How to maintain harmony in the family
The passion trap is what Dean Delis, a practitioner and professor of psychiatry at the University of California, called this situation. Yes, you yourself know what an ambush this is: the man of your dreams is moving away, and the harder you try to win back his affection, the less desirable you feel. “What a torment!
If only I could not love, but be loved!” - this thought warms the soul. But later it may turn out that things are not easier on the other side of the barricades. At first, the partner’s reverent glances and burning jealousy are flattering, then they cause a feeling of guilt, irritate and finally drive them crazy. Many couples have gone through this circle of hell. The most desperate ones appeared in Dean Delis's office.
The psychotherapist followed professional tradition and tried to change the mood of the “strong” partner. After all, it was he who allegedly could not open his heart to feelings and fled from intimacy. But Delis soon realized: it’s not just about the “runner”, he is also a victim of the phenomenon. Both must work on the problem, and using different strategies.
Flirting
When was the last time you flirted with your loved one? I am sure that most of the readers have already forgotten what flirting is. But try to remember what emotions you felt at that moment in time. Flirting can be resumed at any stage of a relationship and can be a good way to improve relationships.
The human essence is highly susceptible to excitement, and thanks to flirting, you can maintain interest in a relationship, this is especially useful during moments of crisis. Start behaving as you did when you first met. Daring provocations, a miniskirt, show signs of attention more often and give gifts... The fact that you have been married for a long time does not oblige you to lead a boring and monotonous lifestyle and bring you to the brink of separation. You can always renew the passion in a relationship.
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Bring back tenderness and harmony to the family
If you have the courage to admit and talk to your partner that your sexual relationship has changed, the passion has subsided, and sometimes you no longer remember what it’s like... You can consider that you have overcome half the path to maintaining intimacy! There is a considerable amount left, but still the other half. You will need knowledge, determination and action. This article contains real-life situations and practical recommendations from a sexologist on how to get rid of a prolonged pause in bed.
Forgotten old motives
Ira, 34 years old: “We lived together for 5 years, we’re already tired of everything, we already know everything, how it will happen in what order, in what position... Sexual attraction has disappeared, almost mechanical sex... Marital duty is like a prison, and fulfilling it is serving a sentence ..."
LL.: Alas, it smells like mothballs in families where sexual desire has disappeared, but it must be supported! Do not hope that understanding each other should happen in some mystical way.
To be able to live in a marriage in such a way that sexual attraction is constantly present in both partners is the greatest illusion: someone gets sick, someone has a stressful work rhythm, someone is depressed about relationships with neighbors and other moments.
Improvise. Come up with new forms and types of sexual relationships. Create situations for spontaneous sex and don't avoid them. Organize and participate in erotic games. For example, give your loved one a surprise: buy a beautiful outfit that emphasizes sexuality, learn a striptease dance, or several new techniques for oral sex. Call him at work and mysteriously hint what awaits him in the evening... By maintaining an atmosphere of mystery or curiosity, you can play for many years, maintaining or modifying sexual attraction. And not everyone can do this. Who said marriage would be easy?
Postpartum apathy
Katerina, 41 years old: “I gave birth to two children, and my sexual desire has disappeared somewhere... I love my husband! He needs regular sex, but I don’t want it... For me, this is some kind of punishment... The traditional excuse that I have a headache no longer works, I come up with the idea that the child cannot sleep, that I need to feed him, and I myself I dream that my husband will fall asleep faster and not demand sex..."
LL.: Lack of sexual desire can be associated with fatigue, discrepancy in levels of sexual desire, depression, hormonal imbalance, etc. In addition, desire may disappear due to postpartum changes in the female genital organs, which sometimes leads to a lack of pleasant sensations in sex and lack of orgasm. Another reason may be giving too much importance to maternal feelings when children take up all the space.
You are recovering . First of all, it is necessary to recover after childbirth. Pay attention to the condition of the intimate muscles, because the man’s sensation and your sensitivity depend on them. Do “intimate fitness” with a simulator to develop intimate muscles. Within 2 weeks, you can regain your former vaginal volume, sensitivity and sexual desire.
