Why men offer relationships without obligations and how to react to it

What is an open relationship?

By “free” we mean relationships that are not constrained by the framework of a classic marriage. Typically, partners are allowed to flirt with other people and have sex with them.

There are three common types of open relationships:

friendly sex;
guest marriage;
polyamory.

You will find a detailed description of all three types in the articles on the official website of Pavel Rakov.

Girls, why do you think some couples choose this format? Write in the comments, I’m very interested to know your opinion!

Open relationship: pros

It's easy to maintain passion, romance and newness as a couple. The opportunity to spend time with other people “excites the blood” and creates a feeling of being in demand and popular.
It is convenient to satisfy the needs of both partners, even if they have different sexual temperaments and fantasies.
A constant influx of new emotions. Active communication with many people creates a feeling of “bubbling life” and emotional upsurge. This has a positive effect on the relationship because both partners feel happy and fulfilled.

But, if everything is so rosy, why do open relationships remain taboo for the vast majority?

Open relationships: cons

There is no real support in everyday matters and serious life situations. Imagine: you have a guest wedding, and you get sick. You are alone in your problem - no one will go to the pharmacy, make chicken soup, or get up at night to make sure you are okay. Partners are together only in the easy moments of life, and apart in the difficult moments.
You will have to share your loved one's time and attention with strangers. You bought a ticket to a concert and decided to make a pleasant surprise. And they answer you that they are going on a date with someone else. On the one hand, this is freedom. On the other hand, it is impossible to share vivid impressions with loved ones.
There is always a risk of the union breaking up. Can an open relationship ruin a marriage? Yes they can. Flirting with a stranger can uncontrollably develop into passion and love.

Open relationships are not for everyone. Think about it, perhaps you are closer to traditional union formats, and are only interested in guest marriage because you are tired of endlessly solving everyday issues or you are no longer satisfied with sex. In this case, you need to find the cause of dissatisfaction and resolve it. For example, add variety to your intimate life with the help of the tips that I give in the “Love and Sex” section.

If you are sure that you are attracted to an open relationship between a man and a woman, let's figure out how to create one.

Open relationship: to be or not to be?

It's better to warn right away. Open relationships and free sex are not the same thing. The term “open relationship” was invented out of selfishness and for convenience. Used in opposition to family relationships. Hinting that where there is a stamp in the passport, parents of different sexes and their children, there can be no talk of freedom. Another thing is an open relationship - not bound by anything, not indebted to anyone. Nobody is interested.

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Every year there are more and more of them. Infantile, smug boys who will never grow up. They tell gullible girls about freedom, implying the promiscuity of sexual relations inherent in animals. The sun rises and sets in his pants. Closer to forty, he disguises his bald spot and diligently sucks in his stomach, fitting into youth trousers. After reading Alex Leslie, he imagines himself as an alpha male and describes his successes in LiveJournal. And all this just to avoid facing the truth. But the truth is that he will never grow up. And he won’t meet a woman he could call his own.

I will never marry you

Sherry Argov in her book “The Bitch Gets Married” provides an interesting dialogue. The couple has been dating for six months. They are having dinner at a restaurant, and the guy says: “I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship yet. And you? Do you want to get married? The girl was not taken aback: “At least not now. My dress is at the dry cleaners, and I have to get up early in the morning. But I’m flattered that you asked.” Soon he was telling this story at a wedding.

Marriage is based on three pillars: money, children and sex. Of course, there is also care, love, emotional complicity, fatigue and misunderstanding, financial difficulties and relatives. But three fundamentals are unchanged: sex, from which children are born; children who make a couple a family; and the money that is earned for the family. In an “open relationship,” only one whale survives—sex. Maybe it has something to do with freedom, but it’s hard to call it a relationship. The scheme is convenient for irresponsible men. Such relationships are preferred by eternal boys and married men who feed their mistresses with hysterical stories about their vixen wife.

There are still adults who are divorced. As a rule, they do not believe that somewhere there is a person who will save them with his love. They consider themselves hopeless. Their future is already in the past. They raise children or grandchildren, hold on to their apartments, their way of life and pretend to be happy, but we do not take them into account. They are big and will figure it out on their own. They prefer relationships without moral obligations, because they do not need other people’s difficulties - their own are enough. Instead of solving their problems, they are lovingly grown, like bacteria in a Petri dish, and with this solution they scare off any hint of a normal relationship. Attract sexual parasites. They part painlessly when a life situation requires participation, help and emotional or material warmth.

