Respect, flexibility, the ability to compromise, maturity and responsibility are a short list of what a happy couple simply cannot do without, but there are other important details. Among other things, life priorities and sexual compatibility lead. If your loved one's list of values differs in order from yours, it is difficult to achieve mutual understanding.
For example, you spend days and nights at work, because your career and providing for your family come first for you, and your spouse is waiting for you at home, offended and dreaming of joint leisure. Of course, you will ask for forgiveness, perhaps try to compensate for your absence with gifts, but you will not quit your job. It is unlikely that you will radically change the current situation. And sexual dissatisfaction will sooner or later affect your nerves, health, and relationships in general.
Similarities and differences
Popular wisdom is ambiguous regarding compatibility - sometimes “opposites attract”, sometimes “two boots are a pair”. Perhaps both are true in different situations. For example, if both partners are active and love to play sports, this will bring them closer, but if both partners strive for leadership in the family, this will cause constant conflicts. On the other hand, when one is not capable of making a quick decision, and the second is ready to take everything upon himself, then both will be comfortable with each other. Such successful complementarity will allow the timid partner to achieve greater success and allow the leader to prove himself.
Sense of humor
If partners do not have a similar sense of humor, they can, of course, live together, but in difficult periods of life this will complicate the relationship. You don't have to tell jokes from morning to night to consider your family happy, but understanding each other's jokes really doesn't hurt.
Think about it, if your jokes, once again, do not bring a smile to your partner’s face. What does this mean? About the fact that you have different views on life and the very attitude towards it. Sometimes a lack of understanding of humor reveals differences in education or upbringing.
Laughing at other people's failures, mistakes and troubles should alert you. Before the wedding, you and your partner will make fun of your neighbor Isolde, and after that, the slander will sooner or later reach you. Believe me, you won't find it funny.
Excessive jokes about gender, sex, or racism can also indicate problems in these areas.
Business partner and relationship partner - what's the difference?
I use this technique with my clients on metaphorical maps (see how MACs work here >). It shows very well who we really want to see next to us.
Why a business partner?
Because life together is not only romance under the moon. This includes running a joint household, solving everyday and financial issues, the ability to build connections with common relatives, etc. So it turns out that the ideal partner should not only please you at leisure and in bed, but also be a reliable support in any life situations. And this is a relationship of a different kind.
To understand who you need, I’ll give an example from my practice.
A client comes with a request - I want my husband to earn more. After some small talk, I ask her to pull out 2 cards face up - one for an ideal business partner, the other for an ideal relationship partner.
Here's what she chose:
By describing cards, it is easier for us to talk about a person and understand ourselves.
Then I asked her to talk about these men and the qualities that each of them should have. You too can do this practice and be surprised to discover how different they are.
Here's what happened for my client:
I deliberately highlighted in red the qualities that coincide.
Look at this list! What is the difference between a relationship partner and a business partner? Obviously, a lot of people. Moreover, some qualities are mutually exclusive!
How can a man be kind, honest, non-aggressive and without pretensions and at the same time enterprising, energetic, strong, purposeful and earn a lot?
Unfortunately, this happens all the time...
How often do women want a man to be gentle, attentive, sensitive, etc. And then they say that they have weak-willed husbands who cannot provide for them... And if, God forbid, a man starts earning money and stays at work - there are immediately accusations of infidelity, scandals...
How often do men want a bright, beautiful, sexy wife, and then are surprised that she demands money and that she is no good housewife! And if she looked at someone in the wrong way, or someone began to show her signs of attention, jealousy begins to go off scale.
Intellectual level and education
Romantic stories about naughty people and smart people still happen today, but when it comes to meeting friends and parents, things get awkward. If a girl has two higher educations, a penchant for quoting philosophers and a love of using aphorisms, and her chosen one does not know what an “aphorism” is, but is embarrassed to ask, it will be difficult to build a good relationship. It’s not so much a matter of diplomas and certificates; their absence can be caused by some extraneous circumstances, but rather a matter of a person’s intellectual abilities and curiosity. Psychologists are increasingly coming to the conclusion: the closer the level of intelligence, the stronger the love union.
Religion
It is important to hold similar religious views because it is difficult to change them. Religion is not just a word, it is an entire cultural system that runs through the entire perception of life. Think about it: would it be good for a believer and an atheist to live under the same roof? Religious differences have more than once become the culprits of discord. Performing rituals, praying, observing fasts, visiting a church or mosque, and, finally, the spiritual education of children sometimes become the cause of serious disputes and irritation in the family.
