Every year the statistics of divorces in Russia is growing and there are more children being raised without a father. Women enter into a second marriage more meaningfully and take into account not only their preferences in the characteristics of a man, but also the feelings of their children from their first marriage, their desire or unwillingness to accept a new person into the family.
The selected candidate becomes not only a husband, but also the father of someone else’s child. And here the main thing for the mother is that the new father accepts her baby as his own. Every look of a man, every word and action towards his child will be viewed with a huge amount of criticism by a woman for a long time after marriage. Doesn't it offend you?
Is the husband fair to his adopted child? Does it give due attention? Is it possible to trust him with your beloved child and run to him for a manicure? A hundred questions flash through my mother’s head while she tries to discern the true feelings of her second husband towards the child from her first marriage. And at such moments, the mother does not at all want to give birth to a child in her second marriage.
Why don't women want to have a child in their second marriage?
Having lived together for some time, the question of having a baby together naturally arises. A man needs an heir to continue his family line. A man is a breadwinner, and he wants to leave his acquired property to his child.
But why do many women not want to have a child from their second husband? The answer lies partly in the question itself. Second marriage, the mistakes of the first are still fresh in my memory.
A woman already has a fear of being left alone with children, and the more children, the more difficulties after a divorce. Another fear, probably one of the biggest, is how will the husband treat the eldest child after the birth of his own? After all, your own baby is your own blood, your own genes, and, looking at him, the husband will guess his own features.
The husband's relatives will receive their grandson with warmth and love. It’s rare when someone else’s child evokes such feelings in new relatives. Tolerance and complacency, and sometimes ordinary indifference - yes, but not love and affection. Mothers have to endure this attitude towards their child. And what to do in such a situation?
You cannot force anyone to love, and mothers try to expose their baby to new relatives as little as possible. But if a joint baby appears, meetings will become inevitable, and grandparents will want to see the new family member more often.
How will the older child feel in such a situation? The youngest is groomed and cherished, but he will have to sit quietly and watch on the sidelines. Another reason not to have a baby in a new marriage is the fear of injuring the older child.
The parents' divorce and the feeling of uselessness, and sometimes guilt in the current situation, have already had a negative impact on the child's psyche, and the birth of a younger family member and everyone's attention to him can lead to even greater isolation and detachment.
And here, of course, one must take into account his psychological state. A lot of people come into the adult world with complexes, and often these are children from their first marriage who have not received the necessary attention and love.
If, nevertheless, the scales tip towards a joint child, the mother should definitely observe the older child, talk to him about the topic of the younger brother or sister and, if possible, consult with a child psychologist. A specialist will undoubtedly give the right advice on your psychological state and help you choose the right words.
My husband insists that I keep giving birth until we have a boy. But I do not want
I am the mother of three beautiful daughters. I love my children very much, but for all the time that I have been babysitting them, I am already pretty tired of fulfilling parental responsibilities. In our family, my husband is mainly involved in earning money, and he hardly helps me with housework. My main assistants are my sister and mother. They take the girls for a walk, invite them to visit, and sit with them at our house when I ask.
There is no question of hiring a nanny - my husband and I were already asking the price, and the agency charged us such a price that it became scary, and we don’t want to trust our girls into a coma. So it turns out that I devote all my time to my family. Because of this, I lost all my friends, and for the last 6 years I have not worked anywhere.
I want the children to grow up and become independent as soon as possible, so that I can once again take up my self-development and career. Now I dream of going through training again and returning to work, joining a gym, losing weight and starting visiting a cosmetologist... However, my husband insists that I give birth until we have a boy.
I know how much my husband dreams of a son - he is a fan of sports, hiking and fishing, so I always wanted a child who would share his interests and keep him company. Our girls are far from what dad loves. Their main interests are clothes, dolls and video games.
I'm afraid to give birth for the fourth time - what will happen if this time we get a girl? Will my husband send me for the fifth?
Due to this husband’s obsession with his son, I even began to fear that he would try to conceive an heir on the side and leave for another woman... I understand that this is nonsense, but I don’t want to raise three (let alone four) children alone . And who will need me, with such a “trailer”?
