Husband, it's time to stop playing computer games
A situation that is familiar to many: the husband comes home after work and plays computer games until late. On weekends it’s the same. I was faced with the problem that, of course, it is possible to ban it. But you don’t need to fight AGAINST, you need to fight FOR! And then the problem becomes even more interesting: what to offer instead of games? In addition, I understand the man very much: sometimes I also want to surf the Internet and relax, flipping through the pages in contact. But I, like any woman, have a lot to do at home, and men often have nothing to do at home.
I sat down and wrote this letter to my husband.
Dear, good, I love you! You are caring, you are gentle, you are hard-working, thanks to you I can be at home with the children. And our son loves you very much. Thank you my love!
But I want to complain about you very seriously: I’m talking about computer games.
You are tired, I see it, I know it, and I understand you perfectly: you want to be alone, you want to switch off. I won’t deny that your games are decent, I myself want to get into your game when I pass by you. It's like that. But this is still not the point.
First, this is still not a vacation. Sitting and looking at the screen does not make you more cheerful, you come out from under the computer, your eyes are glassy, and you hardly react to me anymore. It's a shame, right? And I need you, a vigorous man, and for many more years. If I give you away to computer games, I will lose you. Will not give it back!
Second: we have children. For Vovka specifically, you are an authority, he models from you what a man should be. If he draws that a man at home should not see anyone, sit with his back to everyone, hunched over, get angry at everyone and drive them away from his computer - listen, should we have given birth to him then? Do we want to teach him that he should rest like this? That children need to be loved with your back to them?
Listen, the children need you. Mashunya wants to play with you and show you how she draws, the children want to talk to you, and Vovka needs help with her homework - we don’t need a dunce and a slacker son, do we? And if Vovka, like you, becomes addicted to computer games (and he will simply become addicted with your help) - do we need this?
In short, it's time to call it quits.
I propose: to organize a family council on this topic, consisting of you and me. Agenda: how to save our husband. My suggestions: 1) No games in front of children. It’s as simple as that: you tell Vovka yourself that this is not a man’s business, and in his presence you will erase all the games from your computer. 2) After dinner you study with the children. An hour or half an hour, lessons or sports, whatever you want - but the children need you. 3) I know that even without games you have a lot of things to do on your computer. That's why you make love to the computer when I put the kids to bed, and when I put the kids to bed, you make love to me. Well, or we go for a walk for at least half an hour. How do you like this proposal?
And I solemnly promise you that with your arrival, I will also not sit on the computer and will behave like a loving and decent wife. I will be affectionate and obedient.
Here. My wise and most beloved husband in the world, I, your imperfect wife, came up with this idea. You, of course, will come up with everything much better and tell me how to do it right, but for this we need to talk. When will you and I have a family council?
What to do if he constantly plays
What to do, how to wean your man from constant vigil at the computer and finally force him to pay attention to himself?
After all, at first we think that MCH will play enough and everything will be as before. And in vain: the moment is missed - the man continues to immerse himself in the virtual world, which takes up more and more time in his head, and as a result, the virtual becomes more important to him than his own family. And only after that does it dawn on us: that’s it, we’ve arrived, we need to do something.
The first attempt to reason with the addict: a serious conversation. The emphasis is on lack of attention, children (if any) have lost their dad, friends are bored. This measure has a temporary effect: during a conversation, the man will move away from the computer. He will listen and even experience something similar to remorse. But after a couple of hours he is lost to society again - the computer won’t let go so easily.
Take two. An unsuccessful first attempt to reason with the player leads to a second - again a conversation and again a serious one. Then scandals with tears. The effect is zero. Some people resign themselves, admitting their defeat in the battle with a computer drug, others pack their things and say “adios.” But there is a third way that requires patience - try to overcome the addiction of your beloved man.
First and foremost: you need to start with yourself. Suddenly? However, there is every reason for this. Most likely, the gamer is dissatisfied with his life, including his personal life, which prompted him to delve into the jungle of computers and get stuck in them for an indefinite period.
You need to remember yourself - the one you were before the development of gambling addiction. The discovery can be discouraging: who you were before and who you are now are “two big differences.” Moreover, the current state of affairs will most likely be sadder. This means that you need to remember your former self - become calmer, more attentive, more relaxed. You need to flirt with your husband, joke, smile at him more often - he will definitely notice the changes that have occurred.
We need to give our husband new pleasant sensations, lacking which he went virtual. Erotic massage, role play, using sex toys - in general, everything that you two have never tried before.
