How to react to rudeness as a teenager: Answer or remain silent? Recommendations from parents

Yesterday the family was peaceful, but today a rude, prickly, angry, ungrateful teenager is ruining everyone’s life. What to do if a child is rude to his parents: respond with severity and take him in stride, or continue to raise him as before, or maybe ignore him? And then he will understand how wrong he is? Mom and dad rush around looking for a way out, trying one tactic then another, arguing with each other, blaming each other for educational mistakes, being offended by their son (daughter). This does not correct the situation. The family is going through difficult times. What should I do?

Parents tend to blame the child. But for him, too, life is not sugar. And this is the cause of the problem. I'll tell you about one case from my practice.

The mother of 13-year-old Misha came for a consultation and complained for a long time about her son, who had become completely unbearable: “You can’t say a word to him - he’s rude, insolent, breaks down over trifles!” She asked to talk to him because the boy’s parents had exhausted their reserves of diplomacy and severity (mixed together). I agreed, on the condition that the boy himself wanted it. In such cases, children are not always willing to contact a psychologist. We talked, and... as one would expect, there were just as many, if not more, responses. They boiled down to the following: “They still think I’m small! They enter a room without knocking, they barge in with advice when they’re not asked, they dictate what to wear, what to eat and who to go out with... we’re sick of it!”

What happens to a child if he suddenly stops loving his parents and begins to consider them enemies? Calm down... don't exaggerate so much! Although, I must admit, such thoughts also occurred to me when I was raising my eldest son.

Reasons why your child is rude

A lot has been written about the reasons, including on this website (links below), so here – briefly, more about parental behavior. First and most important: no matter how acute and intense the conflicts between parents and children during this period are, do not draw conclusions about love and hate! If your child begins to be insolent and rude, this does not mean that he has stopped loving you. What could this mean?

He is fighting for his freedom!
He asserts himself!
He's training!
...or he gets your attention.

Why does he assert himself at the expense of his parents, fight for freedom with his parents and train (learn to conflict and achieve his goal in these conflicts) on his parents? Are there no other people? Why upset those closest to you?

Remember, from Dolsky: “Our most beloved people get the least love...”. This is the answer. Parents are close. They are not only geographically closest to the teenager, they have already included him in their circle of love - emotionally. It is common for all people (and especially teenagers!) to strive to be loved. They are confident in the love of their parents (of course, this applies to those families where the relationship is warm, truly family). Therefore, why direct your efforts to conquer what has already been conquered? Parents love, which means they won’t go anywhere. This is like a foundation, a springboard from which the conquest of the Big World begins: classmates, friends in your own and not your own area, on VKontakte, Facebook and other places.

The teenager’s attention is directed not inside the family, but outside, which is quite natural for his development. Even if he is one of those who spends more time at home at the computer, he still thinks more about what is behind the walls.

And in this Big World, as usually happens when exploring new territories, he faces a lot of problems and difficulties. He doesn’t know how to solve them, he has no one to consult with (his friends have the same difficulties, and his pride doesn’t allow ).

Why doesn’t the child ask his parents what to do, but is rude to them?

They would love to help, chew it and put it in their mouth, but no! Because:

pride!
you are not an authority!

You... “
last century, it sucks, which means leave me alone!” "
(quote). Your attempts to “pry into his affairs” only fuel the flames of child-parent wars.

He fights fiercely for his autonomy, suppressing your interference with hitherto prohibited methods: rudeness and rudeness. He is training on you, sharpening the claws that he will need in later life. Relieves the tension of resentment from your failures. After all, haven't you ever snapped at your husband or wife after a particularly nasty week at work? I’m not talking about your own teenage period; people tend to quickly forget their “exploits”.

The child needs your attention

Conflicts between parents and children - outbursts of discontent, hysterics, demonstrative silence or disobedience may also indicate that your child needs your attention. You spend too little time with him, or spend it formally.

...Sometimes this happened to me too, when I could ask 2-3 times in the evening about how things were at school. The son was offended: “I already told you!” and he was absolutely right: I ignored his answers.

In this case, the child, with his inappropriate behavior, may try to regain his mom and dad. And there is no point in laying the blame on him for doing it this way. He does it the way he can.

That is, there are children who are “loved” and “unloved,” but they are equally rude, trying to achieve their goals. But since the goals are opposite, the tactics of parents should be different.

What to do if a child is rude to parents?

If you overprotect your child and still see him as a baby, then:

Repeat to yourself as often as possible that this indicates his growing up
, just like the growth of breasts in girls, or the breaking of a voice in boys. Repeat this to yourself so you don't get upset, angry or offended. These emotions are a bad advisor, they will prevent you from doing everything else that is important!
Do not deprive him of your love
in the form in which you are accustomed to showing it. Do not take revenge for rudeness with terror or ignorance.
Tell him honestly about your feelings
, that his behavior offends and angers you.
When your feelings are simply unbearable, remember that this period will pass
(breasts will grow, the voice will change and your teenager will become an adult), and will pass without much loss if you are less involved in the struggle.
Let him defeat you sometimes!
Review home laws and rules towards greater freedom and independence for your child.
Always remember that detailed instructions can be annoying
. They indicate your distrust of the child. So, where possible, keep them to a minimum. For example: “Please buy bread” and do not attach to this a detailed map of the microdistrict with a bakery marked with a cross and a list of prices for different types of bread. He'll figure it out on his own, he's not a little guy.

If your son or daughter lacks attention

and this is precisely the reason that the child is rude to his parents, then advice on what to do in this case will look different.

Be sincerely (!!!) interested in his affairs,
his friends, his studies.
Find out what he needs and give it to him
. The process is not that complicated; it is enough to ask from time to time: “What can I do for you now?”
The rules will also have to be revised and independence must also be provided,
however, a child “underfed” with attention will be more likely to be dissatisfied with this and will be inclined to take it for indifference. Therefore, each “extension” must be discussed and insisted that it will bring experience and benefit to the child.

Last chance

For parents of neglected children, it is important to understand: adolescence is the last period

when it is relatively easy to establish emotional contact with children. And if you don’t do this now, another 3-5 years will pass, they will grow up and alienation will finally cement the familiar and durable wall. And not only will you yourself suffer from the fact that the child does not call or come, but he himself will have great difficulty in establishing strong emotional relationships in his adult life, because no one taught him this.

Conflicts between parents and children hurt both sides. And it is important to understand what exactly needs to be done when your child is rude to his parents. He draws attention to himself. The family needs reform, right?

PS If you found this article useful, you can recommend it to your friends on social networks. Link below

Personal consultations

mail
Skype golovkinau
telephones +380952097692; +380677598976
Viber +380952097692

How do parents notice that their child has already grown up, that he is now a teenager? Some – based on the size of clothes and shoes, which they now have to buy more often than before. For some, it’s because they can’t check their homework or show them to school. But very often the onset of adolescence reveals itself out of nowhere with aggressive behavior and rudeness. It unsettles and ruins relationships. What to do?

Why is a teenager being rude?

