How not to be jealous of past relationships?

I am jealous of my wife about the past. What to do?

The main reason why it is not possible to help everyone who says: “ A woman is jealous of the past ” is the unwillingness to accept the fact that the problem is only in his head, partly, of course, in his wife, but in what is happening to him today it not guilty. Most carriers of an aggressive temperament are not able to find grounds for an intelligible approach to the problem, as a result of upbringing in the family and subjectively perceive reality. Are you ready to reconsider your views, renounce some principles and accept reality? Then let's begin. Otherwise, in the next two to three months you will find yourself with a neurologist, narcologist or psychiatrist.

The formation of groundless mental and physical reactions in a person is not caused by jealousy; it is more appropriate to call it regret about one’s past and the number of mistakes of one’s spouse potentially associated with it. From the words of one client: “... I understand that there were many signals that pushed us towards each other and we could have met 5-10 years earlier, I would not have dated those girls who cheated on me, and my wife would not have been looking for idiots on dating sites for one-time meetings, believing that they will truly fall in love with her.”

Every man who feels jealous of his wife’s past must resort to the following actions to solve the problem:

Having delved into your past, identify the plot that has become the psycho-emotional foundation for the development of possessiveness;
Determine at what point in life the idea of women who have a large number of sexual contacts as weak-willed individuals who do not deserve male respect was formed;
Check whether your spouse is capable of cheating (see Signs of a wife cheating. | How to check your wife for cheating?);
Find out the coefficient of your feelings and compare it with the coefficient of lack of trust;
If the problem is with your husband, reconsider your priorities, notify your wife and ask for help in eliminating the illness (in addition, read: How to love yourself?).

Important! You must be honest and not deceive yourself, only in this case will you be able to achieve results. It’s too late to look for the culprits; today you need to establish a psychological barrier between jealousy and the secondary reaction of physiological processes to it. If you don't do this, you can seriously injure yourself.

Jealousy about a guy's past

Hello everyone! Please help with advice or encouragement! I’m dating a guy. I’m 17, he’s 21. We love each other very much. I recently found out about his ex-girlfriend, a classmate. He met her three years ago. I don’t know how many girls he had in total, because we avoid these topics, but definitely not many. He and I are a virgin. We are going to get married. I dated 2 guys before him, but nothing happened. Never before I thought about my exes, but now I keep thinking about the fact that my beloved hugged and kissed someone. Although I know that everyone has a past, this is a little unpleasant. He loves me very much and I love him. He says that he only loved me for the first time and for real. I think so too. Can we consider that we are each other’s first? After all, kisses are almost nothing. The wedding is coming soon, which means my virginity will be his. How can I get rid of thoughts about the “past”? After all, there is nothing “criminal” in it.

Let's try to understand the reason for such pathological, and most importantly, useless jealousy. It lies in the subconscious fear of comparison: what if they were better than me? What if my husband never forgets them?

In order not to get hung up on your jealousy of the past, you must understand only one thing: what happened is past, and nothing can be changed. It already HAS BEEN, but it won’t happen. So what's the point of worrying about something that has already ended and will never happen again? What difference does it make - how many times he hugged and kissed someone? Forget about it and don't remind the guy. HE will be yours and only your husband. And he loves you and only you. It is most important.

And after the first time, my friend and I discussed whether he had intimate relationships with girls or not. I still don’t understand, because... I had no experience then. Maybe it didn’t happen, or maybe it happened several times with several. You won't gain much experience there! I don't know. But it gnaws at me, oh, how it gnaws at me.

Source: Jealousy of a guy's past Hello everyone! Please help with advice or encouragement! I'm dating a guy. I'm 17, he's 21. We love each other very much. I recently found out about his ex-girlfriend, a classmate. He dated her for three years https:/ /galya.ru/clubs/show.php?dlimit=0&id=950146&p=1

Causes of jealousy.

To figure out how to overcome jealousy of your wife’s past, analyze the behavioral model of your parents and visualize in your mind your reactions to their attitude towards you. This will help identify the factors influencing the subconscious to this day. The fact is that psychologists have found that the absence of a father in the family, when it is deformed, leaves a serious imprint on the further development of the boy; this has little effect on girls, since already in adolescence they move away from their parents, and when problems arise that cannot be solved, turn to mom for help. Boys become more attached to their father, and at the moment of distance they do not stop interacting with him, but if he is not there, they become insecure individuals. (in addition we recommend: Jealous wife of her ex. What to do?)

Maternal overprotection leads to the following results:

A man is not able to make a decision on his own;
Looks for a complete copy of the mother as a chosen one, that is, a dominant personality;
He doubts every person, looks for a catch;
If the wife’s behavior is not a copy of the mother’s behavior, thoughts about her own insignificance, the meaninglessness of marriage, etc. come to mind.

