Are children a blessing? then why is it so...pa????
I really really wanted a child. I was treated for a long time, about 7 years. We tried our best and we have twins! Girls! And it began...
The children are sick, one has terrible colic, she cries and I am with her, then hip dysplasia - and spacers for a month, I’m generally in a coma, I’m constantly crying, I have an umbilical hernia, at the same time my mother-in-law is blowing my mind (unfortunately we live together), right up until to the point that “why do you wash the children so often, and why did you dress like that, and not like that, and why do they cry so much, my son didn’t cry that much!” why don’t you introduce complementary foods to them, at that time I was feeding my son borscht!”, the husband is always tired, his words “a woman should nurse the children, let me work and teach me how to feed my breasts, let your mother come and help.” , by the way, the last words were not without the help of my mother-in-law, she set him up this way, because... she thinks that she helps me a lot, but my mother doesn’t help me at all, well, we live with my mother-in-law, so she gets the most of it...
Since birth, I have not been able to leave home, I am constantly with the children, I breastfed for up to a year and 2 months, I could not leave them with anyone, because... and who will cope with them? and I need to feed, even just running to the nearest store for bread was happiness for me! Yes, in general it’s still like that. We don’t go visiting with the children, there are two of them, I’ll borrow one, but who will take care of the other? husband? God forbid! He immediately rejects all invitations, what guests! small children! I envy mothers who can leave their children with their grandmothers and go on a visit or to the shopping center, just to somehow get distracted. I don’t have that, I’m always with my children around the clock! Once I gave up and went overnight to another city to visit a friend for 2 days; the children were already 1.5. Of course, my husband didn’t create a scandal, but he behaved as if these were not his children, and he did me a great favor by sitting with them, by the way, my mother helped him “sit with them” and his))) My mother helped me then she said that it was I who spoiled my husband, because... Without me, he washed them, fed them, and even treated them!
I bathe the children, I wash them, I also feed them, I cook for them, I do the laundry, I look on the Internet for what to buy for them and then my husband goes and buys, and not only for the children, I am also looking for what to buy for the house, everything I choose equipment when I was pregnant, again I sat on the Internet and chose beds, mattresses, strollers, etc., in response to all the requests, maybe you (husband) can help me? What is your opinion about this stroller or that one? He answered me, well, you decide for yourself, you know better.
In general, they drove me crazy and I had a very strong fight with my mother-in-law, refused her help completely, and now, when I lash out at the children, my husband says gloatingly, “So? Can’t cope?” I only refused the help of his mother, but not his help, and he apparently thinks that all his duties should be performed by his grandmothers...
Coming home from work (late) he has dinner, the children should not be around, he is annoyed that they get into his plate, at this time I prepare them for bed, wash or bathe them, feed them, change them, and put them to bed. On weekends it’s still the same, I take him out for a walk almost with a scandal, he prefers to go with the children to the shopping center, the second time to go for a walk is nooo! he won't go or with a scandal! he needs to rest! It's the weekend, he has to go to work soon!
No, he loves his children very much, he is ready to buy them everything in the world, but that’s all, the rest is all me. I apologize, I expressed myself incorrectly, he is not greedy, he is very generous and, if possible, would buy up all the children's stores. Often brings this and that for the children. But we are an ordinary family, of which there are a million, we live on our salaries.
Tell me girls, what are your husbands doing? Is it possible that everyone has a butt like mine and maybe this is normal? After all, children are joy! Then why am I always on edge, drinking sedatives for several months, yelling at the children. With the advent of children, we all quarreled in the family! I’m with my mother-in-law and my mother, my husband is with my mother, what is this!
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Girls! Thank you for your support and brainstorming, I didn’t expect so many people to respond. I kiss you, peace and health to your families!
By making a child happy now, we deprive him of happiness in the future.
Happiness is the fulfillment of desires.