My fathers-in-law also demand a grandson, although they don’t help me with the children. They sometimes donate money for some purchases, but these are small things compared to how my parents help us. At the same time, my mom and dad are absolutely on my side. They convince me not to give in to my husband’s persuasion and say that even if a son is born, my husband will quickly “play enough” with him and again hang the child on me.
I’m afraid that my husband might arrange my pregnancy against my will, and I’m thinking about starting to take birth control pills in secret from him... But these drugs are quite expensive, and I don’t have personal money. You will have to regularly ask your parents for the required amount so that your husband does not find out anything.
Is a common child necessary to preserve family ties?
The relationship between a man and a woman in a second marriage is built according to two scenarios: either mutual understanding or mutual misunderstanding.
It’s good when all issues are resolved through dialogue and come to a common denominator without mutual claims and reproaches. But families are often observed where spouses do not live up to the expectations of their spouses. And if the husband in such a family tries to achieve peace of mind with the help of additional work, drinking, friends or partying, the woman begins to look for a way out in having a child together.
Or rather, it seems to her that having given birth to a man a son or daughter, he will sit at home like an attached man and experience an immense feeling of gratitude and love for his wife. Will not be.
If there is no mutual understanding, if quarrels occur frequently, of course, if these quarrels are not due to the absence of a joint baby, then after the birth of the latter nothing will change.
With the appearance of a little person in the family, internal tension only increases. It is the newborn baby that requires a lot of attention, so the mother’s main attention is focused on him.
Also, the lack of the necessary time to take care of herself makes a woman less attractive, which does not add any merit to her in the eyes of her husband. The man will begin to get even more nervous.
Constant lack of sleep, reproaches from the wife, lack of affection from the latter will do their job, and the relationship will become even worse than before the birth of the baby.
Conclusion - do not try to tie a man to yourself with the help of a child. If everything is good with each other, then the baby should be a welcome member of the family, and not a way to preserve family ties.
My husband doesn’t want a second child: what to do?
Good day to you, dear readers! Last time I wrote about how to persuade your spouse to have your first baby. Today we will go further: what to do if the husband does not want a second child? Or the third? What if he has already experienced all the difficulties of fatherhood and does not want to hear about a new pregnancy?
This situation is significantly different from the one discussed in the previous article. What exactly?
- you already have a child. The point of “becoming a father” has already been completed. Many men are sure that one baby in the family is enough;
- A man already knows what a small child is. And he understands perfectly well what restrictions are imposed on your life;
- The “housing question” begins to acquire great importance;
- The man is sure that after the birth of his second baby, all costs will double;
- A man sees how little time you have left after the baby arrives. And he is afraid that with two you will completely forget your marital duties.
Do you really need a second child?
Having one child is a necessity. In most cases, people need children. It is very rare to hear a statement that a person does not intend to have children for the rest of his life. Usually, the only question is when exactly is the best time to get pregnant.
But everyone has different ideas about family. And it would be better to find out them before the wedding. After all, this question is one of the most important: how do you see your family? How do you imagine your life together? However, it happens that a man supported your dreams of having many children only until the birth of your first child. Or, on the contrary, initially you planned only one baby, and then suddenly you “got the taste for it.”
What to do? The first thing that is important to understand is that your spouse is not obligated to give you a second child. And if he, as the head of the family, is categorically against it, you will have to come to terms with it. In the end, happiness is not in the number of children. And in relationships... You can live with one offspring in immeasurable happiness and love. So that everyone with many children will be jealous. And vice versa…
However, in most cases, the spouse does not decide to have a new family member because of strong inner convictions. And because of your mistakes... Or because of your own unjustified fears. And this can be fixed.
Men's fears
First, about the simplest things. Which fears are truly justified? As a rule, our husbands worry about finances. And here it is important to highlight several aspects:
- You can live with one child in a one-room apartment. Not an ideal situation, but tolerable. But giving birth to a second child without the prospect of improved conditions is much worse.
