Men, by nature, are polygamous, so they cannot always resist a beautiful, well-groomed and charming lady. Cheating is not the end of a family relationship, but a difficult period that spouses must endure together. Some women are ready to put up with the idea that their husbands sometimes cheat on them, while others, upon learning about the betrayal, immediately file for divorce.
Before starting to sort things out, a woman must calm down and understand herself. Perhaps there is no betrayal and all her thoughts are based on a background of jealousy.
Why does my husband refuse to discuss his infidelity?
After the betrayal, your husband decided that he wanted to be with you. You are ready to forgive him, you have accepted him back.
But it hurts you! And you want to talk about it. With him, with the culprit of everything. You want to see that he realizes what kind of wound he caused you. What did you go through because of him? And what are you going through now for his sake?
And he doesn’t want to talk about it. He reacts sharply: “We ’ve already discussed everything. What do you want to hear?
Of course, you are scared that he might leave again.
What makes him behave this way?
Why doesn't he want to discuss what happened?
You are disappointed in your husband. Now you know that he can lie, and masterfully. If earlier you thought that you would recognize a lie, now every word, every look arouses suspicion. It seems to you that he is cunning, like a spy, and insensitive, like a surgeon. But this is not true.
Yes, I have met super conniving, hypocritical men with a complete lack of shame and morality. In my statistics there are 1 in 30 people. Therefore, most likely your husband is an ordinary person. He also has a soul, feelings that obey generally accepted morality.
Men, in principle, process everything differently. Not because they are insensitive blockheads, but because in our culture it is generally not customary to endow men with emotionality, so any manifestation of “un-male” emotion is condemned by everyone. Especially men themselves, if they find this emotion within themselves. I'll explain now.
The traitor (not one of the 1 in 30) feels:
- Guilt (he understands that you had a hard time)
- Sympathy (the wife’s tear-stained eyes, the smell of valerian in the apartment - clearly about the fact that someone is feeling bad here)
- Shame (the notorious “I realized my mistake”)
- Doubt (do you remember that cheating is a symptom of a relationship disease? The relationship will not be cured by just returning the husband to the family)
- Fear (what if you are now going to torment him with constant reproaches, reminders of the baseness of his act? Or his mistress will harass, persecute, and will not give life to anyone)
Do you think he needs your support?
Oh, what are you talking about! I offer my help in such a situation, you once again emphasize - “ You are a weakling!” You can’t deal with your cockroaches yourself!”
Maybe, maybe. Just give it a deadline.
But he won’t understand it the way you do.
Why doesn't my husband want to talk about cheating?
The husband is not particularly eager to discuss his infidelity. Reacts irritably when you start talking about it. Because he understands that he is to blame.
«Shame on you, comrade! This is not how your mother raised you
!”, his conscience tells your husband. Her voice is so caustic, it penetrates your soul. That’s why your husband strives to forget everything quickly. He made his decision. He doesn’t want to doubt that he did the right thing by staying in the family.
Yes, yes, he may still have doubts. Because he also only has one life. And he chooses his own path. He could have made mistakes along the way. He is also scared just like you. Only if the pain of betrayal is added to your fear, then the pain of guilt is added to his fear.
Therefore, the man concentrates on the chance. You gave him this chance. Like a rifle to a military man. That's it, now he will guard the borders of the state. He has a task, he has no time to chat about mistakes. At least with you. He is ready to discuss with you not the past, but the future.
Why did I tell my husband about the betrayal?
I often discuss the topic of female infidelity with my clients, life is life. Why women cheat is not the only question. I cheated on my first husband because I missed something from him. There was not enough admiration. I was young, I wanted to hear compliments and all sorts of words from him - alas! We had different temperaments, different interests - now I already understand that the attraction of opposites is an illusion, both they attract and separate, causing each other a lot of pain. My personal history of infidelity has been many years (consider it successful), but I consider female infidelity to be very destructive to the individual. After the first betrayal, I was happy! I understand that this sounds monstrous, but it's true! I was beaming, my eyes were sparkling, the state of flight was enough for a long time. Then it happened again.
Why admit to cheating?
Why doesn't my husband admit to cheating?
