grow and develop together with your partner and begin to understand what the person next to you really needs.
It is at this stage that many people make such important decisions as starting a family, getting married or having a child. You know that your union is based on shared values and mutual respect. Your significant other becomes a full-fledged part of your life, and you understand that the world revolves around the two of you as a whole.
Stages of relationship development
Candy-bouquet period
Every person has experienced this magic. The first awkward attempts to attract attention, winking glances and an invitation to a date...
Endorphins, dilated pupils, laughing at his stupid jokes and the hope that this is forever. The partner seems amazing, attractive and sexy. Your knees give way, the world around you smiles and it seems as if life is now a success!
This period of adoration and fascination with a partner lasts up to 18 months.
Satiation
At some point, the influence of hormones decreases, and you begin to soberly evaluate your chosen one. Yes, he has a saggy belly, a burr and a lack of sense of style. But is this really so critical?
You can walk around the house in your pajamas, not brush your teeth in the morning, and tie a stupid ponytail. Back in 1784, the author of the famous comedy “A Crazy Day or the Marriage of Figaro,” Pierre de Beaumarchais, through the mouth of his hero, said that men become fed up with women if they see them too often in cozy home conditions, always submissive and helpful.
The same thing happens with women. They no longer feel competition, the passionate glances of random girls fade into darkness, because the man returns to them every day after work...
The classic was talking about the stage of satiety!
Disgust
No couple in a long-term relationship can escape this crisis. Quarrels for no reason, dissatisfaction with a partner, criticism and finding faults... It seems that the easiest way is to give it up, because the magic of romance has long passed, and everyday life eats up any attraction to each other.
But if you give in to impulse and break up, you’ll have to start over... But if you endure it, then the most interesting thing will be waiting around the corner!
Adoption
At this stage, the relationship between a man and a woman “evens out.” Quarrels cease to be dramatic, and sweet moments do not seem like peak pleasure. The couple becomes wiser, more mature, more aware.
Both understand that broken plates, hysterics about likes from their ex and unwashed dishes will not bring results. Everyone begins to think first of all about their mistakes and the possibility of correcting them. Accustoming occurs between partners - to the habits of the other, his personal space and unexpected oddities.
Respect and friendship
At this stage, we can say that the couple is approaching true love. Teenage infatuation has passed, and in its place there is a feeling of a strong connection with a partner.
You feel comfortable and calm together, you understand when it’s better to leave your partner alone and when to make them laugh with a stupid joke from Twitter.
You understand: your partner does not have to be perfect, eat only vegetables, give bouquets of roses every day and entertain you on the weekends.
An understanding comes that relationships are shared work, an investment, a “project.” And the responsibility for fun, joy, romance and sincerity lies with the two of you.
Love
Couples take a very long time to find true love. Difficult situations, disappointment, resentment, self-overcoming and compromise are an integral part of free, deep love.
Contrary to misconceptions, love does not fall on your head like manna from heaven.
And when maturity comes, true love will definitely knock on the door.
Third stage: disappointment and alienation
Frustration and alienation is a difficult stage that many couples go through. However, not everyone can overcome this phase. The largest number of separations and divorces occurs during this period.
The disappointment stage is somewhat similar to a hangover. You are sad and hurt that the party is over, and its consequences cause unpleasant feelings.
Feelings disappeared, hopes for a bright future collapsed. Everything seems to be going wrong in your relationship for some inexplicable reason. You wonder where the person you were originally in love with went to.
When we fall in love, we look at our partner as if under a magnifying glass. Jokes seem doubly funny, natural sarcasm is perceived as proof of a sharp mind, and everything connected with this person seems perfect. But when the stage of disappointment sets in, we see a different picture: jokes seem primitive, sarcasm turns into arrogance, and any comments out loud begin to irritate.
Inevitably we ask ourselves the question: did we make the right choice? Don't panic, you're not the only one facing this problem. It is difficult to survive this stage, but if you succeed, it will only get better.
Stage four: working on love
Don't despair if you think your feelings have gone away. You can continue to love even when you have stopped looking at your partner through rose-colored glasses. You will save the situation if you change your way of thinking. Anyone who wants to love will find a suitable way. And in return you will receive an unexpected reward: your feelings will become more mature and stronger.
