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In this article:
- Possible reasons
- How to find out the reason?
- What to do?
- Are there times when a problem cannot be solved?
Fatigue, lack of sleep, lack of time for oneself, postpartum syndrome - all this haunts a woman in the first weeks after childbirth. It is not so easy to adapt to a new regime, and the spouse does not pay any attention to the child. What to do if the husband does not approach the newborn, and why he behaves this way is a question that every second woman asks herself.
The birth of a child inevitably creates a crisis situation in the family. Most spouses face misunderstandings. Women are angry with fathers, and they are angry with mothers, because they believe that only women should take care of the child. Men do not understand that for the harmonious development of the baby, communication with the father is just as important as communication with the mother. However, misunderstanding is not the only reason for fatherly coldness.
Possible reasons
Why does the husband not pay attention to the child:
There is no “parental instinct”
Whether it appears or not depends on a number of reasons: the internal attitudes and values of the parent, close emotional communication with the child in the first 36 hours, the mental balance of the parent, emotional involvement in pregnancy and childbirth.
Men often find themselves left out of the process of bearing a child, and in most families, boys are instilled with rigidity and attitudes towards the role of breadwinner from childhood. If a man behaved distantly during pregnancy, then you should not expect drastic changes after the birth of the baby. Read more about maternal instinct →
Jealousy
Dissolving in the child, women forget to pay attention to their husband and take care of him. There is no food in the house, there is a mess, there is no sex, the wife sleeps in another room - who will like it. Jealousy gives rise to resentment towards the woman and hatred towards the child.
Fear of harming the child
Men are afraid of causing physical harm, crushing, dropping, feeding incorrectly or changing diapers.
“You are a mother, you know better”
Almost all men believe that women are programmed to bear and raise children and care for them. As if all knowledge and skills were given to them from birth.
Suppression by a woman, displacement of a husband by grandmother or sisters, nannies
Some mothers create a secluded little world where there are only them and their children, sometimes other women. Men are not allowed there. Some people don’t need this, others get tired after 15-20 attempts to get closer to their wife, find out how she is feeling, go shopping together, etc.
The birth of a child is stressful for all family members
Men also get tired and can also become depressed. Respect your partner, take an interest in his life. Myths about postpartum depression →
Constructive criticism
Men do not like criticism, and criticism in family life can unsettle them for a long time and turn them on themselves. If a woman, for every unsuccessful attempt by her husband to take part in raising a child, tells him: “You’re doing it wrong!” or “Everything is always wrong with you,” she should not be surprised that the man will begin to avoid any assignments.
It’s even worse if the young mother begins to compare her husband with someone else who has the same actions with better results. Making such analogies by men is perceived as an insult, which can cause justified aggression towards the provocateur.
Not every mistake of a man who makes sincere attempts to help his wife and child requires censure, and some of them are better not to be noticed at all. It’s okay if the baby goes for a walk in his undershirt, worn inside out; it’s much more important that dad doesn’t shy away from the process of dressing the baby.
If a man made a mistake where the correctness of actions is necessary to preserve the baby’s health (for example, he did not put a warm hat on top of his cap), he should point out the mistake, focusing on the action itself, and not on the mistake. This is how it should sound: “It’s already cold outside, and we put on a woolen hat on top of a cotton one. This way the baby won’t freeze.” In essence, this is also criticism, but it is so veiled that it will not cause offense.
How to find out the reason?
The reason can only be found out through a confidential conversation with a partner. You need to find out the motives for a man’s behavior in a calm tone, without shouting, criticism or reproaches. Perhaps he is simply not ready for the role of a father, he is afraid, and therefore is looking for reasons not to appear at home (delay at work, helping a friend with repairs).
You need to ask for help, explain the importance of support from your husband. Or maybe a man is passionate about his career in order to provide a stable and good future for his family. We need to support him, find out how much time he still needs for this. If the problem is your behavior, annoying relatives, then you need to work on it. The action plan depends on the reasons, and they are individual in each case. You can only understand a person's motives by talking to him.
“And what should we do with it?”
The appearance of a little person in the house is perceived differently by parents, especially if the baby is the first-born. Mom carried the child for 40 long weeks - she feels the slightest changes in his mood and well-being, but for dad all these sacraments remain beyond understanding.
At first, the new father is even afraid to take the child in his arms so as not to harm him, and the young mother is too absorbed in pleasant worries to devote enough time to “getting to know” the father and the newborn. She bathes and swaddles the baby, does not let him go and does not yet realize that by assigning her husband the role of an outside observer, she gives him the opportunity to believe that his life has not undergone any changes since the birth of the baby.
