Vladimir Vysotsky once said:
In this world, I value only loyalty. Without this, you are nothing and you have no one. Loyalty in life is the only currency that will never lose value.
Yes, yes, that’s exactly what the brilliant classic said, who... cheated on his lovers with enviable consistency. True, Vladimir Semenovich by the concept of “loyalty” could have meant something else, not related to romantic relationships with women, but, for example, strong male friendship.
However, you must agree that any human relationship, be it friendship or love, implies such a concept as “loyalty” or “devotion.” And each of us harbors the hope of finding that very desired relationship (both love and strong friendship) that absolutely excludes betrayal or betrayal.
So Vysotsky appreciated this, however, he also could not save his beloved. He cheated on them, like many other carriers of the Y chromosome. Well, what did you want? As statistics inexorably say, about ninety percent of men on planet Earth commit infidelity. The numbers are terrifying, plunging the beautiful half of humanity into despondency.
As Etienne Ray said: - in fidelity there is a little laziness, a little fear, a little calculation, a little fatigue, a little passivity, and sometimes even a little fidelity.
In other words, adhering to his logic, vile cheaters can be justified something like this: if you are not at all lazy, not a coward (a rather reckless comrade), absolutely incapable of thinking more or less logically, planning and analyzing your actions, plus, on top of everything, hyperactive, tirelessly ready for “exploits”, then whatever one may say, you are a 100% potential traitor! Or maybe not even potential anymore! And the best thing is the real one! Who has cheated, is cheating and will cheat on his halves! And although it seems like you can’t forgive betrayal, it’s as if you’re not to blame for it! Well, you were just born this way! And a bunch of famous and venerable psychologists, and just a lot of world-famous people, will definitely find a million excuses for this phenomenon. Like, what did you want - it’s “nature”! Monogamy has long lost its relevance and has ceased to be interesting to both sexes! It's even boring! Cheating strengthens marriage and brings bright colors to monotonous family life! How can this not be done? Treason can and should be forgiven, since in such situations both are always to blame!
Is it really both? And are these “bright colors” introduced by the betrayal of a loved one really necessary? And is it necessary to forgive betrayal? Shall we figure it out?
By and large, we will consider male infidelity, since it is impossible not to note that wives cheat on their husbands much less often and this is still the same stubborn statistics. Although the following may also apply to women.
Let us first try to identify the reasons for marital betrayal. By and large there are only two of them:
How to forgive your husband for cheating?
The answer to this question causes very great resistance among women, because it brings even more pain than it was before. It is as follows. A woman should accept the following thought: “If this happened to me, then it’s fair.”
Such a thought usually causes a very large number of negative emotions in most women. “How can this be fair? I’m faithful, I don’t cheat!”, or “I’m a good wife, I do everything, I try my best, but he cheated on me - how can this be fair?!” - this is what almost any woman will think first of all in response to the proposal to accept betrayal as a fair situation.
At first glance, it may seem that this is some kind of nonsense, that only a person who does not understand what he is talking about can advise such a thing. The question is “How to forgive your husband for cheating?”, and the answer seems to be “it’s my own fault.” So what?
Not this way. There is one big “but” here: what seems unfair to us from our point of view, most often turns out to be very fair if you look at the situation from the other side. That is, if we stand in the middle of the city, we see in front of us houses, some street, shops, and so on. But if we go up to the roof of a multi-story building, then we can already see the size of this city, we see where this street leads, we see where it starts.
The same thing happens in a situation with betrayal: if we look at it from the point in which we are now, we can conclude that it is unfair. But if you look at the same situation from a different position, from a higher point, it often turns out that it (the situation) is very fair. And forgiveness can only be done when a woman comes to understand what exactly this justice consists of. But the justice of each specific betrayal varies, and it depends on the character of the man, the character of the woman, the events taking place, etc. and so on.
I have never been able to forgive my husband...
I know that many will say that I am wrong, and I should be happy with how everything turned out. But this lie eats me up from the inside...
My husband and I have been married for a long time, and everything seems to be fine with us, we have two wonderful daughters... Of course, there were serious quarrels, a couple of times there were threats of divorce - but this is rare, probably like everyone else. But one day, after another friendly evening with friends, when we were all discussing men’s infidelities, I came home, my husband was already asleep, and I climbed into his laptop... The wine went to my head, and despite the fact that everything was going quietly for us and smoothly, I began to scour his mail, complaining that his phone was probably under his pillow and out of reach. God, how now I regret that I found that letter...
Not even a letter, but a whole correspondence, preserved in a hidden folder. In his last letter, he said that their relationship could no longer continue, because if they continued to be together, he would destroy his family, but he “loves” us. He asked her for forgiveness for leaving her... He said that he couldn’t forget this relationship, that it was changing him, and he couldn’t fight it... In general, he left her... He apologized and repeated the words of separation again and again.
