Trust cannot be verified! Where will you put the comma?
On the one hand, constant phone checks show a complete lack of trust, but on the other hand, it can take off the rose-colored glasses from a wife who is confident in her faithful husband; the only question is whether the woman herself needs it!
Women's positions on this matter diverge greatly ; there are two completely opposite camps, where the first is convinced that all men cheat and this is their nature, and live by the principle “The less you know, the better you sleep.” And the second camp of women is convinced that cheating is unacceptable, and they do not intend to become cuckolds, live with gay men and do nothing, and become like the women from the first camp, promoting the theory, convenient for men, that absolutely everyone cheats...
The search for a male perspective on this issue prompted us to read an article by Igor Chersky , a journalist with good experience who devoted a lot of time to studying the problems of gender relations. The journalist writes that we are ready to forgive ourselves much more than others, and this, in our opinion, applies not only to men...
“In connection with such a personal code of honor, even if men once cheated on their beloved, this is not a crime,” the journalist writes, “But if she got into our phone or email and found out about it, that’s already a serious crime.” sin, mortal resentment and a reason to yell “You yourself ruined everything!” And it's hard to argue with that! After all, before that everything was quiet, no one knew anything, and it turns out that she really ruined everything, and for herself too. And to summarize the male view of this situation, it would be ideal advice for ladies, with which every man will probably agree (not without exceptions, of course): “Be grateful to your husband who protects you from unpleasant news. Even if he cheats, he carries this tragedy deep within himself so as not to darken your happy life. So that children do not become orphans and all that. And note: he does not delve into your mail and phone to find out unpleasant things for himself.”
The author calls this the tragedy of men , well... well, everything is possible in the subtle mental organization of this beautiful stronger sex! But, in fairness, we note that in order for the children “not to remain orphans and all that,” before going to another or another, you must think about whether I’m ready to exchange family happiness for this for those very beloved children, and this , of course, also applies to women... of course, if the matter is not a one-time affair, but sincere feelings on the side, the issue should be considered much deeper...
As a rule, , who allow their faithful to carry this tragedy within themselves, agrees with the above-mentioned male position towards checks
Now let's consider the female view of the second camp on the question: why is it important to know?! To do this, we list the main women's fears of ignorance :
- You may not know, but meanwhile the affair develops into falling in love, and there is a risk of living with two families, and you missed the chance to suppress all this at the initial stage.
- You may not know, but he decided to leave for someone else, acting meanly towards you, without taking care of your interests after the divorce (and possibly the interests of the children).
- You may not know, but she sleeps in your family bed while you work for your family.
- You may not know, but everyone around you already knows. You praise your husband and share sincere stories about a happy family life, and people look at each other, not understanding whether to feel sorry for you or laugh.
- You may not know and end up with health problems while, feigning innocence, a man accuses you of possible infidelity.
All of the above fears can be turned into reality at once, of course, only by a truly terrible man, and in cases of more or less correct choice of a partner for mutual love, this is impossible... But, in any case, these fears have a place to be, since such actions are difficult be ready.
The main, real reasons for the need to secretly check a man’s correspondence are jealousy, self-doubt and mistrust that appeared in connection with noticed infidelity or excessive flirting with someone other than you. Of course, you need to work with the reasons, but here, as they say, there are two sides to the coin.
If a woman has no obvious reasons for jealousy, but she stubbornly looks for evidence of imaginary betrayal, invading the personal space of her partner, most often this indicates her low self-esteem, and here, of course, it is necessary to work with the cause and raise that same self-esteem, take care their own improvement, development, and even just striving for an ideal physical form, BUT, if you take into account the fact that men are built this way (as women from the first camp believe), then nothing stops them from “squeezing” your ideal figure, and at the same time a couple of others (perhaps not even so ideal, but others).
In cases where a partner has already been noticed in infidelity , of course, it is not enough to work only on yourself; it is important that your man tries in every possible way to regain trust in him. After all, trusting only because it SHOULD be so is not at all correct. Everyone wants to trust their loved one sincerely, because they are sure that he will not betray.
So, there are many arguments for and against the issue of checks. But having examined this issue from different angles, we come to the conclusion that it is important to realize and accept that every person has the right to personal space, including your man. With pathological jealousy and checking, you are in absentia tuned to the negative, and you risk misinterpreting even innocent things found in your husband’s correspondence. And the showdown that follows will not only complicate your relationship with your partner, but will also put you in a stupid position when the situation becomes clearer.