First, let's figure out what kind of “treason” this is, and what we are accustomed to understand by this word. From a psychological point of view, infidelity is one of the most common problems of married couples, especially those who have lived together for a long time, and implies an extramarital affair. According to most people, this is pure betrayal, for which there is no forgiveness, and because of which one should be offended, swear and get divorced. But, no one, in a fit of emotion, takes into account the fact that betrayal also comes in different forms, and that we are all living beings, and not necessarily, as one, resistant to physical and mental impulses. An experienced psychologist, in order to assess the damage caused by betrayal, will first take into account the closeness of partners or spouses, then the nature of the betrayal, and only then find out the reason. Indeed, by nature, betrayal can only be sexual attraction, or, conversely, carry not only a physical, but also an emotional connection. Accordingly, the presence of an emotional background will cause the traitor to become dependent on his new object of passion, which qualitatively complicates the situation.
Reasons for change.
Psychologists identify seven main reasons why men go “to the left.” The most common is a casual relationship, which does not cause any special emotions or experiences, and is usually not of a regular nature. For the other six types, the basis and incentive for action are the shortcomings of family life, the desire to repeat past sensations and experience feelings, and unrequited love. Just as often, betrayal becomes simply revenge for the same betrayal, after which the husband does not confess and feels a certain sense of accomplishment, which justifies his actions.
Therefore, we can draw a small conclusion that any betrayal, as a crime in its own way, has its own degree of severity, and therefore must have its own punishment. And like any “criminal,” a traitor has the right to admit or not admit his guilt until it is proven.
Was it like that or not?
Speaking about betrayal, namely why the husband does not admit his sins, we should first clarify whether it really happened? Perhaps your husband will not confess because there is nothing to confess. Of course, if you caught him at the crime scene, then, in general, there is no point in saying or explaining anything at that very moment. Well, if this betrayal is just your assumptions. Many attribute ordinary flirting to the category of betrayal. Such a phenomenon as flirting is inherent in everyone’s life, and we use it more or less actively, depending on the situation and the person himself. Cases are not excluded when flirting goes beyond certain limits, but still does not reach the point of betrayal; it turns out to be a “game on the edge”, from which a person also receives certain positive emotions. So maybe your husband is just a gambler, and you just need to add a little game into your family life?
Why doesn't he admit to cheating?
If, nevertheless, betrayal is a clear fact, but the culprit, as before, pretends that nothing happened, what to do in such cases and how to explain such behavior? It is worth understanding that cheating is stressful not only for the one who was cheated on, but also for the one who cheated. Initially, the cheater is in constant fear of “what if he finds out,” and then the next wave of stress hits him when his wife finally finds out. And, as you know, fear and the instinct of self-preservation are more effective than promises to always tell only the truth. This is precisely the pointlessness of the question of why the husband does not want to admit to cheating? The second argument in favor of the lack of meaning is a response question that you should ask yourself: “would you really like to know about cheating?” The majority, of course, will immediately answer “yes,” arguing for mandatory marital fidelity, the absence of secrets between spouses, and so on. But, if you think about it realistically, the betrayal could be accidental and not matter, and then you have to live with it. He could have regretted this for a long time, and as a punishment for himself, not even look in the direction of other women, and after such a desired truth, the collapse of family relationships is possible. Moreover, usually showdowns do not take place without tears and hysterics. Few women have the strength to take everything calmly and simply talk. And men most of all do not like to be the object on which this whole stream of emotions is poured. That’s why they are silent about their adventures, for the safety of the nervous system of both theirs and their wife’s. We should also not forget about public opinion, condemnation by neighbors and other things that often prevent us from living. The usually banal “what will people say” becomes one of the main reasons why women decide to break off relationships. The fear of being put on trial by society, and at the same time losing his beloved wife, is what keeps his mouth shut.
Why is it better to hide betrayal?
Whether to inform a partner about cheating or not is a person’s personal decision. There is no clear answer. Most psychologists believe that it all depends on what gender the traitor is. And also, what kind of relationship the couple is in - long-term, married, started dating recently.
Partner's reaction is unknown
Female infidelity is perceived by men completely differently than vice versa. Most men who find out about cheating stop controlling themselves . Cheating really hurts their ego. Some become extremely aggressive and even begin to humiliate and beat the woman.
If a woman understands that a man has a hot temper and even an ordinary quarrel leads to insults and beatings, then it is better to carefully hide the fact of betrayal.
In this case, you should not admit to betrayal, you need to deny it to the last, stand your ground!
Male psychology is significantly different from female psychology . Men rarely forgive betrayal and react calmly to it. When a man finds out that his partner had sexual intimacy with another, he ceases to see the point in continuing a relationship with her. Sometimes the traitor becomes disgusted with him. Subsequent intimacy with her will cause him discomfort - hatred and disgust.
