If the mistress of a married man truly falls in love with him and begins to paint ideal pictures of a future together, forgetting about the presence of a wife and children, then she can suffer greatly. The biggest risk is losing that resource that cannot be replenished with anything, the resource that determines everything we do and how we live - time. A woman can hope for years that her status will change, even if she asserts out loud that she does not need anything from the man she loves except himself.
She sincerely believes that the man she loves will take the most important step for her. He would have done it a long time ago, because he is so tired of his vixen wife, it’s just that the “vixen” has diabetes, a bad heart or suicidal tendencies (underline as appropriate), and again, children. As a decent person, he simply cannot do this to them and leave them without a mother, otherwise he would have left long ago.
However, the statistics are inexorable: if a man decides to leave, then most often this happens in the first year and a half from the start of the relationship. Endorphin love helps a man take this step, although sometimes people create a common space even after 10 years of secret relationships. However, this is the exception rather than the rule.
More often than not, despite talk about a sick spouse, and about the lack of love and attraction in marriage, children are born in the family, and the woman on the side lives her life, feeding mainly on hope. Not a very emotionally healthy diet.
A woman who is frozen in her love for a deeply married man gives a huge amount of her feminine energy for the benefit of his life... and his family. As the years go by, self-esteem declines and anxiety about the future grows. Well, what kind of personal happiness is there?
Legal spouse and her victims
A woman who is faced with a situation where her husband’s affair is discovered on the side experiences a severe blow. She experiences the loss of attention and former love, and even receives a powerful blow to her self-esteem.
At this moment, a woman faces a choice, and a lot will depend on what internal decision she makes and what strategy and tactics she chooses. Women often literally start hostilities.
The spouse and mistress are not even fighting for a specific man. Rather, it is a struggle between two female individuals - for some, for marital status, for the right to feel more attractive than the other; for someone for a resource, for fatherhood for their children, for true love.
A spouse who decides to save the family at all costs sacrifices a lot. The man, feeling his impunity, begins to dictate his terms, and the wife, like the mistress, has been waiting for years for the relationship to end, and the state of rejection and coldness hurts and makes her suffer.
What is depression and how to get out of it?
Anetta Orlova is a business coach, writer, radio host and famous psychologist. She can help, it seems, in any difficult situation.
Especially for PEOPLETALK, she told what depression is and how to get out of it with minimal losses.
Depression is the favorite state of all sensitive, emotional and vulnerable people, you say? Not at all. Most often, people who suffer from depression are strong-willed, strong, and have high demands on themselves.
Long-term depressed mood often results from a combination of a strong character, high intelligence, and poor brain processing of life's realities. When a person has a lot of erroneous beliefs and attitudes in his head, learned in childhood, but depriving him of both sleep and mood in adulthood.
If you understand that the “Russian blues” is taking over you little by little, you need to realize that life during this period takes place entirely in your head. In the world of plans, assessments, self-flagellation, judgments and tasks. That is why depression is the root cause of the collapse of all plans and missed opportunities. Since the connection with reality is lost, we can only regain the sense of significance of the current moment thanks to ourselves. The easiest way to do this is through your body.
Focus on how it feels. Most likely, you will understand that it is too tense or exhausted, sleeps poorly or cannot get enough, maybe something hurts and it urgently needs help. This is all due to the hormonal surges that our body actively makes during periods of depression. By self-criticism and whining, we actively stimulate certain parts of the brain, and in response it sends us a lethal dose of cortisol, adrenaline or prolactin.
If the state of decline and despondency has lasted too long, then it’s time to get rid of depression in simple and effective ways
Exercise stress. This is one of the simplest and fastest ways to overcome depressive symptoms. Yoga, Pilates and swimming are great. And the barbell, running and other functionality are absolutely great. As soon as you begin to force your body into active work, believe me, it will be able to sort out your brain.
Get your thoughts in order. Take a notepad, a pen and set up a trial over them, where you act as your own lawyer. For every negative judgment, write three positive points of view. For example: he doesn't call anymore and I'm suffering. And here are the arguments: but because of my nerves, I lost a lot of weight; I initially understood that all this would not last long; and in general - he doesn’t deserve me. Let this technique not seem stupid or far-fetched. Keep in mind that in this way you consciously turn to your brain with a request to turn on life-saving and life-affirming mechanisms as soon as possible. Not the first time, but the third time he will definitely respond. And it will stop driving you to constant self-flagellation or frustration.