Having made several timid attempts to approach his child and received rebuff from a loving parent, the young father quickly calms down and begins to accept reality from a position favorable to himself. Since his services are not needed, then everything is as it should be.
What to do?
The best option is to practice prevention. That is, go with your husband to gynecological consultations, talk about your feelings, distribute child care responsibilities in advance, and explain the importance of interaction with both parents. There should be a trusting, close relationship between a man and a woman.
But what to do if the moment is missed, the child is born, and the father is cold? Talk. It is impossible to force a husband to pay attention to the child by force, manipulation, or reproaches. He must want it himself.
How to awaken fatherly feelings and a desire to help his wife in a husband:
- Encourage the desire to care for the child. Some women themselves stop contact between dad and baby: “You’re feeding him wrong, he’s swallowing air like that,” “You’re wearing the diaper wrong, it’s rubbing,” “You’re rocking him wrong.” Praise, words of gratitude and polite requests are the basis of good relationships and positive motivation.
- Explain that you also did not know and did not know how to handle a child until you experienced this personally. You also learned everything, but you also didn’t succeed in some things. Nowadays, there are so many books, forums, videos, programs and training courses in real life that learning how to care for a child is much easier, and the process itself has become more exciting. But everyone has to learn: both men and women. Offer your help to your husband, teach him what you already know.
- Trust your husband, don’t be afraid to leave him alone with the child. Agree that once a week you arrange your day or at least devote a few hours to yourself. At this time, you can go to the gym, spa, or meet with friends. Or you can agree that on his day off the man takes care of the child, does household chores, and you work. A great option for those mothers who want to keep their jobs. This is quite honest and fair, and then the husband will not be able to say that he is the breadwinner, he is the only one tired at work, etc. One day alone with the child and household chores will be enough for the partner to realize that maternity leave cannot be called rest and vacation.
- It will be great if a man takes a vacation for the first two weeks after giving birth. This time is enough for the family to be rebuilt and a world of three people to be created.
- Share your expectations about the roles of father and mother, husband and wife. Forget about the “I could have guessed” attitude; learn to speak directly about your needs, desires, and feelings. It is better to do this before the birth of the child, but if you treat each other with respect, the situation can be corrected at any stage.
- Men always remain children at heart, and they are also more practical and rational than women. Some men are not interested in communicating with a child until he begins to say something and move. Perhaps this is your case. But if interest awakens, then dad and baby will become one team. By that time the child will grow up, the father will not be so afraid to take him in his arms. And children's toys such as construction sets and cars will be of interest to dad himself.
Psychoanalyst and social psychologist Erich Fromm wrote about the differences between maternal and paternal love. Women love children unconditionally, but fathers love them for something. They should see the child’s achievements and be proud of him. Help your husband see this in the child, fantasize about the future together.
how to understand that your wife doesn't love you
girls, hello!
I already turned to you for advice in the summer. it's time for something new(no one can understand like you..(
background:
I’m 29, my wife is 26. We’ve been together for 3 years, married for almost 2 years, my son is 1.6. before marriage they lived cheerfully and carefree. both worked, earned good money, and lived for their own pleasure. a child was born, my wife went on maternity leave, I moved to another, less paid job but with a free schedule. I helped my wife with everything I could both during pregnancy and after childbirth. I'm not one of those people who comes home after work and collapses on the sofa. no matter how hard the day is, at home I am full of strength..
After the birth of the child, for some time they still lived in perfect harmony, shared concerns, problems... they lived their lives together. I began to take care of my wife even more: breakfasts on weekends, giving me the opportunity to go for manicures or just sleep in the morning. I didn’t notice how tightly my wife sat on my neck and stopped doing anything at all.. the conversations led to nothing.. I only heard about fatigue and the desire to rest.. despite the fact that 70% of my time I was at home and in everything helped...
then complaints about money began.. the wife of a spender, there wasn’t very much money.. about 40 thousand was spent only on the child, also an apartment, a car, food, etc.. they lived without luxury.. but affordable..
Because of financial and domestic problems, we often fought.. it got to the point that we separated several times for 1-2 weeks. but they didn’t stop communicating. I was always interested in the child, I went to see him every day..
in June I got a good job and started earning good money again. The wife also decided to leave maternity leave; the child turned one year old. They decided that they would take their son to his grandmother in the morning and pick him up in the evening...
I began to notice a very disdainful attitude towards myself.. my wife began to openly be rude, rude, and disregard me.. and as a result, from quarrel to quarrel, we quarreled again and separated.. We lived apart for 2.5 months. I took my son for the weekend, and on weekdays I was constantly interested in his health and mood.