A mother’s disregard or bullying (shows no interest in her son’s affairs, his well-being, or attitude toward anything—does not educate, but severely punishes mistakes) leads to the following:

The man is disoriented in social society;
Looks for easy ways, is not equipped to solve serious, complex problems;
Poorly sees the difference between a bad and a good deed;
Does not become attached to people, therefore he is prone to cheating and does not feel guilty for what he has done;
He doesn’t choose his wife, she becomes something random;
The number of mistakes made directly affects the maturity of the individual, as a rule, it is 35-40 years old;
Sometimes an ardent desire to change your life leads to its idealization, which motivates you to earn a lot, dress beautifully, follow a routine, and choose only the best for yourself (this also applies to the bride).

My husband's jealousy about my past

Hello! I'm incredibly tired of my husband's nagging about my past, and I think it's completely unreasonable. Before my husband, I dated two guys, one for 5 years, the second for 3. I never “wasted money” and was a decent girl. The last relationship was very difficult for me, I won’t describe it, but as a result of my constant feeling of guilt, I ended up on the operating table to have a cavity cut out for me, which I “ate” for myself. At this time I talked with a psychologist, who with several sessions simply pulled me out of that terrible state by the collar. It was perhaps the happiest time (one of) when the world shone in a completely new way in my eyes. Naturally, there are no feelings left for my past. And then I meet my husband, everything is developing rapidly, I’ve never been so crazy before, I’m ready to dissolve for this person, although I know that this is not good. We have a wonderful son, although we have been living together for a little less than two years. About six months after we met, jealousy of my past began, and it was wild. I found a photo somewhere on the computer with my ex, although I deleted where I found it, because I myself wouldn’t be happy to admire it if I saw something like that on my loved one. Then he found an old video recording, and without thinking at all, he drove me, pregnant, into hysterics and even wanted to leave. And now, when he drinks (in this state, unfortunately, “he blows his head”) the same thing begins, they say, “he is your beloved, why did you leave him, he is yours,” etc. Although there is a child in her arms and plans for a happy future. The person seems to be divided into two parts - one is impeccable and the dream of any woman, the second is an instant temper and an inadequate reaction to many situations. Briefly about my husband - childhood was far from “successful”, he was often alone, raised without a father. Throughout life he blazes a trail for himself everywhere, and has already achieved a lot. In the relationship, there was complete debauchery (that’s where the field for jealousy is! But I understand that this is the past, and I can’t convey it to him..), the last relationship was difficult, I really loved the girl, and she turned out to be unfaithful. I’m trying to connect this, but he loves me now, so I’m sitting at home with the child, just a little beyond the threshold - what’s where with whom, and who’s talking there, etc. I also forgot to mention that one day I decided to look at his photos on the computer and found a lot of “interesting” photos from almost 15 years old. I couldn’t stand it, but for him it was like “no big deal,” if I had such a meeting, we definitely wouldn’t have stayed together. That’s all, in general) I’m really looking forward to your advice, because my unwavering loyalty does not lead to results.

Jealousy of my past life

Psychological pressure on physiology.

To say “a woman is jealous of the past” means to want to distance psychological reactions from physical ones, because with jealousy, absolutely all the body’s protective functions against an excess of emotions are involved. It turns out that you need to get rid of not only the obsession to idealize your life by clearing your spouse’s past, but also to ease the psycho-emotional pressure on the body.

But how to overcome jealousy of your wife's past ?

Since the cause of irritability, stress, exhaustion and lack of sleep is in psychology, then you will have to fight the disease in your head - this is a colossal job and cannot be done in one day, so we recommend preparing in advance for self-hypnosis, numerous internal dialogues with yourself and, as a result, acceptance reality without bias.

There are only physical obstacles to the healing of the soul - this is the multiplicity of brain injuries. Epilepsy (or everyone who has had a concussion has signs of it) is a common and little-studied ailment, as a result of which thinking cannot be changed, however, a fact has been revealed: due to numerous neuroses, an epileptic attack occurs, as a result of which a physical barrier is created on the neural level between the area of the brain responsible for emotions and the area where the “portrait of an ideal woman” is stored, in this case, when remembering his wife’s past, the man will not experience physical discomfort, i.e. emotional irritation.

Russian Speaking Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco Bay Area

How to get rid of jealousy towards your loved one's past?

My problem is that whenever my husband plunges into memories of places where he has been (and he has traveled a lot), I am overcome by an inexplicable feeling of either envy or annoyance. I myself am a passionate lover of travel, I have always been one and I am not going to stop there, but for some reason, when my husband mentions his trips, my mood drops sharply, I start to really want to rush there. I have to pull myself together, because I’m in a situation and I’m unlikely to go anywhere soon.