Rudeness is perhaps the most common “symptom” of adolescence, which parents name. Why does it happen that a child, with whom it was possible to find a common language just yesterday, today reacts to everything with aggression, snaps and is rude?

As usual, let’s first look at the reasons. There are several of them.

It seems to the child that this is the easiest way to assert himself
, according to the principle of “who will out-shout whom.” If he does this and addresses the parent much more rudely, then he seems to be a winner. In addition, this is a rehearsal for communicating with peers, and parents act as “guinea pigs.”
This may be a way to get parents' attention
when there is not enough of it. Let's honestly admit to ourselves: since the child eats, dresses and goes to school on his own, we pay less and less attention to him. What if you shout at us? Attention is immediately guaranteed!
Or maybe a growing person is copying your behavior
. Moreover, both in communication with him and between two adults. He is also an adult, and if parents talk to each other like this, then perhaps this is some kind of norm for a teenager?
Another reason is hormonal surge
. Remember yourself in these moments. How do you talk? Are you communicating? Children are constantly in such an endless change of moods!
the parenting style
once chosen ; there are two extremes. They are more rude in families with an authoritarian parenting style and those with a permissive one. In fact, even at this age it is not too late for parents to change their behavior.
Traditional for any crisis, searching for the boundaries of what is permitted
and groping for the limits of one’s capabilities. This is a good option! Because such children, as a rule, “pretend” that they are rude and boorish, but do not really want to be like that.

Visual impairment

This is the most common abnormality and is not to be confused with cataracts. It is selective in nature, manifesting itself exclusively in the presence of a teenager - as a rule, during the most dangerous period (12–15 years). In the future, it may disappear without a trace on its own. Unlike cataracts, it does not require surgical intervention.

It can be total in nature - in this case, the parent stops seeing the teenager altogether .

By the way, quite often you hear from a RP who has overlooked this or that problem that he “didn’t notice anything.” His sincerity is beyond doubt.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of signs that the teenager is not all right: you can’t wake him up in the morning, he’s in the clouds during the day, he’s losing weight; Sometimes he walks around darker than a cloud, sometimes he snaps, sometimes he’s completely silent, as if he’s just filled his mouth with water, and sometimes he pounces on food, as if he hasn’t been fed in ages.

In case of partial visual impairment, the opposite effect is observed. RP sees everything, but in a completely distorted light. Teenagers themselves often talk about this: parents understand everything topsy-turvy .

Sometimes perception disorders are formed in RPs under the influence of radio or television. Having heard in one program or another about the existence of a problem, the RP begins to believe that it directly concerns everyone, including him - of course, it was “shown on TV”! In fact, as a rule, we are talking only about dysfunctional families. But you can’t explain this to an overly suggestible RP. Alarmed, he catches negative signals indicating the onset of a crisis of adolescence , interpreting each of them as a harbinger of an inevitable catastrophe. A teenager gets a bad grade, which means he will soon be kicked out of school; drank at a party with friends - that means you are a future alcoholic; he is in a bad mood - we urgently need to treat him for depression.

Another reason for parental blindness is disappointed hopes. For example, mom and dad dreamed that their daughter would become an artist, but she became interested in science; My son was destined for a career as a scientist - but he likes to work in the workshop. All parents make plans (and rightly so) for the future of their children, and it is not easy for them to come to terms with the idea that these plans will not come true. The simple idea that a child may have his own ideas about who he should be somehow does not occur to them.

There are RPs who have to experience the collapse of illusions twice:

the first time they failed to fulfill their own childhood dreams;
the second time when they were “let down” by their beloved child, who did not want to fulfill other people’s wishes.

It also happens that difficulties arise due to the inability to correctly assess the distance in communication with a teenager. Reducing it to a minimum means being intrusive; increasing it too much means showing indifference.

What can I recommend here? Perhaps the only thing is to make an appointment with an ophthalmologist. By the way, have you noticed that many RPs wear glasses after forty? This is far from accidental. What else, besides glasses, can help you look at the world soberly and calmly?

How to respond to a teenager's rudeness

How will we proceed? Of course, based on the reason. The main thing is to diagnose the reasons honestly and frankly, with yourself! Your options for actions and reactions may be as follows.

Don't get involved in a "louder" competition if your child raises his voice at you. You can answer him in a whisper or ignore this manner of communication. By doing so, you will not give him the feedback he wants.
Ideally, rudeness should be cut at the root. At the first outbursts, talk to your child and explain why his behavior is unacceptable and why it upsets you personally. Better yet, take a video and show him yourself from the outside. Few people will like this picture.
It's not too late to adjust your parenting line. The ideal style is democratic. When each party has both rights and responsibilities. When you teach a child to negotiate on the shore, to be able to set his own conditions and at the same time fulfill yours. With such mutual respect, it is much easier to accept and understand the feelings of another person.
Set only realistically achievable goals. Often it's our fault! “Correct your Russian before Friday,” but how can you do this if there are twenty twos?! Remember that your child is not a magician! And, as you know, making mistakes is much easier than correcting them.
Enter a special word, gesture or identify an object that is slowing down each of you. Initially, agree: when you hear the word “orange”, this means leave the room and catch your breath for at least 5 minutes, after which we can continue the conversation. Remember, a similar rule should apply to your rudeness towards a child... Or do you prefer to talk about yourself in an “educational tone”? Think about whether you live in a world of double standards? This is a very important moment for building harmonious relationships with children.

Spend more time with your child. I know how difficult it is, there is absolutely no time, but a teenager needs this now!
Watch your speech, its fullness and the presence of aggressive or potentially aggressive forms and phrases.

Aggressive behavior in adolescents: what to do?

There are many facts and even more fictions on the topic of increased emotionality. From the point of view of common sense, adults understand everything - hormonal imbalance and restructuring are to blame. Then why can’t fully grown mothers and fathers always cope with teenagers?

Try to put yourself in their place! Your body, which you knew everything about yesterday and was quite happy with, begins to change dramatically. Your arms are long, your clothes don’t fit well, acne appears on your face, your voice betrays you. You are surrounded by complete hysterics and psychos (after all, everyone around them is going through the same changes as themselves, that is, teenagers are constantly in a rather explosive environment). And, of course, parents don’t understand.

In short: yesterday the whole world loved you, but today it hates you. Would you like this? I doubt!

Psychologists conducted studies that revealed that emotional reactions that would be a symptom of illness for adults are the norm for adolescents. Can you imagine how hard it is for them? How can we help our beloved children?

It will be great if you can show your child that it is normal to experience different emotions
. Use yourself or your family as an example. Let him know that there are good and bad days, and his mood can vary. “But we love each other anyway. The main thing is, don’t be silent, come and we’ll talk.”
Anger control methods
will help . Beat a pillow, hit a punching bag, take a shower, take an anti-stress ball. Another great method is “writing on water with a pitchfork.” It is simple: move your finger through the water, describing all your sadness and grievances. And then you let the water down, it will pour out and take all your experiences with it.
At this age, the need for adrenaline
. Help your child find such an activity: fly together in a wind tunnel or go karting, snowboarding or skydiving - the child will be grateful to you.
Tell him about how you deal with stress
. Alcohol and cigarettes don't count! Perhaps your experience will be useful to the child.

