How to survive the betrayal of a loved one. Psychologist's advice

I cheat on my husband, although I love him. Why is this happening?

The general gist of the letter:

Hello! Help me please! I can't understand myself. I’m cheating on my husband, but I don’t seem to want to do it, but sometimes it drags me in and only after it’s happened do I understand what I’ve done. I love my husband very much, but this is not the first time I have cheated. All the time I try to break up with my lover, but as soon as I make an appointment to talk and put an end to it, I can’t help but give up on supposedly the last time. The husband doesn’t know anything, but he seems to guess.

When I don’t see the “third wheel” for weeks, I seem to let him go, I don’t love him, but if he writes and asks me to meet, then I lose my head and for some reason I go to him when my husband is on the night shift. What is happening to me? By any chance, am I sick? How to get rid of this phenomenon? I asked my lover if he was going to legitimize our relationship, he made it clear that he was not, since I have two children. Naturally, after this I don’t want to have anything to do with him.

When I quarrel with my husband again, I leave the apartment, immediately call a taxi and again go to my lover, after the treacherous process I calm down. I cheat on my husband like this all the time, I love my husband, but I want to cheat again when I get bored with his composure or accusations of cheating (see How to prove to a husband that his wife has not cheated?)

I understand that I love my husband , but I cheated on him . what to do when I come home and he asks about my whereabouts, I remain silent.

Probably, the man (on the left side) has external attractiveness, behind which there is an emptiness with a physiological antidepressant, in fact, you “fall for” this shell. Potentially, you see your lover better than your spouse, but having lost everything, you will understand the mistake (without loss you won’t understand, so you can try to tell everything to your loved one), perhaps after this all desire to wander around the social network waiting for a message from the homewrecker will disappear. Read: Is it possible to cheat on your husband?

The husband cheated, but says that he loves him - he’s lying (first story).

Quite often in recent days I began to think, is my husband faithful to me at all? Some calls are too suspicious, he takes the phone and runs to another room or toilet, is afraid to talk in front of me, blushes - clearly something is wrong! Previously, I could leave my social network account open, but now it turns out that I have changed the password. I feel like I'm hiding a lot. But I was lucky, I brought him to clean water. One day he forgot to leave contact and I discovered a three-month correspondence with a girl 14 years younger than me. When I'm on the night shift, he rocks it with her. As it turned out, this girl was far from his first; the others left him on their own, apparently realizing what kind of dog he was. He works as a carpenter, I am a manager in a cafe, I do everything for him (I do the housework, I cook, I do the laundry...), sometimes I even buy more gifts than he does, but that doesn’t bother me.

I saw a lot, I’m no longer a girl, so I decided to talk to him calmly without any clarification. He says he loves. But can a loving husband cheat ? This has become very strange, do loving men even cheat? Help me decide, please!

- For the entire period of marriage, you played the role of a mother for your husband, so he got used to you and treats you accordingly. Third-party relationships will not lead to anything good, either she will leave him too, or she will try to win him back, but since he is with you to this day, he is unlikely to leave, since he has settled too comfortably. It’s up to you to decide what to do, but you should understand that these “partyings” will not stop or something serious should affect him, for example, children or a new job, where they will demand an order of magnitude more from him.

Trail of betrayal

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The couple experienced a “drive to the left.” After a serious crisis, people decided to maintain their relationship and stay together. This decision was not easy for them. But they really want to be together. And they can’t. Does not work. This is a text about the “post-operative” stage in the life of a family that has experienced a serious shock - betrayal.

Photo by Alla Shpolyanskaya

Family psychologists believe that sometimes cheating is about the relationship in a married couple.

In a very dangerous, absolutely crooked language of paradoxical behavior, one spouse says to the other: “there is something wrong in our marriage.” It would be better not to use this language.

But if infidelity happened, and after going through a lot the spouses realized how dear they are to each other, then the “message” was probably received. Both spouses saw what was wrong in their relationship.

Avoid excessive feelings of guilt, realizing what led to the betrayal.

Forgetting, starting over with a new leaf, as if nothing had happened, is impossible in most cases known to me. This is very offensive for the one who was not the “initiator of what happened” and is not useful for the one with whom the infidelity occurred.

But an excessive feeling of guilt “as a result of what has been done” can, like an unhealed wound, deplete the potential of a relationship.