Women treat men's infidelity differently . Some will be able to forgive and forget the betrayal in the future, others will create a scandal, perhaps even a fight, and immediately break off relations with the traitor.
Most women forgive the betrayal itself, but not the emotional intimacy and falling in love of a partner with another. They will not be able to forgive this, even after a long period after the betrayal.
Some women are afraid of the superiority of their rivals. Therefore, they cannot forgive the very fact of emotional intimacy , and not sexual intercourse with a mistress. A man should take this into account before informing his partner about cheating.
Psychologists do not advise women to admit to cheating , of course, unless they are definitely determined to break off the relationship. After all, it is unlikely that a man will be able to understand and forgive betrayal.
Think about children, if you have them.
When a couple has children together, it’s worth thinking carefully about everything before telling your partner about cheating!
Why you shouldn’t tell a man about cheating if you have children:
- He can leave despite having children. Not all men are deterred by this. Especially if the relationship was not officially registered.
- There is a possibility that children will grow up without a father. In rare cases, men take children in after a breakup, and also raise them and maintain contact with them.
- After a breakup, a woman will have to devote more time to work in order to feed and clothe her children. As a result, children will be deprived of the attention of both parents.
You should not tell anyone about cheating.
Many psychologists argue that a cheater often finds himself in a more difficult situation than his partner. Because he begins to feel guilty.
Psychologist's advice. If you cheated, but want to save the relationship, don’t tell anyone about what happened! You can’t tell even your closest friends, relatives, or colleagues.
For example, a person cheated on his partner. He told a third party about the affair, but not his partner. After time, the fact of betrayal may be revealed. A friend/relative may spill the beans to your partner by accident or on purpose. Or rumors of betrayal will reach him. It’s much worse if your partner finds out about the betrayal not from you, but from others! If you keep a personal diary, you should not mention betrayal in it. Since it can fall into the hands of a partner if you live together and meet on your territory.
If you need to relieve your guilt
Having committed treason, a person may feel guilty towards his partner. And this is a completely normal phenomenon, given this situation. In this case, it is better to find a stranger who will listen and help cope with feelings of guilt. Psychologists play the role of such people.
Why is it better to tell a psychologist about cheating rather than a friend/relative:
- He can leave despite having children. Not all men are deterred by this. Especially if the relationship was not officially registered.
- There is a possibility that children will grow up without a father. In rare cases, men take children in after a breakup, and also raise them and maintain contact with them.
- After a breakup, a woman will have to devote more time to work in order to feed and clothe her children. As a result, children will be deprived of the attention of both parents.
How to reason with a husband who will not admit to cheating at all and is fooling you
Hello, dear readers of my blog! Since childhood, we have been told that all men cheat, it is in their nature. It’s as if we are being prepared in advance for something very bad and seemingly inevitable. Unfortunately, sometimes it happens that all these instructions were not in vain. This is a very difficult period that you will have to go through.
The husband cheats, but does not confess, the advice of a psychologist will tell you how to cope with the situation. It won't be easy, but you will overcome everything, I'm sure of that. Don’t forget that what seems terrible today is forgotten and a month later does not evoke any emotions.
The main thing is not to screw it up.
How to confess to your husband that you are cheating
If a woman understands that her husband will soon find out about the betrayal from other people, then it is better to tell him about it if she sees an urgent need.
Before you tell your husband about cheating, you need to prepare him for a serious conversation:
- Clean up your house. Your spouse will immediately guess that you want to have a serious conversation. But he probably won’t immediately think about the bad.
- Take care of your appearance. Most men love to see beauty and do not notice that they miss some words.
- Prepare dinner. When your husband returns home, don’t immediately start talking about cheating, feed him first. When a person is full, he makes contact more easily.
- Afterwards, unobtrusively start a conversation about yourself - good qualities, achievements, etc., seeking praise from your husband.
- At the end of the preparation, think about how to bring the conversation to the topic of betrayal.
- You need to start talking about betrayal at a time when your husband has not yet moved away from the stage of preparation for it.
Psychologist's advice. You should report cheating in a calm tone, quietly, without emotion. Look into his eyes to gauge his reaction. Choose your phrases carefully. Be prepared that some words may cause your spouse to become irritated and reject you.
How to proceed
You find yourself in a very difficult and unpleasant situation. Now you are controlled by emotions. The most important thing is not to give in to them, but to try to soberly assess the situation. I don’t want to say that you need to be sure of your arguments before doing anything, I won’t advise you to double-check. I hope you yourself understand this perfectly and are convinced that the fact took place.