Start going out together again - after all, live communication, a change in psychological tone give a person much more than vigil and a computer, which is a pitiful surrogate of “live”, real emotions.
There are many options for returning your husband to real life. And all of them are aimed at making him experience strong emotions, in comparison with which action-adventure shooters will seem to him a worthless waste of life. The main thing is the patience of a wise and caring spouse, which is the key to a happy return to reality.
Hello! Recently I began to notice that my husband spends all his time at the computer, playing various games. At first I thought it was good that it wasn’t for money, but now it’s simply unbearable. He has a flexible work schedule (work is related to computers). In the evening, when he comes home, he immediately sits down to play, wakes up in the morning and plays while he has free time. When he rides the subway, he plays on his phone. We have already argued about this topic several times. But he doesn't seem to care. I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but I also don’t have the strength to endure. Please tell me how to behave in this situation.
Hello Julia! Often games can act as a family symptom, which indicates possible disturbances in building relationships between family members and closed communication connections - i.e. it is necessary to analyze family relationships in order to identify how you, in particular, contribute to the development and maintenance of this attachment (or already dependence) - to reconsider the distribution of roles and responsibilities (often with such problems, the woman takes on most of the responsibility and the husband is freed from performing any responsibilities - and thus his dependence is formed and maintained - why should he strain if his wife will do everything anyway?) - it is also important to understand what style of relationship between you - in order to find behavioral stereotypes that lead to this behavior and, accordingly change them - so that a man feels responsible for both his family and his life (in particular his own), and to redirect this energy to other activities - for example, computer games give him something (i.e. satisfy some his needs), but in its essence it is this option that destroys both the relationship and the personality of the husband - then, accordingly, the whole family can together find other options for satisfying his needs (possibly in rest, relaxation, stress relief, etc.) and be together with You - search for common hobbies, hobbies (hobbies, interests) ...
This kind of problem also indicates the immaturity of the man himself (infantility), which is also supported by you - after all, relationships are the contribution of both partners, and if he goes away from everything into the computer and shows his childish position, then accordingly this is supported on your part or chosen The strategy does NOT bring results! those. he occupies exactly the “children’s position” - and here it is necessary to reconsider the distribution of roles in the family!
In general, you can sort this situation out and find a way out - Yulia, if you really decide to understand what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be only too happy to help you!
Good answer 2 Bad answer 2
Yulia, you and your husband “have already argued
about this theme".
Have you tried to talk
?
And at the same time hear and be heard. You tell him about your worries, about grievances, ask about what he experiences when he plays (by the way, do you know the theme of games?), what he doesn’t want to do (what he plays instead), dream about the future (specifically about tomorrow, about in a month, in 5 years, about children, about work...) and generally about you. Without hysterics, without condemnation, without intentions to correct him. Good answer 0 Bad answer 1
Hello, Yulia! The husband goes into the game because of something unbearable or unpleasant. This is the desire to forget and be distracted. Scandals and abuse cannot overcome him. You can only overcome it with something positive, more interesting than a game. This can only be done if it has not yet been very long, that is, the dependence has not yet fully formed. You write that at first you were even satisfied with this hobby of his. This means that the cooling towards each other was mutual. In this case, you need to think about your side of the relationship. About Me. What do you need? Do you have love, feelings that can be a driving force to try to improve the relationship. And is there a desire to fix them? Here you will have to admit your guilt, and not just his. And you can’t count on quick success. In any case, you need to start with yourself. Deal with your feelings and problems. What went wrong in your life? What do you want now? You can try to answer these questions for yourself and in detail. However, for more effective help, you need to contact a psychologist. If such a need arises, please call. I will be glad to help you.
Good answer 0 Bad answer 2
Hello Julia.
For me, what you describe is primarily a signal that something has gone wrong between you and your husband. And it's not just about games. Games can be both a cause and a consequence.
It’s worth figuring it out in a good way during couples counseling if your husband also sees the problem and is ready to solve it. If not, come yourself. After all, even your change of view on the situation can help. Relationships are created by both partners, and if you find a way to change your part of the contribution to them, then your husband will gradually begin to change.
If such work is important to you, I will be glad to help. Sincerely,
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Every third person, young and old, is susceptible to computer addiction in our world. This is the true scourge of our time, from which both teenagers suffer in their free time from school, and office employees who “wile away” the working day playing “tanks” and all kinds of “shooters”. General computerization has completely overwhelmed the representatives of the stronger sex.
