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Irina Gavrilova Dempsey, psychologist, psychoanalyst: How to protect your daughter from early sexual relations in adolescence - this question concerns every mother whose daughter is growing up.
Very often, the mother herself does not know how to explain to her daughter why it is necessary to maintain virginity until marriage. Some people don’t know, some are embarrassed to talk about these topics, others, while conducting preventive conversations, trying to protect their child from early sexual relations, are simply intimidated by diseases, unwanted pregnancy, etc.
Sometimes a mother would be happy to talk and explain to her daughter the intricacies of a woman’s life, but apart from the common phrases that one must be chaste and pure, that’s how it’s supposed to be, and she doesn’t know what else to say. And to my daughter’s counter question: why don’t boys need to take care of this, but girls do? Mom doesn’t really know what to answer.
Menstruation
The age of first menstruation is getting younger. In the modern world, menstruation begins around the age of 11-13, which is why it is very important to get ahead of the Internet and tell us what it is and why it is normal and not something to be afraid of.
It is important that this is not a surprise for the girl, then she will go for advice to a friend of the same age, who, perhaps, will also not know anything about this or will present the situation incorrectly. It is better to prepare for the first menstruation in advance. Together with your daughter, purchase the first sanitary and regular pads, tell and show how to use them. Tell us about tampons, and also that menstruation can start even in school, so it’s important to have a pad in a hidden pocket in your bag.
How to tell a teenager about sex
As an advertisement
Loss of innocence Contrary to popular belief among parents, adolescents do not lose their innocence under the influence of great passions and all-consuming love. Everything is much more prosaic. Most often, an event such as the loss of virginity is planned in advance, and sometimes specifically with a partner with whom a long-term relationship in the future is unlikely.
Many modern teenagers know that the initial experience often brings disappointment and shame. This is why many do not want to continue dating their first partner - a witness to their inability and a source of unpleasant sensations.
American psychologist Melody Graham o.
According to experts from the American Institute of Family Planning, during one of the sociological surveys, when asked the question: “Why do you have sex?” — 100% of boys and girls answered: “Because everyone is doing it.” As sad as it may be, this is the value system in modern society. To be normal means to have sexual intercourse, and to remain a virgin means to be considered at least a “black sheep.”
To talk or not to talk?
Many parents think that if they talk openly with their child about sex, then they can give him the idea not to limit himself to theory, but to try to practice in this area. In fact, this is not so. Family planning specialist Judith Patt says: “Waiting for your child to ask is taking a huge risk. Start this conversation when the child still depends on you emotionally, when you are still an authority for him, only in this case will you succeed.”
Some parents fear that because they are not sexologists, they will not be able to adequately convey sexual information to their child. Masters and Johnson note in this regard: “In fact, teaching children to understand questions of sex is no more difficult than teaching them many other things. For example, to show a child how to work in a garden, it is not at all necessary to have a degree in agriculture. It's pointless to expect your child to start asking you about letters if you don't show him the ABC book. Likewise, don’t wait for him to talk about sex; take the initiative to discuss the topic.”
The more liberal you are with teenagers, the more promiscuous they become
Strange as it may seem, it’s just the opposite. For example, in the USA they approach the problem of teenage sex from a strict puritanical position. And what are the results of this approach? Currently, in the United States, more than 50% of girls and 60% of boys between the ages of 15 and 18 have already had sexual intercourse.
But in Europe (France, Germany, the Netherlands) they approach this problem more liberally and consider the sex life of teenagers to be the norm. And as research shows, despite the liberal attitude towards sex adopted in Europe, teenagers begin to be sexually active a year or even two later than in America.
In the United States, teenagers become sexually active on average at about 16 years of age, and in Holland - at almost 18 years of age. In France, there are 9 births per 1,000 teenage girls aged 15 to 19, in Germany - 13, and in Holland, famous for its sexual liberation, there are only 7 young mothers per thousand.
The corresponding figures for the United States are 54.7 births among teenage girls per thousand. According to scientists, these differences are not explained by the fact that European teenagers are more likely to have abortions. On the contrary, in Holland abortions are performed three times less often than in the United States, and in France two times less often. As for AIDS, the picture is the same here. In France, per 1000 adolescents and adults there are an average of 0.75 HIV-infected or sick people, in Germany - 0.20, in Holland - 0.28, in the USA - 2.33.
To prevent teenagers from starting to have sex early, they need to be intimidated by the sad consequences of this
Vovochka sits in class in the third grade and thinks: “Should I quit smoking? I'm already used to it. Should I stop drinking? The class will laugh. And then Tanka from 2nd “B” became pregnant. Svetka from 3rd "A" is walking to the left..." - Vovochka! What is two and two? - asks the teacher. “Four,” Vovochka answers with a sigh. - Eh, Marya Ivanovna, I would like your concerns. From school stories.