Speak. Remember, the children will grow up, but your Husband will be with you forever! Don't leave him alone. Talk to him. Ask about his fantasies, tell us about yours. And feel free to implement them. Combine thoughts and efforts. Plan a vacation together. Dream about the future.
Work comes first
Angelina, 29 years old: “Lately my husband works a lot, arrives late, falls into bed and falls asleep, and in the morning goes back to work... He has lost sexual interest in me... I plucked up the courage and asked: “Have you found someone else?” He replies: “Don’t make things up, I love you, I’m just tired at work, I don’t want anything”...
LL.: Some people live by the principle “Work comes first!” Work captivates them so much that sex is out of the question. In such cases, there is a disturbance in the expression of sexual desire, which also affects potency.
Rest. It is necessary to eliminate the cause of the partner’s loss of sexual interest. Ideally, go on vacation. Otherwise, agree to set aside time for intimate relationships.
Create. Introduce sex into the rank of art through joint creativity, make it a holiday for two. For example, create a sexy atmosphere in the bedroom - candles, aromas of love - to increase a man's sexual desire, you can use ginger oil, 2 drops of it can be placed on the bed or in an aroma lamp. Learn new techniques for oral and manual caresses. Come up with a mini-scenario for your sex game. Give your loved one an erotic massage, use a variety of touches, with your hands, lips, tongue, your body, sex toys... Remember that a woman is a temptress. Seduce, intrigue, desire, use contrasts, experiment...
He cheated on me
Marina, 31 years old: “We lived together for 8 years, we have a daughter and he cheated on me... I can’t forgive him, but he doesn’t want to get a divorce, he says he loves me. I don’t know what to do, but sharing a bed with him is simply unbearable, especially since I have lost my sexual attraction to him...
LL.: The result of betrayal can be a decrease in sexual desire to the point of no return, to the complete rejection of a seemingly loved one. In this case, you need to ask yourself the question - do you want the old relationship to return?
Take a break. First of all, you need to stop and sort out your feelings, so to speak, “sort them out.” If there is love, then it is possible to return sexual attraction. Remember that in this situation, time is the best healer. Choose for a while other, more comfortable forms of communication for each other (family, friendly, based on mutual interests and views), without entering into intimacy. Rebuild trust and understanding. Remember more often about pleasant events and experiences you shared.
Let go of the grudge. And the most important thing is to get rid of resentment. So: take a blank sheet of paper (white, not lined or checkered, but simply white) and reproduce on paper the image of your offense (in words, pictures, etc.). Take a look at this work, if you want to correct or add something, do it. Then destroy the sheet in any way more suitable for you (tear it, burn it, etc.)
Without marriage and love
Evgenia, 34: “I don’t need a serious relationship to start a family. But they say that regular sex is necessary for women's health. Following this, sometimes I meet a guy, spend time with him, but after several meetings I lose sexual attraction to him...”
LL.: One of the reasons for the rapid decline or decrease in sexual desire between partners is the lack of Love between them. Exactly that feeling that includes various layers of relationships: friendly, platonic, romantic, erotic and sexual. It has already been scientifically proven that sex for love (with sexual attraction) is much more beneficial for health than ordinary sexual intercourse for the purpose of physiological satisfaction of instincts or banal masturbation.
Love. The presence of love in a couple allows you to live more harmoniously and more interestingly, even when passion begins to subside. And this inevitably happens. Therefore, there is only one piece of advice - look not only for physical satisfaction in a relationship. Try to find common interests, activities, something that can unite you other than bed. And there, you see, new facets of a person will open up, deserving of adoration, and new surges of sexual desire.
If you are loved more
First, let me sympathize with you. We know what it's like to suddenly find yourself much more attracted to a man than he is to you. This is unlikely to be a consolation, of course, but you are not alone. The Secrets sex education center found that 80% of girls are initially on the “receiving” side of love, but as soon as a man officially conquers them (for example, after marriage), everything gradually changes. Unfair? We agree.