It’s hard to disagree with this statement, and we see how parents immediately strive to fulfill the wishes of their children: “I want to eat!” - “Let’s have a snack now,” “Drink!” - “Here is a drink machine!”, “I’m bored!” - “Take your tablet!”, “I want a game” - “We’ll order it now!” Meanwhile, the ability to wait, be patient, and postpone the satisfaction of one’s desires for a while is one of the key points of future success: by making children happy at the moment, we make them unhappy in the future. Our children are gradually getting used to the fact that all problems should be solved instantly, often without their participation and effort, and even a slight delay causes irritation in them. Over time, even minor stressful situations become an obstacle to success in life.
Entertainment.
Since childhood, we have been trying to create a world for the child in which there is no boredom, and day after day we think: “how can I entertain the baby today, how can I please him? He no longer plays busy board, he’s tired of the talking pencil, and coloring books have not been interesting for a long time. Maybe he’ll be interested in Cuisinaire’s sticks?” And in the first years of a child’s life, we live in different worlds: he is in the world of joy, fun and entertainment, and we are in the world of routine and work. We attract him into our world only occasionally: if he has time, he will work more.
Meanwhile, such simple monotonous work as putting away toys, putting shoes in their places, sweeping the kitchen or wiping off dust strengthens the child to perform the boring duties that are required during training. And when they come to school, where they have to write, draw or count, our schoolchildren say: “I can’t, it’s too difficult. And very boring." Efficiency and diligence are not trained by endless entertainment.
Momentary joys.
Parents love to pamper and delight their children, but daughters and sons are sometimes happy from very harmful moments - from watching TV around the clock, from being free from homework, from Coca-Cola for breakfast. And parents, seeing the happy faces of their children, increasingly “give way.”
How do we raise children if we give not what is good and useful for them, but what they like? Then it gets worse: they learn that they can only do what they want. The word “should” is not in their vocabulary. It is difficult for them to do what they need to achieve their life goals, and sometimes it becomes impossible, which ultimately leads to disappointment and depression.
It is very important to realize: momentary joys threaten problems in the future. Fortunately, children copy their parents' behavior, so you can change their desires through your own behavior.
New technologies.
Devices and gadgets have become free nannies for our children - let them have fun, now the whole world is connected to computers and the Internet! Our children pay for this with nervous breakdowns, distracted attention and a reluctance to live in the real world - everyday life is too boring compared to the virtual world.
Parents' emotional availability is the main fuel for children's brains. Unfortunately, we are gradually depriving children of this.
Most often, in situations where a parent intensively lays straws for a child in childhood, he tries to make himself happy - it’s easier for him to answer questions, dress the child, choose company for him, do his homework and not worry about broken knees - he always wears knee pads . The child does not become happier from such an attitude, but gradually loses his natural desire for independence, and in adulthood no longer knows how to show it. A child needs experience, even if it’s negative: everyone remembers the saying “you learn from mistakes”?
Anna Safina
Photo from yandex.ua
Is happiness in children?
According to a study by the R&B company, 49% of Ukrainians believe that having children and grandchildren is the key to happiness (read more here)
Pavel Movchan, head of the All-Ukrainian Society “Prosvita”:
Everything is changeable, just like the formula of happiness itself. Of course, one of the components is children. Everyone thinks about procreation. But not everyone who has children is happy. After all, there are so many problems with them: finding a kindergarten, getting a job, clothing, feeding... There are many cases where people begged for children, but bitterly repented because they could not bring them to their senses. You can be happy when you are in harmony with people and the world.
Antonina Yurchenko, director of Confetti:
I am a mother of two sons! And it’s great that there is someone to give love, warmth, care and in return receive a sea of love and happy moments. My boys are a source of inexhaustible curiosity and eternal youth for me. All parents get a unique chance to relive their childhood once again: to finish playing games, watch cartoons, feel the magic of the New Year holidays and the carefree nature of school holidays. I don’t remember what it’s like to live without children, but with them it’s cool!