Parents' family
When we get married, we must understand that we will become related not only to our spouse, but also to his family. Even if they live a thousand kilometers away and come once every five years. Parents have a strong influence not only on the child’s character, but also on his ideas about married life and the distribution of household responsibilities.
If your beloved’s dad loved everyone to walk around the house on tiptoe, and after hitting the table with their fist, they would run away from room to room, it is quite possible that the successor to the family strives for the same “family idyll.” Ask about the family, take a closer look at the behavior and relationships between your partner’s parents. But if your parents do not have a good family relationship, this does not mean that your marriage is doomed to unhappiness; the main thing is to analyze their mistakes and not repeat them in your own life.
How to choose a partner for life? Typical mistakes when choosing a husband
All girls dream of marrying a prince! Over the years, however, the image of the ideal betrothed undergoes significant changes, and mature ladies are already ready to agree, if not for a prince, but at least for his squire, even if not for a gentleman with gorgeous hair, then at least with a neat bald head, and so on... And when age dictates its conditions, then business women approach the issue of marriage practically and choose a person based on the principles described in the next article. True, they often make mistakes, the methods for correcting which are also discussed below...
Sex and talk!
Lately, my friends have been divided into two camps: those who got married and those who only dream of starting a family. The first ones talk about their lives with restraint or don’t talk about it at all. When outbursts of revelation occur, you find out that family life turned out to be anything but Eldorado, sometimes it is boring, unbearable, bitter, and they longingly remember the carefree happy time before marriage.
Spiritual abyss
I was struck by the story of how Vladimir Nabokov met his future wife: Vera took him for a walk through the city at night. She was wearing a mask with a wolf profile and recited his poems by heart. A grateful Nabokov wrote the poem “Meeting” about a romantic walk.
Vera became not only Nabokov’s faithful wife, but also a critic, secretary, translator, listener, literary agent, editor, and, despite the fact that crises and betrayals occurred in their relationship, he could not write or live without Vera. Of course, such fateful meetings are very rare.
This is the kind of union you dream of. But reality sometimes looks completely different. How often do you choose a partner for life today?
Olga, 29 years old : It’s time for me to have a child, I think I like Petya, we’ll get used to sex, but he has an apartment in the center of Moscow, he earns a lot. Then age catches up. There is no one to choose from.
Natasha, 30 years old : Seryozha treats me well, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, he has his own business. I'm interested in communicating with him. There is no passion at all, there was a month, and then it all went away. All in doubt.
Grigory, 28 years old : We lived with Ira for a year. It was good, then I started to get tired of her, and then she got pregnant. My parents began to stress me out, so I thought it was time to settle down, and Ira takes good care of me. We have common hobbies - we like to ride bicycles and roller skates.
Elena, 30 years old : I want a child so much - I can’t think about anything. If I meet a suitable man, I’ll give birth to him. I'm even ready to give birth for myself.
Igor, 27 years old : Marina drove me crazy, she has no equal in bed. Sometimes we have nothing to talk about, but every night she is with me.
There are many such stories. If the age of up to 25 years passes, then many no longer expect strong love and deeper feelings; they choose a partner according to the principle of a car: for some it’s a brand, for others it’s a good ride.
Recently I began to remember when someone read poetry to me? Under the moon? It was a long time ago. Today, on a date, a man talks about how much he earns, or complains that he does not earn as much as people on the coveted Forbes list. There are few general topics for conversation: no one reads books, no one discusses politics.
It’s a big plus if your chosen one is from your professional field - there is a common theme! Our parents argued heatedly about what was happening in the world in smoky kitchens. Today the generation of 30-year-olds is not interested in this; the most important questions are where you work, how much you earn, what kind of car, where you went on vacation.
Future “partners” rarely try to reach a different depth in a relationship. Few people care about spiritual intimacy; there is some vague need to create a family and children. And after no common themes have been found, and their views on life are not very compatible, a man and a woman try to fill this void with the delights of sex.
This is why many unions are initially doomed to failure: couples get stuck on a common life, the desire to get rich, and build a career. Sex gets boring. And soon there is emptiness. For some, in six months, for others, in two or three years.
