The main mistakes of parents
What you definitely shouldn’t do in a delicate situation, so as not to traumatize the psyche of a child of any age and maintain good relationships in the family.
8 important facts about sex education for girls
1 You can’t shout or swear. It is clear that you are outraged, scared, perplexed, but try to contain your emotions. Inhale, exhale, pause and speak in a calm tone.
2 You shouldn’t leave your child completely without explanation, or brush him off. Answers like “You’re too young to understand” or “It’s none of your business, go to sleep” are not suitable.
3 It is doubtful to indulge in long explanations. For kids, come up with a simple wording; for older children, give it closer to the truth and also laconic.
4 There is no need to talk about the incident in the bedroom with tension, or as if you are telling your child a big secret. Be simple and relaxed.
5 It will also be strange to deliberately remind you of a sudden night event the next day if the child does not ask about anything.
6 A bad option is to explain the whole matter with a game. Play is a child's prerogative. In that case, why wasn't he invited to have fun?
Break away from mom
Parents live together or separately, but communication with each of them is important for the child. Dad and mom are the two most important people for him, part of whom he carries within himself, whom he resembles and who, consciously or unconsciously, contribute to the development of the child. It is important to understand that the lack of communication between a parent and his child is also a unique contribution to his development and upbringing.
Communication with the first and main person in life (usually the mother) becomes for the child a model for all subsequent relationships. He will grow up - and will unconsciously look for a friend/girlfriend, wife/husband - a person who can respond to his needs in much the same way as his mother did in early childhood. In the first year of life, communication with the mother covers all his needs for the child, his psyche is able to maintain relationships and form an attachment with only one person; he perceives other people as approximately another version of the mother. But in the second year of life, the child is able to begin piece by piece to create a completely new relationship, “not the same as with his mother.” And at this moment the second parent is especially important - the one he did not literally eat, did not practically consider as his personal part of the body. It helps the child in the process of separation from his mother; communication with him promotes greater independence and the desire to actively explore the world outside of the mother and her breast. This second relationship is of a different quality than the relationship with mom, and it is desirable that it sets a future format for relationships with other people in which no one literally invades each other, but treats each other warmly and respects each other. Such relationships help the child gradually reformat his relationship with his mother. The psychological umbilical cord, with the help of the second parent or another adult who also loves the child, like the mother, weakens and breaks. Gradually, relationships with both parents acquire similar characteristics: warm, close. The child loves them both, is attached to both, perhaps prefers to play sports with one parent, and sculpt with plasticine or chat about politics with the other.
What to tell children of different ages?
2-3 years Most likely, the child does not understand anything and is simply frightened by what he hears and sees. Therefore, it is worth turning to him affectionately, hugging him, and turning your attention to him: why he woke up, what he wants. In general, show with all your appearance and intonation that nothing terrible is happening. Then put the baby to bed. From now on, so that he does not have stress, it is worth preparing in advance - placing a toy under the pillow that is unfamiliar to the child. And the next time he wakes up at the most interesting moment, give him a gift. Attention will switch to a more understandable subject.
4-6 years Most likely at this age, the child, along with fear, will also experience jealousy because mom and dad have some interesting activities in which he does not belong. It is possible that the baby also has an interest in “forbidden”, mysterious topics. Therefore, simply switching attention will not do. You need to come up with a rational, soothing explanation : something like dad giving mom a back massage, or rocking her while putting her to bed (after which we immediately find out: “Why aren’t you sleeping?”), or doing night fitness to lose weight.
7-10 years old Younger schoolchildren may have heard about the special relationship between men and women. They probably feel embarrassed and ashamed that they caught their parents having sex. Therefore, “at the scene” the explanation that mom and dad loved each other, hugged and kissed will . If public displays of affection, kissing, lying in bed together on weekends are the norm in your family, then nothing bad will happen. If there are still questions, then the next day you can talk about how love between men and women is expressed in the intimate sphere too, tell that this is how children are born, avoiding naturalism, of course. Or give adapted books “about this” to read.
11-15 years old Teenager knows about sex. However, perhaps, in his picture of the world, this sphere is colored not only by prohibition, but also by contempt. In addition to awkwardness and shame (for himself and his parents), he also feels anger that the people closest to him are engaged in such an obscene and “dirty” business. The first thing you should do is ask him to leave, promising that you will come in a minute. Then find out what woke him up. A frank conversation the next day is unlikely to make the child lecherous or denying sexuality. But silence is more likely to lead to sex becoming something either shameful or super-attractive.