Everyone knows that sometimes it can be difficult with children. But when adolescence comes, many parents realize that all previous problems were just flowers. And we are not talking about such offenses as smoking, alcohol, drugs, disgraceful behavior at school, etc. – these problems are obvious, visible and understandable. We will talk about something else: about the callous, disrespectful attitude of teenagers towards close people in the family.

These problems are usually little noticeable to others, but this does not make them any less significant. A 15-year-old girl in a store with her mother chooses summer outfits. He speaks in a completely boorish tone: “You don’t understand anything...”, “Leave me alone...”, “Are you completely sick in the head?”, “I won’t go anywhere with you again...”, “I’ve already told you a hundred times...”.

A mother with an upset face rushes after her daughter. She tries to somehow object, breaks into a scream, the daughter, with a pouty look, silently walks along the shopping aisles, not paying attention to her mother. They return home. The daughter immediately contacted her, and her sweet face blossomed with a smile: she had already forgotten to even think about her mother, who at this time was taking pills for headaches and blood pressure.

Boys, of course, are not so emotional and sometimes simply do not pay attention to their parents. The mother tries to talk to her son about school, ask him about grades, teachers, classmates - it is useless: he sits, staring at the monitor, and does not pay attention to her, getting off with short words: I don’t know, I didn’t see, leave me alone. He only breaks out of his imperturbably calm state when she tries to turn off the computer or snatch the tablet from his hands.

Most often, parents let these situations pass them by, but sometimes they become very offended. Dad tries to tell his son about his childhood memories, about how he studied at school, what he was interested in and suddenly realizes that his son is not listening to him, but is just waiting to return to his favorite activities, and that he is a dad, not at all he is not interested as a person.

The teenager goes for a walk, and his mother cannot reach him by phone. “The phone is dead, big deal!” When asked why he didn’t take his friend’s phone and call home, he doesn’t answer and remains silent with an irritated face, although his mother told him a hundred times that she gets very worried when he stays out late.

Returning from work, the mother discovers that she forgot to buy bread and asks her daughter to run to the store. In response: “Couldn’t you buy it yourself? I am busy". Mom, tired after work, begins to make trouble and reproach her daughter for being callous and not understanding how hard it is for her. In a normal relationship, if the mother cries and worries, the child is very uncomfortable. But in the described situation this does not happen. The mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but the daughter is fine, and on her face there is only annoyance at being torn away from her favorite entertainment.

There are many similar examples that can be given. This is such minor everyday rudeness. Usually people explain it to themselves this way: all teenagers are like this. He'll grow up and everything will be fine. Indeed, this often happens. What if the situation does not change?

It is interesting that such situations can occur in any family: both very rich and low-income ones. Both a mother-cleaner and a successful businesswoman can be rude.

Usually, such problems in the family are not talked about much, but when strangers witness this style of children’s relationship with their parents, it can be very unpleasant and embarrassing for the parents. In my opinion, such problems - selfishness and disrespect of children for their parents - do not arise overnight. It’s just that for the time being, parents don’t pay attention to them. But when a child becomes a teenager, parents begin to expect from him help, understanding, participation in family affairs, sympathy, love and, finally, just respect, and they are terribly disappointed and upset, seeing that these wonderful human emotions are, apparently, from their own the child will not be seen.

Why do teenagers behave this way? Of course, “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but one thing is obvious: in such families, parents are not an authority for a teenager. The reasons for the lack of authority among parents are different. There are quite understandable ones: low salary, low social status, bad appearance, lifestyle, lack of personal growth, failures in life, bad character, etc. and so on.

But sometimes it also happens that a good, hardworking, responsible and successful person in public life is not respected by his own child. And this disrespect is precisely expressed in the offensive, everyday little things that were described above.

Parents

Rating 44

In what cases should you check your child’s computer and things, and when too much control can be harmful?

Type
Ask
Send to a friend
Share
subscribe to news

Our children often think that we are spying on them. Many of the things we do for them they regard as an invasion of their privacy. But in reality, we are just trying to protect them from the dangers of the outside world and serious mistakes in life.

Parents often do not understand how much freedom and personal space a child needs and whether this space can be violated. In fact, all this directly depends on the responsibility and honesty of the teenager himself.

In adolescence, personal space and separation from parents are simply necessary for the harmonious development of the individual. Part of this process is setting boundaries. Figuratively speaking, these boundaries go where the child ends and you begin. When he is still small and feeds on his mother’s milk, these boundaries practically do not exist. But as he gets older and develops, they appear. The day comes when a child closes himself from the inside while taking a bath because he wants privacy and feels awkward when someone comes in. This separation is a natural part of human relationships. The older he gets, the more clearly these boundaries are visible.

Sometimes disagreements arise between him and his parents about boundaries, but the teenager needs to defend them. Therefore, parents must provide their child with personal space. He should have his own room where no one will disturb him. Even if he shares a room with a brother or sister, each of them should have a place to be alone.

Parents may enter a child's room to clean it or pick up dirty clothes - that is, to do something that the child could do himself. This does not mean "spying" on him. Spying means looking into his lockers, checking his computer, pockets and bags, etc. If a teenager is trustworthy, honest and responsible, parents should respect his personal boundaries. After all, we wouldn't want our kids rummaging through our things.

When not to supervise your child

If your child behaves responsibly, returns home on time, and reports his whereabouts, there is no reason to monitor him. You can tell him: “I will not interfere in your personal life because you behave well and I have no reason not to trust you.” So he understands that trust in him is the result of his good behavior.

Some parents watch their child for no apparent reason, and this does not contribute to his separation from them and the development of individuality. We want our child to grow up independent and able to make informed decisions. We also want him to have his own personal life. Don't forget that during puberty, a child is trying to develop his or her individuality. Personal life for a teenager means, first of all, personal space. Therefore, if you follow him, you are making it clear: “I don’t trust you, even if you do everything right.”

When to monitor your child

The above rules may change if you suspect your child of doing something that could cause him harm. If you encounter such a situation, you can monitor your child. You have this right because you are responsible for the safety of your children (even if they themselves protest against such guardianship).

And it’s not a matter of rights, but of duties and responsibilities. When you have real suspicions that he is using alcohol, drugs, or doing something that could harm him, looking into the child’s room is your duty and responsibility to him. If you find empty alcohol bottles or unknown pills there, you should be more attentive to him because you are responsible for protecting him from self-destruction. Remember: informed means armed. To protect your teenager, you must clearly understand what is happening.

Checking your computer

Some parents install spyware on their child's computer when they find out that he is doing something that could harm him. This is how parents monitor all incoming and outgoing messages on email and social networks. This is not the best way out of the situation, but it is completely justified. Remember that parents do not give their child the right to personal space so that he can do whatever he wants. You can't adhere to double standards. Instead of saying, “I'll be a good parent, so the child can do whatever he wants,” look at the situation from the perspective of, “He can't keep himself safe, so I'll take the necessary steps. If that means checking lockers or the computer, I'll do it." When your teen does something that could hurt them, you have no choice but to keep an eye on them.

