How do you know when it's time to get a divorce? Psychologist tells
Family psychology is a complex thing. Sometimes couples feel changes and discomfort, but cannot understand the reasons. Especially for 5-tv.ru, psychologist Alexander Shakhov told how to save a relationship or understand that it’s time to file for divorce.
You don't talk to each other
Silence between partners and the inability to discuss problems in a relationship are one of the main signs of a future divorce. If spouses do not communicate with each other, it is worth considering that the relationship has reached a dead end, the psychologist said. But the silence of one of the partners does not always mean an indifferent attitude to the situation: he may simply decide that it is time to file for divorce and is waiting for a decision from you.
In order not to completely destroy the family, Alexander Shakhov advises not to remain silent even during quarrels. It doesn't matter what emotions you feel at this moment. Scream, break dishes, apologize, but talk. If you are able to talk to each other, this means that the feelings are still there and can be saved. If you are completely unwilling to start a conversation, it is better to end the relationship than to drag on a sinking ship.
Relationships don't live up to your expectations
We all expect something from our partner when we enter into a serious relationship, but sometimes it doesn't live up to expectations. It often happens that a man or woman is not satisfied with their life together. In this case, it is worth determining for yourself what you basically wanted to get from a relationship with this person. And did you receive it?
To clearly understand whether the relationship meets your expectations, take a piece of paper and write down your personal criteria on it: love, material wealth, a sense of security, care, and so on. This step will allow you to dot all the i's and understand whether it is worth continuing to live with the person. If not a single item on your list justifies itself, there is no point in delaying the marriage. Expectations are unlikely to come true, and the time spent on a person will not be returned.
You don't understand each other's psychology
As you know, the psychology of a man and a woman is radically different, but for some reason 90% of people forget about this when they enter into a relationship. Everyone has different motives and goals, different views on life and ideas about the world. It is precisely because of the omission of this important factor that big problems arise in the family, says the psychologist. When you at least remotely study the psychology of the opposite sex and understand which levers you shouldn’t pull and which ones you need to grab, your problems will become much smaller. If you are blindly convinced of the opposite and refuse to understand the inner world of your spouse, this means that it is best to separate.
You transfer grievances from the past onto your partner
There is one way to save a failing marriage - check your emotions. It is best to do this with a professional psychologist, advises Alexander Shakhov. What does this point mean? Many people retain grievances from the past and accompany them throughout their lives. Women most often carry grievances against their father from childhood into adulthood, and the inner world of men is burdened by grievances against their mothers. Psychologists call this transference.
Often children’s grievances against their father are transferred to their husband, and troubles with their mother are transferred to their wife. This is the wrong tactic and needs to be eradicated, because your spouse is a separate person who is not to blame for your past. He wants to be a partner, and not get blows for your parents' mistakes. In this case, it is extremely important to contact a specialist and give him the opportunity to look at you from the outside. Only he will be able to determine whether the conflicts in your family are grievances from the past.
Previously, 5-tv.ru told how to understand that you are attracted to your partner.
What to do if family life is heading towards divorce?
I firmly believe that if family life is heading towards divorce, then the spouses need to rethink their relationship and try to save the marriage. I know that many will not agree with me. This is just my belief. I believe that any relationship transforms over time. It's unavoidable. And just when the old model of relationships has outlived itself and ended, and the new one has not yet been developed, what is called a crisis occurs. During such a crisis, spouses may not find a common language, not conduct a constructive dialogue, and may not develop a new model of relationship. And then conflicts occur, loss of love, respect and affection and divorce. Conflicts begin when one of the spouses (and more often than not both) does not receive what they expected - love, support, approval, acceptance, forgiveness, etc. He gets offended and responds in kind. And then mutual grievances grow like a snowball. If spouses have a desire to save the family and do something about it, then in my opinion, in most cases the family can be saved. If there is no such desire, but there is only a desire to pretend to be a victim and indiscriminately blame the other half for everything, then it is difficult to do something. In my opinion, divorce is possible and necessary only in two cases - when the spouse is prone to violence and raises his hand (although I know a couple who have lived happily for many years - both are choleric, and periodically fight, and then also violently reconcile, and everyone is happy with everything) and when one of the spouses is addicted to alcohol, gambling, drugs and does not want to be treated, does not intend to and does not give the family a normal life, terrorizing them and taking away all their finances. The third case is when the spouses are so conquered that they see the meaning of life in how to annoy and hurt the other half, and they themselves hate each other fiercely. Here, too, the point of no return has most likely been passed. But you can try. No one has canceled forgiveness and acceptance. In other cases, there is always something you can do. If the spouses have a desire.
If you lack your understanding and knowledge because your emotions are overwhelming, you can read books on the topic, watch video trainings or listen to meditations, or turn to another person for an impartial look at the situation. Only to a truly wise person, or to an outsider, otherwise friends and relatives, drawn into complaints and emotions, will “advise” anything. Father can help believers. No one has canceled a competent psychologist or psychotherapist either.
It's heading towards divorce, what should I do?
Hello Daria. What should I do? First of all, rest, calm down as much as possible. Then figure out what can be changed and only then decide to file for divorce or not. The help of a family psychologist would be very useful for both of you. But we will proceed from what we have - you asked for help, and we’ll start with you 
Still, think about how to organize your rest and care for your one-year-old child. Now it is more important to recover so as not to aggravate your condition and relationships. Then, having started a dialogue with your husband in a balanced manner, he will not be able to blame you for being tired or something else preventing you from talking calmly about the current situation.