Who dictates the rules

Any relationship is controlled by the one who cares less about it. One sets the rules, the other (the other) accepts them. Usually the second partner is in love and makes concessions, hoping that over time the relationship will develop into a serious one. (How else can we explain the idiocy of the situation when two people who have attraction and mutual interest agree in advance that they will sleep together, but not love.) A gullible pretender quickly makes all possible mistakes, becomes available, annoying, and minds his own business. and ruins everything. And he does the right thing, by the way. If a man (or woman) proclaims “freedom” early in a relationship, there are several reasons for this.

He is afraid of responsibility . This is normal, all men are afraid of her. Perhaps with these words he refers to the period when a couple meets, looking closely at each other. And as an honest person, he cannot guarantee that the matter will end in a wedding. So no one can give it, including after the wedding. If “open relationships” is not a principled position, but his vision of the relationship at this stage, this can be dealt with.

He recently broke up . If a person has recently experienced the difficulties of breaking up, then most likely he is not ready for a new relationship and is going to put up a protective barrier. He needs time and opportunity to thaw. It is difficult to predict the development of events. Perhaps he will recover from the injury and become a different person. Character traits that were suppressed by a sad state will appear in him. In any case, it is unpleasant to realize that you are being used to forget your former love. Still, an A for honesty. Such mistakes are forgivable for men, but never for women.

He is afraid to change his life . Or he is afraid to change his attitude towards life. A person with a deformed childhood, false values or low self-esteem. Perhaps some mystical duty hangs over him, for example, maternal love or meeting the expectations of his parents. Young people are giving up the chance for an independent life, valuing a homely, simple and familiar existence. An unspoken obligation not to change the hard-built way of life and the usual order of things.

He sees that a male is being hunted . An attractive woman, nail polish matching the color of her handbag, in a plate there are two olives and a lettuce leaf. Miss Perfect and I Want to Marry. A man is judged like a cow at a fair, alarm bells are ringing everywhere. Run, run away from here. He will take up defensive positions and begin planning a retreat. He will run away after he sleeps, or after a couple of months. As soon as a woman starts talking about a serious relationship, the man begins to dictate the terms. A woman must hide her intentions, otherwise it will seem to a man that she is obsessed with the idea of marriage, and not in love with him.

How to properly leave a man?

All options are surmountable. The question is at what cost. Is it worth it for a girl to waste part of her life, wait ten years for an offer and play by someone else’s rules, if she can try to set her own requirements? It is not necessary to sort things out and put pressure on a man, forcing decisive action. It is not necessary to solve other people's psychological problems. You can make it clear and confident what you expect, but we’ll talk about that another time.

To join or not to join?

A young girl has two reasons for a so-called open relationship - the main one and the rest. Home: let your guard down and try to make a husband out of the boy. The rest: the girl is lazy enough to change her life; or considers himself unworthy of better treatment; does not see any other virtues in a man other than sexual ones; doesn't trust this man, etc. For such girls, they make TV series in which there is not a single married character, and they write articles about the benefits and advantages of open relationships, in which the authors avoid the words “love” and “happiness” and use the terminology of a novice gynecologist lawyer. Although the name “unpromising relationship” better reflects the essence.

Everyone knows the imaginary advantages. For example, there is a sexual partner . Undoubtedly, there is something to be proud of here. But find at least one young woman who would be satisfied with sex without flowers, chocolates, phone calls, intimate conversation or walks in the park? Without words about love...

There are no financial obligations . What's not a plus? Especially for a girl who needs to pay rent, the refrigerator has broken down, or there has been a layoff at work. That is, sex with her is according to the rules, but giving her money is out of the game. Let him take it from his friends. This is like a man, it couldn’t be more free.

No moral obligations . Definitely a plus! In normal language it translates something like this: “If I decide to leave, I will do so without explanation. If you get pregnant, I will disappear. If you are in the hospital, then let Santa Claus bring you oranges. I don't care about your problems. I don't owe you anything. No matter what I do, my conscience will not torment me.” Since this is all implied, but not said, sometimes a girl finishes herself off with a philosophical question: we had such good sex, how could he do this? It seems that this has as many as three pluses.

