12 Tips for Resolving Conflicts in Relationships
Don't bring up the past
There is no need to remember past grievances, quarrels and conflicts. Let what happened in the past remain there. After all, if you managed to come to a general compromise with a person, then you should not raise the problem again. In fact, too many couples argue about past incidents. Instead, focus on the problems you are currently facing.
Don't bring other issues into the conflict
This may seem like simple advice, but too many people, during an argument or conflict, start talking about everything that has ever upset them. For example, it may all start with a minor problem related to not washing the dishes, then you remember that your partner never makes the bed, throws things around, and does not clean up after himself. That is, each side begins to “throw even more wood on the fire,” and soon the conflict becomes really serious.
Conflicts in relationships
Conflicts in Relationships
I often express the idea that conflicts in relationships are necessary. But what about the fact that conflicts are considered a sign of deteriorating relations?
The difference between beneficial and harmful conflicts is how they end. Productive conflicts look like expressing incompatible desires. Then there is a process of negotiations, as a result of which everyone gets, at least partially, what they want, and at the same time no one feels disadvantaged. Such conflicts are necessary for relationships.
Unproductive conflicts look like skirmishes with mutual accusations, and their participants are almost never able to clearly formulate what they want. As a result of such a quarrel, a residue remains, which accumulates and accumulates until there is absolutely nothing left of love.
People who have been taught since childhood that conflicts are bad experience a strong feeling of guilt even after minor quarrels, and therefore prefer to suppress their desires and discontent in order not to quarrel. Typically, this behavior is typical of those whose parents themselves were not very good at defending their interests, and therefore it was more convenient for them for the child, under the influence of feelings of guilt, to simply refuse what he wants. In a family, such behavior leads to an increase in internal discontent, resentment, disunity and, ultimately, to divorce.
If this is your case, I would advise reading books about asserting personal boundaries or seeing a psychologist. The ability to directly and clearly express your desires or say “no” when you don’t want something greatly improves relationships and makes solving problems much easier.
There are other people who quarrel very often and loudly, but these quarrels do not lead to anything meaningful. The point here is that both those arguing want to insist on their own at all costs, but are not used to taking the other’s opinion into account. In such families, a quarrel is more of a release of anger than a way to solve something.
Here I would advise you to develop the ability to listen to your partner. For example, in some controversial case, ask your partner what he thinks needs to be done. Do not express your opinion at this stage yet. Then think for a while and analyze his wishes. There is no need to immediately dismiss them or call them stupid and unnecessary. Your spouse is your choice, respect his opinion. Think about what could still be done so that his desire can be fulfilled and at the same time you yourself will also be satisfied.
In such cases, it is useful to learn to divide information into three portions:
- what I offer or want;
— what the partner offers or wants;
- what are the ways to combine this?
The first two points, oddly enough, can be quite difficult to formulate. To check how correctly you perceive the situation, do the following exercise: repeat his wishes to your partner in your own words. If he says “yes, that’s right,” then you understood everything correctly. If he says “no, it’s not like that,” then you misunderstood him.
If you think that you are trying to make conflicts productive, but your partner is not, then there is no need to lecture him on this topic. From any stream (if it is not completely offensive, then you should just ask him to stop) try to understand what exactly he wants and ask questions on this topic. If your common problem really is a lack of mutual understanding, your interlocutor will cool down from such questions and will be grateful to you for trying to understand him. Then he will try harder to understand you.
There is, however, one pitfall here. Sometimes people try to understand the rational essence of complaints and completely lose sight of the fact that their partner wants to convey his feelings to them. It is very important to learn to hear what the other person is telling you about his emotions. It happens that people ignore these messages because they don’t want to hear it at all. You can tell when this is the case by the fact that the interlocutor becomes more angry with you when you try to clarify the rational grain of his speech.
In order for him to make sure that you understand him, you need to repeat to him in your own words what you heard about his feelings. Then he will cool down and be ready for a rational conversation. It is also useful to express your feelings rather than hide them, because thinking that you can be rational when you are angry is a big misconception.