I have repeatedly had the opportunity to listen to men’s stories about their own - not at all joyful. You cannot envy the experiences of someone who was unfaithful and decided to stay.

If the “offended party” continues to be constantly offended, in word, deed, facial expressions, and silent reminders of what happened, this is unlikely to help revive the relationship.

It is impossible and pointless to give advice, because each situation is absolutely unique. And people, as a rule, know much better than any experts and specialists what to do with their own lives.

But resentment and bitterness cloud the eyes...

I think every couple going through a similar test needs to understand what the right amount of memories and references to what happened is for them.

What should we call what happened?

It is very important in the first year after “episodes of infidelity” were discovered.

It seems to me that for a couple who has decided to restore a relationship, it is very important to choose the right, not offensive, but not too easy words to describe what happened.

My term “cheating episodes” is not universal. Perhaps it is suitable for those cases where the parallel connection was one-time, unintentional, accidental.

In general, each couple may need to agree on a unique word or phrase that does not re-traumatize.

“This story”… “then” - and many other variations exist.

It is useful to remember that “Whatever you name a yacht, that’s how it will sail.”

And if the name sounds offensive to the one who is “guilty” or too easy for the “victim,” this can give rise to a lot of new and very painful reasons for disagreement.

In general, if people decide to maintain a relationship - to try to maintain a relationship - then understanding the situation strictly in terms of “culprit” - “victim” is not the most working. If there is only one culprit, then the second one has nothing to do with it.

The topic of sharing responsibility should be completed by the time it is decided that the spouses remain together.

There is no need to gloss over or belittle what happened. But if you decide to try to move on with your life, it is important that your actions and words do not indicate otherwise.

Reproaches, insults, constant reminders

Bitter, hurtful words. Most often, they are involuntary, leaving the lips imperceptibly... They are most likely an expression of pain and bitterness, again accumulating inside.

Just like a deep wound during the healing period requires careful observation, treatment, and washing, so the scar (wound) of betrayal will make itself felt for a long time.

If a couple decides to maintain a relationship, they must give the opportunity to restore love.

Asking God to restore it is an opportunity for believers. Not everyone has it.

People who have completely stopped loving each other; They don’t understand why they are together - it’s hardly possible to restore anything.

Whether your love, your relationship, can withstand infidelity is an open question.

What am I doing?

Often people, being in the post-traumatic period, do not understand what exactly they are doing with their relationships...

The decision was made to stay together, and all actions on the surface seem to be aimed at restoration. People, for example, started doing renovations or going on vacation together.

But what comes off the tongue or bursts into action is not at all about restoring relationships.

Consequences that appear gradually

Treason is a shrapnel wound. You may not immediately feel all the many small fragments that have become embedded in the fabric of the family’s life.

And I think that’s good. If everything was clear right away, hardly anyone would decide to try to restore the relationship. Later, when the painful shock passes, very unpleasant thoughts and sensations can overcome with renewed vigor, and this is unexpected for many.

“Whoever remembers the old is out of sight”: is this principle good in such situations?

“Flashback” is a term from psychotherapy that is useful to know for those who are trying to live through the consequences of betrayal.

Flashback is a persistent repetition of traumatic memories or experiences of any modality that occurs without the desire of the person himself.

It happens that a person persistently tries not to remember, to forget, to move on with his life.

But at the most unexpected moment, absolutely without asking, memories come flooding back. It could be a sound, a smell, a place, a thought, a coincidence of dates. And the person, absolutely against his will, finds himself transported by an internal time machine back to the painful moments of his past, finds himself in a labyrinth of unpleasant memories, from which there seems to be no way out.

One of my teachers in psychotherapy said that it is useful to offer those who suffer from flashbacks of this kind a simple verbal formula: “That was THEN, and what is now NOW.” And I know a lot of people who have been helped by this practice in living through various flashbacks, not only those related to betrayal.

Stages of experiencing betrayal and its consequences based on the concepts of trauma theory:

Betrayal is a classic example of psychological trauma. And if you like various kinds of theories about periods of mental life, then the theory of trauma can be applied to the situation of betrayal.

In short, the stages are as follows:

“victim” - the period of learning about the betrayal and the first time after.