How to explain to a child the need for control?

Many parents do not consider it necessary to tell their teenager that they are watching him, believing that this will force him to be even more secretive. But you must be clear. If a child wants to hide something forbidden outside the home, he will do it. It's his choice. But in your home, you make the rules, and you must voice them. Before checking his computer or things, communicate this intention. In such a situation, it is very important to remain honest. Tell him: “You have lost my trust, and now I will check your things and computer. I'm doing this because I love you and want you to be safe. I won’t let you do this in our house.”

When a teenager is involved in questionable activities

It’s terrible if at first you try to be a good parent to your child, and then he ends up in the adult world, and he starts having problems with alcohol, drugs, etc. At school, children are told about their rights, that parents have rights to do and what they don’t have.

But parents have the right to set rules in the family. Moreover, they are responsible for ensuring the safety of all family members. And if there is cause for concern, it is perfectly acceptable to check your child’s computer or mobile phone. Don't forget that when a teenager tries alcohol, drugs or does anything illegal, he becomes secretive.

Parents mistakenly think: “We can have secrets from our child, but the child has no right to hide anything from us.” It would be more correct to say: “The child has no right to hide from his parents facts that endanger the family or himself.” In this case, it is not necessary to search the teenager’s room, but it is quite acceptable. Moreover, in the case of serious misconduct, it is worth doing and serious consequences must be established so that he understands responsibility for his actions.

Avoid controversy over your actions.

Children caught by their parents in some illegal act usually try to avoid responsibility and attack their parents themselves: “I can’t believe you’re rummaging through my things!” They try to make the situation seem like it's not him, but you, doing something bad. With the help of such disputes, the child tries to avoid responsibility for his actions. Let's look at the main tactics he uses:

“I can’t believe you’re following me!” This is one of the most common scripts used by a teenager. Let's say you say: “I found some suspicious package in your desk.” The child responds: “I can’t believe you’re going through my things. I’m already 16 years old, how can you behave like this?” In this case, you should not get involved in an argument. Instead, say, “I warned you that I would be checking your things. The problem is not this, but the package that lies in your desk. And now we will only talk about this. If you want to argue or shout, you can do it somewhere else, and then we will return to our conversation. It’s not me who is violating your rights, it’s you who are violating the rules adopted in our family.” Don't let your child avoid the conversation by arguing or yelling. Say, "We'll talk when you're ready to talk calmly." If your child says he's ready, say, “No, we'll talk in 15 minutes. I'm not ready right now." Sit, take a walk or drink tea. After 15 minutes, return to the conversation and explain what consequences await for this offense.
“This is not mine, this is my friend!” Children often say that a friend asked to keep some forbidden thing. In this case, it is best to object: “I don’t want to hear anything about it! You know that you can’t keep such things in our house, and if you brought it into the house, then you should be responsible for it.” The child may answer that he just wanted to help a friend. Do not succumb to such manipulation: “You brought this into the house, which means you are responsible for it.”
"Why do not you trust me?" As we have already found out, teenagers, like no one else, know how to take a conversation in a different direction. And when you find an empty beer bottle in his room and want to talk about it, the child may respond: “Why are you searching my room? Why do not you trust me?" But the conversation initially was not about this, but about the beer bottle. Tell your child, “This is not about trust or violating someone's rights. You know the rules in our house. You must not drink alcohol either in the house or in any other place. We will return to this conversation in an hour." After this, leave the room.
“You broke your promise!” If you check your child's room for no particular reason and find something forbidden there, tell him: “I did something today that you won't like. I walked into your room without warning and looked at the table. I understand that you are angry and I apologize for that. But I found some pills in the room. And I want to know how they got there and what they are doing in our house. If a child feels caught off guard, he may escalate the situation by shouting, “You promised not to come into my room without my knowledge!” Tell him: “We will talk about this when you calm down. I'll come in half an hour." Then leave the room. After half an hour, tell your child again that you regret entering the child’s room without permission, and then return to the topic of conversation.

Is it normal to require your child to always keep the door to their room open?

Some parents require their child to always keep the door to their room open. But how will he have personal space in this case? And to demand this from a teenager, you must have sufficient grounds (for example, if he smokes in the room). But, before you demand to keep the door open, think: under what conditions can he earn the right to close himself in the room again. Such rules cannot be introduced forever or even for a certain period. Explain to your child the conditions under which he can return everything as it was.

But this does not mean that by fulfilling the specified conditions, the child will regain your trust and you will no longer check his room. This takes time, and you can discuss it further later, but not right away. Say, “Now is not the time to talk about this. For now, we are only talking about the consequences of your actions.”

Personal space is a privilege, not a child's original right.

You don't go into your child's room and check his things just because you trust him and he deserves it. This is not his original right. And the child should know that if he does not live up to his trust, you will check his things more carefully. This includes you looking into his lockers, desk drawers, checking his computer, etc. This is the price of his dishonesty and non-compliance with the rules.

We all need to learn the life lesson that losing someone's trust always has serious consequences. For example, if an adult loses the trust of his boss at work by drinking alcohol on the job or committing theft, he could be fired. No one's trust should be taken lightly. If you take extra measures to ensure your child's safety or to protect them from making bad decisions, this cannot be called surveillance. And this statement is especially true when you have several children.

Rate this publication

Article rating: 2.93

out of 5 based on
15
ratings.

What to do about it?

Of course, it was necessary to start when the child was still very small. From the moment he begins to understand what he is doing (and this happens at a very early age), you cannot allow disrespect towards yourself under any circumstances: you are no less valuable than your child. And you definitely deserve more respect than him.

For example, when visiting or in a cafe, a five-year-old child behaves disgracefully: he runs, screams, grabs everything from the table, drops it, constantly teases his mother, demands something. The mother is nervous, but, on the other hand, she explains to everyone that this is such an education system, that children need to express themselves, etc.

There are two ways of development of events: if you are comfortable in such a situation and are not ashamed in front of other people, then everything is in order and there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are uncomfortable, uncomfortable and restless, then such behavior is the child’s disrespect towards you. This needs to be stopped immediately and explained to the child that you will not tolerate this anymore. Children, like animals, quickly understand who can sit on the neck and who can’t, who needs to be obeyed and who can be ignored, who needs to be respected and who can be sent to hell.

Therefore, the advice here is essentially the same - never ignore any disrespect towards yourself on the part of a child, no matter what age he is. Measures of influence can be different: both verbal and concrete. Ignored your request for something - do the same in response. He answered rudely - do not answer his further questions and requests. He disgraced you in a public place - show him that it is unpleasant for you to live with a person like him. Finally, give him a scandal at home. Children do not have such a vulnerable psyche as psychologists like to write about it. Many mothers are subconsciously afraid to present their claims to their child, because then, perhaps, the child will love them less. Yes, unfortunately, the love of children for their parents is not obligatory; by default, it is a component in family relationships, just like the love of parents for their children.