There is no reason for quarrels . Of course, if people live separately and meet only at night, they will not only quarrel, but have nothing to talk about. There is no complicity in the life of another person. If a girl is languishing from emotional emptiness, let her go to a cafe with her friends, or even better, on a social network, and talk it out there. What quarrels? Just a little - being sent off the field. She didn't play by the rules. All the advantages of an open relationship can be boiled down to one phrase: “Nothing binds you.”

Such relationships are short-lived . Trying to preserve a relationship will lead nowhere. They do not develop, although the shelf life of canned food may be long. Sooner or later, the most intelligent of the partners will change the situation or provoke some kind of explosion. This is a real plus. The fact that common sense, personal interests and self-respect can return to the participants of the experiment.

There is also the cliché “ no need to wash your socks ,” which is also a plus. Obviously, this is a rudimentary form of speech from the series “hammer a nail into the wall”, “give a glass of water in old age.” Used to intimidate girls with house-building. A relic of the past, especially after the invention of washing machines and microwave ovens. In addition, men who cook are now trending. And they are doing well.

If you are still thinking about the benefits of an open relationship, then there is an easy way to decide. Ask yourself two important questions: “Why?” and “Why not?” The answer to the first will protect you from disappointment, the answer to the second will show that you are willing to take risks.

Simple rules of protection

(advice from Sherry Argov, read in full in the book “The Bitch Gets Married”)

When you don't go crazy after sex and continue to lead your own life, a man begins to treat you differently. He himself will want to consolidate the relationship.

If a man does not receive guarantees from you and believes that you can leave him at any time, he will try to move on to a serious relationship.

A man is not interested in whether he can get a woman into bed, but whether he can arouse and maintain her interest.

Act as if you don't really need him. Then he will try to prove that he is actually better than you think.

If he sees that you want to get married, he will try to run away. If he doesn't know what you want, he'll think about mutual commitment.

Don't be too frank, intrusive or available. A man does not give in to coercion and blackmail. He must feel that he makes the decision himself.

Just because a man sleeps with you doesn't mean he loves you. Good sex will not make him love you.

When a woman tries too hard, a man tends to test her: how far can he go?

There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who has self-esteem and pride in herself.

Author: Natalya Kalinichenko

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How to invite your partner to try an open relationship?

Prepare for a long, calm conversation. Choose a time when nothing and no one will distract from the conversation. Build a conversation according to the following scenario:

Say that you love and appreciate your chosen one, you like your union, but you would like to make some changes.
Describe the essence of an open relationship, all the advantages of this partnership format, focus on the fact that you continue to be a couple.
Give your loved one time to process what they have heard. This may take several days or weeks. Emphasize that you are open to dialogue.

Be prepared to answer a lot of questions. For example: “Why aren’t you happy with what you have now?” or “I’m not enough for you?” Answer honestly and sensitively. Emphasize that you value the union, which is why you don’t want to break off the relationship.

Open love is rare even in modern society. Only a few agree to it. So don't be surprised if your partner turns you down. Decide in advance what you will do in this case: maintain the previous format of the relationship or break up.

Please tell us in the comments if you are attracted to an open relationship? Don't worry, all answers are anonymous!

How to prepare your partner for a new stage of the relationship?

If your loved one agrees to try an open union, you need to discuss a few rules:

Decide how far you both can go with other people. For example, guest marriage does not involve sex with strangers, but may involve flirting with strangers and meeting them in a friendly manner.
Set restrictions: for example, never bring strangers home, meet them no more than once, rent a hotel room for this, etc.
Warn your friends and relatives about the form of your union. Otherwise, you run the risk of regularly receiving calls like “I saw your Zhenya with some weirdo!”
If you have children, discuss how this may affect them. But in most cases, couples without children enter into open relationships.
Agree that you will immediately clarify any disagreements with each other. What is the meaning of an open relationship? In mutual happiness. If one of the partners understands that there is no more joy, but there is resentment, anger or jealousy, this cannot be hushed up.

For an open alliance to work, it must include:

total trust;
complete absence of jealousy;
willingness to take into account the interests and feelings of a loved one.