I quietly wiped away my tears... Then I began to read the previous letters. In them, they took turns confessing their love to each other, quarreling, being jealous of each other... There was a whole life there. It turned out that she already had a child from a previous marriage, and also... She was beautiful. And he seems kind. In general, I hated her even more because she seemed good to me. And he loved her... He advised her about a promotion, she told her how much she needed to do before her son entered school, he supported her. They were like family...
And in one of the last letters she writes that she feels how he has moved away after that incident... Her delays. Everything worked out well, she was not pregnant, but apparently, it was this fact that became decisive for him.
The separation letter was sent a year ago. That is, they have already broken up for a year, but for some reason he keeps all these letters... I was beside myself. I called my friend, she made me leave the mail and turn off the laptop, I went to the balcony and cried there for 3 hours, complaining on the phone about my beloved man who cheated on me.
Everything was forgotten, it had to be forgotten, in the morning I decided not to tell him anything. He decided that I had just had too much at the bar, I said that I really felt bad, and he believed it. The first week I couldn’t stand it when he touched me, even just when he put his hand on my shoulder, I was shaking all over.
But I tried to reason logically: he chose us, he stayed with his family, I must forgive him, I love him... When a week later he tried to persuade me to take marital responsibilities, I announced that I had cystitis, said that a month “ no, no,” and in general, I take antibiotics - because of them, I’m irritated and angry. He became embarrassed and stopped insisting. And then it somehow cooled down, because I tried with all my might to forget everything and move on with my life. I convinced myself that I could forget, and I believed it myself...
Now, 4 months have passed since I found out about the betrayal. Everything seems to have fallen into place, but sometimes I just hate him madly: when he looks at others, or sits at the computer for too long, when he dares to be jealous of me... I want to scream, hit him, tell him everything! I have never been able to forgive him, and I don’t know if I can. I understand that perhaps too little time has passed, but sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, I dream of their letters, their hot hugs... When I wake up, I run away from him into another room, and cannot fall asleep until the morning... I love him, and at the same time I hate him. He was able to forgive himself, but I couldn’t. I don’t know, maybe I should listen to myself and tell him that I know everything? Or leave silently? I admit, such thoughts come to me more and more often... I don’t know what will happen next to our family, and I’m afraid that this is the beginning of a big end...
I STILL COULD NOT FORGIVE MY HUSBAND... CONTINUED. CONVERSATION FOR TWO
An example of betrayal and forgiveness
The reasons for cheating can be different. As an example, let's look at one of the many possible causes. So, one of the most common reasons that leads to betrayal is the situation when a man becomes the center of a woman’s life. That is, when she literally cannot look at him enough, she looks at him as at God, she connects her whole life only with him. In such a situation, a woman, first of all, considers herself as his wife, and only then is she a person, only then is she a mother, and so on. This is excessive attachment to a man.
This attachment is formed gradually: some kind of jealousy gradually accumulates, the fear of losing a man gradually accumulates, minor grievances gradually accumulate, and so on. And all this often happens subconsciously, so for a person who is not interested in psychology, it is almost impossible to track the moment when this happened. When this happens, the woman begins to shift responsibility for her life to the man. In such a situation, it is the man who is responsible for her level of happiness, for her well-being, for her mood, for everything that happens and does not happen in her life.
At the same time, the man subconsciously feels an excessive load, he feels that it is hard and bad for him. I would like to emphasize that this happens on a subconscious level - a man often does not realize what causes his such a state. He just feels like he doesn't feel well. And different men are looking for different ways out of this “bad thing” and, again, most often completely unconsciously. Some drink, others get sick, others cheat, etc. Since the topic of my article directly concerns betrayal, I will consider this particular case in more detail.
So, let's say a woman is overly attached to a man. Why do some men begin to cheat in such a situation? A man is attracted to another woman simply because she gives him what his wife does not. And it is very wrong to believe that it is only sex. Indeed, there is a separate category of men who cannot settle on one partner, and they cheat constantly, but this is a completely different situation. Now I am looking at a normal family in which another woman suddenly appears. What does she give that her wife doesn’t give?
It gives a man a feeling of freedom. She unloads him from what his wife loads him with. Another woman simply gives him faith in him, gives him some kind of support, she loves him just like that, not expecting him to make her life happy. And the man thus unloads his psyche, and the situation itself is needed in order to “cure” his wife of attachment.
What is the fairness of the situation in the given example? Justice can be formulated as follows: if a woman has created a situation in which she looks at a man as God and cannot live without him, then a situation must necessarily occur that would teach her to live without him. And the man cheats. And the woman, in connection with this, is forced to take this lesson.
