What to do if your husband wants a virgin?

What is parthenophobiai

Parthenophobia is translated from Greek as “fear of a girl.” But we are not just talking about the young creation of a female individual. A man is afraid of one little thing in a girl's body. This is the hymen. Simply put, he is afraid of a virgin.

In the early stages, the pathology is more of a psychological nature. But after some time it turns into a real problem when the help of psychiatrists is needed. This happens due to the hidden course of the phobia, which is disguised as embarrassment or other character traits. Often they do not pay much attention to parthenophobia, preferring to sidestep the problem, avoiding virgins in communication. Some manage to simply exclude virgins from possible sexual partners, while others cannot even simply communicate with “pure” girls. The degree of the disease is different for everyone, and so is its manifestation. But, if there is a suspicion of the development of parthenophobia, then it is necessary to solve the problem that has arisen.

How does parthenophobia arise?

The most unpleasant thing about this disorder is that it appears at different ages in men. As a rule, it does not have any other forms. This is immediately a pathological condition. The fact is that it progresses very quickly. Of course, prerequisites are necessary: ​​nothing happens out of the blue.

• Upbringing. One of the reasons why this pathology develops is upbringing. Too strict parents put pressure on the boy. Beneath the good intentions of raising a true gentleman lies a real family dictatorship. Fearing adolescence and the adventures that accompany it, parents begin to convince the young man that communicating with young ladies can harm him. Moreover, all this is served under the sauce of high morality and piety. Under the imaginary nobility, the teenager is told that defaming a girl is a shame. That after this action it is necessary to get married. That a pure and immaculate girl is a bud that costs a lot to pluck. All these admonitions, as a rule, work exactly as parents need: the guy shys away from girls like the devil from incense. Being already depressed due to the excessive control of his parents, he is not able to sensibly assess his positions, much less defend them. But with all these bells and whistles in upbringing, a young man can quite calmly have intimate contact with an experienced lady.

• Unsuccessful first sexual intercourse. This is perhaps the main reason why this phobia develops. As a rule, the first sexual experience occurs in adolescence, at the age of 16–17. At this age, the risk of running into a virgin is very high. Young men have a hard time having sexual intercourse for the first time. Inexperience, misunderstanding of the processes taking place, ignorance of basic things, leads to the fact that sex among young people is more reminiscent of puppy fuss. Not everyone can cope with a ruptured hymen. The girl is tense, her vaginal muscles are in spasm. On top of that, losing your virginity can be very painful. There is a fear of hurting the beloved, and it is also visible to the naked eye that the partner is by no means in ecstasy. Overexertion of a young man can lead to the disappearance of an erection or early ejaculation. This moment has a huge impact on the teenager. Of course, due to his lack of education in this matter, fear grows. It can become firmly entrenched in the subconscious. If at the same time there is not one such experience, but several, then parthenophobia begins to develop by leaps and bounds.
• Bleeding and pain. Men, oddly enough, do not tolerate the sight of blood well. Defloration may be accompanied by slight bleeding. The sight of a “friend” smeared with blood can drive anyone crazy. If at the moment of deprivation of virginity pathological bleeding occurs, then fainting is not far away. A mixture of fear, disgust and disgust leads to the development of parthenophobia in a teenager.

• Features of appearance. Not the most common way to develop a phobia. But it does exist. The appearance of the female genital organs, especially if it is non-standard, can cause disgust in a man. Smell often plays a role. Taken together, these details can lead to the collapse of a young man’s intimate life.

Why are men afraid of virgins?

There is a tendency that people most often choose partners who are experienced in terms of love relationships. Of course, there are exceptions - men who value purity and virginity in a girl, but the further modernity goes, the less this trend becomes. The opinion remains about the importance of a girl’s morality where the patriarchal structure still reigns supreme. Moving to modernity, big cities and people free from prejudices, virginity often becomes a repulsive factor. For example, in many cultures of the world it is believed that if a girl is a virgin, then simply no one has ever liked her, which means there is something wrong with her.

Why does virginity often become a repulsive factor?

Firstly, men who give sexual life one of the main roles in relationships believe that a girl should be able to satisfy her partner. Secondly, the man fears that if he is the girl’s first, she will remain hanging on his neck all her life (female psychology).

What's really going on? In fact, the man is sure that if the girl has never had such experience, then “her first time” will not bring him anything good, in fact, then why is it needed at all? This is also an established stereotype, because many girls know everything about sex, they just never “practised”, so to speak. This does not mean at all that they are afraid of something, that they are frightened or will receive psychological trauma. One way or another, a stereotype is always bad, each person is individual in his character and attitude towards such things. Even in the course of communicating with a girl, you can understand how she generally feels about the topic of sex, whether she is embarrassed, or does not want to touch on such topics even as a joke. It happens that a girl freely communicates on the topic of sex life, even misses jokes herself and laughs without embarrassment at similar jokes of her interlocutors. This is an indicator of a person’s attitude, because if you have never jumped with a parachute, this does not mean that you are afraid of it, right? Not in all cases.