The main thing is that both partners want to support this format. When someone agrees to an open relationship out of fear of losing their loved one, the couple will quickly fall apart. If you're against it, but your partner continues to insist on seeing other people, consider maybe your relationship has become toxic and it's time to end it.

I fell in love and he wants an open relationship

Hello! I am 27 years old. I study Chinese and teach English in Shanghai. I'm also studying to become a lawyer.

For the first time, I seriously fell in love with a young man from another country. He and I study together at the same university in China. Before him, I didn’t have any relationships with guys, except for fleeting crushes.

Our relationship developed gradually. He and I often walked and watched movies. Sometimes they talked for hours. He let me know that he liked me. I began to realize that I was falling in love with him. We dated for a long time and only after three months of our meetings did he kiss me for the first time. There was no sex between us, since I am a virgin, there was only mutual caresses. He acted like he was very much in love with me. Although sometimes he said that he was afraid of a serious relationship, this did not alarm me, I was in love and was ready even for short-term happiness. He said that he would miss me if I went on vacation. After I left for my country for two months, we continued to communicate via the Internet. He kept saying that he was waiting for me and missed me. But shortly before my arrival, he (so afraid of a serious relationship) suddenly told me that he had a girlfriend and that everything was serious with them and he was waiting for me only as a friend. I was in a lot of pain, but I didn’t show it. He kept writing to me and asking me when I would arrive. After I came back to China to study, I avoided communicating with him. He continued to seek meetings with me, called me, asked me to be his friend. He said that he didn’t want to lose me from his life, he wanted to talk to me heart to heart like before. But it was very difficult for me, and I flatly refused, since this very request humiliated my feelings for him and everything that was between us. I decided to move to another area of the city (we lived in the same dorm), away from him. Before my move, he suddenly called me and when he found out that I was moving, he was in great confusion, came to me, hugged me and did not want to let me go for a long time.

After that farewell, about three months passed, during which time I came to my senses a little, and began to seem to forget the pain and insult that he caused me. He still continued to sometimes write to me via the Internet or send SMS. He asked about my life, about how I live.

One day we met by chance at a New Year celebration at the University. I realized that I really missed him. We talked that day, he asked me for forgiveness, said that he could not forget about the time when we met, how we shared our feelings with each other, how good it was for us. He said that he had broken up with that girl, and that he still thought about me, and asked for my forgiveness. He also said that he was leaving for his country soon and might not return again because his father was seriously ill. I listened to him for a long time, I didn’t quite believe him about his feelings for me, but at that moment it seemed to me that I had already become stronger and could control my feelings. I decided to experience happiness and joy again, even if it was brief. Everyone tried to dissuade me, everyone said that he was only using me, he only needed me as a consolation, but I didn’t care. I felt good with him, and I forgave him without hesitation. We decided to meet before he left, we decided not to talk about the future and just enjoy each other’s company. Now, we had a closer relationship. We didn't have full sex, but we often lay together without clothes and caressed each other. I stayed overnight with him several times. I understood that this would not last long, that he would leave tomorrow, but I tried not to think about it. How wrong I was in thinking that this time I would not suffer. One day he started talking about his ex-girlfriend that he no longer loved her but still suffered because she did not want to continue the relationship with him. He began to tell me that he had suffered a lot himself and caused a lot of suffering to others, and that he was afraid of hurting me again. He is afraid that the same story may repeat itself again. Then I finally realized that he doesn’t see me at all as a potential girlfriend, but in fact he just feels guilty and I am a kind of consolation for him. And I also realized that I couldn’t handle this non-binding relationship, since I became even more attached to him, I revealed all of myself to him and, without noticing it, I began to expect more from him. I decided to end it all right away before I completely lost my self-respect. I told him everything, we talked for a long time, he said that he understood me and that he was not my match, and that I needed a normal relationship, and he was a man with a “broken soul.” He also said that we just met at the wrong time and maybe in the future... and he didn’t continue on that. And again he couldn’t let me go, he hugged me. and before leaving he wrote: “Thank you for everything. You are a special person to me, I will miss you very much.” And again all my anger and disappointment disappeared. He left, but still continues to write to me. I don’t know what to do, I understand that such a relationship will lead nowhere, that it is just a waste of time, besides, such a relationship humiliates me, makes me unhappy, but nevertheless I cannot completely say goodbye to him. His every word is both joy and torment for me. I understand that I act too emotionally and through the prism of my love, I am completely immersed in these feelings, so I really need advice.