Two sheep on the bridge
But even if you find a person with whom you can talk heart-to-heart for hours, over time or immediately you come to another issue. Are we sexually compatible? If you already have some sexual experience, it’s not so easy to be deceived and not notice that sex with another person was amazing, but with a new fan there are no such emotions.
There are things that are impossible to overcome: for example, you don’t like your partner’s smell. You shouldn't turn a blind eye to this. The smell conveys a person’s health, and your subconscious is trying to “shout out” to you: we don’t need it, it doesn’t suit us, we pass by, we look further. And in general, how much do you like your partner as a person?
Or you meet a person who has completely opposite preferences in sex: he prefers anal sex, or oral sex is more important to him than genital sex. It’s worth a look here - maybe the person wants to impress you by reading thematic books and magazines?
Maybe for him your relationship is just a sexual experiment. Is he willing to do what you like? Or does he dictate his own preferences? Or you meet a person, you like him, you are interested in him, but after sex (even passionate) there is emptiness or a creeping disgust in your soul. Perhaps this is our suppressed intuition, which feels ahead of schedule.
It’s worth thinking about why a person feels cold, despite all his kind words. Also note how often does your partner want to have sex? Is this right for you? Needs rarely change. Pay attention to biorhythms - are you ready to adapt to your partner? He only likes sex early in the morning, and you are a night owl. Will you be able to change your mind for the sake of your loved one? After all, if not you, then someone else.
Love and relationships in a couple are not easy work. There is never one person to blame for a quarrel. At the same time, the husband is the head, the wife is the neck. Today there is a conditional division of women into “wives” and “mistresses”. “Mistresses” are ready to do anything to get a man: they constantly develop, take care of themselves, experiment in sex, study massage, meditation, tantra.
The “wives” are mired in everyday life, many are tired of their husbands, they don’t want to do anything for him, it seems that this part of life has been exhausted. But when you begin to discover your possibilities, you yourself change, you become toned. Life becomes brighter, and your chosen one is happier with you!
If two sheep could hear each other and separate on the bridge, then couples would find the strength to be together for many years, walking along the night embankments of Paris, reading poems about love to each other!
Inappropriate motives for marriage
1. A way to separate from the parental family. The desire of young spouses to distance themselves from their parents is one of the most common inadequate reasons for getting married.
2. A means to overcome any crisis: creating a family out of revenge on a former lover as an attempt to cope with the loss of a loved one, an opportunity to survive professional failure, etc.
3. Compliance with social norms to avoid social pressure.
4. Marriage as an achievement when one of the partners receives material or social benefits.
5. Forced marriage, for example, in case of accidental pregnancy.
Based on materials from the magazine “Our Psychology”
Estimate:
Rating:
Views: (8459)
Dear Guest! To leave a comment on this article, you must register.
RegisterThanks, later
Comments: 0 Replies: 0
Forum
Publish on your blog
Put it in your office
RSS
Conflicts
If you have never quarreled with your loved one, this does not mean that there will never be conflicts between you at all. Most likely, the period in a relationship has not passed when two people try to give in to each other in everything. But you will see your partner’s ability to get out of controversial situations, find compromises and accept someone else’s point of view only when your interests intersect in something. So, saying that you are an ideal couple, do not rush to conclusions before a small get-together.
Avoid rude people, people with mental disorders and various types of addictions. Drug addiction, gambling addiction and alcoholism do not go away on their own. Don't play the role of savior where professional help is needed. During the period of falling in love, you will be solemnly promised to “get over it” after receiving a new position, wedding or the birth of a child. It’s worth thinking: since everything is so simple, why now does a person continue to ruin the life of himself and others. Of course, there are rare exceptions, but, as a rule, “after” the situation only gets worse.
You can't get away with dreams and lists alone. Leave the thought that you will never meet “that person” and go meet him. Get out of the house more often, do what you love, find like-minded people, visit theaters, exhibitions, dating sites and other places where you can meet your ideal. Believe in yourself! Our happiness is in our hands!
Tags: psychology of relationships, family values, ideal man, partners, dating
How to choose a partner for a long-term relationship
So, you have decided to choose a partner. What should you pay attention to? What is really important for a long-term relationship and what is not. Oddly enough, these are not obvious things.
Firstly – what kind of place do we choose? We have a head (brain, mind, intellect) that operates with information, a heart (soul) in which feelings live, and a body that experiences sensations.