How to forgive your husband for betrayal if it occurred precisely because of excessive affection? You can forgive only by realizing this very root cause, by realizing that a woman needs to change something in herself, change her attitude towards a man. But I emphasize that forgiveness should not take place through the experience of guilt: “It’s my fault that he’s cheating on me,” but it’s about realizing responsibility for the situation: “Not only you, but also me, we are both responsible for what's happening now." From this awareness forgiveness is born.
And remember.
Forgiveness is what will help you move on without the burden of grievances and complaints. It doesn't matter whether you stay together or not. If you decide to break up, forgiveness will give you the strength to start a new life without repeating the old experience. If you decide to restore everything, forgiveness will help build new, strong relationships in the family. A consultation with a psychologist will help you understand the reasons for betrayal and find a way out of this situation.
We invite you to purchase the video course Labyrinths of Fate. It will help you build your life correctly and fully, become a strong, harmonious person and realize your true desires.
GuruTest
Cheating is an eternal stumbling block in relationships: while some consider it the norm, while others consider it almost a mortal sin, there is no need to talk about stability and well-being. Unfortunately, the attitude towards female and male infidelity in today's society still remains unequal. A representative of the stronger sex may well be forgiven for another “leftist” or even a short affair, and a lady who dares to have a relationship with her lover will almost certainly be pecked, “rewarded” with many unflattering nicknames and epithets.
But there must be at least some logical justification for such a well-established opinion? Why is female infidelity considered a more serious crime against love than male infidelity?
We decided to find the answer to this question and conducted a small study, which included a mini-survey of our readers. Find out why you can’t forgive a woman’s infidelity: the men we surveyed will help us answer this question. Here are the most popular opinions we were able to obtain during the survey.
“Female infidelity is permanent”
The common opinion, held by the majority of respondents, is that a woman’s infidelity is unforgivable because someone is fundamentally different from a man’s. Representatives of the stronger sex admit that betrayal for them in the vast majority of cases does not mean the collapse of relationships or leaving the family. Most often, this is a way to have fun or get new experiences that there is nowhere else to get. When men cheat, for the most part they do not do it out of dislike for their permanent partner.
But female infidelity, on the contrary, differs radically from male infidelity: if a woman has decided to cheat, then this act will most likely be dictated not by a fleeting desire to unwind and have fun, but by a complete lack of feelings for her current partner. This is why many men, in particular, believe that female infidelity is unforgivable, since it essentially means the collapse of the family and relationships.
But is female infidelity really so different from male infidelity? Can it even be considered a greater offense than male infidelity? We have already clarified this before: read a specially prepared publication and you will find out why female infidelity is much worse than male infidelity.
“Forgiving a woman for cheating is a sign of weakness. This is an act unworthy of a man."
Another opinion, held by some of our readers, is that forgiving a woman’s infidelity for a man is nothing more than a manifestation of weakness. Anyone who turns a blind eye to his partner’s betrayal becomes, by default, a shapeless mattress and a henpecked man.
And there is, perhaps, a rational grain in this. A woman who has received such a gift from an offended but resigned lover’s betrayal actually receives carte blanche for further infidelities: she will still forgive and accept her back.
Often, the generosity with which men forgive women’s infidelities is not perceived by the ladies themselves as generosity and strength. The vast majority of cheaters believe that a man who has forgiven his significant other for such an act has no pride and therefore does not deserve respect.
As you can see, opinions differ: some believe that female infidelity cannot be forgiven because, unlike male infidelity, it is final and irrevocable. Others believe that forgiveness will make a man weak and weak-willed in the eyes of a woman: forgiveness essentially gives the woman permission to continue her adventures.
However, ladies should not relax either. It is not always necessary to turn into an analogue of an all-forgiving “sister of mercy” who turns a blind eye to any signs of a partner’s betrayal. And although the man will probably try to convince you that he needs to be forgiven, try not to do this: this will definitely not end well. We have previously told you why you should not forgive your partner’s betrayal: these are the traps that almost every woman falls into.
Tell us what you think about this: do you think it’s possible to forgive a woman’s infidelity or not? Why do you think there are such different attitudes towards female and male infidelity today? Is the difference between them really that big?
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05.03.2019 04:41
It is possible to forgive betrayal if there is love
But if the love for the person who cheated has not passed, perhaps there will be a desire to continue the relationship and forgive the betrayal. Provided that the partner never does this again and makes every effort to restore a trusting relationship. However, no matter how eloquent the words are, it is still not enough. Often behind beautiful words there is complete indifference and lack of understanding of the reasons for such anger in your soulmate.
To fully restore trust, he needs to become honest and open about everything. Perhaps he will agree, but there is still no guarantee that he will not break his heart in the future.