How to deal with your boyfriend's addiction to online games
Computers, the Internet, mobile phones - all this entered our lives not so long ago, but has managed to subjugate millions of people who can no longer imagine their lives without gadgets and constant online presence. Internet addiction is rapidly enslaving the minds of people, without stopping there. And the two most important Internet troubles that cause real addiction are social networks and computer games.
What’s interesting: computer games most often cause addiction in men. Many gamers are actually subjugated to virtual reality, which replaces the joys of live communication.
Naturally, this negatively affects relationships with others and the beloved.
Computer game addiction test
To begin with, we suggest taking a short test to find out whether your loved one is really a gambling addict and needs to be saved.
1. Does your husband play games every day? 2. Does he spend more than 5 hours a day playing computer games? 3. During the game, does he actively express emotions (anger, joy, euphoria) and gesture? 4. Does he put off work meetings, get-togethers with friends, or personal matters for the sake of playing? 5. Does any of your relatives have an addiction to smoking, drugs, or the Internet?
If you answered "yes" to only one or two questions, then you may have nothing to worry about and it's too early to sound the alarm. If you answered yes to all the questions, then your spouse really has a serious deviation and needs help.
Man and computer games. Should they be separated?
Computer games are a problem that for some has even become a reason for divorce...
Unfortunately, there are no official statistics yet on the number of couples who have broken up due to addiction to games (apparently due to the fact that the statement itself contains only vague wording). However, according to the American Academy of Lawyers, over the past 30 years the computer has become a major threat to family relationships and is now second only to financial disagreements as a cause of constant conflict.
An unofficial survey of Russian women also speaks about the problem. 15 percent of those who in the registry office referred to their husband’s unreasonable behavior admitted that it was their husband’s love for computer games that was “unreasonable.”
However, the fact that computer games really bother the “weaker half” is clearly visible on women’s forums (“My husband spends all his free time at the computer. What should I do?”). And also in the emergence of separate groups on social networks (like “Wives against World of Tanks?”) and in the spread of such a term as “computer widow”.
Let's try to figure out together how dangerous computer games are, how to wean a man off them, and whether it's worth doing it at all...
Primal Instincts
A woman who, in principle, is not averse to immersing herself in some kind of game in her free time, is still hard to understand: what does a man find so fascinating in an ordinary “shooter” that he cannot tear himself away from the monitor for hours.
It’s hard to understand, because a woman experiences less pleasure from such a pastime.
Dr. Allen Reiss
Dr. Allen Reiss of Stanford School of Medicine conducted one scientific study. 22 people took part in it (11 men and 11 women). They played a specially designed game, the rules of which required them to capture as much territory as possible, while scientists “scanned” their brains.
It turned out that men
The area of the brain responsible for the feeling of satisfaction and addiction is activated much more strongly during the game, and its activity increases more and more with the amount of territory captured.
Among women
However, such a dependence was not revealed, while their pleasure center generally “ignited” twice as slowly.
Allen Reiss explained this feature from an evolutionary point of view.
The nervous system of men who have hunted, fought and taken for thousands of years makes them feel joy precisely from the fact of victory over the enemy and the conquest of someone else's territory. Therefore, they are more likely to get hooked on computer games. Here their primal instincts are realized, which, in turn, gives them a feeling of euphoria.
What do psychologists say?
Here opinions are not clear.
On the one side
, computer games are seen as a way to escape reality (due to dissatisfaction with life and unfulfilled ambitions).
However, on the other hand
- spending time near the computer can be just a hobby: the same as football, reading books, playing sports, fishing, skydiving, etc.
By playing computer games, a man, firstly, gets pleasure (we talked about it in the previous paragraph), and secondly, relieves stress and relieves the negativity accumulated during the day.
After all, representatives of the stronger sex, unlike women, cannot afford heart-rending conversations and crying into their vests. But they still need to find some way out for their emotions!..
Are there no benefits to computer games?
It turns out there is. And not alone. Scientists from the Singapore Technological University Michael Donald Patterson and Adam Chi-Ming Oi conducted an interesting experiment.
They “forced” five volunteers, who had not previously been known to be addicted to video games, to sit down at the computer every day and complete levels in Angry Birds, The Sims, Battlefield 3, Hidden Expedition, etc.
Adam Chi-Ming Oh and Michael Donald Patterson Photo: sciencedaily.com
A month later, scientists tested their “experimental subjects” for cognitive functions of the brain. It turned out that they all began to remember information better, concentrate, think tactically and strategically, and make quick, correct decisions.
Another experiment surprised Dutch scientists who studied the effect of computer games on human performance.