But there is no need to be afraid of this. Requirements to respect you as an individual will not affect the child’s love for you. With teenagers the situation is more complicated. Firstly, many relationships have developed over many years and are quite difficult, if not impossible, to change.

Secondly, the reasons for disrespect can be much more serious. It is known that growing children begin to evaluate their parents differently. Evaluate them as adults, adults.

And parents’ lives, careers and other life circumstances can develop very differently. It happens that your appearance has let you down, and there is no health for new life achievements, just as there is no strength for self-improvement, to look for another, higher-paying job, etc. But teenagers, for the most part, are maximalists and therefore sometimes judge their parents very harshly.

But, even if you understand that the child considers you a failure in life, you cannot leave without retaliatory measures any manifestations of rudeness, inattention and disrespect for yourself on his part. There is no need to be afraid of his response: I don’t love you and I don’t want to live with you. It is not important. The main thing is that you love him. Perhaps it makes sense to clearly voice your position: I love you, but I will never tolerate rudeness on your part, no matter how you feel about it.

In other words, it is undesirable for such situations to often arise in the house: a teenager was rude to his mother, went to his room, but after a while the mother calls him with the usual “Will you eat?” and puts dinner on the table for him.

Indeed, many women find it difficult to deviate from their usual routine, and they have a very high sense of responsibility (the child must eat on time and properly), so they sometimes do not pay attention to the rudeness of teenagers that has become familiar to them in everyday life.

Of course, it is always the choice of the person himself how to react to the attitude of other people towards himself, but still, perhaps it makes sense to think about this when it comes to the attitude of our own children towards us. It’s just that sometimes, following the slogan “All the best for children,” parents forget about themselves, despite the popular wisdom that “how you treat yourself is how others will treat you.”

Rudeness is not the most important problem of parents and teenagers, because often on the way to growing up they have to deal with more serious issues - leaving home, early sex, use of psychoactive substances. Nevertheless, it is rudeness that drives parents to white heat and is the most frequently voiced problem by them, causing a storm of parental emotions ranging from helplessness and despair to fear and rage. Let's see what we can do about it.

First of all, remember that all teenagers go through a stage of rudeness, name-calling, swearing, and unpleasant tone towards their parents. This behavior of your child in no way characterizes you as a parent. Don’t give in to feelings of guilt - you are not bad, but the most ordinary parent of an ordinary teenager.

Often teenagers behave this way, knowing that it makes the parent angry

. There is the most banal manipulation based on the “stimulus-response” principle: a couple of words spoken by the child - and now the parent is screaming, stamping his feet, crying or lecturing in a trembling voice. Be aware of this manipulation! And don’t consciously get involved in this game, don’t get excited. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. The best thing to do in this case is to ignore what was said. There is no point in showing negative attention to your child; you should not get upset, slap, snap, or experience feelings of anxiety, guilt, fear, or anger. Don't reinforce the stimulus.

Don't take everything teenagers say so seriously

! Don't give in to provocations! This way you encourage their verbal activity. Regard everything they say as the chatter of small children (albeit not very well-mannered) rather than as serious statements that can make an adult helpless. Laughter is the best fight against little aggression.

Make sure you don't provoke these actions by doing them first.

. Ask yourself: “If I wanted my child to swear or call me names, what would I do?” Your answer to this question may reveal how you actually achieve this behavior in your teen. Did you start arguing first? Or perhaps they gave orders? Asked an untimely question? Did you enter the room without knocking? Were you unhappy with something? Were your statements disparaging, humiliating, judgmental, or blaming? All these are provoking stimuli. What stimulus sounds on your part that causes such a reaction? Having realized them, you will be able to control your child’s speech, eliminating these provoking stimuli from your speech, and reducing the number of cases of name-calling and rudeness that bother you.

It is important to stop rudeness firmly, concisely and correctly

. “I-messages” are appropriate. Confidently and calmly, you can give feedback to your child on his behavior: “I don’t like this tone,” “I’m upset hearing this,” “I don’t allow you to talk to yourself like that,” “I’m ready to listen to you, try to find other words,” “I’m ready to talk later,” “Let’s discuss everything in other terms.” Avoid pronouns “you”, “your”, “yours”, etc. Starting your speech with them, such phrases often sound like accusations and are, as mentioned above, provoking stimuli. Tell us better about yourself, not about someone else.

We have all heard about uncontrollable teenage emotions caused by rapid hormonal activity.

. This is true; teenagers find it difficult to control themselves. Often they are “carried” to an unknown destination, and then they themselves become upset and worried. Understanding this, always accept children's apologies. And apologize yourself, if you are wrong, teach them to apologize in this way. In the end, we are all imperfect. And such behavior does not characterize a person; actions are important, not words.

Finally, remember that no matter what, your child will grow up to learn to speak politely (even to you) and become a good person. The main thing is to maintain respectful and kind-hearted relationships now, no matter what!

This text was originally published on the website of the Psychological Center for Teenagers “Tochka”

. We publish it with their permission.

Why is a teenager being rude?

A teenager can be rude to parents and rebel, for example, expressing his categorical disagreement with certain actions of others. In this case, he rebels because he has no other means of expressing his disagreement, or they have been exhausted.

How should adults react to rudeness?

Firstly, learn to listen to a teenager, try to understand his needs, fears, and motivations. It is important to learn with him to trust each other and strive for mutual understanding.

Secondly, help him expand his behavior patterns. Try to show your teen that there are many constructive ways to respond besides anger.

At some stage of growing up, rebellion for a teenager may remain the main way of interacting with the adult world around him. The reasons for continuous rebellious behavior may be associated both with certain mental disorders and with the social situation in which the teenager finds himself. Mental disorders, fortunately, are quite rare, and they definitely require consultation with medical specialists.

Why are teenagers rude? The most common reason for adolescent rebellion is a conflict between the emerging personality and its environment. It is directly related to the radical restructuring of the human body during adolescence. Just one hormonal storm raging inside the body of yesterday's child can lead to uncontrollable emotional outbursts. But not only the body, but also the child’s psyche is rebuilt.

In childhood, parents, educators and teachers are the absolute authorities for the child. It is their opinions and assessments that he focuses on when forming his own. In adolescence, everything changes.

The teenager has already acquired some experience and is trying to make assessments of events based on his judgments and make decisions independently.

In addition, a teenager develops reference groups outside the family. Adults' opinions become less important. He already strives to imitate and is already guided by the judgment of his friends.

If parents do not take into account these physiological and psychological changes with the child, then they continue to communicate with him as if he were a child, thus undermining his self-esteem and recognition of independence. The psyche of a teenager tries to protect his self-esteem by devaluing the adults who traumatize him. As a result, we have ideal conditions for conflict. Sometimes this is why a teenager can be rude to his parents.