Some women are mistaken when they accuse their husband of cheating. Sometimes a miracle happens and the situation is clarified. I really want to believe that this is your case, but life is unpredictable, so I’ll move on to specific advice on how to behave
First, try to figure out for yourself whether you need this man. Let's try to distance ourselves from the situation. Forget about cheating for a minute. What if fate itself gives you a chance to find something new. Is he really that good? Is it worth fighting for? Perhaps it would be better to let go?
Frankly speaking, I know of cases where a woman was ready to forgive infidelity, since her man earned very good money, was a wonderful father and a pretty good husband. In the words of that woman: “Well, I fell into bad hands, well, it doesn’t happen to anyone.” By the way, I admire this girl, who eventually managed to push her mistress out of the family and return her husband.
What not to do
If you want to return him or rid him of the desire to cheat, do not under any circumstances try to contact your mistress. Often, men do not hide the fact that they walk to the left of their wife. You cannot predict what this will lead to. In any case, the specific woman is not to blame, it was your husband's decision. The main responsibility for what happened lies with him. If not this one, there will be some other one. You are tired of daring.
This is not the worst thing, your husband, after this call, may completely stop respecting you. He doesn’t leave anyway, everything suits him. This will give him a reason to be less secretive. You know everything perfectly well, he knows, so why should he be cunning and come up with loopholes in order to escape for the evening to his mistress? After this, the most disgusting excuses will be used. As a result, you will have to be twice as nervous.
Throwing a tantrum with tears is also not a good idea. Persuasion is unlikely to help reason with a man. In addition, you give unspoken approval to his behavior. You have already forgiven him, you don’t like his behavior, but you want to save your family. What now prevents him from behaving as before, but being confident that you are not going anywhere? Why should he respect your feelings if you don't do it yourself?
If you want to radically influence the situation, it’s better to turn around and leave in the hope that he will try with all his might to get you back and the power of your love will win. However, be prepared for the fact that this will not happen. You just help him make a decision and in a week he will move to his mistress. “Well, since my wife kicked me out.”
How to confess to your wife about cheating?
Hiding infidelity from your wife can be almost impossible. Women begin to suspect cheating almost immediately, and not without reason, even if men try to carefully hide everything. And then check your suspicions in a practical way.
It’s better to admit to cheating before the wife herself starts talking or making trouble. In this case, there is a high probability that after a while she will be able to forgive. Either she will first leave, then forgive, but there will remain hope for her return.
Action plan:
- Don't start your story about betrayal from afar. Most likely she already knows about the betrayal or has guessed. It’s better to just say everything as it is. Preparing for such a conversation will be unnecessary and will further escalate the situation.
- If you intend to save the family, then ask your wife for forgiveness. Do everything possible so that she forgives and stays with you. Say that the betrayal was a mistake, you only love her alone. Start paying her more attention, helping around the house, giving her flowers and gifts.
- If you stop loving your wife and want to divorce, then inform her about it as soon as possible. You shouldn't force her to continue the relationship just because of affection.
- Don't choose a public place to talk, hoping that the presence of others will make her act calm. Such conversations are only appropriate at home, without the presence of friends, relatives, or children.
- Be prepared for a scandal, tears, reproaches, perhaps even a slap in the face. Or to the fact that she also admits to cheating. If your wife reacts extremely emotionally to the confession, try to get her to calm down.
Don't swear to your wife that you will never cheat again. You should not make any promises at such a moment, they will only make the situation worse. In the eyes of your partner, you have committed betrayal; trust in you will be undermined for some time.
How to discourage
What to do if you want to return your husband to the family?
The woman in the story I told you about a little earlier acted by appealing to the greed and reason of the man. She had children. She managed to intimidate the man so much with exorbitant alimony, division of property, endless lawsuits and trials that he quickly decided that she would not let him live in peace.
It’s easier to return to normal life and forget forever about the mistress with whom so many troubles awaited him. And we still say something bad about laziness!
It should be noted that the woman in this story is indeed hyperactive. She would definitely make every effort to ruin a person’s life. Unless you consider yourself to be in this category, never threaten something you cannot do.
I can recommend you the book by Andrei Zberovsky “If your husband cheated or left, and you dream of getting him back.” It contains a lot of information about the psychology of infidelity and mistresses, the causes of breakups and methods for eliminating problems in family life.
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