Man is a social being, so comparing oneself with others is at the level of reflexes. Society presents comparison as the norm to evaluate achievements. But this process can become both destructive and fill it with resources. How this happens - read the article.
My name is Irina Zhuravel. I am a psychologist, energy therapist, theta healer, expert in the field of self-esteem and self-love, trainer of the “Growth Phase” company. And in this article, I will answer frequently asked questions regarding self-esteem and comparing yourself to others.
Read to the end if you are interested in finding out:
- What are the benefits of comparing yourself to others?
- How to extract a resource from this?
- Why is comparison an unconditioned reflex and how to work with it?
Watch the video on our channel to learn how not to compare yourself to others and how to take resources from what we like or don’t like in others.
WHERE DOES THE COMPARISON COME FROM?
Comparing yourself to others can be considered the foundation of self-esteem. If a person is alone in this world, then how can you find out what he is worth and how he evaluates himself if there are no other examples. This is a natural process that works every time we are in society. Here it is customary to look at each other and thus show both common features and differences.
In the process of growing up, a child sooner or later declares himself as an individual. He begins to realize what he is like based on what others say about him.
And here there is a certain risk that the opinions of others will not play in his favor. At the same time, he will come to realize that in some aspects or traits he is superior to others.
It happens that instead of realizing your unconditional value, which is expressed in the fact that from birth a person is loved and beautiful in his manifestation, that initially everything is fine with him, that self-esteem, like a mood, can change - you can only worsen your condition and lose a considerable amount of energy.
How to stop comparing children's behavior to others?
Children technically belong to their parents, but parents are not responsible for the child's temperament. Like eye color, many of the baby's behavioral characteristics are innate. But even knowing this truth, mothers continue to blush for children who are hysterical in the middle of the store or continue to be afraid of new people.
But how can you stop comparing your child with other children if in a restaurant other people’s offspring are calmly drawing with chalk, and yours are starting to throw sharp forks?
How to avoid this trap?
If you see a girl calmly drawing at the table, this does not mean that she has a calm character. Perhaps this child experienced an hour-long tantrum in the morning, after which he came to balance and sat down to draw peacefully. In 20 minutes, this girl can turn into a “demon”, like your children now.
Do not exclude discipline and correction of negative behavior from family life. Discipline is especially important when children deliberately destroy objects or put themselves in danger.
But don't compare your child with other children. Just accept the fact that he is different from your friend’s child. If you love communication, your baby does not have to be relaxed in public. Give your child the right to be shy and hide behind his mother’s long skirt. If you love sports, your heir has the right to be afraid of the ball. This shows the child’s individuality, unlike those of the same age. Recognition of a child's individuality is the best gift for a child.
Remember that constant comparison with others leads to insecurity - both for mother and child.
Comparison of family relationships with other couples
The birth of a child can bring a lot of negativity into the relationship between spouses. The husband may refuse to feed the baby at night or help with cleaning the kitchen. If a friend with an “ideal assistant husband” appears in the background, the situation will only get worse.
How to avoid this trap?
RESOURCES IN COMPARISON
In comparison, there are only 2 options for development: either a person looks at it as a resource and a desire to achieve more, or abandons it and moves on to searching for internal motivation. Why does this happen and how?
There are many negative beliefs in society around comparing yourself to others. But at the same time, people do not notice that they can benefit from this in the form of a desire for development. For example, if one woman sees another woman, but more successful, happier, driving a new car, then she sees herself in her own untapped potential.
The resource will manifest itself in the form of goals using real examples, which will provide space for her to look at herself differently. If she sees a brand new Ferrari, a happy bride or a successful businesswoman, then most likely it is about herself, about the opportunities that she has not yet discovered.
I always advise looking at comparison as resource potential. But if resentment, indignation, envy, or, moreover, a desire to take something away from a person emerge inside, it is better to refuse comparison. The way out in this case may be to turn to your “I” and answer the questions: “Who am I?”, “What is unique about me?”, “Why am I not like everyone else and why is this good news? " And it’s better to set goals based not on external factors, but on internal ones. They should stem from an awareness of your true desires and what only makes you happy.
How to become a happy woman, see yourself and the situation from the outside, establish relationships with a man and understand his psychology, we will tell you in the free online course “Man: honest instructions for use without drama and manipulation.”
INTERNAL CONFLICT
Of course, comparison allows you to see your potential, set the right goals and move towards them. But at the same time, it is important to understand that often the reason for comparing oneself with others is low self-esteem, uncertainty, certain traumatic programs, based on beliefs: “there is something wrong with you,” “you are not good enough,” “you do not deserve more.” .
In the case when the inner critic constantly provokes you into negative thoughts and emotions towards yourself, the goals achieved most likely will not make you happy.