A conflict with a teenager can, if not be prevented, then be significantly weakened if you understand what the teenager requires. The need of every teenager for recognition of his independence and greater freedom. So give it to him!

How should parents react to a teenager’s rudeness, rudeness and disobedience?

As in any conflict, exchanging “courtesy” based on emotions is one of the worst options for resolving the current situation. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is unacceptable to talk to parents in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for some time to calm down.

When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what experiences the parents had, how the teenager felt, and how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose.

How should a teacher behave with a teenager who is rude?

Rudeness should be dealt with calmly but decisively. Make comments and, if necessary, expel them from the class. In difficult cases, involve parents and a school psychologist.

In general, it would be nice for teachers to remember that students respect and appreciate the teacher with whom they are interested. And they know how to respect and appreciate with terrible force. It would be a sin for teachers not to use this. And with mutual benefit.

How to reach a teenager if he does not want to listen, withdraws and withdraws into himself?

If a child has no experience of confidential conversations with parents, for example, for many years he entertained himself while adults went about their own affairs, and when he turned 13, his parents suddenly “ripe” for soul-saving conversations, then how should he react to such initiatives? teenager?

In this situation, the teenager simply has no idea what to talk about with his parents; he does not know how to share his feelings and emotions. He was not taught to communicate correctly with his parents.

When communicating with a teenager, forget forever about lectures, a mentoring tone, and a condescending attitude towards the child. Be open, frank and patient, communicate with him as equals. And do not invite him to a confidential conversation as an investigator of a suspect.

Do something fun with your teenager! Be interesting, but not instructive or intrusive. And then you will see how the child opens up.

What to do if a teenager is openly hostile to parents?

Hostility between close people indicates the pathology of family relationships. By and large, there are two options here.

The first option is that the teenager responds with hostility and rudeness to the cruel, humiliating attitude of one of the parents towards himself or another family member.

The second option is that parental care is so strong that it entangles the child hand and foot, literally not allowing him to breathe, and all his attempts to gain at least some kind of autonomy and independence are resolutely suppressed. Why is the teenager rude to his parents in this case? They don’t want to hear the child, they don’t consider him, they don’t take him seriously.

Life with a teenager in the family is always war. Often until the complete moral destruction of the enemy. But reasonable parents do not fight against their child, but next to him, shoulder to shoulder. And then the enemy is not the teenager, but his and his parents’ fears, doubts, anxieties. Take his side, hear his wishes, loosen your grip, give him freedom.