The annoying thing is that he often remembers a trip as “one of the best times of his life,” which gives the impression (to me) that nothing interesting is happening in his current life. I am offended by such words. I’m also annoyed that everything is not new to him, since we already had experience of traveling together to new (for me) countries: I’m delighted, everything is new and interesting to me, I want to be on time both here and there, but he is absolutely calm, strives to reduce the time of stay and the program of visiting places, which gives the impression that we are running on top of our heads. That is, if it were up to me, I would stay in new places longer and my program would be more extensive.

Otherwise, everything is fine with us, there are no problems in the relationship - he is an easy-going person and I am also balanced and calm, we almost never quarrel. The only thing that prevents me from living is the emotions described above. Please help me with advice: how and what to work on to get rid of this negativity?

Source: Russian Speaking Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco Bay Area Russian Speaking Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco Bay Area How to get rid of jealousy about your loved one's past? My problem is that whenever my husband https://russiantherapist.blogspot.ru/2013/09/jealousy-to-the-past.html

How to get rid of jealousy about your wife's past?

Jealousy of the wife's past is caused only by a state of shock that arose due to the discrepancy between the expected response and the received one, it follows that the therapy will have to be carried out independently with oneself. Self-change implies detachment from the illusions in which you were before the fact was revealed.

What should you not do during self-medication?

Don't quarrel with your wife;
Do not create provocative situations that test her tendency to contact others;
Do not drink alcoholic beverages;
Do not show aggression towards her relatives;
Do not think about the problem while working, while getting ready for bed, during family leisure time, and also in the company of common children.

What should be done?

Reclassify a psychological problem into a mathematical problem (psychology is almost like mathematics, 1 + 1 = 2, betrayal + mistrust = divorce...), you need to achieve increased concentration using the brain, not nerve impulses, because when you solve a math problem, you are not you are subject to an angry state, here too;
Take off your rose-colored glasses (look at your wife soberly, evaluate her actions, household management, warmth of relationships), has it always been this way or after you found out about the past? On the other hand, since she told about SUCH a past, it means that she is open to you and completely trusts you, right? Think about it;
How many partners did you have before your wife? Do you agree that she also had the right to make a mistake before you? Or are your mistakes more forgiving? Do you consider yourself an ideal person, and her unworthy of your love? After all, without knowing about the wrongdoings, you would continue to love and respect her as before? Answer these questions for yourself.

Understand that neither of you are perfect. The main thing is that having united, you became ideal for each other. Remember what motivated you to have sex with girls before marriage. Are you ready to admit that your spouse before you had the same motivation? If you were really looking for a bride, why deny that she was looking for a groom? There are no coincidences, and the result is obvious - the path that you both went through brought you together.

How to overcome jealousy of the past?

Everyone knows jealousy: the guy who forbids his girlfriend to spend time with her friends, the wife who watches her husband's every move like a detective. There are many more such examples that can be cited. But there is another jealousy - for the past.

Any jealousy usually arises for one reason - we are afraid that our loved one will leave us for someone else. Although this fear is most often unfounded and irrational, it is still based on the real possibility that a partner could theoretically fall in love with a new colleague or meet someone on the Internet.

However, jealousy of the past has no real basis.

Most often, former partners no longer pose any threat to the current relationship, but jealous people cannot get them out of their heads, tormented by obsessive thoughts about their partner’s former lovers or mistresses.

The manifestations of the first and second types of jealousy are surprisingly similar. Both cause anger, fear, anxiety and paranoia. Both can drive a jealous person to do crazy things, such as spying on a partner using spyware on a computer or phone, or “interrogating.” Both types of jealousy destroy relationships, causing even a perfect union to fail.

Jealousy is always caused by uncertainty, fear of losing a partner. And the more you think about your partner’s past, the stronger she becomes

Both types of jealousy are difficult to get rid of. Moreover, it is usually more difficult to recover from jealousy of the past, simply because it is directed not at the present, but at the past. The very fact that the suffering jealous person understands how irrational his feelings about events in the past are makes getting rid of this scourge a difficult task.

Intellectually, a jealous person understands that everything that worries him is left behind, but on an emotional level he cannot get rid of difficult thoughts. As a result, he finds himself in a vicious circle - the more he realizes that his thoughts are crazy, the deeper he plunges into this madness.

NUMEROLOGICAL COMPATIBILITY OF COUPLES

Unfortunately, phrases like “Forget about it already” or “His (her) past made them who they are now” do not help the jealous person. If only it were so easy for him to decide for himself: “That’s it, I won’t think about it anymore. Stop living in the past,” he would have done this long ago.

How can a jealous person break the vicious circle? Here are three solutions.

How to overcome jealousy of the past?

1. Don't think. The more you think about events from the past, the more anxiety will grow, it will begin to feed on itself.