“survivor” - an indefinite period of time after the initial shock of the news has passed and the spouses have decided to maintain the relationship

“living life to the fullest” is a time when the trail of betrayal has almost no effect on the personal well-being of everyone and the relationship in a couple. Is it possible to achieve this kind of state?

It is quite possible that yes.

I am not a fan of all sorts of periodizations and standards relating to the lives of adults.

The person may well be unable or unwilling to move to the next stage of coping with the trauma.

It is quite possible that someone feels that they must remain unhappy. and that the degree of unhappiness should not decrease.

There are no “standards” for how a person’s experiences should be structured. Especially when it comes to trauma situations.

So all the stages, periodizations are about those and for those who want to get out of the situation of trauma and move on along the path of life.

And I can say, no longer as a specialist, but as a person trying to be a believer - in these days and months, a person really needs God’s help.

Help is always needed. But often it is precisely when it is very difficult that a person asks for Help and receives it. And later, when the most acute pain subsides, but the “trauma” has not yet been overcome, a person can find himself in such life spaces from where it is very difficult to ask for help.

In cases, for example, of depression - and in the post-traumatic period they can set in - it is not easy for a person to remember that help is, in principle, possible. Traumatic situations isolate us from other people. I think it is very important to ensure that the threads of connections - friendly, human, whatever - do not weaken.

Mistrust, surveillance, suspicion

I just want to check, continue to check, track minor deviations from the promised schedule.

Especially if the fact of treason became known as a result of surveillance. This is almost always a dead end. Lack of Trust - Surveillance - lack of trust is even more powerful.

Male “everything is fine with us” as a coping strategy

A man who says “everything is fine with us, everything is normal” during a period when everything is not good at all does not necessarily ignore what is happening. This reaction can be classic denial. But perhaps for the husband this is part of the “rescue plan” - to avoid mention of betrayal, not to delve into feelings and cause-and-effect relationships. If this is combined with an admission of one’s own guilt and responsibility, with repentance not only in words, with a cessation of this type of behavior, then this “all is well” may well work. Time must pass... What time is unknown. But after about six months, a year and a half, it becomes clear whether it is possible to continue living together, or whether this is complete mutual torment.

Sometimes a couple cannot cope with the “post” situation

- If not weeks, but months have passed, but mentally, you are still there,

- If the broken trust has not been restored one iota,

— If you constantly discuss this situation and its consequences with yourself, with each other, with your loved ones,

- If you feel that you are close to a physical illness due to all these thoughts,

This means that there is not a process of gradual recovery and strengthening, but a process of transition from the “acute stage” to the “chronic”.

And what you definitely don’t wish on anyone, even while the children are growing up, is to live with the situation of severe chronic consequences of betrayal.

This scenario – which, alas, happens quite often – is harmful to women’s health and psyche; it pushes men towards various kinds of addictions and repeated “drives to the left”.

If advice and recommendations worked, everyone would be happy long ago and irrevocably.

But that's not true. And it’s easy to say “stop behaving this way or that,” and it’s much more difficult to implement this wonderful idea.

A real psychotherapist, as you know, does not give advice. He asks “good questions.”

You can ask yourself: if we, for example, continue in the same spirit to eat each other and step on very sore calluses, then what will our relationship be like in six months?

In a year?

Three?

And in general, is it possible to hold out that long? There are cases when thinking about the “strategic consequences” was healing, and it was possible to stop. And recovery was possible. There would be something to save.

It may sound pretentious and pioneering, but strong, unburnt-out love between partners is a force that can overcome almost all trials. And if burnout occurs, it is not at the moment of receiving news of a “march to the left,” but in long and fruitless attempts to cope with the train of betrayal.

Confirmation of vows

How long does all this last and is it worth enduring?

The recovery period will most likely last quite some time. And the most painful ones are the first six months. But during the first year and a half after that, “flashbacks” will probably occur, and quite frequently.

If you decide to try to stay together, it might be worth trying:

- do not poke your spouse into pain points that are well known to you

- do not “feed” suspicion and (or) guilt

- do not “become children”, hiding in the roles of parents from the problems of marital roles. Especially having another child can be a ticking time bomb.

The emergence of a new person cannot, from my point of view, be burdened with additional tasks such as “restoring the parents’ relationship”, “being glue for a broken cup”.

- do not try to control your spouse (except by mutual agreement).