teenage daughter became uncontrollable

At the reception: (6-year-old boy, severe neurotic disorder) - Who do you live with? - With mom. - And dad? - And we kicked him out. - Like this? - We divorced him... he humiliates us... he is not a man... ruined our best years... *** At the reception: (teenager 14 years old, severe migraines, fainting, illegal behavior) - Why didn’t you draw dad, you’re alone family? - It would be better if he didn’t exist at all, such a dad... - What do you mean? - He ruined his mother’s whole life, behaved like a pig... now he doesn’t work... - How does your dad treat you personally? - Well, he doesn’t scold you for failing grades... - That’s all? - And that’s it... what does he get from him?... I even earn money for my own entertainment... - How do you earn money? - I weave baskets... - Who taught you? “Father... he taught me a lot, I can still fish... I can drive a car... I can do a little woodworking... By spring the boat has been tarred, so my father and I will go fishing.” - How can you sit in the same boat with a person who would rather not exist in the world? - ... well, in general, we have something like this... the relationship is interesting... when my mother leaves, we are fine... It’s she who doesn’t get along with him, but I can do it with my mother and father when we’re not together... *** On reception: (6-year-old girl, problems with communication, not attentive, nightmares, stuttering, bites her nails...) - Why did you draw only mom and brother, but where are dad and you? - Well, we are in a different place so that mom is in a good mood... - What if you are all together? - That’s bad... - How bad is that? -... ... (the girl cries) After a while: - Just don’t tell mom that I love dad too, very much... *** At the reception: (teenager with severe neurotic disorder) - ...Does your son really believe in the death of his father? - Yes! We specifically told him this... otherwise God forbid he wants to meet him, then you won’t get any inheritance... but my grandmother and I only say good things about my father, so that he doesn’t worry and strives to become a good person. *** At the reception: (8-year-old boy, severe depression and a number of other illnesses) - ... What about dad? - I don’t know... I turn to my mother: - You’re not talking about your father’s death? - He knows, we talked about it... (mom cries), but he doesn’t ask, and doesn’t want to look at the photographs. When mom leaves the office, I ask the boy: - Are you interested in finding out about dad? The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time. - Yes, but you can’t... - Why? - Mom will cry again, don’t. *** During my time working with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts: Children love their parents equally strongly, regardless of the behavior they demonstrate. The child perceives mom and dad as a whole and as the most important part of himself. The attitude of a child to his father and a father to his child is always shaped by the mother. (The woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child; it is she who conveys to the child: who his father is, what he is like and how he should be treated). The mother has absolute power over the child, she does whatever she wants with him, consciously or unconsciously. Such strength is given to a woman by nature so that her offspring can survive without unnecessary doubts. At first, the mother herself is the child’s world, and later she brings the child into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, and focuses on what is important to his mother. Consciously and unconsciously, the mother actively shapes the child’s perception. The mother also introduces the child to the father, she conveys the degree of importance of the father. If the mother does not trust her husband, the child will avoid the father. At the reception: - My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away from her father screaming, and when he takes her in his arms, she cries and breaks out. And lately I started telling my father: “Go away, I don’t love you. You are bad". - How do you really feel about your husband? “I’m very offended by him... to the point of tears.” The father's attitude towards the child is also shaped by the mother. For example, if a woman does not respect the father of the child, then the man may refuse attention to the child. Quite often the same situation is repeated: as soon as a woman changes her internal attitude towards the child’s father, he unexpectedly expresses a desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in cases where the father had previously ignored the child for many years. If attention and memory are impaired, self-esteem is inadequate, and behavior leaves much to be desired, then the child’s soul is sorely lacking a father. Rejection of the father in the family often leads to the appearance of intellectual and mental retardation in the child's development. If the communication sphere is impaired, there is high anxiety, fears, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and feels like a stranger everywhere, then he cannot find his mother in his heart. It is easier for children to cope with the problems of growing up if they feel that mom and dad accept them completely, as they are. A child grows up healthy emotionally and physically when he is out of the zone of problems of his parents - each individually and/or them as a couple. That is, he takes his childhood place in the family system. The child always “holds the flag” for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means. For example, he can repeat difficult characteristics of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, the more the mother does not accept these characteristics, the more clearly they manifest themselves in the child. But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to be like his father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with his father through difficult things or to love him directly - with his heart. The child is equally devoted to mom and dad; he is bound by love. But when the relationship in a couple becomes difficult, the child, by the power of his devotion and love, is deeply involved in the difficult thing that causes pain to the parents. He takes on so much that he really does a lot to alleviate the mental suffering of one or both parents at once. For example, a child can become psychologically equal to his parents: a friend, a partner. And even a psychotherapist. Or it can rise even higher, psychologically replacing their parents for them. Such a burden is unbearable for either the physical or mental health of the child. After all, in the end, he is left without his support - without his parents. When a mother does not love, does not trust, does not respect, or is simply offended by the child’s father, then looking at the child and seeing many manifestations of the father in him, consciously or unconsciously lets the baby know that his “male part” is bad. She seems to be saying: “I don’t like this. You are not my child if you look like your father.” And out of love for the mother, or rather because of the deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses his father, and therefore the masculine in himself. The child pays too high a price for such a refusal. In his soul, he will never forgive himself for this betrayal. And he will definitely punish himself for this with a broken destiny, poor health, and failure in life. After all, living with this guilt is unbearable, even if it is not always realized. But this is the price of his survival. To get a rough feel of what is going on in a child’s soul, try to close your eyes and imagine the two people closest to you, for whom you can, without hesitation, give your life. And now all three of you, holding hands tightly, found yourself in the mountains. But the mountain you were standing on suddenly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and your two dearest people hung over the abyss, holding your hands. Your strength is running out and you understand that you can’t pull out two. Only one person can be saved. Who will you choose? At this moment, mothers, as a rule, say: “No, it’s better to all die together. It's horrible!" Indeed, it would be easier, but living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. Mostly towards the mother. “Imagine that you finally let one person go and pulled out another. -How will you feel towards someone you couldn’t save? -Huge, sizzling guilt. - And to the one for whom you did it? - Hatred". But nature is wise - the topic of anger at one’s mother in childhood is strictly tabulated. This is justified, because mother not only gives life, she also supports it. After dad's abandonment, mom remains the only person who can support her in life. Therefore, when expressing your anger, you can cut down the branch on which you are sitting. And then this anger turns on oneself (auto-aggression). “It was I who did a bad job, I betrayed dad, I didn’t do enough to...and I’m the only one. It’s not mom’s fault - she’s a weak woman.” And then problems with behavior, mental and physical health begin. There is much more to masculinity than resemblance to one's own father. The principle of masculinity is the law. Spirituality. Honor and dignity. Sense of proportion (internal sense of appropriateness and timeliness). Social self-realization (work you enjoy, good material income, career) is possible only if a person has a positive image of a father in his soul. No matter how wonderful the mother is, only the father can initiate the adult part within the child. (Even if the father himself failed to build a relationship with his own father. This is not so important for the initiation process). Have you probably met adults who are infantile and helpless like children? They start a bunch of things at the same time, have many projects, but never finish any of them. Or those who are afraid to start a business, to be active in social self-realization. Or those who can't say no. Or they don’t keep their word, it’s difficult to rely on them for anything. Or those who constantly lie. Or those who are afraid to have their own point of view agree with many things against their own will, “bending” to the circumstances. Or, on the contrary, those who behave defiantly, fight with the world around them, opposing themselves to other people, doing a lot of things in defiance, or even behaving illegally. Or those for whom life in society is given with great difficulty, at exorbitant prices, etc. - all these are those people who did not have access to their father. Only next to his father does a small child learn boundaries for the first time. Your own boundaries and the boundaries of other people. The boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted. Your capabilities and abilities. Next to his father, the child feels how the law operates. His strength. (Relationships with mom are built according to a different principle: without boundaries - complete merging). As an example, we can recall the behavior of Europeans (in Europe the principles of the masculine are clearly expressed) and Russians (in Russia the principles of the feminine are clearly expressed) when they find themselves together on the same territory. Europeans, no matter how small the territory they find themselves in space, are intuitively located in such a way that no one bothers anyone, no one violates anyone’s borders, and even if it is a space crowded with people, there is still room for everyone to pursue their own interests. If Russians appear, then they fill everything. There is no place for anyone anymore. By their behavior they destroy other people's space, because they do not have their own boundaries. Chaos begins. And this is exactly what the feminine is without the masculine. It is in the male stream that dignity, honor, will, determination, responsibility are formed - at all times highly valued human qualities. In other words, children whom their mother did not allow into their father’s stream (consciously or unconsciously) will not be able to easily and naturally awaken within themselves a balanced, adult, responsible, logical, purposeful person - now they will have to make enormous efforts. Because psychologically they remained boys and girls, without ever becoming men and women. Now for the mother’s decision: to protect the child from the father, a person will pay an incredibly high price throughout his life. It was as if he had lost the blessing of life. “If a wife respects her husband, and a husband respects his wife, the children also feel respected. Whoever rejects a husband (or wife) rejects him (or her) in children. Children perceive this as a personal rejection.” Bert Hellinger A father plays different but significant roles for his son and daughter. For a boy, a father