Meditate. Every day, at least for five minutes, close your eyes and form an image of a successful future and a beautiful yourself. Float away from catastrophic thoughts into a universe where everything is good and under control.
Take a closer look at your surroundings. If there are those in your immediate vicinity who upset your sensitive areas (an ex, a new ex, a “good” girlfriend, strange colleagues or relatives), exclude them from your social circle. You can’t do it forever, then at least temporarily. Until you gain psychological stability.
Start thanking yourself. And then those around you and the universe. Sincerely. Find reasons to say “thank you” and help. The ability to be grateful gives strong energy to the soul and mind.
The man and his bonuses
In a love triangle, the partner who is married is usually the great manager of the relationship. Yes, he gets tired, wears out, but at the same time he knows at what moment what to say and to whom in order to maintain a sense of security and romantic experiences. In addition, the presence of a mistress serves as a kind of jack for raising self-esteem in those men who, somewhere deep in their souls, are convinced that they are unworthy. These types are accustomed to using women and their emotions to feed their own pride and narcissistic self.
Anetta Orlova: the space of love is when you allow people to be who they are
Angelina Grokholskaya: The “Big Country” program is on the air, hello.
Anetta Orlova: Hello.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Our guest today is Anetta Orlova, psychologist, radio host. He knows the secrets of female magnetism, knows how to find the man of your dreams, and is generally an amazing person; I hope he will tell us a lot of things today, on the eve of the spring, the most feminine holiday. Anetta, hello, thank you for visiting us today.
Anetta Orlova: Hello.
Anetta Orlova is a practicing psychologist, writer, and radio journalist. According to the horoscope Taurus. Born in Moscow, father is a mathematician, mother is a doctor. Graduated from two universities. He is a candidate of sociological sciences. Her real name is Anna, but even her friends are more familiar with the pseudonym Anetta.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Anetta, I want to discuss news from the world of science with you. I’ll read it to you now, and you will comment on it. Because she struck me a little, let’s put it this way. Scientists have found that men and women type text on a computer keyboard differently, and with the help of certain tests it is possible to find out one hundred percent who typed this text - a man or a woman. Tell me, please, are we really so different that even in such little things we differ from each other?
Anetta Orlova: Well, I think that of course, as they say, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, we have completely different perceptions of life. The specifics of the general interaction “man – system”, that is, “man – computer”, will be very different for a man and a woman. For a man, of course, this is a more familiar and natural environment; for a woman, she will rather think about how beautiful and how rhythmic she is, and how harmoniously she types the text that she writes.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Listen, I didn’t even think about it. To be honest, now I remember how my male colleagues recruit representatives of the fairer sex. But it’s true, in the end it turns out the same thing, but in different ways.
Anetta Orlova: Most likely, a woman will type more superficially, pressing a little, while I think that perhaps it will be more rhythmic, while men will be quite clear, fast, and succinct. And naturally, the syllable itself is very different. A woman will use continuous adjectives and participial phrases, while a man will use more verbs. Clarity, clarity and focus.
Angelina Grokholskaya: So, let's continue. “Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus” - you have already said this, this is such a well-known phrase, a well-known title of the book. Are you and your spouse also from different planets?
Anetta Orlova: This is a very difficult question. I think that we are in some part... In general, it happens very well when two people meet in basic characteristics, from nature, these are the characteristics that we inherit genetically, it is desirable that they be different. But the perception of life - here, on the contrary, the principle of homogeneity, that is, the principle of community, is very important.
So I think that the most basic criterion by which we differ is that I am hyper-anxious, and by nature I am like that. This is probably why I have a very finely developed emotional sense; I closely empathize with what happens to other people. Therefore, naturally, a psychologist came out of me when I compensated for a long, long time and learned to cope with some of my own difficulties. And in the database, my husband is very calm, that is, he is absolutely calm, and this basic fear, the one that is present somewhere in an anxious person, is absolutely not present in my husband in the database. He is absolutely cold-blooded, very calm, balanced. His nervous system slowly becomes excited.
But in terms of characteristic traits, if we take the traits that come to us in connection with our upbringing, we have the same outlook on life, we have the same values. For us, the principle of helping each other, the principle of trust, is equally important. That is, those qualities that are already formed in the process of education. And in principle, in marriage it is important that the natural characteristics are slightly different, then people are attracted to each other. But those that come to us from our ancestral history, so that there are many similarities, because then it is easier for people to establish this common space.
Angelina Grokholskaya: General contact. Anetta, do you remember in general, there was a moment after which you realized that yes, this person would do for me, maybe, if not everything, then a lot?