- do not “blow dirty linen in public” - close the information funnel, do not reveal to third parties the details of what is happening in your relationship now.

Recovery is a fragile and secretive period. Other people's attention and curiosity are completely useless here.

It will be very good if it works out:

- to look for and find something that still pleases and unites both.

- talk about emerging feelings and difficulties without accusation or aggression

— remember that restoring trust is a process, not a moment

— do not forget that people in difficult periods do not have to cope on their own and do without help. And the help of the Creator. But this is only for those who believe.

I want and love to cheat on my husband. Does your conscience bother you?

Judging by the description of your interactions, you do not like either one or the other, but in both you are attracted by certain attributes that are not present in one person, this resonance prevents you from dotting all the dots with one of the heroes of the triangle. Typically, for a quiet life, a woman needs the following:

• Stability in bed;
• Welfare;
• Having the necessary character traits (opposite to your temperament for healthy interaction);
• External indicators.

Decide, for help, remember the saying “If you chase two hares, you won’t catch either!” It was not invented out of nowhere. However, any friend who wishes you well will tell you this.

If you do not tell your spouse about your actions, then you should not continue such communication, because the longer you delay, the higher the risk that he will find out about it, because you have children who become invisible witnesses. Aren't you afraid that at some inconvenient moment they will tell you about your absence at night?

What is more painful is the consequences that your children may receive; this is an inferiority complex, manifested in the following forms of behavior:

• Developmental retardation;
• Disobedience, laziness, lack of incentive and motivation to do any work, study, do homework, etc.;
• Loss of reason amid an increased desire to rise among peers;
• Incorrect formation of ideas about healthy relationships between people and in particular between a man and a woman;
• Denial of any morally positive principles or foundations;
• Closedness;
• Loss of meaning to life;
• and other serious psychological problems.

Based on history, it is clear that you are a housewife, and your husband earns. Imagine what will happen if you get divorced and leave both children with you, yes, he will pay alimony or raise them, keeping a check pad, but do you really want a dysfunctional family in which children will have the problems described above? You will go to school like you go to work, and to the police or a child psychotherapist on weekends.

Remember! An action always has a consequence. If you lead an immoral life, you will definitely have a negative outcome.

Interesting: Dream: I cheated on my husband. What does it mean?

Don't ignore the problem.

Some people, after such a blow, continue to behave as if nothing had happened. They “clog” all the feelings inside and pretend they don’t exist. Thus, they deceive not only others, but also themselves. Often phrases like:

• “I’m strong, so I won’t cry, be sad, whine, but I’ll pull myself together”;
• “Well, yes, he cheated on me. And what? This happens to almost everyone. There’s no point in making something big out of it”;
• “If I stop remembering this, then everything will be erased from my memory. I’ll just drive such thoughts away”;
• “It doesn’t hurt me at all. I still wanted to break off this relationship.”

In fact, feelings and memories never go away. They continue to “work in the background,” depleting the nervous system and leading a person to neurosis. There is no point in hiding your pain deep inside. It's better to accept it and let the emotions spill out. Only after this it will become easier.

Betrayal is pain, heaviness, tears and the feeling that you can’t breathe. But all these feelings are absolutely normal . Don't be shy or ignore them.

Love helps us accept our partner's shortcomings

It is worth noting separately that the vision of love, its sensation, the period of falling in love, and the experience of difficulties in relationships are radically different for women and men. Women are emotional, sensual creatures, and with this they decorate the logical and simple world of men, giving bright shades to the black and white background. It’s difficult for us to be together, but without each other we also wouldn’t be able to live fully.

Love is a feeling that unites a man and a woman, contributing to changes in the natures of partners. In this article I want to talk about exactly this - about our differences in love, without knowing which even the strongest and most powerful feeling can disappear irrevocably.

After the betrayal, I realized that I love my husband. What to do?

This can also happen, but less often, because there is not always a clear understanding that the spouse is still dear. But what kind of nonsense is this if the incident occurs in an officially registered marriage? Didn't you realize that you loved before the incident? If not, then why did you say the cherished “Yes?” For a wedding feast? Trips? Honeymoon?