Recognize that the person next to you cannot and should not be perfect.
We all have disadvantages, problems, complexes, but each of us also has something beautiful. You have to fall in love not with your partner’s strengths, but with your partner’s weaknesses. Don't forget that relationships are work, so focus your efforts on maintaining your union. Be patient, because true love takes time.
Stage Five: Love That Can Change the World
Our life is a complex thing in which there are difficult times. It is possible to cope with all problems alone, but it is difficult. When you build true love and go through the inevitable difficulties, you will acquire a strong ally and main like-minded person in your soulmate.
The most powerful force in this world is the power of two people united into a single whole. In the final stage, a whole new level of mutual respect and acceptance emerges. You don’t hide anything, you know each other’s strengths and weaknesses and you love your partner for who he is.
This kind of love really changes everything. It allows you to forget old grievances, gives you self-confidence and helps you feel your importance and the importance of the person next to you. Don't forget that love is a choice. And you can choose it today.
Only poems and novels portray love as romantically beautiful and endless; in life, all the stages of love in psychology have long been studied, clearly demarcated and “sorted out.”
Do you want to know what will happen after the rose-colored glasses fall off your eyes and you discover quite human (and sometimes not very pleasant) qualities in your angelic lover? Let's try, following psychologists, to “dissect” love.
Patience
The stage of relationship crisis, at which many couples seek advice from a psychologist, begin to read specialized literature, and attend various trainings or seminars. Very often, the fourth stage coincides with the crisis of the third year of marriage. Relationships become more casual, the former ardor and passion disappear. If a child appears, the woman pays almost all her attention to him.
Priorities change, new joint goals appear, now these are children, shared life, property. Passion fades into the background. Tolerance for one's neighbor appears, acceptance of him as he is. Quarrels are no longer so significant; the couple increasingly comes to a common compromise instead of disagreements. At the stage of family relationships, understanding, patience, and awareness appear that you need to change yourself, adapt to your partner, since a break at this stage can cause divorce.
How to know what you love
Do you wake up at dawn with a smile on your lips just thinking that you will see Him today?
It’s not so important to you whether He speaks to you, invites you somewhere, and generally whether He deigns to look at you, the main thing is that you will see the object of your dreams even in passing (for example, at a morning meeting in the boss’s office or in the common dining room at lunch ).
Congratulations - you are in love! Signs of a “pathological condition” are:
- an inexplicable need to admire the object of desire again and again;
- trembling in the knees when he approaches;
- sudden shyness when trying to approach him.
Let's remember Pushkin - it would seem difficult to find a more experienced heartthrob! And he admitted to his friends that he was instantly lost and could not find words to talk as soon as he met his friend in society.
“Madonna” - Natalie Goncharova. It’s even more difficult for an ordinary, ordinary person in such a situation! But the matter is not limited to just falling in love.
It all begins with her. 7 or 5 stages of love in psychology have been identified today. Why are the numbers different? It’s just that sometimes scientists combine the last three stages into one, so instead of seven you get five.
Each period in a couple’s relationship has its own characteristics. Let's see what they are.
Periods of crisis
It is worth considering that these are conditional periods of family crises, and they do not happen in all marriages. Every change in the life of a family, any transition to a new stage, as a rule, is accompanied by the emergence of periods of crisis. The birth of a child, someone's illness, a child entering school - all these events can cause changes in the family or its structure, which are accompanied by problematic situations.
- Relationship crisis “3 years”;
The first critical period occurs between the 3rd and 7th year of marriage and lasts, at best, about a year. The root of the problems lies in the fact that there is no longer romance between partners, in everyday life they begin to behave differently than when they were in love, disagreements and dissatisfaction grow, and a feeling of deception appears.
The second critical period is between 13-23 years of married life, it is less deep, but longer. In this case, the family crisis coincides with a midlife crisis, which happens to many people closer to 40 years of age. It occurs as a result of a discrepancy between life goals and their implementation. At this age, the pressure of time begins to be felt - a person is no longer confident that he will have time to implement his plans.
