The lack of feelings for a loving spouse sometimes torments more than the opposite situation... What to do with the problem “I don’t love my loving husband”? The site sympaty.net shares tips!
The question “I don’t love and don’t want a husband, what should I do about this marriage?”
In general, it began to be considered a problem only when people began to create marriages for love. The answer used to be very simple - endure and rejoice, because divorce promised many problems. But modern people may well get a divorce if there are no feelings left for their partner and such family life is burdensome.
Maybe we should leave everything as it is?
Let's face it - the situation when you feel that “I don’t love my husband anymore,” but at the same time you are still loved, is not the worst possible. There is no need to run headlong. Especially if there are circumstances that will significantly worsen your life in the event of a divorce - for example, small children who require a lot of attention, lack of your own home and/or income, etc.
But it is very important to listen carefully to yourself and answer the question - how painful and limited will life with an unloved husband seem to you?
There are women for whom passion in marriage is not at all a need, and for them living in such a “economic marriage”, moreover, not without the pleasure of being loved, is quite acceptable. Many of them admit that they never loved their husband, but at the same time they protect their families. If you, in principle, do not strive to be in love, and you are fine as is, then it’s okay, it’s quite possible to live, remaining in your comfort zone.
You may not plan to stay in this marriage for life, but, in the absence of significant discomfort, stay for some period - a couple of months, six months, a year. Perhaps disappeared feelings will arise, or, conversely, there will be arguments in favor of divorce. And this period can be used to resolve material problems that prevent you from leaving immediately.
Clinging to someone you don't love and regretting the past is not an option.
In general, if there are no warning signs or significant emotional discomfort, you can “allow yourself to be loved” and continue to live with your husband.
How to move on if you don’t love your husband. I don't love my husband anymore
Woman 21-27 years old. Higher legal education. Housewife. We live with my parents - mom, dad, me, husband and child. Two rooms. Closely. And another dog.
The problem is that I don’t love my husband, but I love my son very much and cannot deprive him of his own father. I am also financially dependent on him, because... the child is still small. And I psychologically depend on my mother. I always wonder what she will say and with great difficulty I can make an independent decision without consulting her. I am completely unhappy with my life today. And I don't know how to change everything. And I don’t know what needs to be changed—life or my attitude towards it. And I can’t imagine how I can live alone with a child and still work, because I don’t have any work experience.
Depressed state. I constantly think about the future. I'm afraid of the future. I'm worried about my outbursts at my husband in front of the child. The reluctance to have sex is troubling. Fatigue, monotony. Constant change of mood. I'm often sad. It seems that everything is not as I want or as I would like. But I don’t get high now, even when I drink a little.
I sleep with a small child. At night I breastfeed, the baby wakes up often. So I only dream about sleep. And the dreams are always bad. Today I swam in muddy water all night.
The appetite is always good. Extra ten kilos. I really like to eat, but I try to limit myself. There are no characteristic changes in weight or appetite. She loved to drink. But I’ve been breastfeeding for one year and three months, and before that, naturally, nine months of pregnancy. So no alcohol or drugs. And I haven't tried it. A long time ago at school, out of stupidity, I swallowed pills “for a high” - I don’t remember anything. That's all.
She’s very efficient, but she doesn’t have much time for homework. My concentration is worse; it doesn’t last long. I'm not complaining about memory. I simply understand and accept others as they are. I have no ill-wishers. I have never experienced orgasm with men. Only by masturbating. I don't want a husband at all. I experience sexual attraction to men, but mostly, when it comes to the main thing, the desire disappears. I love to kiss when a man knows how to do it, and in a kiss I get most excited. But I don’t want this at all with my husband - he doesn’t know how. And I don’t like constant sex with one. I love variety. I was always chubby and was embarrassed about it during contacts. But pregnancy and motherhood somehow freed me from this complex. Yes, and there is a feeling of excitement when I cook or clean something.
I am sociable, very touchy - I can’t forget insults. I constantly blush and it unsettles me.
My main achievement is my son. And failures mean a failed marriage.
I don't think I have any symptoms of a nervous disorder.
There was no stress.