Advice: if you really value your union, then it is better to tell everything yourself (see How to confess to your husband that you are cheating?). The effect of the news will be much more serious if your man finds out about the mistake from other sources (see. My husband found out about the betrayal. What to do?). By admitting what you did, you will once again confirm your honesty and make it clear that you regret the offense. As a result, accept his verdict with your head held high and, if he files for divorce, having made the right conclusions, do not repeat such acts in a future marriage; if he forgives, try to take care of the complete eradication of this dirty fact from his memory!

Accept the fact of betrayal

This is the initial and perhaps the most difficult step.

The first advice from a psychologist on how to survive the betrayal of a loved one is to accept the fact of betrayal. Accepting means agreeing that there was betrayal. Do not praise it, do not agree with it, do not resign yourself and do not submit to fate. For one of the partners, accepting means saying: “Yes, I was cheated on.” For another - “Yes, I changed.” Without this, all other steps are impossible, since by denying the problem, we cannot begin to solve it.

Sometimes it takes one day to accept and admit the fact of betrayal, sometimes it takes months. Don't give up if you can't do it right now, keep trying.

Why do women leave their families?

With women everything is much more complicated. Wives rarely leave a family with children without taking the child with them. Otherwise, a lover may appear on the side, but she will never move in with him if he refuses to accept his only son or daughter. Therefore, let’s analyze a situation that often happens in marital relationships where there is no mutual understanding and attention:

1. Female infidelity happens if there is not enough attention to a beautiful person. She gets bored in the evenings, struggles with everyday life, getting the children ready for school, spending several hours every day at the stove, working. And in response: “I’m tired after a hard day at work, feed me and put me in the bedroom.” Any mother will live for the sake of her child, but will never again, out of a feeling of love, give her husband a smile and tenderness. She will find several hours a day to devote herself to the mystery of love relationships, but with another man.
2. Lack of love and passion. Over the years, if a woman realizes that she has fallen out of love, she is capable of betrayal, capable of even leaving the marital home. At the same time, it will be very difficult to stop her. She will refuse a share of property, money, benefits, but will do as her heart tells her.

It is worth understanding that it is important for girls to receive a little in order to give back. If a young man cares better and more, she will never look at another. Separately, psychologists identify a category of women who may “suffer” from this feeling. They guard the object of their desire at work, at home, in the yard, just to see him and draw attention to themselves. Unrequited feelings in such cases can give rise to a feeling of inadequacy in women, which they will use on other victims, cheating and betraying those who truly value them. This is called revenge on the male gender. Such young ladies believe that all men cheat and it is better to do this in revenge for the entire female race, citing offended feelings in past relationships.

Why a loved one cheats: justification arguments

There are many arguments and different ways to explain and clarify the motives for betrayal. And they are almost the same among people of different ages, but not everyone can understand them. A teenager who has been deceived by a girl will not worry about this as much as an accomplished adult man. He has already known the taste of betrayal, changed his attitude and his worldview, but still his heart is hurt by the ladies. Women, oddly enough, find it easier to survive betrayal due to maternal instinct. If the husband feels resentment for his injured pride, then the wife will ask the question: “I love a person who cheats, but how can I forgive him?” One is looking for ways to make amends, the other will seek understanding and explanation of the situation. However, the outcome after solving all the answers and questions varies.

Don't change in response.

Thoughtless, impulsive revenge is the last thing that can help the victim. At first, it may seem that such an act will improve self-esteem, make the offender feel the same pain, and restore self-confidence. But, as practice shows, everything ends only in loss:

• opportunities to establish relationships with the offender;
• self-esteem and self-esteem;
• life guide;
• remnants of peace of mind.

Why is this happening?

• Firstly , such a step is not taken consciously, but under the influence of surging emotions. When the emotional storm subsides, repentance and guilt will come. Why become as guilty a person as a traitor? Why turn into him in the first place?
• Secondly , betrayal in return is always dirt. Who can be found for such revenge in a short time? That's right, dubious individuals.
• Thirdly , even if the offender feels the same pain, how will it all end? Will he realize how wrong he was and come running to beg for forgiveness? Hardly. He will not care or he will lose the desire to restore the relationship.
• Fourthly , after such an offense there is regret about the pain caused to a dear person. Self-loathing will appear. Serious personal complexes will also be added to the breakdown of relationships. Is this necessary?

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What to do if your husband or beloved boyfriend cheated?