If you feel that the release of emotions is very important to you or him, you should work on this separately. The point here may be that quarrels turn out to be the only available way to release negative emotions, which means that the rest of the time you suppress them. It is better to work on such problems with a psychologist; it is very difficult to get rid of it on your own.
When I say that conflict is necessary for a healthy relationship, I mean that when two people live together, their interests are bound to come into conflict from time to time. One wants one thing, and the other wants the exact opposite. The task of building family relationships is to adapt to each other so that both feel good. This is easier to do when contradictions are expressed explicitly and immediately.
If you hide negative emotions, the other person will never know what to do to make you happy. Expecting your desires and grievances to be guessed makes relationships confusing and difficult. If you hold back your dissatisfaction for a long time, it will eventually burst out in such a sharp form that it will only cause resistance and anger in your partner, and not a desire to understand.
Conflicts of interest occur especially often in the first year of marriage, but then they arise from time to time, and this is normal. And there are also family crises, when there are temporarily more conflicts than usual. If you treat such collisions as a natural phenomenon and are not afraid of them, crises in family life will be easier to overcome.
Help from a family psychologist
Reason 1. Unpleasant situation
The most common cause of major quarrels in relationships, from the point of view of psychologists, is unpleasant actions on the part of your partner.
In this case, we are talking about really serious conflicts. Not just “Why didn’t you take out the trash?” or “You didn’t put away the dishes!”, or, for example, if your boyfriend spent the night outside the house and returned only in the morning, all rumpled, and also with the smell of women’s perfume.
This situation is extremely unpleasant and it is very bad to do so. Therefore this should not happen. You need to explain this to your partner.
In any case, it is not advisable to sort things out and do anything immediately after a conflict. First, you and your partner need to calm down. In rare cases, one of the partners may need psychological help in order to “let go” of the situation and put everything in its place.
In a frank conversation, you can take a risk and set the condition “either we break up, because such actions are unacceptable to me, or we stay together, but such situations will not happen again.” Without risk, you will not change anything in the relationship, you will endure.
The purpose of the conversation is to preserve the relationship, and to strengthen the result, several punishments are needed.
Reason 3. Fictitious reasons for grievances
Each person can perceive the same thing in his own way, so it happens that one of the partners may be offended by the words or actions of the second, while the same words seem absolutely harmless to the second partner.
For example, in a previous relationship, the girl was cheated on, saying that they work a lot. And now, when her new boyfriend returns home late, making excuses that he was late at work, the girl naturally does not believe him, because after her previous relationship this is unacceptable for her.
In the case of the action described in the first reason, there really are grounds for offense. But there is no reason here and there should not be any. The partner who is offended must learn two important points:
- grievances do not directly relate to him, but to past relationships;
- Regardless of this, it is really unpleasant and offensive for a loved one.
There is no need to justify yourself or start an attack, because in this way you confirm that the offended partner is right.
When everyone comes to a calm state, you can try to understand the causes of the conflict, and the best option is to do this in the presence of a psychologist.
Causes of conflicts between men and women
10 main conflicts between a man and a woman
Not everything is always good in the relationship between a man and a woman.
In any relationship, conflicts can sometimes occur, because the mood, thoughts and desires of the partners may not coincide. The causes of conflicts between a man and a woman can be varied, but basically they can be reduced to 10 main points. If we look at the issue objectively, it becomes clear that the partners fight according to the same scenario. In this article, let's look at the most common reasons why partners quarrel. Any person has encountered these situations at least once.
In modern society, many people face money problems. Previously, this issue was not so pressing, so it was less likely to cause quarrels. Today, a man may well reproach a woman for being his support. By the way, a woman also has this right. A person who earns money often believes that his “half” spends too much, often buys unnecessary things or simply wastes money. At the same time, the second partner is confident that he spends money rationally, and believes that the second one could earn more. This is where conflicts and misunderstandings arise.