I decided that it was stupid to break up with my wife because of everyday life, realized my mistakes, and spent a lot of time trying to get her back. decided to try again. they began to live together again and get used to each other. my wife began to cook, I began to spend more on the family (the spender’s wife considered me too frugal)... but she quickly got tired of all the games of being a good housewife. we returned to the household, in which she is constantly tired, constantly on the phone, gets a manicure every 2 weeks on her day off, does nothing for the family.. I look after the child all weekend like a mother hen.. the rest of the time at work: I wake up - the family is sleeping, I come home - the family is sleeping...
there has been no intimate life from the moment of reunion to this day... my wife said that now is such a period that she doesn’t want to... I was understanding, but there is a limit to everything...
attempts to talk led nowhere... my wife simply refused to talk...
Before the New Year, I decided to buy a Christmas tree and make a holiday for my son. my wife did not approve of the idea, citing the fact that our son is small, we live in a small apartment and we don’t need it... seeing my son’s reaction to the Christmas trees and garlands, I decided that a Christmas tree was simply necessary. I chose the most beautiful, most expensive garland... my wife walked around for 2 days and grumbled that it sucked, but my son was happy...
In the end, we had a fight over the Christmas tree to the point where they told me that I was tired of the everyday life, if I want to live with the child, I can stay, but the relationship is over.. I decided to stay for 1 day to spend the day off with my son. The next day the whole family went to the children's playground, ran around and went crazy. then my wife hugged me, cried, said that she loved us, that she didn’t understand what was happening. I'm very sentimental, I've forgiven everything...
and now, after the new year, everything happened again... my wife is constantly on the phone, I’m on my own...
everyone is a family with some common goals and plans, but we have nothing. they take out all the mortgages, and we, with good opportunities, are working on a push... there is no common budget... I support my family, but I don’t even know where my wife’s considerable salary goes...
somehow got into her phone... I see - correspondence with an astrologer. writes: what's wrong with my karma? In relationships with men, after 3 years I lose interest. what is the reason?
in the end, after another quarrel, he said everything... that he was a teenager, that he had a lot of complexes, dust in his eyes, he lives for himself... he said that we don’t even have sex and this is complete nonsense... he said that no one has love anymore, just irritation.. asked what I was doing wrong.. what should I change.. no answer..
As a result, the next day my wife asked me to pack my things and leave. She said that she had thought about everything a hundred times. and that's all.
We've been living apart for a week now and don't communicate. I'm taking my son for the weekend.. like this..
what is the problem? fell out of love? Am I really asking too much from my wife? I cook myself, wash my own clothes, iron my shirts... she has no desire to do anything... I’m pushing her to grow up, do more childcare, show herself as a good housewife not for me, but for her son...( Am I wrong?? How to behave further? Disperse?
Are there times when a problem cannot be solved?
Yes, such cases happen. We are talking about those situations when the husband does not help with the newborn because he did not want the child and does not love the woman. Some women, trying to save their family or keep their husbands, use a trick: they say that they are taking contraceptives, but they themselves do not, or they come up with another way to get pregnant. But this can hardly be called a trick, rather a fatal mistake.
Such stories end with the woman being left alone with the child. Or a man, out of a sense of duty, remains in the family, but the relationship between the spouses leaves much to be desired, as does the father’s attitude towards the baby. In such a situation, dad is not only cold, but also cruel.
Thus, you should not immediately panic, blame yourself and your husband for being bad parents, and the marriage is falling apart at the seams. Try to understand the motives of your partner’s behavior, analyze your and his actions. Learn to talk about your feelings and desires, respect the interests of the other person, and look at the situation through his eyes. So far, no more effective method has been invented than an honest and calm conversation. Explain that you want to understand the situation and solve the problem. You don’t look for the guilty, don’t reproach, don’t force. You want to understand your spouse, you care about the well-being of the family and each of its members.
Photo: ru.freepik.com
Anti-methods of involving a father in raising a child
Of course, the husband should help his wife with the children, but her unconscious resistance to this sometimes goes beyond all limits. How does this happen:
- a young mother is afraid that her husband, overwhelmed by worries about the child, will leave her;
- a woman feels sorry for her husband, believing that he is too tired at work;
- the consequences of raising a wife are felt, convinced that the husband should earn money, and the woman should bear the burden of the house and children.
Such behavior of the mother reveals her undeveloped attitude towards the institution of marriage and contributes to the fact that the husband helps little with the child and begins to take what is happening for granted. The man feels the young mother’s dependence on him and is in no hurry to take on more responsibilities than he had before the baby arrived in the family.