Anetta Orlova: Not right away. When I got married, everyone tried to dissuade me. It just happened to me - how come, he’s such a hooligan, he has so many problems of his own.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Your future husband also had a son at that time?
Anetta Orlova: Yes. He was already divorced by that time; when we met, Artem was six years old. Yes, he lived with him. And there was a lot of confrontation. And many people dissuaded me, because it seems like people like you are courting you - well, there were quite a lot of suitors. I say: “No, I choose a person who will be kind to children.” It was important for me that I felt that he would be kind to the children. And the fact that he had a son, whom he treated well, and the fact that his son stayed with him...
Angelina Grokholskaya: It was an indicator, right?
Anetta Orlova: ... for me it was a big indicator, yes.
Angelina Grokholskaya: What is your spouse’s name?
Anetta Orlova: Konstantin.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Konstantin. And then you asked, it was just during an illness, that Konstantin and your mother write letters to you.
Anetta Orlova: Yes, it's true.
Angelina Grokholskaya: What kind of story is this, what kind of letters were there, why?
Anetta Orlova: Well, you know how, as the great Viktor Frankl said, if a person understands why, he can withstand any “how” - that’s literally how it will be. And that period of my life when I became very ill, it was quite a difficult period. There were no children then, of course, what kind of children could we be talking about, but it was necessary to rely on something. And in this situation... I’m generally a fighter by nature, there were so many different life circumstances that I, in principle, got used to taking on the challenge of this life, not complaining about the plot, but overcoming it. And you know, this probably became another challenge for me to survive. This was also a challenge. And there was a dream not to become a burden to them yet. But it was so bad that points of support were needed. This “for the sake of what” that Viktor Frankl spoke about, I needed to understand that in order to be with them. And I needed these letters, because my mother wrote me a letter, my husband wrote a letter.
And most of all I love my mother’s phrase: “I am so grateful to you that you chose me as your mother.” And this phrase, it seemed to oblige me to survive. Because I have to, Mom. And in general, it seems to me that this idea, the mission that I had since childhood - to make my mother happy, it seems to me that in this situation, in the illness, it played such a positive role. Because I realized that I have to, I have to in general. And now I borrowed this phrase from my mother, and now I regularly say to my children: “Oh, Edik, it’s so good that you chose, thank you for choosing me as your mother.” Well, it’s the same for Sonechka.
Angelina Grokholskaya: And Konstantin said: “Thank you for choosing me as your husband”? Or something close to this?
Anetta Orlova: Well, no, “thank you for choosing” - no, because he chose me. I think he was choosing. I am just one of those girls who were more...
Angelina Grokholskaya: We submitted.
Anetta Orlova: Yes, I’m more of a follower, it seems to me.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Anetta, they say, at least it is believed, there is such a stereotype, I don’t know, the rule, that any girl, girl - she subconsciously, when she chooses a husband, she chooses a man who is similar to her father.
Anetta Orlova: Yes, but not in my case.
Angelina Grokholskaya: No?
Anetta Orlova: No. In my case, it seems to me that it was the opposite choice. My dad is a mathematician, a writer, he is a very, incredibly intelligent person, a very strong personality.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Was he authoritarian?
Anetta Orlova: Very much. That's it, he was very authoritarian. Despite the fact that he has a million advantages in terms of abilities, a person with incredible abilities. But at the same time, in terms of personality structure, this person is very dominant, very authoritarian and quite egocentric. I knew for sure that I didn’t want to repeat my mother’s scenario in my life, because yes, there are a million advantages, but the person is very authoritarian. And I knew for sure that I would like the person with whom I would live to love children. Because my dad always said: “I love my wife, but for me you are just some kind of ...”
Angelina Grokholskaya: Well, yes, yes.
Anetta Orlova: Well, there are, well, yes. We were so, we were in the way, in general. And the real reason they separated is that mom is a very, very mom. Despite the fact that she is a super-specialist, despite the fact that she is a doctor who trained those people who now read all the reports at conferences. And we come and understand that she sits quietly, modestly in the hall, but she taught those people who are now receiving this ovation. But my mother always, always maintained a balance between family and work. And despite the incredible, people from different countries come to see her, despite the fact that she is very successful in her work, professionally, it doesn’t matter if we say who you are, every person identifies himself, probably, this is “who you are” and how you will answer.