Konstantin Miroshnichenko, program director of Retro FM:
Everyone chooses their own way to be happy: social fulfillment, career, family. While you are young, the first two are a priority. With age, you begin to understand that children, and therefore grandchildren, are perhaps the most important thing that a person can boast of in the end. And although five children and dozens of grandchildren are not always a guarantee that you will not be lonely in adulthood, material wealth and life’s achievements still lose color, and happiness cannot be complete without a warm family circle.
Elena Voznesenskaya, candidate of psychological sciences:
Having children and grandchildren is not the only condition for happiness, and certainly cannot be a “guarantee”. Family is that sphere of a person, without fulfillment in which he cannot be completely happy, although he can compensate for his lack of fulfillment in other areas - work, creativity. And family is one of the most important values for Ukrainians. It is necessary for happiness and self-realization - this is inherent in the unconscious of a person.
Irina Gutsal, director of the Ukrainian Charity Exchange:
Each of us has our own idea of what happiness is. For some reason, it seems to me that everything depends on a person’s internal state, satisfaction, meaningfulness of life, and the like. If you are not in harmony with yourself and the world around you, then the absence or presence of children no longer plays such a fundamental role. After all, a person’s happiness depends only on himself.
Pavel Klimets, honorary president of the group:
I belong to that half of Ukrainians who consider children and grandchildren the key to happiness. Denying this is like arguing with the sunrise or the growth of grass. After all, the continuation of all living things is the basis of the harmony of the world. And it doesn’t matter whether you made one child happy or a hundred children, the most important thing is to take care of them and maintain their trust in adults.
We are interested to know your opinion. Leave your comment below.
“Happiness” of motherhood Is it so easy and pleasant to be a mother?
Lada Lapina
columnist
Personally, I think this is a worldwide conspiracy. Judge for yourself: if every woman who dreams of a child is given a colorful picture of her future life if her wish comes true, demography will have nothing to study. People will find something simpler than raising children by the sweat of their brow, and then releasing them on all four sides, naturally risking receiving a bunch of unfulfilled expectations in return for the titanic efforts invested.
But seriously, two points are important here.
The first is that all sorts of “wrong” thoughts and feelings are often successfully repressed as inappropriate to the letter of motherhood.
In order not to give themselves away, women will embellish their life with a child.
Second, annoying experiences are significantly compensated by love.
If it weren't for the power of love that a parent feels despite everything, enduring the hardships of life with children would be a difficult task. However, warm feelings are not always able to overshadow worries; there may be too many of them.
Look here. The ideal cloudless picture of “me and my child,” written in rainbow colors, begins to shrink from the very beginning. Then the baby does not sleep, when and how much is expected of him. Then, on the contrary, he sleeps so much that you want to check whether he is breathing at all. Either he becomes covered in a rash and suffers from colic, or he develops a dislike for everything called “vegetables.” It grows at a wild speed that gives the pediatrician hiccups, then it stops growing, and the pediatrician is somehow not happy again. And this is just the start of a long distance.
Then the children take a long time to adapt to kindergarten, bite other children there, constantly get sick, throw tantrums in public places and refuse to wear the shorts they so lovingly chose in the store. Then they lose a jacket a week at school, constantly quarrel loudly and painfully with their siblings, and show no enthusiasm when faced with homework. Then they lock themselves in their room and don’t answer phone calls.
The list can be continued endlessly, and it is not clear how to be happy in such an attraction of increased harmfulness.
Elena, who was in shock from the moment of giving birth, which took a day and ended with a caesarean section, had high hopes for her daughter in terms of changing her attitude. Needless to say, the hopes were justified. The girl was distinguished by her enviable tenacity in the practical development of the expanded register of childhood diseases and did not correspond to any idyllic pictures. Elena carried out a thousand and one manipulations to improve the child’s health, but he was true to himself. The mother could not come to terms with the state of affairs and is still making attempts to increase her daughter’s immunity. However, her attitude changed for the better only when Lena enthusiastically went to work, which she had not previously appreciated.