If one partner does not want to accept the position of the other and treat it with respect, then this necessarily becomes a cause of conflict. One partner tries to win the other over to his side, bringing the relationship to a break if this does not work out. It turns out that both partners understand each other’s positions, but are not ready to accept them or come to a compromise. Surprisingly, a couple can quarrel even because of opposing political views.
Many situations that provoke conflicts are related to everyday issues. Such conflicts can arise in every family, and neither material well-being, nor social status, nor other aspects matter. There are many options for the development of conflicts, starting with socks scattered throughout the house and untwisted tubes of toothpaste.
If a person decides to share any problem with his partner, he naturally expects support and understanding from his partner. When you talk about a problem with your boss, you expect that your significant other will definitely support you and take your side. But when a partner shows open indifference or begins to criticize, of course, the person becomes upset. Gradually, this situation leads to conflict and a showdown.
Often there is a choice between partners, for example, where is the best place to spend a vacation, where to start renovating an apartment, etc. If two partners cannot come to a unanimous or compromise decision, then quarrels and lengthy showdowns arise. As a result, the problems are never resolved, and the struggle between partners only intensifies.
Every person understands perfectly well that parents are not chosen. People often think about this when they have to listen to their moral teachings. If this happens not to your own parents, but to your partner’s parents, then it can be difficult to convince yourself not to break down. True, more often than not nothing is said to the parents of the “other half,” but a quarrel with a partner acquires a strong foundation, because you need to take it out on someone.
If two partners cannot find harmony in sexual relations, then discord in the family is guaranteed. Most often, sexual attraction in men arises situationally, often it does not coincide with the woman’s readiness. This situation does not suit both partners. It also happens, on the contrary: a woman has a desire, but a man does not even smell it. In such cases, the woman begins to suspect the man of cheating.
As the famous saying goes, good intentions can end very badly. Therefore, to avoid conflict, you should be careful and coordinate your actions in advance, otherwise the person’s reaction may be very unexpected. Let's give a specific example: you decided to clean your partner's aquarium while he was not at home, only to hear only reproaches in response. It turns out that the partner specifically bought a new grotto and plants for his fish, so he wanted to do this process himself.
After a quarrel: 3 ways to stop conflict in a relationship (video)
First, let's look at a few typical mistakes; these are classic WRONG ways to resolve a conflict. If you have a conflict in the family, a conflict with children or parents, a conflict at work - you could make these typical psychological mistakes everywhere:
1) Look for the culprit(s). Everyone is to blame, but not you. You are like an angel! If you often have conflicts, then you probably fuel them yourself, provoke your opponents into conflict, you just don’t notice how. Instead of looking for an answer to the question “What should I do to remove the conflict?” you are looking for an answer to the question: “Who is to blame?” The transition from an infantile personality to an adult personality begins only when you begin to take on and share responsibility.
2) You put your interests above all others and do not want to take into account the interests of other people. Conflicts of interest are inevitable.
3) Silence, non-voicing - desires, thoughts, wants. People, even those closest and loved ones, are not telepaths! If you are not satisfied with something or if you don’t like something, or you would like to see a different attitude towards yourself, then everyone around, of course, should read your thoughts or guess for themselves by your facial expression what you want! Continue to hide your thoughts and desires from people, let your misunderstanding with them grow and will definitely come to a conflict with someone!
4) Include the transfer rule, that is, transfer exclusively your own negative feelings, thoughts, fears and phobias to another person and attribute _yours_ to him. In this case, you begin to conflict not even with him, but with a cross-section of your negative traits in a mirror image only in another person.
If you recognize yourself in something, then be sure to read this article and learn from it 12 correct ways to resolve conflict. We live in a society of widespread psychological illiteracy and it really depends ONLY ON YOU PERSONALLY whether your life will be filled with conflicts or will be free from them. It doesn't depend on others. Personally and only personally from you.