Sources: Crisis of family relationships by year What years do crises of family life occur and how to overcome them. Relationship crisis: 1st year, 3-5 years, 7 years, 13 years, 25 years https://f-journal.ru/krizis-semejjnykh-otnoshenijj/ Periods of crises The crisis is based on the natural processes of development of family relationships. Therefore, you should not look for the cause of problems in yourself or in your partner. These patterns must be taken into account and your behavior adjusted in accordance with them. It is very important to be patient in a crisis situation and not to act rashly. https://psyhologytoday.ru/stories/semeynye-krizisy/periody-krizisov/
What stages of love do we go through in psychology?
If one of your friends or relatives is celebrating a golden wedding, this means that the spouses have successfully overcome the temptations of all 7 stages and are now safely reaping the benefits - experiencing the 7th stage, which is called “love”.
Meanwhile, this word is often mistakenly used when describing the first stage - falling in love.
Falling in love (aka: candy-bouquet period, aka: chocolate period)
Falling in love occurs under the influence of hormones. A person feels real euphoria when he is able to look at and talk to a potential partner. When the feeling becomes mutual, the joy increases many times over.
Photo: relationship cycle diagram
The members of the couple seem to have no shortcomings: they seem to be ideal halves of a whole. They are together everywhere, holding hands, at times so absorbed in each other that they literally do not notice those around them.
It was at this time that most of the amazingly beautiful poems and portraits were created, and various feats were performed in the name of the beloved (beloved). This stage is wonderful, but, unfortunately, it is not eternal: it lasts about a year and a half. What's next?
Satiation
“Chemistry” stops working, the riot of hormones stops. The couple is still cooing. Issues are resolved jointly, the desire to give in to the other is still present.
But an understanding comes: the partner, it turns out, is not an angel, but just a person. He has not only advantages, but also character traits, in other words, disadvantages.
At this stage, the husband finds out that his wife is not always nice and compliant, and the wife suddenly realizes that her husband has other interests besides her.
Friends and family become important again for both; partners seem to return from the clouds to the sinful earth.
Rejection
The period of rejection (aversion) is the first dangerous time for a marital union. Psychologists note a large number of quarrels
and disagreements at the rejection stage.
Some people experience disgust after a year of family life, others after 3 years. Deadlines vary from person to person. But not a single couple escapes this stage.
Egoism comes to the fore
: partners
begin
to show themselves as they really are.
The husband buys himself some expensive electronic toy, despite the previous agreement to save money for a joint trip.
The wife goes to a cafe with her friends at midnight, “forgetting” to prepare dinner. Each lives by his own interests, with little regard for the needs of the other. Here it is - the first trap for love! At this stage many
They get divorced before they realize the value of the relationship.
Patience
If both partners understand that the union is valuable to them, sooner or later they moderate their demands on their partner. The realization comes: you cannot “reshape” your spouse in your own way, so that it is comfortable with him.
You can only find common ground and build further relationships on this basis. And you need to change yourself: if you want to achieve something from your partner, you need to take into account his interests.
Service
During this period, partners learn to accept each other entirely, without focusing on positive or negative aspects. Demands disappear: for a spouse, you just want to do something without asking for anything in return.
There is a trap here too, especially for women: thanks to some behavioral characteristics of their gender, they can turn into some kind of sacrificial creatures.
Remember the classic cry of a wife’s soul during a stormy quarrel: “I gave you better than 15 years of my life! I did everything for you!” If you really want to “do everything” and “give your best,” stop: there is no need to sacrifice yourself. This will not lead to happiness - only to disappointment.
Respect
The sixth stage of love is also called “friendship”. Relationships are built on a reasonable principle: “You - for me, I - for you.” Each partner knows how to both give and receive.
The amount of “given” and “returned” is no longer weighed: there is no need, the spouses simply know that everyone will always lend a strong shoulder in case of trouble.
Love
So we get to the end: only the last stage of relationship development has every right to be called love. Each member of the couple accepts the other as he really is.
No one is trying to “fix” or “improve” anything in their partner. In quarrels, first of all, everyone pays attention to their mistakes.
Admitting guilt is the norm, and not a sign of weakness of character, and both partners now understand this. The main goal is not to assert one’s superiority, but to preserve the family.
Respect and true friendship
Heart-to-heart talk stage. At this stage, partners become the closest of friends. The embarrassment goes away and is replaced by an exchange of thoughts, genuine feelings and emotions. The couple overcomes all life's challenges together and supports each other. Quarrels and disagreements fade into the background and practically do not arise. The stage of respect depends directly on the previous stage, that is, on service. The true friendship stage lasts from three to six years.