I heard my parents having sex...
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Yesterday I arrived from England (summer school, for a month), my mother also went there (as a leader, but not in my group), she and I arrived with a difference of 1 day, i.e. I yesterday, and she today. We have a one-room apartment + a glazed balcony (they made me a room on it (sofa, table), at night at 12 I woke up, went to the kitchen to drink water (slept on the sofa), on my way back I met my dad at the door, well, we went to the room, he lay down on bed (mom was very tired and therefore had already slept for 4 hours), and I was on the balcony, sitting on the computer, before dad went to bed, he curtained the door to the balcony with an almost transparent openwork curtain, I sat so calmly for about 20 minutes and suddenly I heard interruptions ( but in rhythm) mother's gasps, depressed, and a little squelching, my friend was very interested in sex, she read a lot about it on the Internet and very often when she was with me, well, we discussed something among ourselves, well, what can you do - such an age (but she and I are not preoccupied, we didn’t watch porn, it’s purely like that - first sex, hymen, reviews - rather learn more not about sex, but about yourself, your body) and we once read that such a sound sometimes occurs during sex , so I immediately realized what it was... I’m 14 years old, I was sitting on the balcony, my parents’ bed was right next to the door to the balcony, that is, they were a meter away from me, I was lying there, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to hear it, but I lay and begged for it all to end, then it stopped, I seemed to begin to calm down, but suddenly with renewed vigor, I already heard the mattress and strong oohs and ahs, this squelching, I already wanted to open the balcony and jump from there (5th floor), I I couldn’t do that, okay, I still have my own room, you can get up and walk around and have a drink, but I was on the balcony, only a translucent curtain separated me from them, I heard it all, I lay there, hugged the cat to me and silently cried, praying that it would it’s over, for me the last part lasted an eternity, but now they are quiet... I hate them!!! Not because they had sex, on the one hand I was even glad, because for the last 8 years I only heard them yelling at each other, I didn’t see a single kiss, HUSBAND AND WIFE, NOT ONE KISS!!! ! Lately my mother has only been talking about divorce and moving! When I was in kindergarten, I constantly found condoms near the bed, but I didn’t know what they were for (I thought I’d put them on my tongue for fun, I didn’t try them myself, thank God), when I found out, I hadn’t found them for 3 years, so when I remembered that they they did it while I was little and sleeping on the second floor (we have a bunk bed in our room, and my parents’ bed below), it became really bad, but when they had been fighting for 8 years, I thought about sex, but I thought that they had already had it for these 8 He’s been gone for years, that’s why I didn’t bother... Sometimes the idea came into my head that maybe they just lacked this for family happiness, but I didn’t want to not see (which, thank God, didn’t happen), not to hear them!!! I hate them now - because they did this when I could hear them (which is what happened), I don’t understand!!!! Dad knew that I was not sleeping, he should have seen the glow of the computer, but that didn’t stop him, I hate them!!!! I don’t want to see either him or my mother, I have a disgust for them, I’m an artist and I have a very good imagination in life, now I can’t sleep, because this picture with sounds is in front of my eyes, and I can’t see them I can for the same reason!!!! I understand, they are people too, and I’m really glad after all these quarrels and mom’s tears, but they had to make sure that I, their 14-year-old, didn’t know about this... I MEET DADDY AT THE DOOR TO THE ROOM 20 MINUTES BEFORE THIS, HE KNEW I WASN'T SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't do this anymore! For me, mom is the purest creature, but now, I don’t want to touch her. Before, dad always slept in the kitchen (because of quarrels), and I sometimes went to mom’s bed, but now, I have no time for mom or mom. Moreover, I don’t want to touch this bed!!! There’s no question of dad, despite my age I’m very gifted and purposeful (this may seem strange and stupid, but I’m building a small house like a camper in my grandmother’s garden and I’m almost finished) I used to think, I’ll buy a Rottweiler, I’ll train him to become a bodyguard for up to a year, by which time I’ll also make furniture for the house, and then I’m ready to go there right now with a tent, and I don’t even care that syringes are lying 7 meters from the fence, a very shitty fence, I just want stay away from them! I am a loner by nature, that’s why my parents, especially my mother, are the people closest to me, but now I just hate them!!! Now I don’t feel protected by any of the people, now I’m sitting in the kitchen, because they fell asleep, I’m hugging the cat and it seems to me that only animals can understand and protect me, now my cat is my only protection from everyone, I don’t I know what to do, I hate them because they didn’t care about me, about what will happen to me... What can I hear!!!!!! I MEET DADDY AT THE DOOR, HE KNEW THAT I WASN'T SLEEPING, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help me please, I think I’m going to jump out of the window, I can’t stand it, please help... What if... a blowjob... and then he kisses me... Lord, please help me!!!!!!!!!!!
