In secret: what to do if you want compliments

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Our difficult attitude towards compliments is based on beliefs that we developed in childhood: attitudes and rules that were instilled by our parents.

“It’s not nice to brag”

With the light hand of our parents, we believe that talking about our achievements is unacceptable, because this is bragging that does not make us beautiful. Are you familiar with this reaction to compliments? “This is just a good dress! In fact, it’s been a long time since I lost weight.” Never make excuses when you hear praise addressed to you!

"You are no better than others"

This belief creates low self-esteem in us. We stop noticing even our own strengths and try to be no different from other people. We admire anyone, but not our own achievements.

5 traits that will make everyone envy you

"Flattery is self-serving"

From childhood we were taught that sucking up is not good. Any praise or compliments can be insincere, because if a person praises you, it means he needs something. Thus, we perceive a compliment as a way of manipulation and therefore immediately look for a catch.

"An eye for an eye"

If a person does something good to you, gives you a gift or gives you compliments, you simply must answer him in kind. Not knowing how to give compliments, we find ourselves in an awkward position: if we were given an expensive gift, we think that we should be given the same one in return.

A “working” compliment is subtle and appropriate

If compliments in close and romantic relationships are said appropriately and inappropriately - they are still accepted kindly and do not seem unnecessary, then in a work environment, expressing admiration for the actions of a colleague is recommended only if it really takes place. If nothing extraordinary happened, and you almost choked on eulogies in delight, then at a minimum, it looks inappropriate, at a maximum - you will be branded as a narrow-minded person and prone to fawning, since such an ordinary event caused a storm of unnecessary emotions in you. Or the person being praised will decide that you need something from him, and will not be too lazy to distance himself.

Finding yourself misunderstood at work is possible always and everywhere; you don’t even need to sing praises to those around you. Work is a place where everything is often simple and concise, and therefore the usual “Yes, that was great!” sounds much more appropriate than “Wow! How cool is that! You're great, dude! How I wish I could be like you! And why am I not as brave/strong/smart as you??” Such excessive expression of enthusiasm not only does not fit into a dry work environment, but also belittles the dignity of the speaker.

Express diagnostics

Test yourself, can you accept compliments?

You feel embarrassed every time someone compliments you.

You feel like you don't deserve the praise.

You want to say something justifying to diminish your merits.

Hearing praise addressed to you, you launch into explanations.

You pretend that you didn’t hear the compliment, or you move the conversation to another topic as quickly as possible.

You are frantically looking for something nice to say in response.

You laugh it off when a person admires you.

You begin to publicly criticize yourself.

If most of the statements are about you, then urgently learn to accept compliments. First of all, start praising yourself! Every evening, celebrate your successes for the day and say pleasant words to yourself - and then your self-esteem will increase, and you will not perceive other people’s praise as undeserved or selfish.

Learning to give beautiful compliments

Angle for a compliment

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Who hasn't heard the expression “asking for a compliment”? It’s always nice to hear pleasant words about yourself, but some people consciously “demand” these same compliments from others. What is it: a desire to flaunt oneself or a banal lack of compliments?

Surely you have also met people who “ask for compliments.” There is nothing unnatural in the desire to demonstrate your achievements, pay attention to changes in your appearance, or simply hear approval for your actions. But there is one “BUT” - it is often stated almost in plain text:

- Well, tell me, I’m great, smart girl!

Img by UrbaneWomenMag

Or even worse - a man or woman endlessly praises himself until those around him agree with this opinion and give him the “long-awaited” compliment. Just what kind of sincerity can we talk about if such compliments are given on the principle of “just to get rid of it”?

Openly asking for a compliment, to put it mildly, looks ugly and pathetic from the outside. And it certainly doesn’t evoke a sincere desire to give even a small compliment. But sometimes it’s easier to agree, say and forget - it will be easier for yourself.

What is the reason for this behavior? After all, this often irritates others, and the person never hears the cherished words addressed to him. Compliments are usually given from the heart, not by request.

There is a category of people who need mandatory approval ; they really feel an increased need to be loved, admired, and praised. It's not just pleasant for them. The fact is that without the appreciation and recognition of others, such people cannot feel their importance. Without hearing “voluntary” compliments, anxiety arises - is everything okay? There is no need to talk about adequate self-esteem here. And such men and women cannot be changed. All that remains is to either say a compliment, or avoid answering and simply minimize communication.

Img by allyaubry

Another possible reason for this behavior is a constant desire to be the center of attention . This model of behavior often comes from childhood, where the child was the main person in the family, where everything was for him. Such children remain children for the most part forever. And there’s nothing you can do about it, the decision is yours - to indulge or send the vegetables to canning.