- Not all things can be easily transferred from the elder to the younger. This is especially true for shoes... Not all children's shoes can withstand two seasons. What if the children are of different sexes?
- medicine, various sections, and vacation trips will now cost much more.
However, you can still save a lot here. Calculate with your spouse how much additional money will be needed for a second child? What if you don’t buy everything new, but take something from friends or buy something at a big discount?
To be honest, we never bought clothes for our youngest son. But the eldest daughter wears everything new. And in general, at the moment, all expenses for my son are only diapers and slings. And a cheap stroller (I could have taken an old one, but I decided to treat myself to this purchase). Oh yes, sometimes we also take the baby to an osteopath, but this is not at all necessary.
Woman's behavior
My experience and the experience of my friends shows that all obstacles can resolve themselves if a woman takes the right position. This is useful not only for the sake of conceiving children. It doesn’t matter what reasons force your husband to deny you the desired pregnancy. Surprisingly, there is a way out...
There is a high probability (although not 100%) that your spouse will agree to the next baby if you:
- You will become more feminine (“I don’t feel like a woman”).
- Learn to respect your husband.
- Improve your relationship and understanding with your husband.
- Learn to pay more attention to your spouse, despite having your first child.
- You will be happy now.
In other words, try to become the best wife for him. You will develop as a woman and as a mother. If everything in your family is simply gorgeous, complete mutual understanding, harmony and happiness, your spouse will find a way to fulfill your dream of new children. Find a way to earn more money. Will be able to come to terms with the upcoming difficulties and sleepless nights associated with the birth of a baby.
In addition, if your spouse’s refusal is caused by objective reasons, you will stop worrying. You will be simply happy in the family that you have. Isn't this what we need?
conclusions
The point is not to find some magical argument in favor of having a second child. My advice is about something else. You have to invest as much as you can into the relationship. And into myself. You must become the one who inspires a man to be a knight, to take responsibility, to set new goals... I myself went through all this. After all, after the appearance of the eldest daughter, the husband categorically did not want to increase the number of children.
The action plan is:
- start actively taking care of yourself. Have you started to look “not so good” while on maternity leave? Then don’t be surprised that they dream of sending you to work;
- learn to obey your husband - this will increase his desire to take responsibility;
- understand your spouse’s love languages;
- understand what your chosen one lacks (affection? Praise? Care?) and give it to him;
- watch your speech and gentleness;
- I highly recommend taking some kind of training program. This could be a free school "ShZhS" (if you are able to organize yourself) or a paid course by Masha Nathan if you need guidance.
I hope I was able to cover our topic as fully as possible. If you have any questions, ask. I relied on my experience. I will also be glad if one of the readers shares their case - how were you able to persuade your spouse to conceive a second child?
Share the article on social networks and subscribe to blog updates. I wish you immense happiness. See you!
pozdnyakova.org
How can children born in a second marriage negatively affect a relationship?
Very often, women complain about the relationship between a child from their first marriage and a new husband. Most often, they are offended that the man did not accept her baby, could not love her as his own, and at the same time they strive to give birth to a child together as soon as possible.
They think that after the birth of a child, the awakened paternal feelings will “hook” the adopted one. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen.
If a man did not initially accept someone else’s child, this only means that he did not feel love for the mother of this child and will no longer be able to accept with his soul and heart a baby from another man. After the birth of his own blood, a man’s attitude towards his step-child may become even worse.
The latter will immediately go into the status of “big” and “stranger”. Demands and discontent towards him will only increase, indifference will appear more and more often, and the woman will have to live in two families: she and the child from her first marriage, she and the new husband and the child they share with him.
She will always need to protect her eldest child from her husband’s attacks.
When the youngest grows up, in any conflict situations the father will take the side of his child, and the mother will have to make a choice: take the side of the elder to balance the forces, which will certainly lead to resentment on the part of the husband and the younger child, or take the side of the latter, which will lead to Already the first-born will feel like an extra member of the family.
Of course, before deciding to have a child in a second marriage, a woman should definitely look at the attitude of her new husband towards the child from her first marriage.