Now, if they ask me: “Who are you, Anetta?” – I’ll probably say that I still... Who am I? Well, I’ll probably say that I’m a psychologist. It seems to me that I’m already so used to being a psychologist. It's rare that I'm invited as a person. I'm used to it: Anetta, psychologist. When a situation arises where there is no one in the studio to say anything, then what does the presenter do?
Angelina Grokholskaya: She says it’s you.
Anetta Orlova: She turns around, yes: “Now we’ll ask a psychologist,” when everyone has already said everything, and you need to say something smart after all the smart people have already said. In general, I'm used to it. Here is my mother, she somehow managed to be a very, incredibly warm, richly warm person, people love her very much. And at the same time a professional. And the most important thing is that she is, first and foremost, a mother. Somehow she managed it. She’s married now, for how many years now – they’ve been living with their stepfather for 20 years. But the very fact that she was somehow able to achieve this balance in herself. And that’s why I’m very grateful to her.
Angelina Grokholskaya: We will continue to talk with Anetta Orlova and find out how to find something in common between men and women, how we can come to an agreement.
Anetta Orlova believes that she was able to achieve professional and family harmony. She is a happy wife, mother of two children. He writes books on popular psychology, conducts trainings, acts as an expert on many television and radio programs, and in his free time likes to attend photo exhibitions and travel. Her life motto is with gratitude for well-being.
Angelina Grokholskaya: How can men and women understand each other? It seems to me that on the eve of March 8 this is more than relevant. Anetta, we have already learned a little about you, your story. And so, perhaps, based on your own experience, please tell us how a woman can preserve her “I”, her personality with an authoritarian father, with a husband. Maybe not authoritarian, but still there is another stereotype that a man should still be in charge, and a woman is somewhere in the shadows. But we want it too.
Anetta Orlova: It seems to me that this is very correct when the man is in charge, and we are in the shadows. It seems to me that this definitely does not need to be overcome. But a lot depends on that, because we are all very different. Man in general is very rich in internal contradictions. And in each of us there are actually so many personalities. And the same person, on the one hand he is very gentle, wonderful and responsible, on the other hand he is suddenly confused and irresponsible, and perhaps he may do something wrong. Life is difficult, it is impossible to live it, you know, by coloring some picture and making it an incredibly beautiful masterpiece. All the same, somewhere the fabric will tear, somewhere the wrong colors will be used. There will still be a blot somewhere.
And so it seems to me that a woman, first of all, must say to herself that “I do what I can, I try to have a space of love around me.” This is a space in which you forgive your loved ones, those closest to you, a little more than others, and not vice versa, when you want to be good in front of everyone, but you spread rot on those who are next to you. The space of love is when you allow people to be who they are, and do not demand that they correspond to the photograph that you took when you first saw the person. So I took a photograph of him when I just saw him, I idealized him, and then he simply owes this ideal to my own portrait, that is, my hallucination about him, he must correspond all his life.
Angelina Grokholskaya: But we also want to fit in, men very often demand the same from their ladies: “I saw you, you were so young, slim and beautiful,” and he wants that in 20, 30 , 40 years later she was the same.
Anetta Orlova: Well, this is a very healthy male desire, because it seems to me that a man, if you look at why he gets married in the first place, what is magnetically attractive to him in the first place is the appearance of a woman, it is the intimate intimacy with this particular woman , otherwise he would not have married. Next, he needs that others like this woman, so that she is, in principle, such a certain face of his male portrait, that he has such a wife. And of course, he needs admiration from his wife, because a wife who admires her husband will always be more attractive to her husband than one who endlessly criticizes him.
Of course, we as women are more responsible, probably, for... Not that responsible, the bad word is responsible. Still, the preservation of the family largely depends on the woman. So we have to give this warmth and space. We ourselves should be some kind of decoration of this space, somewhere we should show condescension, you know how, when we understand that a man has this running syndrome - running everywhere.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Should we be a little smarter, wiser?
Anetta Orlova: That's a good question. I don’t like the word “wiser”; I always associate it with old age. So, smarter - it also seems to me that it’s bad to be smarter than a man. Maybe we can come up with some such word, well, it seems to me – it’s more flexible. A woman should be more flexible, she should be able to adapt to external circumstances, because a man is a vector, and a woman is space. And it seems to me that a woman should be more merciful and kinder. If a woman has kindness, she will be able to overcome many things. And the third important component is that she should never become completely fixated on a man. If this happens, then the most beautiful, the most beautiful, the most incredibly sexually attractive woman will gradually bore the man.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Anetta, women have changed over the century. Tomorrow is March 8, and here I have a surprise for you, we have prepared and found several slogans - real slogans that existed in Soviet times. It seems to me that some of them are still relevant today. I’ll read it to you, and you comment in general, they can be applied to modern women. Let's play. So, slogan number one: “Down with kitchen slavery!” Give me a new way of life!”