2. Increase your self-esteem.

Remember - if you cannot change the situation, change your attitude towards it. The problem is not the past, but our distortion of it. You have a lot of work to do to improve your self-esteem and reduce your fear that your partner will find someone “better.” Deep down, we worry about our partner’s past because we are afraid of losing him in the present. Think about what you don't like about yourself - you probably think that your partner doesn't like these traits either. Engage in self-improvement.

3. Stop judging.

Jealousy of the past often also contains a strong element of judgment. Your partner may have done something in the past that hurt you or made you angry. Therefore, it is extremely important to work through and eliminate this judgment.

So here are three keys to recovery: work on your self-esteem, stop judging your partner, and try not to fall into the trap of over-ruminating about the past, and soon you will feel the pangs of jealousy begin to leave you.

About the expert

Jeff Billings, author of How to Stop Being Jealous of Your Partner's Past in 12 Steps, his website retroactivejealousycrusher

12 Steps of Gratitude: Thank Those Who Hurt You

Source

Jealousy of the wife's past. Advice from a psychologist.

Dealing with the phenomenon of “Jealousy of your wife’s past” is difficult; many contradictions and torments will await everyone, but the importance of the strategy lies in adapting and adapting to your stereotypes, fears and reality. You can notice a transformation of the subconscious already in the first days of suppressing aggression due to passive reflection on realities and changes in the psychological foundation laid in childhood.

Psychologists emphasize: it is necessary, against the background of stress and hatred experienced towards your wife, to try to wish her the best:

To compliment;
Give gifts, warmth, attention;
Idolize and thank her for becoming a part of life.

Positive messages into the mind of the wife will provoke a reverse reaction, which will smooth out the man’s experiences.

In a different state of affairs, if a man feels a sense of injustice “... I had three girls and serious relationships with them, and she has 40 men, it turns out that she walked around and met me, and I was always looking for her, it’s not fair,” you can allow yourself to command your wife, dominate in bed, in a word, make her a prisoner. As a result, a feeling of restoration of justice will be created, and the chosen one will not experience discomfort leading to conflict.

To continue studying the topic, we recommend these materials: How to stop being jealous of your wife? | How to be jealous?

How to Avoid Jealousy of the Past

Jealousy is a feeling that visits each of us from time to time. The feeling is not the best and not the most worthy. Why are we jealous and what can we do to get rid of jealousy?

First you need to figure out what this strange feeling is? I think no one will argue that jealousy “hits” both sides: both the one who is jealous and the one who is jealous suffers.

Jealousy comes in different forms. According to its manifestations and the reasons causing it.

Wild jealousy (Have you prayed at night, Desdemona?)

An extremely jealous person tries to completely control his partner, his every step. And then every minute spent outside of him is equated to betrayal.

Jealousy after betrayal (Forgive? Yes. Forget? No!)

If your partner has ever cheated on you, jealousy often gets out of control. Most likely, you will never be able to fully trust your partner; you will suspect deception everywhere and be jealous of every pillar.

Unjustified jealousy to attract attention

A person who is not confident in himself is simply pleased to hear declarations of love and apologies in response to each of his (even unfounded) reproaches.

Ordinary jealousy

This jealousy is more like fear: you are afraid that your partner will find someone more beautiful, richer, more attractive - in general, better than you. Uncertainty is the key word for this condition.

Its most common subtype is the so-called jealousy of the past. It’s a rare person who can resist involuntarily comparing himself with the previous partner of his other half. Such a comparison brings nothing but pain. This type of jealousy, stemming from constant comparison, leads to lower self-esteem and, most importantly, annoys the partner. Instead of focusing on the happy moments of your current relationship, you methodically go over imaginary moments of your partner's happy past in your head. Such thoughts can not only shake your self-esteem, but also lead to the collapse of your current relationship. Fortunately, there are several simple and effective ways to rid yourself of unnecessary and dangerous jealousy of the past.

1. Constantly remind yourself that there will always be a person who will be more attractive, smarter, more educated, more successful than you - regardless of who you are and what you are like. This is the law of life, and there is no tragedy in it. But this law of life should not have any negative impact on you and your self-esteem. After all, each of us has our own life path, unique talents, opportunities and abilities.

2. Live in the present: Your partner is with you for a very specific reason: he wants to be with you, and not with someone from his past. There is definitely something about you that attracts him, that he values more than in anyone else. You yourself may not notice this “something” at all. But it exists, and therefore it is stupid to be jealous of the past.

3. Realize that your partner's past has had a direct impact on who he is as a person now. Perhaps some past relationship instilled in him wisdom, tolerance, and sensitivity. The mistakes he had ever made were in the past.

Jealousy is a strong feeling, and it will disappear on its own after a confidential conversation with friends, a trip to a psychologist... It takes time to completely eradicate jealousy. Fighting jealousy is fighting your demons. This is a fight for your own happy future.

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