Why do children tease each other? What to do if your child doesn’t want to go to school because of ridicule from classmates? Family psychologist Katerina Novitskaya answered these and other questions.
There are provocateurs in any team. In children's, this is usually a leader: someone who leads others, active, but not distinguished by good behavior. Often such children have an aggressive character; they feel not only their own strength, but also the weakness of another child, and therefore react to it with particular harshness. As a rule, other children join in the bullying for company, sometimes without even realizing why they are doing it.
The unluckiest people are those who stand out from the crowd: too thin or too fat, an unusual surname or a special name. Offensive nicknames and constant ridicule traumatize a child, especially if he is naturally vulnerable and shy.
Those in the danger zone are those who hear: “You won’t succeed!”
In such a situation, a huge responsibility falls primarily on the parents. Their communication with the child and the messages they give him determine how stable and strong he can be emotionally.
If parents say: “You won’t succeed!”, “You’re the same as always!” – the child develops self-doubt at a subconscious level. Children who grew up hearing these phrases often find themselves in the danger zone at school.
Parents, even before the child goes to school, should teach him to tell them how his day went. Ask how he is doing, who he is friends with, maybe someone is offending him. The child must understand that talking with parents is safe, that parents are always on his side and he can talk about his problems without fear.
Who and why becomes an aggressor and bullies peers
Explain to your child that the reason for bullying is not in him at all, but in the character of those who offend him.
In any group there are people who take pleasure in making others suffer. They may do this for various reasons.
Perhaps because they themselves suffered a lot of grievances, and now they are pouring out their pain on others. Perhaps deep down they are not confident in themselves, and so that others do not see their weaknesses, they try to suppress someone and gain superiority.
Such people do not show aggression if others rebuff them. If there is someone to stand up for their sacrifice. But, if there are no friendly relations, and in the class everyone is for himself, the aggressor very quickly chooses a victim.
That is, the first secret to dealing with bullying at school is to find friends who will be there when the bully decides to practice his wits. It’s easier to fight back with two or three than alone.
Prepare your child to be noticed
If the child has a special appearance, an unusual name, or the family does not have the funds to buy an expensive phone, parents should prepare the child in advance for the fact that other children will pay attention to him.
At school age, the situation is complicated by the fact that children look at who has the best phone, backpack or suit, and there is a social division into rich and poor. I believe that a child should face such a situation and experience it at school, and not at a university or at work. School years are the time when parents can and should explain that he is no worse and no better. It’s just that you can only afford one such phone, and your classmate can afford another.
Recommendations “What to do if a child is teased”
Evgenia Lezhniva
Recommendations “What to do if a child is teased”
How to Defeat Mockingbirds
The victim of teasing always has some striking difference from others, which provokes attacks. But the feature is not the main thing. It is very important how the child himself feels about this feature, how he reacts to teasing addressed to him . The situation is fixed if he tries to cope with it, shows obvious resentment, makes no attempt to correct what is being laughed at if it is in his power , and does not turn to adults for help.
What can you do?
1. If features of appearance or behavior can be changed, this must be done. An overweight child can overcome this deficiency by reviewing his diet, and if necessary, consult a doctor. A child is teased as a “slob”
?
Here it is the direct responsibility of the parents to better monitor his appearance. If we are talking about behavioral characteristics, then you need to think about how to help the child become more proactive, sociable, and active. Think about the reasons for the teasing and help correct the situation.
2. Change your point of view. When we are not talking about a flaw, but about features (hair color, nose length, freckles, glasses), then you need to reorient the child’s by making a “flaw”
dignity.
You can say to a redhead that he looks like the sun. If a child wears glasses , be sure to note that he is very respectable. By the way, the Harry Potter saga has reconciled many children with glasses. A child who is teased based on his nationality needs to develop pride in his native nationality. If he confidently and ardently rushes to defend not so much himself as his people, the offenders will quickly calm down.
3. Teach to perceive reality. There are situations when nothing can be changed. Then you need to reconcile the child with the fact that his appearance is special. It's not easy, but this is the solution. Then the “injections”
of those teasing will not hurt him too much. And other children, seeing that their mischief does not cause offense or tears, will stop bothering you. Zdeněk Matejček, a Czech psychologist, writes “Our educational goal is not to protect the child from interest and curious glances, but to ensure that he perceives his unusualness as a self-evident part of his Self and lives with it, not paying attention to it.” and without making a problem out of it.”
4. Build adequate self-esteem! Research by American psychologists has shown that children with adequate self-esteem are usually accepted by their peers more readily than those whose self-esteem is too high or low, and these are the characteristics that distinguish children who are “ victims.”
.
A conversation about a child’s is too extensive a topic to fit into a short recommendation . But too low self-esteem must be increased by instilling in the child confidence in his strengths and capabilities. And if it is too high, reduce it adequately. Then the child will gain the ability to understand the real level of his capabilities and the demands that he can put forward to others.
LET IT REACT!