When dad takes care of the kids
Oh, young mothers, do you want all eyes on the playground to be on you? Go out for a walk with your active dad. I sat on a bench next to the swings and carousels, leafed through my work email and enjoyed the last warm days of autumn. My husband was playing with our son nearby. I caught him from a big slide, pushed him on a swing, made Easter cakes with him in the sandbox, wiped his nose and gave him juice from a straw.
“Look how he learned to climb the ladder himself!” I nodded absentmindedly, answering the important letter: “Yeah, now, just a second.” Other parents on the playground immediately realized that I was the child’s mother. Can you imagine? I am a mother! Sympathetic glances turned to my husband. And I received judgment from other dads who shared the bench with me, scrolling through something on their phone. Wow! She handed over the child to her husband, and she herself... It’s okay if this business woman accidentally wandered onto the site. So, it turns out, she is with her husband and children.
I remember the pediatrician at the clinic, choking with indignation, scolding me: “Why, your dad comes all the time! You don’t care about the child, I see.” A friend at the playground whispered that her husband was also “on maternity leave.” But she asked me not to tell anyone. They will still laugh! She told others: “He is looking for a job, looking... Now there is a crisis. Not yet." But he wasn’t even looking, this wonderful dad, who spun his daughter around in his arms, threw her into the air and, to the joyful laughter of all the children on the playground, launched a kite into the air.
My husband is at work six or seven months out of twelve, which is approximately how long the geological season lasts. The rest of the time he is a housewife. He cooks better than me, and I just beg for “one more time of that soup that was on Saturday.” From time to time I forget where the vacuum cleaner is. In almost all children's institutions they recognize him by sight, while they look at me with suspicion: “Woman, who are you to the child?”
“Why is he chilling with you for six months? A man must earn money,” “Did you cook it yourself?” Poor thing...” - I often hear this. But he shouldn't. He must be a great dad and husband, since he took it on. Being a good husband does not mean putting your salary in the closet every month. And being a cool dad doesn’t mean accompanying his wife and children with the face of a martyr to the nearest bench in order to finally sit there as a “real man” and go about his important adult affairs while his wife tortures the baby “how does a kitty meow?” oh, look, auntie’s dog is woof-woof!” The key question, of course, is “do you have a dad instead of a mom?” Not instead! Together with mom. A working dad, who can only be with his child in the evenings and on weekends, is usually not asked such questions. Have you ever heard the surprised expression “you have a mom instead of a dad?”
Men are always afraid of the word “equality”. What if they force you to do something, but get nothing in return? Just inconvenience! But what if it’s still convenient? If, when you don’t have a job or desire to work, but just want to play with the children, you will hear not “I’m a woman, I want a new dress,” but “let me go to work, and you will take care of the children?” . After all, they have the same childhood, and it’s so great when both mom and dad managed to be close.
It seems that dads have begun to creep into their children’s lives through the attitudes of “a man should bring a buffalo into the house” and “keep silent about your feelings, clenching your jaw, you pathetic whiner.” I see them on the playgrounds on weekdays during the day: with what joy they play pirates, launch helicopters and feed the ducks on the pond with the children! I started noticing them at the clinic - “we’ve already had the vaccine, it’s been well tolerated.” You can see them in kindergarten (imagine, these dads know what group their children are in and know how to braid hair).
They, of course, continue to be tortured: “Where is your mother, oh, unfortunate single father? At work? It's clear…". But they don't give up! Maybe we will even live to see a generation of children whose “family” picture shows dad next to him, holding his hand, and not huddled in the corner of a landscape sheet with a case in his hand.