Interestingly, this is the only stage that may not be replaced by the seventh stage, but coexist with it.
Three stages of love in a relationship.
Romantic feelings
- the first stage of love. Romantic love on a physical level is caused by the action of hormones: testosterone and estrogen. The joining of two hearts serves the evolutionary purpose of love, it creates a strong physical attraction for each other and sets the stage for emotional attachment. At this stage of love, the physical brain is “saturated” with endorphins, and the person experiences strong and pleasant sensations. The object of love becomes perfect, ideal. At this stage of love, a person feels cheerful and even in high spirits - this means that he has fallen in love.
Physical attraction
and the struggle for power is the second stage of love (the “falling in love” phase).
A person has lost his appetite, sleeps less and dreams of the object of his love on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. At this stage of love, the body and brain are filled with substances such as dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin
. Attempts are made to form an ideal out of the object of adoration - this is where the struggle for power arises. At this stage of the relationship, the lover becomes more “down to earth”; disagreements arise about what foods can be eaten and which cannot, what music to listen to and what it is better not to listen to, etc. The infatuation passes, giving way to a strong emotional attachment.
Emotional attachment
or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment also involves commitment, relationships, and even the birth of children (however, fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). At this stage of love, a person already knows both the positive and negative traits of his partner, and the couple decides to build a life together. At this stage, various kinds of confrontations are most likely to occur. Two people close to each other decide: either they will create a healthy, loving relationship or they are not suitable for each other.
Stay in love
Love is not just a means to bring happiness and joy into our lives (and maybe disappointment and pain). Love is a living, energetic being that changes and grows, demanding attention - and must be cherished. At all three stages, our love helps reveal our entire essence, all our strengths and weaknesses.
At all stages, love helps you accept your strengths and weaknesses. Love also reveals the strengths and weaknesses of the person close to us.
In any long-term relationship, falling in love passes quickly enough, giving way to everyday life and acceptance of your partner for who he is. Only at this moment does the slow process begin on the path to the birth of true love.
It doesn’t matter whether you are legally married or have simply been living together for several years, however, the strength of feelings is always tested by time and true deep and adult love can only be reached after certain stages.
There are seven main phases in a relationship that can ultimately lead you and your partner to a thoughtful and time-tested feeling of true love for each other.
1. Candy and bouquet stage
You are in love, everything is fine and wonderful, whether you are dating or starting to live together at this stage - life seems like a fairy tale. Endorphins are buzzing in your body, the idolization of each other is off the charts and you think that you have found your person for life. But this is not love, but banal love and passion, lasting a maximum of one and a half to two years.
Photo: unsplash.com
2. Oversaturation stage
The period in which you finally begin to see each other's shortcomings and understand that everything is not as rosy as it seemed. However, you have already become attached to each other, you feel relaxed and natural around each other, but the emotions begin to subside.
3. Disgust stage
It cannot be avoided. You quarrel, accuse each other of misunderstanding, difference in values and characters, you lack the same feelings, you are completely different people. If at this moment the couple does not break up, then the relationship moves to the next stage.
4. Patience stage
This stage symbolizes wisdom and the beginning of real maturation in your relationship. Even if you quarrel, each of you understands that the scandal will end, and the relationship will continue, since you are still together, and everyone has troubles, so why separate now.
5. Stage of duty and respect
You begin to treat each other with understanding and respect. This can be called the first stage of meaningful love. Before that it was just grinding in. Each of you is aware of your responsibilities, calmly fulfills them and tries not to take, but first of all to give something to your other half.
Photo: unsplash.com
6. Friendship stage
During this period, you become the closest people to each other, trust, share secrets. You have nothing to hide from each other, you have been together for a really long time and this stage of true friendship opens the way for you to true love.
7. True love
It takes a very long time to get to true love. It’s not even a matter of temporary distance, but of accepting yourself and your partner as you are, of rethinking your life, of the ability to give and sacrifice, of tolerance and humility when necessary. But if you still mutually came to this, you can be congratulated, this is real deep love.
Let us remember that LeMonade previously wrote about two main factors that can make your personal life ideal.