It is you who can teach your child to respond to name-calling effectively, that is, so that the teasing does not take hold :
• Ignoring. The child is called names , but he pretends not to hear. However, you need to have strong nerves so as not to “explode”
;
• Reacting in an unusual way. For example, if a child is teased “Turtle!”
, you can answer with one of the options:
“Turtle?
Actually, my name is Vanya, and we can look for the turtle together ,” or
“Nice to meet you, Turtle.
And my name is Vanya" ;
• Talk. Let the child say to another : “Why do you want to hurt me?”
. But this method works better at an older age;
• Learn excuses. A very effective option for preschoolers. You need to learn excuses with your child - short rhymes that allow you to respond adequately, without showing offense or getting involved in retaliatory insults. “Whoever calls himself that name is called that himself”
.
“Black cash register, I have the key, whoever calls names is on himself!” “A crocodile walked along, swallowed your word, but left mine
.
If a child boldly enters into a “fight”
With the help of excuses,
teasing against him is not fixed. In general, it is worth guiding the child towards an active reaction . Not necessarily rude, but active. Only in this case will the offenders understand that they chose the wrong “victim”
.
Perhaps they will make several attempts, but if he survives , he will defend his place in the group. And the desire to run away from offenders will also disappear!
What makes the victim return is her reaction.
Reaction is what keeps bullies coming back to the victim again and again. And the stronger the reaction, the better for the offender.
Typically, children use the methods they know to fight back: they start a fight, say bad words in response. Parents need to be explained that there are other ways to resolve the conflict. For example, not paying attention, laughing with everyone, or laughing it off. This is called “developing the skill of self-care”: the child himself determines whether he can help himself or whether he needs help from his parents.
There are cases when a child is offended by a teacher or the parents of a classmate. In this case, parents must take the situation into their own hands. But under no circumstances should you start a showdown, but simply talk to the offender.
Sometimes a child is boycotted. In such a situation, dad or mom should talk to the class teacher, find out what happened in order to understand how to proceed. In such a situation, it makes sense to go to a psychologist.
Set your child up correctly
It’s better not to lead to a fight. The reason for this attitude of classmates is the specifics of behavior. To avoid an unpleasant situation, it is important to make adjustments. There must be the right attitude to the situation. Explain that he is not bad in some way, the problem is with the offender. Suggest using an effective method - not taking teasing to heart. If a child is sad, runs away, worries - this is exactly what classmates are trying to achieve. They will not stop, but will only become convinced of their defenselessness.
It’s difficult to convince someone that you’re right; it’s better to use someone else’s example. For example, if you're being teased about your glasses, tell them about someone who also wears them but people are nice to them. Choose a famous person who has authority among children.
How not to react
Don't leave your child alone with your problem. I sincerely do not understand those parents who refuse to help their child. It's cruel. Everything will come back when the child grows up. The parent will feel bad, and the child can rightfully say to him: “You know, these are your problems, solve them yourself!”
There is no need to immediately run to school and sort things out. After such “showdowns” it only gets worse, and children, especially teenagers, for this reason do not want to tell their parents about their problems.
Why do they tease?
From an early age, hierarchical relationships are formed, when everyone tries to somehow establish themselves in society. The reason why children tease a child is simple - for some reason he has not found a place for himself in their circle. Most often this happens due to some differences - heavy weight, glasses, and sometimes good academic performance. Children are not known for their inventiveness in this regard, so they can also tease because of old clothes. So what to do?
It is important to show strong qualities
It is not enough to fight back, it is important to demonstrate your strengths. It is necessary to explain that you cannot isolate yourself. Retain kindness and responsiveness in him - remember that his fate depends on you. The most important thing is that the child must remember that there is a lot of fairness and goodness in the world, and such cases do not deserve attention. Education is painstaking work that is carried out consistently. If you don’t see results immediately after your words, don’t rush, talk daily. If one approach doesn't work, another will definitely do. The main thing is to stop the wrong behavior and clearly explain that you cannot tolerate being teased.
Causes
Having learned stories from school life, many will conclude that children are cruel creatures, but this is not so. Children are spontaneous and truthful. They say what they see. And sometimes they don’t understand the pain they can cause to others.
In a children's group, relationships are often built like in the animal world. Children organize a community with a leader or several leaders, the so-called “popular” guys. Such a team often has a herd feeling. Therefore, when one of the children does not like the leader or is not applying for his place, he can become an outcast, and most of the children will tease him. It is usually insecure and weak children who tease.
There are undoubtedly cases of aggressiveness in children. But they are not the norm. This requires the work of a psychologist or psychiatrist. All other situations can be solved by pedagogical means.
The position of the teacher is very important; he must make independent observations, conduct general classes with the children, in some cases punish offenders and conduct conversations with parents.
Should I transfer to another school?
Changing the environment is the most critical option, but sometimes it is justified. If the attitude towards the child has been formed, and he has been teased for months, it will be difficult to direct the situation in the right direction. First try to resolve the conflict on the spot and monitor the results. If you can’t establish relationships with your classmates, you can change your team. But before going to a new class, be sure to talk, analyze the causes of the problems, tell them how to behave in order to avoid troubles in the new place.
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