In our daily city life, we most often use the mind. This is convenient for us and those around us; at work, most often, the ability to handle information contributes to our career. Even those who work with their hands subordinate them to their heads. When choosing a partner, we automatically also turn on the mind.
He, honestly trying to help us, develops optimal selection criteria - compliance with the image accepted in society, our personal ideal, good characteristics according to social parameters - “higher education, looks good, decent income,” etc.
And everything seems to be fine. But in a relationship, when a partner is chosen in this way, there is a feeling that something is missing. This “something” is very difficult to express in words. Because it does not live in the realm of the mind and in the realm of words. Only a few metaphors can approximate this. “No spark” we say in such cases. And when it is, we say “this woman has a zest.” What is a “highlight”? Objectively, there is no zest in this woman, but in a man she gives rise to a feeling, some kind of attraction, interest, something that can be expressed by this metaphor “zest.” And it no longer sounds from the mind, but from the heart and body.
So, how to choose? To choose a partner for a long-term relationship, it makes sense to ask the mind to be silent. Yes, of course, all social criteria are important, but they are not decisive. They can be put aside for now, and besides, they change. And one more thing - the mind has one insidious property. He very easily changes his opinion to the opposite under the influence of emotions. Like a corrupt trial lawyer, he will try to win or lose the case depending on how much he is paid. And the payment is feelings. So it’s better to immediately pay attention to feelings and sensations. They are the ones who determine the choice of relationships.
How exactly? There are those feelings and sensations that attract us to some people and push us away from others. One of the most important, basic feelings is safety.
How to feel it? At our dating meetings, we allow enough time to simply stand next to the person, look into their eyes and check out the sensations in their body.
- What is happening to you now?
- Are you calm, confident, at ease, maybe there is excitement and embarrassment, but it rather excites and behind it a sense of adventure?
- Can you afford to fool around with him?
- Or is there a slight trembling, your breathing stops or becomes unsteady, does it seem to you that he thinks something bad about you, are you afraid that he will criticize you for something?
- Maybe just an incomprehensible feeling of danger.
It doesn’t matter what the partner looks like - he can look completely harmless. We are not talking about any objective danger here, this is an internal subjective feeling, it may be completely illogical, but it is yours.
If there is discomfort, fear, trembling, or lack of self-confidence next to a person, this is unsafe. There is no need to overcome this, it is better to look for someone else.
Important! If you honestly check your feelings with several people and discover that you are unsafe with ALL men, or with ALL women, or with ALL people in general, and there are no exceptions, then this indicates some kind of internal psychological pain and it’s worth going with it to a specialist psychologist.
If you start to overcome this feeling and force yourself to be around people, even though you feel unsafe and bad, then this is self-abuse and you will not get any good experience. Therefore, it is better to first work with this problem; it can be solved quite successfully.
…
So, let's assume you have found a partner who is pleasant to you and safe to be around. Now check your feelings. What do you experience when you are next to this person? Something else besides a feeling of security? Is there elation, enthusiasm, joy, tone or calmness, peace, relaxation. Feelings can be very different, the main criterion is whether they are pleasant or not? Are you ready to experience them? Another criterion is if it is somehow neutral next to the person, but there is some kind of action of his, or this is your joint action, usually very simple, for example, you are holding hands, or he handed you a coat, and this immerses you into some almost magical state of happiness. Bodily sensations. Does your body feel good next to him? Do you like its smell? No, not cologne, not perfume, but the smell of the body and hair of a healthy person. This is a very important, ancient channel of perception.
Human rhythm. Each of us has our own rhythm, some are fast, others are slow. A cloud of thoughts flashes through the heads of some in a second, while others think one thing slowly and corrosively. It's the same with movements. People's rhythms may be the same or they may differ. The most important thing is that neither you nor your partner are annoyed by this. Are you ready to wait for his answer to your question within a minute? Is he ready for a machine-gun burst of your questions and suggestions? If yes, it's worth continuing.
Character traits. This is difficult to see at the first meeting; character and habits reveal themselves later. What matters is not what kind of character your partner has, but how you feel around him. There are no good and bad characters. There are people who are pleasant or unpleasant to be around. Just pay attention to your reactions to your partner's actions. If the reactions are more often neutral or you feel good, stay close. If it’s more often unpleasant and bad, think about it.
We wish you good luck and happiness, a lot and regularly, and invite you to our Successful Dating Club , where you can find a worthy match.
Good luck to all of us!!!