This approach is largely characteristic of the United States. Currently, the United States is the only Western industrialized country with an official government program aimed at promoting sexual abstinence among adolescents. A 1996 law reform prohibited the use of any federal funds to disseminate information about contraceptives, condoms, or sexually transmitted diseases. According to American statesmen, the “leakage” of such information contributes to promiscuous relations. Nevertheless, such connections among American teenagers are not decreasing. And, for example, in France, information about sex, methods of preventing sexually transmitted diseases and contraception is not a secret; it is publicly available. And there is no increase in the depravity of youth.
Sexologists and psychologists have recently come to the conclusion that teenagers do not need to be intimidated and shamed, they need to be raised correctly. And then everything will be all right.
Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny offer a few simple rules to follow when discussing gender issues with children:
Try to conduct the conversation in the most natural manner possible, as when discussing any other topic.
Avoid long lectures on sexual issues. It may take you a quarter of an hour to put out everything you think is necessary. However, the child cannot remain attentive for so long; he wants to ask questions and receive specific short answers.
Make sure that your story is not limited to biological facts; the child will want to know about your attitude, experiences and decisions towards them.
Don't be afraid to tell your child "too much" about sex. Anything he did not understand will almost certainly disappear from his memory.
If your child uses obscene words, calmly explain their meaning, and then tell him why you don't want him to do it. You could say, for example, “It would be very unpleasant for other people to hear those words,” or “I don't think that's the best way to talk about how you feel.”
Remember that anger or jokes about your child's use of obscene words will most often encourage him to repeat them.
Try to name your genitals correctly, avoiding words like “pipka” or “pipiska” to denote them.
Even preschool-age children should know how to protect themselves from sexual abuse. This means that you must teach your child to say “no” to adults. Here is an example of a conversation on this topic with a four- or five-year-old child: “You know that it is sometimes difficult for adults to find friends. So they get to know the children. There is nothing wrong. But if they ask to do things that adults should not ask children to do (for example, put their hands in their pants), you must answer “no” and immediately run and tell me about everything” (Zalaga, 1982).
Conversations about approaching puberty should begin before the child reaches adolescence. Physical changes (including breast development, menstruation and wet dreams) may appear before the age of ten.
Boys need to be taught about menstruation, and girls need to understand what an erection means. Don't neglect to discuss issues such as homosexuality and prostitution. Most children learn about these phenomena from television programs or read about them, which arouses a very natural curiosity. Tell us, without hiding anything, about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. But try to do this taking into account the child's reaction. After all, there is no need to scare a five- or six-year-old child by telling him that AIDS is fatal. On the other hand, if you wait to have this conversation until your child reaches adolescence, it is unlikely to benefit him. Even elementary school students should know what AIDS is and how it is transmitted.
Try not to make your child feel embarrassed asking you questions about gender issues. Don't tell him, "You're too young to understand this." If a child asks a specific question, he should receive the rosary and the answer in a form that is accessible to him.
If you can't answer your child's question, don't be afraid to admit it. Contact someone more knowledgeable, such as your family doctor; it will help you find the information you need.
After answering your child's question, make sure he understands your words. Also check to what extent your answer corresponds to what the child really wanted to know. It’s very good if after your conversation he has new questions.”
Source: https://erolib.ru/index.php?newsid=12997
Hair, smell and breasts
Puberty changes a woman's body. Breasts begin to grow, so encourage your teenage girl to choose several bras that will make her feel comfortable. Organize your own lingerie shopping spree. Buy something for yourself so that the girl feels and understands that everything that happens to her is normal.
Mom needs to be told about another sign of puberty - hair growth and that body odor may change. In the latter case, you can give your daughter a gift in the form of a new perfume.
Understand your feelings about sex
First of all, you need to understand what exactly you know and feel about sex. After all, if you yourself cannot have a conversation with yourself about sex in your head, then you should not even try to do the same in real life with your child. Read the literature beforehand and watch special videos that will allow you to refresh your memory of everything you need to talk with your children about such a relevant and sensitive topic.
Acne in adolescence
Acne is a common problem in adolescence due to hormonal changes in the body. To prevent a teenage girl from worrying about this, you need to seek help first from a nutritionist who will prescribe proper nutrition, and then from a cosmetologist who will tell you about proper skin care.
Always give examples from your life so that your daughter knows and understands that she is not the only one who finds herself in the situation of adolescence.
Remember yourself as a teenager, so parents need to try to become friends with their daughter, then she herself will come and talk about her problems.
Photo: shutterstock
What is a teenager often interested in?
A small checklist of teenagers’ interests in the field of sex will help you navigate the topics of conversation:
- size and shape of intimate parts of the body;
- correct use of protective equipment;
- offering and refusing sex;
- personal boundaries;
- watching porn;
- masturbation;
- first sexual contact;
- protection from pregnancy and disease;
- non-traditional types of sex.
Many adults are embarrassed to discuss these aspects with teenagers. But it is worth remembering that children will still look for answers to questions that arise.
A calm conversation about sex with your child will help him feel more confident and protect him from early sexual experience, unwanted pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases.