Another point worth noting is that experience in sexual activity is not always an indicator of some kind of skill. No matter how funny it may sound, a girl can turn out to be much better in bed than an experienced woman, because this again depends on character, charisma and other, including biological and genetic indicators. So, it’s impossible to say that a virgin is scary just based on your own assumptions based on stereotypes. By the way, many girls, despite their physiological virginity, are not such psychologically, because they could have sex of a different kind, they could simply often watch some films and the like. That is, physical virginity is not at all an indicator of a person’s attitude towards this, much less any fears.

Another important point is what happens between people. Crazy passion can lead to sexual intercourse of such power that you would never believe that the girl was a virgin until that very moment. That is, a girl’s fears directly depend on her partner, on her trust in him, on the feelings that she experiences or does not experience. And you need to understand that sexual experience and intelligence are in no way related to each other, that is, the girl will not be tied to her partner like a tail. Of course, there are such cases, but again this is the character of a certain girl who goes to the store for bread only to the same seller, this had to be understood at the level of simple communication. In other cases, the girl naturally will not forget her first partner, but she knows how to separate sex from feelings, from relationships. So, as I hope you already understand, there is no need to be afraid of girls, you need to understand them with your head, and not measure them with stereotypes.

More on the topic:

Virginity - all the pros and cons

When love is a sacrifice, not a sin...

The husband and wife lived for a long time, but they were virgins

The history of sex of all times and peoples

Signs of parthenophobia3

It is difficult to notice the initial moment when this disorder invades the human psyche. Parthenophobia is too skillfully disguised as character traits or strict upbringing. But the frequency of occurrence of symptoms can still be traced:

• Spasmodic sensation in the throat. When communicating with a virgin, a young man may feel throat spasms.
• Lack of air. Choking occurs, inhalation is done with little difficulty. In severe cases, a symptom similar to an attack of bronchial asthma is observed.
• Weakness in the limbs. Tremor of arms and legs. A man may experience some stiffness in his movements.
• Impaired coordination of movements.
• Dizziness.

• Tachycardia.
• Increased sweating.
• Fainting state.
• An attack of hypertension or hypotension.
• Nausea, vomiting.
• Fear of going crazy or fear of death.
• An adult or older person is at risk of having a heart attack or stroke.

All these signs are similar to panic attacks. At first they look like simple excitement or embarrassment. But as the problem grows, they turn into real panic attacks.

The manifestation of the disease occurs during a stressful situation. And if at first the attack begins immediately at the moment of intimate intimacy, then it subsequently develops during direct communication with a virgin. What is characteristic: the development of a panic attack can stop if a man receives information in the process of communication that the girl is deprived of her virginity, and at the same time it can begin if the young lady reports her.

Men with this disorder prefer not to tempt fate and sharply limit communication with the opposite sex, nullifying any hints of intimacy. In the future, a person cannot cope with his condition on his own and the help of a specialist becomes a necessity.

Risk group4

The risk group for this disease may include representatives of various age groups, since this disease can begin at any age. After all, there are a lot of prerequisites for development. Basically, of course, it all starts at an early age. The risk group includes:

• Childhood and adolescence. A child or teenager may experience serious stress related to intimacy during their growing years. He may witness parental sexual intercourse, violence, inappropriate behavior of peers, unsuccessful sexual contact, especially if it is the first.
• Mature age. The risk of this disease is high in people of the older age group due to reduced sexual activity. Roughly speaking, after a long period of abstinence. Also, parthenophobia can occur in a man who has not previously experienced such problems when his partner is much younger than him. Here, fear of criminal prosecution can be a trigger, especially if the partner hid her age and was a minor. Social reproach also has an impact on a man’s condition.
• Elderly age. In old age, parthenophobia can develop as a result of fear for your granddaughter. Men of this age are especially sensitive to such information. And if at first the anxiety is associated with a loved one, then later it can spread to any representative of this age. The man begins to associate all the girls with his relative.

Why are some men afraid of virgins?

The question of why men are afraid of virgins arises no less often. This is due to the fact that some men are afraid to meet girls who have not yet had sex. Most often, this fear is associated with numerous problems that can happen during the very first sex.

• If a man is not at all interested in building a serious relationship, then there is a high probability that he will give preference to a girl who has already had relationships with others. Then the likelihood of any problems arising during sexual intercourse will be reduced to zero. This is especially important for young and inexperienced guys who do not intend to get married in the coming years.
• There is a high probability that sooner or later they will want to have sex, but virgin girls are not predisposed to sex with men who are not ready for a serious relationship. This means that they can refuse the young man. Largely due to the likelihood of refusal, men do not want to meet virgins.

Another fear is related to the fact that deflowering means that the girl will become very attached to her sexual partner. Then we can expect that if he wants to leave the girl, he will not be able to do this. Some young ladies are willing to do anything to keep their partner (with whom they lost their virginity), so they may threaten suicide.

