If you have finally convinced yourself of indifference to each other, then it is our thoughts that create emotions and actions.
Everything in our life is created first in thoughts, and then in actions and indifference.
If you mutually decided that your feelings (the desire to be together) have cooled down, then why live a joyless life under one roof?..
You must be honest with yourself and your children so that they respect you.
The family is crumbling, but you yourself are destroying it, with your indifference to each other, and only you yourself can change it...
Equivalence, Freedom of Choice, Mutual respect, Sincerity, Mutual assistance - this is what will help create relationships that will delight you.
Alexey, hello!
You have driven yourself into a dead end because: > we don’t file for divorce just because of the children.
Children suffer in a family where dad / and probably mom / are in apathy, more than if you separated PEACEFULLY after talking to the children and explaining to them the whole truth.
If, after leaving your family, you reserve the rule of seeing your children regularly and supporting them as you do today, then after a while, when the general stress from the divorce subsides, the lives of ALL family members will improve in new conditions. But your and your wife’s life impulse will be filled with new plans, events, and emotions.
In today's situation, neither you, nor your wife, nor your children have a future. Because men in your position or... Can I not say what awaits you if you do not change your status?
And children need a dad (even if he’s visiting) who is healthy, full of strength and potential, because children still need to be put on their feet, children need an example of active, life-loving parents / etc. We raise children by our example, and not by incantations: “You must be...”
Think about the proposed option. The midlife crisis that you are supposed to have goes well when there is mutual understanding in the family. If it’s not there, you need to leave and not torment either the children or yourself.
Good luck and more courage! And listen less to those around you - anyway, you have already ruined your reputation in their eyes))).
Best regards, Svetlana
Online consultation What to do if a family collapses?
Alexey, hello.
Staying married just because of children is a dubious idea. What is it like for them to see their parents next to each other out of obligation, and not out of desire?
If a family is collapsing, it is worth talking frankly with your spouse, asking if there is at least one chance to save it - if “no”, it is usually useless to save it.
If “yes,” and you can’t do it yourself, then both of you go see a professional who deals with such matters. It's easier to help from the outside.
This means leaving everything aside... and going, but you have to run after your wife with flowers and pleas for forgiveness. What kind of cooking and cleaning can there be? Are you a mother of many children? And even then, there are mothers who, with five children, manage to cook, clean, and do housework, and their children are a sight to behold! And they go to the Temple if they wish!!! Stop loving and feeling sorry for yourself, think a little about others! Do something important, useful, accomplish a “spiritual feat”... You have such important issues in life being resolved, and you are cooking, washing... All this vanity pales in comparison to the most important purpose on this earth, to raise and educate your child as a Human!!! Come to your senses. God help you!!!
Everyone needs someone who will love them for who they are, so that harmony reigns in the family. But the statistics on this matter are merciless. After looking at her, some will simply be afraid to tie the knot, go through all this, and then turn out to be yet another proof of how often families have become destroyed today. That is why you should not rely on the fact that everything will work out by itself, and your family boat will sail without obstacles for many years. If you want to reduce the existing risks, take the time to find out the most common causes of divorce, as they say, “Forewarned is forearmed.”
Why do marriages break up?
Whether a family is doomed to divorce in many cases cannot be predicted in advance. Life is too unpredictable, like people, and if in one case everything ends in a quarrel and no less stormy reconciliation and this continues for years to the surprise of others, then in another a minor misunderstanding can cause divorce and a complex division of acquired property.
To say what caused such a difficult decision to be made, you need to be in the place of the person who made it. But there are still situations that, even without any psychoanalysis, indicate that such a marriage is doomed. Because it is based on an absolutely false idea of what a family is and what functions a man and a woman usually perform in it.
At a time of passionate love, when hormones are playing and the whole world is focused on him, the most beloved and only one, no one wants to notice the alarming signals that when the passion goes away, and it will definitely go away, great contradictions will arise that, like an iceberg, will split the once happy couple. If people do not have mutual understanding, the same attitude to life in the most important issues, they have different attitudes towards issues such as men's and women's rights and responsibilities, and have not learned to hear and accept each other as they are, there is a chance that that the family will fall apart very great.
Now they are held together by strong attraction, novelty, and the absence of any problems. When people meet, they don’t have to think about their daily bread, about how to provide for their children, buy a home, or earn money for themselves and their family. Their thoughts are focused solely on having fun, communicating and walking under the moonlight. They enjoy being together. The future seems bright to them, especially for women. Although men do not always think about whether they can be responsible for someone other than themselves, whether they have enough strength and desire for this.
Therefore, psychologists warn that before submitting an application to the registry office, it is very important to get to know each other well, and understand: are you compatible in bed, in everyday life, do your plans for children, career, study, money and even such things as who will bear the child coincide? garbage, and whether the husband should help with the housework, and whether he is ready to do this. Of course, this does not mean that if people agree with each other on these issues or are willing to give in, everything will be fine.