Parents are unsuccessful businessmen. They opened a bakery and a grocery store. They were cool, young, cheerful, sociable. And this coolness was instilled in me. We collected loans. And we still can’t pay. My mother is constantly depressed (she has gained a lot of weight, although she has always been an athlete and a beauty), says that at some point she even wanted to jump from the balcony. Constant failures one after another. Poverty. We have a matriarchy in our family. Dad tries to support her, but they still fight often. It feels like they are getting old. They drink often. They do practically nothing. Obsessed with dogs. The eldest sister is thirty years old, two children, divorced, but lives with her common-law husband. He is four years younger than her, a mama's boy, they have been living together for quite a long time, but he hides from his parents that she has children. They live in her apartment. Mom has a twin sister, but they are completely different. She is married to a rich man for the second time, but he likes to “take a walk.” Even when my sister and I were little, he constantly pestered us. And now he has mistresses. Everyone knows about this. And Comrade Lyuda is tormenting herself because of this. He goes to psychics and is interested in all kinds of energy, etc. But he basically helps his parents financially enough. Although he could solve all the problems, he does not want to part with the money. Fears.
I have very good memories of my childhood, especially the time spent with my grandparents in Kostroma. But they are no longer there, and the apartment was sold. I was always in the presence of male attention. I’ll even say I was spoiled, but then I became friends with a beautiful girl (we are still friends) and basically all the attention was directed to her. Of course, it's not very pleasant.
During my student years I worked at the State Statistics Committee for several months, just stupidly typing on a computer for pennies. I had a fight with my boss. And I worked for six months as a bartender for friends. Washing the dishes myself was annoying. I quit. I have close friends, but I practically don’t communicate with some of them after pregnancy and marriage. They are all beautiful and successful. They earn themselves a lot. There were no hobbies as such. They just loved hanging out with drunk friends. Before her husband, she lived in a civil marriage. I didn't love him either. And my husband was Chuvash, lived in a dorm, worked as an expert policeman. Now he has transferred to the traffic police. He was penniless. I initially met his friend, because of whom I lost my head, constantly got drunk and called him, imposed myself, was, to put it mildly, “sent”, and my current husband was nearby. He worked three days later and spent all his free time with me. I had just finished my diploma, took out a car loan, I always had money, I was worried about my failed love, and he constantly said that he loved me. I introduced him to my mother, she really liked him. And when, after a while, I wanted to break up with him and told her about it, she got angry. I don’t remember very well what I said, but we didn’t break up. That's how it affects me.
There were no suicidal thoughts.
I don't take any medications.
The most important event in my life is the birth of my son and everything connected with it. These are the most powerful emotions that radically changed life and views on it.
Many couples experience a relationship crisis during the birth of their first (or next) child. When a child is born, the relationship between his parents often cools down for a while. This is due to the fact that caring for a little person requires a lot of strength and dedication from the mother. Against the background of fatigue, a woman develops a bad mood and irritability. As a result of frequent quarrels and lack of mutual understanding, spouses psychologically distance themselves from each other, and, as a result of all this, sexual desire naturally decreases.
It is especially acute in those families where relationships were not initially based on mutual love. But the crisis is not so bad. A crisis provides a chance to change relationships: spouses can change rules and agreements, decide whether to stay together or break up.
Judging by Leonhard's questionnaire, your character largely displays demonstrative traits (20 points). This psychotype has its strengths and weaknesses. His strengths are his emotionality, ease and ease of communication, especially in large groups. The demonstrative psychotype has several weaknesses: dependence on the opinions of people around him, difficulties in taking responsibility for his life, difficulties in creating close partnerships.
People of your psychotype suffer greatly from the fact that they constantly compare themselves with others who are more successful or beautiful. This is precisely the reason for unstable self-esteem and fear of having to overcome difficulties.
If there are obstacles in the way of your choice, you can learn to overcome them. The main thing is to never compare yourself with other people who are more successful (in your opinion), but to focus on your own efforts and achievements. With desire and the proper perseverance, you can learn to earn money, gain work experience and independence. This is not so simple, and will require a lot of effort from you, but with perseverance and stable self-esteem, all this can be achieved.
You write that you don’t know “what needs to be changed—life or your attitude towards it.” Only you can make a decision - to maintain a relationship with your unloved husband, to change something in your life or not. The main thing is to understand that you yourself are responsible for any choice you make. Neither your mother nor any other person close to you can decide how best to live.