There is a possibility that he will come again soon. And he can offer me such a relationship again. Is there a future for such relationships? Is it worth continuing to risk your feelings or is it better to stop them completely? Thanks in advance for your answer!

Sincerely,

Jamila

He wants an open relationship

Why do open relationships stop working?

Most free unions end sadly: one of the partners becomes jealous and leaves the relationship. Or he meets another person with whom he falls in love and decides to build a marriage with him. Therefore, think, are you really ready to risk your family for the sake of ephemeral freedom?

If you feel that your relationship no longer brings joy and harmony, start with yourself. Answer honestly: what do you need to be happy? What don't you like about your marriage? Only you are responsible for your feelings and emotions. The “Secrets of Women’s Happiness” course helps you understand and accept this. On it I teach girls to hear their inner needs, learn to satisfy them, and interact harmoniously with the opposite sex.

Tell me, could you understand the guy who offered you an open relationship? How would you answer him?

Freedom in relationships.

Category Relationships, Articles by Tatiana Kiseleva

QUESTION:

How to be free in a relationship and not infringe on your partner?

ANSWER:

It all depends on how you define freedom. Freedom is to do what you want and not feel guilty or obligated? Or is freedom about being free from attachments in relationships? Or is it about being free from limiting beliefs and values? For example, earlier, they talked a lot about open relationships, meaning by this the possibility of sex on the side.

Therefore, it is useful to determine for yourself what freedom is for you, and how it is related to relationships.

In fact, a truly free person cannot infringe on the partner with whom he is in a relationship. Just as the opposite is true - a truly free person cannot be infringed upon in anything. Therefore, the question is rather how to become truly free.

And the second question - in what ways can you infringe on your partner? Something I can’t even imagine anymore...

Well, probably, ban something, limit his freedom, not give money, or not give something else..., control him..., impose your point of view, demand something, etc.

Who can behave like this in a relationship? Can a truly free person do this? No! Prohibitions, restrictions and demands are born only in someone who is dependent on a partner, in someone who is afraid, who constantly infringes and limits himself in some way. Therefore, I suspect that the question itself was born from a person who is not free. A free man wouldn't even ask.

We are all inherently free. But restrictions appear due to a feeling of fear. Only fear limits. All other restrictions are not restrictions. Remove fear and you will be free. Then where does fear come from? And fear arises naturally the moment we identify with something or someone.

Here a relationship has arisen, and we have already identified with it, identified with our partner. And not just with a partner or a relationship, but with your ideas about him and the relationship. And as a result, there is a fear of losing it all. And if there is fear, then control arises. And the greater the fear, the stronger the desire to control everything. And now you are tense, and you are stressing your partner.

The very first identification arises with the body, with our physical body. Hence the most terrible fear is the fear of death. Which is basic for humans and any living creature, and the only one. All other fears are derivatives of the fear of death. Learn more about this in the online course.

Therefore, it is useful to expand your ideas about yourself and explore this issue in more detail. Well, if in relation to relationships, then it is useful to at least remember that the one who is next to you is not your property, and does not owe you anything (even if he promised). And you are also not your partner’s property and you don’t owe him anything either. And if a feeling of LOVE arises between you, then thank LOVE (God). And if you play the role of wife/husband, then only of your own free will, and not because you owe something. And if your partner plays the role of husband/wife, then also of his own free will, and you can only thank him/her for that. Even one such understanding already makes it possible to breathe more freely in relationships.

Freedom in a relationship is not possible if you yourself are tied. Therefore, it is proposed to first free ourselves from identifications and fears. If you are free from them, then you are automatically free from resentment, claims, guilt, jealousy, etc. And if you are free yourself, then you will be sensitive to both your partner and his boundaries, his choices. In freedom there is respect and compassion, responsibility and love. And from these feelings you will not want to infringe on your partner. Therefore, it will be useful to develop such qualities in yourself. Just train every day in sensitivity, respect, take responsibility for your feelings, develop compassion and warmth. With this comes freedom.