Important! Checking is more or less justified only when you are almost sure that you are being cheated on and want to make sure of it, and of course, you must be prepared to bear responsibility for what you see there, whatever the truth.
But in fact, jealousy in moderation is even beneficial ! But EXCLUSIVELY in moderation... It revives relationships and even brings a certain zest to them, because unloved people are not jealous of each other!
Stays on the phone all the time: When to sound the alarm
Gadgets have literally taken over our lives. And it’s good when they allow you to work better, resolve issues faster, and stay in touch with your family. But what to do when a person is immersed in a smartphone, iPhone, laptop, even in his free time, in the evenings or on weekends, for no reason? Is this a pathology? And is it normal when a group of friends or lovers, during rare meetings in person, sit next to each other and, buried in gadgets, scroll through their Facebook or Instagram feed, instead of enjoying live communication and touching each other? For answers to these difficult questions, the zakon.kz correspondent turned to a specialist, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor Marat Asimov.
— If a person is constantly on the phone, and he is more interested in the virtual world than reality, can this be called a disease, an addiction that needs to be treated, like drug addiction, for example?
— We, specialists (psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychologists) talk about addiction when a hobby leads one person to three problems at the same time - physical, mental and psychological maladjustment.
For example, when using gadgets there may be: a violation of social adaptation - a telephone, a computer interferes with studying at school, university, and worsens social interaction. We can talk about serious physical dependence on gadgets if they cause physical reactions. That is, if a person has not played a game or looked at social networks, his mood and appetite are disturbed, or after using (or not using) gadgets the person cannot sleep. The third factor is psychological dependence, when a person relieves stress and anxiety by watching social networks or videos. If you have all this at the same time, it’s time to seek help from specialists.
If a person is socially adapted and does not suffer from this mentally, then there is no addiction. But at the same time, there may be other moments because of which a person often picks up the phone.
- For example?
— Each of us has a certain amount of anxiety and excitement; these are natural physiologically determined mental states. The frequency of “going to the phone” depends on how well we can cope and cope with these natural feelings. This can manifest itself in communication in couples, with friends, in family, at work, everywhere. If a person, at one time or another during communication or interaction with another person or a group of people, tries to avoid a problematic situation (because he cannot cope with anxiety or another feeling), then he “goes to the phone.” This is one of the means of psychological defense. A frequent manifestation of psychological protection from unpleasant moments during communication is “escape, withdrawal” - a person goes to smoke, starts eating or goes to the toilet at the most tense moments of communication, unable to cope with feelings. Nowadays, modern man has acquired a new form of psychological defense to avoid anxious states - going to the phone.
— What if a couple, say, or a company is doing well with mutual understanding, but someone still likes to “go on the phone”?
Often, during communication, we (again, not coping with our feelings) are afraid or unconsciously distance ourselves from the interlocutor, do not become emotionally involved in his statements, and leave, run away, close ourselves off, just at this time we grab the phone. Anyone can follow this if they wish, if they sincerely want to understand this mechanism. In our time of information or digital technologies, we must learn to combine real communication with virtual communication, and develop a culture of using gadgets.
And here everything depends on how adequately the partners know how to use gadgets together and the information obtained from them.
That is, both those who use the phone at this time and those who are forced to wait while someone is using the phone while in a company should learn to find a balance between the phone and reality.
And there are already approved forms of behavior at conferences or other forums, when everyone automatically switches their phones to silent mode.
Nowadays new technologies rule the world. 5G is being actively introduced. And the new philosophy of communication, the philosophy of new technologies requires us to be able to quickly communicate with different people at the same time on different topics, to engage in different situations - this is our reality. We need a new psychology of communication, when our psyche, our feelings are actively involved, “do not slow down”, help in communication, and personal problems (grievances, lack of confidence) do not force us to react painfully when our interlocutor is forced to switch to the phone. At the same time, self-control (a new psychological form or technology that teaches how to cope with the psyche) allows you to be fully involved in the conversation and not “run away” to the phone when communicating.
As you know, there is an aggressive introduction of information technology into our lives. We must be able to adapt in order to gain maximum benefit. And in our real life, it is not surprising that all family members, being at home, seem to be together, but at the same time separately, since everyone is still busy with their mobile phone, communicate. And here it is very important to see and understand: if I am together and apart at the same time, but at the same time adapted to society and the people around me, then I am healthy in every sense.
— What does a healthy, normal “me together and apart” look like?