And the first thing you can do is not hide your anger, it is completely justified. But don’t turn it on someone else, and certainly not on yourself, but on the situation as a whole. Don’t be shy to say (mentally or to your partner’s face): “Damn, I don’t want to beg for love! I deserve her. And this situation is our common problem.” Understand that you receive less attention not because you have become ugly/bored, but because of the centrifugal forces in which you both are involved.
After this, carefully observe your feelings and behavior. What do you do more often now? Calling a man at work? Do you agree with everything? Do you require assurances of love? Mentally ban these actions. They are a normal reaction to a partner’s distance, but in order to restore balance, they will have to be abandoned.
You won’t be nice by force - let this saying become the motto of your new behavior strategy. Dean Delis calls it a reasonable distance. The point is to redirect energy towards personal development and other social connections. Return to forgotten hobbies, meet friends more often, go on vacation alone.
At the same time, it is very important not to hide the motives of your behavior from your loved one and honestly explain what you are doing and why. Your goal is not to cause jealousy (this is funny and only swings the “pendulum”), but to take control of the situation. An active position makes you stronger in the eyes of your partner. Now it seems to you that you cannot live without this man. This is not true, we know for sure. Don’t dramatize, don’t hide your real self and think first of all about your own happiness in order to maintain harmony.
And again we want to sympathize. The fact that you found yourself “running away” is not your fault, or rather, not entirely yours. Anyone will feel stifled in a relationship where a previously exciting, amazing person abandons his rules, forgets the word “no” and makes sacrifices you never asked for. Stop self-criticism and under no circumstances diagnose yourself or your partner.
Past relationships, childhood traumas or tendencies don't matter all that much. The only thing that matters is how you interact now and with each other. In order not to feel trapped, remember: you fell in love with a strong person and need to communicate as equals. Think about which of your partner’s actions and emotional reactions are caused by the paradox of passion.
An objective assessment will allow you to be less angry and shift the focus of anger from the man to the situation as a whole: “I am infuriated by the crooked relationship model in which we find ourselves. It's time to take action!" And that's what you can do. First: become a little more vulnerable - this will make you weaker and bring you both closer to balance.
Text: Olya Sevastyanova
- Orlando Bloom admitted that before meeting Katy Perry he had not had sex for six months
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Why is this happening?
Every event has a reason. And, whatever one may say, the reasons for the deterioration of relations are similar. Let's not put on rose-colored glasses - we all behave similarly in relationships. And scientists called the most common causes of disharmony family crises. So what kinds of crises are there?
- Crisis of 3 years. The rose-colored glasses of love fall off, you begin to see only the shortcomings in your partner, and the advantages seem to be self-evident. The word “must” appears;
- Childbirth crisis. Fatigue, Groundhog Day, sleepless nights, lack of sex are fertile ground for this type of crisis;
- Crisis of 7 years. It seems to you that you can predict any reaction of your partner, you know him like the back of your hand, and in general the relationship seems bland. In a word - everyday life;
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- Crisis of 13 years. Children grow up, problems come, there is a mortgage, there is no passion - hello, crisis.
If, after reading these lines, you understand that this is not about you, I sincerely congratulate you, you have gone through and lived through family crises unnoticed. Your love boat hasn't rocked because of them, and that's wonderful. But since you are still here, it means you are far from ideal, so let’s continue.
If it's not a crisis, then perhaps the balance has gone out of your relationship. This happens when one of the partners seems to dissolve in the other. For example, a woman who “dedicates” herself to her family lives in the interests of her husband and children, and does not have a job or hobby. Most often, her husband is not happy with such excessive attention and “runs away” to go fishing, visit friends, or go to work. Frankly speaking, there is one more point - if in the family all conversations come down to children and the shopping list, the more socially active party (most likely a man) will quickly get tired of it. The answer lies in the same place as the problem - stop disappearing into your family and children. However, we’ll talk in more detail about ways to achieve harmony.