Anetta Orlova: Great, I think it’s excellent. Today this is the slogan of men who get up in the morning, on March 8th in the morning they give out this slogan.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Then the next slogan, to whom I read it, everyone says - well, that’s for sure, it’s about us. “Night is not a hindrance to work.”
Anetta Orlova: It seems to me that in this sense it is also applicable, because at the moment this again concerns not only women.
Angelina Grokholskaya: This is absolutely everyone.
Anetta Orlova: This concerns everyone. I would say that our lives today are divided. We have a first shift - this is when we go to work and earn money. The second shift is when we are at home with our family, we should be... And the third shift is at night, this is when we are engaged in self-development: everyone sits on the Internet and watches something, develops and reads, and studies.
Angelina Grokholskaya: And one more. But this is no longer even a slogan, but it seems to me that this could be the end of our conversation today. “Long live women - workers of the whole Earth!”
Anetta Orlova: Well, I would change it: “Long live women - the slackers of the whole Earth.” Let it be better for women to have at least one day a year, let them be healthy not because of what they do and not because they work, but because they can, on the contrary, refuse something, not do something and pamper yourself. I tell all the girls - girls, besides the fact that you always praise yourself in the evening for what I did this and that today, write the same list: “Today I refused when they forced it on me. I didn’t do it today because I didn’t want to.”
Angelina Grokholskaya: That's good.
Anetta Orlova: Right on March 8, we start a new life - we write a list and notice what we didn’t take on because we didn’t want to.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Because our men did it for us.
Anetta Orlova: Of course.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Anetta, I have a question. And the gifts that, I hope, our men will give us tomorrow, how should we accept, what should we say in response?
Anetta Orlova: You know, gifts are a completely separate space, this is a magical space. And we also need to be able to tame a man so that he can give gifts. When I met my husband, I remember this story, when the first year, March 8, and somehow we seem to have been communicating for quite a long time, but somehow he doesn’t give any gifts, some small ones - a bouquet. And I thought to myself and said: “Listen, I really want you to pamper me with something on March 8.” This phrase “pampered” had an effect on him. And he was so confused, he said: “Listen, yes, I’ll probably buy it for you - what do you want? Lipstick, maybe? I say: “What are you, no, something more significant.” I remember he thought and thought and said: “Let’s go buy it together.” This was the first such serious gift that he bought.
And then he told me: “You know, you asked me so, you said ‘indulge me’, which is what I wanted.” Time has passed, and a person who was completely unaccustomed to the culture of gifts, I go out on my birthday, it’s already been several years, I go out and see that there is a huge billboard hanging on Volgogradsky Prospekt, there is my photo, and they congratulate me on the day birth.
Angelina Grokholskaya: What are you talking about?
Anetta Orlova: Yes, there were two billboards.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Is this Konstantin?
Anetta Orlova: Konstantin, yes. And I remember this state - I was going to work, and I couldn’t at all... It was probably one of the best gifts in my life that he gave me. But this was done by a person who initially did not understand that gifts should be given at all. Therefore, it seems to me that it makes sense to ask somewhere, but asking does not mean reproaching or demanding. If a person gives you a gift, be sure to accept it, rejoice, and under no circumstances say: “I didn’t want that, oh, that’s not it again.” And in general, today there is still time to ask. That's what you want, you ask. You don’t have to wait for her to figure it out on her own; he’s not a psychic. Ask and it will be given to you, and then give thanks. And in general, a woman who is able not only to feel gratitude, but also to express it, she is incredibly attractive.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Anetta, thank you very much. I really hope that your son enjoys our conversation today. I liked it madly. And thank you very much for opening up today not only as a psychologist, but also simply as a woman, this is wonderful.
Anetta Orlova: Thank you.
Angelina Grokholskaya: And we also have a small bouquet of flowers.
Anetta Orlova: Oh, thank you. How lovely. Thank you.
Angelina Grokholskaya: Thank you incredibly.
Anetta Orlova: Thank you, Angelina, because you are like the sun. When you come to see us, you always leave with the feeling that this world is filled with goodness, and this goodness shines on our entire large country.
Angelina Grokholskaya: We are trying, thank you very much. Today in our studio we spoke with psychologist, radio host and simply a wonderful woman, Anetta Orlova.