Many mothers hope that their efforts and perseverance will be rewarded by the behavior of their children. That if they try very hard, everything will work out and happy motherhood will be very close. This is a common misconception that does not take into account the powerful energy of the young body, which resists the idea of socialization and education. One can only envy the strength of desires and perseverance in their implementation. And these desires go categorically against the expectations of the parents.
Julia gave birth to her second child when the first was two years old. She adored her eldest son and thought that the younger one would be his reliable comrade and friend. But the older brother didn’t think so at all. He was very indignant that now they were paying less attention to him, and tried in every possible way to correct the situation. He threw open the bedroom door with a bang when the newborn was just beginning to doze off, and demanded the mother’s urgent participation in assembling the mosaic. At night, both children competed to see who would be the first to snatch maternal tenderness, and woke up in turns. Julia tried to share the love equally and brought in helpers, but the eldest son creatively ran away from them and banged his whole body against the door of the room in which the exhausted mother tried to calm the younger one.
Children also love to disrupt their parents’ plans...
Natasha
I bought tickets to the circus in advance. She enthusiastically told her son and daughter what artists work there, how animals are trained, and why clowns are needed. The family arrived early for the performance to walk around the foyer and feel the festive atmosphere. However, as soon as the lights were turned off, the eldest child got ready to go home, and the youngest suddenly suffered from a digestive system disorder due to environmental pollution. Other children who were completely unprepared were left to watch the show.
The happiness of motherhood is also sadly affected by the fact that the needs of adults and their offspring constantly and in the most tragic way do not coincide.
For example, most parents firmly believe that children need cleanliness, order and systematic organization. And they cannot understand why their children live calmly in a room in which excavations can be carried out, and also do not run to wash the dishes at the first call. They don’t care at all how their shoes stand in the hallway and that a torn bag with a sports uniform has been lying there alone for the second week. They absolutely do not care that dirty socks are adjacent to textbooks and that mothers, prone to controlled entropy, struggle with high blood pressure. Moreover, children born to the same parents can resemble each other, like Moscow and Komsomolsk-on-Amur. And what is good for one person is disgusting for another, and atopic dermatitis for another. Try feeding these Komsomol members...
But the ultimate test of parents’ nerves is when everything comes together at one point.
Ira
gave birth to a third child, who turned out to be very restless. If she went out with her youngest son for a walk, she could place bets: no matter the weather, exactly 30 minutes later he would wake up, start crying, and calm down only upon returning. Trying to save some strength, one day Irina stayed at home, sending her older children on an independent walk. Both returned 10 minutes later in tears. One cried that we had not walked enough, the second - that we had walked a lot. Ira, with a screaming baby in her arms, somehow calmed everyone down and sent them off to dinner. In the kitchen, the children accidentally spilled a bottle of sunflower oil. Trying to eliminate the accident, they wiped the floor with a dry cloth and proudly walked in different directions. Instead of relaxing, the mother of many children’s day ended with a “meditation” on cleaning the apartment.
And such examples are the ocean. Being happy in motherhood is an extremely difficult task.
Difficult, despite the most true love, which does not require immediate retribution, gives meaning to daily hard work and supports you on a difficult path. The matter is complicated by those very pent-up “negative” experiences and high expectations that make it difficult for the circulation of warmth in the family.
If you accept that dreams are not destined to come true and that children are a separate and very different cosmos from their parents, it will be easier. If you don’t waste energy on suppressing “wrong” reactions and allow yourself to be a tired, twitchy, dissatisfied and irritated mother solving a task of increased complexity, it will be even easier. This does not mean that children will fly around the apartment on kick thrust. This means that you will be able to remember in time about your vacation and other desires. And it is much easier for a mother’s body to feel love when it is rested and nourished with strength.