For several weeks, some of the employees of one large company had to spend at least an hour of their time every day playing solitaire, etc., while others had to work hard.
As a result, it turned out that the former, oddly enough, managed to get more done during the working day and were less tired, while they felt much happier and had a more positive attitude towards their job responsibilities
.
By the way, their findings were confirmed by scientists from the University of Montreal. McGill. Volunteers had to play simple computer games for a few minutes each time before starting work.
As it turned out, thanks to this activity, their bodies produced 17 percent less cortisol (the stress hormone)
than those who immediately started working.
And that's not it. Professor Jason Aller from the University of North Carolina, after observing 140 older people, found that those who occasionally indulged in computer games felt happier and even healthier. Because in this way they awaken the inner child within themselves.
On the left in the photo is Jason Aller.
Of course, we can talk about all these advantages of games only in those cases if a person spends only a few hours of his free time near the monitor and his hobby has not developed into a computer addiction.
Addiction. When should you sound the alarm?
Yes, the addiction to computer games should not be underestimated. What for one may simply be one of the ways to gain pleasure and deal with stress, for another it replaces all other areas of life and results in pathological attachment.
How to determine it? There are several signs:
+ obsessive desire to check game updates;
+ constant increase in time spent at the computer;
+ constant increase in cash costs for paid games and additions to them;
+ the mood from games significantly improves and sharply deteriorates when they are unavailable;
+ nothing can distract a person from a computer game;
+ manifestation of aggression towards distracting factors;
+ neglect of all important matters in favor of games;
+ complete refusal to communicate with real friends, replacing them with virtual companions;
+ neglect of one’s own health, hygiene and other personal factors in favor of the same entertainment;
+ problems with sleep and changes in daily routine;
+ carpal tunnel syndrome (tunnel damage to the nerve trunks of the hand in the wrist area, associated with prolonged muscle strain);
+ dry eyes;
+ migraine-type headaches.
As for the time spent playing a computer game, experts disagree.
Some people say that it's already six o'clock - that's a reason to start worrying. And some believe that addiction is defined if a person devotes himself to a game for 12 hours or more.
What to do?
First of all, determine what exactly is behind the passion for computer games. Addiction or just a desire to brighten up your leisure time?
If there are suspicions that computer games have already developed into a pathological addiction, then you need to seek advice from a specialist (for example, at the Republican Scientific and Practical Center for Mental Health). Because a woman will never be able to cope with anything alone, and all her exhortations, requests, and screams will only aggravate the situation. They will force a man to immerse himself even more in the virtual world.
In other situations, you need to ask yourself:
“What exactly irritates me? Is it the computer games themselves or the fact that my husband doesn’t devote his free time to me?”
Because women generally react very sharply to any male hobbies, be it games, fishing, meeting with friends, etc. After all, in the female picture of the world, family and relationships come first. She wants the man to pay attention only to her, and if this does not happen, it seems to her that everything is over - love has passed, he is bored with her, etc.
Although the man himself, according to his psychology, is aimed at “conquering the world”
and realizing your abilities. One of the options for such behavior could be computer games.
So, maybe if a man works, earns money, doesn’t refuse to do housework, and you (albeit not as often as you would like) spend time together, you should stop quarreling with him over his hobby and just leave him alone? ..
Do not agree? Do you feel like you should be together more often? And that a man does not fulfill all his duties around the house?
Then try telling him about it. Just not in the form of accusations, lectures, screams, etc. Instead of complaining “You don’t pay attention to me/don’t take care of the children/don’t help around the house,” clarify what exactly he should do.
After all, men do not understand such vague formulations
— they need specific tasks.
For example, “please put the children to bed”, “please wash the dishes”, “please clean the sink”, “I really want to go to the cinema with you”, etc. Moreover, you should not repeat your requests several times within five minutes - let the man have time to think and “morally prepare.”
To spend more time with your husband, you can use this trick. Transfer the game from virtual to real space.
Alternatively, give him points for each specific action (massage - two points, dinner - five, a joint evening walk - three...), subtract for what was not completed and determine what reward awaits him if he scores, for example, 50 points.
The prize depends entirely on your imagination. As, indeed, the type of game itself.
And further. The time that a man devotes to the computer, you can devote entirely to yourself: to your hobbies, meeting with friends, taking care of yourself, etc.
And when you once again worry about the fact that a man, from your point of view, is spending his leisure time incorrectly, think: are games much different from Internet surfing, communicating on forums and social networks?..
VELVET