Of course, you can listen to the advice of your mother or friend, but only you will have to bear responsibility for your life and for the consequences of your choice. The cognitive course will help you develop stable self-esteem, learn your strengths and weaknesses, understand yourself and make a balanced and thoughtful decision on how to further build your life.
Question for a psychologist:
I married for love, I wanted to love and be loved. But now I know that my husband is the first to leave me in a difficult situation. And I don't love him anymore.
I endured for a very long time and forgave a lot. His attitude towards me changed exactly at the moment when I said that I was pregnant. He realized that now I depend on him and I won’t go anywhere, no matter how disgustingly he behaves. I won’t go into details, but throughout the entire pregnancy and after the birth of the child I was alone, not only did he not help me, but he tried as best he could to finish me off. He didn’t say thank you for the child, didn’t give me flowers. But I thought that he just didn’t understand and I was bad at explaining how I felt. The last straw was when he hit me. He didn't apologize. With this blow, he completely killed my love for him.
He's not a bad person, just very selfish, other people's feelings don't mean anything to him. He also tried his best. He gave me gifts and sincerely did not understand what else I wanted. But I wanted attention, understanding, help, I didn’t think that I, pregnant at 9 months, would have to run through the mountains, and he would wonder - what’s wrong with this, everyone is running and nothing. Or a pregnant woman is struggling to carry heavy bags, and at this time he lies on the sofa and says: “It’s good for you, you’ll lose weight.”
Now I don’t want to live, I know that I have to for the sake of the child. I have complete apathy and indifference to what is happening. For years I fought for love, so much effort was put into it, and now it’s gone, only insane disappointment. Now I don’t make a scandal, I don’t try to explain something to him, he thinks I’ve calmed down, and I look at him with glassy eyes and think about how he has become indifferent to me and his words. Sometimes I hate him because my life ended at 32 years old. And, probably most importantly, I thought that our love with him would make me forget another person - my first love, but now I constantly think about that other person. It became paranoid.
I am in despair that I cannot change anything in my own life. That the circumstances have developed in such a way that my own life does not depend on me. I'm running in circles. I do what I have to do. Because my life doesn’t work out the way I want it to. Mad efforts and efforts led to nothing. All for nothing.
I am writing so that someone can look at my situation from the outside. Perhaps I’m too fixated and don’t understand or see something?
Psychologist Ekaterina Vadimovna Praskanova answers the question.
Hello, Oksana.
I immediately want to ask the question: “Why do you think that your life does not depend on you, does not turn out the way you want?”
You talk about how you fought, invested and achieved what you wanted - your loved one was nearby, you got married, gave birth to a child. Yes, in the end the result is not what was expected. But don’t forget, you have received a very valuable gift - your child.
The fact that you began to remember your past relationships more often (I’m willing to bet that there you were loved, appreciated, understood, cared for and cherished) is a normal human reaction. Now you feel bad, hard, hurt, and you compare this with the attitude when you felt good. And perhaps your feelings are not for a specific person, but longing for that particular relationship with yourself.
Is your “dependence” on your husband purely financial or are there other aspects? If it’s a matter of finances, then the issue is resolved: the child will go to kindergarten and there will be an opportunity to go to work.
Oksan, the fact is that you did not indicate the main thing - what exactly do you want? Learn to live in this marriage again? Change your husband/yourself? Divorce? Start life from scratch?
Of course, this situation has unsettled you, but this is just a situation, just a stage, a task that needs to be solved. This is not the end of the world, not the end of life. There is no need to forget this.