- I'll give you an example. I sit at the computer or on the phone at home, but I don’t disconnect from general discussions, I understand how important and significant they are, I accept them and react. This is an important indicator.
Being there, in virtual reality, I simultaneously know what my son, my wife, my parents are doing, I hear and understand what they are saying and turning to me. I turn on at any moment and can react to what they tell me. And at the same time, my loved ones can behave the same way. This is the culture of modern communication, self-control behavior.
Also, a group of friends sits together, while everyone is still looking at their phone, continuing to communicate with each other, sharing information. Although everyone is buried in their phone, this company, sitting together, still remains one company. They can discuss common issues, including those they just saw on their phones, and share photos and videos. This is natural in our time, the time of information technology.
— And yet, you yourself said that if a person is really addicted to gadgets, he has all 3 problems indicating addiction, then is it possible to help the person return to the real world?
— Psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists deal with addictions. At the initial stage, if you or your family and friends feel dependent on gadgets, you need to contact psychologists. But if dependence on gadgets causes insomnia, irritability, depression, short temper, even physical conditions (as in gambling addiction, if a person does not play, he may have a stomach ache or aching legs), then the psychologist will definitely refer you to a psychiatrist in case of real If necessary, the doctor initiates drug therapy.
Addictions are treated with great difficulty; according to scientific data, complete recovery from addiction is observed in only 3% of patients. But it is possible and necessary to alleviate addiction by actively working with specialists - psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists.
Albert Akhmetov
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The main reasons provoking this behavior
It was mentioned above that the reasons why a partner wants to control your phone can be different. Let's look at the main ones.
Low self-esteem
The spouse (beloved) may not be sure of his uniqueness and significance . Therefore, he has thoughts that his life partner deserves better. Perhaps among his acquaintances there are people who, in his opinion, are superior to him in some way.
This can influence the spouse's opinion of himself, and he considers himself a failure. At the same time, he loves his wife and does not want to lose her. Therefore, the husband decides to check whether his fears are true. To do this, he secretly looks at his wife’s messages.
On the verge of infidelity
The husband feels anxious; he cannot shake the feeling that the marriage is under threat. Such feelings may arise due to his own infidelity . Perhaps something undermines the confidence that the husband will remain faithful. Or he has already cheated on his wife. The lack of a sense of the inviolability of the relationship, the premonition of a collapse of trust, may be the reason for a frantic reading of the wife’s correspondence.
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Mistrust
Parents often check their children's mobile devices . This gives them the opportunity to understand how their children live, how to guide them and stop them in time if they are heading in the wrong direction. Young children cannot be trusted to decide for themselves what to watch, read, or communicate with. A spouse may have this feeling of mistrust. He believes that his wife is trying to have an affair or may not notice how a business relationship will develop into a personal one.
A loving person trusts his loved ones . But if the husband is not confident in his wife, he begins to check her phone for dangerous signals.
Checking your phone as manipulation
A situation that should raise concerns is when a partner insists on checking your phone or demands a password for a page on a social network, while not allowing you to be left alone with his gadgets. This may indicate that they are trying to control you. There is no need to succumb to manipulation: let them know that you consider this unacceptable, and insist on your own.
You shouldn't insist on checking your other half's phone number . If you have suspicions, it is advisable to discuss them directly rather than search for clues and evidence. In couples where there is trust, people usually do not mind their partner sometimes using their gadgets. After all, they simply have nothing to hide!
Needs attention
Perhaps the wife devotes little time to her significant other . Work, household chores and children completely occupy her. The husband may feel left out. He is emotionally attached to his wife, he just needs communication.
To find out about his wife's life, the husband begins to look through the contents of her phone . In this case, the wife should think about: how much time does she spend on everyday affairs and how much time does she spend on her own husband? Regular and open communication is the key to a happy marriage.
Not ready for a serious relationship
Any problems, questions or doubts that arise must be discussed . If a partner prefers to satisfy his worries in secret ways, this indicates his immaturity. There is nothing wrong with asking a certain question to a loved one.
This will indicate that the man is interested in the life of the woman he loves and he wants to maintain the relationship. But the inability to ask about something important shows that the partner is not ready for a serious relationship.
Can't set boundaries
Every person has the right to certain personal boundaries . Even such simple things as your own locker, shelf, notebook and mobile device. When someone violates personal space, it destroys the feeling of comfort and self-confidence. An individual person is the whole world. When the husband does not understand that such boundaries exist, he will try to cross them. In this case, the woman needs to be explained that complete control will not save the relationship, but will only escalate the situation.
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