If you have known the “infidel” only recently, then life is on your side. Thank her for saving you from someone who could cause you even more severe pain in the future. Be glad that everything was resolved with minimal losses for you and so soon.

For married couples there are two options:

The first is to leave without agreeing to anything. Never be second in line. Go through a period of living with problems and let go, end the relationship.

The second is to stay, compromise, develop the habit of tolerance and forgiveness.

In any case, everyone can and should extract their own meaningful and unique life experience from the current situation. The main thing is not to be fooled by the manifestation of a standard behavioral package inherent at the level of instincts in each of us. And try to rise above the situation, understand and realize why this happened, why to you?

What psychologists say

There are four reasons why people who are generally well-adjusted and happy in their primary relationships may nevertheless engage in infidelity, risking their marriage, their home, their family, their position in society.

Exploring yourself

The search for a new sense of self is probably the most powerful of these reasons. Cheating as a form of self-knowledge, the search for a new (or lost) identity. In a word, people are looking for themselves, exploring, discovering some new facets of themselves that were previously unknown. In such cases, cheating even benefits the relationship. Provided, of course, that the spouse never finds out about it.

For these women, infidelity is an exploration of never-experienced or long-repressed parts of themselves. It is freedom from who they used to be and who they currently are. Interestingly, they usually don't want to change who they are; they just want to break free from these restrictions for a little while - to feel young again, to explore, grow and experience life. When these people cheat, they are not looking for another person, they are looking for themselves.

The Seductive Nature of Temptations

Sometimes happy women who cheat say they feel like a teenager when they have sex, hiding. It's fun and forbidden, and they get a kick out of breaking the rules. This is comparable to a 10-year-old child stealing cookies that his mother told him not to eat. Forbidden cookies simply taste very sweet.

Temptation combined with obstacles and prohibitions causes great excitement. This is the seductive nature of crime.

Trying to catch up

Here, instead of crime, missed opportunities attract people. They think about who is gone, or about what never happened, or about the life they could have had if only... This can cause them to feel limited and protected by their chosen life and relationships. , no matter how much they enjoy this life and relationship.

So they indulge their curiosity. They use extramarital sex to see who they could be if they chose a different path. Again, this is a form of self-exploration where infidelity introduces one to the stranger within.

Emotional release

Finally, happy women who cheat may do so to experience new emotions. For them, infidelity is more of an emotional release than a sexual release. Once again, they explore their inner selves.

Don't look for a replacement.

This is no longer betrayal for revenge. This is an attempt to stop the internal bleeding wound. After a breakup, many people immediately rush to look for a new partner. They find it, try their best to become happy again, but everything just gets worse. There are two reasons for this.

1. A new person is not a life-saving first aid kit , not a panacea that will cure resentment and mistrust. This is "plantain". It seems to be supposed to help, but in reality it is absolutely useless in case of serious injuries. Relationships after a breakup will not help you cope with internal problems.
2. While the victim tries in every possible way to bandage the wounds, concentrating on himself, the new partner hopes for seriousness and honesty. He contemplates a future together and sincerely falls in love. It turns out that he is being used. Just like the traitor used the one who believed him.

It’s better not to look for a new relationship until everything settles down inside. Only after achieving harmony with yourself and resolving psychological problems can you start something with another partner. Until this moment, all attempts will result in suffering for both sides.

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Is it possible to translate one type of love into another?

Do loving men cheat, we figured it out, stories with living examples were also provided, the last question remains: “Is it possible to change your love or your husband’s, or rather the type?”, in fact, nothing is impossible. Let's go in order:

• Mania is not difficult to convert into Pragma using psychological techniques. It is necessary to create the effect of undeadness without a person, that is, complete or partial dependence, it will be necessary to put pressure on the strongest component - welfare;
• Ludus - it is almost impossible to do anything with this type, a good psychotherapist must intervene here, he will play a good role in implanting concepts such as value, family, marriage, love, etc. into the husband’s brain.
• Eros - more meetings, preferably without continuing sex scenes, will allow you to gradually get used to your partner and fall in love, if he is at least a little similar to the ideological preferences of the second. Mania may flare up, so you need to act carefully so as not to increase his pride.

We warn you! All people with these types of love are greedy for appearances, so you shouldn’t transform yourself too much, because you may not end up with paradoxical changes.