is his self-identification by gender (that is, the feeling of being a man not only physically, but also psychologically). The father is the homeland for the son, his “pack”. A boy is born from the very beginning to a person of the opposite sex. Everything that a boy comes into contact with in his mother is different in essence, different from himself. The woman experiences the same feeling. Therefore, it is wonderful when a mother can bestow her love on her son, filling him with a feminine flow, initiating feminine principles, and lovingly sending him to his homeland - to his father. (By the way, only in this case can a son respect his mother and be sincerely grateful to her). From the moment of birth until approximately three years of age, the boy is under the influence of his mother. That is, he is imbued with the feminine: sensitivity and tenderness. The ability to form close, trusting and long-term emotional relationships. It is with the mother that the child learns empathy (feeling into the mental state of another person). Communicating with her awakens interest in other people. The development of the emotional sphere, as well as intuition and creative abilities, is actively initiated - they are also in the feminine zone. If the mother was open in her love for the baby, then later, as an adult, such a man will be a caring husband, an affectionate lover and a loving father. Normally, after about three years, the mother lets her son go to his father. It is important to emphasize that she is letting him go forever. Letting go means allowing the boy to be imbued with masculinity and to be a man. And for this process it is not so important whether the father is alive or dead, maybe he has another family, or he is far away, or he has a difficult fate. It also happens that the biological father is not and cannot be with the child. Then what matters here is what the mother feels in her soul towards the child’s father. If a woman cannot agree either with his fate or with him as the right father for her child, then the baby receives a lifelong ban on masculinity. And even the right environment in which he rotates will not be able to compensate him for this loss. He may be involved in men's sports, the mother's second husband may be a wonderful person and a courageous man, perhaps there is even a grandfather or uncle who is ready to communicate with the child, but all this will remain on the surface, as a form of behavior. In his soul, a child will never dare to violate his mother’s prohibition. But if a woman still manages to accept the child’s father into her heart, then the child will unconsciously feel that masculinity is good. Mom herself gave her blessing. Now, when meeting men in his life: grandfather, friends, teachers, or mother’s new husband, the child will be able to be saturated with the masculine flow through them. Which he will take from his father. The only thing that matters is what image the mother has in her soul about the child’s father. A mother can allow a child into the father’s stream only if in her heart she respects the child’s father, or at least treats him well. If this does not happen, then it is useless to tell your husband: “Go play with the child. Go for a walk together,” etc., the father will not hear these words, just like the child. Only what is accepted by the soul has an impact. Does the mother bless the father and child for mutual love for each other? Does a mother's heart fill with warmth when she sees how much a child looks like his father? If the father is recognized, then the baby will now begin to actively fill with masculinity. Now development will follow the male type, with all male characteristics, habits, preferences, and nuances. That is, now the boy will begin to differ greatly from his mother’s feminine side and will begin to look more and more like his father’s masculine one. This is how men with pronounced masculinity grow up. With daughters, this process is somewhat different. The girl, too, stays with her mother until she is about three years old, drinking in the feminine. Around three to four years of age, she comes under the influence of her father and remains under his influence until about six to seven years of age. At this time, the masculine is actively initiated: will, determination, logic, imaginative thinking, memory, attention, hard work, responsibility, etc. And most importantly, it is during this period that the understanding is laid that a girl is different from her father in gender. That she looks like her mother and that soon she will become as beautiful a woman as her mother. It is during this period that daughters adore their fathers. They actively show signs of attention and sympathy towards dad. It’s good if mom supports this, and dad can show his daughter that she is beautiful and that he loves her. In the future, it is this experience of communicating with the most important man in life that will allow her to feel like an attractive woman. Daughters who were not allowed to see their father at one time psychologically remain girls, despite the fact that they have long become adults. But after some time, it is very important for dad to let his daughter go back to mom - to the women's room, and for mom to accept her. This happens when a girl begins to feel that dad loves mom a little more than her, and that as a woman, mom likes and suits dad better. This is a bitter parting with the best man, but incredibly healing. Now the girl has been initiated into the principles of masculinity, which means she can achieve a lot in life. But most importantly, she has the happy experience of being accepted and loved by a man. Having returned to her mother, she will now be filled with feminine things throughout her life. This power will give her the opportunity to find a good partner and start a family, give birth to and raise healthy children. Usually, after such a discovery, mothers feel confused and full of contradictions. They all ask about the same questions: “What to do if I not only do not like my child’s father, I just hate him?! There is nothing to respect him for - a dropped man! Will I lie to the child, that his father is a good person? Yes, I only say to the child: “Look at your father .... I beg you, just do not be like him! " Or: “When I see that my daughter frowns my eyebrows, like her father, I want to kill both of them!” If you look at this, then anger and despair will appear. But now we are talking about a child, and not about a woman’s pair relations. And for the child, both parents are equally significant and equally beloved. A woman very often mixes her paired relationship with parental. For a child, this is unbearable. The woman seems to say to her baby: "He is a bad partner for me, then he is a bad father for you." These are different things. The child should not be included in particular the relationship of the couple. Figuratively speaking, the door to the parent bedroom should remain closed forever for him. But as parents, these two people remain at his complete disposal. That is, a man as a partner and as a child’s father are two different people. The child does not know anything about his father as a partner. And the woman does not know him as a father. Therefore, for a woman, he is only a partner, and for the child only a father. A mother who cannot accept her child’s father cannot completely accept the child. Therefore, she cannot love his unconditional love. And in this case, the child loses access to both parents. Now relations with mom are internally, sincerely will be difficult. The child will either adapt and please the mother, while often ill (so the aggression on the mother is “burned”), or the child will actively protest. But neither in the first nor in the second case of open love between the mother and the child will not. By the way, people who do not love themselves, consider themselves ugly, do not accept their individuality, as well as those who are prone to excessive self -consumption and condemnation of all and everyone, these are those former children whose mother condemned and rejected their father in them. Now relations with oneself and life are built according to the principle learned in childhood. But if a woman is still enough courage and love for the child, so as not to dump the severity of paired relations into her child, to separate in her soul paired relations from parental, then the child will have a huge mental and physical relief. (Many children stop getting sick after their mental work done by their mother). Then, despite the fact that the parents dispersed, or do not get along, the child will have enough strength in the future to live and continue life. Our ancestors knew such a pattern that if a woman knows how to respect her husband, her and his parents, then the children in such families do not get sick, and their fates are successfully developing. The practice of working with children, adolescents and adults showed that the most severe human pain with long -term consequences is pain from the loss of parents in their soul. By the way, it is this loss that is often the cause of depression. Therefore, to facilitate the life of the child and his complete recovery, not so much the very physical presence of parents in the everyday life of the child as a good and respectful attitude towards them in his own soul. As if parents never left the child, but are behind him. They stand like angels - keepers. And so from the first to the last day of life. It is no coincidence that out of the ten commandments, only the fifth is accompanied by explanation and motivation: “Hall your father and your mother so that you live on earth for a long time and happily.” It is this knowledge that allows humanity to survive, remaining spiritually and physically healthy. After all, only when the heart is filled with reverence and gratitude to his parents, at least for the invaluable gift of life, you can safely go forward. I would like to talk about one case, brightly illustrating the above. The mother and grandmother of one seven -year -old boy turned to me. The child had a very serious condition: in addition to incredible uncontrollable aggression, tantrums, constant anxiety, problems at school, nightmares, fears, there were still severe headaches and a painful feeling of goosebumps throughout the body. Mom and dad for this boy divorced a very long time. The child remembered his father more from the photographs. He lived all his conscious life with his mother and a woman. The child was a complete copy of his father. Both outwardly and in character, similarities were increasingly revealed. The only thing the boy heard about his father was that his parent is an incredible monster (his mother and grandmother did not skimp on epithets), and he is also very similar to this monster to this monster. And now the child was given the task of overcoming “evil” quality and becoming a good person. And at the reception in front of me there was a completely wonderful child, besides with great creative abilities, but he talked about life as if he were seventy years old, no less. We got to work all together: mom, grandmother, boy and me. The first thing the women did was decisively changed the policy of the family. Mom began to tell her son about what good qualities his father possesses. About the good that was in their relationship. The fact that she likes that her son looks like his father. That he can be absolutely the same as dad. Most importantly, the son is not responsible for their partnerships. And regardless of the fact that they are divorced as a couple - as parents they will remain for him forever together. And the son can love dad no less than mom. Some time later, the boy wrote a letter to dad. My son had a photograph on the desk, and the other, small, he began to carry with him to school. Then additional holidays appeared in the family: the birthday of the pope; the day dad made his mother an offer; When dad won the match. And most importantly, now that my mother looked at her son, she proudly said: “How do you look like her father!” When our next meeting took place, my mother shared that I did not have to lie at all - the ex -husband is a truly multifaceted person. But just fantastic changes began to occur with his son: first, aggression disappeared, then - fears, pains; Successes appeared at school, the ill -fated goosebumps disappeared, the child became controlled. And again he returned to life. "I can't believe it, is my father really playing such a role?!" Yes, each of us is the continuation and result of the merger of the two streams of life: the maternal (and its kind) and paternal (and his kind). Agreeing with this in the child, accepting his fate as it was given to him - we give him a chance to grow. This is the parental blessing for life. Lukovnikova M.V., Children, Medical Psychologist