I would recommend that you visit a psychologist for an in-person consultation. This will greatly help you understand the situation, understand yourself, and set priorities. Or maybe visit a family psychologist with your husband. It all depends on the desired result. Because advice in correspondence in a “question-answer” format is not entirely appropriate in your situation. The question is quite serious.
anonymously
Hello! I don't love my husband. We even separated. I was the initiator. I just can’t live with someone I don’t love. And there is no beloved man either. I understand that I myself am to blame for this situation. We met, everything was smooth. No passion, no special love. When I turned 25, I really wanted a child. Why not from him? Everything is clean, normal parents, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t party. An excellent man for procreation, roughly speaking, good data. I asked for a child. I got pregnant right away. And I myself did not expect how much I would want a child to be born in marriage. We got married. Despite all his care, and he cares a lot about me, constantly regrets, although I don’t demand it, he understands everything and doesn’t quarrel with me, doesn’t scream, doesn’t do ANYTHING bad, I couldn’t love him. The child was born, I immediately asked for a divorce. He cried... but what about the child? I felt very sorry for him. Then they again tried to live together somehow, again and again the topic of divorce. We are no longer even afraid of these topics, I don’t even cry. I don't care. In the fall, we finally separated. He said that he would take the child, it was scary. But he came to his senses, he is generally very smart, fair, good, damn it, and left him to me without any bickering. His parents are already old, they are very sick, they were immediately seized, one has a heart, the other has a head. I feel like I'm putting them in a coffin. I did not want. I applied and 2 weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. Oh, that was what. Tears all over. But I left the child. I will give birth, soon. My parents were for divorce with all their hands. They don't like him. Come to me, have an abortion, why do you need it? How will you feed... I couldn’t. I quarreled with my parents. We don't even talk on the phone. And then I decided that it would be better for me to put up with my husband, but to bear this child without psychotic stress, and still with help, because the first baby is still small. And now I don't know what to do. The son already knows the words dad, mom, walks with him by the hand... She loves him, waits for him. How can I separate them? But I don't love him, I DON'T WANT to live with him. I hate him in the mornings, in the evenings, all his habits. We are completely different, and I talked to him and told him what he had to change about himself so that I would love him. But how can you cheat a person at 40 years old? Yes, he's 40. Who cares. I can not do it anymore. I didn't want it to turn out like this. How did things get so messed up? If you sacrifice yourself and drag it all out for the sake of your children... then this thought makes me not want to live. Then let him stay with the children himself, and I’ll just go into nowhere. I can’t leave them, sharing them is unbearable. Why did all this happen? I’m not even afraid to raise them alone, as long as everything is resolved without pain for the children. You can't go back and fix it. His parents constantly ask how we live, warning us that they won’t be able to stand it and will die next time. They put pressure on your conscience. But I'm not human, or what? Don't I have the right to happiness? I just want to love the man with whom I live, go to bed, and wake up. Although I adore my children and find happiness in them. And with him we are just roommates now, we walk around the apartment, we don’t kiss, we don’t hug, like neighbors in a communal apartment. I have already forgotten what it is... I’m young, beautiful, and I’m sucked into this funnel... I don’t see a way out. I feel so bad.
And loving a man means what to feel for a man? What do you want to do with him? What do you want to do for him - how to communicate with him - how to spend time together? write to me about your ideas - beloved man. And was there such a man in your life - the man you loved? And how did he treat you - did he love you, did you feel reciprocity? And further. You have every right to decide for yourself as you want. This is your life, and you decide how and with whom to live it. And if you now decide to drive away your husband and raise your children yourself, you have all your rights to do so. But before you drive away someone who loves you and is the father of your children, it would be good to figure out why—for what dream or hope—you are doing this. Who do you want to meet and how do you want to live your life without this particular husband of yours.
When should you get a divorce, despite the fact that your husband loves you?
...Or says he loves...
Because love does not always mean care and adequate treatment. Abusers and manipulators of all stripes, alcoholics and drug addicts, lazy people and gigolos, “everyday disabled people” and aggressors - all of them often sincerely love the wives whose lives they make miserable. And even when a woman feels bad and stops feeling love for such a spouse, the marriage is often preserved with all her might, because “but he loves me!”
Free your life and your desires for something new
Therefore, assurances of love from a partner should not remain an argument for maintaining this relationship when, de facto, you feel bad.
If your husband loves you but offends you, leave, his emotions will not fix anything, and may even make the situation worse.
Even if there is no obvious psychological/physical abuse and/or exploitation, if you stopped loving your husband because of a poorly articulated feeling that something went wrong, then something really went wrong. And that means this person is not right for you - even if for some time it didn’t seem so to you. Don’t force yourself to “tolerate and fall in love”: this will not lead to anything good!