Quite often it is forgotten that family and WELL-BEING in it no longer comes down to external factors: stereotypical behavior (a husband should.. a wife should..), appearance, an established life, income, etc., but TO INTERNAL factors: understanding what tied you together and desire this means maintaining (but not demanding), love, respect, trust, open communication, support, helping each other, etc. Of course, anything can happen in life, and crises are inevitable.. And it will be easier to cope with all this if both constantly DEVELOP their ability to maintain close relationships with each other. If you don't do this, in marriage with another person, you will come to the same result. Therefore, do not rush into divorce.
So, when you feel a little rested, try to “rewind” your life together and notice when your emotional connection with your husband broke off. Try to see yourself “through your husband’s eyes.” What has changed in you, in your attitude towards him? What was the “transition” from a good relationship to what it is now? Don’t be afraid to return to a difficult moment, discuss it as close people.. Maybe it’s worth apologizing or thanking for something or asking directly.. Remember that the union of two different people lasts as long as the needs of both are met. So what was missing? How could each one bring value back into your relationship? How to help and support each other? Only you and your husband will find the answers. Assure your husband that he and your family are dear to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't try to improve the situation. Tell him what you are ready to do on your part. Ask him how he sees reaching a new level in communicating with you and with children. Agree to support each other. Be clear about what exactly will feel like support for everyone. In this way, you will be able to get away from stereotypical behavior in marriage, which leads to what it is - cooling of feelings and distance. Remember your common interests and each other’s strengths. What was nice about the relationship? Just tell each other about it. It is so important to know that a loved one notices and appreciates. Agree that everyone has difficult situations... But you, as adults, can decide together: to save them or resolve them.
Daria, strength to you and happiness in your family!
If you have any questions or want to work in more detail, write to:
Sincerely, Natalia Grishugina
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What to do if your wife won’t give you a divorce and you have a child?
Of course, before resorting to more radical methods, you should once again calmly talk with your wife about divorce and children. It is quite possible that the reason for her categorical refusal to divorce can be resolved amicably. For example, if the divorce procedure frightens her about the need to divide property or upcoming disputes about children, you can offer her an option to solve these difficulties by drawing up an agreement on the division of property or about children.
If attempts to reach an agreement have not led to the desired result and the wife still does not grant a divorce, the only possible way out is to file a claim for divorce in court. Here it’s worth making a reservation right away, since a man has several restrictions when divorcing his wife (Article 17 of the RF IC). Thus, he does not have the right to divorce without the consent of his wife if:
- She's pregnant.
- The common or adopted child is less than one year old.
- The baby died during childbirth or before the age of one year.
In the latter case, the man will not be able to file for divorce. until a year has passed since the birth of the child.
Documents required for divorce
If the wife refuses to divorce, the documents are submitted to the district court, as in the case of property disputes or disagreements about children. But in some cases - if the wife is incompetent, missing, died or is serving a sentence of more than three years, a unilateral divorce is possible in the registry office (Article 19 of the Family Code).
The list of documents for divorce in each individual case will be different, but the following are required:
In addition to this required minimum, additional documents may be required. If there are minor children in the family, their birth certificates will be needed. If the marriage involved a prenuptial agreement, this will also need to be provided. In case of property disputes, the court may request a certificate of income, an inventory of property and extracts from the house books of the spouses.
If a man intends to fight for children, he will need to competently draw up a statement of claim, which will need to include convincing justification that they will be better off with him. You may need the help of a lawyer to draw it up, since judicial statistics are not favorable to single fathers - they leave the child with the father in the event of a divorce only in 6% of cases. A lawyer will help you correctly and convincingly draw up a statement of claim for divorce, and will also tell you what additional documents it will need to be supported.
Nuances you should know during divorce
For a man who intends to divorce his wife and have children together, it is important to be prepared to continue to support the children, regardless of whether they remain with him or with their mother. You need to think in advance about a suitable place to live, your job and who to leave your children with during working hours if you are appointed guardian of minors.
If the family has a disabled child of the first group, then funds for his maintenance and the maintenance of his ex-wife will need to be paid until the child reaches adulthood.
At the same time, if the children remain with their mother, the man will be obliged to pay monthly alimony for each child (Article 80 of the Family Code).
One more point - if the common child is not yet three years old, then after the divorce the husband will have to pay not only alimony for him, but also funds for the maintenance of his ex-wife until the child reaches the age of three, or until the wife officially finds a job.
Divorce procedure
After filing a claim for divorce and the necessary documents, the spouses will be invited to a court hearing. This happens 1-2 months after submitting the documents. If the spouse does not intend to appear in court after receiving the summons, then the divorce will be granted without her presence, although this aspect will delay the process for 1-3 months.
If the spouse appears in the courtroom, then the process proceeds as usual: the positions and arguments of the parties, the testimony of witnesses are heard, all the facts are considered and a decision is made, which is subject to appeal within a month. If an appeal is not filed, then the court decision comes into force and the former spouses can obtain a divorce certificate from the registry office.
The duration of the divorce process in the case where the wife does not give a divorce varies and depends on many factors, but, as a rule, does not exceed 6 months from the date of filing the application for divorce.
In any case, it is important for a spouse who firmly intends to divorce, but has not received his wife’s consent, to be patient and consistently resolve every issue that arises during the divorce process.