Why is this happening? Because by satisfying beautiful desires, comparison seems to stop, because the thought arises: “Now I am the same.” But there is no feeling of happiness, because the question was different.
If you have encountered this, I recommend focusing on what makes you compare your life with someone else’s, find that inner child who cries and wants to be held and told: “You are loved. Are you all right. There are other people around - more successful ones. But you have other strengths and I love you. Know that for me you are the most valuable and important.”
Imagine a school bench and two students in front of a blackboard. One of them solved the problem, but the other did not. And now they are at a labor lesson. And the one who solved the mathematical equation failed his wood carving homework, and the other one, accordingly, did it easily.
This example shows that you cannot compare two people with different abilities and talents, even if they are similar in some ways. And if you are not good at mathematics, there is no need to compare yourself to someone who lives in numbers.
SHOULD YOU COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHERS?
There is a resourceful way to compare: yourself today and 5 years ago. Ask yourself what you have achieved during this time, how many transformations have you gone through, what have you realized or what mistakes have you made? Create your own scale to track your progress. If there had not been that path, then perhaps there would not have been those emotions, feelings, relationships, and most importantly, you would not have become yourself.
Should you compare yourself to others? To answer this question for yourself, remember a recent situation when you compared yourself with others and ask counter questions:
- How do I feel now?
- How do I feel after comparing myself to others?
If after this comparison you have a desire to achieve, set goals for yourself, you access the resource and are inspired, perhaps for you this is what is worth doing, which will reveal your potential.
If the opposite happens: you are depressed, feel exhausted, your own insignificance and self-esteem plummets, then why this comparison? Stop yourself at this point and realize that this is not your way of setting goals. You are better suited to act from within - from your value, not determined by external factors.
Let me give you an example. Imagine two women. One of them lives in a small, simple house outside the city, and the second, thanks to her work and perseverance, settled in the center of the capital and drives a luxurious, expensive car. Everyone will think about her that everything turned out well for her, but they will not understand that often behind the external picture there are many problems hidden: with health, family, and so on. Having success and popularity, she may not feel satisfaction, harmony, or happiness.
In this case, then fear and the problem of how to maintain it or reach new heights arise. She will do all this not for the sake of her happiness, but for the sake of approval, because inside there will be questions: “What if I don’t achieve?”, “Am I unworthy of love?”
You can minimize the impact of your destructive attitudes by asking yourself, regardless of external factors or the conditions in which you find yourself: “Am I satisfied with myself?” and “Am I loved?” And the more inner love is felt, the more the focus will be on virtues and values. And the desire to achieve will come from “I want, I wish, I love,” and not from proof of one’s own importance.
I told you how to achieve the state of a happy woman and live from your true desires in an article about the resource state.
Why can't we compare children with other children? Or how to do this without harming yourself and the baby?
In the ability to sit, crawl and walk, a real gap forms between babies. At such a moment, parents like to compare the child with other children: “Look, Alyoshka is already crawling, but we walk with great difficulty. Maybe we have a developmental delay?
It's difficult to get around this trap. At such a moment, a woman begins to feel guilty, consider herself a bad mother, unable to make her own child the best.
Undoubtedly, such observation is necessary. By comparing children with other peers, we can diagnose developmental disorders in a timely manner. It is only important to avoid extremes.
How to avoid this trap?
Keep in mind that it takes a long time to develop a certain skill. If a six-month-old baby speaks only 1-2 words compared to a peer whose vocabulary consists of a dozen words, this is not a reason for stress. Until the age of 3, a child will have plenty of time to fill his vocabulary with new words and learn to use them correctly.
An American pediatrician from the University of Massachusetts, Darshak Sanghavi, notes that the speed of learning new skills has little to do with the child’s future potential. She urges not to worry if, when comparing a child with others, parents notice a delay in development.
Sanghavi reminds: if the baby starts walking late, this will not affect his future fate. Many parents are tempted to think this way and compare children with peers. However, research shows that the pace of a child’s development is not a reason for worry or suspicion.
How to stop comparing your child with other children?
- Enjoy the skills your child has now. This will help you ground yourself in the present and stop fantasizing about an imaginary future. If your baby can’t walk, watch how funny he crawls, catching the carpet with his feet. Take more photos and videos to better remember the unique moment. Soon the little one will start walking and there will be no time left for the camera - he will have to run after him.
- Remember, you cannot force a child to master a new skill until he is fully mature. Continue learning, but don’t think that the number of poems you read will make your child speak faster.
- All mothers are tempted to take credit for their child's achievements. Remember, it's dangerous, and so are comparisons. One day your child may be praised for a perfectly put together puzzle, but a minute later you will realize how poorly he speaks compared to others and you will feel like a bad mother.