Time passes, experience is gained, and sometimes a person may realize that what is happening does not suit him at all. The wife began to take less careful care of herself, the husband is no longer so active at night and caring, difficulties at work, contradictions unresolved in time, internal problems, grievances and complaints that everyone necessarily has, can lead to an increase in discontent, which will very soon manifest itself in a loud voice. And if people are not used to resolving misunderstandings immediately, trying not to hold a debriefing with a listing of all conceivable and inconceivable shortcomings, quarrels and scandals with breaking dishes are guaranteed.
For women and men who are emotionally depressed and repressed, the inability to express emotions in a timely manner, the reluctance to discuss mistakes and mistakes lead to the fact that spouses stop hearing each other and begin to live their own lives. Most often, men indulge in all sorts of serious things or take on a mistress, while women withdraw into themselves and devote even more time to their children, work, or household chores rather than to establishing personal relationships. And if a representative of the stronger sex does not feel strong discomfort at home and is satisfied with everything, and his wife turns a blind eye to his negligence and infidelity, such a family can last a very long time.
Most often, the opposite happens: modern women are more independent and many have the opportunity to provide for themselves and their children, or they have already become the main breadwinner in the family. Therefore, they will not tolerate someone who is not trying to understand them, and who has also found a passion on the side. They simply don’t see the point of carrying the whole life on themselves and also providing next to someone who does not satisfy them either in life or in bed.
If there is mutual understanding, respect, support and care, differences in intimate behavior do not have such a sensitive impact on the family. The decrease in desire in the husband is compensated by its increase in the woman. And when two people feel as good together morally as they did in the first years of acquaintance, they will easily adapt to each other’s characteristics and desires in the intimate sphere. When changes in this area of relationships are accompanied by problems with mutual understanding, support, respect, etc., the marriage, as a rule, breaks up. This usually happens on the woman's initiative.
Other reasons that can lead to a breakup include trivial things. This is the attitude to hygiene, and to food, and to household duties, when a representative of the fair sex does not want to be exclusively a service staff, and the husband adheres to real house-building and believes that he should not help either in the kitchen, or in the house, or with the children.
It seems that in order to save the family you can give in somewhere, come to an agreement somewhere, but this is far from true. A person is not able to constantly give in and agree with what he really does not like. It is very difficult to give in, and it is impossible to endure day after day what causes irritation. Sooner or later, the accumulated resentment will break out on the unsuspecting partner.
Little things are little things, but they add up to the overall picture of the relationships that people have built with each other. While they were dating, these little things were not so noticeable, but having lived together, they now see their loved one from a side that was previously unknown to them. And here it all depends on how much they coincide in such trifles.
When they are perceived positively, any negativity does not have a strong impact on feelings towards a person, but when there are more negative habits, then everything is perceived with hostility. And any little thing can cause indignation, bad mood and a quarrel out of nowhere. And where scandals and discontent, tension and hidden aggression constantly reign, the family will definitely fall apart. No reason will make people tolerate too much negativity other than fear and outright violence. And then at the first opportunity a person will try to run away and disappear.
Incompatibility in bed, different attitudes towards sex, non-acceptance of a partner with his desires, inability to please each other can destroy any family, as well as financial problems. Because living, constantly experiencing tension, be it sexual or fear that there is no money to buy groceries and pay for the apartment tomorrow, is unbearable. Everyone will definitely start looking for the culprit and all worries about this will spill over onto the husband, since it is his responsibility to provide for the family and play the main role in bed.
And if nothing changes, a woman, especially if she has children, will do everything to get rid of the fear of poverty, find herself a job or another man who will relieve her of it. Money problems are much more likely to cause divorce, especially among couples who live together for a long time, than problems with intimacy. Because a woman is capable of solving the issue of earning money on her own, and once she gets a job, nothing will keep her close to someone who not only doesn’t earn money himself, but also becomes a burden. And not all men are ready to tolerate it when their wife begins to grow in her career. The stronger sex rarely puts up with the fact that his wife has “overtaken” him.
Of course, it is impossible to foresee everything in life, but if you show wisdom and take your time when choosing a future husband or wife, any person is able to lay a solid foundation for strong family relationships. Family is too important to be created irresponsibly.
If we analyze the problems of clients’ requests to psychologists, we will notice a large number of issues related to the normalization of family relationships. And although, as a rule, women turn to specialists for help, these problems worry men no less. Here are a few typical questions clients ask a psychologist:
- I’m 24, I’ve been married for a year and a half, my relationship with my husband is good, we rarely quarrel, but they have lost their novelty and romance, I constantly notice his shortcomings and less and less his advantages, I no longer remember why I fell in love with him and why I got married. Anonymous.
- Lately, for about three months, my husband has been constantly nagging me. At first I found excuses for him, but the last time he lost his temper out of nowhere. And I, remembering previous quarrels, realized that they too were “sucked out of thin air.” We have been married for 16 years and have three children. Olga.
- My husband and I have been living for almost 40 years, we have 2 adult sons. 8 years ago I found out that he had a woman. During this time, there was a lot of evidence of this (he called her, she called him, I heard when he accidentally turned on his mobile phone that they were together, random photos on his phone, etc.). What should I do? Anonymous.