Changing habits
If the relationship turns into a swamp, which every day drags you deeper into its quagmire, it is necessary to change the course of daily actions. If you regularly visit the park, visit the museum, attractions, concert. If you always eat at home or in a cafe, buy shawarma or kebab. Discover something new every day.
When a relationship begins to be boring and uninteresting, you need to return to the state of a child exploring the world around you. During this state, share pleasant and joyful experiences with your significant other, this will help you get closer to him. Relationships can be brightened up and bright colors added to them by living new moments in your life.
Openness
If any problems arise, do not suppress them in yourself and do not try to figure everything out on your own, share it with a loved one. Talk about everything, just don’t be dramatic in the conversation. Speak openly and honestly, do not make up or embellish the situation. If your partner turns to you for advice, listen carefully to him and sincerely try to help him (even if you heard some information that could be unpleasant for you, he still trusted you). Most problems in relationships can be resolved with reason and adequate conversation.
How to restore family relationships?
I really need help!!! I understand that I cannot cope on my own. I've been married for 15 years. As usual, everything was fine in the beginning. But my husband has behaved differently towards me over the past 5 years. If there were quarrels before, they didn’t last long, and then everything was fine. We have a son. He is 13 years old. My husband had an abdominal injury in his youth; the doctor told him that he would not have children. When I announced that I was pregnant, there was no particular joy. I gave birth, but the older my son got, the more he looked like me. Just the spitting image. In a drunken stupor, this began to pour out on me. I calmed down, this happened more than once. There was a divorce. DNA refuses to do so. And for me they are two of my favorite people. 5 years ago I started an affair at work. Eternal conversations on the phone. He has changed. From being open and kind he became closed. The phone was mine and I made a printout. It would be better not to do it. There was a conversation with her. She was the first to start talking. It turned out it was just friendship. After that, they decided to have a second child. I had problems with this. I was treated for a year, but to no avail. We checked my husband - everything is fine. But over the years we have become so close and family. And now again. More than six months ago I noticed changes in him. He became cold and started drinking a lot. I was almost never home. He ignored me in everything. I went on a business trip. I thought I would calm down, but no. I went to see him, so it was like we were on a honeymoon the same day. He said what he never said, that he realized that I was the best. In addition, during this period he very often said out loud, “Well, I only love you.” BUT it got even worse. I slept, ate, drank, and walked with my phone. At the same time, he said that he had found someone else, that he would leave, that they had nowhere to live, even that she was married. This is all while drunk. And sober, I was kidding. I couldn’t stand it, I went into my phone again. This secret relationship has been going on since the summer. I didn't keep an eye on him. Presented with a fact. And it began: it turns out that everything is my fault, he never loved me, he just got married so as not to drink himself to death, and I tied him to someone else’s child, nothing suits him about me. I am attractive in appearance, many people like me. He periodically accused me of infidelity, which never happened. Many hours of accusations against me, my misunderstanding. He leaves, he comes. While I'm not at home, it's on the phone. As I understood it, the phone simply charged every evening. Two months of horror. He doesn't explain anything. I understand that I need to save my family, but I just feel bad without him. Before the New Year there is a truce. We celebrated the holidays together. She started talking to him calmly, without insults. But I heard that the way I met with her will be the same. And you can live with me as you wish. I don’t want to file for divorce, I hope so. He demands that I serve. Constantly keeps pushing me to go for a walk, but I don’t want to. At some moments I understand that we feel good together: we watch TV together, we even cook together, we remember our past with our son. And it was interesting for us. I don't know who this woman is. But on the phone, she insulted me as best she could. He doesn't help us with money. Gets enough. BUT... now I feed him, he says that he has no money. Nobody can influence him. I see it. Friends are trying to get us out somewhere. He refuses. We have a lot of friends. But now I’m the only one who communicates with them. He now has one or two friends. I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t want to live like this either. My son, seeing our relationship, constantly sits in his room. Sometimes it gets so bad that you don’t want to live. I understand that I need him very much, that I love him, but I can’t live like this anymore...
How to restore family relationships?