But there is another side to the expression “asking for compliments.” No matter how beautiful a girl or woman is, no matter how smart and talented a guy or a man is - a bunch of complexes and “cockroaches” in the head cast doubt on the real state of “affairs”. Few people manage to be truly objective towards themselves. Even in a situation where, from the outside, we are beautiful, smart, and successful, even ideal for someone, we still don’t like something about ourselves. Do you agree, this is a familiar situation?

Img by LyndaSanchez

And then behavior arises when one’s merits and qualities are downplayed, when one wants the opinions of others to coincide with one’s own. “Asking for compliments” goes something like this:

- Am I not very fat?

- How do I look today?

“I was in such a hurry that I didn’t even have time to do my hair.”

How to react when someone “asks for a compliment”? There are two ways to behave correctly in this case:

  1. Give a compliment. He or she expects this, but it won’t stop you.
  2. Remain indifferent and ignore the interlocutor’s attempt to receive an “undeserved” compliment.

Img by strollers

In any case, it’s rare, but you can give a compliment when you don’t really want to do it. There can be many options for behavior characterized by the expression “asking for a compliment.” And the reasons here are also multifaceted. Some young ladies deliberately and deliberately ask for compliments, thus trying to show their superiority over others. And it happens that a man doesn’t want to notice his woman’s efforts. Well, how can you not ask for a compliment, even in open text? But, at the same time, if a girl stood in front of the mirror for half a day, it is not a fact that as a result she became more beautiful. After all, a compliment is sincere admiration and approval. And it must be deserved. The same applies to men: got up from the sofa, put their things back in their place - and for this I should also give you a compliment? Well, sorry. Not the case. But he showed initiative, did something worthwhile and said about it for the purpose of praise - please: “You’re such a good guy, I never expected this from you.”

Img by UrbaneWomenMag

Remember that a real compliment is said sincerely, from the heart. And when compliments are asked for, the choice is yours: say a few kind words or leave your interlocutor without attention. Of course, if you don’t want to give even a small compliment, then it’s better to remain silent.

How to give compliments at work?

The key question in a work environment will be the question “how” and not “what”, since even simple words of joy for a colleague and his successes, spoken in a languid, low voice with melodramatic hand-wringing and eye-rolling, will sound completely different than those expressed in a calm and even voice. tone.

Phrases of a “working” compliment should be constructed simply and kindly, but moderately dry and formal

It matters who you compliment:

for a man, it is important to construct a statement in such a way that it reflects his social and social significance; in words of a compliment to a man, there is a place for respect for him and his merits; a woman would like to feel that she is loved not only as a valuable employee, but also as a charming person, and therefore the compliment can be slightly embellished by mentioning her personal advantages - her spectacular appearance, memories of the delicious pies that she treated her to last Friday, etc. .; and compliments to the boss are a separate category - this is thin ice, and you need to walk on it, weighing and checking every step: an inconvenient and rude, overly “sweet” or pompous compliment will show you as a person inclined to serve and eager for advancement on the career ladder, even if this is not the case at all.

It is also important to catch the right moment for a compliment: usually these are cases when “a spoon is expensive for dinner.” An event worthy of praise has occurred - if possible, express your emotions immediately, without delay: they will be appropriate here and now. And it’s definitely not worth repeating: a compliment said twice, and even in the same words, is bad manners, which completely negates on the receiving side the words of admiration all the pleasantness from the first time.

A compliment should not be banal and clichéd: it’s better to have less of your own than hackneyed stock phrases, but better stock phrases than nothing

If your imagination allows, then you can, of course, come up with something like that, but remember: not all people have the same striking sense of humor as you, and therefore words should be chosen carefully, tactfully, and carefully.

Men are advised to be careful with compliments to a woman: tender women’s hearts are full of romance, and you, even without wanting it or knowing it, are able to sow fast-growing seeds on fertile soil. If you do not plan to have an affair at work and be attacked by text messages or phone calls from a co-worker who has decided that you are not indifferent to her, watch your own tone, facial expressions and words: no intimate tenderness in compliments, winks, sighs and hints - only respect . Showing concern in compliments to representatives of the opposite sex is only permissible if you have been working together for a long time, know each other well, but neither of you is planning a close acquaintance.

Words of compliment have terrible power and, if used ineptly, will soon lead to unexpected consequences.

The compliment is pronounced with self-esteem, from equal to equal, without ingratiation or servility. A woman is recommended to compliment a man in a tone that does not allow frivolity (unless, of course, a relationship is planned that is closer than work), otherwise the man will regard the attention shown to him as a sign of sympathy.

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