- I am 25 years old, my husband is 23 years old. We have 2 children - twins. We have been married for 3 years. For about 1.5 years now, my husband has been constantly refusing intimacy. I tried everything: they talked heart to heart, showed initiative, asked in a good way with affection and tenderness, and vice versa - she was offended, she demanded. Nothing helps. I am already exhausted, depression has set in, very often I am in a bad mood, angry, and crying. The whole mood affects children in a bad way. Tell me, how can I find an approach to my husband and solve the problem? Or is there nothing you can do to help here? What is the right thing to do in such situations? Is it possible to save a marriage?
- I'm married and we have a son. He is 9 months old. When I was pregnant, my husband went on a spree. I gave birth and the partying continued. I saw photos with his next girls. I constantly sit at home with my child, and he only goes for walks. Works and walks. Sits in cafes. Is it possible to somehow get him out of his wild, hard-drinking life and is it worth continuing the relationship? Is there any point in this if all he knows is to go for walks? Hope.
- My husband and I have been married for 4 years, but during this time there were only a few months of normal family life. We very often do not understand each other, I pretend that I don’t care, but he says that I have become very attentive to him, we separated a million times and still got back together. I have noticeably changed in the relationship, but my husband does not want to change and give in to me in some situations, but on the contrary, he does it out of spite. Our relationship is like a boomerang. Together is not possible and apart is not possible! Anonymous.
Behind all the variety of problems there is usually a fuzzy idea of the spouses of the image of the “ideal” family; inability to consider a problem from the outside, and not just from one’s internal position; building a family without partners understanding its tasks; lack of knowledge of the basic patterns of family functioning (stages of development, crises, influence of children, parental family, etc.); not being willing to compromise, looking for mutually acceptable solutions, and much more.
Still, let's try to understand the intricacies of family problems
, in order to help readers, at least to some extent, deal with them independently.
It should be understood that the life of each family does not proceed uniformly, but has its own stages and corresponding “normative” crises. Such crises should be viewed as positive and conducive to family development.
The psychological literature identifies the following normative crises:
- Crisis 1. Taking on marital obligations.
At the same time, the spouses adapt to family life and to each other (communication with friends and relatives, resolving conflicts between personal and family needs, distributing areas of responsibility, achieving sexual harmony, solving housing problems and acquiring their own property). - Crisis 2. Spouses mastering parental roles
(caring for a small child, adapting to a long period of child care, ensuring the child’s development, his safety and parental authority). - Crisis 3
. Children entering kindergarten, school
(redistribution of responsibilities in the family in connection with the child’s admission to kindergarten or school, solving problems of discipline, study, etc., helping the child prepare homework). - Crisis 4. Acceptance of the fact that the child is entering adolescence
(redistribution of control between parents and children, changing the type of parental behavior and roles, preparing for the psychological, and then the real departure of the teenager from home). - Crisis 5. A grown child leaves home
(correctly leaving home, entering an educational institution, military or other service). - Crisis 6. The spouses are left alone again
(revision of marital relationships, redistribution of responsibilities and time, adaptation to retirement). - Crisis 7. One of the partners is left alone
after the death of the other. Acceptance of the fact of the death of one of the spouses (adaptation of the widowed partner to loneliness, search for new connections with family, acceptance of care and help from family members or social environment).
The main reasons why relationships fail
Every relationship is unique and has its own problems. This could be a lack of sex, lack of normal communication, various everyday problems, and so on. The reasons for breaking up a relationship vary. Next, I will tell you about the five most common reasons for separation.
Wrong choice of partner
The most common reason for relationship breakdown is when our partner is simply not right for us. Often the differences between two people are too great from the very beginning, and it is quite obvious that this will not end well. We are all emotionally dependent people. We cannot remain alone for a long time, and we need constant recognition from our partner. Because it makes us feel good.
We look for happiness and satisfaction in our partner. This emotional dependence often makes us recklessly enter into a relationship with a person, even if he is not suitable for us, just to avoid being alone. As a result, this leads to separation, and the wrong choice of partner is one of the most common reasons why relationships fail. After all, if we try to build a life with a person who is not suitable for us, then sooner or later it will all end in failure.
Period of falling in love
The phase of falling in love is a critical state of our brain. Falling in love makes us perceive many things incorrectly and reduce other feelings. The period of falling in love usually lasts from six months to three years. During this stage, we are very focused on our partner as well as this relationship, and we often "look at everything through rose-colored, heart-shaped glasses."
When this romantic state passes, many realize that their relationship is beginning to deteriorate, but do not understand the real reason. As a result, partners must enter a new phase in which romantic infatuation gives way to feelings of respect, togetherness and tranquility. At this stage, our brain is controlled by other circuits. Unfortunately, many people do not understand this, and begin to yearn for that critical state of love. And, when their feeling of love has passed, and it’s time to move on to a new stage of the relationship, they simply end it and look for a new surge of love with the next partner. This is why relationships fail.