Just in order to protect themselves from unnecessary problems, young people try to avoid relationships with virgins. It seems to them that for short-term relationships it is better to choose girls who have already had sexual experience.

Treatment methods5

Like any phobia, this disease is treatable. In the early stages, you can get rid of fear by contacting a psychologist. But this is possible provided that the fear of virgins is identified early, at the stage of simple embarrassment. Then classes with a specialist do not require deeper intervention and medication. In more advanced cases, the help of a psychotherapist, and sometimes a psychiatrist, is required.

To solve the problem, experts use various methods. But they all come together as a complex. It is impossible to separate them and carry out treatment in stages: first, long heart-to-heart conversations, and then only pills. Treatment is complex. The main methods used by specialists to treat parthenophobia are:

• Hypnotherapy. The name itself gives a fairly complete picture of the method of treatment. Hypnosis allows you to penetrate into the deep layers of the patient’s subconscious and carry out serious work to get rid of the root causes of the disease. In this way, you can get to the bottom of things, bring to the surface what was forgotten by the patient. Hypnotherapy works especially well if the cause of the disease is hidden in childhood. Hypnosis also allows you to influence a person’s worldview in order to change his perception of the surrounding reality.
• Neurolinguistics (NLP). NLP is similar to hypnotherapy. This happens by constructing in a special way not only the conversation, but also the phrases themselves, alternating words. As a result, the person talks through the whole situation himself and comes to the conclusion that the problem does not exist. In addition, NLP allows you to give certain instructions to the patient. Unlike hypnotherapy, NLP acts more gently and does not create the feeling of imposing someone else's will. The patient himself brings himself to the correct attitude towards the object of fear and models his behavior. From the outside, it looks like a normal conversation, and only a specialist is able to figure out what is happening during the conversation. NLP is the second most powerful method of influencing a person after hypnotherapy. But still, psychotherapists do not recommend using it often, since the direction of the treatment vector can be unpredictable.

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This method is widely used to treat panic attacks and phobias throughout the world. Its gentle effect and high results have been proven everywhere. CBT works to change a person's thinking. The patient finds confirmation that it is not the situation that is to blame for his problem, but his personal attitude towards it. In simple terms, they prove to a person that he has an incorrect assessment of what is happening as a result of an incorrect attitude towards it. In the future, the patient simply changes his attitude to what is happening. What was bad became good. A striking example of CBT is raising a child in a family. What his parents instilled and instilled in him is the truth. In the case of treating parthenophobia, CBT works in the same way. A person is changed in his truth, his attitude towards the situation. We can say that the man is simply being re-educated. In some situations, when a person becomes more resistant to stress, they can use practical methods, that is, force them to communicate with a virgin directly, but under the supervision of a specialist, then sorting out the situation.

Only a high-level specialist can apply all of the above treatment methods. The school psychologist, alas, is powerless here. The maximum that a person of his level of training can do is recognize the onset of the disease in a private conversation. Further treatment should be carried out under the supervision of an experienced specialist within a medical institution. After all, only a doctor can prescribe treatment support with medications if the need arises.

It should be mentioned that parthenophobia is not a serious illness. She is being treated quite successfully. In some cases, one or two sessions are enough to get rid of the fear of virgins and begin to live a full life without parthenophobia.

What to do if your husband wants a virgin?

Hello, Inna!

The issue of preserving and maintaining family relationships is a very important issue.

I have no doubt that your husband loves and appreciates you, because

he got married knowing that you had a relationship before him, which means that he accepted the responsibility for creating a relationship, a family with you. And personally, you do everything possible to meet the ideal of a good wife, you have two children, you look after yourself, him, and the house.

However, he cannot leave the thought of finding a virgin, thereby fulfilling the internal need to realize himself as a man who is the first for his woman.

The issue of virginity for Muslim men, as far as I know, is very important, and “being the first man for her” is more of a value than a complex that has not yet been realized for him.

However, what to do about his obsession?

To begin with, understand the reason for the need, why is this need valuable to him?

Question of redefining concepts: think about what is more important for your husband - virginity or chastity?

If you look at virginity as chastity, while chastity may presuppose that a girl could have relationships with men, then the attitude and understanding of the issue changes.

A chaste person is one who protects himself from adultery and completely abandons everything that was done wrong, sincerely devoting himself to one man.

While virginity may not equal chastity, for example, a girl has not had any men, she is not ready to be faithful in thoughts and actions for one man. If for your husband it is not important what a woman is oriented towards and what is inside her, but only the fact of virginity is important, then it is likely that the reason is physical sensations - the opportunity to experience new sensations.

Having understood the reason for the “obsession” or behavior, make a small plan for yourself by answering a few questions:

— what way out of this situation do I want to get, possible options for events: minimum, optimum, maximum for myself?

- what can I do to get the minimum, optimal, maximum result (what depends on you, your actions).

- what could be an alternative solution for the husband so that the desire to find a virgin disappears (here look at the question from the outside, as if “through the eyes of your husband,” and write down the options).

By answering these questions, I believe you will understand what the right thing to do in your case!

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